Chapter CXXXVII: Act III: Scene I.4277

_Table and looking-glass. Enter_ LORD —— _unready_.[4278] HAIRCUT _preparing his periwig_.

_Lord._ What hour is ’t?

_Hair._ ’Bout three o’clock, my lord.

_Lord._ ’T is time to rise.

_Hair._ Your lordship went but late
To bed last night.

_Lord._ ’T was early in the morning.

_Sec._ [_within._] Expect[4279] awhile, my lord is busy.

_Enter_ Secretary.

_Lord._ What ’s the matter?

_Sec._ Here is a lady 5
Desires access to you upon some affairs,
She says, may specially concern your lordship.

_Lord._ A lady? What ’s her name?

_Sec._ Madam Decoy.

_Lord._ Decoy? Prithee admit her. [_Exit_ Secretary.]
_Enter_ DECOY.
Have you business, madam,
With me?

_Dec._ And such, I hope, as will not be 10
Offensive to your lordship.

_Lord._ I pray speak it.

_Dec._ I would desire your lordship’s ear more private.

_Lord._ Wait i’ th’ next chamber till I call.—Now, madam.
_Exit_ [HAIRCUT].

_Dec._ Although I am a stranger to your lordship,
I would not lose a fair occasion offer’d 15
To show how much I honour, and would serve you.

_Lord._ Please you to give me the particular,
That I may know the extent of my engagement.[4280]
I am ignorant by what desert you should
Be encourag’d to have care of me.

_Dec._ My lord, 20
I will take boldness to be plain; beside
Your other excellent parts, you have much fame
For your sweet inclination to our sex.

_Lord._ How d’ ye mean, madam?

_Dec._ I’ that way your lordship
Hath honourably practis’d upon some 25
Not to be nam’d. Your noble constancy
To a mistress hath deserv’d our general vote;
And I, a part of womankind, have thought
How to express my duty.

_Lord._ In what, madam?

_Dec._ Be not so strange, my lord. I knew the beauty 30
And pleasures of your eyes; that handsome creature
With whose fair life all your delight took leave,
And to whose memory you have paid too much
Sad tribute.

_Lord._ What ’s all this?

_Dec._ This: if your lordship
Accept my service, in pure zeal to cure 35
Your melancholy, I could point where you might
Repair your loss.

_Lord._ Your ladyship, I conceive,
Doth traffic in flesh merchandize.

_Dec._ To men
Of honour, like yourself. I am well known 39
To some in court, and come not with ambition
Now to supplant your officer.

_Lord._ What is
The lady of pleasure you prefer?

_Dec._ A lady
Of birth and fortune, one upon whose virtue
I may presume, the lady Aretina.

_Lord._ Wife to Sir Thomas Bornwell?

_Dec._ The same, sir. 45

_Lord._ Have you prepar’d her?

_Dec._ Not for your lordship, till I have found your pulse.
I am acquainted with her disposition,
She has a very appliable[4281] nature.

_Lord._ And, madam, when expect you to be whipt 50
For doing these fine favours?

_Dec._ How, my lord?
Your lordship does but jest, I hope; you make
A difference between a lady that
Does honourable offices, and one 54
They call a bawd. Your lordship was not wont
To have such coarse opinion of our practice.

_Lord._ The Lady Aretina is my kinswoman.

_Dec._ What if she be, my lord? The nearer blood,
The dearer sympathy.

_Lord._ I ’ll have thee carted.[4282]

_Dec._ Your lordship will not so much stain your honour 60
And education, to use a woman
Of my quality—

_Lord._ ’T is possible you may
Be sent off with an honourable convoy
Of halberdiers.

_Dec._ Oh, my good lord! 64

_Lord._ Your ladyship shall be no protection,
If you but stay three minutes.

