Chapter I: ANAZUMA—Japanese shave-proprietor (1)

J. FURO—who is dead.

G. W. MCCANN—prominent drunk.

SYDNEY KATSU, JR.—who go Harvard study mollycuddling.

MISS ALICE FURIOKI—wife to Cousin Nogi.

MISS EVELYN SUKI—dear friend & more even.

FRANK the Japanned Bootpolish.

S. WANDA—Japanese Socialist.

WHANG SO—China boy of sinful profile.

H. SUNIGAWA—Talented Japanese Spy.

UNKNOWN JAPANESE—who call himself “Charley Smith” to get job in
a bank.

Sorted persons, doctors & druggers, Bunkio Saguchi, riots, baseballers, frequent wise Professors, Hon. Niggers, delegates who walk for the unions, editors, Napoleon Bonyparte & his Brother Charley, Hon. Police & other famous Americans to include my dog O-Fido.

ILLUSTRATIONS

“Therefor I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon.
Strunsky, Irish patriot” _Frontispiece_

PAGE

“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador” 58

“‘Would they fit me perhaps?’ I ask for vanity” 72

“‘Why all this yall about, unless of mania?’ I require to know
from Hon. Police” 82

“When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he say: ‘What language
is them wrote in?’” 100

“‘But China!! such eye-pain of nations’” 102

“O banzai! whirr of angry rages from engine” 110

“Loyal Sons of some fairish land parading under banner of the
Nice Old Party with placards to show how harmonious they feel” 120

“There I meet Motor Man who ... suffocate me with international
courtesy” 150

“‘I have a developed chest already,’ snuggest Hon. Taft” 208

“They should not make groups around him with scissors to cut
away souvenirs from him” 224

“‘I require to leave message for Cousin Charley at Washington’” 246

“‘O! Sweethearted Mrs. Madam, I enjoy a brainache this morning,
thank you’” 312

“‘Do not hide your light under a bushel basket,’ are smart
quotation for me” 326

“‘All of them persons is related to each other in some way
and another—some by proxy, some by regret’” 340

“Obi Obi and the Willy Sparrow” 344

Letters of a Japanese Schoolboy

I

OUR NOBLE ALLIES

SAN FRANCISCO, November 4th.

_To Esteemed Excellency the Editor of what is much widely read
New York newspaper._

DEAR SIR—I am a Japanese Schoolboy age 35 years & I come to this Free Country for some following reason:

1. To save up money for old age.

2. To learn so much I can.

3. To wait on table 14 hours Daily at Boarding house of Mrs. C.
W. O’Brien, honourable lady.

I am not doing so to-day as I am Confined in hospital enjoying much pain from brick-bat wound sent to me by one American Patriot. Also I am not attending school for some time.

If your Highness will permit such correspondence I will ask some Question which I will answer myself so as to save too much trouble for your valuable time. Thank you.

Some frequent Professors are asking the question now: Will White Man and Yellow Man ever mix? I answer Yes because I have knowledge of the affair. They mix once in San Francisco, they mix once in Vancouver. But such mixing is not good-healthy for the human race because it make broken glass, pistol-shot, outcry, militia and many other disagreeable noises. Japanese gentleman mix races with jiu jitsu, Irish gentleman with gas-pipe. Those are both good ways to know.

I have heartfelt feel for American gentleman because my Teacher tell me America and Japan are Noble Allies. Are we not this? Hon. Marquis Wm. Taft arrive to Tokyo to say these truth. He state to Admiral Togo, “We are Noble Allies,” and Admiral Togo response, “If we shall not be Noble Allies we shall be Noble Liars.” Tokyo is so happy that Rising Sun make tear-drop falling on star-stripe banner. Banzai!

Excuse bad penmanship as Right Hand was wounded by brick-bat from one Noble Ally name Casey. Bottles was also used on head which were unfortunate.

So happy Japanese! Japan has most Noble Allies than any other country. France, England, these dear Uniteds State, Germany, Australia, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal are all to fight in our behaviour. Also Corea. The most strongest of our Allies must, therefore, be England who gives day-and-night thought to making all Japanese comfortable. London newspaper weep for shame when San Francisco labour man drop building material on head of Japanese gentleman. London newspapers arrange their editorial full with considerable pity. Yes, please. England man loves Japanese man with much distinction because both are brothers by germ, are they not? Also affinities.

My cousin Nogi become recently absentee from San Francisco because he might reside away from the brick-bats. He went to inhabit in British Columbia at Vancouver to work in the Kakemono Barber Shop under the so glorious British banner. This is protection for all weak persons. I am therefore much more ill in my sick hand when I read this telegraph from my cousin Nogi.

_To Hashimura Togo, San Francisco_:

Welcome to Canada by Noble Allies. Three killed, seven wounded.
All well. Please send shot gun.

NOGI.

I think so continuously concerning my cousin enjoying trouble from that cordial Great Britain that I am about to make hara-kiri by swallowing bottle of hospital-medicine; but I relieve my death more easily by making the following poetical thought which I mailed to the King of England who lives in London:

_ADDRESS TO MR. EDWARD, EMPEROR OF THE BRITISH, WHO LIVES IN LONDON_

America man he strike for pay,
Japanese work for a dollar a day.
We like all much work can do—
You like Jap boy work for you?

Yes, sir, thank you, I come now:
Plenty more Jap boy soon learn how.
O so sorry no can stay—
Yes, please, come again soon—good day!

London paper say, “Jap nice,
Fight much, think much, eat much rice.”
England love us, so we heard—
What for Canada say bad word?

Yes, sir, thank you, one good graft;
Little Brown Brother, Big Bill Taft.
O so happy come round quick—
What for Canada throw Big Stick?

We sweep kitchen, scrub out pan,
Learn speak English soon we can.
We be good boy, so polite,
Trot all daytime, think all night.

Yes, sir, thank you, too much fuss.
We like Canada—you like us?
O so sorry must go way—
Yes, please—come again soon some day!

I am still awaiting Answer to this poetical thought which must be there somewhere in English postoffice soon.

