Chapter V: Usurers and Curryers., 392 (14)

And This is not the Poor Woman’s Case Alone, but many a Poor Man’s too; for the Extravagance holds for a Sick Wife, as well as for a Sick Husband. ’Tis Custom, Practice and Good Manners, in fine, that in a Great Measure Rules This Affair. People Proportion their Griefs to their Hopes, and their Tears to their Legacies. There is as much a Fashion in the Mourning Face, as in the Mourning Dress; and our very Looks must be in the Mode, as well as our Cloaths. This Hint Minds me of a Pleasant Droll of a Painter, to an Honourable Lady of My Acquaintance that was sitting for her Picture. _Madam_ (says he) _will your Ladiship be pleas’d to have your Lip drawn as they wear ’em now?_ It is a Notable Part of Good Breeding, to know When, and How, and how Much, and how Long to Cry; and _Every Thing must be done too as they do it now_. I speak This, as to the Method of a Widow’s Lamentations: But _when the Husband’s Dead, the Play is Done_; and then it comes to the Old Bear Garden Case, when the Bull had Toss’d a Poor Fellow that went to save his Dog: There was a mighty Bussle about him, with Brandy and Other Cordials to bring him to Himself again; but when the College found there was no Good to be done on’t, _Well, Go thy ways Jaques_, says a Jolly Member of that Society, _There’s the best Back-Sword Man in the Field gone. Come, Play Another Dog._ The Sick Husband here wanted for neither Slops nor Doctors, and Every Thing was in a Hurry too in Both Places Alike. The Man Dies, and the Woman Bethinks her self, Well, says she, _There’s the Best Husband Gone that ever Woman had to do withal: But, Pray Sir, is T’other Husband in the House that you were speaking of?_ What is all This now, but directly to the Tune of _The Butcher’s Back-Sword Man_, and _Playing Another Dog_.

FAB. CCLXIX.

A _Wench_ Parting with her _Sweet-Heart_.

A Common Wench was Wringing her Hands, and Crying her self to Death almost; and what was the Business forsooth, but she had Newly Parted with her Sweet-Heart. Away, ye Fool you (says one of her Neighbours) to Torment your self out of your Life for such a Fellow as This! Nay, says the Lass, I am not so much Troubled at Parting with the Man; but he has Carry’d away his Coat too; and truly, when he had given me All he had in the World beside, methinks I might e’en have had That too as well as All the Rest.

The MORAL.

_Here’s a Mercenary Prostitute Drawn to the very quick, that lays her Profit more to Heart then her Love._

REFLEXION.

It seldom falls out that a _Common Mistress_ troubles her Head much with Particular Inclinations, though there are some Mercenaries so Generous yet, in the Way of their Profession, that rather then not Trade at all, they’ll Trade to Loss. But This was not the Case of the Sorrowful Wight here in the Fable: Her Trouble was the Loss of the _Coat_, not the Loss of the _Man_. ’Tis the same Thing with Cheats and Sharpers, that ’tis with Whores; and the same Humour, in short, that we find in All Humane Beasts of Prey. There can be No Friendship where there’s Treachery; but there are Degrees in Treachery it self; As the Betraying of an Honourable Confidence, and of a Sacred Trust, is the Basest of All Perfidies. This Shuffling Inclination shews it self in us Betimes; And Children do Naturally Apply them selves to their Little Shifts and Frauds. Now ’tis not much Amiss to let them Understand so much of the Roguery of the World, as to secure them from being Wheedled, and Impos’d upon: Provided that under Colour of Teaching them to Discover Abuses, they be not Encourag’d to Practice them: For he that perfectly Understands False Play, lies under a Dangerous Temptation, at some time or Other, to make Use on’t. And when he’s Once In, ’tis no Easie Matter to get him Out again. Never was any Whore yet so Impudent, as not to feel some Touch of Modesty and Remorse, upon the First False Step she made: But Wicked People Harden by Little and Little, and so go on by Degrees, till they are past all Sense, either of Shame, or of Conscience. _Cheating_ and _Bawdry_ go together in the _World_, as well as in the _Fable_, and the Professors of the Trade are as Insatiable in the One way, as they are in the Other. When they have left a Poor Devil no Flesh on’s Back, they’l Quarrell for his very Skin too, as the _Jilting Jade_ here did for her Cully’s _Coat_, when she had left him Nothing else.

FAB. CCLXX.

A _Fly_ upon a _Wheel_.

_What a Dust do I Raise!_ says the _Fly_, upon the _Coach-Wheel_? and what a Rate do I Drive at, says the same _Fly_ again, upon the _Horse_’s _Buttock_.

The MORAL.

_This Fly in the Fable, is Every Trifling Arrogant Fop in Nature, by what Name or Title soever Dignify’d, or Distinguished._

REFLEXION.

This may be Apply’d to well-nigh All sorts of Vain Persons and Humours: As Those that Assume to Themselves the Merit of Other Mens Services. Those that Talk, and Think, and Bussle, as if Nothing were done without them. All Meddlers, Boasters, and Impertinents, that Steal away the Reputation of Better Men for their Own Use. The World is Full, in fine, of these Pragmatical _Flies_, that Value themselves for being In at Every thing, and are found Effectually, at last to be just good for Nothing.

It is the Fortune, and it is the Humour of Weak and Trifling Men to Value themselves upon Idle and Trivial Matters; and many times, in Truth, upon Just Nothing at all: That is to say, upon a False Perswasion that they Do Things, which they do Not do, and Govern Affairs wherein they have No Manner of Interest. They Place a Reputation also upon Things that a Sober Man would be out of Countenance to Own, and Contend for the Credit of being the Authors of Fooleries. _What a Dust do I Raise?_ says the silly _Fly_, And have we not Millions of Vain, Empty Pretenders in the World, that Talk at the same Rate, and with as Little Colour, either of Truth, or of Reason? ’Twas [I] carry’d such a Cause; such a Debate, such a Question. ’Twas [I] that Advis’d, Brought about, or Prevented This and That; when yet upon the Upshot, This same [I] was no more then the Fool, that fancy’d he play’d upon the _Organ_, when he only Drew the _Bellows_. Whence comes it now that Men Arrogate to Themselves thus, where they have Nothing to do, and Claim a Title, as Matter of Credit, to the Weakest Things in the World; but for want of Understanding the True Measures of Honour and Virtue: The Moral of This Vanity runs through All Degrees of Men, and All Functions. There’s Nothing so Great; There’s Nothing so Little, as not to Afford Subject for This Busie and Over-Weening Conceit to Work upon? No, not from the Modelling of Common-wealths; the Winning of Battels; the Saving, or the Recovery of Kingdoms, to the very _Flies_ Raising the Dust here in the Fable.

