Chapter CXVI: Act IV: Scene I

_Enter at Cole-Harbour_ HOARD, the Widow, [LAMPREY, SPICHCOCK,] _and_ Gentlemen, _he married now_.

1 [_Gent._] Join hearts, join hands,
In wedlock’s bands,
Never to part
Till death cleave your heart.
[_To_ HOARD.] You shall forsake all other women; 5
[_To_ Courtesan.] You lords, knights, gentlemen, and yeomen,
What my tongue slips
Make up with your lips.

_Hoa._ Give you joy, Mistress Hoard; let the kiss come about.
[_Knocking._]
Who knocks? Convey my little pig-eater[3864] out.

_Luc._ [_within._] Hoard! 11

_Hoa._ Upon my life, my adversary, gentlemen!

_Luc._ [_within._] Hoard, open the door, or we will force it ope:
Give us the widow.

_Hoa._ Gentlemen, keep ’em out.

_Lam._ He comes upon his death that enters here. 15

_Luc._ [_within._] My friends, assist me!

_Hoa._ He has assistants, gentlemen.

_Lam._ Tut, nor him nor them we in this action fear.

_Luc._ [_within._] Shall I, in peace, speak one word with the widow?

_Cour._ Husband, and gentlemen, hear me but a word.

_Hoa._ Freely, sweet wife.

_Cour._ Let him in peaceably; 20
You know we ’re sure from any act of his.

_Hoa._ Most true.

[_Cour._][3865] You may stand by and smile at his old weakness:
Let me alone to answer him.

_Hoa._ Content; 25
’T will be good mirth, i’ faith. How think you, gentlemen?

_Lam._ Good gullery!

_Hoa._ Upon calm conditions let him in.

_Luc._ [_within._] All spite and malice!

_Lam._ Hear me, Master Lucre: 30
So you will vow a peaceful entrance
With those your friends, and only exercise
Calm conference with the widow, without fury,
The passage shall receive you.

_Enter_ LUCRE, [Gentlemen, _and_ Host.]

_Luc._ I do vow it.

_Lam._ Then enter and talk freely: here she stands. 35

_Luc._ O, Master Hoard, your spite has watcht the hour!
You’re excellent at vengeance, Master Hoard.

_Hoa._ Ha, ha, ha!

_Luc._ I am the fool you laugh at:
You are wise, sir, and know the seasons well.—
Come hither, widow: why is it thus? 41
O, you have done me infinite disgrace,
And your own credit no small injury!
Suffer mine enemy so despitefully
To bear you from my nephew? O, I had 45
Rather half my substance had been forfeit
And begg’d by some starv’d rascal!

_Cour._ Why, what would you wish me do, sir?
I must not overthrow my state for love:
We have too many precedents for that; 50
From thousands of our wealthy undone widows
One may derive some wit. I do confess
I lov’d your nephew, nay, I did affect him
Against the mind and liking of my friends;
Believ’d his promises; lay here in hope 55
Of flatter’d living, and the boast of lands.
Coming to touch his wealth and state indeed,
It appears dross; I find him not the man;
Imperfect, mean, scarce furnisht of his needs:
In words, fair lordships; in performance, hovels:
Can any woman love the thing that is not? 61

_Luc._ Broke you for this?

_Cour._ Was it not cause too much?
Send to inquire his state: most part of it
Lay two years mortgag’d in his uncle’s hands.

_Luc._ Why, say it did, you might have known my mind: 66
I could have soon restor’d it.

_Cour._ Ay, had I but seen any such thing perform’d,
Why, ’t would have tied my affection, and contain’d
Me in my first desires. Do you think, i’ faith, 70
That I could twine such a dry oak as this,
Had promise in your nephew took effect?

_Luc._ Why, and there ’s no time past; and rather than
My adversary should thus thwart my hopes,
I would—— 75

_Cour._ Tut, you ’ve been ever full of golden speech:
If words were lands, your nephew would be rich.

_Luc._ Widow, believe ’t, I vow by my best bliss,
Before these gentlemen, I will give in
The mortgage to my nephew instantly, 80
Before I sleep or eat.

_1 Gent._ [_friend to_ LUCRE.] We ’ll pawn our credits,
Widow, what he speaks shall be perform’d
In fulness.

_Luc._ Nay, more; I will estate him
In farther blessings; he shall be my heir;
I have no son; 85
I ’ll bind myself to that condition.

_Cour._ When I shall hear this done, I shall soon yield
To reasonable terms.

_Luc._ In the mean season,
Will you protest, before these gentlemen, 89
To keep yourself as you ’re now at this present?

_Cour._ I do protest, before these gentlemen,
I will be as clear then as I am now.

_Luc._ I do believe you. Here’s your own honest servant,
I ’ll take him along with me.

_Cour._ Ay, with all my heart.

_Luc._ He shall see all perform’d, and bring you word. 95

_Cour._ That ’s all I wait for.

_Hoa._ What, have you finisht, Master Lucre? Ha, ha, ha, ha!

_Luc._ So laugh, Hoard, laugh at your poor enemy, do;
The wind may turn, you may be laught at too;
Yes, marry may you, sir.—Ha, ha, ha! 100
_Exeunt_ [LUCRE, Gentlemen, _and_ Host].

