Chapter I: ANAZUMA—Japanese shave-proprietor (5)

1—English spirit of fair play must be visible everywheres. Hon.
Judge must be just to all nations so long as England are ahead.

2—When England are losing Hon. Judge can prevent this by ruling
Americans out of race for ungentlemanly conduct.

3—When American athlete are doing some up-jump exercises
British publick are warned not to assist him by courteous
remarks. When compelled to speak they will be permitted to say
“Boo!” “Obtain a horse!” or other wits of local flavour.

4—Since Hon. America has got a rawcuss voice several disputes
is bound to occur. So long as such fights is Parlamentry
& corteous, we do not objeck to it. Therefore we snuggest
following form of debate for all disputes:

_Hon. American Committee_—Why you dishqualify American run-man
from 400-meater race?

_Hon. Brittish Committee_—Because he are a fraud of
considerable professional trix. Also we suspect he murder his
mother in Omaha.

_Hon. Am. Com._—When you begin to suspect all them horble crime
against that young man?

_Hon. Brit. Com._—When he got 50 yard ahead of Brittish runner
in race.

_Hon. Am. Com._—Will you permit-it for Hon. America run-man to
race it again & show how swiftly he can?

_Hon. Brit. Com._—Answer is, No!! Because he could run several
footsteps better than Hon. Brittish run-man who would be beat.
It are slavish to be beat. Brittens seldom shall be slaves.

_Hon. Am. Com._—If our runs is the swiftest should they not
have the most medals pinned all over them?

_Hon. Brit. Com._—The race are not always for the swiftest,
Hon. Sir—not while Brittish gods are ruling Olympus!

5—After above dyelog rioting, cat-calling & other sports shall
be enjoyed & American athletes can go home or to any other
blazes they seen fit.

While attempting a slumber on couch of room Uncle Nichi & Cousin Nogi come in & make a joint debate with loud voices, which is very carelus about my health.

“Hon. London _Times_ decuss 400-meater-run in an entirely Christian way,” corrode Uncle Nichi who lacks dog-sense like O-Fido. “Them great & pompus news-print say: ‘It were a unfortunate incident—therefore it are closed.’”

“London _Times_ know-how to be nice to Americans on all occasions,” explode Nogi. “She speak of 400-meater run like she speak of Revolutional War & other uncleaned things.”

“America beat English in Revolutional War,” rasp Uncle for discovery.

“Of sure she did,” obligate Nogi, “but on them occasion she was the home team. If such a wars had been fot on Brittish soil maybe Hon. Geo. Washington would of been dishqualified for crowding Gen. Corn Wallace off track. Facts of history is often shaved by such close razors.”

“Sport between such great nations should be gentle & just, whitewashed with truth & free of grafts,” commute Unc.

“So should Christianity, Socialism & Hearst Independence Leg,” otter Nogi, “but are they?”

“Them great kingdoms should meet in a amature spirit,” I gap, because can’t sleep by racket.

“What you mean by ‘amature spirit’?” require Nichi.

“When Primrose Athletick Club & Telegraf Hill Wonders meet in vacated lot to enjoy baseball, then amature spirit are observed,” say Nogi. “Hon. Casey go to bat-stick. Some ball-throws is indulged for vain clubbing. ‘Outside, please!’ yall Hon. Empire. ‘Liar, please!’ jacklate Primrose Athleticks in unicorn. Language is thrown everywheres followed by bat-sticks, grand-stands, etc., which is beaten upon skull until intermission by Hon. Police.”

“And yet should civilized persons feel so bleed-thirsty about innocent & friendly sport?” ask Uncle to know.

“More fraxures, murders, assault & batters, divorces & strangles is caused by innocent & friendly sport than by jelousy, love, maniac, drunk & any other branch of crime excepting of Life Insurance. Look on blotter of Hon. Crime Court & see what blots appear there for following crimes:

Hon. Pat Sweeney, occupation brick-batter—crime, justifiable
homocide on innocent & friendly Umpire who decide against home
team. Discharged with honour.

Hon. Aug. Smutz, occupation German—crime, shoot and chop-up
best friend while try to teech him innocent & friendly game of
pinocle. Hanged because poor.

Hon. Archybald Smith, occupation Pickle Trust—crime, knocking
brains from a clergy with a mallet because he cheet in innocent
& friendly game of crokay. Saved by unwritten law & 6 weeks in
Mattywan with French chef.

Hon. J. D. Rockpiler, occupation grand larceny—crime, giving
rebates to a golf-caddy. Fine, $29,000,000 with liberal
discount in Court of Peals.

Hon. Mrs. Wilkins, occupation social vagrant—crime, bridge-play
while house was afire & husband broiled. Discharged by advice
of husband who was a first offense.

Hon. Eli. McYale, alias “Spud,” alias “Locomotive,” alias
“Kangaroo,” occupation college-student—crime, feetball with
intent to kill. Out on bale till after feetball season when he
will come back, please, and be electrocuted.

Hon. Ripi Gavotti & Hon. Peter Hooley, occupation
neighbours—crime, mayhem committed while watching a innocent &
friendly dog-fight. Hon. Gavotti bite away ear from Hon. Hooley
to prove he got the most intelligent dog. Prisoners discharged
by Judge who also love dogs.

When Uncle Nichi hear-it all them record of horble crimes he become seriously Japanese.

“O-so!” he-say, “Must there be a war between America & England because of a mere feet-race?”

“If a mere feet-race can’t start a war, nothing can. Who can imagine them two great & dignified peoples making such hell-baloo over seal-fisheries or boundery-line between U. S. & Canada or small trifle like annexation of Ireland? Did Brittish publick stand around and yall ‘Boo!’ to rattle American diplomat during contest of Hay-Pauncefaute treaty? Ah no! But when a craven foe land on Brittish soil to peril sacred rite of hop-skip-and-jump what son of Brittania so callus not to scream?”

“I got a poem,” I say for headache. “It sound delicious in Japanese—therefore excuse following translation:

_INTERNATIONAL CEMENT_

The Lion to the Eagly say, “We two is one same feather;
We done too much of sware & fite—now let us play together.”

So on them nice Olympus road they meet some games to try out—
The Eagly-bird he watch his chance & scrape them Lion’s eye out.

