Chapter I: ANAZUMA—Japanese shave-proprietor (6)

DEAREST SIR—One thousands of year previous to now time-date what was heard in America from both ends? Howeling of savages who enjoyed it. What is heard by to-day time? Considerable more howeling, thank you; but it is being did over Columbus, Mr. Editor, Hon. New York _Journal_ telephone. Before discovery of Manhattan by was embarrassed for awfully little quantities of scientifick interest to print. By present time of date Hon. Reporter for them _Journal_ are heartsick to keep 100 years ahead of feetsteps of Science for Sunday edition. Such is vast straddel of Modern Education. If all them Scientifick Fact I read about is truthful, then this world of which we live are getting along too fastly to be good-healthy. If it keep on going at thus rate some day Chicago will explode & be off map.

Science, Mr. Editor, am a very benefital thing when took in moderate doses. It keep Professors from going to Congress, it make murder-by-machinery very pleasant and give Naval Construction Board chanst to insult itself. Yet do Science of such quantity compel persons to be more happier in sweetheart surroundings of home-life? Simple candlelight of our New English ansisters beampt on happy glow-faces of dear family gathered at table-cloth to eat local bean off cob. Do Newport Father & Mother of present to-day felt more entranced setting below 100 horsepower chandelier awaiting, O so vainly, for their female daughter to elope with some Duke of foreign arrival? To disappointed heart, Mr. Editor, Science can’t do nothing despite of electrick fans, all-night elevator and 5-day Cunard to Liverpool. Electrick fans are impossible to drive away Hon. Care, all-night elevator can’t not lift a sorry man out of himself and it ain’t no use to go Liverpool in one 5-days boat if Hon. Trouble have got there first.

In newspaper-press I see about one Professor of Oklahoma University which discover a very surprised Science. He have found how to do it to abolish Old Age by electricity. Following is recipe to do it at home:

1—Choose one ripe old man enjoying decline of years.

2—Take him in very dark room and soak him 24 hours in bath of
sulphurick acid.

3—Rub to delicious dryness, simmer him over oil stove & expose
to sunstroke, 20 minutes.

4—He is then ready to abolish by electricity. Do this by
fastening storage battery to base of brain and increasing dose
till 105 centigrades is enjoyed.

5—Old man ought to be pretty active by this space of time. If
not he is too spoiled. Try another one.

I am excitable about this recipe, Mr. Editor, because I got one Grandfather residing in Yeddo who is now 97 old and will not keep very longer in that climbate. If I arrive back to dear Japan before he pass off I shall do friendship duty to abolish Grandfather by electricity.

* * * * *

In newspaper press I discover about Sir Olive Lodge, nearly related to Senator Lodge from Boston. Hon. Sir Lodge say-how that disembowled spirits of departed dead-ones is frequently discovered by Science. By evening time, say Hon. Sir Lodge, when intelligent person is setting alone to unrobe by bureau he must be sensitive about knocking. You hear _bump-bump_ on high wall-paper of bedroom? That are not cause by Hon. Johnson, boarder upstairs, dropping shoes to carpet. My nervus sakes! What is? _Thump-thump!_ It is wireless Ghost from Away Off trying to act interesting.

“What require?” you must ask to know from Hon. Ghost.

“I am Napoleon Bonaparte,” say Hon. Ghost by signal-practise. “I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington.”

“What to say to this Hon. Charley?” you dictate for answer.

“Don’t be too dam fierce about Predatory Richness,” say Napoleon Bonaparte to Charley Bonaparte. “Remember us Corsican family got ours by tooking it.”

He is going to say-so some more, but is shut off by Central for them profane swear he said it.

Hon. Edison say-so he is going to make one invention of Spiritualistick Telephone so Americans can talk with dead persons more conveniently. This will be nice subjeck to improve. By present method when persons wishes to correspond with Ghosts, etc., they must go to Medium who require 50c to throw herself into trances and connect you with wrong parties. But when them Spiritualistick Telephones is invent them conversations with graveyards may be got for price 10c sum. On them happy time Japanese Boy can go to any telephone booth and require of lady Operette.

“Hello, thank you! Give me to telephone 3604 Spiritland, please! Yes sir! Hello-it—is Hon. Wm. Shakespeare residing there to talk? Thank you again! Is them you, Mr. Shakespeare? One question to reply for Japanese Boy, please. Who wrote them trajick of Julius Cæsar? Hon. Bernard Shaw?—No?—He improve it, you say? Oh, them ain’t no news! Hon. Shaw know that already. One more reply, please—hello—get from off the wire, please, Mr. Thackeray!—”

I am sincerely to hope that persons will get more better telephone service between Here and Hereafter than between San Francisco and Oakland.

An eminent surgery of Columbus University have invent new species of laughter-gas call “electrick sleep.” Both tooth & appendix might be pulled by this Science, Sydney Katsu, Jr., tell me. Hon. Patience will be in bed dreaming of something different while everything is removed. Electrick shock is applied to loeb of brain to create calm which is followed by whatever knifing is necessary to create a good-healthy. Absent treatment may be gave by connecting victim to telegraf wire.

Hon. Prof. Monsterburg have devise one crafty Machine which can discover prevaricus Liars by clock-work. This Hon. Machine are called a Ananiascope. The apperatux is glued to mouth of one poor malefactor what is telling his testimonial to Hon. Judge. While that poor malefactor say truth Hon. Machine remain very polite about it; but when he say lie, then Hon. Machine is so shocked that it ring one alarm clock & that poor malefactor enjoy lock-away in jail. Hon. Machine have not yet been experimented on mouths of rich malefactors. Some says it will be took to White House soonly. Some says it will not be necessary there.

One machinery of name called “gyroscope” is very immediately to revolutionize in circles. This wonderful whirler can be put on any railroad train, and beholt! with immediate quickness them train proceed along on one wheel. Irish gentleman what invent that gyroscope promise for it to do everything. It will abolish all crimes of railroad, including accidents, collisions, rebating, lobbying & Pullman porters. Hon. Harriman will be very fond of them gyroscope railroads, because they will be run on one rail. Railroads with 1 rail can merely be fined ½ as much by Interstate Commerce Commission.

