Chapter XXVIII: Act I

ENTER _Ergasilus_ LOOKING HUNGRY AND FORLORN.

_Erg._

Iuventus nomen indidit Scorto mihi,
eo quia invocatus soleo esse in convivio. 70
scio absurde dictum hoc derisores dicere,
at ego aio recte. nam scortum in convivio
sibi amator, talos quom iacit, scortum invocat.

The young fellows have dubbed me Missy, on the ground that
whenever they’re at their banquets I feel called upon to be
with ’em. To be sure, the professional wags say it is an
absurd nickname, but I protest it’s a good one. For at
banquets when the young sparks are playing dice they call
upon their missies, yes, their missies, to be with ’em as
they make a throw.

estne invocatum an non est? est planissume;
verum hercle vero nos parasiti planius,
quos numquam quisquam neque vocat neque invocat.
quasi mures semper edimus alienum cibum;
ubi res prolatae sunt, quom rus homines eunt,
simul prolatae res sunt nostris dentibus.

Does missy feel called upon to be with ’em, or not? Most
unmistakably. But by heaven, I tell you we parasites feel
the call more unmistakably still, for no one else ever
feels for us or calls us, either. Like mice, we’re forever
nibbling at some one else’s food. When the holidays come,
and men hie ’em to their country estates, our grinders take
a holiday, too.

quasi, cum caletur, cocleae in occulto latent, 80
suo sibi suco vivont, ros si non cadit,
item parasiti rebus prolatis latent
in occulto miseri victitant suco suo,
dum ruri rurant homines quos ligurriant.

It’s the same as snails hiding in their holes during the
dog days and living on their own juices when there’s no dew
falling: that’s the way with parasites during the holidays--
hide in their holes, poor devils, and subsist on their own
juices while the people they could get pickings from are in
the rural regions ruralizing.

prolatis rebus parasiti venatici
sumus, quando res redierunt, molossici
odiosicique et multum incommodestici.
et hic quidem hercle, nisi qui colaphos perpeti
potest parasitus frangique aulas in caput,
[3]ire extra portam Trigeminam ad saccum licet. 90
quod mihi ne eveniat, non nullum periculum est.

So long as the holidays last we parasites are greyhounds:
when they’re over we are wolf-hounds and dear-hounds and
bore- hounds, very much so. And, by gad, in this town, at
least, if a parasite objects to being banged about and
having crockery smashed on his cranium, he can betake
himself to the far side of Three Arch Gate and a porter’s
bag. (_ruefully_) Which is precious likely to be my own
fate.

nam postquam meus rex est potitus hostium--
ita nunc belligerant Aetoli cum Aleis;
nam Aetolia haec est, illic est captus in Alide,
Philopolemus, huius Hegionis filius
senis, qui hie habitat, quae aedes lamentariae
mihi sunt, quas quotienscumque conspicio fleo;

For after my patron fell in with the enemy--the Aetolians,
you see, are at war now with the Eleans; this is Aetolia,
you understand, and it’s there in Elis that Philopolemus
is a captive, Philopolemus being the son of Hegio here, the
old gentleman that lives in (_pointing_) that house (and a
lamentatious house it is! every time I look at it, it makes
me weep!)

nunc hic occepit quaestum hunc fili gratia
inhonestum et maxime alienum ingenio suo:
homines captives commercatur, si queat 100
aliquem invenire, suom qui mutet filium.
quod quidem ego nimis quam cupio[4] ut impetret:
nam ni illum recipit, nihil est quo me recipiam.

--well, now Hegio has taken up his present business, all for
his son’s sake, ungentlemanly business as it is, and quite
beneath a man of his type. He’s buying up prisoners of war,
to see if he can’t come across one to exchange for his boy.
And Lord! how I do yearn for him to succeed! You see, it’s
a matter of his coming home, or my going hungry.

nam nulla est spes iuventutis, sese omnis amant;
ille demum antiquis est adulescens moribus,
cuius numquam voltum tranquillavi gratiis.
condigne pater est eius moratus moribus.
nunc ad eum pergam. sed aperitur ostium,
unde saturitate saepe ego exii ebrius.

For our young fellows are absolutely unpromising--egoists,
the whole lot of ’em! But he is a young gentleman of the old
school, that lad: I never smoothed the wrinkles out of his
brow without getting more than a thankye for it. His father
is just such another perfect gentleman. Now for a call on
him. (_moves toward Hegio’s house_) But there goes his door,
out of which I’ve often come so full of food I was fairly
tipsy. (_withdraws_)

I. 2.

Scene 2.

ENTER _Hegio_ WITH _Slave Overseer_.

_Hegio_

Advorte animum sis tu: istos captives duos, 110
heri quos emi de praeda a quaestoribus,
eis indito catenas singularias
istas, maiores, quibus sunt iuncti, demito;

Attention, please, my man. Those two captives that I bought
yesterday from the commissioners in charge of the spoils--
put the light irons on them and take off the heavy ones
they’re coupled with.

sinito ambulare, si foris si intus volent,
sed uti adserventur magna diligentia.
liber captivos avis ferae consimilis est:
semel fugiendi si data est occasio,
satis est, numquam postilla possis prendere.

