Chapter I: ANAZUMA—Japanese shave-proprietor (4)

“Ask the Motor Man!” signify this Hon. Yosho making buzz-buzz of machinery and disappear with considerable odour. Soonly I hope to become a dear acquaintance to this Yosho who would be a very nice friend for chumb.

Next I go to livery stable where automobiles is kept. There I met Motor Man who suspect me of being Japanese Count ambitious to buy one. I become immediately deceptive. He suffocate me with international courtesy. He show me several tour-cars of delicious machinery.

“How much for price of red automobile?” I enquire to know.

“Red automobile is $8,000 by price, Mr. Count,” he collapse with politeness.

“How much for price of green automobile?” I ask for haughty reply.

“Green automobile is $2,000 for price, Hon. Sir,” he dictate for reverence.

“Quite well,” I retrograde. “Then paint red automobile green and Japanese Boy will take it for $2,000.”

This Motor Man hesitate to do. So he donate to me one cigar of value 25c and we enjoy a very elaborate interview about Hon. Gasolene which is a wonderfully civilized drug. By ancient history, say this Motor Man, Hon. Gasolene was a very hummbel medicine. It was principally useful for removing raspberries from gloves and could be employed in cook-stoves for explosions. Gasolene was next discovered to be one nice chemical for insurance. This gave it publick interest which made it necessary for all forms of motor. (“What is home without a motor?” require little Annie Anazuma, who have a flashy mind for 9 year age.)

Gasolene is so easy to distinguish from cologne that it appear deceptive. “Though lost to sight to memory strong” and “Gone, but not forgotten” was once fashionable for funerals. Them remarks is now mostly heard at automobile races.

Hon. Gasolene will make great civilization for future, say Motor Man. Niagara Falls will be runned by this fuel, machinery of Congress will go by gasolene-motor, farmers will turn horse-stable into garage and gather hay by gasolene. Warfare of future, say Motor Man, will be shot off by Hon. Gasolene. Japanese imperial Horse Guards on prancing motor-cycles will make desperation of charge on Gen. Kouropatkin with light runabout division on left wing while automobile batteries from hills will make considerable banzai with Shimose powder & fireworks. By shot & shell, shout-call, enjoyment of death & wounds, long red line of touring-cars will charge from trenches while all day long them commissary-buggies will make hurry-up trip to firing-line to bring more gasolene from Army Canteen. Japanese air-navy of fly-machines will do something, too, probably, with them 1,000 horsepower aromatic engines. O such delightful banzai! Fierce honking from all sides, sharp report of punctuated tires—Nippon forever! On, men of Nagasaki! Let us shed last drop of gasolene for home & garage.

This is future warfare by Hon. Gasolene. What say Hebrew Prophet? “He smelleth the battle from away off and he yelleth ‘O my!’”

This Motor Man tell me some serious truth about Hon. Gasolene when took internally by victims. It is a very habitual drug like cocktails, cocaine, opium-smoke and Peruna. When continually enjoyed by human interior it make result of one very nervous disease what hon. doctor-book call _locomobile ataxia_. When you have got this sickness, Mr. Editor, you will know it by following course of symptoms:

1—When tour-carring on roadway you suddenly find out you are
too slow.

2—You mortgage on home to buy something of swift red colour.

3—You are greedy to break it. You break record, speed-law &
crank-shaft in short period. Then you break neck and quit it.

4—You go to hospital to forget wife & child.

5—You deceive doctor by honking yourself to death.

If you have done them symptoms, Mr. Editor, you had better worry, because you are a ill person.

* * * * *

One great sporty event is now approaching to Pacific Coast by inches. It is that trip of horse-racing automobiles travelling by snow-plough from New York to Paris. Them automobiles is quite international and has been froze to death in four languages already. They expects to enjoy Alaska & Siberia in the same way. Shuddering is unpleasant to such heroes.

Sydney Katsu, Jr., Japanese dentistry, desire to make bet-sum of money with me for $1. I am an entirely sporting Japanese, Mr. Editor. I am willing to risk enormous sum of money if I am sure I can be able to get it back with interest at some proper percentage. I am disagreeable about any bet what is a speculation; but I am recklus about gambling when it is a good investment. Therefore, what car will win? America car is now most patriotic about getting ahead—yet what would happen to my money if that automobile should enjoy train-wreck while going over Rocky Mountains in Pullman car?

I follow this race for one weektime by press-notice and get these excitable items to inclose for you:

_Monday_—American car drawn by Hon. Bill Pirkins’ tame mare
“Florence” forges 101 yards through snow-drift.

_Tuesday_—Italian-speaking car, driven by 2-mule-power borrowed
from Hon. Rube Brown, make entry to Paris, Neb.

_Wednesday_—Italian mules pass American 1-horse-power mare.

_Thursday_—American snow-plow “Governor Hughes” set pace for
all comers.

_Friday_—Hay is distributed along racecourse by gallant
American troups so that motor-power can stop for lunch.

_Saturday_—French car “Motor-Block” discovered in Chicago
speaking the language.

“How will them motoring-cars go it in Alaska where horses is scarce to find?” Sydney Katsu, Jr., enquire for tip.

“Dogs is very obliging as beast of burden in them arctick,” I relapse. “In Siberia reindeers of very high gear is pleasant for automobiling.”

“Large supplies of Hon. Gasolene is necessary for such trip,” say that light-mind Sydney.

“Large supply of Hon. Oats is more better for fuel,” I relapse with American eye-wink.