_Hoa._ Ha, ha, ha! if every man that swells in malice
Could be reveng’d as happily as I,
He would choose hate, and forswear amity.—
What did he say, wife, prithee?

_Cour._ Faith, spoke to ease his mind.

_Hoa._ O, O, O! 105

_Cour._ You know now, little to any purpose.

_Hoa._ True, true, true!

_Cour._ He would do mountains now.

_Hoa._ Ay, ay, ay, ay.

_Lam._ You ’ve struck him dead, Master Hoard.

_Hoa._ And his nephew desperate.

_Hoa._ I know ’t sirs, I.
Never did man so crush his enemy. _Exeunt._ 110

[SCENE II.][3866]

_Enter_ LUCRE, Gentlemen, [_and_ Host,] _meeting_ SAM FREEDOM.

_Luc._ My son-in-law, Sam Freedom, where ’s my nephew?

_Free._ O man in lamentation,[3867] father.

_Luc._ How!

_Free._ He thumps his breast like a gallant dicer that has lost his
doublet, and stands (5) in ’s shirt to do penance.

_Luc._ Alas, poor gentleman!

_Free._ I warrant you may hear him sigh in a still evening to your
house at Highgate.

_Luc._ I prithee send him in. 10

_Free._ Were it to do a greater matter, I will not stick with you,
sir, in regard you married my mother. [_Exit._]

_Luc._ Sweet gentlemen, cheer him up; I will but fetch the mortgage
and return to you (15) instantly. _Exit._

1 [_Gent._] We ’ll do our best, sir.—See where he comes,
E’en joyless and regardless of all form.

[_Enter_ WITGOOD.]

2 [_Gent._] Why, how now. Master Witgood? Fie! you a firm scholar,
and an understanding (20) gentleman, and give your best parts to
passion?[3868]

_1 Gent._ Come, fie fie!

_Wit._ O, gentlemen——

_1 Gent._ Sorrow of me, what a sigh was there, sir! 25
Nine such widows are not worth it.

_Wit._ To be borne from me by that lecher, Hoard!

_1 Gent._ That vengeance is your uncle’s; being done
More in despite to him than wrong to you:
But we bring comfort now.

_Wit._ I beseech you, gentlemen—— 30

_2 Gent._ Cheer thyself, man; there ’s hope of her, i’ faith.

_Wit._ Too gladsome to be true.

_Re-enter_ LUCRE.

_Luc._ Nephew, what cheer?
Alas, poor gentleman, how art thou chang’d!
Call thy fresh blood into thy cheeks again:
She comes.

_Wit._ Nothing afflicts me so much, 35
But that it is your adversary, uncle,
And merely plotted in despite of you.

_Luc._ Ay, that ’s it mads me, spites me! I ’ll spend my wealth ere
he shall carry her so, because I know ’t is only to spite me. Ay,
this (40) is it. Here, nephew [_giving a paper_], before these kind
gentlemen, I deliver in your mortgage, my promise to the widow; see,
’t is done. Be wise, you ’re once more master of your own. The widow
shall perceive now you are not (45) altogether such a beggar as the
world reputes you; you can make shift to bring her to three hundred
a-year, sir.

1 _Gent._ By’rlady, and that ’s no toy, sir.

_Luc._ A word, nephew. 50

1 _Gent._ [_to_ Host.] Now you may certify the widow.

_Luc._ You must conceive it aright, nephew, now;
To do you good I am content to do this.

_Wit._ I know it, sir. 55

_Luc._ But your own conscience can tell I had it
Dearly enough of you.

_Wit._ Ay, that ’s most certain.

_Luc._ Much money laid out, beside many a journey
To fetch the rent; I hope you ’ll think on ’t, nephew.

_Wit._ I were worse than a beast else, i’ faith.

_Luc._ Although to blind the widow and the world, 61
I out of policy do ’t, yet there ’s a conscience, nephew.

_Wit._ Heaven forbid else!

_Luc._ When you are full possest,
’T is nothing to return it.

_Wit._ Alas, a thing quickly done, uncle! 65

_Luc._ Well said! you know I give it you but in trust.

_Wit._ Pray, let me understand you rightly, uncle:
You give it me but in trust?

_Luc._ No.

_Wit._ That is, you trust me with it? 70

_Luc._ True, true.

_Wit._ [_Aside._] But if ever I trust you with it again,
Would I might be truss’d up for my labour!

_Luc._ You can all witness, gentlemen; and you, sir yeoman? 75

_Host._ My life for yours, sir, now, I know my mistress’s mind too
well toward your nephew; let things be in preparation; and I ’ll
train her hither in most excellent fashion. _Exit._

_Luc._ A good old boy!—Wife! Jenny! 80

_Enter_ Wife.

_Mis. L._ What ’s the news, sir?

_Luc._ The wedding-day ’s at hand: prithee, sweet wife, express thy
housewifery. Thou ’rt a fine cook, I know ’t; thy first husband
married thee out of an alderman’s kitchen; go (85) to, he rais’d
thee for raising of paste. What! here ’s none but friends; most of
our beginnings must be winkt at.—Gentlemen, I invite you all to my
nephew’s wedding against Thursday morning. 90

1 _Gent._ With all our hearts, and we shall joy to see
Your enemy so mockt.

