Chapter CXIV: Act II: Scene I.3820

_Enter_ LUCRE.

_Luc._ My adversary evermore twits me with my nephew, forsooth, my
nephew: why may not a virtuous uncle have a dissolute nephew? What
though he be a brotheller, a wastethrift, a common surfeiter, and, to
conclude, a beggar, (5) must sin in him call up shame in me? Since
we have no part in their follies, why should we have part in their
infamies? For my strict hand toward his mortgage, that I deny not: I
confess I had an uncle’s pen’worth; (10) let me see, half in half,
true. I saw neither hope of his reclaiming, nor comfort in his being;
and was it not then better bestow’d upon his uncle than upon one of
his aunts?—I need not say bawd, for every one knows what “aunt”
stands for in the last translation. 16
[_Enter_ Servant.]
Now, Sir?

_Ser._ There ’s a country serving-man, sir, attends to speak with
your worship.

_Luc._ I ’m at best leisure now; send him in (20) to me. [_Exit_
Servant.]

_Enter_ Host _like a serving-man._

_Host._ Bless your venerable worship.

_Luc._ Welcome, good fellow.

_Host._ [_Aside._] He calls me thief[3821] at first sight, yet he
little thinks I am an host.

_Luc._ What ’s thy business with me? 26

_Host._ Faith, sir, I am sent from my mistress, to any sufficient
gentleman indeed, to ask advice upon a doubtful point: ’t is
indifferent, sir, to whom I come, for I know none, nor (30) did
my mistress direct me to any particular man, for she ’s as mere a
stranger here as myself; only I found your worship within, and ’t is
a thing I ever lov’d, sir, to be despatcht as soon as I can. 35

_Luc._ [_Aside._] A good, blunt honesty; I like him well.—What is
thy mistress?

_Host._ Faith, a country gentlewoman, and a widow, sir. Yesterday was
the first flight of us; but now she intends to stay till a little 40
term business be ended.

_Luc._ Her name, I prithee?

_Host._ It runs there in the writings, sir, among her lands; Widow
Medler.

_Luc._ Medler? Mass, have I[3822] ne’er heard (45) of that widow?

_Host._ Yes, I warrant you, have you, sir; not the rich widow in
Staffordshire?

_Luc._ Cuds[3823] me, there ’t is indeed; thou hast put me into
memory. There ’s a widow indeed; (50) ah, that I were a bachelor
again!

_Host._ No doubt your worship might do much then; but she ’s fairly
promist to a bachelor already.

_Luc._ Ah, what is he, I prithee? 55

_Host._ A country gentleman too; one of whom your worship knows not,
I ’m sure; h’as spent some few follies in his youth, but marriage, by
my faith, begins to call him home. My mistress loves him, sir, and
love covers faults, you (60) know, one Master Witgood, if ever you
have heard of the gentleman.

_Luc._ Ha! Witgood, sayst thou?

_Host._ That ’s his name indeed, sir; my mistress is like to bring
him to a goodly seat (65) yonder; four hundred a-year, by my faith.

_Luc._ But, I pray, take me with you.[3824]

_Host._ Ay, sir.

_Luc._ What countryman might this young Witgood be? 70

_Host._ A Leicestershire gentleman, sir.

_Luc._ [_Aside._] My nephew, by th’ mass, my nephew! I ’ll fetch out
more of this, i’ faith: a simple country fellow, I ’ll work ’t out of
him.—And is that gentleman, sayst thou, presently to marry her? 76

_Host._ Faith, he brought her up to town, sir; h’as the best card
in all the bunch for ’t, her heart; and I know my mistress will be
married ere she go down;[3825] nay, I ’ll swar that, for (80) she ’s
none of those widows that will go down first, and be married after;
she hates that, I can tell you, sir.

_Luc._ By my faith, sir, she is like to have a proper gentleman, and
a comely; I ’ll give (85) her that gift.

_Host._ Why, does your worship know him, sir?

_Luc._ I know him? Does not all the world know him? Can a man of such
exquisite (90) qualities be hid under a bushel?

_Host._ Then your worship may save me a labour, for I had charge
given me to inquire after him.