Why do Japanese Boy come to this country is requested for reply from almost every white mind of prominence. I will answer with several reason from my own vocabulary:

1. To learn religion, Bookkeeping & Stenography.

2. To cement that Friendship of nations and keep grocery store.

3. To attend horse-racing contests.

4. To learn American Manners

5. To study Customs, Murders, Art, Science, & Humoristic
Literature from sunday papers.

6. To go back to Japan.

Perhaps you read in newspaper sometime rather recently about a warfare which we enjoyed with our Honourable Ally Russia which we cause to love us with a bayonet. Your Emperor, Mr. Roosevelt, then taught us how the peace may be manufactured and we have done so ever since. If you did not read of this in papers I will send you clippings from the _Shimbun_ of Tokyo. We are sending the glad hand of fellowship around to all white persons, but I can not do so this week because the brick-bat wound I said to you about is in my right wrist.

Before enjoying that painful collision I spoke something with Hon. Strunsky, the Delegate who Walks for the Unions. Some of my countrymen has seen Hon. Strunsky Walk, but he has been Setting down on them occasions seen by me. I went there with ceremony before Mr. Strunsky at his saloon, because he is Irish and makes angry sudden.

“Please,” I enquiry, “let Japanese Boy to plumbing union. I am able to plumb with intelligence.”

“You make me tired,” he retorted back.

“Esteemed sir, if you are exhausting yourself with fatigue let Japanese Boy have your job. My cousin is ambitious for such a situation.”

“Beat it!” response Hon. Strunsky.

I could not assimulate that word he said it.

“What should he beat?” was question for me.

“You beat yourself around block—skiddoo!” explained honourable Delegate gentleman.

When he was explaining these things in war-cry voice so all could understand Mr. Carbonetti, an American gentleman, struck me on the wrist with a small piece of House which was not then built. I spoke “Banzai!” and Mr. I. Rogo, proprietor of the Rising Sun Coffee House, came with leaps and make jiu jitsu upon Mr. Carbonetti while O. Takura, my cousin’s grandfather, stopped Mr. Strunsky’s speeches with some kindling-wood. Soon there was rain of brick-bats from sky and Japanese Boys present much regretted they did not wear any umbrella.

That is some ways it happened.

Was it then wise for the Delegate who Walks for the Unions to say so? For was he not often remarking there was no place for Japanese gentleman in the American business? He does not know the statistick like the Japanese statesman may tell him. What does Ichipanorama, Walt Whitman of Fuji, say so?

The Visible Universe was never so full of men, Monkeys, Furniture,
Noise, Literature, Diseases,
That there was not a Place somewhere, either in the hall bedroom, or
in the kitchen, or in the cellar under the kitchen,
Or in the ice-box under the stairs
For the Good,
the Beautiful
and the True.
Gotama Buddha, or the Janitor, or Somebody else makes room for the
Humble Deserving
And even a Parrot
May be allowed in the Apartment House.
Does a Rich Man refuse to take gold because it is yellow?
Does a Cook refuse to boil potatoes because they are brown?
Does a Car Conductor refuse to take on another Passenger because of
race, colour or previous condition of servitude?
He does not, neither do they.
Man leapeth from land to land even as the flea from dog to dog.
It is so enrolled upon tablets of porcelain and ivory.

This is not exactly how Ichipanorama says how, but something like so. America has room for all. The Irish gentleman to hold the great public offices, the Jewish gentleman to attend to the drama and the clothing store, the Italian gentleman to be the merchants with the fruit, the German gentleman to attend to the large sausage interests of the country. The Japanese gentleman, then, what does he require in this so great commonwealth? Sometimes something, sometimes something different. To nail the shoe, to write the books, to work in the gymnasium, to run the banks, to peel potatoes, to govern the states. Anywhere you require his usefulness he will be so happy to be there.

Hoping your Highness understands plainly to know how I think these things here, and love to all.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

II

THE HONOURABLE WAR CLOUD

SAN FRANCISCO, November 16th.

_To Editor of New York newspaper, enlightened printer who
manufacture Truth for all thoughtful Person._

DEAR SIR—I so happy, thank you, esteemed Mr., for you listen to how I say so in my last letter. Therefore I am much obliged to you for several more intelligent Question which I will ask you what is.

During my residence in Hospital to enjoy brick-bat wound sent there by Labouring Union, I give some large quantities of thought-attention to future life. What business would be swiftest for making success of it? Waiting on table-board of Mrs. O’Brien, honourable lady, is repulsive to proud Japanese Boy any more do. Which would be better for me: To learn to be Christian Missionary or to study for bookkeeping and stenography? Both ways lead to good jobs.

My cousin Nogi, who return from British Columbia leaving front teeth with English friends there, say, “Missionary jobs are no longer needed for Japan, because our dear country already have rapid-fire fleet and stand-up army sufficient to make all Japanese Christians.”

“What date is arrange for this Japan-America war to be shot off?” I ask for answer.

“Not yet but when!” response this Nogi making eyewink, American salute.

“In such a warfare which kingdom would beat it?” is next question for me.

“Frequently one and then some,” collapse Nogi, who think as I do.

Therefore I still ask to know. Hon. Mr. Sir, could you so courteously remind Japanese Boy of exact date for such warfare? If there is any announcement in your press of this battle would you send me clipping, address Hospital? Such an answer would be delightful to know for all-coloured races. Political man, labour-union man, newspaper-press all have brain-ache questioning, When. You will permit me, please, to speak how I think so?

Japan-America war is impossible to happen! Banzai! All should be so happy in Hon. Carnegie talking-library at Hague. Philippine Island must be taken by Japan on mortgage or some other peaceable conquest. Perhaps American Congress will consider this nice birthday present to Emperor of Japan.

How I make this knowledge? Because so. Japan could never secure these United States entirely for Japanese Government. I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, tell me how Mr. Kuroki might not capture New York from such great distance of San Francisco. And what must Japan do with New York when captured? That is hard question for Japanese Boy.

While residing in Hospital bed my cousin Nogi come to me bringing donation of banana-fruit for lunching. These fruit come as package enwrapped in American newspaper-press. I am thankful for lunch, but more so thankful for reading-news on enwrapping. The information tell me nervously that fleet of ships commanded by Hon. Pres. Roosevelt will go around to the Pacific ocean by the Cape of Horn, avoiding Panama canal which is less done. Must Japan shoot American ship for going to Pacific ocean? This is question for editor. I answer, No, please! Pacific ocean still have too much water for Japan to cover with torpedo boats. Thank you, America fleet may call at San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle without angry rage from Tokyo government which is busy civilizing Corea. Hon. Mr. Roosevelt is welcome to travel.