_Dec._ I am gone.—
When next you find rebellion in your blood,
May all within ten mile o’ th’ court turn honest![4283] _Exit._

_Lord._ I do not find that proneness, since the fair
Bella Maria died; my blood is cold, 70
Nor is there beauty enough surviving
To heighten me to wantonness.—Who waits?
_Re-enter_ HAIRCUT [_and_ Secretary].
And what said my lady?

_Hair._ The silent language of her face, my lord,
Was not so pleasant, as it show’d upon 75
Her entrance.

_Lord._ Would any man that meets
This lady take her for a bawd?

_Hair._ She does
The trade an honour, credit to the profession.
We may in time see baldness, quarter noses, 79
And rotten legs to take the wall of footcloths.

_Lord._ I ha’ thought better; call the lady back.—
I wo’ not lose this opportunity.—
Bid her not fear. [_Exit_ Secretary.]—The favour is not common,
And I ’ll reward it. I do wonder much
Will Scentlove was not here to-day. 85

_Hair._ I heard him say this morning he would wait
Upon your lordship.—She is return’d, sir.

_Re-enter_ Secretary _and_ DECOY.

_Sec._ Madam, be confident, my lord ’s not angry.

_Lord._ You return welcome, madam; you are better
Read in your art, I hope, than to be frighted 90
With any shape of anger, when you bring
Such news to gentlemen. Madam, you shall
Soon understand how I accept the office.

_Dec._ You are the first lord, since I studied carriage,
That show’d such infidelity and fury 95
Upon so kind a message. Every gentleman
Will show some breeding; but if one right honourable
Should not have noble blood—

_Lord._ You shall return
My compliment, in a letter, to my lady 99
Aretina. Favour me with a little patience.—
Show her that chamber.

_Dec._ I ’ll attend your lordship.
_Exeunt_ [DECOY _and_ HAIRCUT.—Secretary _seats himself at a table_].

_Lord._ Write,—“Madam, where your honour
is in danger, my love must not be silent.”
_Enter_ [Sir WILLIAM] SCENTLOVE _and_ KICKSHAW.
Scentlove and Kickshaw!

_Kick._ Your lordship’s busy. 104

_Lord._ Writing a letter;—nay, it sh’ not bar
Any discourse.
[_Walks alternately to the_ Secretary _and to_ SCENTLOVE _and_ KICKSHAW.]

_Sec._ “Silent.”

_Lord._ “Though I be no physician, I may prevent a fever in your
blood.”
And where have you spent the morning’s conversation? 110

_Scent._ Where you would have given the best barbary
In your stable to have met on honourable terms.

_Lord._ What new beauty? You acquaint yourselves
With none but wonders.

_Scent._ ’T is too low,—a miracle.

_Lord._ It will require a strong faith. 115

_Sec._ “Your blood.”

_Lord._ “If you be innocent, preserve your
fame, lest this Decoy-madam betray it, to your
repentance”—
By what name is she known?

_Scent._ Ask Alexander; 120
He knows her.

_Kick._ Whom?

_Scent._ The lady Celestina.

_Lord._ He has a vast knowledge of ladies. ’Las, poor Alexander!
When dost thou mean thy body shall lie fallow?

_Kick._ When there is mercy in a petticoat:
I must turn pilgrim for some breath.

_Lord._ I think
’T were cooler travel, if you examine it, 126
Upon the hoof through Spain.

_Scent._ Through Ethiopia.

_Lord._ Nay, less laborious to serve a prenticeship
In Peru, and dig gold out of the mine,
Though all the year were dog-days. 130

_Sec._ “To repentance.”

_Lord._ “In brief, this lady, could you fall
from virtue, within my knowledge, will not
blush to be a bawd.”

_Scent._ But hang ’t, ’t is honourable journey-work; 135
Thou art famous by it, and thy name ’s up.

_Kick._ So, sir!
Let me ask you a question, my dear knight:
Which is less servile, to bring up the pheasant,
And wait, or sit at table uncontroll’d, 140
And carve to my own appetite?

_Scent._ No more;
Thou ’rt witty, as I am.