Let them walk out here or inside, whichever they please;
but look after them sharp, mind you. A captive free is a
regular wild bird: once given a chance to flit, that is
enough--you can never get hold of him again.

_Lor._
_Over._

Omnes profecto liberi lubentius
sumus quam servimus.

Well, of course sir, we’d all rather be free than slaves.

_Hegio._

Non videre ita tu quidem. 120

That seems untrue of you at any rate.[A]

[Footnote A: Implying that he had not tried to save money
to buy his liberty.]

_Lor._
_Over._

Si non est quod dem, mene vis dem ipse--in pedes?

In case I haven’t anything else to give you, how about my
giving you--the slip?

_Hegio_

Si dederis, erit extemplo mihi quod dem tibi.

Give me that, and I shall shortly have something to give
you.

_Lor._
_Over._

Avis me ferae consimilem faciam, ut praedicas.

I’ll copy that wild bird you speak of.

_Hegio_

Ita ut dicis: nam si faxis, te in caveam dabo.
sed satis verborumst. cura quae iussi atque abi.
ego ibo ad fratrem ad alios captives meos,
visam ne nocte hac quippiam turbaverint.
inde me continuo recipiam rursum domum.

Exactly--for then I’ll cage you. But enough of this. Mind my
orders and be off with you. I’ll drop in at my brother’s for
a look at my other prisoners, and see if they made any
disturbance last night. Then I’ll return home again at once.
[EXIT _Overseer_ INTO HOUSE.

_Erg._

Aegre est mi, hunc facere quaestum carcerarium
propter sui gnati miseriam miserum senem. 130
sed si ullo pacto ille huc conciliari potest,
vel carnificinam hunc facere possum perpeti.

(_with a loud sigh_) It does grieve me to see the poor old
gentleman at this gaoler’s job for his poor son’s sake. (_in
lower tone_) However, if he only manages to get the lad back
here somehow, let him turn hangman, too,--I can stand it.

_Hegio_

Quis hic loquitur?

(_looking round_) Who is that speaking here?

_Erg._

Ego, qui tuo maerore maceror,
macesco, consenesco et tabesco miser;
ossa atque pellis sum miser a macritudine;
neque umquam quicquam me iuvat quod edo domi:
foris aliquantillum etiam quod gusto, id beat.

(_stepping forward_) I--a man that am all worn out by your
woe, that am getting thin, growing old, pining away in
sorrow; I’m nothing but skin and bones, I feel for you so.
Nothing I eat--at home--ever does me any good, (_aside_)
But how I do relish the merest morsel when I’m dining out!

_Hegio_

Ergasile, salve.

Ah, good day, Ergasilus.

_Erg._

Di te bene ament, Hegio.

God bless you, Hegio, bless you bounteously! (_grasps
Hegio’s hand fervently and bursts into tears_)

_Hegio_

Ne fle.

Don’t cry.

_Erg._

Egone illum non fleam? egon non defleam
talem adulescentem?

I not cry for him? I not cry my eyes out for such a youth?

_Hegio_

Semper sensi, filio 140
meo te esse amicum, et illum intellexi tibi.

(_somewhat moved_) I always did feel that you were a friend
to my son, and I realized that he regarded you as one.

_Erg._

Tum denique homines nostra intellegimus bona,
quom quae in potestate habuimus, ea amisimus.
ego, postquam gnatus tuos potitust hostium,
expertus quanti fuerit nunc desidero.

Ah, we mortals realize the value of our blessings only when
we have lost them. Myself now--after your son fell in with
the enemy, I have come to understand how much he meant to
me, and now I long for him.

_Hegio_

Alienus cum eius incommodum tam aegre feras,
quid me patrem par facerest, cui ille est unicus?

When an outsider like you takes his misfortune so bitterly,
how must I feel, his father, and he my only son?

_Erg._

Alienus ego? alienus illi? aha, Hegio,
numquam istuc dixis neque animum induxis tuom;
tibi ille unicust, mi etiam unico magis unicus. 150

(_choking_) An outsider? I? An outsider to that boy? Oh-h-h,
Hegio! don’t say a thing like that, don’t let such a thought
enter your mind, ever! Your only son, yes,--but he was even
more than that to me: he was my only only! (_sobs violently_)

_Hegio_

Laudo, malum cum amici tuom ducis malum,
nunc habe bonum animum.

I appreciate this, that you consider your friend’s disaster
your own. (_patting him on the back_) Come now, take heart.

_Erg._

Eheu, huic illud dolet,
quia nunc remissus est edendi exercitus.

Oh, dear! oh, dear! here’s (_rubbing his stomach_) where it
hurts: my whole commissary department has been disbanded
now, you see.

_Hegio_

Nullumne interea nactu’s, qui posset tibi
remissum quem dixti imperare exercitum?