FAB. CCLXXI.

An _Eele_ and a _Snake_.

You and I are so Alike, says the _Eele_ to the _Snake_, that Methinks we should be somewhat a-Kin; and yet They that Persecute Me are afraid of You. What should be the Reason of this? Oh (says the _Snake_) because no body does Me an Injury but I make him smart for’t.

The MORAL.

_In All Controversies They come off Best that keep their Adversaries in fear of a Revenge._

REFLEXION.

Patience and Impunity, is an Encouragement to an Affront. The Divine Wisdom has appointed a Hell as well as a Heaven, to the End that Dread and Terror on the One Hand, may supply the want of Gratitude, Affection, and Good Nature on the Other: What is it but the Fear of Punishment that keeps the World in Order? And what but the Awe we stand in, of Majesty, and Power, that Supports the Dignity of Government. This Moral runs through the whole History of our Lives, for ’tis Every Man’s Case from Top to Bottom. _Princes Themselves_, without _Stings_, are no Better then _Drones_; and when the Sacred Character is Disarm’d, there’s no longer any Reverence to be Expected for the Person. When People find it Dangerous to Offend their Superiors, they’ll take care to Please them: And there’s as much Difference, upon This Point, between One Governor and Another (the Resemblance notwithstanding) as there is betwixt an _Eele_ and a _Snake_.

FAB. CCLXXII.

_Seamen_ Praying to _Saints_.

It Blew a Terrible Tempest at Sea once, and there was one _Seaman_ took Notice that the Rest of his Fellows were Praying severally to so many _Saints_. Have a care my Masters, says he, what you do; for what if we should All be Drown’d now before the Messenger can deliver his Errand: Would it not be Better, without going so far about, to Pray to Him that can Save us without Help? Upon this, they turn’d their Prayers to God Himself, and the Wind presently fell.

The MORAL.

_The Shortest, and Surest Way of Doing Bus’ness is Best._

REFLEXION.

’Tis Good to be sure, where our Salvation is at Stake; and to run no more Risque of the Main Chance, then of Necessity Must. What needs any Man make his Court to the Servant, when his Access is Open to the Master? And especially when that Master is as ready to Give, as the Petitioners to Ask. A Wise Man will take the Nearest and the Surest Way to his Journey’s End; and Commit no Bus’ness of Importance to a Proxy, where he may do’t Himself.

FAB. CCLXXIII.

The _Fishes_ and the _Frying-Pan_.

A _Cook_ was Frying a Dish of _Live Fish_, and so soon as ever they felt the Heat of the Pan, There’s no Enduring of This, cry’d one, and so they all Leapt into the Fire; and instead of Mending the Matter, they were Worse now then Before.

The MORAL.

_The Remedy is many times Worse than the Disease._

REFLEXION.

Let a Man’s Present State be never so Uneasie, he should do well however to Bethink himself before he Changes, for fear his Next Remove should be Worse. This is according to the Common Understanding of the Allusion, though not so Agreeable perhaps to the True Reason of the Case: For it was not either Levity, or Impatience; but intolerable Pain, and Absolute Necessity, that made the Fish shift their Condition: So that the Moral would have born This Doctrine rather: That where we have Certain Death before us, and only This Choice, whether it shall be a Speedy or a Lingring Death, That which puts us soonest out of our Pain (though never so Sharp) is the more Eligible of the Two. But to take it according to the Old Proverb now; we Understand by [_Out of the Frying-Pan into the Fire_] That Things go from Bad to Worse.

FAB. CCLXXIV.

A _League_ of _Beasts_ and _Fishes_.

The _Beasts_ Enter’d into a League with the _Fishes_ against the _Birds_. The War was Declar’d; but the _Fishes_, instead of their _Quota_, sent their Excuse, that they were not able to March by Land.

The MORAL.

_The Vanity of a Helpless Alliance._

REFLEXION.

There’s No Contracting of Alliances with Those that are out of Distance of Assisting in a Time of Need, in all Contracts, whether of Publique Alliance, and Commerce, or Particular Friendship, there must a Regard be had to Reciprocal Aid and Assistance, in case of any Distress; So that All the Circumstances of Ability, Disposition, Situation, Interest, &c. must be taken into Thought, and Rightly Understood, before the Bargain be Struck: for ’tis a Scandalous Oversight to Err in any of the Essentials to a Prudential, and a Beneficial Agreement: By which is Intended, any sort of Defect, or Incapacity that may Obstruct, or Frustrate the End of the League. Those Contracts are Ridiculous, and Void in Themselves, that shall pretend to Oblige us against Nature. For ’tis a _Banter_, not a _Confederacy_, _to talk of Fishes Marching by Land, and Living out of their Element_.

FAB. CCLXXV.

A _Covetous Ambassador_.

A Certain _Ambassador_ that was still Pester’d with Drums and Trumpets every where upon the Way of his Embassy, was willing to save his Money, and so had them put off still with This Answer: That his Excellency was in Deep Mourning for his Mother, and in no Humour for Musique. The Drums and Trumpets were at least as much Troubled at the Tydings, as the _Ambassador_ Himself. This News came to the Ear of a Person of Honour, who presently made him a Condoling Visit. Pray, my Lord (says the Nobleman) how long may your Mother have been Dead? Why, says the _Ambassador_, ’tis now a Matter of _Forty Years_; which Expounded the Riddle, and put an End to That Controversy.