“Fowl play!” all Lion Cubs they cry; so all them beasts they pair off
And Lion claws make feathers fly while Eagly’s tear-off hair-off.

Them Lion-dog make rory-rores as in the race he led off
And when he reach the second lap he eat them Eagly’s head off.

The Birds & Beasts of all the world they cry with looks appealing,
“O such a comick way to start a Era of Good Feeling!

“It once was ‘Hands Across the Sea—’ but now we got the notion
That all the instinck that they got is ‘Claws Across the Ocean.’

“There’s nothing like them Ties of Blood to keep such friends together—
There goes the Lion’s other eye—there goes a Eagly feather!”

And so they fot till they was weak, and then they sadly went off
To count their scratches, dress their wounds—and pick that darn Cement
off.

Mr. Editor, entire trouble with them Olympus games was that American athletes was handicapped by English sense of Fair Play which are a famous & sacred thing & will stop at nothing when it get a chance. English Fair Play have always been a deliciously important fackter in her Colonial Policy. It were that same holy fire what give to America a Stamp Act & Taxation without Representations; send Lord Clive on famous jewel-robberies among Moguls what was entirely pagan & needed doing; force hon. opium-smoke down palate of Hon. China so she would sleep better; and sley Mary, Queen of Scotch, with a hatchet because she live in the suburbs.

What-say renewed Irish Orator about England. He-say, “O perfidious Albino!” I am sly about repeating such mean curses.

Strength of Hon. England are this: she can lie longer, steal stronger & look more respectable than any other ancient Nation now living. America is filled with disgusting Grafts, but Hon. England have got only a House of Lords decorated with coated arms & vested rights. London are poplus with Life Insurance Presidents disguised as Missionaries. If Jo-uncle Cannon had a accent made in Oxford & a suit of clothing made in Hanover Square he would not need to change his politicks before setting in the House of Lords. I are very nervous about England’s soul.

Cousin Nogi, who partly agree with me in some things, say, “I are joyfully congratulated not to be mixed up in such Olympus affairs.”

“English sense of Fair Play are a joke,” I scorch.

“Perhapsly that are why it are took so seriously in England,” make-up Nogi.

Hoping you are the same,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—O-Fido, Hon. Pup to which I belong, show symptom of being a dash-hound.

“Call him Cassius,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr. “Why-it?” is inquiry for me.

“Hon. Shakespeare say about Cassius, ‘In him the elements so mixed up that all-world might stand around & say, “This was a dog.”’”

H. T.

XXIII

OUTSIDE EXERCISES FOR HEALTH

SAN FRANCISCO, August 22d.

_Editor N. Y. Newspaper who must attend to spin-around of world
while others fish._

DEAR SIR—Year of America are divided into 2 sessions: Winter & Summer. Winter are devote to acquiring disease inside; Summer are devote to getting rid of them outside. Winter are dedicate to serious pursuit of money; Summer are devote to fooly pursuit of rest. Both are good ways to know and increase Hon. Death Rates.

Predatory gentlemans what are rich enough to agree with Hon. Judiciary about Injunctions, etc., can afford some French-speaking automobiles of 60 horse-power and go out for pursue a rest. Man who break Interstate Commerce law a little while can break speed-law the rest of his entire existence. I know because I watch him.

Americans go for rest with energy of human bullets. Japanese Schoolboy stand by side of roadside & shelter self from strokes by raspberry trees. Soonly there is a red whizz passing. It are a automobile of French extraction and Irish disposition. By front seat sets fatty gentleman who is a owner of some trusts, because he look like it. Nearly to him sets Hon. Chaffer clasping teeth for nerves.

“What speedometer is it?” ask Hon. Truster eating some dust.

“60-mile hourly we are going it,” say-he with wheels.

“Extreme slowness,” derange Hon. Finance.

More pushes by gasolene.

“Of what speedness now?” examine them Trust Magnet.

“75 mile horse-power,” say Hon. Chaffer with lung.

“Exaggerate it!” elapse Hon. Boss for mania.

Hon. Chaffer try-to, but Hon. Car make angry rage of cogs & do an explosion by fence where fraxions must be collected patiently. Injury is enjoyed by all passengers who is afar off among clover-field where they flew to.

I am a hospital corps to that very ill Trust & await to interview him with bandages.

“Where was you going so hasty?” is first question for me.

“Not sure,” say-he, “but I was rapidly approaching there.”

“What was you looking after so whizzy?” negotiate me.

“A rest,” he corrode for dying smiles.

“You have found it too suddenly,” I commute with epitaph expressions. “Therefore you may rest in fractions.”

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, to remain good-healthy it are nice to choose some exercise what you will not be killed by. Motor-car axidents, although a very wealthy sport, are a too violent physical culture for Japanese Boy who would prefer to be alive & slightly sick much rather than to be dead & in splandid muscular condition. Considerable Heroes of antiques has did jiu jitsu to Tyrants and yet been entirely ignorant of Hon. Spalding’s Feetball Guide. But them things happened in very former times.

Shortly ago I become nervous about high education of brain. “I must see some scholars doing it,” I narrate to myself; so for car-fare I go visit one intelligent Red Colledge what are nearly here. When I approach near to campuss I am aware of excitable sing-song of loud mail voices saying something together.

“So lofty!” I dib. “They are resighting passages of Grecian poetry in chorus so they all will get 100% mark for classick examination!” I make excited breath & hurry foots to where it happen.

There beholt! was all young youths of this Red Colledge stooding together for wave of danger-signal flags & saying following rotation for voice-culture:

“Hurrah! Hurrah!
Play glibly
And do more of!!
O!!!
Such a bully for you!”

(Repeat this several times for imagination.)

And by opposite chairs was setting a Blue Colledge with appropriate shade of wave-flag with which they make wigwag signals to following rotation for voice-culture:

“Sissy-boom!
What is wrong with us?
By investigation we find
We are considerably all right—
Therefore Hurrah HURRAH!!”

On smooth place between grandstands was 2 teams of red & blue baseballers playing it with batty acrobaticks. One youngful man containing red sox was considerably idealized by Red Colledge because he was a Hon. Pitch and could act deceptively while shooting fastly to Hon. Catch. When Hon. Bat would make swipe-stick knocks at Hon. Ball what go by without injury, then entirely that Red Colledge would scream up, “O Smith, Smith, you are so good to do it!!”