Please enjoy this poetry which I make to look like it:

_DREAM WHICH FOLLOWED ESTEEMED DOUGHNUTS I ATE_

O-MOTO-SAN, O-LOCO-SAN,
My soul is agreeable tonight!
Am I? It seems to be I am reclining
Among the Irish-flowers of dear Japan,
Such fragral!
Birds is songing from memory,
Breezes is also there to some extent;
Japanese Boy is there by moonlight
To naturally take it pleasantly—
And yet he do not!!
O why, then? Because this:
Mountain Fujiyama is setting on his breastbone expecting to remain for
conversation about topicks.
Japanese Boy is very polite to this Fuji
Because it is entirely holy.
So he speak gentle,
Gentle like cockroaches waltzing on Brussels carpets.
“O Fuji,” dictate this Boy,
“You are too elderly to mention, place of thundering climate & sacred
mildew, nice peak for sublime thought, also for Hon. Tourist to pay
guide make walk-up—
Excuse me, please, when I express it
How I feel you was more better been
Where you was than where you is.
Therefore I hint you get from off
From my collarbone, if convenient!”
But Fuji, important hill,
Make rumbling from fire in nose.
“Togo,” he say,
“You know what about Japan?
It have got one new god to run everything!”
“What called is this diety person?” I collapse.
“He is called Hon. Gasolene,” say Fuji.
(I make American eye-wink)
“Prior gods of Japan led Simply Life,
Water God turn wheel,
Air God blow sail,
Fire God bake potatoes—
Then what say-so Japan?
‘Too slow!!’
Japan say, ‘Look what’s there!
Why do America wheel
Go buzz-around so fastly?
How she do-it make Waterbury watch
Including soap and other civilization?
How she do-it which make Marquis of St. Louis
Speed-away all time
In red chug-chug jinrikisha?’
Then answer one great Japanese scientist,
‘Gasolene, please!’
With such result,” deject O-Fujiyama,
“Japan get hurry-off-do-quick
Bang-up, slam-down, bust-trust excitement.
Temple bells is rung by steam,
Shrines of ancestors whistle like factory,
Gods of Japan is buying tickets for Nirvana—
So long for all them happy history,
Fare-bye, times of dear gone off!
Japan is getting too smart
For old fashion Volcano.”
With such say-so
Hon. Fujiyama kick Japanese Boy
Outside of his dream.

Wake to dawn-rise, Japanese Boy,
Eject yourself to duty of day!
Morn has came
And hymn of praise is telling about it from 85c alarm clock and doing
so quite well, thank you!

Once more to speak of crime and then not to mention Gasolene again. I hear by editorial print how 12,000,000 mans has been arrested in automobiles for past year. All forms of burglary, including murder & assassination, has been much less arrested than this. Therefore it prove how sinful is automobiles.

American society is divided into two sharp classes with police between them. Them who has automobiles is called Predatory Rich, them who has not is called Propaganders. When Socialism is elected each person will have 1 automobile; but them machinery will be out of style by then-time. Such a discouraging thought to enjoy!

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—I enquire to know from my Cousin Nogi, “Why is automobiles painted blue?”

“To distinguish them from horses which is seldom found in them fast colours,” collapse that idle Japanese.

Is this scientifick fact?

H. T.

XVIII

AMERICA’S BASE GAME OF BALL

SAN FRANCISCO, July 9th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper which have no Sporty Column and
are careless about Which Lickt in Prize Fite exercises, yet are
willing to report all Human Races._

DEAREST SIR—Uncle Nichi recently-time make home-come with extra pink sporty edition of last week New York newspaper-print. He-say, “I buy it because it are a blush-colour to resemble Hon. Police Gazat, sweet family paper.”

On them sporty-page, Mr. Editor, was considerable chatter-talk about baseballing and other crimes left over from front page. There I learn-how one N. Y. gentleman of name McGraw have “discovered two new stars” and I are glad, because Astronomy are a nice knowledge to revere; but when I read “Hon. McGraw have broken a fresh Pitcher” I enjoy tense disgust. Why such excitement about a milkman which are nothing but a Swede born in Switzerland?

Sporty Editor of this paper make a very kind offer by large tipe. He-say,

_“Eech reader of this Page what got a Question to ask it about
Baseballing, please do so & we endeavor to reply if possibly
can-do.”_

So I am very grateful to him & send following Bally question about a Game I seen & got worried:

“Please, when Hon. Knock batt Hon. Ball with knock-stick till it make streek to sky & of finally lower itself followed by Second Basso & 3 Herders while Hon. Knock make running from Bass to Bass & Hon. Ball come more lowly and still lower till 2 Herders hold uply their hands for grabb & downd come Ball & aint caught because someone negleckt to (great rory-yall from bleached seats) so Hon. Knock he gallop-to Thirdly Bass while all struggly to grasp Ball which do a bounce with deceptive expression & Hon. Knock stob toe & fall paralell while running, so Hon. Catch get Ball & hasten with it to where it started from—how much would such a Play count for both sides?”

To-day I receive following reply:

_“Your intelligent letter was read by our Puzzle Editor who is
dangerously dead.”_

Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese boot-cobble, have gone entirely mania on subjeck of Baseballing. He oftenly speaks of White Sox and Giants with voice, and many Japanese Boys supposes he is right. Of recently he come me with National League expression of teeth to say it.

“Togo, we are gathering up a Japanese baseball 9 for play with.”

“How many must be in such a 9?” I ask to know.

“About 15 are sufficiently numberous,” expose Yoni. “There must be 1 Catch, 1 Stopper, 3 Bassos, 1 Pitch—”

(“A Pitch in time saves a Nine,” I report for cute smart quotation.)

“Also 3 Knockers and 6 Herders.”

“What are duties for them Herders, if they got any?” is query I make.

“Herders is most skilful of all ballplays,” parade Yoni. “They must be able to play inside & outside of Grounds. They must be fearless fence-climbers & able to arrive over before Hon. Ball do. They must be reckless about colleckting Ball on 3d or 4th bounce when all others can’t do-so. Lots of teams loses entire games because they has not got enough of them Herders.”

“If you gather up such a Japanese team who would play with it?” I subsist.

“Some Christian team perhapsly,” corrode Yoni.

“Ah not to do!” I dib. “Christian teams is too busy bursting Sabbath among themselves to do baseballing with such a heathens like us.”

“What to do for a challenge?” submit poor Yoni Hashimoto with entirely daff expression.

So I go-see Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, & I say him,

“Who would be suitable team for play-ball with Japanese Schoolboy 9?”

“Old Soldiers Home might do so,” say he rolling beer-kag.

“Is them Old Soldiers athletick?” I require for answer.

“They are entirely cripples,” say Strunsky. “But they are still sufficiently brisk to run circles around such a Japanese 9 what you mention.”

“Are running in circles a necessary skill to do in baseballing?” is next question for me, but Hon. Strunsky no can answer because a U. S. soldier arrive filled with drunk & tell how he got a superior brain to most other Irish.

