Chapter I: ANAZUMA—Japanese shave-proprietor (3)

I haven’t yet saw them gallant Adm. Robert D. Evans, but I take delicious look at Hon. Battle-boat _Conn._ by 2 opera glasses (kindness loan of Cousin Nogi) & there I see one commanding figure stooding on ¼ deck where shoot & shell might go muckraking four & aft, if such a rude target-practice was going on. Was man I seen them famous sea-doggy what have drove that fleet from N.Y. to S.F. while enjoying twitches of pain what would make considerable Heroes want to quit? If that man I seen was Hon. Evans, Japanese Samurai wants to remove cap to him. He are not a Hero—he are a Marter, which is a Hero tied to a post.

(When Hon. Operator seen my telegraf he-say: “What language is them wrote in?” I am confused.)

For space of several next days this Hon. City are overcame by considerable Program. Something go on each elsewhere including new-build section & also places where remainders of Hon. Earthquack are still enjoyed. Following was did from what little I was aware:

_Wed._—Toot-whistle, anchor-fleet, boom-salute—hurrah! Hon.
Mr. Mayor Taylor & High Governor Gilette go-see Flagship
_Conn._ “How-do, Adm. Evans!” Fleet shake-hands with yackts,
tug-boats, ferry-boats & all official vehicles. Hon. Evans come
shore. Salutes. Honk-auto to Hotel Fairmont where Adm. Evans
meet Mrs. Evans. More salutes. All Hon. Officers come march-in
with un-officered excitement. Quiet bouquets. By evening Hon.
Sec. Metcalf enjoy grand waltz-time Hotel Fairmont. I am not
familiar with when this was expected to burst up.

_Thur._—Awful important parade along line of march including
National Guard and other private carriages. American standing
army was included in this together with such Generals as was
there. All blue-jackets, marines & officers march in this; but
Hon. Battleboats did not come ashore, because they could not
do. Market Street all bunted with red, white & blue & 4th of
July enjoyed by all. Fatigue of march was added to by speeches.
By evening some more waltz-time for Hon. Officers. Hon. Sailors
must not be careless about steam-beer. All burst up by early
clock.

_Fri._—All go visit Hon. America Fleet. Great relays of persons
in boat-loads because everybody was anxious. Visitors including
of College Presidents, Labouring Unions, Society, Persons &
many more. Special reception was gave to 1,000 Japanese Spies
which came with kodaks.

_Sat._—This day has not arrived yet; but we expect it.

Mr. Editor, I am anxious to where them Hon. Fleet will next go by departure. Will Japan be visited firstly & then some Christian country, or will it be _visa-vis_? I ask to know, because way them Fleet act are highly probable to Japanese Schoolboy.

Will you please wrote letter to Hon. Metcalf inflaming him about not having them Hon. Fleet go visit China? After U. S. Navy have saw Japan she will not care go China, I say it because. Japan are a deliciously arranged country with hot & cold water in all rivers and streams. Japan are picturesque with addition of all modern improvement. America tourist can go top of anteek temple Nara, by all-night elevator service. 2c tip for this. Geisha-girl do quaint dance to Edison phonograph musick. Jinrikisha run by gasolene motor make very speed time. Japan are a very antiseptick island full of Art. America fleeters will enjoy this & buy souvenirs for minus price. Pleasant farewell, Hon. America, & no fights with Togo.

But China!! Such eye-pain of Nations where virtues is considerably extolled upon hon. tablets of ansisters, but them hon. relicks is seldom washed, so that they can’t not be read. That is one kingdom where enlightenment is unacquainted, where derby hats is unknown, where book-keeping & stenography is not even worshipped for its good qualities! Entire towns & counties of them ignorant kingdom is gave over to pipe-hitting ceremony of opium sniff, which is a insiderous poison that give sweet imagination which is followed by entire unfitness for feetball, predatory wealth and anything else what is useful & American. I give you my entire insurance, Mr. Editor, China are a race of pig-tail mollycuddles. Why should civilized kingdom wish to retain open door with China? It would be more delicate to close such a door & keep off pungus odour of opium-smoke & heathen punk-stick.

There is two kind of Heathens, Mr. Editor. One kind worship gods what is placed on tiled pedistals of Portland Cement & treated with hydrogen peroxide to remove affectionate germs. Other kind of Heathens adore idles made of wood, which it are a sacrilage to scrub, because it would remove sacred associations including typhoid, tuberculosis & social unrest.

Please to no let Hon. Fleet visit China. All Japanese are sorry because Hon. China are so wicked. Some day that dear Japan will annex China for personal property, then America fleet can visit & see how clean & smooth Heathens can be when treated by Japan.

Hon. Wu, Chinese minister of sinful profile, oftenly make comick speeches before American Y.M.C.A. He tell what a human person Chinese can be, he relate about “awakening of China” & is a pretty good Irishman for repartee. Maybe China are awake, but she have missed her train.

Please don’t listen to Mr. Wu, Hon. Sir! Listen to Baron Takahira who never says nothing, and therefore is a very good embassy. Baron Takahira are a Diplomatick Stroke, while that Hon. Wu are nothing but a Yellow Peril.

Little Annie Anazuma, 8-year-age daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, are now nine years of oldness. Because of her extreme youngness she must be led to high-tip of Russia Hill to see improach of America Fleet, because she are interested in naval affairs.

While I hold her to shoulder for see better them cast-iron delegation swim by on wave she declare:

“Why are such demonstration of monstrous floaters here now, Uncle Togo?”

“To have wholesome effect on certain Oriental Power,” I collapse with very Tafty expression of publick knowledge.

“What effect will such floating have on certain Oriental Power?” require little Annie.

“Them Oriental Power will build ten new _Dreadnoughts_ instead of six,” I relegate.

“So joyful!” tabulate little Annie. “Then such Oriental Power will be head of all!”

“Delay to rejoice,” I subtract. “When Hon. England see this he will built twelve new fight-ships of _Lusitania_ class, Germany will construct fourteen new shoot-boats of _Fatherland_ type, America will consult Senator Burton & think of appropriating something some time for a gunboat.”

“Great war will ensue when them Navies is did!” narrate little Annie.

“Stop suddenly!” I dib. “When all them Dreadnought navies is completed they will discovery that they are five years out of style and will be useful as ferryboats.”