When Hon. Blue Runner would attempt to slide on knuckles & Hon. Red Pitch would observe him with deceptive throw, then such banzais from Hon. Red Colledge what would hoola out loud, “Hurrah some more for Hon. Smith who deserve it!”

I stand by-next to one Hon. Professor what was also shouting with gilt spectacles.

“Mr. Sir,” I commune, “why this Colledge make such proud whoop-up for that Smith youth, please?”

“Hon. Smith are most smartest man in Colledge,” say Hon. Professor with surprise for ignorance.

“Ah!” I collide. “So thankful to see such a leader of thought! By what branches of brain do he most exsel in these classick hallways of Mrs. Minerva?”

“He are a hundred yard dasher of 9 seconds, he are a pole-jump of 12 feet, for 2 years he play short-stop on feetball game and can throw a spitting baseball in circles around all batty athletes.”

“He must be a very high educated man,” I combust; “I bet your bootware that Hon. Shakespeare could not do nothing like that.”

“Hon. Shakespeare was neglected in childhood,” say Prof. “So he never go to colledge to learn how.”

“So sorry for that!” I ratify. “Do this Hon. Smith have very muscular mind for study of Grecian poetry?”

“Scarcely if seldom,” mitigate Hon. Prof. “Faculty of this Colledge do not believe in making bright mind of youth sad by too much read on subjecks of solum & trajick Greek poetries.”

“They should read Hon. Aristophanes,” I say-so, “for he was considered a very comick Greek poet.”

“Maybe-so he were,” dib them Prof. “But I have been teacher of classick literature for 35 tiresome years, and never yet have I saw any colledge boys tickling themselves to death with jokes from that Hon. Aristophanes.”

I am entirely flabbed. So I go to Carnegie Library of them Colledge to see by quiet look how many of them student was improving inside of skulls by books. And there what see? Three Japanese students setting in bench for lonesome company. One of them was studying “Antique War Map of Battle of Marathon.” Other was taking light chew from “Co-tangent Theory about Circular Orbits,” and other one was trying to translate works of James Whatcome Riley into Japanese.

I sneak silently out with mollycuddle feelings of instep.

Sydney Katsu say-so that game of Golluf are called “sport of kings.” Therefore if any private gentleman wishes to become a king or something in America he must go to meadows and learn how-play this peculiar knocking game. When Hon. Rockefeller lernt it he became a Oil King & still continues to exercise.

Before Hon. Roosevelt decided to appoint Hon. Taft to be King of America he-say him: “Hon. Bill, what kind of a athlete are you, please?”

“I are a very distinguished trot,” narrate Wm. “I have become noted by running from places to places.”

“These U. S. won’t not stand no more fat heroes,” say Hon. Roosevelt. “What possibly good it do you to have newspaper print say ‘Hon. Taft spend 24 hours daily at desk?’ Small or less. But have war correspondent say ‘Hon. Taft spend 24 hours daily tearing teeth out of wild bulls’ and you will be called upon by 1,000 photographers & Frederick Remington.”

Hon. Taft set silently eating fattening cigars.

“When you are training to be a king,” say Hon. Theo, “you must exercise to develop considerable chest.”

“I have a developed chest already,” snuggest Hon. Taft, drawing his belt close around.

“Assuredly you have,” say Hon. President, “but you should wear it higher so that it would show to better advantage.”

“How to begin to be a National Athlete?” say Hon. Wm.

“I began by breaking horses,” say Hon. Theo.

“I can easily break the stoutest horse by setting on him,” abrogate Hon. Taft.

“I am disgusted by such a set-pat policy,” say ruler of nation. “If you can not take exercise you can at least play Golluf.”

So Hon. Roosevelt loand Hon. Taft a big club if he promise not to broke it & he find a nice, green link near Light House at Washington where he practise Hon. Golluf Game. On door of Sec. of War it are now a easy snap to find following card:

HON. WM. H. TAFT
ARE ABSENT ON LINK TO PLAY GOLLUF GAME FROM 2 TO 4
DAILY TILL AFTER ELECTION.

MOVING PICTURE MAN
IS CORDIALLY INVITED TO BE THERE

Mr. Editor, what are most principally shocky & surprise to me about outside exercises enjoyed by Americans is that they takes them in such a light & frivlus spirit of josher. Are game of health-bring and deep breathing merely a funny laugh-at thing? Answer is, No!!

It sadden my pulse to see American family by good elderly summertime pack trunk to go shore-side. Why they sing & whistle comick song about “I am timid to return home in darkness”? Why so happy & frolick for as they are gone down to train? Do they not know that they are sujurning away for benefit of kidney, liver & lung, which is hyjean & therefore kind of sacred because it can do a great deal of harm to all human races? By border of ocean they go to some light hotel & dip slightly in tidy serf of sea, they lole upon sand in delighted clothing, they puff cigarette, they drink intoxicated ginriksha. By moontime they practise whatever flirting is necessary—no thoughts of their scientifick insides.

Ah, vacation should be a more solum & useful improvement! Japanese athlete would arise more sadder & stern by 6 of clocktime in morning to do 986 dips with backbone for benefit of interior digestion. He would measure self by Bertillon system by each hourly prompt. Then he would feel strong & well, or else he wouldn’t. Vacation are nothing to laugh at as if it was a jokes.

* * * * *

But Cousin Nogi are got so sinical he make Sneer-face at everything including sacred subjecks & Tariff. Last night we go hear Prof. Matsuki, Japanese hyjean, lecture-talk to Asiatick Y. M. C. A.

“Intellectual gymnasiums, together with nurshing food,” say Hon. Matsuki, “have increased stature of Japanese nation 6 inches in last 10 years.”

Cousin Nogi deliver me one mean pinch by leg-joint.

“I shall give you a hit unless stop!” I dib for pain.

“Listen to them lecture what he say-it!” fatigue Nogi. “He-say each Japanese by exercises & feed has grew 6 inches in 10 year-time. At them rate they will all be 5 ft. 10 inches by 1918.”

“That are a nice patriotick average for me,” I surround.

“By keeping on with eat & gymnastus they will all be 6 ft. 10 inches in 1938. What, then, would keep all Japanese from being 8 ft. 10 inches lofty in year 1978?”

