Chapter XLI: Act IV: Scene I.1274

[_Enter_] DOWNRIGHT _and_ DAME KITELY.

_Dow._ Well, sister, I tell you true; and you’ll find it so in the
end.

_Dame K._ Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot help
it; you see my brother brings ’em in here; they are his friends. 5

_Dow._ His friends! his fiends! ’Slud! they do nothing but haunt him
up and down like a sort of unlucky spirits, and tempt him to all
manner of villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a
little thing would make me play (10) the devil with some of ’em: an
’twere not more for your husband’s sake than anything else, I’d make
the house too hot for the best on ’em; they should say, and swear,
hell were broken loose, ere they went hence. But, by God’s will, ’tis
nobody’s fault but yours; for an you had (16) done as you might have
done, they should have been parboil’d, and bak’d too, every mother’s
son, ere they should ha’ come in, e’er a one of ’em. 20

_Dame K._ God’s my life! did you ever hear the like? What a strange
man is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should put
myself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you’d mad the
patient’st body in the (25) world, to hear you talk so, without any
sense or reason.

SCENE II.[1275]

DOWNRIGHT, DAME KITELY. [_Enter_] MISTRESS BRIDGET, MASTER MATHEW, _and_ BOBADILL; [_followed, at a distance, by_] WELLBRED, E. KNOWELL, STEPHEN, _and_ BRAINWORM.

_Brid._ Servant,[1276] in troth you are too prodigal
Of your wit’s treasure, thus to pour it forth
Upon so mean a subject as my worth.

_Mat._ You say well, mistress, and I mean as well.

_Dow._ Hoy-day, here is stuff! 5

_Wel._ O, now stand close;[1277] pray Heaven, she can get him to
read! He should do it of his own natural impudency.

_Brid._ Servant, what is this same, I pray you?

_Mat._ Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy——

_Dow._ To mock an ape withal![1278] O, I could (11) sew up his mouth,
now.

_Dame K._ Sister, I pray you let’s hear it.

_Dow._ Are you rhyme-given too?

_Mat._ Mistress, I’ll read it, if you please. 15

_Brid._ Pray you do, servant.

_Dow._ O, here’s no foppery! Death! I can endure the stocks better.
[_Exit._]

_E. Know._ What ails thy brother? Can he not hold his water at
reading of a ballad? 20

_Wel._ O, no; a rhyme to him is worse than cheese, or a bag-pipe; but
mark; you lose the protestation.

_Mat._ Faith, I did it in a humour; I know not how it is; but please
you come near, sir. This (25) gentleman has judgment, he knows how to
censure of a——pray you, sir, you can judge?

_Step._ Not I, sir; upon my reputation, and by the foot of Pharaoh!

_Wel._ O, chide your cousin for swearing. 30

_E. Know._ Not I, so long as he does not forswear
himself.

_Bob._ Master Mathew, you abuse the expectation of your dear
mistress, and her fair sister. Fie! while you live, avoid this
prolixity. 35

_Mat._ I shall, sir, well; _incipere dulce_.[1279]

_E. Know._ How, _insipere dulce_! “a sweet thing to be a fool,”
indeed!

_Wel._ What, do you take _incipere_ in that sense? 40

_E. Know._ You do not, you! This was your villainy, to gull him with
a mot.

_Wel._ O, the benchers’[1280] phrase: _pauca verba, pauca verba_!

Mat. [_Reads._] _Rare creature, let me speak without offence, 45
Would God my rude words had the influence
To rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine,
Then shouldst thou be his prisoner, who is thine._

_E. Know._ This is “Hero and Leander.” 49

_Wel._ O, ay: peace, we shall have more of this.

Mat. _Be not unkind and fair: misshapen stuff
Is of behaviour boisterous and rough._

_Wel._ How like you that, sir?
MASTER STEPHEN _answers with shaking his head_.

_E. Know._ ’Slight, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel an
there be any brain in it. 55

_Mat._ But observe the catastrophe, now:
_And I in duty will exceed all other,
As you in beauty do excel Love’s mother._

_E. Know._ Well, I’ll have him free of the wit-brokers, for he utters
nothing but stol’n remnants. 61

_Wel._ O, forgive it him.

_E. Know._ A filching[1281] rogue, hang him!—and from the dead! It’s
worse than sacrilege. 64
[WELLBRED, E. KNOWELL, _and_ MASTER STEPHEN _come forward_.]

_Wel._ Sister, what ha’ you here? Verses? Pray you, let’s see. Who
made these verses? They are excellent good.

_Mat._ O, Master Wellbred, ’tis your disposition to say so, sir. They
were good i’ the morning: I made them _ex tempore_ this morning.

_Wel._ How! _ex tempore?_ 71

_Mat._ Ay, would I might be hang’d else; ask Captain Bobadill; he saw
me write them, at the——pox on it!—the Star, yonder.

_Brai._ Can he find in his heart to curse the stars so? 76

_E. Know._ Faith, his are even with him; they ha’ curst him enough
already.

_Step._ Cousin, how do you like this gentleman’s verses? 80

_E. Know._ O, admirable! the best that ever I heard, coz.

_Step._ Body o’ Caesar, they are admirable! the best that I ever
heard, as I am a soldier! 84

[_Re-enter_ DOWNRIGHT.]

_Dow._ I am vext, I can hold ne’er a bone of me still. ’Heart, I
think they mean to build and breed here.

_Wel._ Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns your
beauty with such encomiums (89) and devices; you may see what it
is to be the mistress of a wit that can make your perfections so
transparent, that every blear eye may look through them, and see him
drown’d over head and ears in the deep well of desire. Sister Kitely,
I marvel you get you not a servant that can rhyme, and do tricks too.
96

_Dow._ O monster! impudence itself! tricks!

_Dame K._ Tricks, brother! what tricks?

_Brid._ Nay, speak, I pray you, what tricks?

_Dame K._ Ay, never spare any body here; (100) but say, what tricks?

_Brid._ Passion of my heart, do tricks!