“That will be comfortable for peaceful pic-nicks,” derange that little Annie which have close, childish brain.

“What say Hon. And. Carnegie about battle-ships? He-say: ‘More elaborate you built navies, more peaceful Hon. World will get. Large steel ship are good thing for business of Hague,’ he-say.”

“Large steel ship are good thing for business of Hon. Carnegie,” corrode little Anne Anazuma, who is an advanced kindergarten.

Hoping I will be present to get it when your Hon. Office Lad are fired off, I am

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XIII

FLIGHTY NAVIGATION OF AIR

SAN FRANCISCO, June 2d.

_To Editor New York Newspaper which sores alof like eagly-bird
which have a noble habit of being flighty._

DEAREST SIR—I am given to be understood by newspaper information that Right Bros, famous airnots, has solved problemb of air navigation again by very delicious wreckage. Them Right Bros fly-tests is always shot off with entire secrecy, so that Japanese navy won’t be there to represent itself. This time them sky-boat manoever were witnessed by less than 2,000 persons, mostly reporters, inventors & foreign powers, who seen very nicely from bushes 25 miles away where they was hid out of range of Hon. Right’s shoot-gun.

New airship of Right Bros is called Mud Hen II., because them crafts should all be named after some bird what they act like. Hon. Bell’s air-boat are called “White Wings” because they never grow weary of trying to. That Mud Hen II. are a 6-cylinder, runabout type of airoplane built on model of 3 pancakes and worked with strings which Hon. Right have attached to thumbs & toes. To start them ship Hon. Right lays himself on stummick and runs the engine with his teeth. When he wish to go up he raise elbows & depresses toes. When he wish to come down he stand on his head.

On this trip Right Bros start navigating from Killed Devil Hill, which is in Southern states. After considerable scientifick prepare them ship were seen to make following emotion:

1—It went up.

2—It came down.

After successful flight Orville Right were found comfortably setting on his airship in middle of Elkins swamp. Except for 2 wings fraxured, engine twisted off, propeller gone & framework on fire, them machinery landed without a mishap. Hon. Right were congratulating himself by shaking his broken hand.

Hon. Reporter from McClunsey’s Magazine came up to say: “I represent it.”

Silence from Hon. Right.

“What natural views do you possess of mind about future development of airoplanes for carrying persons for traffick?” require Hon. Muckrake.

“I refuse to answer,” response Hon. Right with E. H. Harriman signals.

“Oh so hurrah!” collapse them Hon. Reporter. “I got scoop news for McClunsey’s Magazine. HON. RIGHT HAVE SPOKE FOR FIRST TIME!!”

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, I am morely assured that aireal navigation will be very cheap sport for poor mans. Hickory wood are cheap, canvas are cheap, nails are cheap & life are cheap. All them is necessary for one good airship. You can borrow 1 gas-engine from another automobile. Next choose some bird what look safe & intelligent & built your fly-machine to resemble it. If you admire for pidgeons, then built one pidgeon-toe air-plane. If you think hawks is most pleasant fliers, all well; then make a hawkish air-boat. Nail all them airship together with considerable canvas & light hickory corners, fasten on them gas-engine what you have borrowed, carry such machinery to vacant plains & teach it to fly like the bird what you admire most much.

All airships can fly, but some of them is very hard to teach.

Last yesterday I was tooking a feet-walk by lonesome hill of Berkeley. Among daisy-cup grassy of steep slope I seen some machinery in attitude of mechanical expectation. It were a very cross-looking machinery like a bisickel whose mother was a sail-boat. Several Hon. Professors was standing around to encourage Hon. Airnot with statistick about dying for science. Hon. Airnot speak of relatives in Kansas City and regret sinful youth with considerable paleness.

“What you so trembly for?” eject Professor with Ben Tillman expression. “Are it possibly that you are afraid to go up?”

“O earnestly no!” collapse them Airnot, “I are entirely fearless about going up but it are thoughts of going down what give me them quaker feeling at elbow.”

More excitable preparation then. One Professor arrive with tex-book entitle, “How Do It to Fly”; yet some other bring telescope for see him long off. One medical Doctor was also present with muck-rakes, etc., so as to scrape them Airnot off trees in case of. Nervous tense enjoyed by all.

So Hon. Airnot say farewell speek to persons present, including Hon. Wife who was in Chicago. He also mention several technical terms with considerable emotion & all Scientists present weep with eyes. Next he place self carefully to seat with assistants of one Irish man what was there merely to labour. Silence for pulses.

“Are you ready?” inquire Hon. Professor with voice.

“Are!” response them birdy hero.

“Then go it!” suggest Hon. Professor. Awful breathlessness. Hon. Airnot with brave grasp of wrist throw handle-crank to start engine. Nothing happen. Surprise from all. Hon. Airnot then speak automobile language & pull more crank-wheel with thumbs. Complete indifference from them engine.

“Chaloric energy are hypnotized,” say one Scientist who supposed he knew.

“You have forgot-it to put in gasolene,” corrode Irish man what was there to labour.

“So have!” say Airnot. So Hon. Gasolene was poured to engines with can.

Once more prepare to start. Hon. Airnot take seat. Quick jerk to crank-handle. O banzai! Whirr of angry rages from engine. Entire fly-machine get palpitation to resemble rooster severed from its brains. Irish man give shove, & complete bird-boat motor along ground on bisickel wheels. More fast & more faster it go, kicking up pebbles in frantick enjoyment, some time rising to astonishy hight of ¼ inch, now & yet bumptious to large stone and appearing anxious to fly, but not sure how; till of suddenly it make very restful flop against fence-post & stop desiring to continue.

Loud shouting from all Airo Clubs present.

“I ask to know,” I require, “for why does all make such pagan noise of gladness?”

“For following reason,” decrop one Professor, “because aireal navigation are solved.”

“All airships is modeled to resemble some kind of birds,” I say for interview. “Some to resemble sparrows, some to resemble hawk—what species of birdy are this fly-boat modeled to resemble?”

“It are modeled to resemble a ostrich,” say Hon. Airnot, picking up some fingers he lost.

“But a ostrich are not able to fly,” I snuggest.

“Neither are this airship,” say Hon. Airnot in whispering voice so as U. S. Govt might not overheard.