“Nothing but laziness,” I repose for answer.

“The Japanese is aptly determined,” decry Nogi, showing satire by nose. “If they use considerable Christian Science about growing up could they not become physical sky-scrapes in time?”

“They might, but could they?” is answer for me.

“And what if they attained such a lofty?” locate Nogi with skeptick look from Missouri, “would they be more smart if? Physical culture do not make persons able to lecture on works of Browning and Chiropodes. Hon. James Jeffries are a very physical cultured man, yet he can only lick one person at a time. Hon. Napoleon, what was a brief man with a circular stummick, could combatter 10,000 talented Germans by twist of his thumbs.”

“Yet Hon. Napoleon were finally a sick failure,” I announce for sighs.

“Of surely he were not!” dib that heated Nogi. “If he were a failure how he got his nephew that high job in Roosevelt Cabinet?”

I am confused to answer.

Hoping you are the same, I am

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XXIV

CAN HON. NORTH POLE BE DETECTED?

SAN FRANCISCO, August 26th.

_To Editor New York newspaper which shoots out Truth like a
soda fountain & serve it with very tasty flavours to all-kind
of humans._

DEAR SIR—I am bed-riding now, thank you, for illness of head. So sorry I go Fresno last week to seek-it where work was to be got among Hon. Grapes, but not for me. The weather had a temperament of 98° in shadow & pretty soonly I am discovered enjoying a sunstrike by dusty road. “Poor Japanese Boy!” collapse kind Mr. Jackson, who is a sweet philanthropy; so he ship me backwards to this dear San Francisco and donate me $10 weekly so long as I am sick.

On such a salary I shall be liesurely about getting well.

* * * * *

So here I are, Mr. Editor, once more again at Patriots of Japan Board & Lodging, where I receive all Japanese and American friends who will be polite guests & please not bring no more flours because my hon. bedroom become stuffy with such fragral smells. Candy & light sandwitches, howeverly, will be welcome day & night.

Cousin Nogi, Arthur Kickahajama, Uncle Nichi, Sydney Katsu Jr., Little Annie Anazuma & Frank the Japanned Bootpolish make walk-in to my room this morning to be a Tennis Cabinet for me. They bring golden thoughts, but nothing more expensive.

“In Idaho & Colorado where ladies is compelled to smoke cigarettes and act manly on election days,” say Cousin Nogi, “there Hon. Frank H. Hitchcock will get elected by a unamerous majority because of his beautiful eyes and hair.”

“He will be very popular in high schools, Vassars, etc., because of his sweet expression,” olicute little Annie.

“Will such a expressions make him popular among campaign contributions?” contribute Japanned Frank with steam-roller sniff.

My Hon. Friends then begin making talk all over my very sick bed with awful feverish debats until I groan from hot brows, because I got a sun-strike. Political conversation next turn to all-kinds tropickal subjecks. Cousin Nogi mention Hon. Revolution in Honaduras; Japanned Frank say-so that Hon. Cuba can’t never escape from Hon. Taft when he got it; Uncle Nichi enquire to know if Rep Party will continue to be useless about Philippine tobacco; and Little Annie Anazuma tell of paper-news she read about hon. yellow fever enjoyed by Hon. Dirt Digs of Panama Canal.

I put hand to my boiled skull & collapse with gasps.

“You are a loud noise,” I liquidate. “When you come to bedstead of a sunstruck person, why you all-time talk about politicks what are happening all over Hon. Equator?”

“Would some breezy topick of conversations be more pleasant for such a sun-strike?” enquire Uncle Nichi with farm-yard voice.

“Iced thoughts would be very nice for brain,” I dib with fan.

Then up say Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy who will be a heathen 2 weeks more before vacation is over,

“I have got just such a cold topicks,” he-say. “Hon. Adm. Peary, intemperate explorer on cold-weather boat _Roosevelt_, have started for Swartzburger, Sweden, in hopes that he will discovery an entirely iced Pole before it melts.”

“Thank you so much, Arthur Kickahajama,” I sigh-up for relief, “already I feel some pleasant chills in my vertebral.”

“In his kitty of supplies,” say Arthur, “Hon. Peary have took 750 blankets of red flannel complexion, 100 grizzly-skin pajamas, 60 Tiny Wonder gas-heaters, 7 tons axle-greeze to use as butter when starving & 20 doggy-sleys with limousine tops to keep off cold.”

“What are he going to North Pole for if he desire to keep off cold?” I enquire with sun-stroke gasps.

“I am confused about it,” say Arthur. “Hon. Peary perform a interview for N. Y. _Journals_ before depart. ‘Are you afraid of a freeze?’ Hon. Reporter ask to know. ‘No, I are not,’ he reply for pride.”

“All Arctick explorers is entirely fearless about freezing in July,” report little Annie Anazuma, who are a bright for her nine-year age.

“If a good detective should discover this Pole what would he discover?” require Uncle Nichi, who is becoming educated in American telephones.

“He would discover considerable bad weather,” abrogate Nogi.

“Should a person go through such a pearil & danger to discover bad weather?” say Uncle who can enquire if nothing else.

“It are the pearil & danger what makes all them furry gentlemans so anxious to get it,” say Nogi. “If Hon. North Pole was in our back yard who would care to have it?”

“I should like some chunks for headache,” I negligè with pained eyebrows.

“Polar discovery are a nice sport for Investigators,” devote Frank.

“What would they investigate at North Pole?” require Nogi for scorn. “Is there some Grafts at North Pole? Have it got a Saloon Evil like Chicago, or a Labour Trouble like Idaho, or a Railroad Problemb like Illinois, or some Favourite Sons like Ohio, or a Musical Mayor like San Francisco, or some Senate Undesirables like Washington? If Hon. Pole ain’t got no Hon. Shames like them I mention it should be let alone. If it _have_ got such a Grafts they must be nicely packed in ice where they will keep forever unless disturbed. Why should a refined N. Y. gentleman travel all-way to Latitude 0 for find some cold-storage graft when he can get it entire year round in Philadelphia?”