_Wel._ ’Slight, here ’s a trick vied and revied![1282] Why, you
monkeys, you, what a cater-wauling do you keep! Has he not given you
rhymes and verses and tricks? 106

_Dow._ O, the fiend!

_Wel._ Nay, you lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff[1283] so,
come, and cherish this tame poetical fury in your servant; you’ll be
begg’d (110) else shortly for a concealment:[1284] go to, reward his
muse. You cannot give him less than a shilling in conscience, for
the book he had it out of cost him a teston[1285] at least. How now,
gallants! (114) Master Mathew! Captain! what, all sons of silence? No
spirit?

_Dow._ Come, you might practise your ruffian tricks somewhere else,
and not here, I wuss;[1286] this is no tavern nor drinking-school, to
vent your exploits in. 120

_Wel._ How now; whose cow has calv’d?

_Dow._ Marry, that has mine, sir. Nay, boy, never look askance at me
for the matter; I ’ll tell you of it, I, sir; you and your companions
mend yourselves when I ha’ done. 125

_Wel._ My companions!

_Dow._ Yes, sir, your companions, so I say; I am not afraid of you,
nor them neither; your hangbyes here. You must have your poets and
your potlings,[1287] your soldados and foolados to (130) follow
you up and down the city; and here they must come to domineer and
swagger.—Sirrah, you ballad-singer, and Slops[1288] your fellow
there, get you out, get you home; or by this steel, I ’ll cut off
your ears, and that presently. 135

_Wel._ ’Slight, stay, let ’s see what he dare do; cut off his ears!
cut a whetstone. You are an ass, do you see? Touch any man here, and
by this hand I ’ll run my rapier to the hilts in you. 140

_Dow._ Yea, that would I fain see, boy.
_They all draw, and they of the house make out to part them._

_Dame K._ O Jesu! murder! Thomas! Gasper!

_Brid._ Help, help! Thomas!

_E. Know._ Gentlemen, forbear, I pray you. 144

_Bob._ Well, sirrah, you Holofernes; by my hand, I will pink your
flesh full of holes with my rapier for this; I will, by this good
heaven! Nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen; by the body of
St. George, I ’ll not kill him.
_Offer to fight again, and are parted._

_Cash._ Hold, hold, good gentlemen. 150

_Dow._ You whoreson, bragging coystril![1289]

SCENE III.[1290]

_To them_ [_enter_] KITELY.

_Kit._ Why, how now! what’s the matter, what’s the stir here?
Whence springs the quarrel? Thomas! where is he?
Put up your weapons, and put off this rage.
My wife and sister, they are the cause of this.
What, Thomas! where is the knave? 5

_Cash._ Here, sir.

_Wel._ Come, let’s go; this is one of my brother’s ancient humours,
this.

_Step._ I am glad nobody was hurt by his ancient humour. 10
[_Exeunt_ WELLBRED, STEPHEN, E. KNOWELL, BOBADILL, _and_ BRAINWORM.]

_Kit._ Why, how now, brother, who enforc’d this brawl?

_Dow._ A sort[1291] of lewd rake-hells, that care neither for God
nor the devil. And they must come here to read ballads, and roguery,
and (15) trash! I ’ll mar the knot of ’em ere I sleep, perhaps;
especially Bob there, he that ’s all manner of shapes: and Songs and
Sonnets, his fellow.

_Brid._ Brother, indeed you are too violent,
Too sudden in your humour: and you know 20
My brother Wellbred’s temper will not bear
Any reproof, chiefly in such a presence,
Where every slight disgrace he should receive
Might wound him in opinion and respect. 24

_Dow._ Respect! what talk you of respect among such as ha’ nor spark
of manhood nor good manners? ’Sdeins, I am asham’d to hear you!
respect! [_Exit._]

_Brid._ Yes, there was one a civil gentleman,
And very worthily demean’d himself. 30

_Kit._ O, that was some love of yours, sister.

_Brid._ A love of mine! I would it were no worse, brother;
You ’d pay my portion sooner than you think for.

_Dame K._ Indeed he seem’d to be a gentleman (34) of a very exceeding
fair disposition, and of excellent good parts.
[_Exeunt_ DAME KITELY _and_ BRIDGET.]

_Kit._ Her love, by heaven! my wife’s minion.
_Fair disposition! excellent good parts!_
Death! these phrases are intolerable.
Good parts! how should she know his parts? 40
His parts! Well, well, well, well, well, well;
It is too plain, too clear: Thomas, come hither.
What, are they gone?

_Cash._ Ay, sir, they went in.
My mistress and your sister——

_Kit._ Are any of the gallants within? 45

_Cash._ No, sir, they are all gone.

_Kit._ Art thou sure of it?

_Cash._ I can assure you, sir.

_Kit._ What gentleman was that they prais’d so, Thomas?

_Cash._ One, they call him Master Knowell, (50) a handsome young
gentleman, sir.

_Kit._ Ay, I thought so; my mind gave me as much.
I’ll die, but they have hid him i’ the house
Somewhere; I’ll go and search; go with me, Thomas: 54
Be true to me, and thou shalt find me a master. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE IV.[1292]

[_Enter_] COB.

_Cob._ [_knocks at the door._] What, Tib! Tib, I say!

_Tib._ [_within._] How now, what cuckold is that knocks so hard?
_Enter_ TIB.
O, husband! is it you? What’s the news? 5

_Cob._ Nay, you have stunn’d me, i’ faith; you ha’ giv’n me a knock
o’ the forehead will stick by me. Cuckold! ’Slid, cuckold!

_Tib._ Away, you fool! did I know it was you that knockt? Come, come,
you may call me as bad when you list. 11

_Cob._ May I? Tib, you are a whore.

_Tib._ You lie in your throat, husband.

_Cob._ How, the lie! and in my throat too! do you long to be stabb’d,
ha? 15

_Tib._ Why, you are no soldier, I hope.

_Cob._ O, must you be stabb’d by a soldier? Mass, that’s true! When
was Bobadill here, your captain? that rogue, that foist,[1293] that
fencing Burgullion?[1294] I’ll tickle him, i’ faith.