_Luc._ He laught at me, gentlemen; ha, ha, ha!

_Exeunt_ [_all but_ WITGOOD].

_Wit._ He has no conscience, faith, would laugh at them:
They laugh at one another; 95
Who then can be so cruel? Troth, not I;
I rather pity now, than ought envy.
I do conceive such joy in mine own happiness,
I have no leisure yet to laugh at their follies.
Thou soul of my estate, I kiss thee! 100
[_To the mortgage._]
I miss life’s comfort when I miss thee
O, never will we part again,
Until I leave the site of men!
We ’ll ne’er trust conscience of our kin,
Since cozenage brings that title in. _Exit._ 105

[SCENE III.][3869]

_Enter three_ Creditors.

_1 Cred._ I ’ll wait these seven hours but I ’ll see him caught.

_2 Cred._ Faith, so will I.

_3 Cred._ Hang him, prodigal! He’s stript of the widow. 5

_1 Cred._ A’ my troth, she’s the wiser; she has made the happier
choice: and I wonder of what stuff those widows’ hearts are made of,
that will marry unfledg’d boys before comely thrum-chinn’d[3870]
gentlemen. 10

_Enter_ Boy.

_Boy._ News, news, news!

_1 Cred._ What, boy?

_Boy._ The rioter is caught.

_1 Cred._ So, so, so, so! it warms me at the heart;
I love a’ life to see dogs upon men. 15
O, here he comes.

_Enter_ WITGOOD, _with_ Sergeants.

_Wit._ My last joy was so great, it took away the sense of all future
afflictions. What a day is here o’ercast! How soon a black tempest
rises!

_1 Cred._ O, we may speak with you now, (20) sir! What ’s become of
your rich widow? I think you may cast your cap at the widow, may you
not, sir?

_2 Cred._ He a rich widow? Who, a prodigal, a daily rioter, and
a nightly vomiter? He a (25) widow of account? He a hole i’ th’
Counter.[3871]

_Wit._ You do well, my masters, to tyrannise over misery, to afflict
the afflicted; ’t is a custom you have here amongst you; I would wish
you never leave it, and I hope you ’ll do as I bid you. 31

_1 Cred._ Come, come, sir, what say you extempore now to your bill of
a hundred pound? A sweet debt for froating[3872] your doublets?

_2 Cred._ Here ’s mine of forty. 35

_3 Cred._ Here ’s mine of fifty.

_Wit._ Pray, sirs,—you ’ll give me breath?

_1 Cred._ No, sir, we ’ll keep you out of breath still; then we shall
be sure you will not run away from us. 40

_Wit._ Will you but hear me speak?

_2 Cred._ You shall pardon us for that, sir; we know you have too
fair a tongue of your own; you overcame us too lately, a shame take
you! We are like to lose all that for want of witnesses; (45) we
dealt in policy then: always when we strive to be most politic we
prove most coxcombs: _non plus ultra_ I perceive by us, we ’re not
ordain’d to thrive by wisdom, and therefore we must be content to be
tradesmen. 50

_Wit._ Give me but reasonable time, and I protest I ’ll make you
ample satisfaction.

_1 Cred._ Do you talk of reasonable time to us?

_Wit._ ’T is true, beasts know no reasonable time. 56

_2 Cred._ We must have either money or carcass.

_Wit._ Alas, what good will my carcass do you?

_3 Cred._ O, ’t is a secret delight we have (60) amongst us! We
that are us’d to keep birds in cages, have the heart to keep men in
prison, I warrant you.

_Wit._ [_Aside._] I perceive I must crave a tittle more aid from my
wits: do but make shift for (65) me this once, and I ’ll forswear
ever to trouble you in the like fashion hereafter; I ’ll have better
employment for you, an I live.—You ’ll give me leave, my masters, to
make trial of my friends, and raise all means I can? 70

_1 Cred._ That ’s our desires, sir.

_Enter_ HOST.

_Host._ Master Witgood.

_Wit._ O, art thou come?

_Host._ May I speak one word with you in private, sir? 75

_Wit._ No, by my faith, canst thou; I am in hell here, and the devils
will not let me come to thee.

_1 Cred._ Do you call us devils? You shall find us puritans.—Bear
him away; let (80) ’em talk as they go: we ’ll not stand to hear
’em.—Ah, sir, am I a devil? I shall think the better of myself as
long as I live: a devil, i’faith! _Exeunt._

[SCENE IV.][3873]

_Enter_ HOARD.