This week, Mr. Editor, them mysterious problemb of Mechanical Flight have been solved by Hons. Bell, Farman, Wright, Santos-Dumont & Ben F. Tillman. Lighter-than-air baloons is no longer consider in vogy. Hotter-than-air machines is now fashionable for flight. Hon. Bell make sensationous flight of 8 seconds and travel 14 feet, breaking New Jersey record & machine. Hon. Tillman stay up in air 2 hours 14 minutes and travel from Panama Canal to Philippine Tariff, landing with considerable jar on the Administration. This break Congressional record.

Famous Doctor of Switzerland have discry sure cure for cancer by moonlight ray. If this do not discourage the finest cancer in 10 lessons it can be used on tuberculosis with equal benefit of result. This is a very positive remedy which have only been known to fail in cases where persons has really got cancer.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, them is but a few number of Scientifick renovations discover by me in this morning press. I am not doubtful that I could found a great number of more by looking in more yellow colour of news. Science advances, Mr. Sir, according to speed of paper for which you subscribe to.

In age of Wm. Jennings Bryan there was one famous Frenchman, Hon. Jules Verne, who write polobrious adventure-book about flying to moon on cannon-ball, tripping from New York to Pekin by subway & annexation of America to Africa by floating islands. In age of Roosevelt Hon. Verne is consider one very truthful old gentleman, but too slow & quiet about telling facts. Any Hon. Reporter on newspaper what can not discover more exciting scientifick news for morning edition would be suppressed for lack of talents & put to writing real-estate forecasts on back column.

Time of Medieval Superstition are pass-by, Mr. Editor, and I am congratulate on it. Christians is very skeptic about believing that Hon. World are schedule to come to end-up because of sins. But if extra edition of _Morning Bagpipe_ should make red-tipe announcement:

!!WORLD TIPPING OVER!!

SIR ARTHUR WALLOP, NOTORIOUS SCIENTIST SAY, “EARTH IS
OVERLOADED ON EAST SIDE!”

INHABITANTS OF CHINA MUST MOVE BEFORE
AWFUL SPILL!

If I seen them headlights on paper, Mr. Editor, I would enjoy great fright and spend 25c to get more later editions.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, I did not noticed your signature among them 97 rulers of America mentioned in statistick of Hon. La Folette. Maybe I subscribe to wrong paper.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—Will Mr. Abruzzi be entitled by marriage to seat in U. S. Senate? I am confused for reply.

H. T.

XXVIII

THE HON. MARS

SAN FRANCISCO, September 30th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper who make me to think of
astronomical subjecks._

DEAREST SIR—Considerable scientists has been making observations of Hon. Planet Mars by very recent time; so I have also been doing so by use of opera-glasses which I borrow secretively from Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry. For time of several nights I have regarded this Star with fixed eye for long moments together, but I have not enjoyed to discover them famous Canals because I not could see them, thank you. And yet perhaps this was no fault blame of Hon. Mars, but of them disgusting Katsu glasses what are dimmed all over and enjoy breakage of right eyelid. This must make very wrong astronomy.

However is, I am excited to wrote Popular Science about Hon. Mars because any intelligent person can do so after turning eye-glasses to heaven.

Is Hon. Mars inhabited by people? is question for Japanese Boy. Even if-so it is, why should Americans become excited about it? We know by thoughtful knowledge that nearly all places is inhabited by something. Are we not-so familiar with fact that Ireland is inhabited? No excitement about that! Does we not know exactly that New Jersey is inhabited? No excitement about that, except on Presidential year! Then why should Hon. Mars receive all this free advertisement? I ask to know.

American scientist say, “In near adjoining future we shall make talk with them Mars persons.” So foolish to try! We are acquaintanceship with too many people already. Then why should we travel by telescopes trying to make back-talk with stars? Maybe Americans will be peevishly careful about associating with Mars persons when they see them. Maybe American labour unions will send letter of protest to Emperor of Mars about allowing them disgusting immigrants all over California. Maybe coolie gentlemans from Mars will try get job of work in Vancouver cannery and enjoy kick-out by race-riot. Oh! such delicious laugh for all Japanese Boys!!

No, Mr. Editor, it is a very nervus task for these U. S. to encourage foreign relations with stars, planets, islands and other heathens what they do not know nothing about. America one time did open up Japan in them careless manner and very soonly she have one Yellow Peril on fingers. By same operation she open up Philippine Islands and immediately Hon. Taft become embarrassed by enormous family of brown complexions. If Hon. Roosevelt is appointed Emperor of America once more-time would it be convenient to send Hon. Taft on trip to Mars to make once more Manila speech about “Our Little Green Brother?” I ask no reply.

* * * * *

No human person have yet been to Mars with exception of Hon. H. G. Wells, who stops at nothing. So he write freely for the Magazines. He go to Mars, he say, with letter of introduction to Mayors, Politicians, etc., and have intimate & confidential chatter with them inhabitants. These Mars persons, say Hon. Wells, lives in elaborate cities what closely resembles Coney Island. They are very swift about place-to-place movements which is done by shooting the chutes. By government they are Socialistic with a Pianola attachment. Children of these Mars persons is born in incubators and educated by Absent Treatment. The inhabitants of Mars is delightfully different from the inhabitants of Maine. The inhabitants of Maine talks through their noses while the inhabitants of Mars talks through their ears.

Mars, say Hon. Wells, is so circumscribed by light-minded atmosphere that persons can talk there on heaviest subjecks without enjoying pain. Persons with feathers sprouting from them in inexperienced places may be seen in baloons speaking about Tariff, Aldrich Currency Bill, Ultimate Destiny of College-bred Womans and other topical thoughts what can be dropped in that delicious atmosphere without causing sounds. This planet is pretty ideal. Old Age has also been abolished by Congress.

Mr. Editor, if Mars is like Hon. Wells say it is, somebody should be punished for discovering it.

Some other Professors has wrote for magazines about this Hon. Mars in very statistical language. Sydney Katsu, Jr., when he arrive to remove me from them opera-glasses, show me one respectable magazine full of alarming portraits of Mars with stripes all over it. He say they was took by Hon. Prof. Lowell, an astronomy who went to Arizona.