_Sec._ “A bawd.”

_Scent._ How ’s that?

_Kick._ Oh, you are famous by ’t, and your name ’s up, sir.

_Lord._ “Be wise, and reward my caution
with timely care of yourself, so I shall not 145
repent to be known your loving kinsman and
servant”—
Gentlemen, the lady Celestina,
Is she so rare a thing?

_Kick._ If you ’ll have my
Opinion, my lord, I never saw 150
So sweet, so fair, so rich a piece of nature.

_Lord._ I ’ll show thee a fairer presently, to shame
Thy eyes and judgment; look o’ that. [_Gives him a miniature._]—So;
I ’ll subscribe. [_Signs his name to the letter._]
Seal it; I ’ll excuse your pen for the direction.

_Kick._ Bella Maria’s picture! she was handsome. 155

_Scent._ But not to be compar’d—

_Lord._ Your patience, gentlemen; I ’ll return instantly. _Exit._

_Kick._ Whither is my lord gone?

_Sec._ To a lady i’ th’ next chamber.

_Scent._ What is she?

_Sec._ You shall pardon me, I am his secretary. 160

_Scent._ I was wont to be of his counsel. A new officer.
And I not know ’t? I am resolv’d to batter
All other with the praise of Celestina:
I must retain him.

_Re-enter_ Lord.

_Lord._ Has not that object
Convinc’d your erring judgments?

_Kick._ What! this picture? 165

_Lord._ Were but your thoughts as capable as mine
Of her idea, you would wish no thought
That were not active in her praise, above
All worth and memory of her sex.

_Scent._ She was fair,
I must confess; but had your lordship look’d 170
With eyes more narrow, and some less affection.
Upon her face,—

_Kick._ I do not love the copies
Of any dead, they make me dream of goblins;
Give me a living mistress, with but half
The beauty of Celestina. Come, my lord, 175
’T is pity that a lord of so much flesh
Should waste upon a ghost, when they are living
Can give you a more honourable consumption.

_Scent._ Why, do you mean, my lord, to live an infidel?
Do, and see what will come on ’t; observe[4284] still, 180
And dote upon your vigils; build a chamber
Within a rock, a tomb among the worms,
Not far off, where you may, in proof apocryphal,
Court ’em not to devour the pretty pile
Of flesh your mistress carried to the grave. 185
There are no women in the world; all eyes,
And tongues, and lips, are buried in her coffin!

_Lord._ Why, do you think yourselves competent judges
Of beauty, gentlemen?

_Both._ What should hinder us? 189

_Kick._ I have seen and tried as many as another,
With a mortal back.

_Lord._ Your eyes are brib’d,
And your hearts chain’d to some desires; you cannot
Enjoy the freedom of a sense.

_Kick._ Your lordship
Has a clear eyesight, and can judge and penetrate.

_Lord._ I can, and give a perfect censure of 195
Each line and point; distinguish beauty from
A thousand forms, which your corrupted optics
Would pass for natural.

_Scent._ I desire no other
Judge should determine us, and if your lordship
Dare venture but your eyes upon this lady, 200
I ’ll stand their justice, and be confident
You shall give Celestina victory
And triumph o’er all beauties past and living.

_Kick._ I dare, my lord, venture a suit of clothes,
You ’ll be o’ercome.

_Lord._ You do not know my fortitude. 205

_Scent._ Nor frailty; you dare not trust yourself to see her.

_Lord._ Think you so, gentlemen? I dare see this creature
To make you know your errors, and the difference
Of her whose memory is my saint. Not trust
My senses! I dare see, and speak with her. 210
Which holds the best acquaintance to prepare
My visit to her?

_Sent._ I will do ’t, my lord.

_Kick._ She is a lady free in entertainments.