_Hoa._ What a sweet blessing hast thou, Master Hoard, above a
multitude! Wilt thou never be thankful? How dost thou think to be
blest another time? Or dost thou count this the full measure of thy
happiness? By my troth, I (5) think thou dost: not only a wife large
in possessions, but spacious in content; she ’s rich, she ’s young,
she ’s fair, she ’s wise. When I wake, I think of her lands—that
revives me; when I go to bed, I dream of her beauty—and that ’s 10
enough for me: she’s worth four hundred a-year in her very smock,
if a man knew how to use it. But the journey will be all, in troth,
into the country; to ride to her lands in state and order following;
my brother, and other worshipful (15) gentlemen, whose companies I
ha’ sent down for already, to ride along with us in their goodly
decorum beards, their broad velvet cassocks, and chains of gold twice
or thrice double; against which time I ’ll entertain some ten 20
men of mine own into liveries, all of occupations or qualities; I
will not keep an idle man about me: the sight of which will so vex
my adversary Lucre—for we ’ll pass by his door a’ purpose, make a
little stand for [the] nonce, and have (25) our horses curvet before
the window—certainly he will never endure it, but run up and hang
himself presently.
[_Enter_ Servant.]
How now, sirrah, what news? Any that offer their service to me yet? 30

_Ser._ Yes, sir, there are some i’ th’ hall that wait for your
worship’s liking, and desire to be entertain’d.

_Hoa._ Are they of occupation?

_Ser._ They are men fit for your worship, sir. 35

_Hoa._ Sayest so? Send ’em all in. [_Exit_ Servant.]—To see ten men
ride after me in watchet[3874] liveries, with orange-tawny capes,—’t
will cut his comb, i’ faith.
_Enter All_ [Tailor, Barber, Perfumer, Falconer, _and_ Huntsman].
How now? Of what occupation are you, sir? 40

_Tai._ A tailor, an ’t please your worship.

_Hoa._ A tailor? O, very good: you shall serve to make all the
liveries.—What are you, sir?

_Bar._ A barber, sir.

_Hoa._ A barber? very needful: you shall shave all the house, and,
if need require, stand for (46) a reaper i’ th’ summer time.—You,
sir?

_Per._ A perfumer.

_Hoa._ I smelt you before. Perfumers, of all men, had need carry
themselves uprightly; (50) for if they were once knaves, they would
be smelt out quickly.—To you, sir?

_Fal._ A falconer, an ’t please your worship.

_Hoa._ Sa ho, sa ho, sa ho![3875]—And you, sir?

_Hunt._ A huntsman, sir. 55

_Hoa._ There, boy, there, boy, there, boy![3876] I am not so old
but I have pleasant days to come. I promise, you, my masters, [I
take such a good liking to you, that I entertain you all;] I put
you already into my countenance, and you (60) shall be shortly in
my livery; but especially you two, my jolly falconer and my bonny
huntsman; we shall have most need of you at my wife’s manor-houses
i’ th’ country; there’s goodly parks and champion[3877] grounds for
you; we (65) shall have all our sports within ourselves; all the
gentlemen a’ th’ country shall be beholding to us and our pastimes.

_Fal._ And we ’ll make your worship admire, sir. 70

_Hoa._ Sayest thou so? Do but make me admire, and thou shall want for
nothing.—My tailor.

_Tai._ Anon, sir.

_Hoa._ Go presently in hand with the liveries. 75

_Tai._ I will, sir.

_Hoa._ My barber.

_Bar._ Here, sir.

_Hoa._ Make ’em all trim fellows, louse ’em well,—especially my
huntsman,—and cut (80) all their beards of the Polonian fashion.—My
perfumer.

_Per._ Under your nose, sir.

_Hoa._ Cast a better savour upon the knaves, to take away the scent
of my tailor’s feet, and my barber’s lotium-water. 86

_Per._ It shall be carefully perform’d, sir.

_Hoa._ But you, my falconer and huntsman, the welcom’st men alive, i’
faith!

_Hunt._ And we ’ll show you that, sir, shall (90) deserve your
worship’s favour.

_Hoa._ I prithee, show me that.—Go, you knaves all, and wash
your lungs i’ th’ buttery, go. [_Exeunt_ Tailor, Barber, &c.]—By
th’ mass, and well rememb’red! I ’ll ask my wife (95) that
question.—Wife, Mistress Jane Hoard!

_Enter_ Courtesan, _alter’d in apparel_.

_Cour._ Sir, would you with me?

_Hoa._ I would but know, sweet wife, which might stand best to thy
liking, to have the wedding dinner kept here or i’ th’ country? 100

_Cour._ Hum:—faith, sir, ’t would like me better here; here you were
married, here let all rites be ended.

_Hoa._ Could a marquesse[3878] give a better answer? Hoard, bear thy
head aloft, thou ’st a wife will advance it. 106
_Enter_ Host _with a letter_.
What haste comes here now? Yea, a letter? Some dreg of my adversary’s
malice. Come hither; what ’s the news? 109

_Host._ A thing that concerns my mistress, sir.
_Giving a letter to_ Courtesan.

_Hoa._ Why then it concerns me, knave.

_Host._ Ay, and you, knave, too (cry your worship mercy). You
are both like to come into trouble, I promise you, sir; a
pre-contract.[3879]

_Hoa._ How? a pre-contract, sayest thou? 115

_Host._ I fear they have too much proof on ’t, sir: old Lucre, he
runs mad up and down, and will to law as fast as he can; young
Witgood laid hold on by his creditors, he exclaims (119) upon you a’
t’ other side, says you have wrought his undoing by the injurious
detaining of his contract.

_Hoa._ Body a’ me!

_Host._ He will have utmost satisfaction: The law shall give him
recompense, he says. 125

_Cour._ [_Aside._] Alas, his creditors so merciless! my state being
yet uncertain, I deem it not unconscionable to further him.