Howeverly is, some sinful thoughts come to Japanese Boy. Is not some excitement interesting to all-coloured races? It would be fine engagement for Japan-America navies to come together sometime for slight shooting-scrape, because both have enjoyed very pleasant target-practice. America navy recently use boat of Hon. Adm. Cervera for excellent bull’s eye. Japanese navy practice, still more recently, on fleet of Hon. Mr. Rodjestvensky in which practice Japan gunners score 97 out of possible 100 hits. Yet it are not good-healthy for 2 such equal navies to meet in angry rage, because they might be bursted by following brutal diagram:

Mr. Editor I am Samurai, like all other Japanese Boys. When sick hand is well I am good for all fights. My friend, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, is exceptional to this rule saying man-strangling and dynamite explosion to be bad for human race. He teach meek-eye as best disease for strong-arm. He come to Hospital and hold my sick hand to say,

“Togo, when union labour drop brick-bat upon Japanese Boy, what then?”

“Hara-kiri!” I explain. “Japanese Boy deliver jiu jitsu upon eye of Mr. Casey.”

“So heathen thought!” devote Arthur. “When brick-bat smite left cheek, right cheek is then presentable for more.”

To such talk I am only able to speak of rats. Arthur forgive such politeness and read me poetical thought, because sickness prevent escape:

_ADDRESS TO PEACE DOVE WHAT RESIDE IN HATS OF ALL EMPERORS_

Tell us to know, feeble sparrow-bird of quiet politics,
Why is?
Yes, you are equally white as snow, and yet snow frequently catches it
from gunpowder.
What has occurred to your appearance?
What has become of thy tail-feathers, wing-feathers, pin-feathers?
Where is the hair upon thy back and also
Where has thy left eye went?

Tell us to know, gentle chickadee of disarmed nations,
Why is thy matinee music-song
So heartlus and without feet?
Like the melody of hand-saws playing upon rusty nail, like a leak in a
bagpipe or like
A widowed ostrich pining alone with bronchitis of the throat!
Hast thou a message for the world to know?
Tell me, Arthur Kickahajama, missionary!
If so,
Tell us to know, gentle harbinger of harbour-defences,
Tell us——
But Peace Dove, butting inwards upon poetical address
Of Arthur Kickahajama, missionary,
Makes peeking expression toward Holland with that one remaining
eyeball,
Makes pointing gesture toward Washington with the stump of bit-off
leg.
And response back to the Japanese poet as follows: “Croak!
“I will tell you to know, Arthur Kickahajama:
I have been delivered to Nations
Bearing label HANDLE WITHOUT CARE!
How can Pidgeon sail tranquil on smooth tail-feathers
When Great Peacemakers
Distribute him here and there shot-out-of-a-gun?
When, to go places, he is clubbed with swords, jabbed by sceptres,
batted by big sticks?
Is there no Society of Prevention for This?

“And yet I am here, Peace has arrived—
But of what use to mankind delivered in such a shopworn condition?
Thank you for plaster-casts, thank you for limb-bandages, eye-wash,
salve,
Thank you for arnica-poultice, Brother Missionary!
Peace be with you—
Croak!”

Mr. Editor, your honourable country enjoys many bad traits which are loathsome to Japanese. You are disagreeable to old age, you neglect to worship the holy relic. In the American household you worship the recent Baby with doctors, nurses, chloroform, etc., and at the tooth-cut of same all have spasms by joy. But when Grandparent injures the appendicitis he must enjoy it quietly in hospital with stationary to make will.

In boarding house of Mrs. O’Brien there is one young lady which all other eaters at the table-board call “Grandma” because of her immense age. All young gentlemen there talk humoristical anecdote, smile, eat candy with young ladies of more recent birth. While youthly ladies are doing this Miss Grandma set lonesome by lamplight reading Mrs. Humply Ward book.

I have often noticed these when seated in kitchen studying American grammar. “Why should not Young Lady be object of pious regard because of great age?” I frequently enquire for answer.

One evening I put on frockaway coat and make call to Miss Grandma.

“Hon. young lady,” I refer, “yes, ma’am, excuse me, sir! Would you tell one questioning to Japanese Boy?”

“Surely, Mister Togo,” she response. “Whatever is?”

“Oftenly” I relate, “I am attractive to your honourable notice setting lonesome under lamplight. May I call sometime for lonesome company?”

“You are kind gentleman, Mister Togo,” she beseech. “Yes, you can come often for lonesome call.”

“Thank you, sir,” I say, “you are regardless. I come so often kitchen duties prevent it.”

She give me smiling expression peculiar to American lady of any oldness.

“Tell me this answer,” she inquisitive softly. “What qualities in myself make you such admiration?”

“I admire you because of Japanese,” I response. “For in Japan we are taught to reverence the Old Age.”

She throw Humply Ward book to me, then strike me with lamp-light. Fire extinguished by means of Persian rug I retire to kitchen to make my soul enquire about things.

Hoping your Highness may place this thoughts on printing-press without danger, and love to family and friends.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—I am taking lessons in harmonica playing of which Hospital nurse Flynn is Prof. He teach me national hymn of Hon. Geo. M. Cohen entitled “The Rag Which We Revere.” Your Constitution must feel very nervous following that Cohen Flag!

H. T.

III

THE YELLOW PERIL

SAN FRANCISCO, November 22d.

_To New York newspaper management and such as are doing it
there._

DEAR PRINTER—I am enjoying great poverty from employment which is missing this week, thank you.

This conversation for you to listen:

“Mr. Togo, goodbye, and be prompt in doing so!” That spoken with screeches by Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady.

“Sweet-hearted Mrs. Madam,” I resume to her, “why you neglect to allow Japanese Boy any more wait on table-board at your establishment?”