The MORAL.

_There is a Certain Agreeable Way of Fooling betwixt Jest and Earnest, that carries both Pleasure and Profit along with it; for it saves a Man’s Money One way, and his Credit Another._

REFLEXION.

According to the Old Moral, Covetous Men will make any shift to save Money: But this Allusion is the least Part of the Bus’ness. ’Tis no Easy Matter for People in many Cases to save their Money, and their Credit Both: But the Best Thing to be done, in the Disguise of a Base, and Sordid Humour, is the Managing of the Imposture with a Good Grace, and in such a Manner, that if a Man carries it off, there’s so much Money sav’d; and if he be Detected, there will be something Pleasant in the Frolique to Atone for a Secret Narrowness of Heart.

At this Rate of a Pretended Freak, or Whimsy, a Great many other Corruptions, and Imperfections may be so Palliated, as to take off much of the Scandal of them; for many a Wicked Thought is so Varnish’d over in the Practice, as to pass Muster among the Gay Arts of Gallantry and Conversation. The Thing above all Others to be Wish’d, Study’d, and Endeavour’d, is to have a Clear Mind, and to Lead a Life in so Conscientious a Probity of Manners, as in Thought, Word, and Deed, to make Good the Character of an Untainted Honest Man: But where This Discipline shall be found too Strict for Flesh and Blood, (and there’s no Living up to the Rigorous Exactness of Purity, and Justice) it will in such a Case, be the best of a Bad Game to keep Clear of Open Offence, and to give the Infirmity the Best Face that the Matter will bear. As the _Ambassador_, betwixt Jest and Earnest, Cast a Cloak of _Railery_ over his _Avarice_.

FAB. CCLXXVI.

An Old _Friend_ and a _Cardinal_.

An Ingenious Cavalier, hearing that an Old Friend of his was advanc’d to a _Cardinalate_, went to Congratulate his Eminence upon his New Honour. Pray Sir, says the _Cardinal_, looking strangely upon him, Give me the Favour of your Name, and of your Bus’ness. I am come, says the _Cavalier_, to Condole with your Eminence, and to tell you how Heartily I Pity Men that are Over-charg’d with Dignity and Preferment; for it turns Peoples Brains to that Degree, that they can neither See, nor Hear, nor Understand, like Other Men; and makes them as Absolutely to Forget their _Old Friends_, as if they had never seen them before in their Lives.

The MORAL.

_Honours Change Manners._

REFLEXION.

This is a Reproof to the Pride and Vanity of Those Men, that when they come to be Advanc’d Themselves, forget all their Old Friends and Acquaintance, even Those that Rais’d them. This Fable is Humane Nature to the very Quick, only it has Two Handles to’t, and it would not be Fair, to take it in the Worst Sense, without somewhat of an Apology, or an Excuse for’t, where ’twill bear a Better.

It is almost as True in Philosophy as it is in Fact, and Common Practice, that _Honours Change Manners_. Men Assume other Thoughts; Other Opinions of Themselves; Nay, and almost Another Nature, when they Contract other Interests. The Stamp of Dignity Defaces, in some People the very Character of Humanity; and Transports them to such a Degree of Haughtiness, that they reckon it below the Quality of a Great Man, to Exercise either Good Nature, or Good Manners: As if Dignify’d Flesh and Bloud were not of the same Composition with other Men. Now what does all This Arrogance Amount to, more, then the Pride of an Ass in his Trappings; when ’tis but his Masters taking away his Top-Knot, to make an Ass of him again.

But we are yet to Distinguish betwixt Those that take State and Distance upon them, purely out of Pride and Humour, and Those that seem to do the same Thing, though in a Compliance with the Necessity of their Affairs. It is Impossible for a Publique Minister to be so Open and Easy to all his Old Friends and Acquaintance, as he was in the State of his Private Condition; and at the same Time, to Attend the Necessary Functions of his Office: But This may be All help’d out yet, by an Affability of Address, without any Offence, either to his Bus’ness, or to his Duty. A Word, an Action, a Countenance, manag’d with Honour and Discretion, is sufficient to Uphold the Reputation of his Character; for there are Artificial Ways of telling People what a Man would do if he Could, without a Surly Ostentation of an Unwillingness to do the Things, that Effectually are not in his Power. A _Good Word_, they say, _Costs no more then a Bad_: Beside that in the _Cardinal_’s Forgetting his _Old Friend_ here, he did more Forget Himself.

FAB. CCLXXVII.

A _Young Droll_ and a _Crooked Old Man_.

A _Gibing Young Knave_ happen’d to meet an _Old Man_, whose Age and Infirmity had brought his Body to the Shape of a Bent Bow. Pray Father (says he) will you sell your Bow? Save your Money ye Fool you, says T’other; for when You come to my Years, you shall have such a Bow for Nothing.

The MORAL.

_He that would not live to be Old, had best be Hang’d when he’s Young._

REFLEXION.

’Tis Irreverent, and Unnatural, to Scoff at the Infirmities of _Old Age_, since there’s no Avoiding them, but by Dying Betimes. We are all Born to Die, and Every jot as Certain that we shall go Out of This World, as that we are already come into’t; but whether by a Natural, or a Violent Death, we know not. Time and Humane Frailty will bring us to our End without the Help of any Contingencies, or Distempers by the By; So that our Decays are as much the Work of Nature as the First Principles of our Being: And the _Boy_’s Conceit of the _Crooked Bow_ here, is no better then a Blasphemous Way of making sport with the Course of Providence: Beside the Folly of Scoffing at That in Another, which we our selves are sure to come to at Last, or Worse.

FAB. CCLXXVIII.

An _Old Fellow_ and a _Young Wench_.

There was a formal Piece of Gravity that liv’d to about Threescore and Ten, without ever so much as knowing a _Woman_ from a _Weather-Cock_. The Devil Ought him a Shame, and paid him both Interest and Principal, in making the _Old Doting Fop_ Marry a _Young Girl_. He would be often Complaining afterward, how Unluckily he had Dispos’d of his Time. When I was a _Young Man_, says he, I wanted a _Wife_, and now I’m an _Old Man_, my _Wife_ wants a _Husband_.