_Host._ True, sir.

_Hoa._ Wife, what says that letter? Let me construe it. 131

_Cour._ Curst be my rash and unadvised words!
[_Tears the letter and stamps on it._]
I ’ll set my foot upon my tongue.
And tread my inconsiderate grant to dust.

_Hoa._ Wife—— 135

_Host._ [_Aside._] A pretty shift, i’ faith! I commend a woman when
she can make away a letter from her husband handsomely, and this was
cleanly done, by my troth.

_Cour._ I did, sir; 140
Some foolish words I must confess did pass,
Which now litigiously he fastens on me.

_Hoa._ Of what force? Let me examine ’em.

_Cour._ Too strong, I fear: would I were well freed of him! 145

_Hoa._ Shall I compound?

_Cour._ No, sir, I ’d have it done some nobler way
Of your side; I ’d have you come off with honour;
Let baseness keep with them. Why, have you not
The means, sir? The occasion’s offer’d you. 150

_Hoa._ Where, how, dear wife?

_Cour._ He is now caught by his creditors; the slave’s needy; his
debts petty; he ’ll rather bind himself to all inconveniences than
rot in prison; by this only means you may get a release from him.
’T is not yet come to his uncle’s (156) hearing; send speedily for
the creditors; by this time he ’s desperate; he ’ll set his hand to
anything: take order for his debts, or discharge ’em quite: a pax on
him, let ’s be rid of a rascal! 161

_Hoa._ Excellent!
Thou dost astonish me,—Go, run, make haste;
Bring both the creditors and Witgood hither.

_Host._ [_Aside._] This will be some revenge yet. [_Exit._]

_Hoa._ In the mean space I ’ll have a release drawn.— 166
Within there!

[_Enter_ Servant.]

[_Ser._] Sir?

_Hoa._ Sirrah, come take direction; go to my scrivener.

_Cour._ [_Aside_, _while_ HOARD _gives directions to the_ Servant.]
I ’m yet like those whose riches lie in dreams, 170
If I be wakt, they ’re false; such is my fate,
Who venture deeper than the desperate state.
Though I have sinn’d, yet could I become new,
For where I once vow, I am ever true.

_Hoa._ Away, despatch, on my displeasure quickly. 175
[_Exit_ Servant.]
Happy occasion! pray Heaven he be in the right vein now to set his
hand to ’t, that nothing alter him; grant that all his follies may
meet in him at once, to besot him enough! I pray for him, i’ faith,
and here he comes. 180

[_Enter_ WITGOOD _and_ Creditors.]

_Wit._ What would you with me now, my uncle’s spiteful adversary?

_Hoa._ Nay, I am friends.

_Wit._ Ay, when your mischief ’s spent.

_Hoa._ I heard you were arrested.

_Wit._ Well, what then?
You will pay none of my debts, I am sure. 185

_Hoa._ A wise man cannot tell;
There may be those conditions ’greed upon
May move me to do much.

_Wit._ Ay, when?—
’T is thou, perjured woman! (O, no name
Is vile enough to match thy treachery!) 190
That art the cause of my confusion.

_Cour._ Out, you penurious slave!

_Hoa._ Nay, wife, you are too froward;
Let him alone; give losers leave to talk.

_Wit._ Shall I remember thee of another promise
Far stronger than the first?

_Cour._ I ’d fain know that. 195

_Wit._ ’T would call shame to thy cheeks.

_Cour._ Shame!

_Wit._ Hark in your ear.—[_They converse apart._]
Will he come off, think’st thou, and pay my debts roundly?

_Cour._ Doubt nothing; there’s a release a-drawing and all, to which
you must set your hand. 201

_Wit._ Excellent!

_Cour._ But methinks, i’ faith, you might have made some shift to
discharge this yourself, having in the mortgage, and never have
burd’ned my conscience with it. 206

_Wit._ A’ my troth, I could not, for my creditors’ cruelties extend
to the present.

_Cour._ No more.—
Why, do your worst for that, I defy you. 210

_Wit._ You ’re impudent: I ’ll call up witnesses.

_Cour._ Call up thy wits, for thou hast been devoted
To follies a long time.

_Hoa._ Wife, you ’re too bitter.—
Master Witgood, and you, my masters, you shall hear a mild speech
come from me now, and (215) this it is: ’t has been my fortune,
gentlemen, to have an extraordinary blessing poured upon me a’ late,
and here she stands; I have wedded her, and bedded her, and yet she
is little the worse. Some foolish words she hath past to you in the
country, and some peevish[3880] debts you (221) owe here in the city;
set the hare’s head to the goose-giblet,[3881] release you her of her
words, and I ’ll release you of your debts, sir.

_Wit._ Would you so? I thank you for that, sir: I cannot blame you,
i’ faith. 226

_Hoa._ Why, are not debts better than words, sir?

_Wit._ Are not words promises, and are not promises debts, sir? 230

_Hoa._ [_Aside._] He plays at back-racket[3882] with me.

_1 Cred._ Come hither, Master Witgood, come hither; be rul’d by fools
once.