“We ask to know!” collapse my Japanese Friends in unicorn & leave me alonesome with my sick medicines.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, as I continue enjoying sickness I got time to think about important topicks in an entirely fooly way. I think about all them American & English gentlemans what has seeked North Pole because they was not tame enough to enjoy game of golluf and bridge-card. How much more jollifying to go straggling for deathsome effort over dreer waists of ice with full heart and empty stummick—how much more pleasant this are than continually gollufing over the links with a retired cloak manufacturer what can’t talk about nothing else besides roomatism & Marie Corelli! When Hon. Arctick Explorer think of some persons he have left behind his awful solitude become entirely cozy.

Mr. Editor, what nationality of human races has not enjoyed hunting for Poles? Irish mans, Americans, Danes, Swedishes, all make rapid vi with each other for this sport. Hon. Russian police is also fond of hunting Poles, but them is usually of an entirely Jewish variety. Hon. Duke de Bruzzi were unable, thank you, to observe the Hon. Pole to discover it; but he recently discover America with a very matrimonial expression. Only human nationalities which does not care about dashes to North Pole is Hon. Niggers which is too lazy and Hon. Japanese which has got too much sense.

Hon. Walter Wellman of Chicago discover Hon. Pole in a airship. Hon. Magazines, Newspaper press, etc., all get delicious accounts about Hon. Wellman’s discovery long-time before it happen, which was fortunate because it never did. Great day of discovery arrive. “Are you ready, Hon. Wellman?” require Hon. Photographer with Chicago accent. “Of sure I are!” explode Hon. Wellman, who was without a daunt. “Then cut-it the string!” say-all, and Hon. Airship arise to duzzy hight of 18 feet where Hon. Wellman could see distinctly maglificant penorama of Arctick scenery with nice fotos of Alice Boreas all lit up, which he send to Chicago newsoffice with report, “I am sure Hon. North Pole are still over there.” Then his airship descend down with a bursted stummick.

Since then Hon. Wellman have turned from Baloons to Bryan. He-say for recent newspaper article: “Hon. Bryan will of sure get to White House by a short cut.” If Hon. Bryan start to White House by Hon. Wellman windship he might get there, but would he?

Mr. Editor, I have following poetick rapture because my head is sick:

Columbus say the World go roundy-round
Just like bisickel wheel do, day & night;
The Pole it are a Hub which move that ground
And are too busy, thanks, to act polite.

The Pole he got a quite important task
And must be enerjetick all he can;
He dib, “Get out!” when persons come to ask—
He hard to find like E. H. Harriman.

The Pole he manage all them rolling-stock
And boss the world whatever way he please.
When Muckrakes come to write him up for shock
He say, “Refuse to answer,” then he freeze.

The Pole he are a predatory Graft,
A short-but-ugly word, yet on he go
With utter disregard of Time & Taft—
A Solid Plutocrat of ice and snow.

Mr. Editor, I am aware why Hon. Peary boat are called the _Roosevelt_. It are because it are a hot thing in a cold climbate—also because it are a champion ice-burster. (At least smile at this, please, because it would sound delicious in Japanese.)

Seriously thinking it, I shall not prevent that Hon. Peary from going to North Pole as oftenly as whimsical; and yet I peev with complaint because he do it on so small scales. He are a small dealer in Poles, therefore he should be crowded to wall by all rules of Interstate Commerce. Would it not be more better for civilization if Arctick Circle was organized into exploration Trust with $20,000,000 capital and several Senators? You bet your bootware such a Trust would get to Pole & build trolley to there in less time than it take to pass a Forest Reserve Bill. I am surprised that such a Trust has not thought of this already, for what-say Hon. Kipling? He-say: “Is seldom a law of man or God found North of 23.”

Such a climbate would be awfully ideel for a Trust.

Yet I am suspicious. If Hon. Wall Street are not interested in North Pole there must be deliciously little laying loose around there to steal.

For final thought, Hon. Sir, I suspect that considerable salt-drip of tears is waisted on them cool heroes of far North. Mrs. Lusy Macdonald, tender & fat angel, say: “Poor mans, not to have fresh asparagus for months in & out!”

“Truly so,” I navigate, “but if they have no fresh asparagus, they also has no mosquitos.”

“Togo, should you like to be a Arctick Explorer you talk like?” she ask it.

“I should like to be ½ a Arctick Explorer,” I struggle. “If I was permitted to do so I should enjoy to be Hon. Peary during June, July, August & Sept. During Fall & Winter months I should be pleased to spread gospels among better warmed cannibels of South Seas.”

“Both are noble trades for a hero,” say-she for kind sentiment.

“It are pleasant to be useless during vacations,” I dib.

With love to Senator Lodge & other successful Eskimos,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XXV

HIGH TARIFF ON PRINCES

SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 1st.

_To Editor of New York Newspaper which must be very
marriageable person, if he has not already attended his own._

HON. MR.—Frank the Japanned Bootpolish, who is a mental Socialist, say me this statistick for peevish argument:

“Twenty-five thousand pairs of people is married together by each day in these U. S.”

“Such delicious number of happiness!” I commit, pointing to Utah on map.

“Of them 25,000 wedding ceremonies,” derange Frank with Harvard expression, “at leastly 23,000 is International Marriages, including, by police-record, following races: Huns, Finns, Siberians, Liberians, Polaks, Mollusks, Mazourkas, Dons, Otts, and Pennsylvanians.”

“Them races is told apart by washing them,” I deride for conversation.

“Of them 23,000 assorted foreigns getting married together by each day, maybe there is a few number with something queer about them; maybe 100 of them has clubbed feets, 50 of them is double-jointed dwarfs, 10 of them has two heads apiece, 6 of them is Siamese twins, and 1 or 2 of them is a Duke or something.”

“Do newspaper-press mention with loud excitement the marriage of all them Hon. Freaks?” I ask for knowledge.

“Seldom if any,” say Frank the Japanned Bootpolish. “What say Hon. Shakespeare about International Marriages? He-say, ‘When Princes wed there is such big show that other Hon. Freaks must crawl out under tent.’”

“Do you not say jokey-talk when you mention that Hon. Prince among other Hon. Freaks?” I inquire to know.

“Ah no!” rejoy that Frank. “Is not one Hon. Prince some Freak? Yes, surely so! Is not one baby born with crown on top of skull as curio to see as one baby born with six ears? Boots can be bet on it!”