_Luc._ Inquire of him? If I might counsel (95) thee, thou shouldst
ne’er trouble thyself further; inquire of him no more, but of me;
I ’ll fit thee. I grant he has been youthful; but is he not now
reclaim’d? Mark you that, sir: has not your mistress, think you,
been wanton (100) in her youth? If men be wags, are there not women
wagtails?

_Host._ No doubt, sir.

_Luc._ Does not he return wisest that comes home whipt with his own
follies? 105

_Host._ Why, very true, sir.

_Luc._ The worst report you can hear of him, I can tell you, is that
he has been a kind gentleman, a liberal, and a worthy; who but lusty
Witgood, thrice-noble Witgood! 110

_Host._ Since your worship has so much knowledge in him, can you
resolve me, sir, what his living might be? My duty binds me, sir, to
have a care of my mistress’ estate; she has been ever a good mistress
to me, though I (115) say it. Many wealthy suitors has she nonsuited
for his sake; yet, though her love be so fixt, a man cannot tell
whether his non-performance may help to remove it, sir, he makes us
believe he has lands and living. 120

_Luc._ Who, young Master Witgood? Why, believe it, he has as goodly a
fine living out yonder,—what do you call the place?

_Host._ Nay, I know not, i’ faith.

_Luc._ Hum—see, like a beast, if I have (125) not forgot the
name—pooh! and out yonder again, goodly grown woods and fair
meadows: pax[3826] on ’t, I can ne’er hit of that place neither.—He?
Why, he ’s Witgood of Witgood Hall; he an unknown thing! 130

_Host._ Is he so, sir? To see how rumour will alter! Trust me, sir,
we heard once he had no lands, but all lay mortgag’d to an uncle he
has in town here.

_Luc._ Push! ’t is a tale, ’t is a tale. 135

_Host._ I can assure you, sir, ’t was credibly reported
to my mistress.

_Luc._ Why, do you think, i’ faith, he was ever so simple to mortgage
his lands to his uncle, or his uncle so unnatural to take the
extremity of such a mortgage? 141

_Host._ That was my saying still, sir.

_Luc._ Pooh, ne’er think it.

_Host._ Yet that report goes current.

_Luc._ Nay, then you urge me: (145) Cannot I tell that best that am
his uncle?

_Host._ How, sir? what have I done!

_Luc._ Why, how now! In a swoon, man?

_Host._ Is your worship his uncle, sir?

_Luc._ Can that be any harm to you, sir? 150

_Host._ I do beseech you, sir, do me the favour to conceal it. What a
beast was I to utter so much! Pray, sir, do me the kindness to keep
it in; I shall have my coat pull’d o’er my ears, an ’t should be
known; for the truth is, an ’t (155) please your worship, to prevent
much rumour and many suitors, they intend to be married very suddenly
and privately.

_Luc._ And dost thou think it stands with my judgment to do them
injury? Must I needs (160) say the knowledge of this marriage comes
from thee? Am I a fool at fifty-four? Do I lack subtlety now, that
have got all my wealth by it? There ’s a leash of angels[3827] for
thee: come, let me woo thee speak where lie[3828] they? 165

_Host._ So I might have no anger, sir——

_Luc._ Passion of me, not a jot: prithee, come.

_Host._ I would not have it known, sir, it came by my means.

_Luc._ Why, am I a man of wisdom? 170

_Host._ I dare trust your worship, sir; but I ’m a stranger to your
house; and to avoid all intelligencers, I desire your worship’s ear.

_Luc._ [_Aside._] This fellow ’s worth a matter of trust.—Come, sir.
[Host _whispers to him._] Why, now, thou ’rt an honest lad.—Ah, 176
sirrah, nephew!

_Host._ Please you, sir, now I have begun with your worship, when
shall I attend for your advice upon that doubtful point? I must come
warily now. 181

_Luc._ Tut, fear thou nothing; To-morrow’s evening shall resolve the
doubt.

_Host._ The time shall cause my attendance. _Exit._

_Luc._ Fare thee well.—There ’s more true (185) honesty in such a
country serving-man than in a hundred of our cloak companions:[3829]
I may well call ’em companions,[3829] for since blue[3830] coats
have been turn’d into cloaks, we can scarce know the man from the
master.—George! 190

[_Enter_ GEORGE.]