_Lord._ I would give this advantage to your cause,
Bid her appear in all the ornaments 215
Did ever wait on beauty, all the riches
Pride can put on, and teach her face more charm
Than ever poet drest up Venus in;
Bid her be all the Graces, and the Queen
Of Love in one, I ’ll see her, Scentlove, and 220
Bring off my heart, arm’d but [with a] single thought
Of one that ’s dead, without a wound; and when
I have made your folly prisoner, I ’ll laugh at you.

_Scent._ She shall expect you; trust to me for knowledge.

_Lord._ I ’m for the present somewhere else engag’d; 225
Let me hear from you. [_Exit._]

_Scent._ So! I am glad he ’s yet
So near conversion.

_Kick._ I am for Aretina.

_Scent._ No mention of my lord.

_Kick._ Prepare his lady,
’T is time he were reduc’d[4285] to the old sport; 229
One lord like him more would undo the court. _Exeunt._

[SCENE II.][4286]

_Enter_ LADY BORNWELL, _with a letter_, _and_ DECOY.

_Dec._ He is the ornament of your blood, madam;
I am much bound to his lordship.

_Lady B._ He gives you
A noble character.

_Dec._ ’T is his goodness, madam.

_Lady B._ [_Aside._] I wanted such an engine. My lord has
Done me a courtesy, to disclose her nature; 5
I now know one to trust, and will employ her.—
Touching my lord, for reasons which I shall
Offer to your ladyship hereafter, I
Desire you would be silent; but, to show 9
How much I dare be confident in your secrecy,
I pour my bosom forth. I love a gentleman,
One whom there wo’ not need much conjuration
To meet.—Your ear. [_Whispers her._]

_Dec._ I apprehend you, and I shall
Be happy to be serviceable. I am sorry
Your ladyship did not know me before now: 15
I have done offices: and not a few
Of the nobility but have done feats
Within my house, which is convenient
For situation, and artful chambers.
And pretty pictures to provoke the fancy. 20

_Enter_ LITTLEWORTH.

_Little._ Madam, all pleasures languish in your absence.

_Lady B._ Your pardon a few minutes, sir.— You must
Contrive it thus. [_Walks aside with_ DECOY.]

_Little._ I attend, and shall account it
Honour to wait on your return.

_Lady B._ He may not
Have the least knowledge of my name or person. 25

_Dec._ I have practis’d that already for some great ones,
And dare again, to satisfy you, madam;
I have a thousand ways to do sweet offices.

_Little._ If this Lady Aretina should be honest,
I ha’ lost time. She ’s free as air; I must 30
Have closer conference, and if I have art,
Make her affect me in revenge.

_Dec._ This evening?
Leave me to manage things.

_Lady B._ You will oblige me.

_Dec._ You shall commend my art, and thank me after. _Exit._

_Lady B._ I hope the revels are maintain’d within? 35

_Little._ By Sir Thomas and his mistress.

_Lady B._ How? His mistress?

_Little._ The lady Celestina; I ne’er saw
Eyes shoot more amorous interchange.

_Lady B._ Is ’t so?

_Little._ He wears her favour with mere[4287] pride—

_Lady B._ Her favour?

_Little._ A feather that he ravish’d from her fan; 40
And is so full of courtship, which she smiles on.

_Lady B._ ’T is well.

_Little._ And praises her beyond all poetry.

_Lady B._ I ’m glad he has so much wit.

_Little._ [_Aside._] Not jealous!

_Lady B._ [_Aside._] This secures me. What would make other ladies
pale
With jealousy, gives but license to my wand’rings. 45
Let him now tax[4288] me, if he dare; and yet
Her beauty ’s worth my envy, and I wish
Revenge upon it, not because he loves,
But that it shines above my own.

_Enter_ KICKSHAW.

_Kick._ Dear madam!

_Lady B._ I have it.—You two gentlemen profess 50
Much service to me; if I have a way
To employ your wit and secrecy?—

_Both._ You ’ll honour us.

_Lady B._ You gave a high and worthy character
Of Celestina.