So I go tell this Yoni man about them Old Soldiers Home what Hon. Strunsky say might be sufficiently athletick. Yoni he go get talefone book and search up residence of such a Elderly home & he find one in Oakland. So sorry I no could go, but I must assist geraniums of Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, queenly lady of 286 pound beauty. But Yoni with entirely yellow baseball 9 composed of 15 Japanese, depart off by noontime ferryboat. Following was on it:

Hon. Pitch—S. Wanda, Japanese socialist.

Hon. Catch—A. Kickahajama, missionary boy.

Hon. Stopper—Bunkio Saguchi.

Hon. 1st Basso—W. Furo, whose brother is still dead.

Hon. 2d Basso—Yoni Hashimoto, Japanese boot-cobble.

Hon. 3d Basso—Cousin Nogi.

Hon. 1st Knocker—Sydney Katsu, Jr., who suppose he can.

Hon. 2d Knocker—Y. Yakamoto, familiar haircut.

Hon. 3d Knocker—Frank the Japanned boot-polish.

6 Hon. Herders—F. Sago, R. Sanjuji, J. C. Shima, B. Ohara, B.
Shimasuki, and a Japanese who call himself Charley Smith to get
a job in bank.

Uncle Nichi, who do not understand sufficient baseballing to do so, were permitted to go long & keep score, also do what fanning was necessary.

* * * * *

By evening-time Cousin Nogi come back looking tired but entirely experienced.

“Who beat it in this game?” were first question for me.

“When you knows you will understand,” dignify Nogi. “Following were the Score:

“Japanese Schoolboys 48
Old Soldiers Home 103”

“It must be very fine game to have such a large score,” I snaggle.

“We merely play 5 Inns,” say Nogi. “Them Elderly Vets was just beginning to get active when twilight arrived. If game was continued to finish them Hon. Score would of got several thousands extra.”

“Tell me entire story of the game,” I collapse patiently.

“It was in second Inn,” debat Nogi for Jack London expression. “Score were then 12 to minus in flavour of the Japanese. Hon. Pitch for Old Soldiers were Capt. Hirum Jones, oldly hero who lost right arm in battle of Shylock.”

“How can a hero be a baseball Pitch when he lost his arm?” are my earnest enquire.

“His left arm were still entirely there,” dib Nogi. “With this he make some very gentle throws. I am next to go batt. I stand uply with brave expression & when Hon. Ball come soring to me I make fierce knock. Ball go to heaven with loud report. (Maddy banzai from Uncle Nichi who was there to fan it.) I make 4 entire home-runnings before them Hon. Vets could find Ball which was roosting in a tree. Then I am put entirely out & Hon. Vets enjoy a Inn.”

Nogi make trajick puff with cigar.

“Hon. Jeremiah Willkins, a sweet soldier who lost 2 legs in Battle of Bully Run, next go batt. He were a very nice knocker, so when he hit ball for high sore he attempt to approach 2d Bass, but are deliciously slow, thank you, because of footlus condition. W. Furo grabb ball quickly & Hon. Umperor yall ‘Out, please!’ When Uncle Nichi hear this he cry for sorrow, ‘O! not to do! what brutal Umperor to put oldy man outside because he lost 2 legs!’ Intense sensations for all Japanese present. S. Wanda, Japanese socialist, approach Hon. Willkins with polite hat. ‘Hon. Sir,’ he say-so, ‘permit me for hellup you make home-run,’ So Wanda, assisted by Bunkio Saguchi & Sydney Katsu, Jr., give helluping aid to Hon. Willkins for 5 home-runs, when he say he are tired so he set down.

“After that,” say Nogi, “it were a very pleasant outing for them Hon. Vets. Eech Old Soldier what go batt are some kind of a delicious cripple & other hon. wounds, so we must also aid _him_ to enjoy several home-runs.”

“How long this loving attention go on?” I ask to know.

“Bye-bye darkness fall & dinner-bell from Elderly Hero Establishment announce quit-time for all. So handclasp were enjoyed with 3-cheer ceremony & we go ferry-boat.”

“103 runs were a hard afternoon for such oldy mans,” I snuggest.

“It were a splandid lesson in politeness for all National Leagues,” corrugate Nogi.

“It were a splandid lesson in bookkeeping for Uncle Nichi who kept score,” was answer for Japanese Schoolboy.

Please print following rhythm for practice:

_FANATICAL POEM ABOUT ICHI-BAN, AN ANTIQUE ROOT_

Ichi-ban
Of Old Japan
He were a famous Baseball Fan—
PIN-PIN
Come in!
He ust to skreech,
He ust to preech
And set for hours upon the Bleech
With howels
& growels
And when the Home Team missed a play them swaring-words he ust to say
was very noted in his day from Fujiyama to Cathay.
He knowed the score
And something more
Of every Team what Pennants bore
In days that was entirely yore.
He knowed the batting-records, too,
Of Hokasai & Tingapu—
O-SAN, O-SAN!
A wildly fan
Was Ichi-ban of Old Japan.

Now Ichi-ban
Them famous man
He stay at Baseball Grounds so long
His Wife she feel there something wrong
Because her husband been away
For 60-night & 60-day.
She very cross. And so, of course,
She go and buy 1 nice divorce
And when it was entirely got
She sell the family house & lott
And runny way from Ichi-ban
With Kokomo, a railroad man.
So all the neighbors they suppose,
“When Ichi-ban come home & knows
What trajick have occur to him
He tare his Wife from lim to lim.”

So K. Batsu,
A neighbor true,
To Baseball Ground he straightly go
For tell poor Ichi-ban what-so;
But Ichi-ban, who still was there, he gaz ahead with fixy stare,
sometime a snort, sometime a sware, but otherwise what do he care?
“Your wife,” say Batsu, “run away.”
But Ichi-ban just snuff & say,
“The Pitcher very punk today.”
Say Batsu, “Worser news I got—
Your Wife have stole your house & lott—
It are a very wrong disgrace.”
Say Ichi-ban with fixy face,
“That nothing!—man just stole 3d Base.”
So Batsu, when them words he hear,
Enjoy some sympathy & fear,
“I sorry, friend, what grief have came——”
“Cut out!” say Ich, “you spoil the game.”
So Batsu for them heartless speech
Leave Ichi-ban upon the Bleech
To snorty sporty howly screech,
To hooty tooty rooty squawk
In latest style of Baseball Talk.