“Because this,” she demand, “lazy stupor of brain unfit Japanese Boy for such jobs. During three weeks of time you remain in hospital to enjoy pain. You think of book study more than delivering soup to my table-eaters. Some others must carry coffee-dish for this employment. Therefore exit from these house!”

“Thank you to know, Hon. Mrs.,” I report, “what person shall obtain job when I have went from here?”

“One China boy I have got him more intelligent as you for half price to do it,” she refer.

I see plain truth to this. Looking to kitchen I observe Whang So, one China boy of sinful profile. I make race-riot inside of me, but peace-treaty outside.

“Honourable Mrs. O’Brien,” I say with smiling expression, “good day, so sorry, thank you so much!” Then I make quick-step to sidewalk and trot-step to establishment of Jigo Furo, Japanese hardware.

“Thank you for something durable to handle,” I say to this Jigo Furo.

“This stove-poker is recommended for all use,” he response. It surely was truthful. I take it away for call on Mr. Whang So, China boy of sinful profile. He come to door of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien when asked for.

“Whang So, Chinese puppy-cat, wherefore you have national characteristics of one potato?” I relapse.

“You go way, no good!” he reserve with impolite expression of Oriental.

For reply I throw stove-poker to neck of Whang So, give him jiu jitsu to porch and tie him with abominable pig-tail to door knob of Mrs. C. W. O’Brien where he may be found. This things I done to Whang So as race-riot to Chinese persons which is no good for America by following statistick:

1. They perform cleanly-washing infrequently.

2. They are back-hand in religion, reform, bookkeeping and
stenography.

3. They teach poker game to Japanese Boy.

4. They are a Yellow Peril.

I have given some brain-study to this Yellow Peril to make sure it is a bad blessing for these Uniteds State. It is. But should we Americans of all-colour enjoy fear of such? Answer is, No! Coreans, Chinese, & Hindus is Yellow Peril. All Japanese can defeat these easily with club-stick. We have been there to try it. If white Caucasian fear such a Peril Japanese will promise to chase it away for small wage-pay. It will be amusement for Japanese Boy who know how.

All persons should be kept out of this kingdom who can not show good-coloured complexions at ship-dock. Torpedo-fleet, battle-boat, dynamite & congress should be shot off to prevent landing of such trash like Mr. Whang So and other Chinese of yellow birth. Coreans, Siamese, & Hindus must also be prevented from escaping into this country. Christian ships must take these complexions back to original islands where they belongs. This is best good for all human races.

Many negro persons of Southern States is also Yellow Peril, but these can not enjoy exclusion, because there is no place to exclude them to.

But Japanese gentleman, please, must not be written down for this list. Derby hat, American pant, Tuxedo overcoat, have rendered him completely white of complexion and able to vote for President when asked to know how. Please do not include him in Yellow Peril, because he will not be there. He is doing things by each day that makes folks white. Let Japanese help to do push-out to all-coloured Yellow Perils coming to this country together with others patriots of star-stripe banner Yankee-doodle dandy, banzai!

I will speak to you of two Yellow Perils which I know of my knowledge.

I am acquaintance of one Corean gentleman name of Whee who reside in cellar of this city. He do not change his clothing which is economical. He sleep in soap-box, but the soap is missing. To approach Mr. Whee with hygiene is too dangerous for good healthy. Labouring Union do not fear this Corean gentleman, because he shall never take no work from nobody. When not hitting pipe-smoke this Whee man is dreaming of ancestors. He will also be one soon. When I observe such Corean patriot approaching to me I choose next street, thank you. This man is Yellow Peril of bright colour.

In one more cellar, close to where this Corean citizen reside, there sleep one Polish gentleman name of Gumowsky. This Gumowsky man is notable for forgetfulness in washing. Two times each year he is removed by health Board, but this is of no use for Mr. Gumowsky who make financial income collecting second-handed cigarettes. When he obtain sufficient whiskey-drunk there is warcry from his downstairs residence and whichever furniture he can discover to break is throwed on street to strike by-passing pedestrians. Mr. Gumowsky is not good gentleman to inhabit this American country. He is a Yellow Peril of dark colour, because soiled.

Which is more better citizen, thank you—Mr. Whee of opium smoking and Gumowsky of whiskey-drunking or Japanese Boy of derby hat, frockaway coat and all other white manners of civilizedation?

On evening time of last Thursday night Japanese branch of Chinese Exclusion League meet for church social at Asiatic M. E. Church where good time were enjoyed there. My cousin Nogi took as escort Miss Mabel Sanjijo who he are engaged to marry when divorced. I delivered to this gaiety Miss Alice Furioki pleasant young lady of yellow extraction. All Japanese Boys was present with other national ladies. Rev. Hon. Chillworthy, American missionary, make all happy by coming late.

Japanese Boy Male Quartette open excitement by songing, “I love you the same long years ago when first I meet you on the village green.” Songing listened at with patience by all. Japanese solo was next performed on phonograf. Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, do card-trick for excitement of amusement. Then we enjoy “post-office” game to practise kissing, American salute. When this was subsided I made so nervous as to read following poetickal thought:

_ADDRESS TO CONGRESS ABOUT STOP-OFF OF YELLOW PERIL_

Make it hard for Chinese to come in, please,
Make it nice and easy for stay out.
Punish naughty China for that sin, please,
Show what for you mean such things about.
Chop chop head of Chinese immigration.
Bang-up foolish pigtail cooley-man,
Keep such Yellow Peril from your nation.
(That give room for persons from Japan.)

Swift-kick China off your map,
Shake-shake smile for glad-hand Jap!

Ship the negro person to some island—
That will solve one problem pretty quick.
Make the Injuns live upon a highland
Scared for to come down by that Big Stick.

Shoot the no-good Russian off this nation,
Send the black-hand Dago back to Rome;
Clean this land of foreign immigration—
Then the Japanese Boy feel at home.

Shoot the Yellow Peril—boom!—
Then the Jap Boy have more room.

After this rhythm Rev. Hon. Mr. Chillworthy nearly made talk-speech. He was just saying it about “Higher Life for Japanese Boy” when something happen which was too bad. Whang So, China boy, enter with two cousins, Whang Get and Whang Gee. There was up-jump for all. Banzais could be seen everywhere as chandeliers, etc., flew to heads of China boys while those nationality was departing through windows. After these Chinese Exclusion act was performed this church sociable busted up with prayers and ice cream.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—Mr. Editor, would you put following wedding notice in paper of yours?