_Kick._ I remember, madam.

_Lady B._ Do either of you love her?

_Kick._ Not I, madam. 55

_Little._ I would not, if I might.

_Lady B._ She ’s now my guest,
And, by a trick, invited by my husband,
To disgrace me.—You, gentlemen, are held
Wits of the town, the consuls that do govern
The senate here, whose jeers are all authentic.
The taverns and the ordinaries are 61
Made academies, where you come, and all
Your sins and surfeits made the time’s example.
Your very nods can quell a theatre,
No speech or poem good without your seal; 65
You can protect sourrility, and publish;
By your authority believ’d, no rapture
Ought to have honest meaning.

_Kick._ Leave our characters.

_Little._ And name the employment.

_Lady B._ You must exercise
The strength of both your wits upon this lady,
And talk her into humbleness or anger, 71
Both which are equal, to my thought. If you
Dare undertake this slight thing for my sake,
My favour shall reward it; but be faithful,
And seem to let all spring from your own freedom. 75

_Kick._ This all! We can defame her; if you please,
My friend shall call her whore, or any thing.
And never be endanger’d to a duel.

_Lady B._ How ’s that?

_Kick._ He can endure a cudgelling, and no man 80
Will fight after so fair a satisfaction:
But leave us to our art, and do not limit us.

_Lady B._ They are here; begin not till I whisper you.

_Enter_ SIR THOMAS BORNWELL, CELESTINA, MARIANA, _and_ ISABELLA.

Lady B. _Je vous prie, madame, d’excuser l’importunité de mes
affaires, qui m’ont fait (85) offenser, par mon absence, une dame de
laquelle j’ai reçu tant d’obligations._

Cel. _Pardonnez moi, madame; vous me faites trop d’honneur._ 89

Lady B. _C’est bien de la douceur de votre naturel, que vous tenez
cette langage; mais j’espère que mon mari n’a pas manqué de vous
entretenir en mon absence._

Cel. _En vérité, monsieur nous a fort obligé._ 94

Lady B. _Il eût trop failli, s’il n’eut taché de tout son pouvoir à
vous rendre toutes sortes de services._

Cel. _C’est de sa bonté qu’il nous a tant favorise._

Lady B. _De la vôtre plutôt, madame, que vous fait donner
d’interprétation si bénigne à ses efforts._ 101

Cel. _Je vois bien que la victoire sera toujours à madame, et de
langage et de la courtesie._

Lady B. _Vraiment, madame, que jamais personne a plus désiré
l’honneur de votre compagnie que moi._ 106

Cel. _Laissons-en, je vous supplie, des complimens, et permettez à
votre servante de vous baiser les mains._

Lady B. _Vous m’obligez trop._ 110

_Born._ I have no more patience; let ’s be merry again
In our own language: madam, our mirth cools.
Our nephew!

_Enter_ FREDERICK [_intoxicated_, _and_ Steward].

_Lady B._ Passion of my brain! 114

_Fred._ Save you, gentlemen! save you, ladies!

_Lady B._ I am undone.

_Fred._ I must salute; no matter at which end I begin. [_Salutes_
CELESTINA.]

_Lady B._ There’s a compliment!

_Cel._ Is this your nephew, madam? 120

Lady B. _Je vous prie, madame, d’excuser les habits et le rude
comportement de mon cousin. Il est tout fraîchement venu de
l’université, où on l’a tout gâté._

Cel. _Excusez moi, madame, il est bien accompli._ 126

_Fred._ This language should be French by the motions of your heads,
and the mirth of your faces.

_Lady B._ I am dishonour’d. 130

_Fred._ ’T is one of the finest tongues for ladies to show their
teeth in: if you ’ll Latin it, I am for you, or Greek it; my tailor
has not put me into French yet. _Mille basia, basia mille._

Cel. _Je ne vous entends pas, monsieur;_ 135
I understand you not, sir.