So Ichi-ban, all world forgot,
Stay 7-year in that same spot.
He lose his friends, improve his voice
And live on Peanuts & rejoice
Til one day when the Home Team beat
He got some spasms in his feet
Which gave such banzais to his tongue
He die by shouting up a lung.

So on his Tomb to-day for see
Some Tourists finds this Repartee:
“Ichi-ban
Of Old Japan
Were just a average Baseball Fan
PIN-PIN
Come-in!”

Hoping you will,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XIX

IS A VICE-PRES NEARLY A KING?

SAN FRANCISCO, July 12th.

_Editor New York Newspaper which are responsible for
everything._

DEAR SIR—Noted Greek patriot, Erysipelas, were once offered job of Street Cleaning Department in Athens, Greece, which was then in a very insane state of dirt. Intimides, Mayor of Athens, offer him this job for a insult, because it was. How useless however!

“Ah!” commute them Erysipelas, “I will took such a publick jobs & show what a elegant muck-sweep I can do.”

So he done it by history.

Mr. Editor, some patriot of America should become like Hon. Erysipelas & be a Vice-President without doing a sulk. To be a Vice-President are like such a Street Cleansing job, only it are more hummbel. He are like a street-sweeper without a broom. He are not permitted to carry turkey-dusters or other dangerous fire-arms. He are placed in a very high seat & commanded to set there 4 years enjoying silences. Raking, brooming & dusting are a forbid. If he are caught trying to wipe cobwebs off of Senate with silk handkerchief he are given a upbraid. He enjoy very hopeless position—and yet he might do something for somebody some days. If he start young being a Vice-President might he not work up to good position by this? Might he not, by eventual time, get a job being 3d secretary to German Embassy or clerk in Subtreasury Dept?

I ask for anxiety.

I have just-but & recently become sad about Vice-Presidents. Formerly I imagined it were pretty nice kind of grandeur. Some weeks past-time I hear wildly news & go with run-step to saloon of Hon. Strunsky who thinks politically because he are Irish.

“Hon. Jim Sherman got it!” I collapse for excitement.

“Who in politicks are Jim Sherman?” require Hon. Strunsky.

“He are man what was nominate,” I snagger.

“Nominate for what?” crossly examine him.

“For Vice-President,” I rapture.

“O!” say Hon. Strunsky and continue to wipe beer from glass.

I enjoy falling of face.

“Are not Vice-Presidency almost a kingly job?” I ask to know.

“Almost,” degrade Strunsky with towel.

“What you mean by ‘almost’?” I research.

“By ‘almost’ I mean ‘nearly,’” irritate that Irish patriot. “When a thing are ‘almost good’ it are ‘nearly bad,’” he dib. “When I chase a ferryboat and almost catch it, that do not help me much about arriving to Oakland in time for German banquit. A Vice-Pres are a statesman what have nearly caught the Ship of State.”

“Situation of Vice-President were offered to many Favourite Sons,” I regret.

“It were refused by many Favourite Sons,” say Strunsky, “but it were accepted by a Political Orphan.”

So I leave that Strunsky enjoying feel of considerable depress near shoulder-blade. I have a slammed ideal. Such a useless to young mans studying bookkeeping & stenography of hope to become President some day! It are awfully well to make walk-up by stairway of Fame—but supposing for imagination that foot slipped? Ah then! Japanese Boy might get downdy tumble to be a Vice-President or some other equal crime.

Soonly I meet up with my Uncle Nichi, who are taking lessons in American cigar smoking from Cousin Nogi. My dear ¼ ancestor are permitted to discuss about Hon. William Jenny Bryan because of reverence for ancient history.

“Hon. Thos. Lawson of Mass. have offer $1,000,000 to Hon. Bryan to take it and be a Vice-President,” say-he for news.

“That price would be considerable circulation for _The Commutor_, Hon. Bryan’s newspaper,” I collide. “But could Hon. Bryan do so much for so little?”

“Honour of such office are beyond goldy riches,” dib Uncle who is a farmer.

“Honour of such office are beyond caring for,” I notify for editorial sneers.

“Was not Hon. Roosevelt once a Vice-President?” corrode that relationship of mine.

“Many poor boys has became famous,” I supine. “Hon. Lincoln once splitted rails, Hon. Gen. Grant once deliver kindling. Sometimes a Vice-President, by willing-work industry can lift self from mean & sordy surroundings which he is in to position of self-respect & desensy.”

“What are duties of Vice-Pres, if he got any?” project that oldy man.

“Following duties,” I say, “must be did by him to make everything pleasant, etc.:

1—He must be polite to superiors which is almost everybody
around Washington. He will get great dissatisfaction if he
ain’t.

2—He must have neat appearance, including brushed clothes
& hair. He must not come down to work without a collar on
his neck. Hon. Speaker of House can be very second-handed in
appearance & can eat chew-tobacco before all; but Hon. Pres of
Senate should be at least respectable.

3—He must go to work sharply by 8 o’clock each weekly day.
Sunday evenings he can entertain quiet callers in his room.

4—He must address Cabinet Members by their full title, if they
got it.

5—He must not be seen talking with friends in hallways or
lobbies.

6—He must not swear or wear profane neckties.

7—He must be white-coloured American citizen entirely over 21
years age & must be able to write his name in plain business
hand.

“Them is duties what a gentleman must do to be a nice Vice-Pres of these U. S.,” I announce it.

“Can not anybody do them jobs without enjoying a strain?” ask Uncle Nichi who is a bore.

“Anybody can do them for a short time,” I dib. “But man what can do them for 4 years without some serious side-steps must be a great hero to some extent.”

“Such a mans is considerably limited by law,” abstract-he.

“Either by law or by nature,” I notate for yawns.

(It shall be my duty to make some weep with eye when Uncle Nichi depart away for dear Japan; and yet I shall live beyond such sorrow.)

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, I have a sad mania about that Vice-President. All American school-books say: “Office of President are highest gift within power of people—office of Vice-President are next door to it.” Office-rent should be very high & stylish in such good neighbourhood.

What, then, is the matter with this office that so many respectable & wealthy statesmen refuses to move in? Are gas-pipes in bad condition? Do plumbing need attention to? Are Hon. janitor careless about hot & cold water? Or what?