“Why should a tame Professor go to Arizona?” I require with suspicious expression.

“Hon. Prof. Lowell go to Arizona to see Hon. Mars,” collapse this Sydney.

“Do Hon. Mars live in Arizona?” I deploy for ignorance.

“It is estimated to be beyond it,” signify Sydney.

“You are a very toothsome dentistry,” I dally forth. “Please, then, told me what species of Politics is enjoyed by this Hon. Mars?”

“Hon. Mars is solidly Republican by Politics,” say Sydney, “because I am aware.”

“What make you so aware?” I require for curiosity.

“Because-so this,” manifest Sydney. “Some distinct Professor say in Magazine, ‘Mars is considerably cut up with 10,000 Panama Canals!’”

“What do this prove about Hon. Republican Party?” I require.

“It prove plenty,” say Sydney. “Would Democratic Administration dig 10,000 Panama Canals on such a planet? Would Hon. Henry Watterson permit such a great shovel? Ah, no!! Republican Party is blame for putting all them surgery on face of Mars!”

“Them 10,000 Panama Canals must took several Presidential terms to dig it,” I say for philosophy.

“Third terms is often followed by more of it in some Solar Systems,” embark this Sydney with J. B. Forker expression.

In discussion of how get there to Mars we was considerable discouraged persons, thank you. Railroads might go there by Government Ownership, but would they? Distance from U. S. to Hon. Mars is a very extensive row of arithmetic. In speaking of such compendious figures it is easy to drop several millions of miles without feeling bad about it.

“Such a trip is too expensive,” said Sydney. “If one Japanese Boy desiring to go to Mars should travel all over Earth and collect $1 eech from eech man, womans & children, he would not yet have sufficient money-pay for trip to Mars.”

“If I had possession of such ability to collect $1 apiece from all mans, womans & child of this Earth I would not be particular about going to Mars,” I renig with American eye-wink.

I then go to bed for brain-ache full of astronomy.

* * * * *

While setting at my bureau to-night I drop inkstand and look uply at midnight sky, but I discover its absence because there is not no window in the frugality of my bedroom. So I am satisfied to read one newspaper-print which is published on Earth each evening. I read about Hon. Aldrich Porous Plaster Finance, some useless information about Hon. Terry McGovern, some intelligent elopement of Bank Presidents and several other crimes of etiquette with portraiture on front page. But there is no news about Hon. Mars. So I am supposing that nothing happens there frequently. That is a nice fact to know about Mars, if nothing else is discovered. It is pleasant for Japanese Boy to imagine that this planet is not civilized like Hon. Wells and other prophets say-so about it. It is sweet to thought that none of them machinery like sky-scrape, elevator, hot-and-cold-water, subway & gasolene is inhabiting that Hon. Star. How much more dearer would it be for Japanese Boy if Hon. Mars was just one plain-finish Planet where refined persons could go after death to set inside their souls and get away from this noisy panick of ottomobiles!

Therefore I got a poem—

_TWINKLE, TWINKLY, LITTLE MARS_

Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,
How I am mistaken to understood you!
So far removal
That you are wholesomely educative to Hashimura Togo,
If nothing else.
Isn’t there not something about Stars
Similar to Ladies?
I bet it there is!
Sometime, by watchful gloam-time
Loving gentlemen sit to watch for come of Fiancee.
He look—— Ah!
She is approaching with light feetsteps.
He feel so exclamitory——
Then, of suddenly,
When she is so near as to be more accurately inspect by eye,
That lover seems mistook;
So disjunctive!
Alast!
It is not her of which he waited—
It is some other else
Wearing similar ostrich in her hat.
She is maidenly, but elderly.
That lover reverences her respectibility,
But he is considerable quiet about it.
“Good evening, Miss Murphy,” he say,
Then make fudge exclamation in deep breath
And depart by trolley-ride.
Are you like them things I told, Mr. Mars?
Are you more suitable for astronomy
Than for farming?
Are you nice for telescopes,
But poor land for potatoe-grow?
I enquire.

Twinkle, twinkly, little Mars,
I demand you this:
Reply with some intelligence to answer about yourself, or else
I am suspicious.
Can you guarantee them Canals
To be entirely
Antiseptic? No malaria, no mosquitos?
Good place for Japan-American Annual Picnic?
If you have not got no Oceans,
How can you enjoy
Naval battles, sea-illness, whales
And all summer amusements what proper persons require to be
good-healthy?
If I should go to there, Mr. Mars,
Would you give me contract
For steady job?
Could I have Sunday off, please?—
Or don’t you enjoy them holidays?
Could I have evening-time
To study piano-play
And works of Darwin, Huxley & Jack London?
Could I have good bright room with steam-pipe in winter
And warm bath-room for splunge?
Oh! Hon. Mars, I require to know.
Reply to me in vision of nightmare,
Telegraf in dreams.
Answer before 10 o’clock Wednesday
Because I have got offer to work
In steam laundry of
W. G. Sullivan, Oakland.

This, Mr. Editor, is a fancy poem which expects no reply because it is too literary. Therefore I will accept that Sullivan job. It is more easier to go to Oakland for a laundry job than to Mars for a Cabinet Position.

Hoping you are enjoying some of that financial distrust,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—Last Friday night Japanese Thinking Society wished very much that you was there among it. They indulged a debate on “What is a Superman?” Cousin Nogi say “Theodore Roosevelt.” I. Anazuma say “Bernard Shaw,” but Hashimura Togo say “Arthur Kickahajama is it, because his wife is happy about twins.” I was made a prize for this of 50c which will be Carnegie medal to Mrs. Kickahajama.

H. T.

XXIX

STANDARD OILING ACROSS PARTY LINES

SAN FRANCISCO, October 4th.

_Editor New York Newspaper which ought to act kind of sweet &
gentle to Prairie Dog Refined & Oily Co. of Oklahoma because
they are a Small Dealer and has a Hard Stroggle._

HON. MR.—“There are nothing more meaner and sneeky than to took money from children, cripples & other idiots,” say Arthur Kickahajama yesterday with brite smile of truth.

“There are one thing more meaner & sneeky,” I dib for Loo Darkstutter expression.

“What could be?” are sharp report for Arthur.

