Chapter CXVII: Act V: Scene I.3896

_Enter_ LUCRE _and_ WITGOOD.

_Wit._ Nay, uncle, let me prevail with you so much: I’ faith, go, now
he has invited you.

_Luc._ I shall have great joy there when he has borne away the widow!

_Wit._ Why, la, I thought where I should (5) find you presently.
Uncle, a’ my troth, ’t is nothing so.

_Luc._ What ’s nothing so, sir? Is not he married to the widow?

_Wit._ No, by my troth, is he not, uncle. 10

_Luc._ How?

_Wit._ Will you have the truth on ’t? He is married to a whore, i’
faith.

_Luc._ I should laugh at that.

_Wit._ Uncle, let me perish in your favour (15) if you find it not
so; and that ’t is I that have married the honest woman.

_Luc._ Ha! I ’d walk ten mile ’a foot to see that, i’ faith.

_Wit._ And see ’t you shall, or I ’ll ne’er see (20) you again.

_Luc._ A quean, i’ faith? Ha, ha, ha! _Exeunt._

[SCENE II.][3897]

_Enter_ HOARD, _tasting wine,_ Host _following in a livery cloak._

_Hoa._ Pup, pup, pup, pup, I like not this wine: is there never a
better tierce in the house?

_Host._ Yes, sir, there are as good tierces in the house as any are
in England. 5

_Hoa._ Desire your mistress, you knave, to taste ’em all over; she
has best skill.

_Host._ [_Aside._] Has she so? The better for her, and the worse for
you. _Exit._

_Hoa._ Arthur! 10
[_Enter_ ARTHUR.]
Is the cupboard of plate set out?

_Arth._ All ’s in order, sir. [_Exit._]

_Hoa._ I am in love with my liveries every time I think on ’em; they
make a gallant show, by my troth. Niece! 15

[_Enter_ JOYCE.]

_Joyce._ Do you call, sir?

_Hoa._ Prithee, show a little diligence, and overlook the knaves
a little; they ’ll filch and steal to-day, and send whole pasties
home to their wives; an thou be’st a good niece, do (20) not see me
purloin’d.

_Joyce._ Fear it not, sir—[_Aside._] I have cause: though the feast
be prepared for you, yet it serves fit for my wedding-dinner too.
[_Exit._]

_Enter two_ Gentlemen [LAMPREY _and_ SPICHCOCK].

_Hoa._ Master Lamprey and Master Spichcock, (25) two the most
welcome gentlemen alive! Your fathers and mine were all free a’ th’
fishmongers.[3898]

_Lam._ They were indeed, sir. You see bold guests, sir; soon
entreated. 30

_Hoa._ And that ’s best, sir.
[_Enter_ Servant.]
How now, sirrah?

_Ser._ There’s a coach come to th’ door, sir. [_Exit._]

_Hoa._ My Lady Foxtone, a’ my life!—Mistress Jane Hoard!
wife!—Mass, ’t is her ladyship (35) indeed!
[_Enter_ LADY FOXTONE.]
Madam, you are welcome to an unfurnisht house, dearth of cheer,
scarcity of attendance.

_L. Fox._ You are pleas’d to make the worst, sir. 40

_Hoa._ Wife!

[_Enter_ Courtesan.]

_L. Fox._ Is this your wife?

_Hoa._ Yes, madam.—Salute my Lady Foxtone.

_Cour._ Please you, madam, awhile to taste (45) the air in the garden?

_L. Fox._ ’T will please us well. _Exeunt_ [L. FOXTONE _and_ Courtesan].

_Hoa._ Who would not wed? The most delicious life!
No joys are like the comforts of a wife. 49

_Lam._ So we bachelors think, that are not troubled with them.

[_Re-enter_ Servant.]

_Ser._ Your worship’s brother, with other ancient gentlemen, are
newly alighted, sir. [_Exit._]

_Hoa._ Master Onesiphorus Hoard? Why, now our company begins to come
in. 55
[_Enter_ ONESIPHORUS HOARD, LIMBER, _and_ KIX.]
My dear and kind brother, welcome, i’ faith.

_O. Hoa._ You see we are men at an hour, brother.