_Geo._ Anon, sir.

_Luc._ List hither: [_whispers_] keep the place secret: commend me to
my nephew; I know no cause, tell him, but he might see his uncle.

_Geo._ I will, sir. 195

_Luc._ And, do you hear, sir? Take heed to use him with respect and
duty.

_Geo._ [_Aside._] Here’s a strange alteration; one day he must be
turn’d out like a beggar, and now he must be call’d in like a
knight. 200
_Exit._

_Luc._ Ah, sirrah, that rich widow!—four hundred a-year! beside,
I hear she lays claim to a title of a hundred more. This falls
unhappily that he should bear a grudge to me now, being likely to
prove so rich. What (205) is ’t, trow, that he makes me a stranger
for? Hum,—I hope he has not so much wit to apprehend that I cozened
him: he deceives me then. Good Heaven, who would have thought
it would ever have come to this pass! yet (210) he ’s a proper
gentleman, i’ faith, give him his due,—marry, that ’s his mortgage;
but that I ne’er mean to give him. I ’ll make him rich enough in
words, if that be good: and if it come to a piece of money, I will
not greatly stick (215) for ’t; there may be hope some of the widow’s
lands, too, may one day fall upon me, if things be carried wisely.
[_Re-enter_ GEORGE.]
Now, sir, where is he?

_Geo._ He desires your worship to hold him (220) excus’d; he has such
weighty business, it commands him wholly from all men.

_Luc._ Were those my nephew’s words?

_Geo._ Yes, indeed, sir.

_Luc._ [_Aside._] When men grow rich, they (225) grow proud too, I
perceive that. He would not have sent me such an answer once within
this twelvemonth: see what ’t is when a man comes to his lands!
Return to him again, sir; tell him his uncle desires his company for
an hour; (230) I ’ll trouble him but an hour, say; ’t is for his
own good, tell him: and, do you hear, sir? put “worship” upon him.
Go to do as I bid you; he ’s like to be a gentleman of worship very
shortly. 235

_Geo._ [_Aside._] This is good sport, i’ faith. _Exit._

_Luc._ Troth, he uses his uncle discourteously now. Can he tell
what I may do for him? Goodness may come from me in a minute, that
comes not in seven year again. He knows my humour; (240) I am not so
usually good; ’t is no small thing that draws kindness from me, he
may know that an he will. The chief cause that invites me to do him
most good is the sudden astonishing of old Hoard, my adversary. How
(245) pale his malice will look at my nephew’s advancement! With what
a dejected spirit he will behold his fortunes, whom but last day he
proclaim’d rioter, penurious makeshift, despised brothel-master! Ha,
ha! ’t will do me (250) more secret joy than my last purchase, more
precious comfort than all these widow’s revenues.
[_Re_-]_enter_ [GEORGE, _showing in_] WITGOOD.
Now, sir?

_Geo._ With much entreaty he ’s at length (255) come, sir. [_Exit._]

_Luc._ O, nephew, let me salute you, sir! Your ’re welcome, nephew.

_Wit._ Uncle, I thank you.

_Luc._ You ’ve a fault, nephew; you ’re a (260) stranger here. Well,
Heaven give you joy!

_Wit._ Of what, sir?

_Luc._ Hah, we can hear!
You might have known your uncle’s house, i’ faith,
You and your widow: go to, you were to blame;
If I may tell you so without offence. 266

_Wit._ How could you hear of that, sir?

_Luc._ O, pardon me!
’T was your will to have kept it from me, I perceive now.

_Wit._ Not for any defect of love, I protest, uncle. 271

_Luc._ Oh, ’t was unkindness, nephew! fie, fie, fie.

_Wit._ I am sorry you take it in that sense, sir.

_Luc._ Pooh, you cannot colour it, i’ faith, (275) nephew.

_Wit._ Will you but hear what I can say in my just excuse, sir.

_Luc._ Yes, faith, will I, and welcome. 279

_Wit._ You that know my danger i’ th’ city, sir, so well, how great
my debts are, and how extreme my creditors, could not out of your
pure judgment, sir, have wisht us hither.