The MORAL.

_The Common Fate of Unequal Matches, Especially in the Case of an Old Fellow, and a young Wench, where the Humour is as Contrary as_ Summer _and_ Winter, _Light and Darkness, or Day and Night_.

REFLEXION.

There’s Nothing Good, or Natural, that’s out of Season. Nay the most Obliging Offices in Nature, and the Greatest Blessings under the Sun, lose much, both of their Value, and of their Relish, when they’re Mistim’d.

FAB. CCLXXIX.

An _Eagle_ and a _Pye_.

There was a Pert-Dapper Spark of a _Mag-Pye_, that fancy’d the Birds would never be well Govern’d, till he Himself should come to sit at the Helm. In This Freak he Petition’d the _Eagle_ to take him into the Cabinet; For, says he, I have no Ill Turn of a Body for’t. I have my Tongue, and my Heels at Command; and can make as much Noise and Bustle, to as little purpose, as any He perhaps that flies between a Pair of Wings. He was going on in the History of his Qualifications, when the _Eagle_ Graciously told him, how sensible he was of the Volubility both of his Tongue, and of his Manners, and so of his Faculties and Good Breeding; but, says he, you are so Confoundedly given to Squirting up and down, and Chattering, that the World would be apt to say, I had Chosen a _Jack-Pudding_ for a _Prime Minister_.

The MORAL.

_Great Babblers, or Talkers, are a sort of People not fit either for Trust, Bus’ness, or Conversation._

REFLEXION.

The World is like to be well Govern’d, when _Pyes_ and _Daws_ shall take upon them to set up for Philosophers, Doctors of the Chair, and Men of State and Government. Things are Mightily out of Order in That Quarter, especially when Vain Fools come to be admitted into Business upon the Credit of their Own Word.

The Importunity of such a Fop, is Excellently set forth in the Qualifications of this _Pye_; for he Enforces the Reason of his Pretence, by the Clearest Arguments in the World against Himself. He would be a _States-Man_, because he is a _Buffon_; as if there went no more to the Making of a _Councellor_, then the Faculties of a _Merry-Andrew_, or a _Tumbler_. Here’s the Confident Ambition of a Foolish Twattling Pretender, on the One Hand, and a Just Reproof of him, in a most Reasonable Refusal, on the Other; to Teach us, that the Want of Shame, Brains, or Good Manners, does not presently Entitle Every little _Skip-Jack_ to the Boards-End in the _Cabinet_. But Our _Eagle_ here was not a Prince to Advance the _Ministers_ of his _Pleasures_, to be _Ministers_ of _State_, and to make his _Sport_ his _Bus’ness_.

FAB. CCLXXX.

A _Country-man_ and a _Mouse_.

There was a Pleasant sort of a Poor Fellow had his House a fire; but his Misfortune did not make him lose his Good Humour. As it was all in a Flame, out Bolts a _Mouse_ from the Ruins, to save herself: The _Man_ Catches her, and throws her back again. Why thou Ungrateful Wretch (says he) to leave thy Friend now in Adversity that gave thee thy Bread in his Prosperity.

The MORAL.

_’Tis a Barbarous Faculty, an Ill-Natur’d Wit; that will rather Expose the very Life and Reputation of a Friend, then lose the Opportunity of a Jest._

REFLEXION.

’Tis the Practice, but it is the Baseness of the World too, for Men to Govern themselves Wholly by their Interest, and to Abandon All that’s Sacred and Honourable, for the saving of their Own Skins. Thus, says the Moral; but the Conceit was not worth the Life of the Poor Creature, and therefore the Allegory not to be Recommended; because it sets up a False Principle. There was place for Honour, Dignity of Mind, and Humanity to shew it self, in the Case, though but to a Poor _Mouse_: And there’s Nothing to be said in Defence of the Wanton Cruelty of Sacrificing a Life to a Jest: But to come now to the Ungrateful Point, the Bare _Innuendo_ of it would stare so many People in the Face, that it were better pass’d over in silence; for the Moral drawn out at length, would be a Satyr against Mankind. And Millions of Men that carry their Heads High in the World, would fall under the Lash of the _Country-man’s Exclamation_ here.

FAB. CCLXXXI.

A _Sick Hermit_.

There was a very Good Man, that in the Five and Twentieth Year of his Age, fell into a Desperate Fit of Sickness, the Doctors sate upon him, and the whole College were of Opinion, that there was no saving of his Life without the Use of a Woman. The _Poor Man_ lay Humming and Hawing a good While, betwixt the Sin and the Remedy; but in the End, he gave up himself wholly to the Physicians, to do with him as they thought fit. Upon this, the Doctors, by Consent, put a Good Armful of Warm Womans Flesh into the Bed to him, by way of a _Recipe_, and so laid him to Rest, till about some Two Hours after: At which time they came to see how the Prescription had Wrought; and there did they find the Poor _Religious_, Tearing his Hair, Beating his Breast, and Groaning as if his very Heart would break. So they fell presently to Reasoning, and Casing upon the Matter with him, and laying Comfortable Distinctions before him betwixt the Morality, and the Necessity of what was done. No, No, Gentlemen, says he, my Grief is not thereabouts; but it goes to the Heart of me to think how long I have liv’d in Ignorance; and that This Fit of Sickness should never take me sooner.

The MORAL.

_Flesh is Frail. When a Strong Appetite, and a Troublesome Virtue Meet in Competition, ’tis a Hard Matter for a Man to Resist the Temptation._

REFLEXION.