When Hon. Real Estate man have a office what nobody will took he decorate it up with wall-paper, etc., to look rich. Pretty soonly somebody will be careless & take it. Are not U. S. Government splandid enough business man to repair Vice-President office so that it will not look so dubyus? I require no answer.

I am injured in nerve to see so many grand Americans regarding that _To Let_ sign with eye-wink. Yet what-say following Statesmen about it?

Hon. Cannon say: “I shall be old with dignity.”

Hon. Fairbanks say: “I have tried it, thank you.”

Hon. Hughes say: “It are a hall-room.”

Hon. Haze Hammond say: “Too much salary for repairs.”

Hon. Nox say: “I can hide elsewheres.”

I am confused by such proud answers. To Sydney Katsu, Jr., I inquire: “I can not understand why persons refuses gifts what is offered to take free.”

“Sometimes it is done,” he reject coy.

“Presidency of U. S. are greatest gift of American people. Therefore it are like a barrel filled with diamonds. If I could not got such a jewlery should I not be gleeful to accept a barrel filled with gold?” is question for me.

“You might,” negotiate Sydney, “but you might have shyness about accepting such a barrel if it was filled with gold-bricks.”

Sydney are a very bright Japanese soon to go Harvard Colledge for learn more of it.

Here is a slight lullaby to be chanted to children when they are pained by tooth-cut and therefore anxious about their politickal futures:

_ROCKAWAY CRADLE SONG_

Hush, Mr. Infant child,
Cease it!
Do not irritate your Parent with croup-signals and fret,
Or else do it silently.
Remain harmless a while
And I will make bright promuses
Of future,
Which you must believe
Because you are less intelligent.

When you are a mans
You must not strive
To be President,
Because you can’t.
You are not sufficiently beautiful,
You are less gifted;
How could child of such weak brain like you
Get familiar with White House furniture
And move Cabinets around?
You have not got no Policies,
You could not even scold a Colledge President!
Useless to hope!!
But refrain them tear-drop
Because I got very nice job for you.

Hush, Mr. Infant child,
Repress a croup—
I will make you a gilt promus
For future dates.
Some bye-bye time
If you are always notable for quiet,
Never snap-out,
Never burst windows,
Never run away to study sea-sailing,
Never make bronco-noise
And Wild West,
Never do nothing to nobody
At no time—
Ah!!!
Your loving Parent have got a nice politickal reward for you!
Maybe-so

At Chicago Convention
Of 1940
When shouting are finished,
Excitement are discontinued,
Taft-flags has been all bursted by waving,
Everybody are fatigued out
And Hon. Delegates are counting return tickets while sleeping—
Then Hon. Fame, or Hon. Albany Gang,
Or Somebody,
Will point you out in dark corner
And declaim for earnestness,
“Accept this tag—
You are It!”
Then soonly on slate will be wrote:

_For Vice-President Hon. Hushabye Baby_

Applause from many ushers,
Yawns from all;
You will get picture in papers
And American Publick will decry:
“He got a face like a Trust.”

So dream yet,
Childish infant,
And we will see what we can do
About your future employment.

Mr. Editor, I notice something pathetick by all newspaper-prints. I notice how all say: “Hon. Roosevelt when he refuse to be a President 3 times made a act of noble renunciation.” But what they say about Hon. Fairbanks when he refuse to be a Vice-President 2 times? They say nothing! And yet were it not also a “noble act of renunciation” for that lofty statesman to refuse another run because he were afraid of becoming too powerful? Of sure it was! Hon. Fairbanks are a very Roman character by principals & by residence in Indiana. If Hon. Roosevelt can be noble, then Hon. Fairbanks can be noble also—and yet newspaper children do not make holler about it in streets. Hon. Fairbanks must feel pretty fine inside chest to think how he done a great deed & was a marter without nobody discovering or even suspecting it.

Hon. Washington say-so that a perpetual President would be a King. What would a perpetual Vice-President be then? Please answer by 2c stamp which I have forgotten to put in.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XX

MY CONCEPTION OF THE PRESIDENCY

SAN FRANCISCO, July 25th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper which are eeger to make a fare
judge for thoughts of all Great Mans, however sneeking &
hummbel they may be:_

DEAR SIR—At same moment while I are inking these thoughts for fond reminder, two somewhat immortal Americans is listening for formal announcement that they are expected to be Presidents. They have got a slight suspicion that maybe they was mentioned for some job, but it would be very bad tasty for them to look otherwise than surprise when Hon. Committee with flours make step-up and say-out, “You are a Nominate!”

Hon. Taft are at Warm Springs training for strength so that he will not die a shocky death when he learn this suddenly. At humbel village of Lincoln, Neb., where Hon. Bryan live like a Grand Duke of simple taste, that eminent representator of Common Persons set by bay-window enjoying nervous collapse.

“Set quiet, Hon. Wm., and look courageous like a photo,” say Hon. Wife to be. “Tumult & shouting die and who knows what?” “I are strangely disturb,” say Wm., arranging his face to look like a famous Roman janitor. “Something tell me that maybe I are nominate to highest office in gift of Tammany Hall. Pretty soonly Hon. Committee must come riding up-hill to say it, and I hope they will be darnly quick about it. At first I must be astonished speechless—but I can seldom remain long in such a conditions. I must hesitate & comprise myself with slightly cracked voice for emotion, then I must read typewritten address of 280,000 words of a entirely impromptu nature. O surely Politicks is filled with surprises!”

Mr. Editor, some weeks in passed-by Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan wrote a delicious page of large tipe for your paper on subjeck, “My Conception of the Presidency.” Of surely them two Presidents know what-is they are talking about. Speeches of Hon. Taft is found in rolls of Fame, and speeches of Hon. Bryan is found in rolls of Edison Phonograf. And yet there was something deceptive & sidewise about them articles they wrote for your paper because they sounded so. Hon. Taft say:

A President should be like Hon. Roosevelt, only less so. He
should be like a piano of upright build with some grand square
qualities. He should be the First Magistrate and also the
Principal Policeman in the kingdom. He should be good as he
are lonesome. He should treat all Trusts in a beastly manner
and uphold Truth & Justice so long as it do not hurt National
Prosperity. I shall do all these things, thank you, orders
promptly attended to, telephone service day & night. Also I
shall look just as much like Hon. Abe Lincoln as health &
strength will permit me to do it.