“Too sad,” I collapse with tear-drop of eye. “When one Hon. Prince come to this U. S. persons should be more politeness. They should not make groups around him with scissors to cut away souveners from him. They should not lift off his Hon. Derby to take peeps at his Hon. Crown. Maybe he is sensitive about his deformity!”

“Hon. Princes is not entirely like other common Freaks,” debate Hon. Frank.

“With what for difference?” I reject.

“Common Freaks is supported by Museums which do very well. Hon. Princes is supported by Tradition which often forget to pay salary. Hence appropriations must be voted in U. S. Senate for International Marriages.”

My cousin Nogi, which hear them words we spoke in Japanese syllables, come up and say,

“If Hon. Senator Pelkins permit Hon. Duke de Buzzi to marry his family, will this not be considered unpatriotick act to do? Will not Hon. Senator occupy anonamous position in U. S. Senate?” This from Nogi.

“I am reminded of fudge!” I relapse with expression of iced aristocrat. “He will occupy elsewhere position!”

“What committee in U. S. Senate could endure such Hon. Senator when so related to pompous crown of Italy?” require Japanned Frank.

“Committee on Foreign Relations would be very nice seat for such Senator,” I commute with decorated appearance from eyebrow.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, I am a shock & grief to see attitudes of this America to them Nobilities caming here in seek for employment. Why for is such high-tariff policy in this free kingdom on them European manufactured goods like automobiles, barons and carved sculptors? America are entirely anxious to become civilized—yet how can she get it without some of them things made in Germany for small price? In France any mechanical working-girl can afford to buy one small Baron on easy installment plan. In Italy they are served as waiters with meals. Americans may collect them in all countries of Europe, but in Custom House of U. S. they are insulted and treated like works of art, because Hon. Jo-uncle Cannon are so chivalrous about Hon. Sugar & Tobacco.

But ah! I know, Mr. Editor. Hashimura Togo are on to some sure wisdom about why them Hon. Nobles is so rare to get in this America when delicious to have! Hon. Trusts do it!! It are one Combination in Restraint of Trade. Day-by-year Hon. Small Dealer is crowdy to wall. How often do Dukes come to America with purpose of marrying some Common People? Never if seldom—except when them Common People is rich as they are common. Who get first pick-out of the Sizzyeni and De Chagrin families when they arrive to Custom House? Do Hon. Employment Bureaus? Do Plumbers & Joiners Union? Do Beneficial Order of Elks?

Reply is, NO! Who do, then? For answer write to Hon. La Folette who will send, by stamp, list of persons who done it, including 97 varieties of wealth.

* * * * *

Hon. Henry Watterson, who is official thinker for Kentucky, say-so that this kingdom is deliciously disgusted about Princes because it are entirely Democratick by vote. Foreign titles give especial loathing to desperate patriots like Hon. Hearst, who say that all Dukes ought to be shot; so he do so, thank you, with foto camera.

During the wedding season in America it are nice trick for Japanese Schoolboy to set in sofa of very gilt hotel and watch something. Pretty soonly it arrive. It is one quiet gentleman of grey finish who make sneak-walk in at tradesman entrance of hotel. He is scarcely to be noticeable except for fact that he wear blue goggles & green beard to appear natural. As he approach to desk of Hon. Clerk there is nervous creaking of furniture where Hon. Reporters is hidden in.

“Name, please, to register it!” say Hon. Clerk with pen.

“John Smith of Nebraska,” remit them stranger with Kansas accent.

“You are a ugly word!” renig that Clerk with teeth. “Nobody in Nebraska have such queer name like John Smith.”

(Impatient noises heard from kodaks behind furniture.)

“On what business are you here on?” relapse Hon. Clerk.

“I ain’t not here on no business. I are——”

“You _are_,” abjurgate Clerk, “then you admit it!”

“He admit it!!” cry-out 17 Reporters & 9 Photographers arising from furniture.

“Which do I admit?” desire Hon. Stranger beginning to make tears.

“You are the Prince de Chagrin!” collapse all in unicorn.

“Discovery!” cry that unhappy Prince, fainting away into bar-room. All kodaks explode simultaneously.

With immediate quickness that Hotel become one International Affair. Telegraf editors of all prominent newspresses set desks in lobby to be near it; hallway in front of bedroom where Hon. Prince is awake, is full with interviewers, biographers, historians, popular novelists, muck-rakers, scratch-artists, paint-artists, photographers & engravers.

Pretty soonly _Evening Bagpipe_ come out. On back page is grand editorial of magnificent tipe of title “How We Despise that Nobility!” To prove them contempt of nobility, _Evening Bagpipe_ print live-size portrait on front page showing Hon. de Chagrin being draped in automobile with America & French flags by Cupid & mothology ladies. By each ½ hour _Evening Bagpipe_ arrive with extra edition to tell what might be next, as follows:

_10 o’clock extra!_—Prince de Chagrin took elevator to
wine-room and say, “Make it two!” This is an almost proof that
he is engaged.

_10:30 double extra!!_—Royal Prince de Chagrin was saw
looking at palace of Hon. J. W. Moneywortz this morning with
matrimonial expression.

_11 o’clock pink extra!!!_—His Highness, Prince de Chagrin,
shook hands with Senator Johnson with democratick laugh. Hon.
Senator, with great presence of mind, said, “My daughter is
already married.”

_11:30 double pink sporting extra!!!!_—His Royal Highness,
Prince de Chagrin, stopped at Seidlitz Gallery and looked 1½
minutes at photo of famous chorus-girl. Thrilling story of this
lady’s life (if she got one) will appear in 3 color for Sunday
extra supplement with souvenir toy baloons.

_12 o’clock green international suicide extra!!!!!_—His
Majesty, Prince de Chagrin, have disappeared. Nobody else is
missing—what to tell?

_13 o’clock extra, extra, extra!!!!!!_—Hon. Emperor de Chagrin
traced 5 miles on road to Chicago by broken kodaks. Maybe it
was someone else.

By lamplight yesterday I attend one Hon. Lecture at Socialist Hall.

“Time will came, and soonly,” say Hon. Lecture “when working man of America will got everything he want.”

“Will he got a foreign title for self & family?” I enquire with voice.

For them question I was rejected for being a Japanese Spy.