_Tib._ Why, what’s the matter, trow? 21

_Cob._ O, he has basted me rarely, sumptuously! but I have it here
in black and white [_Pulls out the warrant_], for his black and blue
shall pay him. O, the justice, the honestest old brave (25) Trojan
in London; I do honour the very flea of his dog. A plague on him,
though, he put me once in a villanous filthy fear; marry, it vanished
away like the smoke of tobacco; but I was smokt[1295] soundly first.
I thank the devil, (30) and his good angel, my guest. Well, wife,
or Tib, which you will, get you in, and lock the door; I charge you
let nobody in to you, wife; nobody in to you; those are my words:
not Captain Bob himself, nor the fiend in his (35) likeness. You
are a woman, you have flesh and blood enough in you to be tempted;
therefore keep the door shut upon all comers.

_Tib._ I warrant you, there shall nobody enter here without my
consent. 40

_Cob._ Nor with your consent, sweet Tib; and so I leave you.

_Tib._ It’s more than you know, whether you leave me so.

_Cob._ How? 45

_Tib._ Why, _sweet_.

_Cob._ Tut, sweet or sour, thou art a flower. Keep close thy door, I
ask no more. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE V.[1296]

[_Enter_] E. KNOWELL, WELLBRED, STEPHEN, _and_ BRAINWORM, [_disguised as before_.]

_E. Know._ Well, Brainworm, perform this business happily, and thou
makest a purchase of my love for ever.

_Wel._ I’ faith, now let thy spirits use their best faculties: but,
at any hand, remember (5) the message to my brother; for there’s no
other means to start him.

_Brai._ I warrant you, sir; fear nothing; I have a nimble soul has
wakt all forces of my phant’sie by this time, and put ’em in true
(10) motion. What you have possest[1297] me withal, I’ll discharge it
amply, sir; make it no question. [_Exit._]

_Wel._ Forth, and prosper, Brainworm. Faith, Ned, how dost thou
approve of my abilities in this device? 16

_E. Know._ Troth, well, howsoever; but it will come excellent if it
take.

_Wel._ Take, man! why it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances
miscarry not: (20) but, tell me ingenuously, dost thou affect my
sister Bridget as thou pretend’st?

_E. Know._ Friend, am I worth belief?

_Wel._ Come, do not protest. In faith, she is a maid of good
ornament, and much modesty; (25) and, except I conceiv’d very
worthily of her, thou should’st not have her.

_E. Know._ Nay, that, I am afraid, will be a question yet, whether I
shall have her, or no.

_Wel._ ’Slid, thou shalt have her; by this light thou shalt. 31

_E. Know._ Nay, do not swear.

_Wel._ By this hand thou shalt have her; I’ll go fetch her presently.
’Point but where to meet, and as I am an honest man I’ll bring her.

_E. Know._ Hold, hold, be temperate. 36

_Wel._ Why, by——what shall I swear by? Thou shalt have her, as I
am——

_E. Know._ Pray thee, be at peace, I am satisfied; and do believe
thou wilt omit no (40) offered occasion to make my desires complete.

_Well._ Thou shalt see, and know, I will not. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE VI.[1298]

[_Enter_] FORMAL _and_ KNOWELL.

_Form._ Was your man a soldier, sir?

_Know._ Ay, a knave;
I took him begging o’ the way, this morning,
As I came over Moorfields.
[_Enter_ BRAINWORM, _disguised as before_.]
O, here he is!—you’ve made fair speed, believe me,
Where, i’ the name of sloth, could you be thus? 5

_Brai._ Marry, peace be my comfort, where I thought I should have had
little comfort of your worship’s service.

_Know._ How so? 9

_Brai._ O, sir, your coming to the city, your entertainment of me,
and your sending me to watch——indeed all the circumstances either
of your charge, or my employment, are as open to your son, as to
yourself.

_Know._ How should that be, unless that villain, Brainworm, 15
Have told him of the letter, and discovered
All that I strictly charg’d him to conceal?
’Tis so.

_Brai._ I am partly o’ the faith, ’tis so, indeed.

_Know._ But, how should he know thee to be my man? 20

_Brai._ Nay, sir, I cannot tell; unless it be by the black art. Is
not your son a scholar, sir?

_Know._ Yes, but I hope his soul is not allied
Unto such hellish practice: if it were,
I had just cause to weep my part in him, 25
And curse the time of his creation.
But, where didst thou find them, Fitz-Sword?

_Brai._ You should rather ask where they found me, sir; for I’ll
be sworn, I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when,
(30) of a sudden, a voice calls, “Mr. Knowell’s man!” another cries,
“Soldier!” and thus half a dozen of ’em, till they had call’d me
within a house, where I no sooner came, but they seem’d men, and out
flew all their (35) rapiers at my bosom, with some three or four
score oaths to accompany them; and all to tell me, I was but a dead
man, if I did not confess where you were, and how I was employed,
and about what; which when they could not get (40) out of me (as,
I protest, they must ha’ dissected, and made an anatomy[1299] o’
me first, and so I told ’em), they lock’d me up into a room i’ the
top of a high house, whence by great miracle (having a light heart)
I slid down by a (45) bottom[1300] of packthread into the street,
and so scapt. But, sir, thus much I can assure you, for I heard it
while I was lockt up, there were a great many rich merchants and
brave citizens’ wives with ’em at a feast; and your son, (50) master
Edward, withdrew with one of ’em, and has ’pointed to meet her anon
at one Cob’s house, a water-bearer that dwells by the Wall. Now,
there your worship shall be sure to take him, for there he preys, and
fail he will not. 56

_Know._ Nor will I fail to break his match, I doubt not.
Go thou along with justice Clement’s man,
And stay there for me. At one Cob’s house, say’st thou? 59

_Brai._ Ay, sir, there you shall have him. [_Exit_ KNOWELL.]
Yes—invisible! Much wench, or much son! ’Slight, when he has staid
there three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of
wonders, and at length be deliver’d of air! O the sport that I should
then (65) take to look on him, if I durst! But now, I mean to appear
no more afore him in this shape: I have another trick to act yet.
O that I were so happy as to light on a nupson[1301] now of this
justice’s novice!—Sir, I make you stay somewhat long. 71

_Form._ Not a whit, sir. Pray you what do you mean, sir?