Hon. Bryan say:

A President should be like Hon. Theodore Roosevelt only more
so. Malefactors, etc., needs not cringe off from me for fearful
that I will burn up America when I am elected. Because I can’t.
A President are only a bluff. He don’t amount to a rolling-pin.
Hon. American Govt. are a system of checks & balances, so a
President are deliciously powerless when he wish to reform
it. I promise to be helpless as possible. Could I reform Hon.
Currancy from jaggy path of debochery by feeding him Gold Cure
or something? Ah no! What could I do with them naughty Currency
when Senator Alrich are tempting him away with rakish eye-wink?
To increase weakness of my position I am willing to consult
Hon. Vice-President on all matters of no importance and talk
kindly to him on National subjecks where common-sense are not
expected. I believe in deep breathing & outdoor exercise, but
I are cross about that woolley tariff of sheep and should be
insulted if offered a second term. Otherways I are willing to
act like a Majority on all occasions and what I think about
Brownsvill Affair are a matter of private conscience which I
refuse to discuss by advice of Hon. Campaign Manager.

Mr. Editor, I entertain some scolds for you. How sinful to ask them there Hon. Candidates to write such opinions! When a man expect to be a President do you expect him to tell the candied truth about what he think of the job? When a man are nominate for Dog Catcher he are often sly and deceptive before election—how then you expect a Nominee for Pres. of the U. S. to make crystal speeches which might be saw through at once and spoil everything? Nobody what are wistful about a job will tell exact truth about what he think. If I ask for job of Hon. Window Wash at Mills Bldg & Janitor Boss say: “Hashimura, told me transparently what you think of this job”—what I answer for reply? I-say: “It are a very delicate job of extreme fineness. It are a high-horse privilege for Japanese Boy to be able wash windows for Hon. Mills. Though it require great skill & couredge to shine such lofty glass pains, yet I flatten myself that I got such a power more briskly than other Japanese Boys which is apt to be laxy in sense of duty where it should be tightest. Hon. Janitor, I feel myself unworthy of such a jobs, yet I know I ain’t. Therefore give it to me because of merit.”

I say all them things, Mr. Editor, because I am a candidate for them high post of Window Wash. Therefore I am prejudicial about it. But if Hon. Janitor ask Cousin Nogi, who do not desire such a jobs because of his lazy spine, what-say Cousin Nogi? He-say: “A Window Wash require some muscles, but very little intelligence. Hashimura Togo are not safe to stand on such a altitudes because he thinks poems; therefore if he gets it he will swim off of 10th story window & burst his fooly neck.”

Hon. Taft & Hon. Bryan are too sympathetick with such jobs to talk straight. Why not ask some gentlemans what never expects to be White Housers to give view on Presidency? Hon. Hearst on “My Conception of the Presidency” would be very bright & could get Hon. Brisbane to write it for him. Hon. Alt. Parker, Hon. Patty McCarren, or Hon. John Wanamaker would talk deliciously true & sinical. But do not ask Hon. Forker, please, because he would write it “My Conception of the President” & decuss other nigger problems which are no longer a delicacy.

* * * * *

I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, where I go for get my cheek whittled, say-me: “Who could express such a conception about being a Pres., and not lie about it?”

“I could,” is answer for me. “I am best befatted for such a talk because I are entirely unsympathetick & not entitle to a white vote like Hon. Booker Washington and other darks.”

“Why you no write such a conception for newspaper?” is snuggestion from him.

“I are not yet requested,” is erupt from me.

“You are a modish violet,” is vocal from Hon. Suds. “Therefore say it secretly.”

“If I was President,” I rake out, “I should be divided into 2 parts. The ½ part of me should be radikal & kind of dangerous; but the other ½ portion should safely set upon the Constitution and keep it pressed.”

“Would such a double lives be decent?” commit Hon. Anazuma.

“In such high positions, yes,” I dabble. “A ideel Pres. of these U. S. should be a cross between Theodore Roosevelt & Chester A. Arthur. With one hand he should affectionately protect the interests of the People while with the other he should be nice to the people of the Interests. If it are necessary for him to be 2 places at once he must go there. When requested he must attend a Idaho Miners’ Noyesy Barbecue full of malice for them Hon. Malefactors; but he must not neglect a invitation to Insurance Scandalous Banquet where he can set by Hon. Paul Morton and talk like a Injunction.”

“So shocky!” say I. Anazuma with razor. “It are shamefully difficult to shave such a two-faced Japanese.”

“In antique times of pagan Rome,” I dib, “there was a deliciously heathen god named January who was able to look in 2 directions with a double face. On one side he had a face like Hon. Judge Landis, on the other a expression like Hon. Judge Grosscup. When malefactors of great wealth go to Judge Landis side of them two-face idol they was filled with shivvers because of their sinful rebates; so they crawl around to Judge Grosscup side and was forgiven. But when malefactors of great poverty get in front of them Grosscup face to make kick against Olive Oil Trust, they almost went to jail for their crimes, so they hurry around to Judge Landis face and was comforted to know that taking rebates from Harriman was sinnier than taking silverware from a Soldiers’ Home.”

“I am delicious to know,” say Hon. Anazuma who are studying to be a Y. M. C. A., “that them heathen idol January were bursted by hatchets of early Christian parents.”

“He were finally bursted,” I rebuke, “but he last for several 1000’s of year & were a nicely successful god. He were popular like a circus for long lines of Hon. Politicians what wish to learn-how. What-say Mr. Vergil, famous Roman poeter, about them god January? He-say, ‘Get there, January!’ which have been a politickal motto every since.”

“Have that disgusting January got any temples in America?” require Hon. Anazuma.

“In Pennsylvania State Capitol there is pagan pictures of Hon. Mat Quay and other local gods,” I dib deceptively. “I shall not be wonderful if portrait of Hon. January are grafted among nearly everything else in that famous art saloon.”

“When you are President how you stand on publick ownership of R. Rs?” require Hon. Barb.

“About publick ownership I are safely insane,” I report. “Publick should be allowed to own R. R. gradually. With each Pullman ticket Hon. Passenger might get a blue transfer which entitle him to 1 share R. R. stock if he present it at office of Sec. of Agriculture 2,000,000 years from date.”