We may gather from hence, first, that People are Flesh and Blood in a Cell, as well as in a Palace. _2ly_, That it is a very great Mastery, for a Man to stand Firm, in a Case, where Humane Frailty, Violent Inclinations, and the Preservation of Life it self, are in a Conspiracy against his Virtue. _3ly._ That a very Pious Good Man may think himself Better then he Is, for want of an Occasion to try the Force of his Goodness and Resolution. _4ly._ That when the Flesh and the Devil have once got the better of a Scrupulous Conscience, it puts a Man past All Sense of Shame, as well as of the Sin; to the Degree of Glorying in his Wickedness. The _Holy Man_ was not so much Troubled, it seems, at the Use of the _Remedy_, as that he had not try’d the _Experiment_ sooner. You may Talk what you will (says _Lais_) of your Philosophers and Learned Men; but I have as many Visits from Those Sparks as from Other People. And she was much in the Right on’t.

FAB. CCLXXXII.

A _Rich Man_ and a _Foolish Servant_.

A _Rich Man_ had a Certain Block-headed Fellow to his _Servant_, and the Master would be saying to him at Every Turn, Well! Thou art the very Prince of Fools! I would I were, says the Man, in a Sawcy Huff once, for I should be the Greatest Emperor upon the Face of the Earth then, and You Your self should be One of My Subjects.

The MORAL.

_The Only Universal Monarch is the King of Fools; for the Whole Race of Mankind are his Subjects._

REFLEXION.

The Whole World is full of Fools, only He that’s the Least One is the Wisest Man. This would have been Well, if the Moralist had not given the Block-headed Servant too much Privilege: But the Ill Manners is suitable enough however, to the Character. It was such a kind of a Course Complement that _Scotus_ put upon _Charles the Bald_, as they were Sitting together at a Table. The Emperor ask’d him _Quid Interest_ (says he) _inter Scotum & Sotum_? (Playing upon the Conceit of _Scot_ and _Sot_) [_Mensa_] says he. That is to say, the Table is between the _Scot_ and the _Sot_: And so with the Liberty of a _Buffon_, the School-man turn’d the _Sot_ upon the _Emperor_, in _Law-Latin_: This Booby’s Answer in the Fable, as Unmannerly as it was, had yet a Great deal of Truth in’t; for He that can Advance himself to be _a King of Fools_, may be Honestly Reputed within a Hairs Breadth of an _Universal Monarch_.

FAB. CCLXXXIII.

A _Widow_ had a mind to _Marry_.

Well! says a _Widow_ in Confidence to a Friend of her’s. I am Utterly Undone for want of a Sober, Provident _Husband_, to look after my Estate; and there’s No bodies Advice that I had rather have then Yours. But pray, will you take This Along with you too; that for the Course, Common Bus’ness of Matrimony, as I am an Honest Woman, the very Thought on’t turns my Stomach; Very well, says the Confident, and now I know Your Mind, it shall go Hard but I’ll Fit ye. The Good Woman went her way for the Present, and the Next Day came to her again, quite Overjoy’d that she had found out a Man so Absolutely for her Turn. I have Provided ye a Man (says she) of Industry and Integrity; and one that Perfectly Understands all sorts of Bus’ness; and then for Turning Your Stomach, My Life for Yours, Madam, he’s not in a Condition to give you any Qualms That way. _Away, Ye Fool You_, says she; _I Hate the Infirmity, though I Love the Virtue_.

The MORAL.

_Women are All of a Make, and in some Things, most of them in a Mind. One Woman feels Another Womans Pulse in her Own Veins; and there’s_ no Halting before Cripples.

REFLEXION.

There’s No Disputing with a Man that denies Principles, and there are certain _Præcognita_ in the Motions of Flesh and Bloud, as well as in the Philosophy of the Schools: In which Cases, we Understand our Duty without a Teacher, and Acquit our selves as we Ought to do, without a Prompter. That is to say, there are some Certain Fundamentals of _Natural Justice_, that we take for Granted, and Trust One Another for; as in the Proposition of our Widow here in the Fable, without any Need of Articles for the Performance of Covenants. The Widow, in short, play’d the Gipsy, and so did her Confident too, in pretending to Believe her: But there’s _No Catching Old Birds with Chaff_, for One Woman reads the Heart of Womankind in her Own Breast. She was a Fool to be Mealy-Mouth’d, where Nature speaks so Plain. There may be Exceptions ’tis True, to a General Rule, but none to an Universal. It was No Ill shift however, to come off withal, that in despite of All her Aversions, she was not yet for making a Virtue of Necessity. The Publisher of _Mr. Selden’s Table Talk_, Tells of a Girl that was worth Forty of Our Widow here, and an Honest Down-right, Plain Dealing Lass it was. The Wench was just newly Marry’d, and so soon as ever the Job was over, _Pray Mother_, says she, _Must not I go to Bed now?_ No, No, Child, says _Mamma_, You must take Your Dinner first: _Oh_, says the Girl, _and_ Then _go to Bed I warrant ye_. No, my Dear, not yet, says the Mother, You must Dance after Dinner. _Ay, Ay_, says the Girl again, _and_ Then _to Bed_. No, No, says T’other, You must Sup first, and Dance again. _Ay, Ay, and_ Then _to Bed_, says the Bride. This Girl did but speak the Widows Mind; for let Flesh and Bloud pretend what it will, _to Bed, to Bed_, will be the _Bob_ of the _Song_.

FAB. CCLXXXIV.

_Town-Dogs_ and _Country-Dogs_.

’Tis a Common Thing upon the Passing of a _Strange Dog_ through a Town, to have a _Hundred Curs Bawling at his Breech_, and Every Yap gets a Snap at him. There was One Particular Dog, that when he saw there was No saving his Skin by Running away, Turn’d upon his Pursuers, and then found upon the Tryal, that One set of Teeth was worth Two pair of Heels; for upon That Resolution, they All fell off, and Sneak’d their Way. A Captain took Occasion to Apply This Instance to his People. Fellow-Soldiers (says he) take This for a Rule, Those that run away are in more Danger then the Others that stand the Shock.

FAB. CCLXXXV.

A _Snake_ to _Jupiter_.

A _Snake_ that found himself Persecuted by Men, appeal’d to _Jupiter_ for Relief; who told him that it was his Own Fault; for (says he) if you had but Bit the First Man that Affronted ye; the Second would have taken Warning by’t.

The MORAL of the Two FABLES above.