_Luc._ Mass, a firm reason indeed.

_Wit._ Else, my uncle ’s house! why, ’t had (285) been the only
make-match.

_Luc._ Nay, and thy credit.

_Wit._ My credit? Nay, my countenance. Pish, nay, I know, uncle, you
would have wrought it so by your wit, you would have made her believe
in time the whole house had been mine. 291

_Luc._ Ay, and most of the goods too.

_Wit._ La, you there! Well, let ’em all prate what they will, there
’s nothing like the bringing of a widow to one’s uncle’s house. 295

_Luc._ Nay, let nephews be rul’d as they list, they shall find their
uncle’s house the most natural place when all ’s done.

_Wit._ There they may be bold.

_Luc._ Life, they may do anything there, (300) man, and fear neither
beadle nor summoner. An uncle’s house! a very Cole-Harbour.[3831]
Sirrah, I ’ll touch thee near now: hast thou so much interest in thy
widow, that by a token thou couldst presently send for her? 305

_Wit._ Troth, I think I can, uncle.

_Luc._ Go to, let me see that.

_Wit._ Pray, command one of your men hither, uncle.

_Luc._ George! 310

[_Re-enter_ GEORGE.]

_Geo._ Here, sir.

_Luc._ Attend my nephew. [WITGOOD _whispers to_ GEORGE, _who then
goes out_.]—[_Aside._] I love a’ life[3832] to prattle with a rich
widow; ’t is pretty, methinks, when our tongues go together: 315
and then to promise much and perform little. I love that sport a’
life, i’ faith; yet I am in the mood now to do my nephew some good,
if he take me handsomely. What, have you despatcht? 320

_Wit._ I ha’ sent, sir.

_Luc._ Yet I must condemn you of unkindness, nephew.

_Wit._ Heaven forbid, uncle!

_Luc._ Yes, faith, must I. Say your debts be (325) many, your
creditors importunate, yet the kindness of a thing is all, nephew:
you might have sent me close[3833] word on ’t, without the least
danger or prejudice to your fortunes. 329

_Wit._ Troth, I confess it, uncle; I was to blame there; but, indeed,
my intent was to have clapt it up suddenly, and so have broke forth
like a joy to my friends, and a wonder to the world. Beside, there
’s a trifle of a forty pound matter toward the setting of me forth;
(335) my friends should ne’er have known on ’t; I meant to make shift
for that myself.

_Luc._ How, nephew? let me not hear such a word again, I beseech you.
Shall I be beholding to you? 340

_Wit._ To me? Alas, what do you mean, uncle?

_Luc._ I charge you, upon my love, you trouble nobody but myself.

_Wit._ You ’ve no reason for that, uncle.

_Luc._ Troth, I ’ll ne’er be friends with you while you live, an you
do. 346

_Wit._ Nay, an you say so, uncle, here ’s my hand; I will not do ’t.

_Luc._ Why, well said I there’s some hope in thee when thou wilt be
rul’d. I’ll make it (350) up fifty, faith, because I see thee so
reclaim’d. Peace; here comes my wife with Sam, her t’ other husband’s
son.

[_Enter_ MISTRESS LUCRE _and_ FREEDOM.]

_Wit._ Good aunt. 354

_Free._ Cousin Witgood, I rejoice in my salute; you ’re most welcome
to this noble city, govern’d with the sword in the scabbard.

_Wit._ [_Aside._] And the wit in the pommel.— Good Master Sam
Freedom, I return the salute.

_Luc._ By the mass, she ’s coming, wife; let (360) me see now how
thou wilt entertain her.

_Mis. L._ I hope I am not to learn, sir, to entertain a widow; ’t is
not so long since I was one myself.

[_Enter_ Courtesan.]

_Wit._ Uncle—— 365

_Luc._ She’s come indeed.

_Wit._ My uncle was desirous to see you, widow, and I presumed to
invite you.