“Would American people get such a ownership then?” ask he.

“What say Wm. Jenny Bryan about publick ownership?” I reject. “He-say, ‘Publick ownership of R. Rs must take place in eventual time,’ Them 2,000,000 years from date will be a ‘eventual time,’ won’t it not?”

“In 2,000,000 year what would American publick own?” are question for Anazuma.

“At least they would own them blue transfer slips,” I renig with deceptive expression of a Campaign Contribution.

* * * * *

Late Sunday P. M. Arthur Kickahajama give to me for Campaign Contribution a live dog which is a Hon. Pup. It are a very infant mammal with a emotional tail and cultivated by flees. Arthur rescue them Dog while being kicked from a wharf by a educated gentleman who was drunk.

“It are a vulgar variety,” I snip for objection because I are nervous about expensive food for such a dum friend.

“It may grow up to be refined,” say Arthur carelessly.

“What breed of Dog are it?” is next fuss from me.

“Not certainly sure,” say Arthur. “Hon. Strunsky who are a sport say ‘It are a he-dog,’ so I suppose it are such a breed.”

I regard this Hon. Pup with thoughts. He throw me a very doggy gaze & thump banzai on floor with his snubbed appendix. My heart become soft-boiled with love. I can’t not turn a dog away in such a hot weather when he are apt to be bit by a rabbi & get it. So I possess him by chains and enjoy worry about his breed which are full of spots with a bursted ear.

S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, say he should be named “Tariff” because he need revising immediately. Cousin Nogi announce, “He should be named ‘Injunction’ because he were kicked off a platform.”

“I shall not call such names to a mere dog,” I gratify. “Therefore I shall chrisen him ‘O-Fido’ what was name of a famous Japanese grocer what live happy for 1,000 year and died from being too joyful.”

So I got O-Fido in bedstead with me where he practise barks at Hon. Rats all night till Japanese persons sleeping in this house can not do so & report tearful complaints to Hon. Landlord who is a malefactor & say: “You are a nusance besides 3-week remit with rent.” Moral of this is: Be kind to them dum beasts & you will get paid off.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—Who will be the First Baby in the Land now that Quentin Roosevelt have refused a Third Term? Little Charlie Taft are studying childish pranks so he can hold them position of Publick Cuteness. Hon. Steam Shovelers’ Union of Panama is first to give Hon. Taft a union card. Hon. Steam Rollers’ Union should be ashamed of their slowness!

H. T.

XXI

HOW AMERICAN ADVERTISEMENT DOES IT

SAN FRANCISCO, July 28th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper who might know list of
peculiarities._

DEAR MR. SIR—Please to ask some of your customers who read that dear paper to tell one necessary reply to poor Japanese Boy who is again in condition of not working. Please ask them how best for cheap money I can advertise myself as needing situation of employment at wash-dishes, table-wait, being valet or teaching American language to Japanese or German foreigners. I put in the following itemized appeal into San Francisco newspaper-press:

WANTED—Japanese Schoolboy is earnest about something to do,
and can speeck Japanese or American while doing so. Can make
beds politely, cherish house-plants and assist cow or horse of
good family. I perform most difficult duties when confined to
kitchen and can persuade Pianola to go when excited. Answer it
immediately. Maybe that will be too late—Response, Togo, this
news.

That correspondence cost me price of $1.85 obtained by borrowing. I am depressed about results and confused to think. This morning I see that advertise in newspaper-press where I put it. But sakes of life! how difficult to see it! I look in Wanting Column of this journal-paper and find such disgusting number of persons was pleading for jobs and was crowding all over that page saying so about it. Very few of these offered to do such talented things like I did. And yet I was No. 114 in that list of workers! It is very difficult for pride of Japanese Boy to read about himself in such small print.

Of suddenly I enjoy one serious brain-thought. Advertising is one beautiful national custom which Japanese Boy must learn before becoming complete. It is habit of these U. S. persons to print statements of their virtues and hand it around. In Japan when spring of love-time come along persons deliver little lily-pad plants to doorstep and remind friends of their aliveness. In these U. S. persons at approach of springtime deliver advertisement-circular for same reason. Hon. Dr. Smith, dentist, leave to doorstep of dear friend following card:

DO YOU ENJOY TOOTHACHE?

DR. SMITH PULLS TEETHS FROM EXPERIENCE

GET THE HABIT!!!

Each gentleman indulging in art or business do likesome to any extent. Gentlemen wishing to succeed in poetry, plumbing, clergyman or eye-wash medicine must put-in some kind of holler about it.

Landscapes is good for these decorations.

In travelling through American scenery by rail-car I can not interest my brain-thoughts in birds & flowers because of large conversation which persons has painted all over nature. By sweet runny-brook is sign-post of fierce red to say, “Sizzo Table Water. It is Sufficient.” By grandeur of top-mountain is reckless blue motto, “Circulation of _Daily Bazoo_ Is Making Climb Up.” By lovely oat-patch is signature, “Mormon Oats—They Chew Themselves.” Meadow of grass is full with gigantic hop-frogs, aggrevated bottles, magnificent lady-corsets, etc., which eminent American sculptors has cut out with saws. Nature is somewhere behind these, but what is she doing? Maybe she is trying to grow.

Frequent professors say-so about American Indians talking with sign-language. Is that it what I seen?

Sidney Katsu, light-thinking Japanese of considerable deceptiveness, say to me of recent date:

“Hon. Togo, you hear what-about has happen to American battle-fleet?”

“Tell me to know,” I renig with excitement, because I am Japanese Spy.

“So much is them war-boats painted of white colour they will be used for advertisements when approaching to China,” deliver this Katsu.

“Oh not to be possible!” I collapse, “what advertisement will be decorated upon this patriotic navy?”

“Following words will there be painted upon each white-side boat,” commute Katsu and show this card:

THIS FLEET IS PAINTED WITH
SNOWDRIFT ENAMEL PAINT
TRY IT ON YOUR BATH-TUB!!!

Shall I believe this calamity to American navy, Mr. Editor? I am disgusted to suspect that fly-off brain of Sidney Katsu. Some one has reached him to tell lying talk, American custom.