And yet it was a fairful question to reply. If Hon. Workman deserve to own the Trusts he also deserve to own them Dukes & Princes what Hon. Trusts is working seriously to make corner for. If Hon. Farmer of rural populus can have 1 automobile and his Hon. Wife 1 Pianola, can not his Hon. Daughter set on porch with some Italian Nobility by summer evening? Can not Petaluma _Clarion_ appear each weekly with following gossip of neighbouring live-stock:

“Bill Brown’s daughter, Countess Rockheimer & husband, made visit to the farm this week. Welcome, strangers!

“Si Perkins, Marquis of Perkins Corners, was out plowing the North Acre on Saturday. His Lordship is a very fine hustle.

“There is one new Duke in the Snodgrass family. It’s a boy this time.

“Senator Elkhorn of Coalopolis are absent from town on trip to St. Petersburg for visit his son-in-law the Czar of Russia. Town looks pretty dead without the genial Senator!”

No, Mr. Editor, trouble with this country is not too many Dukes, but too less of them. If Americans seen a Duke in every cigar-store they would not name cigars after him. This is also found amongst lower species. Insects is arranged carefully in glass boxes and named after difficult Latin poets as long as they are scarce and sly about being coaxed by collectors. But when them same Hon. Insects is discovered in colonies leading simple life among potato plants they are generally regarded to be Bugs. Thus I transfer it from Japanese poetry:

If Grasshop Bugs was merely scarce to see
And human persons was not used to its
Remarkabilious ways, all-world might be
Admiring of his limbs the way they fits.

But Grasshop Bugs has got around so thick
That persons sweep them up in pans and pails,
And Poets, while them lovelus Grasshops kick,
Are somewheres else admiring Nightingales!

I am given to be understood that Hon. King Manuel of Portugal are looking for young lady willing to be queen. Them news are causing very dangerous heart-throb in family circle of U. S. Senate.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—One banzai thought! Several months pass-by ago one imperious Japanese Prince make visit to America. Since he return to Japan there has not been least slightest rumor of engagement to him of Miss Vanderhooley of Newport. How he escape from? This is one other evidence of superior Japanese stratagem. I have feeling of boast!

H. T.

XXVI

THE SERVANT PROBLEMB

SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 11th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper which make very tough projectile
for mind to chew._

HON. MR. SIR—At Asiatick Delight Japanese Employment Bureau where I am found mostly always pleading for jobs with price $2, kindness loan of Cousin Nogi, I am a stand-up in line yesterday with other 43 Japanese Schoolboys which was also nervus about it. S. Muto, Prop. of this Hon. Bureau, see me with smile of riticule, because he do.

“Togo you are residing here so oftenly you might bring trunk and sleep. Why so jobless all time? When I give you delicious something to do it, you are back by return carfare for more.”

“Your jobs is all perishable, Hon. Muto,” I exaggerate. “They will not keep in such climate.”

“You are also unkept,” decompose this Muto. “You are a wrong Japanese to speek such slamber about my jobs. You are a Servant Problemb!”

At such American insult I feel Samurai instinct with wrists. My interior soul make kicking performance of jiu jitsu—but outside my moustache I am a very smiling embassy like Hon. Baron Takahira.

“I am so delight to hear!” I renig for sarcastick. “I am aware of being a Yellow Peril—to be also a Servant Problemb are considerable distinguish. I am pretty pride about myself to be so much altogether.”

“Why so you no stick to one job of work and thusly gain experience by?” he denounce.

“Because-so,” I report. “Thank you, I can gain considerable plenty experience by losing jobs. I know because I do.”

“It are person like you that make Servant Problemb in this kingdom,” collapse Hon. Muto with peev.

“If I are such fine Servant Problemb,” I say with voice, “why you no get me one job doing it? Maybe some sweet-hearted American wish to hire such a Problemb for $3 a week & board it. So I shall willingly go there with valise.”

“Have you got some good references of recommend to show you could hold situation of Servant Problemb elsewheres?” he say it.

“Of sure I have!” I degrade, so I took from my inward vest following recommend of my intelligence which I wrote myself:

1—Mrs. C. W. O’Brien, honourable lady, where I do table-wait
& terrible ordeel from fresh American gentleman who say “Jap
boy!” with voice so I am very sorry when hot soup drown him at
collar & I am next irritate to race-riot with Whang So, China
boy of dogly face & terminate there by hanging him by the tail
of his head to hon. doorknob. Good-bye, Mrs. C. W. O’Brien!
Time there was 3 week.

2—Hon. Miss Maizie Jone, young lady of considerable antiquity &
large average weight, promise pay me 10c hr. teach her bisickle
ride. I teach her gently by up-hill; but by down-hill teaching
become deliciously rapid because of nervousness enjoyed by
hon. machinery. Japanese Boy is earnest to stop it & can not
do until Baker Wagon ensue & leave Hon. Maizie broken among
machinery. I am Hospital Corps for help; but Hon. Maizie become
loudly thankless. Time there was ½ hr & no pay.

3—Board House of Mrs. Van Horn. There I am guaranteed for
experienced window-wash. This is high task of scrubbing and I
am serious about it until suds-bucket overspill 3 stories to
top of Episcopal Clergyman who notice it. Hashimura Togo depart
with fire-alarm. Time there was 2 days, 15 minite.

4—Golden West Garage where I am manicure for automobiles. “Are
you acquainted to do?” say Hon. Boss. “O gladly!” I bereft. I
try, but Hon. Gasolene object by explosion. I do not care for
this place. Time there was 6 minites.

5—I am nurse-maiden for delighted home of Duglas Willkins,
Sausalito. I am request to perambulate Hon. Godfrey, which is
a baby, out near some fresh air which he enjoy breathing it.
There I meet Wanda, Japanese socialist, who discourse with me
about Private Ownership. While this important talk is doing
Hon. Baby get himself detached from buggy-ride by one method
or another. I am conversing too much to notice this until Hon.
Mrs. Willkins approach to say with hysterick, “Where is them
Baby?” I should like to answer. By search for it I discover
Hon. Baby aslumbering amongst huckledock bush by road. She do
not miss me at departure. Time there was 3 days.