“To took money from Standard Oil are more meaner,” I say it.

“Can not Hon. Standard Oil afford to lose such money?” corporate Arthur.

“Ah yes,” I stupify, “but seldom persons can afford to accept it.”

“I could receive such a gifts,” say Arthur.

“Hush it,” are hiss from me; “who knows what? Maybe Hon. Hearst have got you already on sporty page beside portrait of Jno. D. Rockefeller at sinful age of 13. Maybe you are already politickly dead and buried under following headline:

HE TOOK IT!!

PUSSITIVE PROOF THAT ARTHUR
T. KICKAHAJAMA, FOOLISH MISSIONARY
BOY, RECEIVE 2C STAMP FROM
OIL TRUST!!”

“O please excuse!” say Arthur for pale chop. “I have not yet took them Standard Oily money have I?”

“Not yet, but when?” say I nervusly. “You must now be in constant state of collapse. Any moment something might happen. Each hour post-officer might make door-ring with yellow envelop.

“‘Why I get this envelop?’ you require of post-officer with Japanese puzzle of brain.

“‘Perhaps something are inside of it,’ snuggest Hon. Carry-it.

“‘What would be inside of such a envelop?’ you ask to know.

“‘From experience I suspect it are a letter,’ say Hon. Mailer.

“You rap open envelop—and O surely so, it _are_ a letter! It begin with usual form,

“‘MY DEAR SENATOR—I enclose a tiny check for household
expenses. When front porch needs paint & carpenter telegraph me
by wire & don’t mention it.

“‘Your obedient master,

“‘JOHN D. ARCHYBOLD.’

“From envelop fall a slice of paper. You pick up & read with entirely cross eyes. It say $50,000.”

“What I do then?” muse Arthur with moist lips.

“If you are a decent man you will faint slightly. But it are no use. Already you are a ruined Japanese.

“You go forthly to street-walk revolved to lead a better life & brace uply. You should like to be honest. How useless! With quaker feeling of ankles you straggle to saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot.

“‘Please Hon. Mr.,’ you sub, ‘one humbel job for poor Japanese who can still mop away beer at $.10 per hourly payment.’

“‘What references got, please?’ dib Hon. Strunsky.

“You become entirely tonsilitis for answer. Shameful blushes from ears & eyebrows. You gollup & your breath is full of pants.

“‘Speech immediately!’ growly them famous bartend. ‘Already I have 6 costomers awaiting to get drunk. Again I ask to know: What references you got?’

“‘I got here letter from Jno. D. Archybold of 26 Broadway,’ you reject with soul full of clams.

“‘What say?’ dib them Strunsky with N. Y. _Journal_ noise. ‘You come to my clean saloon asking for 1 position of publick trust and are sneekretly carrying around with you a letter what would not be tolerated in the U. S. Senate? You would be noticeable even in Pennsylvania!’

“And with them remark he roll you over beer-kag by family entrance. Night approach and you are alone with your scratches.”

“And what next?” require Arthur with bumped imagination.

“Ain’t no next for you and Gov. Haskle,” are reproach from me.

“Yet a singed worm will twist,” submit Arthur. “Would Gov. Haskle make sweet-dog smile to Hon. Roosevelt when he are enjoying all them delicious scratches?”

“Perhapsly might,” am regard I make.

“What-say famous saw-wisdom?” require Arthur. “It-say, ‘Scratch a Russian and you strike a Tartar.’”

“Scratch a Senator and you strike Oil,” are smart quotation for Japanese Schoolboy.

* * * * *

Hon. Roosevelt have just called Hon. Bryan a Chimera. That were a very mean curse. A Chimera, Mr. Editor, are a horid nature-fake discovered in a vacant lott by Baccus, a prominent Greek drunkard. This queery mammal start in to resemble a goat, but he lost interest in the subjeck about the middle of his body, so he continue on backwards in a squimyform appendix to look like a bow constricktor. The goatly part of this beast, Mr. Editor, are mild and fond of common people and he love to nibble vegetarian diet in Utopia where he live; but the rear extension of that Chimera continue to point in the direction of Wall Street where it make wig-wag signals of distress. The farm-yard part of them Chimera were born in 1896, but the wiggly part were nailed on at the Denver Convention this year.

Hon. John Burro say that animals do not think. The Chimera are an animal. Hon. Roosevelt agree with John Burro on all subjecks.

Hon. Hearst, when he discover Hon. Haskle and Hon. Forker in act of Standard Oiling, done a pretty fine servis to this kingdom of America. When I think of all that good he done I extend my hand to Hon. Hearst—and then apologize to my Hand. That were a pretty nice stab which Hon. Hearst made, not because he hated Haskle less, but because he hated Bryan more.

S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say that Hon. Hearst done what he did for love of truth & justis. Hope so he did! But when Hon. Hearst do things for love of truth & justis I enjoy suspicious feeling of elbow. I am reminded of a mustylogical legend of antique Japan.

Ten thousand entire years before Hon. Darwin discovered monkeys in England there reside in Kyoto a politician name Suki-ho who run for Supervisor on Democratick ticket & was beat by a nother politician name Yen-Yen. When this result was happened Hon. Suki-ho enjoy such angry rages he turn entirely blue & blow smoke through ears. Oftenly he motter, “I make a lay-to for this Yen-Yen.”

One day when it was serious heat of July Hon. Suki-ho meet a entirely mad dog & enjoy being bit on ankle.

“O banzai of joy!” decry this patient. “I soonly shall develop a rabbi. Then I shall bite my dog O-Fido so he will get it.”

“Why you wish bite O-Fido?” require all neighbour for shocky voice. “You got grouches for them nice pet?”

“O-Fido are sweet companion,” arnicate that Suki-ho, “but I shall deelight to see him bite pet dog of Hon. Yen-Yen with a wild germ.”

“You got gruj for them lap-dog of Hon. Yen-Yen?” they ask it.

“Not by no means,” erupt Hon. Suki-ho, “but if I bite O-Fido & O-Fido bite lap-dog of Yen-Yen, then lap-dog will bite Yen-Yen—and _he_ are the sinful crawfishing malefactor I are anxious to get equal with.”