“Mr. Hashimura Togo of Kobe, Japan, will be marriaged to Miss Alice Furioki of Tokyo, same place, ceremony to be had at Asiatic M. E. Church, S. F. This excitement will take place when job is found for Japanese Boy which is not now doing so.”

H. T.

IV

LADY SUFFERGETTES AND HOW THEY DO IT

SAN FRANCISCO, December 12th.

_Editor New York newspaper who enjoys great delight while
reading all poetry & story writings which he send back to
Author with smiling excuses_:

DEAREST SIR—What say that great poeter, Hon. Sir Walter Scotch, about ladies? He say as follows:

“O ladies, during idle moments
Inclined to make coyness with giggly expression,
Yet when sick-sorrow time of brain-ache come along
You are very skilful about being an Angel!”

Since my loving engagement to Miss Alice Furioki I got good chance to study them Ladies.

Ladies, Mr. Editor, is nearly always female by sex. This is a very universal custom. Therefore, since original date of Eve & Adam ladies of female gander has been accustomed to drudgeness and downtroddery all time. Ladykind has been slave of gentlemankind from 1 o’clock of history to present date; they has been personal dry-goods of them tyrants of male descent without no privileges except following:

1. To tell husband what-time to get up by morning.

2. To demand him, Why no come home earlier by evenings?

3. To require, “What drunk are you carrying on breath?”

4. To save wages for him by spending it.

5. To take him to theatrical plays for educating of brain.

6. To select more fashionable friends for him.

7. To explain to him when he is foolish in business.

8. To select Presidents, Congressmen, Mayors, etc., for which
he must vote it.

After doing them slavery for such numberous 1000s of year, all human ladies is suddenly enjoying angry rage about them downtroddery. They wish to do some poll-voting for therselves, because husbands is frequently forgetful about how to do it; and thus wrong persons is often elect to be President.

So considerable Suffergetting is being did by ladies who learn to do it.

Suffergetting immigrate to this U. S. by boat from London where it is always spoken with a English accent, or it is bogus and cannot be admitted to respectable jails. Any young lady of 35 years time can learn to Suffergette if she is quiet about it and listen to speaker while she is being arrested. This is how to do it most often:

English lady of name Mrs. Wellington Boots arrive to America dressed silently in pink opera cloak with white ostrich in hat. She proceeds herself quietly to Carnegie library, beating tunes on bass drum for fear someone might notice her. On steps of that learned bookery she array her feetsteps and make following speech:

“Oh!!”

With immediate quickness platoon of police make military formation, reserves is brought out, still alarm for State Militia and half-holiday is called in all dressmakers’ establishments. Delegates arrive from Daughters of Rebecca, Neices of American Revolution, little Mothers’ Association, etc. while Hon. Mrs. Boots pull herself to complete tallness and say,

“Fellow Sisters, let us arise up and smite it! Already we are ten million strong, and I see Congressman Carrie Jones approaching with 4 nurse-girls and 2 lady-cashiers, which makes us 6 stronger than we was. Let us forward, then, to Liberty or somewhere. Let us make such a race-riot around that Gentleman Tyrant that Heaven shall be punctuated with screams and Earth shall be scattered with hairpins.”

So procession of Lady Suffergettes make forward motion in publick street. Following is line of marching which they keeps:

_First Division._ Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson,
Congressmen Carrie Jones & Lily McGee, Major Gen. Birdie
Chowinsky. These eminent statesladies is mounted on red
automobiles and carry one delicious canary-colour Suffergette
flag embroideries of organization-motto “Dux et Draco” and
trimmed with tucks and real Irish lace.

_Second Division._ Composed of Salvation Army ladies’ Cornet
Band which is playing “Every Day is Ladies’ Day with Us.”

_Third Division._ Woman’s Temperance Race Suicide Union
carrying motto “Let the Men Bear the Children!”

_Fourth Division._ Representators of the ex-Housewives’
Association in carriages saying something serious to each
others.

_Fifth Division._ Cavalry Troup of Lady Cowboys giving examples
of rude riding.

_Sixth Division._ One Gentleman Suffergette on foot burdened
with motto “A Man’s a Man for a’ That.”

_Seventh Division._ Patrol wagons full of policemans with
dutiful expressions.

After they have did some ½ hour of marching, enthusiastick, etc., Congressman Carrie Jones say to Hon. Mrs. Boots, “Where shall we go to demand it?”

“Let us gone to Parliament,” decry this Mrs. Boots who know how-so to do it in England.

“So sorry not to do!” collapse several ladies in unicorn. “We have not got a Parliament in this town.”

“Such an irritant! what a nation!” deploy Hon. Mrs. Boots. “Then let us gone to City Hall.”

So ice-cream soda refreshment is enjoyed by all and procession makes onwards to City Hall where it stops itself. Loud rapping on door of this temple by all present.

“No admittance to come in!” say voice which is inside trembling.

“We require to see Hon. Mayor so that we can receive our rights, please,” says Mrs. Boots with accent.

“No goods delivered till after lunch, thank you,” say that voice from inside. “Hon. Mayor is outside eating it.”

“Then let us have Dist. Attorney, please!” peruse that chorus.

“No, ma’am, not to do!” dictate voice. “Hon. Dist. Attorney is outside drinking it.”

(Patrol wagons stand by with respectable salutes.)

Loud reports from all lady Suffergettes. Forward march! Door is smashy open and all mingle inside that City Hall filling it with female political noises. Mayor office is found vacated. Nothing in Hon. Dist. Attorney office except empty arm-chairs. Marriage Licence Bureau locked with key. Nothing to resemblance of Man is discovered inside that City Hall.

But No! One timid gentleman is found in City Treasury office hiding in safe. It is the Janitor who is praying with voice, “Please to avoid injury me—I am married to a wife.”

Janitor is permitted to go free, thank you, because of female relations. Meeting is then held in office. Hon. Mrs. Boots is elect Mayor _pro tem._ till arrival of Chief of Police when all enjoy arrest and is taken to Hon. Jail.