Hon. Sago Sadoyama, who is a professor of American magazine-reading, was found at them Employment Bureau looking for it also. While awaiting for jobs we was delighted to have a discuss. He say upwards of this:

“I read in populus magazine for 10c one article of title ‘Why Do Servants Leave Good Homes When They Are Fired?’ I ask to know.”

“Answer to this is, Because,” I snuggle.

“Ah no!” say this Sago. “It are because Declamation of Independence make them quit it.”

“How thus?” I delay.

“Because so,” say Sago. “Them Declamation pronounce ‘All persons is crated free & equal.’ That are nice maxim for school-houses, city halls, grocery stores & other patriotick edifices; but it ain’t no good maxim for put over kitchen stove. Each Household Lady what require to keep Hon. Cook in kitchen must keep pretty silent about Hon. Declamation of Independence, or Hon. Cook might get suspicious that there is one.

“Suppose that Hon. Cook should see such a Declamation while she was setting down to skin hon. potatoes for lunching. While there she hear Hon. Mrs. from parlour-room play tune of ‘Jolly Widow’ in key of piano. Of suddenly Hon. Cook drop pair-knife with immediate brain-thought.

“‘Sake of!’ she decry. ‘If all persons is crated free & equal, why to skin potatoe? No person what is free & equal ever skin a potatoe. Therefore not.’

“Silence from kitchen, then. Pretty soonly it are 1.30 of clock-time and Hon. Mr. Phillup retire home from paint-works enjoying faintness.

“‘Hon. Mrs.’ he say-so to female wife, ‘where is them lunch to eat it?’

“‘I will seen about,’ say Hon. Mrs. from piano play. So she go kitchen expressing angry rage by feet. There she find Hon. Cook wearing Jolly Widow headware & setting on valise meaning good-bye.

“‘Bertha, kindly please, where is them lunch to cook it?’ she deserve.

“‘Can not do, thank you,’ deliver that Hon. Cook. ‘I are crated free & equal. Also dam gas-range enjoy large leak. Therefore I am delight to tell you farewell because I am a decent average girl.’

“That Bertha then depart from kitchen taking part of it with her,” say Sago.

“Servant ladies what is too free & equal is found at liberty nearly all-time,” I rebate with Asiatick salute.

* * * * *

One wise Professor which is mistaken say “Trouble of these United State is that servants is no good.” Such childhood to say! Trouble of these United State is that servants is _too_ good. Most of them is too good to work except when drove to by hungry symptoms of esophagus. Cooking lady are too good for sweep; sweeping lady are too good for window-wash; window-wash lady are too good for scrub; and scrubbing lady are too good for anything. Frequently at least some Hon. Employer when he hire Hon. Servant forget how good them person is. Then he must be snub.

“Are you a drunkard by habit?” enquire Hon. Employer.

“I are,” relapse Hon. Servant. “Are you?”

“Are you careful of frugality, industrious, steady moral, nice sleep-hours, early-rise man?” require that Employer for nervus shock.

“I are not,” reply them Servant. “Are you?”

Hon. Employer now enjoy transom of angry rage.

“You must be unfitted for any good job of work to do it!” he corrode.

“Of sure I are,” flotate that Hon. Servant. “How nicely you are guessing things!”

Hon. Employer stand gast for fluttering brain.

“You know who I are?” require Hon. Servant.

“I am aware at last,” say Employer. “You are Upton Sincere the Boy Noveller attempting to give me write-down for famous novel ‘The Meatropolis,’ which will describe my disgusting wealth. You are fired in advance,” say Hon. Employer escaping to hide self under bed.

In Japan, China, Corea & other happy islands where persons has sense enough to be entirely Heathens, Servant Problembs is not there because it is absent, thank you. There, when Hon. Servant are awaiting on you, you are aware of it. Tea is served by crolling on seat of stummick & bumping with forehead to announce it are ready. If Japanese Servant require to cease job he are legally require to ask Hon. Employer. If Hon. Employer give his consent, Hon. Servant are legally require to do hari-kiri with dull knife to show how grateful he feel.

This custom make Japanese Servant bashful about asking to quit.

Servants is exceptional to most golden rule, I am at liberty to suppose. Are it not glory-bird feel to be Independent? Ain’t not them Independence a grand motion for hearts what makes hero go fife-drumming to blaze of fireworks & sley something or be dead about it? Hon. Vergil say in Latin class, “How nice it is to die for your Country!” And yet so, what American of intelligence would care to employ one Hero to do servanting around house? Would it be pleasant to have one Cook what is fond of sleying something to fife-drum music? Answer is, No!! If Hon. Butler absorb gin-wine & march through dining-room with purpose to die for his Country he are immediately discouraged by remark, “Hush! Baby is asleep.”

When a patriot are Independent he are called “glorious.”

When a Servant are Independent he are called “undependable.”

Here is some tuneless poetry about a domesticated cook:

_CONVERSATION WITH A NEGLECTED AMERICAN_

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,
Tell me to know,
What hast you forgotten to make you have such wild-hair expression of
look?
Hast you forgotten
Childhood home & don’t-forget-me blossom
Of dear old mother neath
Apple-tree bud?
Hast you forgotten
Some very nice love-song of early springly time
By shade of water-cress
And daffy-dills sweetly blend?
I require answer, please!
“Ah no, I ain’t forgot them things,”
Response Alice-Sit-by-the-Stove,
“But I hast forgotten
To put any carrots
In Hon. Soup.”
She weep.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,
What volume of book
Have you got hid under wash-board?
Are it some technical work
On heating buns?
Are it entitle,
“How to construct a mince pie on an income of $1,000 a year?”
Are it entitle
“Dainty Dishes for Peevish Palates”?
I ask to look.
“Ah no,” response that estimate female,
“It are a fairy-story entitle ‘Marriage of Wm. Ashes,’
By Mrs. Humpley Ward.”
Sighs from her.
“Life of cook are very mean and sordy,”
She say,
And splotter tear-drop on Humpley Ward book.

Alice O’Rafferty, Swedish Servant,
Tell me to know—
But hark!
I hear something burning with smudge!
Maybe it are a house afire,
But it smell remarkabilously like
Soda biskits what has ignited therselves
In oven.

Hoping you are having no trouble with your Public Servants, I am

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XXVII

THE FEETSTEPS OF SCIENCE

SAN FRANCISCO, Sept. 24th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper who I include to list of wireless
friends._