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, they was not no Pastor Institute in them days, so Hon. Suki-ho were hit in skull with pick-ax before he could snarl at O-Fido. And it were too bad, because Hon. Yen-Yen’s dog were a pretty predatory canan.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, what-say Hon. Matt Luther in Germany some bye-gones since? He say, “Be true to your trust and you will get reward in Heaven.” Numberous American patriots has make hark-up to them words of Hon. Luther & been very useful to both Parties. But they got their rewards in several kinds of elsewhere. Hon. Haskle was true to his trust & got his reward in Oklahoma. Hon. Forker was true to his trust and got his reward in bank deposits. Both are good ways to know.

Them two extinguished statesmen are alike to Matt Luther in another way. Hon. Luther enjoyed a Diet of Worms. Hon. Haskle & Hon. Forker are now enjoying a Diet of Wormwood and feeling considerable gall about it. And Hon. Roosevelt are having more fun than he can shake a Stick at.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

_SPIRAL SONG OF AMERICAN CLAW-BIRD_

O screaming!
Last night when it was entirely p. m. by larm clock (kindness loan of
Cousin Nogi)
An American claw-bird
Made perching on my dream
And skreech!
I enjoy a very swift night-horse.
I dream them claw-bird
Approach to me with yellow envelope
Of deliciously oiled appearance.
I ope it for rapture,
Then wisht I hadn’t.
For inside were a note which say
“My dear Senator—
“Please find enclosed check for $30,000 which ain’t here but are on
deposit in second pawnshop around corner. Make eye-wink signal to
clerk and see what happen. We received that pipe-line you sent us
from Washington. Awful thanks. Send another.
“Yours for business
“Jno. D. Archybold.
“S. P.—Mr. Hearst have already got a copy of this letter, so you can
destroy.”

I read them dreamy letter
With laughing soul—
I are famous already!
How proud my Ancestors and their folks will be to know that Hashimura
Togo, ambitious boy, have stole $30,000 and done so honestly!
I put on derby,
I put on gum-slippers
And make sneek-walk to second pawnshop around corner—
But alast!
When I got there it were closed.
I knock-knock—
I hear noise like a mystery behind door-knob,
“Who there?”
“Friend from Oklahoma!” I dib deceptively.

When low!
Door burst outly
And earnest gentleman
With expression of eternal vigilance committee
And Big Club by brite spektacles and teeth
Rush out for hit.
“Haskle!” say he,
“Rascal!” say-me.
“Then you are him!” say angry Vision making dents in my thoughtful
brain.
“No, I are another Haskle,” I choke off—
“I are Jim Haskle,
A far distant cousin,
Or something else.”
“Ha-ho!” laugh them Vengeance,
“Then please to told me——”

But I are saved such humility
By being kicked out of bed
By Sydney Katsu, Jr.,
My share-bunk.
O praise to Heaven,
Praise to Ancestors,
Praise to Sydney Katsu, Jr.,
I have rather be kicked
Out of 1,000 bunks
By a Friendly Foot
Than out of 1 Democratick Party
By a Independence Leg.

XXX

THE HON. BOMB

SAN FRANCISCO, October 14th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper, who is there, I suppose._

DEAR SIR—“Hon. Russia have no Constitution,” say Cousin Nogi from newspaper. “She require to get one with considerable quick.”

“Of what use is Hon. Constitution to got it?” I enquire for answer.

“It is good thing to follow flags,” dictate Nogi who presume so.

“Constitution would have had delicious job following Russian flag in Manchuria,” I collapse with Port Arthur eye-wink.

“Hon. Russia expect to obtain freedom in soon space of time,” simplify this Nogi.

“How she expects to got them freedom?” I ask to know.

“By bombs & bombast,” agitate Nogi.

“Do Hon. Bombs get freedom for persons?” I exemplify.

“Of sure it do!” say Nogi. “If one Revolutional gentleman make step-up to me with hand-clasp full of lit bombs and decry, ‘Give me freedom for Hon. Russia before I excite this dynamite!’ what I reply to them speek? I reply, ‘To be certainly, Mr. Murder. Took all the freedom you require for Hon. Russia and do not worry about returning it.’”

“You are ashamed!” I snub for scorn. “Japanese samurai should not enjoy fear of explosions.”

“I ain’t not afraid of explosions,” he-say. “I am merely modest about loud noises.”

Nogi would make very neat Czar for Russia.

Of recently, Mr. Editor, I hear one Hon. Anarchist speek about them Revolution which is being postponed in Russia. This gentleman is very courageous with whiskers which he wear in all directions. He say following statistick about Hon. Bomb:

“Something are wrong about them Hon. Bombs made in St. Petersburg. They don’t never explode when requested to do so. Hon. Bombs made in Japan is more better for assassinations, because they is very faithful about going off.” This from Hon. Anarchist.

Them truth about Hon. Bombs, Mr. Editor, is difference between all-every-thing did by Russia & Japan. Japanese persons make war; it go off, thank you. Russian persons make war; it sizzle out by oratory. Hon. Bomb of Japan is very energetick & dutiful; Hon. Bomb of Russia is full of free-love policies, vodka, Gorky, shoe-buttons & face-powder. When requested to go off it hesitate with insulting splutters, make deceptive pretence of going to sleep; and when, of finally, it _do_ explode, it enjoy that eruption in vest-pocket of Hon. Nihilinsky, who is waiting on steps of Sts. Peter & Paul to salute Little Father.

Russian Revolution is entirely like that way. Nothing Russian goes off on time. Even their boots is difficult to remove promptly and with their hair it is impossible to do so. Some wise Revolutionals say, “What Russia need is one good program.” So fudge to think! Genius of Russia people is all-time making delicious programs which is forgotten, thank you, before Hon. Duma gets a chance to talk about something else. Russia has greatest statesmen and poorest politicians of all-world.

When Russian Revolutional leader gets took with a dream he say, “Ah! I have got a Program!” Immediate sensation enjoyed among Red Wing of Holy Terror Synod.

“What to do with?” require Hon. Snortsky, Radical Leader from Dynamitovitch Province.

“To read it,” say Hon. Leader. So he fold out following Program which he read with considerable elocution:

1—10.30 P.M. to-night Russian people will meet at Smithsky’s
Vodka Parlours and declare themselves free of the yoke of
Ramanoff.