_Bra._ I was putting up some papers.

_Form._ You ha’ been lately in the wars, sir, it seems. 76

_Brai._ Marry have I, sir, to my loss, and expense of all, almost.

_Form._ Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a bottle of wine o’
you, if it please you to accept it—— 81

_Brai._ O, sir——

_Form._ But to hear the manner of your services, and your devices in
the wars. They say they be very strange, and not like those (86) a
man reads in the Roman histories, or sees at Mile-end.[1302]

_Brai._ No, I assure you, sir; why at any time when it please you, I
shall be ready to discourse to you all I know; [_Aside._]—and more
too somewhat. 91

_Form._ No better time than now, sir; we’ll go to the Windmill; there
we shall have a cup of neat grist,[1303] we call it. I pray you, sir,
let me request you to the Windmill.

_Brai._ I’ll follow you, sir; [_Aside._]—and make grist o’ you, if I
have good luck. [_Exeunt._] 95

SCENE VII.[1304]

[_Enter_] MATHEW, E. KNOWELL, BOBADILL, STEPHEN.

_Mat._ Sir, did your eyes ever taste the like clown of him where we
were to-day, Mr. Wellbred’s half-brother? I think the whole earth
cannot shew his parallel, by this daylight.

_E. Know._ We were now speaking of him; (5) captain Bobadill tells me
he is fall’n foul o’ you too.

_Mat._ O, ay, sir, he threat’ned me with the bastinado.

_Bob._ Ay, but I think, I taught you prevention (10) this morning,
for that. You shall kill him beyond question, if you be so generously
minded.

_Mat._ Indeed, it is a most excellent trick.
[_Fences._]

_Bob._ O, you do not give spirit enough to (15) your motion; you are
too tardy, too heavy! O, it must be done like lightning, hay!
_Practises at a post._

_Mat._ Rare, captain!

_Bob._ Tut! ’tis nothing, an’t be not done in a——_punto_.[1305] 20

_E. Know._ Captain, did you ever prove yourself upon any of our
masters of defence here?

_Mat._ O good sir! yes, I hope he has.

_Bob._ I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the city, after
my long travel for knowledge (25) in that mystery only, there came
three or four of ’em to me, at a gentleman’s house, where it was my
chance to be resident at that time, to intreat my presence at their
schools: and withal so much importun’d me that, (30) I protest to
you as I am a gentleman, I was asham’d of their rude demeanour out
of all measure. Well, I told ’em that to come to a public school,
they should pardon me, it was opposite, in diameter, to my humour;
but if (35) so be they would give their attendance at my lodging,
I protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a
gentleman, and so forth.

_E. Know._ So, sir! then you tried their skill?

_Bob._ Alas, soon tried: you shall hear, sir. (41) Within two or
three days after, they came; and, by honesty, fair sir, believe me,
I grac’d them exceedingly, shew’d them some two or three tricks of
prevention have purchas’d (45) ’em since a credit to admiration. They
cannot deny this; and yet now they hate me; and why? Because I am
excellent; and for no other vile reason on the earth.

_E. Know._ This is strange and barbarous, (50) as ever I heard.

_Bob._ Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous natures, but
note, sir. They have assaulted me some three, four, five, six of
them together, as I have walkt alone in divers skirts i’ the town,
as Turnbull, Whitechapel, (56) Shoreditch,[1306] which were then my
quarters; and since, upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my
ordinary: where I have driven them afore me the whole length of a
street, in the (60) open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt
them, believe me. Yet all this lenity will not o’ercome their spleen;
they will be doing with the pismire,[1307] raising a hill a man may
spurn abroad with his foot at pleasure. By myself, (65) I could have
slain them all, but I delight not in murder. I am loth to bear any
other than this bastinado for ’em: yet I hold it good polity not
to go disarm’d, for though I be skilful, I may be oppress’d with
multitudes. 70

_E. Know._ Ay, believe me, may you, sir: and in my conceit, our whole
nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.

_Bob._ Alas, no? what’s a peculiar[1308] man to a nation? Not seen. 75

_E. Know._ O, but your skill, sir.

_Bob._ Indeed, that might be some loss; but who respects it? I
will tell you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal; I am a
gentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but (80) were I
known to her majesty and the lords,—observe me,—I would undertake,
upon this poor head and life, for the public benefit of the state,
not only to spare the entire lives of her subjects in general; but
to save the one half, (85) nay, three parts of her yearly charge in
holding war, and against what enemy soever. And how would I do it,
think you?

_E. Know._ Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive. 90

_Bob._ Why thus, sir. I would select nineteen more, to myself,
throughout the land; gentlemen they should be of good spirit,
strong and able constitution; I would choose them by an instinct, a
character that I have: and I would teach these nineteen the special
rules, as your (96) _punto_, your _reverso_, your _stoccata_, your
_imbroccato_, your _passada_, your _montanto_;[1309] till they could
all play very near, or altogether, as well as myself. This done,
say the enemy were forty thousand strong, we twenty would come into
the (101) field the tenth of March, or thereabouts; and we would
challenge twenty of the enemy; they could not in their honour refuse
us: well, we would kill them; challenge twenty more, kill (105) them;
twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them too; and thus would we
kill every man his twenty a day, that’s twenty score; twenty score,
that’s two hundred;[1310] two hundred a day, five days a thousand:
forty thousand; forty times five, five times forty, two hundred 111
days kills them all up by computation. And this will I venture my
poor gentleman-like carcass to perform, provided there be no treason
practis’d upon us, by fair and discreet manhood; (115) that is,
civilly by the sword.

_E. Know._ Why, are you so sure of your hand, captain, at all times?