_2 Cred._ We are citizens, and know what belongs to ’t. 236

_1 Cred._ Take hold of his offer: pax on her, let her go. If your
debts were once discharg’d, I would help you to a widow myself worth
ten of her. 240

_3 Cred._ Mass, partner, and now you remember me on ’t, there ’s
Master Mulligrub’s sister newly fallen a widow.

_1 Cred._ Cuds me, as pat as can be! There ’s a widow left for you;
ten thousand in money, beside plate, jewels, _et cetera_: I warrant
it a (246) match; we can do all in all with her. Prithee, despatch;
we ’ll carry thee to her presently.

_Wit._ My uncle will ne’er endure me when he shall hear I set my hand
to a release. 250

_2 Cred._ Hark, I ’ll tell thee a trick for that. I have spent five
hundred pound in suits in my time, I should be wise. Thou ’rt now a
prisoner; make a release; take ’t of my word, whatsoever a man makes
as long as he is in (255) durance, ’t is nothing in law, not thus
much. [_Snaps his fingers._]

_Wit._ Say you so, sir?

_3 Cred._ I have paid for ’t; I know ’t.

_Wit._ Proceed then; I consent.

_3 Cred._ Why, well said. 260

_Hoa._ How now, my masters, what have you done with him?

_1 Cred._ With much ado, sir, we have got him to consent.

_Hoa._ Ah—a—a! and what come his debts to now? 266

_1 Cred._ Some eight score odd pounds, sir.

_Hoa._ Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw! tell me the second time; give me a
lighter sum. They are but desperate debts, you know; ne’er call’d 270
in but upon such an accident; a poor, needy knave, he would starve
and rot in prison. Come, come, you shall have ten shillings in the
pound, and the sum down roundly.

_1 Cred._ You must make it a mark, sir. 275

_Hoa._ Go to then, tell your money in the meantime; you shall find
little less there. [_Giving them money._]—Come, Master Witgood, you
are so unwilling to do yourself good now!
[_Enter_ Scrivener.]
Welcome, honest scrivener.—Now you shall hear the release read. 281

_Scri._ [_reads._] Be it known to all men, by these presents, that I,
Theodorus Witgood, gentleman, sole nephew to Pecunius Lucre, having
unjustly made title and claim to one (285) Jane Medler, late widow
of Anthony Medler, and now wife to Walkadine Hoard, in consideration
of a competent sum of money to discharge my debts, do for ever
hereafter disclaim any title, right, estate, or interest in or to
(290) the said widow, late in the occupation of the said Anthony
Medler, and now in the occupation of Walkadine Hoard; as also neither
to lay claim by virtue of any former contract, grant, promise, or
demise, to any of her (295) manors, manor-houses, parks, groves,
meadowgrounds, arable lands, barns, stacks, stables, dove-holes,
and coney-burrows; together with all her cattle, money, plate,
jewels, borders, chains, bracelets, furnitures, hangings, 300
moveables or immoveables. In witness whereof, I the said Theodorus
Witgood, have interchangeably set to my hand and seal before these
presents, the day and date above written.

_Wit._ What a precious fortune hast thou slipt here, like a beast as
thou art! 306

_Hoa._ Come, unwilling heart, come.

_Wit._ Well, Master Hoard, give me the pen; I see
’T is vain to quarrel with our destiny. [_Signs the paper._]

_Hoa._ O, as vain a thing as can be! you (310) cannot commit a
greater absurdity, sir. So, so; give me that hand now; before all
these presents, I am friends for ever with thee.

_Wit._ Troth, and it were pity of my heart now, if I should bear you
any grudge, i’ faith. 315

_Hoa._ Content: I ’ll send for thy uncle against the wedding dinner;
we will be friends once again.

_Wit._ I hope to bring it to pass myself, sir.

_Hoa._ How now? Is ’t right, my masters? 320

_1 Cred._ ’T is something wanting, sir; yet it shall be sufficient.

_Hoa._ Why, well said; a good conscience makes a fine show
now-a-days. Come, my masters, you shall all taste of my wine ere you
depart. 326

_All._ We follow you, sir. [_Exeunt_ HOARD _and_ Scrivener.]

_Wit._ [_Aside._] I ’ll try these fellows now.—A word, sir: what,
will you carry me to that widow now? 330

_1 Cred._ Why, do you think we were in earnest, i’ faith? Carry you
to a rich widow? We should get much credit by that: a noted rioter!
a contemptible prodigal! ’T was a trick we have amongst us to get in
our money: fare you well, sir. _Exeunt_ [Creditors]. 336

_Wit._ Farewell, and be hang’d, you short pig-hair’d, ram-headed
rascals! He that believes in you shall ne’er be sav’d, I warrant him.
By this new league I shall have some access unto my love. 341

[JOYCE _appears above._]

_Joyce._ Master Witgood!

_Wit._ My life!

_Joyce._ Meet me presently; that note directs you [_throws him a
letter_]: I would not be suspected. (345) Our happiness attends us:
farewell.

_Wit._ A word ’s enough. _Exeunt_ [_severally_].

[SCENE V.][3883]

DAMPIT _the usurer in his bed_; AUDREY _spinning by_; [Boy.]