_The putting up of One Affront draws on Another._

REFLEXION.

This is No Ill Emblem of the Common People; that are Insolent so long as they are Fear’d, and Shrink, where they find Danger; for their Courage is Calculated to the Opinion they have of the Enemy. It is the Nature of All sorts of Mungril Curs, to Bawl, Snarle, and Snap, where the Foe flies before them; and to Clap their Tails between their Legs when an Adversary makes Head against them. There’s Nothing, in short, but Resolution, to carry a Man through All Difficulties: And since it is so Absolutely Necessary, the sooner it is Taken up, the Better it succeeds. ’Tis a Matter of very Evil Consequence, to let the Rabble offer Publique Affronts _Gratis_. A seditious Word leads to a Broyl, and a Ryot Unpunish’d, is but next door to a Tumult: So that the Bearing of One Indignity draws on Another. Bite the First Man that Affronts ye, and y’are safe for ever after.

FAB. CCLXXXVI.

The _Frogs_ and _Tortoises_.

As a Company of _Frogs_ were Trifling and Playing up and down in a Meadow, some _Tortoises_, that look’d on, were Mightily Troubled that they could not do so too, but taking Notice a while after, how These _Frogs_ were Pick’d up, and Destroy’d, by Birds and Fishes: Well (says One of ’em) ’tis better to Live Dull, and Heavy, then to Dye Light and Nimble.

The MORAL.

_Every Part and Creature of the Universe has its proper Place, Station, and Faculties Assign’d, and to Wish it Otherwise were to find Fault with Providence._

REFLEXION.

That which Nature has Allotted us is best for us, and it is Great Folly and Wickedness for People not to be Content with it, and Thankful for’t.

No Man knows Himself, or Understands his Own Condition, but by Comparison, and upon Experience. Our very Wishes, many times, are Mortal to us: and the very Granting of our Prayers, would but serve to make us still more and more Miserable. The _Tortoise_’s Shell was a Clog and a Burden, till they found it Necessary for the Defence of their Lives; and they Envy’d the Easyness and Lightness of the Frogs, till they saw them Joll’d to pieces, and Devour’d for want of a Buckler to Cover, and Protect them. But they came then to be of the Begger’s Mind, that stood Gaping at my Lady _Devonshire_’s Funeral: _Here’s a Brave Sight_, says she, _and yet I Gad_ Bess, _for all That, I had rather be a Live Begger then a Dead Countess_. The Moral Concludes in This, that there can be No Thought of Security, or Quiet in This World, but in a Resignation to the Allotments of God and Nature. If the _Tortoises_ had had their Wish, they had e’en been Pick’d up among the _Frogs_.

FAB. CCLXXXVII.

The _Mice_ and the _Oak_.

The _Mice_ found it so Troublesome to be still Climbing the _Oak_ for Every Bit they put in their Bellies, that they were once about to set their Teeth to’t, and bring the Acorns down to them; But some Wiser then some; and a Grave Experienc’d _Mouse_, bad them have a care what they did; for if we Destroy our Nurse at present, Who shall Feed us hereafter?

The MORAL.

_Resolution without Foresight is but a Temerarious Folly: And the Consequences of Things are the First Point to be taken into Consideration._

REFLEXION.

’Tis Ill done for any Man to Consult his Present Ease and Profit, without Computing upon the Trouble and Loss that may Ensue. ’Tis not safe to make any Present Resolutions without a Considerate Prospect into the Future. This is abundantly Moraliz’d in several Other Places. But the _Mouse_’s Question of _Who shall Feed us hereafter?_ goes a great Way in the Resolution of All These Cases.

FAB. CCLXXXVIII.

A _Run-away Dog_ and his _Master_.

There was a _Bob-Tail’d Cur_, cry’d in a _Gazette_, and One that found him out by his Marks, brought him home to his _Master_; who fell presently to Reasoning the Matter with him, how Insensible, and Thankless a Wretch he was, to run away from One that was so Extream kind to him. Did I ever give you a Blow in my Life, says he, or so much as One Angry Word, in all the time that ever you serv’d me? No, says the Dog, not with Your Own Hands, nor with Your Own Lips; but you have given me a Thousand and a Thousand by your Deputy; and when I’m Beaten by my _Master_’s _Order_, ’tis my _Master_ Himself, I reckon, that Beats me.

The MORAL.

_In Benefits as well as Injuries ’tis the Principal that we are to Consider, not the Instrument. That which a Man does by Another, is in Truth and Equity his own Act._

REFLEXION.

The _Master_ here deals with the _Dog_, as Great Officers deal many times with Honest, Well-Meaning Men at Court. They speak ’em Fair Themselves, and Murder ’em by their Deputies: But still That which is done by the Principal’s Order, or with his Privity, or Approbation, is the Principal’s Act. The _Servant_ is But the _Master_’s _Instrument_ in the Case, as the _Cudgel_ is the _Servant_’s; and they are Both under the same Command. When a Man happens to be Kill’d, we do not Impute the Murder to the Weapon that did the Execution, but to him that Manag’d it. This is much after the way of Treating _Elephants_. When an Elephant is taken in a Pit-fall, He that is design’d for the Master and Keeper of him, sets Other People to Prick and Teize him, and Then In comes He Himself, and under Pretence of taking his Part, falls foul upon his Enemies, and Rescues him. The _Elephant_ takes This Man now for his Friend; Whereas, upon the Whole Matter, it was by His Order that he was both Taken and Beaten.

There’s Nothing more Frequent then this _Shamming_ Way of _Confederacy_, betwixt Two Men in Power; when an Honest Patriot, for the Purpose, or a Loyal Subject is to be made an Owl of; by Consent of them Both. The One Affronts him, while the Other Cajoles and Pities him; Takes up his Quarrel, shakes his Head at it; Claps his Hand upon his Breast, and then Protests, and Protests, _he Wonders at his Heart that my Lord should have so little Honour, as to Treat an Honest Gentleman at This rate_. A Friend of mine has been at This sport many and many a time: And now upon the Whole Matter, This is no more at last then a Concerted _Intrigue_ betwixt a Brace of Sharpers, that Laugh all the while at the whole Roguery in their Sleeves. The _Master’s Good Words_ are a Greater Mortification to the _Dog_, then the _Servants Blows_.