_Cour._ The presumption was nothing, Master Witgood. Is this your
uncle, sir? 370

_Luc._ Marry am I, sweet widow; and his good uncle he shall find me;
ay, by this smack that I give thee, thou ’rt welcome.—Wife, bid the
widow welcome the same way again. 374

_Free._ [_Aside._] I am a gentleman now too by my father’s
occupation, and I see no reason but I may kiss a widow by my father’s
copy:[3834]—truly, I think the charter is not against it; surely
these are the words, “The son once a gentleman may revel it, though
his father were a dauber;” (380) ’t is about the fifteenth page: I
’ll to her. [_Offers to kiss the_ Courtesan, _who repulses him_.]

_Luc._ You ’re not very busy now; a word with thee, sweet widow. 385

_Free._ Coads-nigs![3835] I was never so disgrac’d since the hour my
mother whipt me.

_Luc._ Beside, I have no child of mine own to care for; she ’s my
second wife, old, past bearing; clap sure to him, widow; he ’s like
to be my heir, I can tell you. 391

_Cour._ Is he so, sir?

_Luc._ He knows it already, and the knave ’s proud on ’t; jolly rich
widows have been offer’d him here i’ th’ city, great merchants’
wives; and do you think he will once look upon (396) ’em? Forsooth,
he ’ll none. You are beholding to him i’ th’ country, then, ere we
could be: nay, I ’ll hold a wager, widow, if he were once known to
be in town, he would be presently (400) sought after; nay, and happy
were they that could catch him first.

_Cour._ I think so.

_Luc._ O, there would be such running to and fro, widow! He should
not pass the streets for ’em: he ’d be took up in one great house
or (406) other presently: faugh! they know he has it, and must have
it. You see this house here, widow; this house and all comes to him;
goodly rooms, ready furnisht, ceil’d with plaster (410) of Paris, and
all hung about with cloth of arras.—Nephew.

_Wit._ Sir.

_Luc._ Show the widow your house; carry her into all the rooms, and
bid her welcome.—You (415) shall see, widow.—[_Aside to_ WITGOOD.]
Nephew, strike all sure above an thou beest a good boy,—ah!

_Wit._ Alas, sir, I know not how she would take it! 420

_Luc._ The right way, I warrant t’ ee. A pox, art an ass? Would
I were in thy stead! get you up, I am asham’d of you. [_Exeunt_
WITGOOD _and_ Courtesan.] So! let ’em agree as they will now: many
a match has been struck up in my house a’ this fashion’: let
’em try all manner (426) of ways, still there ’s nothing like
an uncle’s house to strike the stroke in. I ’ll hold my wife in
talk a little.—Now Jenny, your son there goes a-wooing to a poor
gentlewoman but of (430) a thousand pound portion: see my nephew, a
lad of less hope, strikes at four hundred a-year in good rubbish.

_Mis. L._ Well, we must do as we may, sir.

_Luc._ I ’ll have his money ready told for him again[3836] he come
down. Let me see, too;—by (436) th’ mass, I must present the widow
with some jewel, a good piece a’ plate, or such a device; ’t will
hearten her on well. I have a very fair standing cup; and a good high
standing cup (440) will please a widow above all other pieces. _Exit._

_Mis. L._ Do you mock us with your nephew?—I have a plot in my head,
son;—i’ faith, husband, to cross you.

_Free._ Is it a tragedy plot, or a comedy plot, good mother? 446

_Mis. L._ ’T is a plot shall vex him. I charge you, of my blessing,
son Sam, that you presently withdraw the action of your love from
Master Hoard’s niece. 450

_Free._ How, mother?

_Mis L._ Nay, I have a plot in my head, i’ faith. Here, take this
chain of gold, and this fair diamond: dog me the widow home to her
lodging, and at thy best opportunity, fasten ’em (455) both upon her.
Nay, I have a reach:[3837] I can tell you thou art known what thou
art, son, among the right worshipful, all the twelve companies.

_Free._ Truly, I thank ’em for it. 460

_Mis L._ He? he ’s a scab to thee: and so certify her thou hast two
hundred a-year of thyself, besides thy good parts—a proper person
and a lovely. If I were a widow, I could find in my heart to have
thee myself, son; ay, (465) from ’em all.

_Free._ Thank you for your good will, mother: but, indeed, I had
rather have a stranger: and if I woo her not in that violent fashion,
that (469) I will make her be glad to take these gifts ere I leave
her, let me never be called the heir of your body.