_Fred._ Why, so!
You and I then shall be in charity;
For though we should be abusive, we ha’ the benefit
Not to understand one another. Where ’s my aunt? 140
I did hear music somewhere; and my brains,
Tun’d with a bottle of your capering claret,
Made haste to show their dancing.

_Little._ Please you, madam,
[_Offering his box of sweetmeats to_ CELESTINA.]
They are very uncomfortable.[4289]

_Stew._ Alas, madam,
How would you have me help it? I did use 145
All means I could, after he heard the music,
To make him drunk, in hope so to contain him;
But the wine made him lighter, and his head
Flew hither, ere I mist his heels.

_Kick._ Nay, he spoke Latin to the lady. 150

_Lady B._ O most unpardonable! Get him off
Quickly, and discreetly too; or, if I live——

_Stew._ It is not in my power; he swears I am
An absurd sober fellow; and if you keep
A servant in his house to cross his humour, 155
When the rich sword and belt comes home, he ’ll kill him.

_Lady B._ What shall I do? Try your skill, Master Littleworth.

_Little._ He has ne’er a sword.—Sweet master Frederick—

_Born._ ’Tis pity, madam, such a scion should
Be lost;—but you are clouded.

_Cel._ Not I, sir, 160
I never found myself more clear at heart.

_Born._ I could play with a feather; your fan, lady.—
Gentlemen, Aretina, ta, ra, ra, ra! Come, madam.

_Fred._ Why, my good tutor in election,
You might have been a scholar.

_Little._ But I thank 165
My friends, they brought me up a little better.
Give me the town wits, that deliver jests
Clean from the bow, that whistle in the air,
And cleave the pin at twelvescore! Ladies do
But laugh at a gentleman that has any learning; 170
’T is sin enough to have your clothes suspected.
Leave us, and I will find a time to instruct you.
Come, here are sugar plums; ’t is a good Frederick.

_Fred._ Why, is not this my aunt’s house in the Strand?
The noble rendezvous? Who laughs at me? 175
Go, I will root here if I list, and talk
Of rhetoric, logic, Latin, Greek, or any thing,
And understand ’em too; who says the contrary?
Yet, in a fair way, I contemn all learning,
And will be as ignorant as he, or he, 180
Or any taffeta, satin, scarlet, plush.
Tissue, or cloth o’ bodkin[4290] gentleman.
Whose manners are most gloriously infected.——
Did you laugh at me, lady?

_Cel._ Not I, sir;
But if I did show mirth upon your question, 185
I hope you would not beat me, little gentleman?

_Fred._ How! “little gentleman?” You dare not say
These words to my new clothes, and fighting sword.

_Lady B._ Nephew Frederick!

_Fred._ “Little gentleman!”
’T is an affront both to my blood and person, 190
I am a gentleman of as tall a birth
As any boast[4291] nobility; though my clothes
Smell o’ the lamp, my coat is honourable,
Right honourable, full of or and argent.-—-
A “little gentleman!”

_Born._ Coz, you must be patient; 195
My lady meant you no dishonour, and
You must remember she ’s a woman.

_Fred._ Is she a woman? That ’s another matter.—
Do you hear? My uncle tells me what you are.

_Cel._ So, sir. 200

_Fred._ You call’d me “little gentleman.”

_Cel._ I did, sir.

_Fred._ A little pink[4292] has made a lusty ship
Strike her top-sail; the crow may beard the elephant,
A whelp may tame the tiger, spite of all 205
False decks and murderers;[4293] and a “little gentleman”
Be hard enough to grapple with your ladyship,
Top and top-gallant.—Will you go drink, uncle,
T’ other enchanted bottle? You and I
Will tipple, and talk philosophy.

_Born._ Come, nephew.— 210
You will excuse a minute’s absence, madam.—
Wait you on us.

_Stew._ My duty, sir.
_Exeunt_ SIR THOMAS BORNWELL, FREDERICK, _and_ Steward.