[_Aud. singing._]

Let the usurer cram him, in interest that excel,
There ’s pits enow to damn him, before he comes to hell;
In Holborn some, in Fleet Street some,
Where’er he come there ’s some, there ’s some.

_Dam. Trahe, trahito_, draw the curtain; give me a sip of sack more. 6

[_While he drinks_,] _enter_ Gentlemen, [LAMPREY _and_ SPICHCOCK.]

_Lam._ Look you; did not I tell you he lay like the devil in chains,
when he was bound for a thousand year?

_Spi._ But I think the devil had no steel (10) bedstaffs; he goes
beyond him for that.

_Lam._ Nay, do but mark the conceit of his drinking; one must wipe
his mouth for him with a muckinder,[3884] do you see, sir?

_Spi._ Is this the sick trampler? Why, he (15) is only bed-rid with
drinking.

_Lam._ True, sir. He spies us.

_Dam._ What, Sir Tristram? You come and see a weak man here, a very
weak man.

_Lam._ If you be weak in body, you should (20) be strong in prayer,
sir.

_Dam._ O, I have prayed too much, poor man!

_Lam._ There ’s a taste of his soul for you!

_Spi._ Faugh, loathsome!

_Lam._ I come to borrow a hundred pound (25) of you, sir.

_Dam._ Alas, you come at an ill time! I cannot spare it i’ faith; I
ha’ but two thousand i’ th’ house.

_Aud._ Ha, ha, ha! 30

_Dam._ Out, you gernative[3885] quean, the mullipood[3885] of
villany, the spinner of concupiscency!

_Enter_ [SIR LAUNCELOT _and_] _other_ Gentlemen.

_Sir L._ Yea, gentlemen, are you here before us? How is he now?

_Lam._ Faith, the same man still: the tavern (35) bitch has bit him
i’ the head[3886].

_Sir L._ We shall have the better sport with him: peace.—And how
cheers Master Dampit now?

_Dam._ O, my bosom. Sir Launcelot, how cheer I! Thy presence is
restorative. 41

_Sir L._ But I hear a great complaint of you, Master Dampit, among
gallants.

_Dam._ I am glad of that, i’ faith: prithee, what? 45

_Sir L._ They say you are wax’d proud a’ late, and if a friend visit
you in the afternoon, you ’ll scarce know him.

_Dam._ Fie, fie; proud? I cannot remember any such thing: sure I was
drunk then. 50

_Sir L._ Think you so, sir?

_Dam._ There ’t was, i’ faith; nothing but the pride of the sack; and
so certify ’em.—Fetch sack, sirrah.

_Boy._ A vengeance sack you once! 55
[_Exit, and returns presently with sack._]

_Aud._ Why, Master Dampit, if you hold on as you begin, and lie a
little longer, you need not take care how to dispose your wealth;
you ’ll make the vintner your heir. 59

_Dam._ Out, you babliaminy, you unfeathered, cremitoried quean, you
cullisance of scabiosity!

_Aud._ Good words, Master Dampit, to speak before a maid and a virgin!

_Dam._ Hang thy virginity upon the pole of carnality! 65

_Aud._ Sweet terms! My mistress shall know ’em.

_Lam._ Note but the misery of this usuring slave: here he lies, like
a noisome dunghill, full of the poison of his drunken blasphemies;
(70) and they to whom he bequeaths all, grudge him the very meat that
feeds him, the very pillow that eases him. Here may a usurer behold
his end. What profits it to be a slave in this world, and a devil i’
th’ next? 75

_Dam._ Sir Launcelot, let me buss[3887] thee, Sir Launcelot; thou art
the only friend that I honour and respect.

_Sir L._ I thank you for that, Master Dampit.

_Dam._ Farewell, my bosom Sir Launcelot. 80

_Sir L._ Gentlemen, an you love me, let me step behind you, and one
of you fall a-talking of me to him.

_Lam._ Content.—Master Dampit——

_Dam._ So, sir. 85

_Lam._ Here came Sir Launcelot to see you e’en now.

_Dam._ Hang him, rascal!

_Lam._ Who? Sir Launcelot?

_Dam._ Pythagorical rascal! 90

_Lam._ Pythagorical?

_Dam._ Ay, he changes his cloak when he meets a sergeant.

_Sir L._ What a rogue ’s this!

_Lam._ I wonder you can rail at him, sir; (95) he comes in love to
see you.

_Dam._ A louse for his love! his father was a comb-maker; I have no
need of his crawling love. He comes to have longer day,[3888] the
superlative rascal! 100

_Sir L._ ’Sfoot, I can no longer endure the rogue!—Master Dampit, I
come to take my leave once again, sir.

_Dam._ Who? my dear and kind Sir Launcelot, the only gentleman of
England? Let me hug thee; farewell, and a thousand. 106

_Lam._ Compos’d of wrongs and slavish flatteries!

_Sir L._ Nay, gentlemen, he shall show you more tricks yet; I ’ll
give you another taste (110) of him.

_Lam._ Is ’t possible?

_Sir L._ His memory is upon departing.

_Dam._ Another cup of sack! 114

_Sir L._ Mass, then ’t will be quite gone! Before he drink that,
tell him there ’s a country client come up, and here attends for his
learned advice.