FAB. CCLXXXIX.

The _Birds_ and _Beetles_.

The _Birds_ were in a Terrible Fright once, for fear of Gunshot from the _Beetles_. And what was the Bus’ness, but the little Balls of Ordure that the _Beetles_ had Rak’d together, the _Birds_ took for _Bullets_: But a _Sparrow_ in the Company, that had more Wit then his Fellows, bad ’em have a Good Heart yet, for how shall they reach us in the Air, says he, with Those Pellets, that they can hardly Roll upon the Ground.

The MORAL.

_Many People apprehend Danger where there’s None, and reckon themselves sure where there Is, for want of taking the True Measure of Things, and laying Matters Rightly together._

REFLEXION.

Vain Fears and Imaginations Cast a Mist before our Eyes, and not only Represent Real Dangers Greater then they Are, but Create Fantastical Difficulties, where in Truth there are None at all. The _Birds_ were in a Mortal Apprehension of the _Beetles_, till the _Sparrow_ Reason’d them into a Better Understanding of the Matter. How should they Hurt us in the Air, says the _Sparrow_, with Those Pellets, that they can hardly Move upon the Ground, which brought the Point to an Issue upon a very Logical Conclusion.

FAB. CCXC.

A _Bear_ and _Bees_.

A _Bear_ was so Enrag’d once at the Stinging of a _Bee_, that he ran like Mad into the _Bee-Garden_, and Over-turn’d All the _Hives_ in Revenge. This Outrage brought them Out in Whole Troops upon him; and he came afterwards to Bethink himself, how much more Advisable it had been to Pass over One Injury, then by an Unprofitable Passion to Provoke a Thousand.

The MORAL.

_Better pass over an Affront from One Scoundrel, then draw the Whole Herd of the Mobile about a Man’s Ears._

REFLEXION.

We are to learn from hence, the Folly of an Impotent, and Inconsiderate Anger; and that there’s no Creature so Contemptible, but by the Help of Resolution, and of Numbers, it may Gain its Point. The Heat and Thirst of Revenge does but Hurry People from Less Mischiefs to Greater; As One Hasty Word, or Blow, brings on a Thousand. There’s no Opposing the Torrent of a Head-strong Multitude; for Rage and Despair give Courage to the most Inconsiderable, and the most Fearful of Creatures. Had it not been Better now to have pass’d over the Affront of one Spiteful Creature, then to Provoke and draw on upon Himself the Outrage of a Thousand?

FAB. CCXCI.

A _Fowler_ and a _Chaffinch_.

A _Fowler_ that had Bent his Net, and laid his Bait, Planted himself in the _Bird-Catcher_’s Place, to Watch for a Draught. There came a Great Many Birds One after Another, that Lighted, and Peck’d a While, and so away again. At this rate they kept Coming and Going all the Day long; but so few at a time, that the Man did not think ’em worth a Pluck. At last, when he had Slipt All his Opportunities in hope of a Better Hit, the Evening came on, and the Birds were gone to Bed, so that he must either Draw then or not at all; and in the Conclusion, he was e’en fain to content himself with one Single _Chaffinch_, that had the Misfortune to be Later Abroad then her Fellows.

The MORAL.

_Men are so Greedy after what’s to Come, which is Uncertain, that they Slip present Opportunities, which are never to be Recover’d._

REFLEXION.

Delays are Dangerous. The very Instant is All that we can call our Own, the Rest, is either Chance, or Fate. The Case of the _Fowler_ and the _Chaffinch_, reaches to all the Pretensions of Humane Life. Every Man Living has a Design in his Head upon something or other, and Applies himself accordingly toward the Attaining of his End; whether it be Honour, Wealth, Power, or any other sort of Advantage, or Settlement in the World. Now he that would take a True Measure how to Proceed, should say to himself, This is the Thing I would be at. This or That in such a Proportion will do my Bus’ness; And This Nick of time is the Critical Occasion for the Gaining of such or such a Point. I’ll take it while ’tis to be had. He that may be well, and Will not, in hope of being Better, runs the Risque of getting Nothing at all; and so Parts with a Moral Certainty in Possession, for a Wild, and a Remote Possibility in Reversion. Lost Opportunities are never to be Recover’d. ’Tis Good Discretion, when we cannot Command what we would have, to Compound for what we May, and not to call any thing _Ill Luck_, which is in Truth _Ill Manage_. ’Tis a Weakness to be Sollicitous for more then enough, and to Hazzard All by Grasping at too much. _All Covet, All Lose_; for Avarice, whether it Succeeds or not, is but a kind of Beggary; and he that Wants More, has as Good as Nothing at all. The _Bird-Catcher_ slipt his Time here, and makes Good the Old Vulgar Saying; _He that will not when he May, When he Would he shall ha’_ Nay.

FAB. CCXCII.

A _Soldier_ and Two _Horses_.

A _Soldier_ that had One Excellent Horse already, bought Another that was not Half so Good, and yet he took more Care of That, then of the Former. Every body Wonder’d at the Humour of it, considering that for Beauty, or Service, the Latter was not Comparable to the Other. Ay, but says One, ’tis Natural to be Kind to the Last Comer.

The MORAL.

_Our Likings or Dislikes are Founded rather upon Humour and Fancy then upon Reason. Every thing pleases at First; and Nothing Pleases Long; and we shift only to Try if we can Mend our selves in the Next Choice._

REFLEXION.

We are apt to put a Value upon Things for their Novelty, rather then for their Virtue: and the fame Levity holds towards Women, Friends and Acquaintances: Nay, and Governments too; for People seldom Change for a Better. All Civil Constitutions have their Failings, and the Unhinging, even of the Worst of Governments, brings on an _Anarchy_, which is yet Worse; for it lays All in Rubbish: And we have no better Security for the Next State of Things, then we had for the Former, but still for Variety sake, we go on Chopping and Changing our _Friends_, and our _Masters_, as well as our _Horses_; and with the _Soldier_, out of a Sickly Levity, like the Last Best, whatever it be.