_Lady B._ Now, gentlemen.

_Kick._ Madam, I had rather you excuse my language
For speaking truth, than virtue suffer in
My further silence; and it is my wonder 215
That you, whose noble carriage hath deserv’d
All honour and opinion, should now
Be guilty of ill manners.

_Cel._ What was that
You told me, sir?

_Little._ Do you not blush, madam,
To ask that question?

_Cel._ You amaze rather 220
My cheek to paleness. What mean you by this?
I am not troubled with the hiccup, gentlemen,
You should bestow this fright upon me.

_Little._ Then
Pride and ill memory go together.

_Cel._ How, sir?

_Kick._ The gentleman on whom you exercis’d
Your thin wit, was a nephew to the lady 226
Whose guest you are; and though her modesty
Look calm on the abuse of one so near
Her blood, the affront was impious.

_Little._ I am asham’d on t.
You an ingenious lady, and well manner’d! 230
I ’ll teach a bear as much civility.

_Cel._ You may be master of the college, sir,
For aught I know.

_Little._ What college?

[_Cel._][4294] Of the bears.
Have you a plot upon me? Do you possess
Your wits, or know me, gentlemen?

_Re-enter_ SIR THOMAS BORNWELL, [_behind_].

_Born._ How ’s this? 235

_Kick._ Know you? Yes; we do know you to an atom.

_Little._ Madam, we know what stuff your soul is made on.

_Cel._ But do not bark so like a mastiff, pray.——
Sure they are mad.—Let your brains stand awhile,
And settle, gentlemen; you know not me; 240
What am I?

_Little._ Th’ art a puppet, a thing made
Of clothes and painting, and not half so handsome
As that which play’d Susanna in the fair.

_Cel._ I heard you visited those canvas tragedies, 244
One of their constant audience, and so taken
With Susan, that you wish’d yourself a rival
With the two wicked elders.

_Kick._ You think this
Is wit now. Come, you are—

_Cel._ What, I beseech you?
Your character will be full of salt and satire,
No doubt. What am I?

_Kick._ Why, you are a woman— 250

_Cel._ And that ’s at least a bow wide of your knowledge.

_Kick._ Would be thought handsome, and might pass i’ th’ country
Upon a market day; but so miserably
Forfeit to pride and fashions, that if Heaven
Were a new gown, you’d not stay in ’t a fortnight. 255

_Cel._ It must be miserably out of fashion then.
Have I no sin but pride?

_Kick._ Hast any virtue,
Or but a good face, to excuse that want?

_Cel._ You prais’d it yesterday.

_Kick._ That made you proud.

_Cel._ More pride!

_Kick._ You need not:—to close up the praise, 260
I have seen a better countenance in a sybil.

_Cel._ When you wore spectacles of sack,[4295] mistook
The painted cloth,[4296] and kist it for your mistress.

_Kick._ Let me ask you a question; how much
Have you consum’d in expectation 265
That I would love you?

_Cel._ Why, I think as much
As you have paid away in honest debts
This seven year. ’T is a pretty impudence,
But cannot make me angry.

_Little._ Is there any
Man that will cast away his limbs upon her? 270

_Kick._ You do not sing so well as I imagin’d,
Nor dance; you reel in your coranto,[4297] and pinch
Your petticoat too hard: y’ have no good ear
To th’ music, and incline too much one shoulder,
As you were dancing on the rope, and falling. 275
You speak abominable French, and make
A curtsey like a dairy-maid.—[_Aside._] Not mad!

_Little._ Do we not sting her handsomely?

_Born._ A conspiracy!

_Kick._ Your state is not so much as ’t is reported,
When you confer notes, all your husband’s debts, 280
And your own reconcil’d; but that ’s not it
Will so much spoil your marriage.

_Cel._ As what, sir?
Let me know all my faults.