_Bob._ Tut! never miss thrust, upon my reputation with you. 120

_E. Know._ I would not stand in Downright’s state then, an you meet
him, for the wealth of any one street in London.

_Bob._ Why, sir, you mistake me: if he were here now, by this welkin,
I would not draw my weapon on him. Let this gentleman do his (126)
mind; but I will bastinado him, by the bright sun, wherever I meet
him.

_Mat._ Faith, and I’ll have a fling at him, at my distance. 130

_E. Know._ ’God’s so, look where he is! yonder he goes.
DOWNRIGHT _walks over the stage_.

_Dow._ What peevish luck have I, I cannot meet with these bragging
rascals?

_Bob._ It is not he, is it? 135

_E. Know._ Yes, faith, it is he.

_Mat._ I’ll be hang’d, then, if that were he.

_E. Know._ Sir, keep your hanging good for some greater matter, for I
assure you that was he. 140

_Step._ Upon my reputation, it was he.

_Bob._ Had I thought it had been he, he must not have gone so: but I
can hardly be induc’d to believe it was he yet.

_E. Know._ That I think, sir. 145
[_Re-enter_ DOWNRIGHT.]
But see, he is come again.

_Dow._ O, Pharaoh’s foot, have I found you? Come, draw, to your
tools; draw, gipsy, or I’ll thrash you.

_Bob._ Gentleman of valour, I do believe in thee; hear me—— 151

_Dow._ Draw your weapon then.

_Bob._ Tall[1311] man, I never thought on it till now——body of me,
I had a warrant of the peace served on me, even now as I came along,
by a water-bearer; this gentleman saw it, (156) Master Mathew.

_Dow._ ’S death! you will not draw then?
_Beats and disarms him._ MATHEW _runs away_.

_Bob._ Hold, hold! under thy favour forbear!

_Dow._ Prate again, as you like this, you (160) whoreson foist[1312]
you! You’ll “control[1313] the point,” you! Your consort is gone; had
he staid he had shar’d with you, sir. [_Exit._]

_Bob._ Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace, by
this good day. 165

_E. Know._ No, faith, it’s an ill day, captain, never reckon it
other: but, say you were bound to the peace, the law allows you to
defend yourself: that’ll prove but a poor excuse.

_Bob._ I cannot tell, sir: I desire good construction (170) in fair
sort. I never sustain’d the like disgrace, by heaven! Sure I was
struck with a planet thence, for I had no power to touch my weapon.

_E. Know._ Ay, like enough; I have heard of many that have been
beaten under a planet: (176) go, get you to a surgeon. ’Slid! an
these be your tricks, your _passadas_, and your _montantos_, I’ll
none of them. [_Exit_ BOBADILL.] O, manners! that this age should
bring forth such (180) creatures! that nature should be at leisure to
make them! Come, coz.

_Step._ Mass, I’ll ha’ this cloak.

_E. Know._ ’Od’s will, ’tis Downright’s.

_Step._ Nay, it’s mine now, another might have ta’en up as well as
I: I’ll wear it, so I will. 186

_E. Know._ How an he see it? He’ll challenge it, assure yourself.

_Step._ Ay, but he shall not ha’ it; I’ll say I bought it. 190

_E. Know._ Take heed you buy it not too dear, coz. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE VIII.[1314]

[_Enter_] KITELY, WELLBRED, DAME KITELY, _and_ BRIDGET.

_Kit._ Now, trust me, brother, you were much to blame,
T’ incense his anger, and disturb the peace
Of my poor house, where there are sentinels
That every minute watch to give alarms
Of civil war, without adjection[1315] 5
Of your assistance or occasion.

_Wel._ No harm done, brother, I warrant you. Since there is no harm
done, anger costs a man nothing; and a tall man is never his own man
till he be angry. To keep his valour in obscurity, (10) is to keep
himself as it were in a cloak-bag. What’s a musician, unless he play?
What’s a tall mail unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my wise
brother stands upon absolutely; and that made me fall in with him so
resolutely. 15

_Dame K._ Ay, but what harm might have come of it, brother!

_Wel._ Might, sister? So might the good warm clothes your husband
wears be poison’d, for any thing he knows: or the wholesome wine he 20
drank, even now at the table.

_Kit._ [_Aside._] Now, God forbid! O me! now I remember
My wife drank to me last, and chang’d the cup,
And bade me wear this cursed suit to-day.
See, if Heaven suffer murder undiscover’d!— 25
I feel me ill; give me some mithridate,[1316]
Some mithridate and oil, good sister, fetch me;
O, I am sick at heart, I burn, I burn.
If you will save my life, go fetch it me.

_Wel._ O strange humour! my very breath (30) has poison’d him.

_Brid._ Good brother, be content, what do you mean?
The strength of these extreme conceits[1317] will kill you.

_Dame K._ Beshrew your heart-blood, brother Wellbred, now,
For putting such a toy into his head! 35

_Wel._ Is a fit simile a toy? Will he be poison’d with a simile?
Brother Kitely, what a strange and idle imagination is this! For
shame, be wiser. O’ my soul, there’s no such matter. 39

_Kit._ Am I not sick? How am I then not poison’d?
Am I not poison’d? How am I then so sick?

_Dame K._ If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.

_Wel._ His jealousy is the poison he has taken.

_Enter_ BRAINWORM, _disguised like justice Clement’s man_.

_Brai._ Master Kitely, my master, justice (44) Clement, salutes you;
and desires to speak with you with all possible speed.

_Kit._ No time but now, when I think I am sick, very sick! Well, I
will wait upon his worship. Thomas! Cob! I must seek them out, and
set ’em sentinels till I return. Thomas! Cob! (50) Thomas! [_Exit._]

_Wel._ This is perfectly rare, Brainworm; [_Takes him aside._] but
how got’st thou this apparel of the justice’s man? 54

_Brai._ Marry, sir, my proper fine pen-man would needs bestow the
grist o’ me, at the Windmill, to hear some martial discourse; where
I so marshall’d him, that I made him drunk with admiration: and,
because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stript 60
him stark naked as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit to
deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour, and an
old brown bill to watch him till my return; which shall be, when I
ha’ pawn’d his apparel, and (65) spent the better part o’ the money,
perhaps.