(_smiling_) And meantime haven’t you hit upon anyone that
could reorganize the department you say is disbanded?

_Erg._

Quid credis? fugitant omnes hanc provinciam,
quoi optigerat postquam captust Philopolemus tuos.

Would you believe it? Every one keeps fighting shy of the
office ever since your Philopolemus, its duly elected
occupant, was captured.

_Hegio_

Non pol mirandum est fugitare hanc provinciam,
multis et multigeneribus opus est tibi
militibus: primumdum opus est Pistorensibus: 160
eorum sunt aliquot genera Pistorensium:
opus Paniceis est, opus Placentinis quoque;
opus Turdetanis, opust Ficedulensibus;
iam maritumi omnes milites opus sunt tibi.

Bless my soul! no wonder they fight shy of it. You need many
recruits, of many sorts, too: why, in the first place you
need Pad-u-ans;[B] and there are several kinds of Paduans:
you need the support of Bologna, and you need Frankfurters
too; you need Leghorners and you need Pis-ans, and
furthermore you need every fighter in fin land.

[Footnote B: Here, as in the lines 880-883, the translator
craves pardon for distorting the ages and spoiling the
climes in his efforts to secure something of the effect
of the original puns.]

_Erg_

Ut saepe summa ingenia in occulto latent;
hic qualis imperator nunc privatus est.

(_appreciatively_) How often it does happen that the
greatest talents are shrouded in obscurity! This man now--
what a generalissimo, and here he is only a private citizen!

_Hegio_

Habe modo bonum animum, nam illum confido domum
in his diebus me reconciliassere.
nam eccum hic captivom adulescentem intus Aleum,
prognatum genere summo et summis ditiis: 170
hoc illum me mutare confido pote.

Well, well, now, take heart. As a matter of fact, I trust we
shall have the boy back with us in a few days. For, look you
(_pointing to house_) I have a young Elean prisoner inside
here--splendid family, quantities of money: I count on being
able to exchange him for my son.

_Erg_

Ita di deaeque faxint. sed num quo foras
vocatus es ad cenam?

(_heartily_) The gods and goddesses be with you! I say,
though,--you haven’t been invited out to dinner anywhere?

_Hegio_

Nusquam quod sciam
sed quid tu id quaeris?

(_cautiously_) Nowhere, to my knowledge. But why do you ask?

_Erg_

Quia mi est natalis dies;
propterea te vocari ad te ad cenam volo

Well, to-day is my birthday: so consider yourself invited to
take dinner at--your house.

_Hegio_

Facete dictum. sed si pauxillo potes,
contentus esse.

(_laughing_) Well put! But only on condition you can be
content with very little.

_Erg._

Ne perpauxillum modo,
nam istoc me assiduo victu delecto domi,
age sis, roga emptum. nisi qui meliorem adferet
quae mi atque amicis placeat condicio magis, 180
quasi fundum vendam, meis me addicam legibus

Yes, only don’t make it very, very, very little, for that is
what I regale myself on constantly at home. Come on, come
on, do please say “Done!” (_after a pause, formally_) In the
event of no party making a better offer, more satisfactory
to myself and associates, I’ll knock myself down to you--on
my own terms--just as if I was selling an estate by auction.

_Hegio_

Profundum vendis tu quidem, haud fundum, mihi
sed si venturu’s, temperi.

An estate indeed! You mean an empty state. But if you intend
to come, come in season.

_Erg._

Em, vel iam otium est.

Oho! I’m at leisure this minute, for that matter.

_Hegio_

I modo, venare leporem: nunc irim tenes;
nam meus scruposam victus commetat viam.

No, no, go hunt your hare: you’ve got only a hedge-hog so
far. For it is a rocky road my table travels.

_Erg._

Numquam istoc vinces me, Hegio, ne postules:
cum calceatis dentibus veniam tamen.

You’ll never down me that way, Hegio, and don’t you think to
do it: I’ll be with you just the same--with my teeth shod.

_Hegio_

Asper meus victus sane est.

My meals are perfect terrors, really.

_Erg._

Sentisne essitas?

Tearers? Do you eat brambles?

_Hegio_

Terrestris cena est.

Well, things that root in the earth.

_Erg._

Sus terrestris bestia est.

A porker does that.

_Hegio_

Multis holeribus.

Mostly vegetables, I mean.

_Erg._

Curato aegrotos domi. 190
numquid vis?

Open a sanitarium, then. (_turning to go_) Anything else I
can do for you?

_Hegio_

Venias temperi.

Come in season.

_Erg._

Memorem mones.

(_cheerfully_) The suggestion is superfluous. [EXIT.

_Hegio_

Ibo intro atque intus subducam ratiunculam,
quantillum argenti mi apud trapezitam siet.
ad fratrem, quo ire dixeram, mox ivero.

(_sighing as he looks at the back of his prospective guest_)
I must go in and reckon up my bit of a bank balance, and see
how low it is. Then to my brother’s, where I spoke of going
before. [EXIT INTO HOUSE.

ACTVS II