_Hoa._ Ay, I ’ll say that for you, brother; you keep as good an hour
to come to a feast as (60) any gentleman in the shire.—What, old
Master Limber and Master Kix! Do we meet, i’ faith, jolly gentlemen?

_Lim._ We hope you lack guests, sir? 64

_Hoa._ O, welcome, welcome! We lack still such guests as your
worships.

_O. Hoa._ Ah, sirrah brother, have you catcht up Widow Medler?

_Hoa._ From ’em all, brother; and I may tell you I had mighty
enemies, those that stuck (70) sore: old Lucre is a sore fox, I can
tell you, brother.

_O. Hoa._ Where is she? I ’ll go seek her out;
I long to have a smack at her lips. 74

_Hoa._ And most wishfully,[3899] brother, see where she comes.
[_Re-enter_ Courtesan _and_ LADY FOXTONE.]
Give her a smack now we may hear it all the house over. (Courtesan
_and_ O. Hoard _turn back_.)

_Cour._ O Heaven, I am betray’d! I know that face. 80

_Hoa._ Ha, ha, ha! why, how now? Are you both asham’d?—Come,
gentlemen, we ’ll look another way.

_O. Hoa._ Nay, brother, hark you: come, you’re dispos’d to be
merry. 85

_Hoa._ Why do we meet else, man?

_O. Hoa._ That’s another matter: I was ne’er so ’fraid in my life but
that you had been in earnest.

_Hoa._ How mean you, brother? 90

_O. Hoa._ You said she was your wife.

_Hoa._ Did I so? By my troth, and so she is.

_O. Hoa._ By your troth, brother?

_Hoa._ What reason have I to dissemble (94) with my friends, brother?
If marriage can make her mine, she is mine. Why——

_O. Hoa._ Troth, I am not well of a sudden. I must crave pardon,
brother; I came to see you, but I cannot stay dinner, i’ faith.

_Hoa._ I hope you will not serve me so, brother? 101

_Lim._ By your leave, Master Hoard——

_Hoa._ What now? what now? Pray, gentlemen:—you were wont to show
yourselves wise men. 105

_Lim._ But you have shown your folly too much here.

_Hoa._ How?

_Kix._ Fie, fie! a man of your repute and name!
You’ll feast your friends, but cloy ’em first with shame.

_Hoa._ This grows too deep; pray, let us reach the sense. 110

_Lim._ In your old age dote on a courtesan!

_Hoa._ Ha!

_Kix._ Marry a strumpet!

_Hoa._ Gentlemen!

_O. Hoa._ And Witgood’s quean! 115

_Hoa._ O! nor lands nor living?

_O. Hoa._ Living!

_Hoa._ [_to_ Courtesan.] Speak.

_Cour._ Alas, you know, at first, sir,
I told you I had nothing! 120

_Hoa._ Out, out! I am cheated; infinitely cozened!

_Lim._ Nay, Master Hoard——

_Enter_ LUCRE, WITGOOD, [_and_ JOYCE.]

_Hoa._ A Dutch widow! a Dutch widow! a Dutch widow!

_Luc._ Why, nephew, shall I trace thee still a liar?
Wilt make me mad? Is not yon thing the widow? 125

_Wit._ Why, la, you are so hard a’ belief, uncle!
By my troth, she ’s a whore.

_Luc._ Then thou ’rt a knave.

_Wit. Negatur argumentum_, uncle. 129

_Luc. Probo tibi_, nephew: he that knows a woman to be a quean must
needs be a knave; thou sayst thou knowest her to be one; _ergo_, if
she be a quean, thou ’rt a knave.

_Wit. Negatur sequela majoris_, uncle; he that knows a woman to be a
quean must needs be a knave; I deny that. 136

_Hoa._ Lucre and Witgood, you’re both villains; get you out of my
house!

_Luc._ Why, didst not invite me to thy wedding-dinner? 140

_Wit._ And are not you and I sworn perpetual friends before witness,
sir, and were both drunk upon ’t?

_Hoa._ Daintily abus’d! You’ve put a junt[3900] upon me!

_Luc._ Ha, ha, ha! 145

_Hoa._ A common strumpet!

_Wit._ Nay, now
You wrong her, sir; if I were she, I ’d have
The law on you for that; I durst depose for her 149
She ne’er had common use nor common thought.