It is sinful to legal laws of America for poets, actoresses, politicians, burglary and other authors to put-in advertisements about theirselves. So it is difficulty for them. And yet they do it. How so? By becoming so active that newspaper-print is irrisistable to talk about it. Maybe actoress lose jewel-clasp. Burglary take it. She report as follows, “Oh my!”

“What is difficulty of health, Hon. Madam?” require reporter gentleman who is there.

“I have losed it my jewel-clasp,” she defy.

“Thank you for knowledge,” personify this Hon. Reporter, “While you are speeching about, tell me of your marriages, please, as well as of other family disconnections.”

So loud report of one column duration appear by next news-print. Maybe lady noveletter name of Mrs. McGlinny come over to here from kingdom of London with book by title “Three Months.” She enjoy great quiet, thank you, for that length of time. At finally “Mothers of Rebellion,” sweet-hearted collection of ladies, decry, “Come and speech before us at dine-table, please.”

“So pleasant to do,” digest this Hon. Mrs. McGlinny. “I will speech of what happened in them 3 months.”

“Oh, not to do!” abrupt them mothers. “We do not permit such talk before husbands, please.”

“O considerably well!” dement Mrs. McGlinny, striking piano with angry rage. Immediately she make rapid transit to newspaper press. Some talk is made with reporter and by following morning the below headlines is to appear:

SUCH HORRID BOOK!

IS “THREE MONTHS” THUS?

IT IS; AND WE WILL GIVE PRIZES TO PERSON
WHO READS IT LEAST

By next morning one thousand million copy of this book is entirely exhausted and publisher is despondent because so fatigued.

From Boston I discover this communication which cover ½ page of all-American newspaper:

“AMERICAN CITIZENS ARE YOU ALL-TIME FOOLISH? HON. ABE LINCOLN
SAY YOU ARE CONSIDERABLY SO. I AGREE TO THIS, THANK YOU! THEN
WHY YOU NO BUY STOCKS WHEN I TOLD YOU IT WAS? I ENQUIRE DID I
NOT TOLD YOU HOW STOCK MARKET WOULD DO SOMETHING SOON? IT DONE
SOMETHING. DID I NOT TOLD YOU AMALGAMATION OF COPPER WOULD GO
TO SOMEWHERE? IT FOLLOW THAT PROGRAM. THEN BOUGHT AS MUCH AS
CONVENIENT PLEASE, OR ELSE SELL OR DO SOMETHING!!!

“TAKE ADVICE FOR IT. YOU ARE IN FINGER-NAILS OF SHARKS. SYSTEM,
THAT HARD-EYE SYSTEM, WILL SQUEEZE, SQUEEZE TILL BLOOD-DROP
REFUSES TO ENJOY PAIN. THEREFORE, DO IT NOW!

“I WILL SPEECH ONE LAST WORD BEFORE SAYING MORE. ON AFTERNOON
OF FEB. 22 KEEP EYE-WATCH ON TICK-TOCK OF STOCK. IF NOTHING
HAPPEN THEN IT WILL BE POSTPONED.

“I OFTEN TELL YOU TO THINK. THAT WILL BE GOOD PRACTICE. PERSONS
ENJOYING WEALTH IS RECOMMENDED TO INVEST IT. PERSONS HAVING
NONE IS ADVISED TO KEEP IT.

“THOMAS W. LAWSON.”

This letter of correspondence is wrote by memory. Perhaps it is wrong in places. I am often wonderful about this Hon. Lawson man. Is he running for President or merely for fun? I ask to know.

So this American kingdom go rapidly with speed because of steam of them advertising. American gentleman enjoys great smartness inside of brain. He say “No use of doing nothing for nobody if nobody knows.” So type-setting, bill-stucking, paint-drawing is done. Violets is permitted to blush behind something in these U.S. They usually does this blushing performance behind sign-board saying “50c per bunch.” If Hon. Lawson, Hon. Bryan, Hon. Kipling can not get jobs of employment without some advertisement, how can Japanese Boy do so? This question make me put in that item of ideas to wanting-column of news.

Maybe it will be responded for. I am patient to hope.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—Labouring Unions of Pacific Coast decry with voice, “Japanese is taking all variety of jobs from persons of white extraction.” Maybe so. But I have not been very fortunate in this branch of Yellow Peril, thank you.

H. T.

XXII

OLYMPUS GAMES AND INTERNATIONAL CEMENT

SAN FRANCISCO, August 2d.

_Editor New York Newspaper who are printed in several colours &
deliver to doorstoop of Japanese Schoolboy filled with bright
jokes & other serious thought._

MR. SIR—For objeck of putting cement on affectionate relations between them loving relatives, America & Gt. Britten, there have been an entirely worldly feet-race and amateur circus shot off in England & called Olympus Games. Every branches of trapeez, handspring & strength exercises was indulged in for friendly rivalry. As result of them friendly rivalry Hon. Jim Bryce are enjoying some international strains in Washington, Hon. Whitelaw Reid are sorry he ever became a Brittish subjeck and Congress have ordered Hon. Hobson to build several _Dreadnothings_ and be quick about it.

Never yet have I heard two respecktable temperance kingdoms using such National League language upon each other without following some hostile demonstrations by land & sea. O surely war must follow! Did not Mr. Monroe in his famous Doctoring pledge to proteck American subjecks from bunko & outrage on foren shore? Do not the great Maggie Carter, famous document signed by King John, promus justice to all Brittish subjecks not of Irish birth? Then why should not America & England enjoy some more family splits? Why should not Adm. Thos. Lipton bring regatta of war-boats into N. Y. bay & seize Y. M. C. A. Athletick Club as spoil of war while America fleet are away shaking hands with Australia?

I require no answer.

Them Olympus Games are a great event for all Nationalities with excepting of Japanese who is too civilized to enjoy such rude fights. Such games is a considerable antique, for they was invented at Battle of Marathon in a previous B. C. time. On them occasion a Grecian boy run 27 mile to get away from Hon. Persians & was declare a champion by Honduras, mayor of Athens.

This year it were decide to hold them Olympus games at England, because English athletes can win nearly everything when surrounded by Brittish sentiment with sufficient Police near to see that all rules is broken in a quiet & orderly manner. Before Hon. Games was shot off Hon. Brittish Athletick Committee set together for regulation of events. Following were decide on by dignified majority: