Chapter V: Usurers and Curryers., 392 (24)

A Certain Lady, that was fall’n under Great Tribulation for the Loss of a very fine Set of Horses, went Raving up and down like a Mad Woman from Place to Place, and Every Body must be Tir’d with the History of her Misfortune: _Well_, says She, _they were the best Natur’d Poor Wretches, they’d look at Me so Kindly still when I came to take Coach; to say Nothing of the Value of them, really I cannot think my self safe with other Horses_. And at this rate, she went on, Amplifying upon the Affliction, while her Friends and Relations on the other Hand, were not wanting to Ply her upon the Ordinary _Topiques_ of the Transitory State of Mortals. But when they had proceeded as far with her as their Religion and Philosophy could carry them, and found that she was not to be Comforted; _Why, truly Madam_, says One of her Confidents, _this is a very great Tryal, but since they are gone, and there’s no Recalling of them, I hope your Ladyship does not think ’em too Good for Him that Has ’em_.

The MORAL.

_We are more Sollicitous for our_ Horses _and our_ Dogs, _then we are for our_ Souls, _our_ Friends, _or our_ Children; _and therefore it was well enough turn’d upon the Lady here toward the bringing of her to her self again, to mind her, that_ there was neither Heaven nor Hell in the Case of Losing a Set of Horses.

REFLEXION.

This Fancy looks at First Blush, as if it Border’d a little upon _Prophaneness_; but if it be Taken by the Right Handle, it will bear the Moral of a most Christian, a Necessary, and a Seasonable Check to those People that deliver up themselves to the Transports of Extravagant Passions for Trifles: As it was the Case of a Lady that kept her Bed for the Loss of a Favorite-Puppy she had. Her Friends came to Condole with her upon the Tydings of some Dismal Calamity that had Befall’n her, and ask’d her very tenderly what terrible Misfortune it might be, that she laid so heavily to Heart? Only, says she, the Greatest Affliction (I thank the Lord for’t,) that ever befel Me since I was Born: _My Pretty Pearl is Dead_. Alas Madam (says One of the Condolers,) Why you have lost a very Good Husband. _That’s true_, says T’other, _but the Lord may send me such Another Husband; I shall never have such Another Puppy_. These Impetuous Violences, are no News to Any Man that has Observ’d and Study’d the Infirmities of here and there One perhaps of that Fair and Frail Sex. But we must not Imagine at last, because the Moralist has made it a Woman’s Case in the Story, that we our Selves are not Guilty Every Man of us, in some sort or other, and in a Thousand Instances, of the same Weaknesses and Mistakes, even in the Ordinary Course of Human Life; for what’s the Doctrin of all this upon the main, but a Rebuke to those that set their Affections too much upon the things of this World, and consequently too little upon Matters of Greater Moment; with him that upon the Firing of his House, was so Overjoy’d for the Saving of his Plate, Linnen, Paintings, Hangings, and other Rich Moveables, that he never so much as thought of his only Child all this while that was Burnt in the Cradle. Every Man has his _Feeble_, as they call it; One Man’s Weak side is Ambition; Another’s Avarice, Malice, Envy, Revenge, Pride, Vain-Glory; and some again are so wholly taken up with the Pleasures of Wine, Women, Jolly Company and Good Cheer, as if all the Faculties of their Reasonable Souls had been only given them to Subminster to their Appetites. The very World it self, in One Word, is but a _Moor-Fields College_ of People that run Mad for Common Disappointments.

FAB. CCCCXCVII.

The _Hypocrite_.

There happen’d a Discourse in very Good Company, upon the Subject of _Religion_ and _Hypocrisie_; and how hard a Matter it was, in the Case of an Artificial Disguise, to know the One from the Other; though the Scripture Allows us, and in truth Obliges us, to Judge of the _Tree_ by its _Fruits_. _Well_, says One to his Next Man, _Do you know such a Person?_ Oh very well, says t’other; _he’s one of the Holiest Men to Heaven-ward that ever you met with, but the Arrantest Rascal among his Neighbours in the whole Parish_.

The MORAL.

_’Tis not the Name, the Semblance, or the Ostentation of Religion and Holiness that will Attone for the Abuse on’t: In making God the Author, the Director and the Abettor of those Flagitious Villanies in Christians, that Pagans Themselves would have an Abhorrence for. But when All comes to All, a Knave in his Practice, is a Knave in his Heart too._

REFLEXION.

The _Hypocrite_ is but the Devil in the Shape of an _Angel of Light_; and as it is no easie Matter to Distinguish the One from the Other; so ’tis a thing of a most Desperate Consequence to Mistake them; and the Question will be this at last, How to Reconcile the Offices of _Charity_ and _Prudence_. The One bids us believe and hope the _Best_; the Other bids us provide against the _Worst_. Now it is not for Nothing that the Holy Ghost it self has Denounc’d so many Woes against this sort of Impostors; and Inculcated over and over so many Cautions how we have any thing to do with them; which is no other then a Declaration of an _Abhorrence_ of these People, and a plain Intimation of the Danger of being Deluded and Impos’d upon, under the Mask of _Religion_ both in One. There’s no Cruelty, no Fraud, no Violence, no Oppression, that is not acted under a Colour of Divine Authority, Impulse and Direction. Churches are Robb’d and Prophan’d; Princes Depos’d and Murder’d; Religion and Morality, with all the Principles of Virtue and Common Honesty, are overturn’d; and the Name of God himself is made Use of, as a Principal and as a Witness to the Impiety, in a Defiance to all the Dictates of Heaven and Right Reason: And all this is but a Preachment upon the Text at last, of _Fear God and Keep his Commandments_. When a King’s Head is to be struck off by his own Rebellious Subjects, ’tis brought on commonly with the Prologue of a Fast, which in the Style of the _Holy Intrigue_, is call’d _a Seeking of the Lord. This Work and Judgment of God_ (_though it be Secret_) _must be done with Great Gravity_, (says _James Melvil_, by way of Preface to the Murder of _Cardinal Beaton_.) _Vive l’Evangile_, was the Word to several of the Massacres in _France_. ’Twas often in the Mouth of a Lady, Zealous in her way, with Deep Protestations, that _She had rather lye with Forty Men then go to One Mass_: Nay, and I have heard of Tenants too, that Refus’d to pay their Landlord his Rent, unless he could shew a _Text_ for’t. Here’s enough said to set forth the Character of an _Hypocrite_, so as to Answer the Morality that is Couch’d under this Figure; but the great Difficulty will be the Steering of a Middle Course, betwixt Believing too much, and too little: That is to say, betwixt taking a _Good Man_ for an _Hypocrite_, and an _Hypocrite_ for a _Good Man_. We are to have a Reverence for the very Appearances of Piety; but whenever we find the _Holy Man to God-ward_, to be no better than a _Juggling Knave among his Neighbours_, that’s the very _Hypocrite_ that we find Stigmatiz’d among the _Scribes_ and _Pharisees_ in the Holy _Gospel_.

FAB. CCCCXCVIII.

The _Conscientious Thieves_.

There was a Knot of Good Fellows that Borrow’d a small Sum of Mony of a Gentleman upon _the Kings High-way_: When they had taken All they could find; _Dam ye for a Dog_, says One of the Gang, _You have more Mony about you Sirrah, some where or other_. Lord, Brother, says One of his Companions, can’t ye take the Gentleman’s Mony Civilly, but you must Swear and call Names! As they were About to Part, Pray by your favour Gentlemen, says the Traveller, I have so many Miles to go, and not One Penny in my pocket to bear my Charges; you seem to be Men of some Honour, and I hope you’l be so Good as only to let me have so much of my Mony back again, as will carry me to my Journeys End. _Ay, Ay, the Lord forbid else_, they cry’d, and so they Open’d One of the Bags, and bad him Please Himself. He took them at their Word, and presently fetch’d out a Handfull, as much as ever he could Gripe. _Why how now_, says One of the Blades, _Ye Confounded Son of a Whore, Ha’ ye no_ Conscience?

The MORAL.

_’Tis a notable Trade that many drive in the World, of pretending to make a Conscience of One Sin, and taking out their Penn’orths in Another. Some there are that Commute Swearing for Whoring, as if the Forbearance of the One, were a Dispensation for the Committing of T’other. We have heard of Others too, that have been Strict Observers of the Lords Day, and yet made no Scruple at all of Robbing the Lords Altars. But a Good Christian and an Honest Man, must be all of a Piece; and these Inequalities of Proceeding will never hold Water._

REFLEXION.

’Tis just with Publick Thieves, as ’tis with Private: A pretended _Necessity_ sets them both at Work, and a Pretended _Religion_ or _Conscience_ brings them off when they have done. This is no more then what we our selves have found within the Memory of Man, to be Literally and Historically True; when that, which in those Days past for _the Law of the Land_, was in Effect no other then _the Law of the Road_; and the One had as Much and as Little to say for it self as the Other. There are _Political_ Bands of _Robbers_, as well as the _Jacks_ and the _Toms_ that are Cry’d in _Gazettes_; and they fall both of them under the Regulation of the same Mystery and Trade. The Poor Man here that was Robb’d Himself, was Charg’d Effectually with Robbing the Thieves, upon a Suspicion, that he had Reserv’d some small Pittance of his own Mony, to his own Use, which they accounted a Defrauding of the Publick. Now we have seen this to be the Sense and Discipline of the _State_, as well as of the _Pad_; and ’tis Broad as ’tis Long at last, whether a Man be Undone by a _Cabal of_ Sharpers _in a Committee of Safety_, or by a Troup of _Canary Birds_ upon _Newmarket Heath_. Nay, and the Parallel runs upon all Four, a little further too; _Can’t you take the Gentlemans Mony Civilly?_ says the Spark: That is to say, Cannot you play the _Rogue Demurely, as if Butter would not melt in your Mouth_, and pick an Honest Gentleman’s Pocket with a _Pater Noster_ betwixt your Teeth? Cannot you Plunder, Sequester, Decimate, Draw, Hang and Quarter _in the Fear of the Lord_, but you must Blaspheme and Call Names? Is it not enough that you are Discharg’d by the very Privilege of your Profession, from the Bondage of Subjection and Obedience to Parents Natural or Civil? Is it not enough that you may Kill, Whore, Steal, Backbite, Covet, and make Bold in short, with all the Commands of the Second Table, but you must be Breaking in upon the Former? Thus goes the World; _the Little Thieves Hang for’t, while the Great Ones Sit upon the Bench_; and there’s a Cloak of Conscience still thrown over both Pretensions, to Cover, and to Consecrate the Cheat.

FAB. CCCCXCIX.

The _Trepanning Wolf_.

There’s a Story of a Man of Quality in _Ireland_, that a little before the Troubles there, had Wall’d in a piece of ground for a Park, and left only One Passage into’t by a Gate with a _Portcullis_ to’t. The Rebellion brake out, and put a stop to his Design. The Place was Horribly Pester’d with _Wolves_; and his People having taken one of ’em in a _Pit-Fall_, Chain’d him up to a Tree in the Enclosure; and then planted themselves in a Lodge over the Gate, to see what would come on’t. The Wolf in a very short time fell a Howling, and was Answer’d by all his Brethren thereabouts, that were within Hearing of it; insomuch that the _Hubbub_ was Immediately put about from One Mountain to Another, till a whole Herd of ’em were gotten together upon the Outcry; and so Troup’d away into the Park. They were no sooner in the Pound, but down goes the _Portcullis_, and away Scamper the _Wolves_ to the Gate, upon the Noise of the Fall on’t. When they saw that there was no getting out again, where they came in, and that upon Hunting the whole Field over, there was no Possibility of making an Escape, they fell by Consent upon the Wolf that drew them in, and Tore him all to Pieces.

The MORAL.

_Any Man that has but Eyes in his head, and looks well about him, will find this Exploit of the Wolves, to be no more then the common Practice of Vindictive Flesh and Blood, on the one Hand, and the common Fate of Publick Incendaries on the Other._

REFLEXION.