At Hon. Jail Hon. Mrs. Boots, Judge Ethel Johnson and Major Gen. Birdie Chowinsky is given comfortable cell on Murderers’ Row along with 6 Insurance Directors, 3 Congressmen, 1 Mayor, and 1 Boy Millionaire who shot another gentleman under very fashionable circumstances.

Tea is served in cell and lady Suffergettes receive all-kind friends which come to congratulate them about being there. American jails is becoming too exclusive of lately. Persons must be very rich or very famous, or else talented in some other way, to be locked up with all them there financiers.

Every time I see patrol wagon making gallop-off to jail I am excited to know if it is full of Suffergettes or if it contain another load of Trust Co. Presidents.

* * * * *

I tell my cousin Nogi about that Suffergette procession the same I told you about.

“It can not be true, because it isn’t,” he commit for pride.

“Why-so not so?” I recoil of contempt for short intelligence.

“Because thus,” he say it, “because in this America no real lady can get arrested for nothing she does, no matter how much she does it. America mans is weak from chivalry whenever their wifes & grandmothers needs to be arrested. Besides something more. Would Hon. Gov. Hughes arrest 1,000 ladies for going to Albany with request, please, to be allowed to vote for him? Would Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon ring for police-cart because Suffergettes bust into Congress to exclaim, ‘We want ballot-box to fill-up with sympathy for Jo-uncle Cannon?’ Would them candidates call for law to protect gray hairs from this? Answer is, No! Votes is votes, whether they got skirts on or something else. Washington is a very comfortable place for persons of either gander or sex to go asking for privilege to vote; for nearly everybody is a candidate in Washington.”

“Nogi, you are accused of being a Suffergette!” I collapse for disgust.

“I am not-so that,” renig this Nogi with blushes, “but Miss Mabel Sanjijo enjoys such a membership.”

“Will she join lady-excursion to Suffergette in Washington on March 3?” is next question for me.

“Yes-so—if she can borrow it for carfare,” this from Nogi. “If she can not do she will stay at home & give Hon. Pres. Roosevelt absent treatment.”

“Will Hon. Pres. Roosevelt add Suffergette plank to Hon. Republican platform?” I ask to know.

“O probably yes-so!” say Nogi. “He have added everything else to that platform. Why-so should he pause at them ladies?”

“What did Suffergette Delegation which visited Albany bring back from that tour?” I decry.

“They brung back souvenir photo representing one Statesman peeking through brush-heap. On this was wrote, ‘Choose Hughes & You Can not Lose,’ This was took as good-luck sign for all Suffergettes.”

I am disgust of so much back-talk.

“One last reply I make,” I say. “Female ladies can not make success of it in middle of Politicks. Shall we send old women to U. S. Senate?”

“Why not-so?” negotiate Nogi. “If Hons. Platt & Depew remain there so long will 1 or 2 extra old ladies be conspicuous for notice?”

Here is some delicious poem for you to abuse:

_ALLEGORICAL NATURE FAKE ABOUT JAPANESE STORK-BIRD_

BUN-BUN
SAKI-RUN,
Listen to the sing I song!

In Yeddo,
About 7063 B. C.
There dwell in suburban section
On roof-top chimbley of house
On street
One couple of legitimate Stork-birds
What was just like anybody.
All day Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird
Lie eggs
And look at Yeddo persons
With kind of smile.
All day Hon. Mr. Stork-bird
Go down town to transaction of business with salooners and other drunk.
He vote,
He work
He come home at night
When not forgetting to do so.

BUN-BUN
SAKI-RUN,
Listen to the sing I song!

One Thursday afternoon
Mrs. Stork-bird enjoyed one thought
(Which was very scarcely found in them days)
“Gentlemen Stork make vote,
Lady Stork make egg.
So fierce to think!
Why should not Lady Stork make conversation
And Gentleman Stork attend to population?
I ask to know!
Therefore, why?”
So, after she had finished
Household duties of afternoon,
Hon. Mrs. Stork-bird
Flap-fly to chimney residence
Of considerable other Stork-birds
Of Yeddo.
To other lady Stork-birds she deply,
“Come off it!
Liberty, eggality, affinity
Is pass-key word
For downtroddy female!
Therefore, let us begin high-fly with superior intellects of
precinct-leaders & Republican caucases!”
Yet all Lady Storks deplore,
“What shall we do with eggs, please?”
“Drop eggs!” say Mrs. Stork-bird;
“Hon. Husbands can took care of eggs
If they is so bright about things.”

BUN-BUN
SAKI-RUN,
Listen to the sing I song!

Lady-storks all desugerated
To sky-high.
They all run country for 28 annual years,
Elected Board of Supervisors
And did very happy job of politicks.
Gentleman Storks, who was discouraged,
Sat on nests,
But with such unhappiness of result!
At last one day people of Yeddo
Look up and decry,
“Where is all Stork-birds went?
My sakes!!
All nests diserted from,
No youthful Stork-birds to see—
Depopulatiousness must set in
Without eggs!!”
And so it was as true,
No eggs,
No storks—
All off!

BUN-BUN
SAKI-RUN,
Listen to the sing I song!

This will make very sad song for harmonica.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

V

THE FINANCIAL BREAKDOWN

SAN FRANCISCO, January 9th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper, whichever gentleman or
gentlemans does such useful work there._

HON. MR. SIR—This U. S. Kingdom, Mr. Editor, is now at present enjoying great panic of banking business. I do not participate in this calamity, because I am making less salary than required for banking surplus. Therefore I am not objecting to present money shake-down except because I have none, and yet frequently I hear of stock-jump falling down grade until it is broken and useless for finance. Yes, also several banking-business go under. “Under what?” is question for me. For reply I hear each get-poor gentleman say “Wall Street,” pointing to Augustus Heinz on map.

This thoroughfare, Wall Street, must be magnificent place for some persons to enjoy. My Cousin Nogi explain how about that avenue. “That is very rich place for gilding,” he response, “each sidewalk there is paved with gold money which broker gentlemen do not care for. Stock exchange and many banking establishments there are constructed solidly of gold-brick.”

“Nogi,” I relate, “you often know something. Thank you to answer 5 questions which I have prepared upon letter-paper for reply.”