So all sujurn to Airo Club banquet with exception of Hashimura Togo & Hon. Irish which was not invited. We set together on grassy hill for slight conversation about human progress.

“Of surely, Mike,” say Irish with smoke-pipe of dangerous shortness, “airshipping are a grand sporty.”

“It are still a low-down science,” I mangle.

“Why a package of fools should do it, I am willing to be searched,” he dib. “They spend 1,000’s of dollar to make such a mechanical rooster what we seen this afternoon. They work for 2 year to nail it together, they hire famous Airnot from Kansas City, they get names in paper & all Science must stop thinking about serious things because they are so excited. Then great day arrive. All ready—_whoof!_ $6,000 air-boat make flopping emotion and go bust by fence-post. Everybody happy to go home & construpt more airboats.”

“Great things of World are built in them way,” I corrode for dignity.

“Southern Pacifick Railway were not built in them way, you can bet it,” say Irish.

“It will be a cheap way to travel in future,” I nudge.

“It are not cheap way to travel in present,” decry that Hon. Irish. “By counting up all axidents, break-ups, refusals to go, unwillingness to stay up when started there, etc., it are computed by Scientists that airships has cost $1,000 for every yard they has flew through air.”

“Such an expensive car-fare!” I derange.

“Rates like them should be regulated by Congress,” negotiate Hon. Irish, collecting together fractional pieces of airship what was strewed apart over hillside.

* * * * *

Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, are being a heathen awhile this summer because it are vacation, and because his derby was thieved by somebody at a Church Sociable. Missionary lady say him, “Arthur, you should be a sunshine.” He-say, “Too much sunshine creates headache. I think I shall put up a umbrella for a temporary time.”

Therefore Arthur are very sinical & pessimons when he speak of air navigation & human races.

“Airships,” say Arthur, “are like souls of people. There are continuous talk about elevating human race; but alarmingly seldom does souls get far enough off the ground to create much disturbance.”

“Some souls is like baloons,” I mitigate. “They has lofty tendencies, they are filled of gas. They go up & stay there where it is.”

“It are easy to be ideal like a baloon,” say Arthur. “But it are hard to be ideal like a airship. To go up on lofty thought & stay up there floating around without getting nowhere, that are job what lots persons do & say, ‘O my, I are so High Mind!’ But to go for trip in high air & know where you will arrive at—_that_ are job for seldom and rare individuals. Such toply navigators can discover North Pole and become familiar with stars. They are not baloonists—they are Poets....”

“Poets are continually getting bumped to Earth,” I indulge.

“Excuse me so,” say Arthur, obtaining cigarettes from me, “when not a Christian I am a free-thinking Japanese.”

“When thinking freely you are most relidgous,” I commute.

* * * * *

So we close up by singing of following song-sing which sound very peculiar to musick of samisen, which is a Jewish harp made in Yeddo:

_CONVERSATION BETWEEN A JAPANESE POET AND A TOMMY HAWK-BIRD_

O KO-KO SAN
O SUKI-RAN
HASHIMURA ICHI-BAN!
BUN-BUN!

In sufficiently old-fashion time
Of Japanese history,
When Adam & Eve was considered late,
Bashi-Bashi, great Poeter,
Was a-laying near stream in Hokadate.
Drowdy song of hum-bee
Was seen going around
Stinging sweet flower for honey.
Hon. Bashi-Bashi were full of considerable lazy poetry.
Pretty soonly
A Tommy Hawk-bird come flattering by & perch on lim of tree.
“I wish I could flew away like a Tommy Hawk-bird,” say Bashi-Bashi,
because he was a Poet.
“Why you wish it?” require them fowel.
“Because,” say Poet with music,
“As I was a fly-high animal like you,
Then I might go
To Emperor of Japan
And get some salary.
Then I might fly to lettuce-window
Of love-lady
And decry,
‘Have Bashi-Bashi, Japanese poeter, got some chances with you?’”
“Such a ha-ha!” salute them Hawk-bird,
“I have flew around for years,
And never did no such thing.”
“What you did with them power to flew?” requite Poet.
“I use it,”
Say Hawk-bird,
“For respectable purpose;
I are a married Tommy hawk—
What would wife & eggs say,
If I was seen flewing around strange lettuce-windows
With a voice full of sonnets?”
No reply for him.
“I have also fly to Emperor of Japan,”
Say Hawk-bird.
“What he say?” demand Poet.
“He-say, ‘Shoot them Hawk
For stealing roosters
From Royal Coop!’”

O KO-KO SAN
O SUKI-RAN!
Bashi-Bashi lay silently
Near water-cress of silverous stream.
“Things what persons need,” he-say,
“Can be obtained by walking for them, or taking bisickel, or else
they are not to be had nohow.”
Then he go sleep,
Filled with lazy poetry.

Mr. Editor, all human races wants something. They are going for it with steamboat, automobile, rail-train. Next they are after it with a fly-boat. I hope you will let me know when they finds it.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XIV

THE CONVENTIONAL MEETING OF REPS IN CHICAGO

SAN FRANCISCO, June 15th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper which are a good advertising and
spiritualistick medium about proper subjecks, but must not
mention pat. medicines because of doped results._

ASTEAMED SIR—It are not merely Japanese alone which is surprised & excited over Rep National Convention meeting in Chicago. All-coloured persons is stimulated by it including Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner by corner.

“It will be very august assembly,” corrode Hon. Strunsky by beer-glass.

“It will be June assembly in newspapers,” I devote. I am suspicious of something humoristick by American eye-wink from that Strunsky.

“Them Rep National Convention will be like a whale-fish,” he persume.

“Why will it be so whalish by nature?” I ask to know.

“Because of,” he-say. “It will be very large, very cool and full of spouts.”

“Are it not wrong politick for Republicans to be so fishy?” I am next to require, but Hon. Strunsky become busy with intemperate customers.

Newspaper reading of press makes all Japanese Boys feverish of mind about such Conventions which are representative and something else. Presidents is manufactured & pulled apart by such a Conventions. Are it not instructiverus for Japanese Boys to learn how to do such things with Presidents? So we have such a Convention for ourselves & trade pretty numberous thoughts to-gether in dine-room of Patriots of Japan Board & Lodging. Many ideas are burst by this.