2—11.30 they will go sneekretly with brass band to grocery
store of Samsky Jonesoff and sign Declaration of Independence.

3—12.30 they will stand together and give pass-key word of
Revolution “Potempotemptomjinvery,” which will be sign for
up-rise of peasants in Baltick Province.

4—1.30 they will go to bed, setting infernal machines for 8.29,
when get-up will ensue.

5—9.30 all common people of Russia will go to Nevsky Prospeckt,
where Hon. Czar & bullet-proof procession will make pass-by
going to Peace Conference at Hague. Hon. Czar, wife & family,
Grand Duke Splurgius, Grand Duchess Nazimova and all other
persons with such names will enjoy blow-up with infernal
machines.

6—Russia will then become Constitutional Republick with plans
furnished by Bluejean V. Debs.

This delicious Program are given to Russian people who, with fanatick enthusiasm, carry it out as following:

1—10.30 P.M. enormous number of Revolutionals meets at
Smithsky’s Vodka Parlours. Speeches, vodka & debate. All
infernal machines cleaned & repaired. Debate, vodka & speeches.
Famous Liberal Leaders made welcome. Vodka & debate. Red Wing
of Holy Terror do some very serious politicks. Vodka.

2—11.30 they all forget to go to grocery store of Samsky
Jonesoff where Declaration of Independence is waiting to be
signed.

3—12.30 they forget how to pronounce “Potempotemptomjinvery,”
so they don’t.

4—1.30 they forget to go to bed.

5—9.30 they forget to go to Nevsky Prospeckt and Czar forgets
to go by in procession to Hague.

Sometime, Mr. Editor, this Program are one trifle more fortunate. Sometime 12 or 13 of common people of Russia remember to go to Nevsky Prospeckt at 9.30, carrying mottoes, flags, infernal machinery & other patriotick devices. Pretty soonly along come Little Father in bomb-proof carriage.

“Gen. Creepoff,” he say to Chief of Police, “what are all them tick-tock sounds I hear like busy day in Waterbury Watch factory?”

“Them,” say Gen. Creepoff, “are infernal machinery of Russian people waiting to give your Majesty God-speed.”

“What time is them machinery set for?” say Majesty rubbing pale nerves at elbow.

“For 9.30 A. M., Hon. Sire,” say Gen.

“Drive onwards, Hon. Coachman,” say Little Father with smiling expression. “Them infernal machinery will not go off before 1.30, because every clock in St. Petersburg is 4 hours slow!”

And so it do happen. Them patent exploders lay in gutter waiting with loud clock-work noise till afternoon-time. They don’t see no aristocracy worth blowing up, so they don’t. But with immediate promptness at 1.30 P. M. all them machine make smash-off and kill parade of Cigar Makers’ Union out on strike.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, one gentleman of New York, of recently, throw bomb to Hon. Police who afterward pick him together from fence & trees. He was Nihilist gentleman who was practising. Bombs is more noisy than pianos when practised on, but they has less endurance. When Hon. Police with club enquire of them Hon. Nihilist, “Why did you done them explosion with Hon. Bomb?” he make reply for answer, “Because-so I am disagreeable about your politicks.”

Bombs is very wrong things to have around when you are disagreeable about anything. I ask to know; what would be result if all persons done that for argument? I am disagreeable about W. Furo who come around with Italian garlick in his voice. Must I bomb him for it? I am offended by Hon. Strunsky, Irish gentleman who keeps saloon. Shall I make bang-up of him because of? Must I explode all labour unions, Democrats, Christians and troubles of life, including Cousin Nogi, who is secretive about my refined shirt he borrow for Sunday next? Ah no! Dynamite are too expensive to be so generous with.

I am regretful, Mr. Editor, to see them foreign species of explosions being brought over to this kingdom of America where murder has always been very simple & democratick. It are nassuating to Japanese Boy to see them Baltick propoganders dropping deathly fireworks into Union Square, N. Y. It is one sneeky trick. How much more honest and straight-fronted are it to see one Southern Congressman shoot negro vote in street-car of Washington! Black Handed Association of Italian secret knife-stick are very doggish case of lowdown deprave; but Night Riding Association of American lynchers is considered very necessary band of patriotick terrors. When Black Handers shoot Italian banker it is call “imported crime;” when Night Riders shoot Southern farmer it is call “American custom.” There are great difference between them acts, but both are good ways to know.

There is some philanthropists what goes around Hon. World bombing kings, emperors, etc., whenever one is met.

“Why you explode them kings & emperors?” I enquire to know of one Hon. Asassin I meet at sidewalk.

“Because-so,” say Hon. Asassin, “by sufficient bombing, shoot-gun & poison of soup I expect to rid Hon. World of its entire rulers.”

“Such childhood thought!” I decline. “When you kill Hon. Emperor, what happen? There is still Hon. President. When you kill Hon. President, how yet? There is still Hon. Sec. of State. Him asassinated, then there remain House of Representators, which might be blew up, but Governors of all States must be also exploded, to remove rulers. Then which? Then there is Mayors of towns to gunpowder, then political Boss of each election district. When them is erupted Hon. Aldermans must enjoy gunshot wound. They are dead. What next? Then city hall employees, street cleaning department, board of healthful & all clerks of city treasury. All buried with funerals. Oh my! We have forgot to dynamite Hon. Police Department. _That_ are a job for considerable chemicals, but it can be done by patient bombing. Pretty soonly nothing of Hon. Police but smoke & occasional brass buttons as souvenirs. What then? Each grown man with American moustache arise to wife and say, ‘I am ruler of this homested!’ Bang for him! Pretty good job of explosion. After this, basso voice of mans is very hard to hear. No gentlemans left in Hon. World except small collection of Hon. Anarchists which is all running for President on Independent ticket.”

“And what must ensue then?” aggrope Hon. Anarchist with bomb.

“Then,” I snuggest, “country must select ruler. Nothing to do but to elect one Anarchist, which do not believe in rulers. Therefore Anarchists boom bomb to each other till all are minus by decease.”

“Banzai!” say Anarchist. “When all are thus dead there will be nobody remaining to be rulers! Such ideal affairs!!”