_Cour._ Despise me, publish me, I am your wife;
What shame can I have now but you ’ll have part?
If in disgrace you share, I sought not you;
You pursued, nay, forc’d me; had I friends would follow it,
Less than your action has been prov’d a rape.

_O. Hoa._ Brother! 156

_Cour._ Nor did I ever boast of lands unto you,
Money, or goods; I took a plainer course,
And told you true, I ’d nothing:
If error were committed, ’t was by you; 160
Thank your own folly. Nor has my sin been
So odious, but worse has been forgiven;
Nor am I so deform’d, but I may challenge
The utmost power of any old man’s love. 164
She that tastes not sin before, twenty to one but she ’ll taste it
after: most of you old men are content to marry young virgins, and
take that which follows; where, marrying one of us, you both save a
sinner and are quit from a cuckold for ever: 170
And more, in brief, let this your best thoughts win,
She that knows sin, knows best how to hate sin.

_Hoa._ Curst be all malice! black are the fruits of spite,
And poison first their owners. O, my friends,
I must embrace shame, to be rid of shame! 175
Conceal’d disgrace prevents a public name.
Ah, Witgood! ah, Theodorus!

_Wit._ Alas, sir, I was prickt in conscience to see her well
bestowed, and where could I bestow her better than upon your pitiful
worship? (180) Excepting but myself, I dare swear she ’s a virgin;
and now, by marrying your niece, I have banisht myself for ever from
her. She ’s mine aunt now, by my faith, and there ’s no meddling with
mine aunt, you know: a sin against my nuncle. 186

_Cour._ Lo, gentlemen, before you all [_Kneels._]
In true reclaimed form I fall.
Henceforth for ever I defy[3901]
The glances of a sinful eye, 190
Waving of fans (which some suppose
Tricks of fancy[3902]), treading of toes,
Wringing of fingers, biting the lip,
The wanton gait, th’ alluring trip;
All secret friends and private meetings, 195
Close-borne letters and bawds’ greetings;
Feigning excuse to women’s labours
When we are sent for to th’ next neighbour’s;
Taking false physic, and ne’er start
To be let blood though sign[3903] be at heart; 200
Removing chambers, shifting beds,
To welcome friends in husbands’ steads,
Them to enjoy, and you to marry,
They first serv’d, while you must tarry,
They to spend, and you to gather, 205
They to get, and you to father:
These, and thousand, thousand more,
New reclaim’d, I now abhor.

_Luc._ [_to_ WITGOOD.] Ah, here ’s a lesson, rioter, for you!

_Wit._ I must confess my follies; I ’ll down too: [_Kneels._] 210
And here for ever I disclaim
The cause of youth’s undoing, game,
Chiefly dice, those true outlanders,
That shake out beggars, thieves, and panders;
Soul-wasting surfeits, sinful riots, 215
Queans’ evils, doctors’ diets,
’Pothecaries’ drugs, surgeons’ glisters;
Stabbing of arms[3904] for a common mistress;
Riband favours, ribald speeches;
Dear perfum’d jackets, penniless breeches; 220
Dutch flapdragons,[3905] healths in urine;
Drabs that keep a man too sure in:
I do defy you all.
Lend me each honest hand, for here I rise
A reclaim’d man, loathing the general vice. 225

_Hoa._ So, so, all friends! the wedding-dinner cools:
Who seem most crafty prove ofttimes most fools. [_Exeunt._]

THE CHANGELING

BY THOMAS MIDDLETON AND WILLIAM ROWLEY

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

VERMANDERO, [governor of the castle of Alicant,] father to Beatrice.
TOMASO DE PIRACQUO, a noble lord.
ALONZO DE PIRACQUO, his brother, suitor to Beatrice.
ALSEMERO, a nobleman, afterwards married to Beatrice.
JASPERINO, his friend.
ALIBIUS, a jealous doctor.
LOLLIO, his man.
PEDRO, friend to Antonio.
ANTONIO, the changeling.
FRANCISCUS, the counterfeit madman.
DE FLORES, servant to Vermandero.
Madmen.
Servants.

BEATRICE [-JOANNA], daughter to Vermandero.
DIAPHANTA, her waiting-woman.
ISABELLA, wife of Alibius.

SCENE.—_Alicant._