Bunkio Saguchi, Japanese taylor, sound keynote to say,

“I represent a violent Tafty sentiment; therefore I should be interrupted by cheers.”

This are arranged from all.

“I make an emotion,” discourse this Bunkio, “that Hon. Taft be named by exclamation.”

“We are eager to make Tafty exclamations,” rotate F. Matsu, “but Hon. Roosevelt must be nominated first by request.”

“Hon. Nox are more safely Pennsylvanian to vote for,” erupt W. Furo who are a humourist because of his lame mind.

Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, say-so, “Tarified statesmen must stand patsy, resulting in pius victory for Jo-uncle Cannon. He are a splandid Lincoln Republican because of.”

“Because of which?” transfer Nogi.

“Because of sentimental whiskers,” dally Arthur.

“You are a Favourite Son,” say Nogi, who is expert in mean curses.

More insults is enjoyed. Then there is hits followed by jiu jitsu. Chair furniture is smashy to window including text-book & Japanese break-a-brack. Intermission by Police.

Japanese Boys Rep Convention adjurned _sine diet_.

* * * * *

“O what is so scarce as a day in June?” require to know Hon. Seth Lowell, American poeter. Answer to this is, “Republican Convention in June are still more scarcer.” It will of surely be a nice weather-condition for Chicago in June to have all them assorted minds going assimulusly in middle of Lake Shore. All sections of Chicago, which are not already occupied by Mayor Busse, will be full of Hon. W. Taft. Flags bunted everywhere with thrills. Patriotism enjoyed by all.

Since great World’s Fire of 1898 Hon. Chicago have not saw anything outside of Hon. Stockyards so beautiful & talented. If you got some kind of brain, Mr. Editor, imagine with it! Imagine 992 desperate statesmen which has all signed the pledge to vote for something, then approach together for purpose. Could eye-flash be omitted, could heart-sob be out, could speeching with voice be neglected for such occasion? Answer is, No! Put imaginative opera-glass on them great Congregation. East & West, North and some sections of South, hit together in firm bond of union with common devotion of patriotick thought, “Let us see Chicago and go home!” Loyal Sons of same fairish land parading under banner of the Nice Old Party with following placards to show how harmonious they feel:

“We Want Teddy.”

“We Don’t.”

“Hon. Fairbanks is Tall & Fair.”

“Hon. Nox is Short & Ugly.”

“Hon. Cannon is a Big Boom.”

“Hon. Cannon Are a False Report.”

“We Want Senator Forker.”

“We Want Rockefeller—But We Can’t Have Him.”

“A Close Shave for Gov. Hughes.”

“Hon. Taft Will Put Down the Trusts.”

“Hon. Cannon Will Put Them Down More Gently.”

“Roosevelt Forever!”

“It Looks That Way.”

Mr. Editor, if you can imagine them things it will not be necessary for you to buy ticket to Chicago. And yet them Convention will be a great service to see because so much of. Every State in this Hon. Union will be misrepresented by some great man or another. Oftenly two or three statesmen will do this. Brains will enjoy fatigue from enormous Thought. Prominent druggers of Chicago will get some permits to sell headache powders to Delegates before & after speeches. When nothing else seem important the Hon. Band will play Star Spangly Banner (national tune) and Hon. Delegates will play Poker (national game). Excitement will never lax.

Little Annie Anazuma, eight-year-aged daughter of I. Anazuma, Japanese barber, are excited about them Convention because she have a conventional mind.

“I read by papers, Uncle Togo,” she-say, “that Republican Convention will spend $3,000 for music.”

“Musical chins is expensive,” I deploy.

“Tell me to know, Uncle Togo,” she submit, “what are a Temporarial Chairman about which so much reading is done of lately?”

“A Temporarial Chairman are a musician hired to toot key-note for such a Convention,” I arrange.

“What will be key-note of Republican Convention?” require that childish Japanese.

“You are too young to imagine,” I collapse. “There must be 47 key-notes to please all variety of Republicans.”

“Such a chairman should be a brass band,” signify little Annie.

I am silent for reply.

“Why are Senator Borrows called ‘Julius Cæsar’?” are next question for that infant mind.

“Julius Cæsar are name of antique Statesman who was stabbed,” I berate.

“Will Hon. Borrows enjoy such a stabbing?” she talk off.

“Possibly never,” I derange. “Hon. Borrows will resume Hon. Chair as a very much instructed Delegate. He are instructed to look patriotick, but not to act too nervous about it. He must not do nothing to stampede them Convention. A room full of Delegates are like a yard full of mule-horses. They are shy about sudden noises. They have animal natures. They are very anxious to enjoy a stampede. If Hon. Temp. Chairman say ‘Roosevelt!’ of sudden with voice, then such kick-over, snort, hoof-tramp, squeal & panderonium might ensue that Hon. Roosevelt might be nominated before Hon. Fire Dept. could burst in & put out enthusiasm of with wet hoses. Temp. Chairman must arouse Republicans in soothing sort of way. He are allowed to mention patriots of Bunko Hill; but about San Juan Hill nothing to said. American Colonial History are nice thing for such occasions.

“‘Patriots & Senator Penrose,’ would be quiet sort of beginning. ‘What happen on bleak New English coast by several centuries of past-time? Hon. Plymouth Rock was discover by boat _Mayflower_.’

“(‘Several cheers for Presidential Yacht!’ outcry California Delegate with stampeding motion of thumbs.)

“‘Pilgrim Parents grew that Rock and we can prove it,’ delude that Hon. Temp, ‘and Republican Party are deliciously like them Plymouth Rock, emblem of free & brave, beautiful American ideal covered with moss and in garments green indistinct in the twilight. Quotation from Longfellow——’

“(‘Our ticket, Fairbanks & Longfellow!’ say voice from Indiana.)

“‘Plymouth Rock have stood stationary for 1,000’s of year and refused to move itself for nothing or nobody. That are a very dignified lesson for Republican Party to stand on.’

“(‘Banzai for Cannon & Fort!’ decry voice with New Jersey accent.)

“‘Plymouth Rock are a silent tribute of strength. One safely sane Republican President should be such a silent tribute. What say Hon. Dan Webster about Presidential candidates? He-say, “A roaring stone pleases no boss.” Therefore let us do nice job by Republican faith, a faith what is builded on stones of ancestors and rocks of Wall Street.’