“Such is wrong statistick,” I say. “When men is all dead, then will be fine politicks for Suffergettes.”

Hon. Anarchist hear this and disjoint himself with groans. When person sets out to explode all Rulers in this Hon. World we have got too large Fourth of July for Powder Trust to handle.

Hoping you will be in time for red flag before blow-off,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—I know it! Last night by street-corner Anarchist oratory say-so “soil of Russia is wet with tear-drops of walked-over peasantry.” Maybe that is trouble with Russian bombs.

H. T.

XXXI

ENJOYMENT OF HUNGER AMONG POOR MANS

SAN FRANCISCO, October 18th.

_To my friendship companion, Editor New York newspaper, which
is a very warm thing._

DEAR MR.—When Hon. Taft make Presedential Speech to idle labouring classes in N. Y. of recently, one Hungry Man in audience send up following question to know:

_“How can I get job and food when I have not got it?”_

Hon. Taft, which had been answering with prompt delivery such fearful difficult questions like “How to shut up the Tariff?” “What was dying speech of Ralph Waldo Emerson?” “Was Hamlet insane?” etc., make moment of solum hesitation before large simplicity of that Hungry Man question,

_“How can I get job & food when I have not got it?”_

For sixty-four seconds of clock-time he pause wiping dew-drop from neck, then, standing seriously with elbows in pockets, he make following famous reply,

“God knows!”

Mr. Editor, I don’t not believe that Hon. Taft referred that reply to higher authority because of ignorance inside of brain. Hon. Taft is kind & wise Judge of considerable practice—then why he not able to answer in 64 seconds that Question what labouring classes have been enquiring to know in North Dakota, South Dakota, Europe, Asia & Africa for 64 centuries? How can he be very nice President for these U. S. if not?

May be-so Hon. Taft will give some serious brain-thought to this problem before nomination-day. If he is too busy with himself to do it, Japanese Boy will told him how to find out. Go, please at once and read editorial-page of Hon. Hearst, where all Great Questions, including marriage, socialism, underwear, care of teeth, religion, horse-racing, etc., is answered to delicious satisfaction of all persons who read nothing else. Hon. Taft would not say “God only knows!” after such instructive course of reading.

* * * * *

But in the meanwhile, what have happen to that Hungry Man? If he is still waiting for meal-time he must be enjoying considerable Social Unrest, because Hunger and Social Unrest are very affectionate chumbs. Hon. Wilshire have heard of this Hungry Man question “How to get food when not got it?” and Hon. Wilshire answer with considerable speed, “By changing the Existing Order of Things.” That is very intelligible reply, but I ask to know: Can that Hungry Man wait for lunch while Hon. Wilshire changes Existing Order of Things?

There is considerable conversation to be heard about changing Existing Order of Things. Maybe so it can be. But some kind gentleman what would change Existing Disorder of Things would receive more solid Japanese Vote.

I. Anazuma, Japanese barber of Taft enthusiasm, deploy, “Hungry Man can enquire of Charity for it.”

I make considerable banzai with laugh.

“Faith, Hope & Charity is celebrated triplets for sculptors to make,” I allude. “Persons must have elaborate amounts of Faith & Hope to obtain some Charity out of them organizations of it.”

“How deserving must poor be to obtain groceries for it?” ask this Anazuma.

So I tell this Japanese barber following yarn-tale of charity while he was putting hair-cut on my head:

Hon. Oscar Casey, dough-baker for wages, suddenly become unemployed by no job. He would be delighted to make bread somewhere, but he is not required there, thank you. So he soonly begin enjoying hunger & faint symptoms of esophagus. He make street-walk to see what. In midst of promenading he observe one intensely beautiful sky-scrape palace with sign on it

“ORGANIZED MAGNATE CHARITY CO.”

“Oh ha!” say Hon. Casey for blissful ankles. “I will apply myself to this charitable place and require some of it.”

In Italian marble hallway Elevator Man meet him to enquire,

“Name, if convenient!”

“I am name Hon. Oscar Casey, formerly skillful at dough-baking.”

“This is very wrong doorway for bakers,” collapse Elevator Man. “Apply to trademan entrance.”

So down to trademan entrance this Hon. Casey go, where he is collided by Hon. Janitor.

“What suffering from?” declaim this Hon. Janitor.

“I am enjoying hunger,” signify this Hon. Casey.

“What degree of hunger?” he inquire to know.

“Thirty-third degree, please,” pacify Casey who is sure of it.

“Have you one Doctor’s Certificate to prove such a conditional appetite?” decry Hon. Janitor.

“I have neglected to get!” profess this Casey.

“Then go get!” say Janitor. “Come back next Wednesday-noon with doctoring Certificate to prove you are habitually hungry; also deliver references from 3 clubs and 2 banks to prove that you are financially responsible.”

* * * * *

Saying-so thus Janitor make slam-door.

Hon. Casey exist, maybe, on Faith & Hope waiting for Charity to arrive by Wednesday-noon. That day he apply again to Janitor of Organized Magnate Charity.

“Have you brung them certificate?” demand that stern office.

“No, not to do, because I feel foolish to,” say Hon. Casey.

“If you feel so foolish,” say Hon. Janitor, “apply for ade to Home for Feebly Minded.” So to Feebly Minded Residence elope that hopeful Casey.

“What required, please?” say lady matron of that weak-thinking place.

“Something to eat it!” demand Hon. Casey. Matron of soft-memory headquarters look very severe with face.

“Why did you not require at Organized Magnate Charity Co. for it?”

“I done so, please,” say Casey.

“And what of?” collapse Hon. Matron.

“They treat me like dog!” say him.

“Quite well,” deploy Hon. Madam. “Then you should apply to Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals for helping aid.”

Hon. Casey limp to Animal Cruelty place, but is kept outside with other sickly dogs while fashionable millinary inside listens to lecture on “Crimes of Vivisection.”

What, then, can Casey do for luncheon which is becoming impatient? Where he go to obtain job of situation? When man ask for work in Pennsylvania they say, “Go to California.” When he inquire for employment in California they decry, “Go to Arizona.” When he report for job in Arizona they proclaim, “Go to Blazes!” But by this time he no can do, because car-fare is too exhausted to continue travelling.