_Mis L._ Nay, I know there ’s enough in you, son, if you once come to
put it forth. 474

_Free._ I ’ll quickly make a bolt or a shaft on ’t.[3838] _Exeunt._

[SCENE II.][3839]

_Enter_ HOARD _and_ MONEYLOVE.

_Mon._ Faith, Master Hoard, I have bestowed many months in the suit
of your niece, such was the dear love I ever bore to her virtues:
but since she hath so extremely denied me, I am to lay out for my
fortunes elsewhere. 5

_Hoa._ Heaven forbid but you should, sir! I ever told you my niece
stood otherwise affected.[3840]

_Mon._ I must confess you did, sir; yet, in regard of my great loss
of time, and the zeal with which I sought your niece, shall I desire
one (10) favour of your worship?

_Hoa._ In regard of those two, ’t is hard but you shall, sir.

_Mon._ I shall rest grateful: ’t is not full three hours, sir, since
the happy rumour of a rich (15) country widow came to my hearing.

_Hoa._ How? a rich country widow?

_Mon._ Four hundred a-year landed.

_Hoa._ Yea?

_Mon._ Most firm, sir; and I have learnt her (20) lodging. Here
my suit begins, sir; if I might but entreat your worship to be a
countenance for me, and speak a good word (for your words will pass).
I nothing doubt but I might set fair for the widow; nor shall your
labour, sir, end (25) altogether in thanks; two hundred angels——

_Hoa._ So, so: what suitors has she?

_Mon._ There lies the comfort, sir; the report of her is yet but a
whisper; and only solicited by young riotous Witgood, nephew to your
mortal adversary. 31

_Hoa._ Ha! art certain he ’s her suitor?

_Mon._ Most certain, sir; and his uncle very industrious to beguile
the widow, and make up the match. 35

_Hoa._ So: very good.

_Mon._ Now, sir, you know this young Witgood is a spendthrift,
dissolute fellow.

_Hoa._ A very rascal.

_Mon._ A midnight surfeiter. 40

_Hoa._ The spume of a brothel-house.

_Mon._ True, sir; which being well told in your worship’s phrase, may
both heave him out of her mind, and drive a fair way for me to the
widow’s affections. 45

_Hoa._ Attend me about five.

_Mon._ With my best care, sir. _Exit._

_Hoa._ Fool, thou hast left thy treasure with a thief.
To trust a widower with a suit in love! Happy revenge, I hug thee!
I have not only (50) the means laid before me, extremely to cross my
adversary, and confound the last hopes of his nephew, but thereby to
enrich my estate, augment my revenues, and build mine own fortunes
greater: ha, ha! 55
I ’ll mar your phrase, o’erturn your flatteries,
Undo your windings, policies, and plots,
Fall like a secret and despatchful plague
On your secured comforts. Why, I am able
To buy three of Lucre; thrice outbid him, 60
Let my out-monies be reckoned and all.

_Enter three_ [_of_ WITGOOD’S] Creditors.

1 [_Cred._] I am glad of this news.

2 [_Cred._] So are we, by my faith.

3 [_Cred._] Young Witgood will be a gallant again now. 65

_Hoa._ Peace. [_Listening._]

_1 Cred._ I promise you, Master Cockpit, she ’s a mighty rich widow.

_2 Cred._ Why, have you ever heard of her?

_1 Cred._ Who? Widow Medler? She lies (70) open to much rumour.

_3 Cred._ Four hundred a-year, they say, in very good land.

_1 Cred._ [Nay,] take ’t of my word, if you believe that, you believe
the least. 75

_2 Cred._ And to see how close he keeps it!

_1 Cred._ O, sir, there ’s policy in that, to prevent better suitors.

_3 Cred._ He owes me a hundred pound, and I protest I ne’er lookt for
a penny. 80

_1 Cred._ He little dreams of our coming; he ’ll wonder to see his
creditors upon him. _Exeunt_ [Creditors].

_Hoa._ Good, his creditors: I ’ll follow. This makes for me:
All know the widow’s wealth; and ’t is well known
I can estate her fairly, ay, and will. 85
In this one chance shines a twice happy fate;
I both deject my foe and raise my state. _Exit._

MUSIC