“(Faint shrieking of ‘Teddy!’ from uninstructed Arizona delegate. Stampede repressed by fire-drill.)”

“Are Hon. Cæsar choice of Administration?” enquire little Annie.

“So sorry to reply,” I dement. “Hon. Beverage are more sweethearted to Hon. Administration, but patriotick Senators say he are too intemperate with talk.”

“Prohibition Republicans is opposed to all Beverages,” abrogate little Annie, resuming doll-play of childhood.

* * * * *

Hon. Taft got back shortly ago from Panama Canal where he was sent to study Republican Majority. He are now nervous about a trip to Philippine Islands where he is anxious not to be needed till after Convention have got through with him. Hon. Taft do not seek no nomination, but he are willing to occupy address where he can be found if looked for. Philippine Islands is too distant for such modesty. If duty called Hon. Taft to such farness away, I bet my bootware he would hear duty making race-riot in Chicago during middle of June.

Hon. Taft are largest Policyholder in Roosevelt Insurance Society. He will be nominate so easily that it appear deceptive. I know because I am aware. I am sometimes full of rejoice that I have not got a ticket for that Hon. Convention because it would be a tired thing to set for 5-day race in them Convention Hall to hear something happen what you know is arranged in advance.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, newspaper-press of all-coloured politicks has enjoyed considerable agony about White Shadow of Administration hovvering over them Convention.

I presume of my knowledge that Hon. Roosevelt are setting in them Light House at Washington suffering from pains in laughing-bone. He hear them Malefactors nervously chattering teeth about III Term, he are conscious about excitement from Subsidized persons which looks over shoulders for fearful of More of It; he are aware of very solidified O-Hio curses with instructions to Look Out.

But Hon. Roosevelt, setting in barber-chair at Light House, are smoking smoke and carving on deathly end of Big Club following instructions,

“_To be Preserved in Alcohol until Needed in 1912._”

“You have been President once and ½,” say Jacob Riis from press chair.

“Of sure I have,” say Hon. Pres., “and I gave American audiences a very nice performance.”

“Every good performance deserve an encore,” admire Hon. Riis.

“I have been hunting them for several year,” say Hon. Roosevelt for parlayzed expression of thought. “And many of them are still alive & savage.”

“What you speak of,” enquire Hon. Riis, “them Trusts?”

“No,” renig Hon. Roosevelt, “them Bears.”

“What else to do when all is over?” require Hon. Jake.

“I shall go to Wales and hunt rabbits.”

“Why such distances away?” derange him.

“Wales is nice country for rests. In Wales they do not know a rebate from a rabbit.”

After this is loud scratching from pencils.

Hoping you will send me a free wire telegraf if Hon. Roosevelt gets elected by mistake,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XV

AMERICA’S BANG UP CEREMONY

SAN FRANCISCO, June 30th.

_To Editor New York newspaper which act grand to my
hummbelness._

DEAR MR.—I am a familiar case. Therefore permit me to ask one humour reproach about something very mixed which are going to happen to these U. S. July 4th are it. This ceremony have occur so oftenly to America that persons should be used to it. Persons is mostly able to get used to whatever happen in eventual time. Japan have gradual became innocule to hon. beri-beri, which are a fine disease, if you must have one. Hawaii islands also feels ditto about lepordsy, which are regarded a pretty custom among natives who got it. China are used to opium-smoke, England are used to Parliament. Then why-so these America never get used to July 4th? I ask to know.

Answer is this: She never will! She think may-be-so she might, when something discouridge occur. By July 4th morning she take some nervous medecine to soothe it. She feels strongly better. Joyful pops in distance. “Ha!” she say for bluff, “I am vaccinated with gunpowder,” Louder and more smashy become fusileer of bang-bang musick until some fraxures bust to window. Then silences. “Heavenly praise!” say Hon. America, “in another minutes I should do a scream.” Of suddenly large curl of smoke are saw, then roof-afire followed by chicken-yard blazes. Local hook-corps come with hose in time to rake together ashes of sweet home & fireshade. Then Hon. America forget calm resolve & enjoy some hysterick.

Sydney Katsu Jr., who are my affectionate chumb, make a humoristick remark when I tell him this parabula about Hon. America. He say, “Hon. America can’t no more get used to July 4th than she can get used to Hon. Roosevelt.” I hope you will convulse yourself with this joke, because it sound very delicious in Japanese.

I enquire of some frequent Americans why-so it are necessary to blow up America once annually to make them patriotick. I am replied by snickkers from many. Yet others indulge me with following answer: “We must make considerable Jar in order to remind us of American Flag.” So fooly excuse! Do Hon. Japan have to blow herself up once annually in order to remind her of that dear sun-banner? Answer is, No!! When Hon. Japan wish to remind herself of Japanese Flag she go blow up Hon. Russia, which will do pretty well.

By last July 4th, while roming up San Francisco for silent reflecion on patriotism, etc., I am shook around by Port Arthur explosions from all direction. It were as if Hon. Inferno had got away & was scratching himself with thunderbolts. Please imagine it. Popcorn sounds from small firework was aggrevated by occasional intense jar of mammal torpedo. At corner of St. I seen one intelligent American laddish boy age 9 a-blowing on dynamite fuse to make her go up.

“Before finishing yourself,” I snuggest with kind face, “please told me why you wish make such an explode.”

“Because of Revolutional War,” surrogate them tiny child.

“Do firecrack blow-up give you some intelligent instructions about Revolutional War history?” I request for answer.

“Of sure it do!” declaim them kidly youth procuring flames from matchbox.

“If you can bang yourself wise,” I dally, “please name 8 generals what faught with Hon. Washington at Valley Forges.”

“Name them yourself,” say them child, “can’t you be able to see how busy I are?”

And when he thusly say-it all them firework burst up & he are blowed to ambulance. I was sorry to seen such sweet child rumpled by fireworks, so I go hunt Hon. Parents of him & say following for tearful eye,

“Dear sir, I explain it that your child are considerably bursted.”

“Boys will be boys,” say Hon. Parents for Christian Science expression.

“Boys will be angels when not careful,” I relapse with Red Cross eyewink.