_Lam._ Enough.

_Dam._ One cup more, and then let the bell (120) toll: I hope I shall
be weak enough by that time.

_Lam._ Master Dampit——

_Dam._ Is the sack spouting?

_Lam._ ’T is coming forward, sir. Here ’s (125) a countryman, a
client of yours, waits for your deep and profound advice, sir.

_Dam._ A coxcombry, where is he? Let him approach: set me up a peg
higher.

_Lam._ [_to_ SIR LAUN.] You must draw near, sir. 131

_Dam._ Now, good man fooliaminy, what say you to me now?

_Sir L._ Please your good worship, I am a poor man, sir—— 135

_Dam._ What make you in my chamber then?

_Sir L._ I would entreat your worship’s device[3889] in a just and
honest cause, sir.

_Dam._ I meddle with no such matters; I refer ’em to Master No-man’s
office. 140

_Sir L._ I had but one house left me in all the world, sir, which
was my father’s, my grandfather’s, my great-grandfather’s, and now a
villain has unjustly wrung me out, and took possession on ’t. 145

_Dam._ Has he such feats? Thy best course is to bring thy _ejectione
firmae_, and in seven year thou mayst shove him out by the law.

_Sir L._ Alas, an ’t please your worship, I have small friends and
less money! 150

_Dam._ Hoyday! this gear will fadge well.[3890] Hast no money? Why,
then, my advice is, thou must set fire a’ th’ house, and so get him
out.

_Lam._ That will break strife, indeed. 155

_Sir L._ I thank your worship for your hot counsel, sir.—Altering
but my voice a little, you see he knew me not: you may observe by
this, that a drunkard’s memory holds longer in the voice than in the
person. But, gentlemen, (160) shall I show you a sight? Behold the
little dive-dapper[3891] of damnation, Gulf the usurer, for his time
worse than t’other.

_Enter_ HOARD _with_ GULF.

_Lam._ What ’s he comes with him?

_Sir L._ Why, Hoard, that married lately (165) the Widow Medler.

_Lam._ O, I cry you mercy, sir.

_Hoa._ Now, gentlemen visitants, how does Master Dampit? 169

_Sir L._ Faith, here he lies, e’en drawing in, sir, good canary as
fast as he can, sir; a very weak creature, truly, he is almost past
memory.

_Hoa._ Fie, Master Dampit! you lie lazing a-bed here, and I come to
invite you to my (175) wedding-dinner: up, up, up!

_Dam._ Who ’s this? Master Hoard? Who hast thou married, in the name
of foolery?

_Hoa._ A rich widow.

_Dam._ A Dutch widow?[3892] 180

_Hoa._ A rich widow; one Widow Medler.

_Dam._ Medler? She keeps open house.

_Hoa._ She did, I can tell you, in her t’other husband’s days; open
house for all comers; horse and man was welcome, and room enough
for ’em all. 186

_Dam._ There ’s too much for thee, then; thou mayst let out some to
thy neighbours.

_Gulf._ What, hung alive in chains? O spectacle! bed-staffs of
steel? _O monstrum horrendum, (190) informe, ingens, cui lumen
ademptum!_[3893] O Dampit, Dampit, here ’s a just judgment shown upon
usury, extortion, and trampling villany!

_Sir L._ This is excellent, thief rails upon (195) the thief!

_Gulf._ Is this the end of cut-throat usury, brothel, and blasphemy?
Now mayst thou see what race a usurer runs.

_Dam._ Why, thou rogue of universality, (200) do not I know thee? Thy
sound is like the cuckoo, the Welsh ambassador;[3894] thou cowardly
slave, that offers to fight with a sick man when his weapon ’s down!
Rail upon me in my naked[3895] bed? Why, thou great Lucifer’s 205
little vicar! I am not so weak but I know a knave at first sight.
Thou inconscionable rascal! thou that goest upon Middlesex juries,
and wilt make haste to give up thy verdict because thou wilt not lose
thy dinner! Are (210) you answered?

_Gulf._ An ’t were not for shame—— _Draws his dagger._

_Dam._ Thou wouldst be hang’d then.

_Lam._ Nay, you must exercise patience, Master Gulf, always in a sick
man’s chamber. 215

_Sir L._ He ’ll quarrel with none, I warrant you, but those that are
bed-rid.

_Dam._ Let him come, gentlemen, I am arm’d: reach my close-stool
hither.

_Sir L._ Here will be a sweet fray anon: (220) I’ll leave you,
gentlemen.

_Lam._ Nay, we ’ll go along with you.—Master Gulf——

_Gulf._ Hang him, usuring rascal!

_Sir L._ Pish, set your strength to his, your (225) wit to his!

_Aud._ Pray, gentlemen, depart; his hour ’s come upon him.—Sleep in
my bosom, sleep.

_Sir L._ Nay, we have enough of him, i’ faith; keep him for the
house. 230
Now make your best:
For thrice his wealth I would not have his breast.

_Gulf._ A little thing would make me beat him now he ’s asleep.

_Sir L._ Mass, then ’t will be a pitiful day (235) when he wakes: I
would be loath to see that day: come.

_Gulf._ You overrule me, gentlemen, i’ faith. _Exeunt._