’Tis with _Men_, as ’tis with _Beasts_, in the Case of this _Wolf_. We do naturally Hate the Instruments of our Ruin: And it matters not much neither, as to the Event of the thing, whether it be by _Chance_ or by _Choice_; for it seldom succeeds better, where the Advice or the Instigation of One Man draws on the Destruction of Many. There’s a Great Difference ’tis true, betwixt the Works of Malice, and those of Misadventure, but the Mischief is still the same; for he that’s Undone, is equally Undone, whether it be by Spitefulness of Forethought, or by the Folly of Oversight, or Evil Counsel. The _Wolf_ at the _Stake_, had no Design upon his Brethren in the _Woods_; and the _Wolves_ in the _Wood_ had as little Design upon their Brother at the _Stake_; but One was in Distress, and call’d out for Help, while the other Associated, and came in to his Relief. But after they were once In, they were all Involv’d in the same Common Fate: And when the Herd found themselves Hamper’d, and that they could not gain their Ends, they came to a Resolution, _One and All_, in a Generous Indignation to take their Revenge. The Freak of the _French Farce_ comes as Pat as is possible to the Earnest of this Moral: The _Plot_ of it was a _Grammar-School_; the Master setting his Boys their Lessons, and their Exercises, and a Loobily Countrey Fellow putting in for a part among the Scholars. Well, says the Master, I am just going out of Town for Four or Five Days, wherefore Pray’e be sure ye be Good Boys, till I come back again; and so he took Horse and away. He had no sooner turn’d his Back, but there were they at it _Helter Skelter_, throwing Books at one anothers Heads, and playing such Freaks, as if Hell were Broke Loose among ’em. In this very _Interim_, the Master Bolts in upon them, and Surprizes them: In short, he enquires into the Riot, and takes the whole School to Task One by One, about the Occasion of this Uproar. _I’d have been Quiet_, says One, _if it had not been for Him; and I’d ha’ been Quiet_, says T’other, _if he’d ha’ let me alone_. So that in fine, all (Pointing at the same Person,) the Poor Country Fellow was taken up and Lash’d upon the Stage, and all the rest forgiven.

FAB. CCCCC.

A _Miller_ and a _Rat_.

A _Miller_ took a huge Over-grown _Rat_ in his _Meal Tub_; there was He laying the Law to him about the Lewdness of his Life and Conversation, and the Abominable Sin of _Stealing_; but your Thieving, says he, is now come Home to ye, and I shall e’en leave Honest _Puss_ here to reckon with ye for all your Rogueries. Alas Sir, says the Poor _Rat_, I make no Trade on’t; and the Miserable Pittance that I take, is only from Hand to Mouth, and out of Pure Necessity to keep Life and Soul together: As the _Rat_ Pleaded _Hunger_ on the One Hand, the _Miller_ threw the Matter of _Conscience_ and _Honesty_ in his Teeth on the Other, and Preach’d to him upon the _Topick_ of a _Political Convenience_, in making such Pilfering Knaves Examples for the _Publick Good_. Well Sir, says the _Rat_ once again, but pray will you Consider for your own sake, that _this is your own Case_; and that _You and I are both Corn Merchants, and of the same Fraternity; Nay, and that for One Grain that I take, you take a Thousand_? This is not Language, cries the _Miller_, in a Rage, for an Honest Man to Bear; but the best on’t is Sirrah, _Your Tongue’s no Slander_: So he turn’d the _Cat_ Loose upon him to do that which we call in the World _an Execution of Justice_.

The MORAL.

_’Tis a piece of Market Policy, for People of a Trade to bear hard One upon another, when it comes once to the Question betwixt a Couple of Knaves, which is the Honester Man of the Two._

REFLEXION.

There are no Greater _Atheists_ under the Sun, then that sort of People that Distinguishes it self from other Men by the Name of the _Godly_, and the _Ungodly Party_: No Arranter _Hypocrites_ in Hell, then those that told the Sons of _Levi they took too much upon them, but that the Congregation was Holy Every Man of ’em, and the Lord was among them_. Divine Vengeance cut ’em off we see, _Flagranti Crimine_, for _the Earth Open’d her Mouth and Swallow’d them up_, Them and their whole Party, _and they went down Alive into the Pit_. No People so Unmerciful to _Poor Little Whores, and Thieves_, as _Rich Great Ones_. The Griping _Usurer_ Inveighs against _Extortion_; _Church-Robbers_ against _Sacrilege_; the most Insupportable of _Tyrants_, Exclaim against the Exercise of _Arbitrary Power_; and none so Fierce against the Sin of _Rebellion_, as the most Execrable of _Traytors Themselves_. Thus we find it in these Instances; and the same _Pharisaical_ Spirit runs through the whole Roll of our Darling Iniquities. The _Miller_ is brought in here Preaching against _Stealing_; and it is upon the whole Matter an Unaccountable Truth, that we do all Naturally pretend the Greatest Aversion to that Lewdness in Another, which we most Indulge in our Selves. This is it that we call _Crying Whore First_; as if the _Impudence_ of _Out-facing_ the Wickedness, were some sort of _Atonement_ for the _Scandal_ of it.

_FINIS._