* * * * *

I got personal trouble sufficiently without July 4th to come & add some weariness. My uncle Nichi, Japanese carpenter of Yeddo, have arrive to S. F. for a very stretched visit. He are a entirely jay Japanese, considerably neglectful of American pant & vest, so he stick by kimono which should be ashamed. I fix a nice derby hat on him, which is fashionable, yet I can seen persons make snickker-lip when he pass-by. American derby annex to Japanese kimono are nice symbol of modern Japan. It appear quite hellish.

Should I drop Uncle Nichi like a nusance? Ah no! I must retain him reverently because he are a ¼ cousin to my ancestor. Therefore I entertain him to beer-ceremony at saloon of Hon. Strunsky, Irish patriot. Uncle Nichi think beer should be served in a cup & saucer. He-say this kingdom give him musical ears & a brain-ache.

“Were America discover by axidents?” he enquire to know.

“Almost entirely,” I congratulate.

“With care it might have been avoided,” emit that oldy man.

“Hon. America were discover by Mr. Columbus, July 4, 1776,” I say for slight bore of tone.

“Tell me everything,” attack Uncle Nichi, who expect to stay here indefinitely.

“On them date I said it,” is further from me, “Hon. Columbus approach to Boston with iron fleet. To assist him was Gen. Washington & Gen. Grant, both nice fighters and anxious to get into American history. Pretty soonly they seen monument of Bunco Hill & there—beholt it!—was Brittish troop with flag by command of Gen. Corn Wallace——”

“Excuse me to interrupt,” degrade my ¼ ancestor. “If Hon. Columbus discovery these U. S. first what was Brittish troop doing there already?”

“Most schoolboys is familiar with story,” I dib with proud cigar. “So I may proceed, thank you. Hon. Columbus land to shore with blue-jacky & quick-fire ammunition. ‘You must fight us, please,’ he-say to Brittish troop. ‘O no, not to do!’ they renig with accent, ‘We must not fight on July 4th because it are a legal holiday,’ Therefore Hon. Columbus ship them Brittish troop to Niagara Fall & declare these U. S. an entirely free kingdom.”

“And next what?” surrogate Uncle Nichi wakefully.

“And nextly Hon. Washington go to Pittsburgh where he was crowned President & Gen. Grant go Appotomax where he last all summer.”

“And what happen to Hon. Columbus?” corrode Unc.

“He go back to Spain where he was lynched,” I collapse.

“So July 4th have been occurring regularly ever since?” he ask it.

“With regular explosions,” I narrate.

“Firecracks are an invention of the devil,” twitch Uncle Nichi for superstitious look.

“They are an invention of the Chinese,” I retard, “and that may be quite similar.”

“Most crimes can be traced to China,” say Nichi for racial prejudice.

“So July 4th will arrive presently,” I make known.

“How shall I know when it is came?” he ask to know.

“How can you miss it?” I bewail.

“Please relate 25 or 30 noble instances of American patriotism,” begin Uncle Nichi, but I am able to delude him away for care-fare ride price 10c.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, by most nearly genuine statistick $3,000,000 are burned off of America by each annual July 4th. This are sufficient to built 1 of them battleships what Congress feel too poor to vote. Six hundred persons is entirely killed by this yearly bang-up. Such a number would make a very nice crew for such a battleship. They might sail it & never enjoy death until old age do it. Would it not be a splandid plan for all Americans to avoid purchase of firework for 1 year & sent the money to Senator Hobson to buy such a patriotick boat? It might be painted of red colour to resemble firecrackers & would be a floating monument to all brave Americans who did not die on July 4th. I suggest an earnest thought.

Ah, Mr. Editor, I can hear you said something with sweet voice! I can hear you said, “That Japanese Schoolboy have a soul minus feet; else why he make such a rail against July 4th, when all them firework what is burned for glory are of Japanese parentage?” Quite so truthful it are for you to speek this, Mr. Editor. Sky-racket, pinny-wheel, flower-pottery, nigger-chase & Romantic-candle fireworks was formerly of Japanese parentage, but they was very temperate & well-behaving when made in Japan. It were when they began to be manufactured in New Jersey that they became boystrous, disappated & disorderly shoots.

By olden date of time it were custom for cash-wealthy Daimo what was feeling joyful about his ancestors to invite selection of persons to come his garden to have a see. Pretty soon it was dark, then Hon. Daimo would set afire one flower-pottery filled with gunpowder. Sky was filled with fiery blossoms to resemble botany.

“That are a lily-plant of firework,” say Hon. Daimo, “How you like?”

“O how sweet!” declaim all guests bumping forehead with hissy politeness. Then they drink tea & go home with calm medetations about great emperors & other famous politicians.

Japan do not make such blazes very muchly now days. She too busy with ordinary killing machinery to devote times to decorated deaths. When Japan have got to nail together 6 new _Dreadnothings_ annually for all-time of future in order to keep civilized, what chanst have she got to shoot off Romantic-candles for ancestors? But she do it slyly now & then.

And yet I are not entirely cross & irritate when I see small kidly boys a-blowing off noises on them July 4 date. Memory of Concors & Lex. are worth burning some fingers for; but to blow out eyes for such a memory are wastefully unnecessary. Independance Day are a variety of intemperance, and yet I might weep with eye to see it abolish by Prohibition. What say Dan Webster about this? He-say, “Intemperance are a good thing when took moderately.” A very slight July 4th could not hurt anybody—not even a College Professor what often injure his fine brains a-thinking about Standard Oil & how get some.

Therefore I take ferryboat to some shades of wood next July 4th and there enjoy lonesome picknick. Sandwitch & cigarette will be smoked by me, followed by this poem, which are less complete still:

O Columbia the jam of the ocean,
The home of the Greek and the Slav,
Some object of frequent devotion,
What nice summer climate you have!
With them garland of firework around you,
With picknick & baseball game, too,
O this Jap Boy are glad he have found you—
Banzai for such red, white & blue.

(To make a Chorus keep on singing it.)

Hoping you will not go away and leave your insurance in the office,

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

S. P.—Hon. Maxim Jr., child of Hon. Hi Maxim, explosion man, have invent a species of powder what explode silently. When this are used soldiers can talk during entire battles with out fear of interrupt. If Hon. Maxim Jr. can fill July 4 with this noiseless powder, won’t he be a greater benefatter to human races than Sir Ike Newton? I require no answer.

H. T.

XVI

CAN AFRICA WAIT TILL MARCH 4TH?