_Wel._ Well, thou art a successful merry knave, Brainworm: his
absence will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee return to
thy young master, and will him to meet me and my (70) sister Bridget
at the Tower[1318] instantly; for here, tell him, the house is so
stor’d with jealousy, there is no room for love to stand upright in.
We must get our fortunes committed to some larger prison, say; and
than the Tower, I (75) know no better air, nor where the liberty of
the house may do us more present service. Away!
[_Exit_ BRAINWORM.]

[_Re-enter_ KITELY, _talking aside to_ CASH.]

_Kit._ Come hither, Thomas. Now my secret’s ripe,
And thou shalt have it: lay to both thine ears.
Hark what I say to thee. I must go forth, Thomas; 80
Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch,
Note every gallant, and observe him well,
That enters in my absence to thy mistress:
If she would shew him rooms, the jest is stale,
Follow ’em, Thomas, or else hang on him, 85
And let him not go after; mark their looks;
Note if she offer but to see his band,
Or any other amorous toy about him;
But praise his leg, or foot: or if she say
The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand, 90
How hot it is; O, that’s a monstrous thing!
Note me all this, good Thomas, mark their sighs,
And if they do but whisper, break ’em off:
I’ll bear thee out in it. Wilt thou do this?
Wilt thou be true, my Thomas?

_Cash._ As truth’s self, sir. 95

_Kit._ Why, I believe thee. Where is Cob, now? Cob! _Exit._]

_Dame K._ He’s ever calling for Cob: I wonder how he employs Cob so.

_Wel._ Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob, is a necessary
question for you that are (100) his wife, and a thing not very easy
for you to be satisfied in; but this I’ll assure you, Cob’s wife is
an excellent bawd, sister, and oftentimes your husband haunts her
house; marry, to what end? I cannot altogether accuse him; imagine
(105) you what you think convenient: but I have known fair hides have
foul hearts ere now, sister.

_Dame K._ Never said you truer than that, brother, so much I can tell
you for your learning. Thomas, fetch your cloak and go with me. 110
[_Exit_ CASH.]
I’ll after him presently: I would to fortune I could take him there,
i’ faith. I ’d return him his own, I warrant him! [_Exit._]

_Wel._ So, let ’em go; this may make sport anon. Now, my fair
sister-in-law, that you knew but (115) how happy a thing it were to
be fair and beautiful.

_Brid._ That touches not me, brother.

_Wel._ That’s true; that’s even the fault of it; for indeed,
beauty stands a woman in no (120) stead, unless it procure her
touching.—But, sister, whether it touch you or no, it touches your
beauties; and I am sure they will abide the touch; an they do not,
a plague of all ceruse,[1319] say I! and it touches me too in part,
(125) though not in the——Well, there’s a dear and respected friend
of mine, sister, stands very strongly and worthily affected toward
you, and hath vow’d to inflame whole bonfires of zeal at his heart,
in honour of your perfections. I (130) have already engag’d my
promise to bring you where you shall hear him confirm much more. Ned
Knowell is the man, sister: there’s no exception against the party.
You are ripe for a husband; and a minute’s loss to such an 135
occasion is a great trespass in a wise beauty. What say you, sister?
On my soul he loves you; will you give him the meeting?

_Brid._ Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy,
brother, if I durst not (140) meet a man: but this motion of yours
savours of an old knight adventurer’s servant a little too much,
methinks.

_Wel._ What’s that, sister?

_Brid._ Marry, of the squire.[1320] 145

_Wel._ No matter if it did, I would be such an one for my friend. But
see, who is return’d to hinder us!

[_Re-enter_ KITELY.]

_Kit._ What villany is this? Call’d out on a false message!
This was some plot; I was not sent for.—Bridget, 150
Where is your sister?

_Brid._ I think she be gone forth, sir.

_Kit._ How! is my wife gone forth? Whither, for God’s sake?

_Brid._ She ’s gone abroad with Thomas.

_Kit._ Abroad with Thomas! oh, that villain dors[1321] me:
He hath discover’d all unto my wife. 155
Beast that I was, to trust him! Whither, I pray you
Went she?

_Brid._ I know not, sir.

_Wel._ I’ll tell you, brother,
Whither I suspect she’s gone.

_Kit._ Whither, good brother?

_Wel._ To Cob’s house, I believe: but, keep my counsel.

_Kit._ I will, I will: to Cob’s house! Doth she haunt Cob’s? 160
She’s gone a’ purpose now to cuckold me
With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favour,
Hath told her all. [_Exit._]

_Wel._ Come, he is once more gone,
Sister, let’s lose no time; th’ affair is worth it.
[_Exeunt._]

SCENE IX.[1322]

[_Enter_] MATHEW _and_ BOBADILL.

_Mat._ I wonder, captain, what they will say of my going away, ha?

_Bob._ Why, what should they say, but as of a discreet gentleman;
quick, wary, respectful of nature’s fair lineaments? and that’s all. 5

_Mat._ Why so! but what can they say of your beating?

_Bob._ A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery
us’d, laid on strongly, borne most patiently; and that’s all. 10

_Mat._ Ay, but would any man have offered it in Venice, as you say?

_Bob._ Tut! I assure you, no: you shall have there your _nobilis_,
your _gentilezza_, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you
close, (15) stand you firm, stand you fair, save your _retricato_
with his left leg, come to the _assalto_ with the right, thrust with
brave steel, defy your base wood! But wherefore do I awake this
remembrance? I was fascinated, by Jupiter; fascinated, but I will be
unwitch’d and reveng’d by law. 21

_Mat._ Do you hear? Is it not best to get a warrant, and have him
arrested and brought before justice Clement?

_Bob._ It were not amiss? Would we had it! 25

[_Enter_ BRAINWORM _disguised as_ FORMAL.]

_Mat._ Why, here comes his man; let’s speak to him.