“Relate such troubles to some editors,” say Nogi taking derby to go call on Miss Mabel Sanjijo which he is engaged to marry when divorced. Therefore I supply those 5 questions about Financial trouble for you to look at, Mr. Sir:

1. When Stocks makes upstart motion why do it act so rather
than stand stationary?

2. When Stocks makes downstart movement, what for is the reason
and what would stop it?

3. Some gentlemen is called “broker”—what does he break to get
such names?

4. When money is lost in Wall St. can this be recovered by
advertising in newspaper?

5. Can you give Japanese Boy name and address of some
honourable gentleman who might tell accurately what time some
stocks will be making upstart movement soon?

Why do bank-houses burst? That is more easy answer than those questions about Wall St. jumping of stocks. Banks burst because there is nothing inside and pressure from outside causes cave in of walls. Why is there nothing in banks when so bursted? Because persons makes runnings on these banks in order to take outside what is inside. Maybe one man have $1,000 in this bank-house. He go around to that place to see if these money is comfortable there.

“Is my thousand dollar remaining comfortable in this deposit?” he require of Hon. Pay-Teller.

“Yes, please,” respond this Financier, “all such moneys is right deposited where put.”

“Thanks to know, Mr. Banker,” retort American gentleman. “If you please, permit me to carry it from places to places in my pocket which I have.”

“You are obliged to it,” demand them Pay-Teller, and take $1,000 from deposit, where was, to pocket of American gentleman, where is. Soonly numberous American gentlemans learn about take-out of $1,000, so all make running-stampede to bank-house where they say to Pay-Teller:

“Give _us_ each $1,000 to carry from places to places in _our_ pockets which we have in our clothes!”

“You are obliged to it,” response the Pay-Teller. So he deposit $1,000 to all persons until bank-house bursts down and Wall St. enjoys frequent panic of fear.

This show plainly that bank-houses bursting is blame of people who do it.

Rich men enjoying poverty are much stabbed by financial breaking. Poor men enjoying large incomes of money are not so stung.

* * * * *

To avoid financial panic therefore persons should have too much wealthy for this. How to get this money is question for Japanese Boy. How did each great American gentleman acquire such millions? If Japanese Boy could know how, he might follow example of Industry Captains and get exhalted likewise. So I put on my derby to discover about this success in business.

To Hon. Mr. Strunsky who keep saloon I go with enquiry. Like all Irish gentlemen Mr. Strunsky is sweethearted when not enjoying angry fit.

“Tell me to know, Hon. Strunsky,” I examine, “how do this Rockefeller acquire such many things?”

“He is successful in grafting,” response Mr. Strunsky.

“Thank you to response how Hon. Harriman also do so?” I talk.

“He is fine grafter,” suggest this Irish gentleman.

“In what profession do Hon. Hill, Hon. Lawson & Hon. Rodgers train themselves for it?”

“Graft!” response Mr. Strunsky making blinking motion of eye.

Thanks so much to Mr. Strunsky I go away improved. I have now choosen career to which I shall apply my mental thought. Grafting profession is good thing for Japanese Boy to learn because this lead to famous success and renown in American life. Maybe I go back Japan and teach this knowledge in University of Tokyo.

To become great famous like Rockefeller, etc., must require so much book-study of grafting. Where to get such books? Walter W. Shoji, who study learning at California university, say that grafting is sometime teached by professors together with law-courses. I go to S. F. public library & there find volumes about farming, architecture, warfare, arithmetic, socialism & religion, but no book to tell how grafting should be done by a beginner wishing to do so.

* * * * *

Many persons speak of Hon. Abe Reuff, now residing in jail, as grafter. This do not be so. Grafters are famous gentlemen, and therefore must be great & good. This Hon. Reuff is not so, for why would he be there in that jail then? He is so caged up for dishonestness. I would not study grafting of dishonest man, because he might not teach me right. What did Wm. Shakespeare, the great book-maker, say so? “Act well your part, others take notice.”

Hon. Sir, do you pay cash-money for poetical thought like following rhythm?

_POETRY REQUESTING HON. F. AUGUSTUS HEINZ TO TEACH GRAFTING TO JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY_

Noble man, you tell me so
Something I require to know?
Where I go and what I do
Learn be wealthy man like you?

Money-king
Pulling string,
Up-stock, down-stock, everything!

Many person say to me,
“Save your money like John D.”—
Have to save much long to get
Hundred million dollar yet!

Start too late,
No can wait
Save up cash at such slow rate.

Other person speak more frank,
“Go take shoot-gun, hold up bank.”
That way sinful, for I know
Honest Grafter not do so.

Where you take
What you make?
Tell me how for mercy sake!

Some folks say, “It not wise plan
Get-rich-quick from stock-talk man.”
John get-rich-quick by such game—
Why not Jap Boy do the same?

One—two—three,
Out goes he—
John stay in (that place for me!)

Tell me, please, what thing I need,
What course study, what book read,
Make Success of all can do,
Be Great Grafter same like you?

Be great man,
Make all can,
Teach this Graft to dear Japan.

Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, come me to-day and make tearful cries because I have decided to be Grafter instead of learning missionary job. When he know that I am firmtooth to my purpose he tell me this story about antique Japan:

Seven million years previously to the present Japan dynasty the great philosopher Nichi Nichi sat down to make fishing-sport by small stream-creek of Yeddo. While engaged in putting angly-worm bait on fish-hook he look down in stream-creek and observe twelve thousand sucker-fish in water making eye-wink at angly-worm bait.

“This would be remarkable luck for Japanese fisherman,” he respond, dipping angly-worm in puddle. But sucker-fish no care for diet just then and perch on bottom making smiles through gills.

Nichi Nichi is excited by obstinacy of sucker-fish. He put on caterpillar-bait. Nothing to do. He try corn-beef diet for fishes. They refusal, thank you. He spit on bait to bring favour of fish-god. Sucker-fish not care for this pains-taking, howeverly.

Then philosopher Nichi Nichi enjoy angry rage throwing fish-pole to grass, tearing beard and speeching these:

“O tell me, sucker-fish, is it not truth that you are reputed most easy of all fish that practise swimming in these brook near Yeddo?”