SAN FRANCISCO, July 1st.

_To Editor New York Newspaper who do it like Hon. Sampson &
murder deceptive tigers with ham-bone of a mule._

DEAR SIR—In Jambeezi Creek, majistickal river of darky Africa, nervous tense of suppressed excitement & impatient longing are being enjoyed by splandid menagerie of brutal beasts & curios residing there. Seldom have foliage of uncut Nature made such a nice invitation for a distinguished visitor to come and shoot at it. Seldom in Chicago was such 45-minute demonstration gave to One Man by a convention of entirely wild animals. Seldom in history of Nature-fake have Hon. Tom Seton or Hon. John Burro observed animals doing such behaviour without going to jail. Imagine with your brain, Mr. Editor, such squeak-rore & bellus of 10,000 elephants assisted by tigers and other dennisons of forest which has talent for making noises if nothing else! It are like a suffragette caucus in winter quarters of Barnum & Bailey; it are the voice of Nature becoming hoarse with ovation of banzai for the King of the Juggle, a Ramrod among hunters, the only entirely retired Emporer that ever told the Truth about Africa at the rate of $2 a word and $4 for hard ones!

In deeps of juggly forest Mother Elephant set neath cocanuts & hold Baby Elephant in her arms.

“What aily you, tender Infant?” she require for worry, brushing back its goldy locks.

“Female mother,” he prattle, “what date of calendar do it be?”

“To-day are Thursday, Aug. 13, by N. Y. _Journal_,” she reclaim for nervous calm.

“Ah sad!” sob Hon. Child, winding trunk around neck of its female mother. “It are such a length of time till!”

“Till which?” blow-out she.

“Till March 4th,” remark child, “when Hon. Roosevelt may obtain a vacation for 4 years & come Africa to shoot Father.”

“Hush, child,” say Hon. Mother Elephant. “Hon. Roosevelt have got other large game besides Elephants on his hands. He have got Mr. Taft.”

“And when Mr. Taft are entirely elected, what then-so?”

“And then-so your Mother & Father will both receive some very distinguished shoots from that great mans. And maybe, if you are a very good little Baby Elephant and do not climb no trees, maybe you too will get a nice little bullet from Hon. Roosevelt.”

So Baby Elephant go sleep on shoulder-blade of Mother without no more lullabys.

* * * * *

Among banana trees of river-bank reside Jib-jab, the man-chewing Tiger, who is a friend of Mr. Kipling’s. He set by bright pooly-water worshiping his mustash which is bees-wax upward to make look like Emperor Wm. When along come Jug, the poisoned cober-snake, entirely filled with prussic acid & sliding along on the seat of his stummick. He are reading Hon. Kipling’s “Juggle Book” so as learn some nice snake-language for make welcome speech of Hon. Roosevelt when he arrive.

“Good morning, Jib-jab,” he say to friend, biting him on tail for playful salute. “Are Presidential Program collaborately prepare for to be shot off when Hon. Pres. make arrival?”

“Of sure it are!” say Tiger with Frank Hitchcock expression. “I have enjoyed considerable literary correspondence with Hon. Sec. Loeb who make appointment with me for meet Hon. Roosevelt on date of May 8, 1909, when I will be entirely shot.”

“How you do to receive such honour?” snuggle Hon. Snake.

“On them May 8, 1909, I are instruct to be standing neath cocanuts with very tigerly expression of angry rage. Growls from me. From under-bush suddenly leap outly 72 dare-devilish hunters armed to teeth with photographer’s supplies. _Snap-snap_—I snagger back, riddled with kodaks. In vainly I endeavour to escape, but ere I can do a sneak I are surrounded by James Creelman, Jacob Riis, Dave Grame Phillips, Jack London, Bat Masterson, W. K. Bok, Arthur Brisbane, & other desperate scouts famous for shooting wild game at 25c a word and 50c for hard ones. Trembling in 4 lims & tail I am interviewed & compared to Thomas F. Ryan. All are complete then, except the Finish.

“Silence suddenly over all Africa. Birds in top-trees cease tune-whistling. Monkeys in up-twig cease practising after-dinner speeches.

“Then in the midst of hushes, One Man step forthly. It are.

“‘Hon. Ted,’ say Hon. Riis, ‘this are Hon. Tige.’ Paw-shakes are did with exhibitions of teeth from both us. ‘Dee-light!’ say Hon. Roosevelt ($4 for this word) and step backly to 30 pace. ‘Head little to right, please’ ($10) he dib, and Crack-Jordan rifle are placed to elbow. ‘Bang!’ ($2) say rifle & I fall down on Africa and give up my sinful soul with a mean snarl. After them exercises I am entirely skinned & speeches worth $680 is indulged in averaging from 25c to $4 a word. Since King Midas died from swallowing his gold teeth no King of Beasts has passed off so expensively.”

“Land of sakes!” abjeck Hon. Snake with poison face, “I am filled with venum to think what famous Brute you will be while I am merely wormly & equal to zero with a wiggle on it. While you are meeting all them fashionable literary persons, I must get stepped on & nothing else.”

“Cease to grouch!” commute Hon. Tige. “If you get industrious & bite somebody maybe you will get beaten to jello with Big Club, and thusly have name in newspaper-prints among other noted malefacktors.”

* * * * *

My Cousin Nogi, who are enjoying grouchies this week because Miss Furioki to which he are still married as wife has made a lope with S. Wanda, Japanese Socialist, come-me and say following for politickal rebuke:

“On March 4, 1909, scenery of disturbance will shift from Washington to Africa.”

“Hon. Roosevelt are very fond of dum animals,” I hob-nob. “They can not talk back for repartee.”

“It are a great rest-cure to become an entirely desperate hunter. While stabbing a tiger it are very difficult to remember party lines & other ugly liars. Grasping them furyus lepard by juggly vein with cruel eyes standing on end & teeth firmly planted in shoulder for delicious bite—on them occasion how tame must seem companionship of E. H. Harriman, Hon. Fork Tillman, & Hon. Jo Forker!”

“What-say Hon. Rubbert Burn, famous Scotch, about this?” I reject. “He-say:

“Let old acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind.”

At this quotation Sydney Katsu, Jr., make come-in to my room for borrow toothbrush.