FAB. CCXCIII.

A _Spaniel_ and a _Sow_.

I wonder (says a _Sow_ to a _Spaniel_) how you can Fawn thus upon a Master that gives you so many Blows, and Twinges by the Ears. Well (says the _Dog_) but then set the Good Bits, and the Good Words he gives me, against Those Blows and Twinges, and I’m a Gainer by the Bargain.

The MORAL.

_He that will Live Happily in This World, must Resolve to take the Good and the Bad Thankfully and Contentedly One with Another._

REFLEXION.

Without a Strict Hand over us, in the Institution of our Youth, we are in Danger to be Lost for ever. _He that Spares the Rod, Hates the Child_; and the Severity of an Early Discipline is One of the Greatest Obligations that a Son can have to a Tender Parent. This we shall find to be True, if we do but set the Good against the Bad, as the _Dog_ did the _Knocks_, and then Ballance the Account.

FAB. CCXCIV.

_Oxen_ and _Timber_.

Why don’t you Run and Make Hast? cry’d the _Timber_ in the Cart, to the _Oxen_ that Drew it: The Burthen is not so Heavy sure. Well! (said the _Oxen_) if You did but know Your Own Fortune, you’d never be so Merry at Ours. We shall be Discharg’d of our Load so soon as we come to our Journies End, but You that are Design’d for _Beams_ and _Supporters_, shall be made to bear till your Hearts break. This Hint brought the _Timber_ to a Better Understanding of the Case.

The MORAL.

_’Tis Matter of Humanity, Honour, Prudence, and Piety, to be Tender One of Another; for no Man Living knows his End, and ’tis_ the Evening Crowns the Day.

REFLEXION.

It is both Base, and Foolish, to Insult over People in Distress, for the Wheel of Fortune is perpetually in Motion, and He that’s Uppermost to day, may be Under it to Morrow. No Man knows what End he is Born to; and it is Only Death that can Pronounce upon a Happy or a Miserable Life. When the _Timber_ made sport with the _Oxen_ for the Drudgery they Labour’d under, Little did they Dream of the Greater Oppression they were to Undergo Themselves.

FAB. CCXCV.

A _Goldfinch_ and a _Boy_.

A _Goldfinch_ gave his Master the Slip out of the Cage, and he did what he could to get him Back again, but he would not come. Well! says the _Boy_, You’ll live to Repent it; for you’ll never be so well Look’d to in any Other Place. That may very Well be, says the _Bird_; but however, I had rather be at my Own Keeping then at Yours.

The MORAL.

_Never Well; Full nor Fasting._

REFLEXION.

Meat, Drink, and Ease can never make any Man Happy that wants his Liberty. No, nor any Man that has it neither; for we are _never Well, either with Much or Little_. Whatever we Have, we Want something else, and so go on Wanting and Craving, till Death takes us off in the Middle of our Longings. He that’s a Pris’ner, is Troubled that he cannot go whither he Would; And He that’s at Large, is as much Troubled that he does not know whither to Go. The One Stands still: and the Other Loses his Way. Now ’tis not Necessity, but Opinion that makes People Miserable, and when we come once to be _Fancy-Sick_, there’s _No Cure_ for’t. A Man may have his Heels at Liberty, and yet be a Slave to Impotent Affections, and Troubled Thoughts. But This is not, upon any Terms to Undervalue the Blessings of a Natural Freedom; and the _Goldfinch_ was undoubtedly in the Right, when he was once out of the Cage, not to be Whistled back again, if it had not been that he carry’d his Snare along with him.

FAB. CCXCVI.

A _Droll_ and a _Bishop_.

There was a Roguy Wag of a _Droll_ that had a Mind once to put a Trick upon _a Hard, Close-fisted Bishop_: so he went to him upon the _First_ of _January_ to Wish him a _Merry New-Year_ on’t, and begg’d a _Five-Guinea-Piece_ of him for a _New-Years-Gift_. Why, the Man’s Mad (says the _Prelate_) and I believe he takes me to be so too. Dost think I have so Little Wit, as to Part with such a Gob of Money for God-a-Mercy? Nay, my Lord (says the Fellow) if That be too much, let it be but a Single _George_, and I’ll be Thankful for’t; But That would not do Neither. He fell next Bout to a _Copper Farthing_, and was Deny’d That too. When the Fellow saw that there was no _Money_ to be got, Pray (my Lord, says he) let me beg your _Blessing_ then. With all my Heart (says the Bishop) Down on your Knees, and You shall have it: No, My Lord (says T’other) ’tis My Turn now to Deny; for if You Your self had thought That _Blessing_ worth a _Copper Farthing_, you’d never have Parted with it.

The MORAL.

No Penny, No Pater Noster, _does not hold in All Cafes_; _for the_ Penny _and the_ Pater Noster _do not go always together_.

REFLEXION.

There’s No Corruption like Ecclesiastical Avarice; No Cruelty so Merciless as That of a Debauch’d Church-man. ’Tis the Devil’s Master-Piece to begin There; for he knows very Well, that the Scandalous Examples of a Perfidious, and an Apostate Clergy, are the Ready Way to bring the Holy Order of Priesthood it self into _Odium_, and _Disgrace_. _Here’s Your Church_, they cry presently; as if the very _Function_ were _Unhallow’d_ by the _Mercenary Practices_ of some _Backsliding Members_ of that Communion. Let them Live as they Preach, and Preach as they Ought, and let there be No Moralizing in the Pulpit upon the Fable of the _Man_, and the _Satyr_, by _Blowing Hot and Cold_ out of the same Mouth. There are _Simoniacal_ Contracts on the Buying side, as well as on the Selling, when People shall Preach One Doctrine to get Into a Living, and the Contrary to Keep it. What is This, but the Selling of the Truth, and of Souls, for Money, and the Prostituting of All that’s Sacred, for the saving of their Skins and their Stakes?