And them twelve thousand sucker-fish, making smiles through gills, raise fins to universal sky and response,

“Oh Nichi Nichi, philosopher, we are that.”

“Then tell me to know, idiotic waggle-tails, why you no care for delicious baits I provide for eating?”

“Because this,” reject all them fish together flipping tails to dog-star, “we have ate them baits before—caterpillar, angly-worm, corn-beef—we have ate and been catched by those. Never again, thank you so much.”

“Oh, quite well!” exclamation that great man. “Then I shall offer you some new rare bait which fishes shall eat only this once time, because so scarce to get.”

With these remark the wise Nichi Nichi take all baits off from hook. Then he drop bare hook in stream. All them sucker-fish cease to smile with gills and make hungry grab at hook, because this (they thinked to themselves) was such rare chance.

As consequence of this excitement Nichi Nichi catch 12,000 sucker-fish in 1 hour 20 minutes. These he made into canned salmon and grow very wealthy from such a Graft.

At time of death-bed he remarked to wife and children, “It would be sinful to waste good Bait on poor Fishes.”

So this proverb is pasted on all important Japanese tombs today:

“The gods have fixed the little brooks so that one sucker-fish is born each minute by clocktime. Who shall catch him, you or I?”

Hoping your printing-factory is doing good by all news and best wishes to friends,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

VI

HON. NIGGERS, WAS THEY FREED BY LINCOLN?

SAN FRANCISCO, Jan. 29th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper where Truth is oftenly found on
shrines & Virtue sets in very comfortable rocking-chair._

DEAREST SIR—Japanese Schoolboys does not addict therselves to gleeful laugh of mirth, because some Noble Thought might escape away never to be catched. What say American songer, Hon. Seth Lowell, about almanac:

“What is so scarce as a day in June?”

Answer is: A Noble Thought is more scarcer!

And yet this morning-time I was uttering several gleeful screams which was unavoidable to dodge. Editorial of newspaper-print say, “Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon must be voted for because of face which have close shave to that of Hon. Abraham Lincoln.” Then I was to blame for them mirthfulness which almost-so cause race-riot in Japanese section.

It has become fashionable in this kingdom, Mr. Editor, for candidates wishing to become President to resemble Hon. Abraham Lincoln so closely as possible to. This is frequently difficult. Hon. Cannon is like Hon. Lincoln to roots of whiskers, but them foliage does not indicate very much about what is going on inside of soul. Difference between Hon. Lincoln and Hon. Cannon is difference between high-thinking and high-tariff. Resemblance of them two great Statesmen is only chin-deep. I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, say-how that expressions of Hon. Fairbanks & Hon. Hughes could be changed by trimming to make look-like of Hon. Lincoln. I am alarmed to think. Perhaps-so that famous globe-racer, Hon. Taft, might be also arranged over in some way, but would he not lose considerable solid Japanese vote in doing thus? I am amazed to reply.

Maybe it would be more human-natural for candidates wishing to enjoy election to hire from some costumer following masquerade:

Hon. Cannon disguised as Abraham Lincoln.

Hon. Taft disguised as Bismarck.

Hon. Hughes disguised as Viscount Aoki.

Hon. Cortelyou disguised as John Drew.

Hon. Bryan disguised as Elbert Hubbard.

Hon. Fairbanks disguised as Uriah Keep.

Them costumes might be payed for by Campaign Contributions, but will they? Wall Street regard bribing as sinful during depression of hard times.

Before leaving off from Tokyo for these Uniteds State I was considerably weeped over by my Rev. Grandfather, Japanese of elderly principles who say-so to me, “Togo, you are going to that wild kingdom of America which is very full of savage Christians. Do not go to Indiana because Indians is found there.”

“I am disgusted to think,” I commute. “What shall I do in this America so as not to disgrace my long row of ancestors?”

“Find yourself some Ideal,” corrode Hon. Grandfather. “Make pickout of some famous American what you can live up to them. Select to be like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or E. H. Harriman. Thank you to choose.”

So I leave that dear ancestor to his rice-cake, tea-drunk, hara-kiri and other old-fashion Japanese customs and take Nippon Maru-boat for America. When I arrive to wharf I meet Cousin Nogi and enquire to know.

“Should Japanese Boy imitate performances of Hon. E. H. Harriman in order to become immediately immortal?”

“Too dangerous to do!” indicate this Nogi with American eye-wink. “Hon. Harriman is now being regulated by law.”

“How about Hon. Washington and Hon. Lincoln to copy for famous career?” I magnetize for emotion.

“Hon. Washington could not tell a lie, while Hon. Lincoln was celebrated for gleeful anecdotes. Therefore Lincoln was most ablest man of them two. Also because of early struggly of career he was noble example for all Japanese Schoolboys enjoying poverty for American education.”

Then Cousin Nogi, who is very addicted to paragraphs of Hon. Ida M. Tarbell, tell me following history of early Lincoln:

“When Hon. Abe Lincoln enjoy seven years of oldness,” carouse this Nogi, “he desire to be President of these Uniteds State which was then a republick by government.

“‘How can you manage to be this President and yet work on farm?’ his Rev. Mother enquire to know.

“‘By running odd-jobs before times & book-study afterwards,’ molest this youthful enthusiasm with smiling expression.

“So with immediate quickness he obtain job of employment mowing grass, keeping books and running elevator for neighbouring farmer. He also tilled some soil for people. When not doing this he was studying ‘How to Be President,’ a book by George Washington who was then enjoying pension for oldness.

“In book-studies & job-duties Hon. Lincoln spend 24 hours daily. Balance of time was devoted to recreations, sleep & other idleness of amusement. This continual drudgery of employment teach that Lincoln many useful things,” conduce Nogi at expiration of this history.

“Ah yes!” I collapse, “it teach him to sympathize for them Negroes who was also enjoying slavery.”

I am natural to ask question: Was it good thing to request them Negroes to stop slaving? I have required for reply of several Japanese about this Negro Problemb, but they are unamerous to reply, “We do not know any such coloured acquaintances, thank you!” And they are proud about it. I wrote letter of this Question to Hon. Booker Washington who answered by sending C. O. D. “How I Quit Being One,” a delightful volume full of adjectives. How to know about Negro Question then?