_Bob._ Agreed, do you speak.

_Mat._ Save you, sir.

_Brai._ With all my heart, sir. 30

_Mat._ Sir, there is one Downright hath abus’d this gentleman and
myself, and we determine to make our amends by law. Now, if you would
do us the favour to procure a warrant to (34) bring him afore your
master, you shall be well considered, I assure you, sir.

_Brai._ Sir, you know my service is my living; such favours as these
gotten of my master is his only preferment,[1323] and therefore you
must (39) consider me as I may make benefit of my place.

_Mat._ How is that, sir?

_Brai._ Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may
be of great account; yet, be he what he will, if you will lay me down
a brace of angels in my hand you shall (45) have it, otherwise not.

_Mat._ How shall we do, captain? He asks a brace of angels; you have
no money?

_Bob._ Not a cross,[1324] by fortune.

_Mat._ Nor I, as I am a gentleman, but two-pence (50) left of my two
shillings in the morning for wine and radish: let’s find him some
pawn.

_Bob._ Pawn! we have none to the value of his demand.

_Mat._ O, yes; I’ll pawn this jewel in my (55) ear, and you may pawn
your silk stockings, and pull up your boots, they will ne’er be mist:
it must be done now.

_Bob._ Well, an there be no remedy, I’ll step aside and pull ’em off.
[_Withdraws._] 60

_Mat._ Do you hear, sir? We have no store of money at this time,
but you shall have good pawns; look you, sir, this jewel, and that
gentleman’s silk stockings; because we would have it dispatch’d ere
we went to our chambers. 65

_Brai._ I am content, sir; I will get you the warrant
presently.[1325] What’s his name, say you? Downright?

_Mat._ Ay, ay, George Downright.

_Brai._ What manner of man is he? 70

_Mat._ A tall big man, sir; he goes in a cloak most commonly of
silk-russet, laid about with russet lace.

_Brai._ ’Tis very good, sir.

_Mat._ Here, sir, here’s my jewel. 75

_Bob._ [_returning._] And here are stockings.

_Brai._ Well, gentlemen, I’ll procure you this warrant presently; but
who will you have to serve it?

_Mat._ That’s true, captain: that must be (80) consider’d.

_Bob._ Body o’ me, I know not; ’tis service of danger.

_Brai._ Why, you were best get one o’ the varlets o’ the city,[1326]
a serjeant: I’ll appoint you one, if you please. 85

_Mat._ Will you, sir? Why, we can wish no better.

_Bob._ We’ll leave it to you, sir.
[_Exeunt_ BOB. _and_ MAT.]

_Brai._ This is rare! Now will I go and pawn this cloak of the
justice’s man’s at the broker’s (90) for a varlet’s suit, and be the
varlet myself; and get either more pawns, or more money of Downright,
for the arrest. [_Exit._]

SCENE X.[1327]

[_Enter_] KNOWELL.

_Know._ Oh, here it is; I am glad I have found it now;
Ho! who is within here?

_Tib._ [_within._] I am within, sir? What’s your pleasure?

_Know._ To know who is within besides yourself.

_Tib._ Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?

_Know._ O, fear you the constable? Then I doubt not 6
You have some guests within deserve that fear.
I’ll fetch him straight.

[_Enter_ TIB.]
O’ God’s name, sir!

_Know._ Go to; come tell me, is not young Knowell here?

_Tib._ Young Knowell! I know none such, sir, o’ mine honesty. 10

_Know._ Your honesty, dame! It flies too lightly from you.
There is no way but fetch the constable.

_Tib._ The constable! the man is mad, I think.

[_Exit, and claps to the door._]

[_Enter_ DAME KITELY _and_ CASH.]

_Cash._ Ho! who keeps house here?

_Know._ O, this is the female copesmate[1328] of my son: 15
Now shall I meet him straight.

_Dame K._ Knock, Thomas, hard.

_Cash._ Ho, goodwife!

[_Re-enter_ TIB.]

_Tib._ Why, what’s the matter with you?

_Dame K._ Why, woman, grieves it you to ope your door?
Belike you get something to keep it shut.

_Tib._ What mean these questions, pray ye? 20

_Dame K._ So strange you make it! Is not my husband here?

_Know._ Her husband!

_Dame K._ My tried husband, master Kitely?

_Tib._ I hope he needs not to be tried here.

_Dame K._ No, dame, he does it not for need, but pleasure. 24

_Tib._ Neither for need nor pleasure is he here.

_Know._ This is but a device to balk me withal:
[_Enter_ KITELY, _muffled in his cloak_.]
Soft, who is this? ’Tis not my son disguis’d?

_Dame K._ (_spies her husband come, and runs to him._)
O, sir, have I forestall’d your honest market?
Found your close[1329] walks? You stand amaz’d now, do you? 29
I’ faith, I am glad I have smokt[1330] you yet at last.
What is your jewel, trow? In, come, let’s see her;
Fetch forth your huswife, dame; if she be fairer,
In any honest judgment, than myself,
I’ll be content with it: but she is change,
She feeds you fat, she soothes your appetite, 35
And you are well! Your wife, an honest woman,
Is meat twice sod[1331] to you, sir! O, you treachour![1332]

_Know._ She cannot counterfeit thus palpably.

_Kit._ Out on thy more than strumpet’s impudence!
Steal’st thou thus to thy haunts? and have I taken 40
Thy bawd and thee, and thy companion,
(_pointing to old_ KNOWELL)
This hoary-headed letcher, this old goat,
Close at your villainy, and would’st thou ’scuse it
With this stale harlot’s jest, accusing me?
O, old incontinent (_to_ KNOWELL), dost thou not shame, 45
When all thy powers in chastity is spent,
To have a mind so hot, and to entice,
And feed th’ enticements of a lustful woman?

_Dame K._ Out, I defy thee, I, dissembling wretch!

_Kit._ Defy me, strumpet! Ask thy pander[1333] here, 50
Can he deny it; or that wicked elder?

_Know._ Why, hear you, sir.