Hungry Man desiring to become criminal might burst in some bank—but what would he find if he did?

* * * * *

I am a schoolfriend of Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, who is a very thoughtful caretaker for shines on all feet with no extra charge for tan & Russian leather. His name, which is pronounce “Frank” in America-language, is called Kurumazitsu Ubunodzuruma in Japanese-talk. Nearly every _u_ in this name is pronounced silently, please, which make a very delicious noise for all Japanese to hear. But America-mans cannot neglect business to finish such words: therefore they say “Frank,” which is good short-order name for Christians to use.

This Frank, who is studying to be a Anarchist, come to me yesterday to use my room-rent.

“One million mans is now idly looking for work,” he-say.

“In what city?” I require to examine. He is hesitated by confusion.

“I am neglectful to enquiry,” he profess. “Maybe it was in New York or Chicago. It is difficult to suspect Syracuse or Toledo of so much idle population.”

“Figures is habitually truthful,” I suffocate in kind voice. “Therefore it is important to discover how to obtain jobs of employment for them 1,000,000 mans.”

“Some 150,000 of them persons belongs to idly wealthy classes,” renig this Frank. “It would be insulting to offer them jobs of employment.”

“I am relieved to hear,” I report. “It is our duty, then, to find work for merely 850,000 human persons who are not now doing so.”

“This is not hard problemb for 2 bright Japanese Boys to answer,” promote that Hon. Frank sharpening pencil.

So with immediate quickness we find employment for them 850,000 workers by following statistick:

100,000 is to have jobs on Police Force which is never sufficiently
enough.
250,000 is to be joined to Stand-up Army which Gen. Hobson requires
to fight Japan or any other friendly Power.
75,000 to be kerosene-sprinkles & encourage mosquitos to
race-suicide.
100,000 to be Bill-collectors & take fines away from Quelled
Corporations.
50,000 circus-riders to join Roosevelt’s Rough Officers’ Class.
-------
575,000 for sum-total who we have got jobs for.

That leaved 275,000 still looking for work which Frank refused to find for them because he was enjoying considerable head-ache. We might have did some kindness of act for them, but could we? If Hon. Taft, when asked “How shall able-body worker get it?” must reply for answer “God knows!” is not Japanese Boys excusable for forgetting a few thousand?

Them 275,000 workers might do digging operations on Panama Canal, but would they? Climbate is too much miasma down so low in the map. Hon. Frank the Japanned Bootpolish say-how that Hon. Roosevelt might move Panama Canal to New Jersey where climbate is more callabrious. This is a very brilliant plan for Congress to ignore.

If them million mans is idly unemployed is it fault of America because? Many American patriots who says these U. S. have very wicked government are persons which comes from Baltic provinces of Russia where common people is not wonderfully successful about governing therselves. Can Pres. Roosevelt obtain cheerful advice from them persons which is only happy when enjoying misery?

Yet it is not best-beautiful thing for any kingdom to have 1,000,000 mans idly unemployed. Hon. Chancellor Day, famous Socialist, say it is all to blame of Pres. Roosevelt who done it. Maybe so it is. In great Christian country like this it is very dangerous experiment to preach the law “Thou shalt not steal.” Panick of fear is apt to follow with general shut-up of factories, trust companies & other religious institutions.

* * * * *

Hon. Forker say, “This kingdom need some new President what will restore publick Confidence.”

Such brightness of idea! Let us have get-together and elect Hon. Forker so that all publick Confidence Men can be restored to power!

Hoping you will be one of them,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—If you have got anything & wish to write it to me by letter, my address of residence is as following:

_H. Togo,_
_Patriots of Japan Boarding and Lodging,_
_Near Water Front_
_Back room by Kitchenette_
_Care Frank the Japanned Bootpolish._ _San Francisco._

Sometime I am not to at-home, but Frank, which is one sweet schoolfriend to me, will poke it under door till I return from permanent seek for employment.

H. T.

XXXII

THE ALCOHOLIC TEMPERANCE MOVEMENT

SAN FRANCISCO, October 22d.

_To Editor of New York Newspaper which is often read by all
Japanese who can afford it, I assure you._

DEAR SIR—I am given to be told by some wise Editors, etc., that these U. S. is now enjoying the temperance of Prohibition in many States and more too. Although I can not notice such a movement in this street, perhaps it is slightly true. In several sections of this kingdom whisky-drunking is becoming unknown by law, salooners is quitting that sinfulness & all bar-keeps is retiring from that public office. In South, army of reform is playing “Marching Through Georgia” on water-pitchers. Is this a truthful news what I hear? I enquire to know, so I can go there, please.

By newspaper print I read this early morning: “Wave of temperance against salooners is creeping in direction of New York.” First I greet this with glad banzai, then I am depressed of thought. Wave of temperate prohibition is on road to New York, but will it arrive there? And if it should do this, what will happen to it when got there? That is problem for Japanese Boy.

And yet I am earnest to say it. Prohibition of drunk is a comfortable blessing to demand, because it is very difficulty for white persons to be tame when exposed to wild beverages. Irish, Swedish, Italian & Jewish is most useful for calamities by feeding them whisky. Japanese is also too patriotic when enjoying bun-bun.

* * * * *

In the great cities of America where persons is brought together for living over each other by sky-scrape apartment the sell of whisky spoil the low layers of society. Labouring classes stop being it because of alcohol poison and other ingredients to be found in it. Labourer so poisoned can not support dear wife & child because he is resting in jail for what he done. This is especially true of Chicago.

Tip-top layers of society also enjoy poison from this liquour curse, but they are less pitiful because they do not rest in jail. Salooners must not be forsaken by wealthy persons because these can still be respected when least respectable. But salooners must be closed up from low layers of society which must continue to work and keep up appearances of great city. If not these, who would?

Whisky is divided into four kinds of bottle by following statistick:

1. Whisky of Scottish descent to be drunk standing up.

2. Whisky of Irish descent to be drunk setting down.

3. Whisky of American nationality to be took in bed.

4. Whisky of patent medical origin to be took before death.

None of these beverages must be taken without family physician. Alcohol do most injury to cities. In country districts it is less harmful because there is more room for it to stampede.