_Kick._ Some men do whisper
You are not over honest.[4298]

_Cel._ All this shall not
Move me to more than laughter, and some pity, 285
Because you have the shapes of gentlemen;
And though you have been insolent upon me,
I will engage no friend to kick or cudgel you,
To spoil your living and your limbs together:
I leave that to diseases that offend you, 290
And spare my curse, poor silken vermin! and
Hereafter shall distinguish men from monkeys.

_Born._ [_coming forward._] Brave soul!—You brace of
horse-leeches!—I have heard
Their barbarous language, madam; y’ are too merciful:
They shall be silent to your tongue; pray punish ’em. 295

_Cel._ They are things not worth my character,[4299] nor mention
Of any clean breath; so lost in honesty,
They cannot satisfy for wrongs enough,
Though they should steal out of the world at Tyburn.[4300]

_Little._ We are hang’d already. 300

_Cel._ Yet I will talk a little to the pilchards.—[4301]
You two, that have not ’twixt you both the hundred
Part of a soul, coarse woollen-witted fellows,
Without a nap, with bodies made for burdens!
You, that are only stuffings for apparel, 305
As you were made but engines[4302] for your tailors
To frame their clothes upon, and get them custom,
Until men see you move; yet, then you dare not,
Out of your guilt[4303] of being the ignobler beast,
But give a horse the wall, whom you excel 310
Only in dancing of the brawls,[4304] because
The horse was not taught the French way. Your two faces,
One fat, like Christmas, t’ other lean, like Candlemas,
And prologue to a Lent, both bound together,
Would figure Janus, and do many cures 315
On agues, and the green disease,[4305] by frighting;
But neither can, with all the characters
And conjuring circles, charm a woman, though
She ’d fourscore years upon her, and but one
Tooth in her head, to love, or think well of you: 320
And I were miserable to be at cost
To court such a complexion as your malice
Did impudently insinuate. But I waste time,
And stain my breath in talking to such tadpoles.
Go home, and wash your tongues in barley-water, 325
Drink[4306] clean tobacco, be not hot i’ th’ mouth,
And you may scape the beadle; so I leave you
To shame, and your own garters!—Sir, I must
Entreat you, for my honour, do not penance them,
They are not worth your anger. How shall I 330
Acquit your lady’s silence?

_Born._ Madam, I
Am sorry to suspect, and dare revenge.

_Cel._ No cause of mine.

_Born._ It must become me to attend you home.

_Cel._ You are noble.—Farewell, mushrooms.
[_Exit with_ SIR THOMAS BORNWELL.]

_Lady B._ Is she gone? 335

_Little._ I think we pepper’d her.

_Kick._ I ’m glad ’t is over;
But I repent no service for you, madam.—
_Enter_ Servant, _with a letter_ [_and a jewel, which he delivers to_
KICKSHAW].
To me? From whence?—A jewel! a good preface.
Be happy the conclusion. _He smiles upon ’t._

_Lady B._ Some love letter.

_Little._ He has a hundred mistresses: you may 340
Be charitable, madam, I ha’ none;
He surfeits, and I fall away i’ th’ kidneys.

_Kick._ I ’ll meet.— [_Exit_ Servant.]
[_Aside._] ’T is some great lady, questionless, that has
Taken notice, and would satisfy her appetite.

_Lady B._ Now, Master Alexander, you look bright o’ the sudden; 346
Another spirit ’s in your eye.

_Kick._ Not mine, madam;
Only a summons to meet a friend.

_Lady B._ What friend?

_Little._ By this jewel, I know her not.

_Lady B._ ’T is a she-friend. I ’ll follow, gentlemen; 350
We may have a game at cent[4307] before you go.

_Kick._ I shall attend you, madam.

_Little._ ’T is our duty.
[_Exeunt_ KICKSHAW _and_ LITTLEWORTH.]

_Lady B._ I blush while I converse with my own thoughts.
Some strange fate governs me, but I must on;
The ways are cast already, and we thrive 355
When our sin fears no eye nor perspective. _Exit._