_Kit._ Tut, tut, tut; never speak:
Thy guilty conscience will discover thee.

_Know._ What lunacy is this, that haunts this man?

_Kit._ Well, good wife BA’D,[1334] Cob’s wife, and you, 55
That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy;[1335]
And you, young apple-squire, and old cuckold-maker;
I’ll ha’ you every one before a justice:
Nay, you shall answer it, I charge you go.

_Know._ Marry, with all my heart, sir, I go willingly; 60
Though I do taste this as a trick put on me,
To punish my impertinent search, and justly,
And half forgive my son for the device.

_Kit._ Come, will you go?

_Dame K._ Go! to thy shame believe it.

[_Enter_ COB.]

_Cob._ Why, what’s the matter here, what’s here to do? 65

_Kit._ O, Cob, art thou come? I have been abus’d,
And i’ thy house; was never man so wrong’d!

_Cob._ ’Slid, in my house, my master Kitely!
Who wrongs you in my house?

_Kit._ Marry, young lust in old, and old in young here: 70
Thy wife’s their bawd, here have I taken ’em.

_Cob._ How, bawd! is my house come to that? Am I preferr’d thither?
Did I not charge you to keep your doors shut, Isbel? and do you let
’em lie open for all comers? 75
_He falls upon his wife and beats her._

_Know._ Friend, know some cause, before thou beat’st thy wife.
This ’s madness in thee.

_Cob._ Why, is there no cause?

_Kit._ Yes, I’ll shew cause before the justice, Cob:
Come, let her go with me.

_Cob._ Nay, she shall go.

_Tib._ Nay, I will go. I’ll see an you may (80) be allow’d to make
a bundle o’ hemp[1336] o’ your right and lawful wife thus, at every
cuckoldy knave’s pleasure. Why do you not go?

_Kit._ A bitter quean! Come, we will ha’ you tam’d. [_Exeunt._]

SCENE XI.[1337]

[_Enter_] BRAINWORM, [_disguised as a City Serjeant_.]

_Brai._ Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself,
being in this serjeant’s gown. A man of my present profession never
counterfeits, till he lays hold upon a debtor and says he ’rests him;
for then he brings him to all (5) manner of unrest. A kind of little
kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a young
artichoke, that always carries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I
know not what danger I undergo by this exploit; pray Heaven (10) I
come well off!

[_Enter_ MATHEW _and_ BOBADILL.]

_Mat._ See, I think, yonder is the varlet, by his gown.

_Bob._ Let’s go in quest of him.

_Mat._ ’Save you, friend! Are not you here by appointment of justice
Clement’s man? 15

_Brai._ Yes, an’t please you, sir; he told me two gentlemen had
will’d him to procure a warrant from his master, which I have about
me, to be serv’d on one Downright.

_Mat._ It is honestly done of you both; and (20) see where the party
comes you must arrest; serve it upon him quickly, afore he be aware.

_Bob._ Bear back, master Mathew.

[_Enter_ STEPHEN _in_ DOWNRIGHT’S _cloak_.]

_Brai._ Master Downright, I arrest you i’ the queen’s name, and must
carry you afore a (25) justice by virtue of this warrant.

_Step._ Me, friend! I am no Downright, I; I am master Stephen. You do
not well to arrest me, I tell you, truly; I am in nobody’s bonds nor
books, I would you should know it. A plague (30) on you heartily, for
making me thus afraid afore my time!

_Brai._ Why, now are you deceived, gentlemen?

_Bob._ He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us: but see, here ’a
comes indeed; this (35) is he, officer.

[_Enter_ DOWNRIGHT.]

_Dow._ Why how now, signior gull! Are you turn’d filcher of late!
Come, deliver my cloak.

_Step._ Your cloak, sir! I bought it even now, in open market. 40

_Brai._ Master Downright, I have a warrant I must serve upon you,
procur’d by these two gentlemen.

_Dow._ These gentlemen! These rascals!
[_Offers to beat them_.]

_Brai._ Keep the peace, I charge you in her majesty’s name. 45

_Dow._ I obey thee. What must I do, officer?

_Brai._ Go before master justice Clement, to answer what they can
object against you, sir. I will use you kindly, sir. 50

_Mat._ Come, let’s before, and make[1338] the justice, captain.

_Bob._ The varlet’s a tall man, afore heaven!
[_Exeunt_ BOB. _and_ MAT.]

_Dow._ Gull, you’ll gi’ me my cloak.

_Step._ Sir, I bought it, and I’ll keep it. 55

_Dow._ You will?

_Step._ Ay, that I will.

_Dow._ Officer, there’s thy fee, arrest him.

_Brai._ Master Stephen, I must arrest you.

_Step._ Arrest me! I scorn it. There, take your cloak, I’ll none on
’t. 61

_Dow._ Nay, that shall not serve your turn now, sir. Officer, I’ll
go with thee to the justice’s; bring him along.

_Step._ Why, is not here your cloak? What would you have? 66

_Dow._ I’ll ha’ you answer it, sir.

_Brai._ Sir, I’ll take your word, and this gentleman’s too, for his
appearance.

_Dow._ I’ll ha’ no words taken: bring him along.

_Brai._ Sir, I may choose to do that, I may (71) take bail.

_Dow._ ’Tis true, you may take bail, and choose at another time; but
you shall not now, varlet. Bring him along, or I’ll swinge you. 75

_Brai._ Sir, I pity the gentleman’s case; here’s your money again.

_Dow._ ’Sdeins, tell not me of my money; bring him away, I say.

_Brai._ I warrant you he will go with you of himself, sir. 81

_Dow._ Yet more ado?

_Brai._ [_Aside._] I have made a fair mash on’t.

_Step._ Must I go?

_Brai._ I know no remedy, master Stephen. 85

_Dow._ Come along afore me here; I do not love your hanging look
behind.

_Step._ Why, sir, I hope you cannot hang me for it: can he, fellow?

_Brai._ I think not, sir; it is but a whipping matter, sure. 91

_Step._ Why then let him do his worst, I am resolute. [_Exeunt._]