“What grand American have wrote some light tex-book on angry animals to be shot in Africa?” he ask-it.

“Some distinguished African might do this intelligently,” I snuggest for help.

“I have perused inside of entire edition of Hon. Booker Washington,” repose Sydney, “and there I find chapter on ‘Care & Culture of Mules by Young Coloured Niggers’—and yet he are suspiciously silent about brutal beasts to be murdered on Jambeezi Creek.”

“African subjecks is kept very dark by educated Africans,” I drib for laughing-joke which sound delicious in Japanese.

“I enjoy considerable puzzle,” corrode Sydney. “If no light books is to be had about them carnibblous animals of darky Africa, how we know what expect when Hon. Roosevelt go shoot it?”

“At $2 a word one may expect anything,” I dib. “Hon. Gulliver wrote delicious travels for much less.”

“Hon. Gulliver were a short & ugly tourist,” notate Nogi.

Then in come Uncle Nichi, my ¼ ancestor, wearing congressional shoes which irritate his straw-seed appearance of Japanese farmer. He banish in hand 1 piece tab-paper of which he are foolishly proud.

“So glad!” he rake-out. “I got here a sweet list of all mad animals what reside there in dam section of Congo riverside.”

“Who give you such lists?” I require for shame because he is my bloody relation.

“Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, who say he has been to all parts of Africa & Indiana.”

“Read it, please,” say Sydney Katsu, Jr., who are oftenly polite because he are not related to Uncle Nichi.

So Uncle Nichi with jay spectacles read following deceptive list of brutal beasts to be shot from foliage of Africa by persons what sees them:

_Piebrock_—a six-legged steer what subsist on malt beveridges
which he take through a straw because he have no teeth. He
pulls corks with a horn which grows from the back of his
neck. He can be easily told from a _fagdoo_ because he are
a different animal. He are fond of distinguished visitors
and enjoys Washington gossip when entirely pure; but he are
seriously dangerous when bored. When pursued he swallows his
feet-prints, thus concealing his identity. Scarce during
Presidential Years.

_Yelk_—a species of pantomome, full of delicious flavours,
but awful hostile when killed. You can easily tell him from
other kinds of horse because he have a head on both ends, so
he appear to be approaching when backing off. He often lead
hunters to doom by his kind expression.

_Ook_—same as a yelk with smooth corners.

_Hawbuck_—this are the only kind of cow that sleeps in trees.
He are a very economickal mammal. When hungry he lays a dozen
eggs and eats them. Hunters is warned not to shoot this brute
in the eyes, because he ain’t got any and enjoys great rages
when reminded of it. To kill him, tickle him in soles of
feet so he will get mad & spit out his heart. His habits are
valvular & conjunctive. He is just as apt to be found in Africa
as anywhere else.

_Tum-tum_—a very small camel used by natives to hunt rats. He
do this by——

“Kindly cut-out!” dib Nogi for shocked expression, “if Hon. Roosevelt should heard you he would place your photo in his Roguish Gallery and you would be celled in Liars’ Row until called for.”

“Would it not be graceful act for mail this list to Hon. Loeb?” say Unc with second-child expression. “Hon. Roosevelt might avoid such callackerous beasts if he knew about them.”

“He might, but would he?” is reject from all Japanese Boys present.

* * * * *

Mr. Editor, already lull of Great White Peace are settling over Washington. Hon. Roosevelt find himself with nothing to say and Hon. Taft are saying it to satisfaction of Republican Party. All is quiet along the Patomack to-night except now and then a stray rebate is shot, as it runs toward the Court of Appeals, by a rifleman hid behind the Treasury Building. The world are being run from Oyster Bay, and everybody are so happy & contented, thank you, that Hon. Newspapers is reviewing the Thaw case because they ain’t got nothing disagreeable to talk about. The Greatest Man in America set among sagamores & gaze with eyebrows to shore of beautiful Connecticut

Where every prospect pleases
And only politicks is rotten.

“All work & no play make Kermit a dull boy,” he-say for deelight. “I are considerable darn tired of bearing America on my neck. I fain for to recreate. I fain to get something free & easy like frollicking from velt to kop at dewey eve snagging lightly in my teeth the following trophies of the chase:

1 gentleman elephant consisting of 6 tons & tusks.

2 Royal Bangor tigers of cross disposition.

8 ooks & a hawbuck resembling a feather boa.

21 wild Boers.

3 ground squirrils.

“African elephant,” say Hon. T., “are more superior to Republican elephant because he are entirely wild and free and refuse to pile tariff planks for no Trusts.”

* * * * *

So on March 4th, Mr. Editor, Africa will receive what are coming that way. When front door of White House are enlarged to carriage entrance for the Greatest Figure in the Party, from back door of that kingly place gentleman with elephant gun will rough-walk away followed by Kermit with a hatchet to cut off their heads. Can any bright Japanese Schoolboy win a prize by guessing name of them departing?

The tumble & the spouting dies,
The Congress and the King depart—
So ends the Constant Exercise:
Now let the Expedition start!

With waggly regards from O-Fido.

Yours truly,

HASHIMURA TOGO.

XVII

THE HON. GASOLENE

SAN FRANCISCO, July 5th.

_To Editor New York Newspaper, celebrated for its Nationality
and nice printing._

DEAR SIR—What say Hon. Galileo when enjoying execution by ax? He say, “This World do move!” Then neck-chop ensue to interrupt that great thought at wind-pipe. If Japanese Boy was there he would enquire to know, “What do move this World, please?” Answer for this reply is: “Hon. Gasolene do!”

One quaint American proverb say, “Where there is Smoke there is Blazes.” This is especially truthful about Pittsburgh. Yet how much more proverbial it would be to say it, “Where there is Smell there is Speed.” I know because!

Mr. Editor, I do not possess of my ownership any automobiles, but my cousin Nogi gave me acquaintance to Hon. G. W. Yosho, celebrated coachman for all tour-cars. This Yosho wear rubber uniform of Japanese Field Marshal. He appear to look like Marquis Oyama, but is much more important about it. I reverence him because he have killed several Americans and some Christians.

“Hon. Yosho,” I collapse with Japanese salute, “nobody not yet have invited me to ride in one.”

“Maybe so it might,” he subdivide with forgetful expression.

“Do automobiles make persons civilized?” I require for answer.