Chapter LXXV: Introduction (75)

It is an impertinent and unreasonable Fault in Conversation, for one Man to take up all the Discourse. It may possibly be objected to me my self, that I am guilty in this kind, in entertaining the Town every Day, and not giving so many able Persons who have it more in their Power, and as much in their Inclination, an Opportunity to oblige Mankind with their Thoughts. Besides, said one whom I overheard the other Day, why must this Paper turn altogether upon Topicks of Learning and Morality? Why should it pretend only to Wit, Humour, or the like? Things which are useful only to amuse Men of Literature and superior Education. I would have it consist also of all Things which may be necessary or useful to any Part of Society, and the mechanick Arts should have their Place as well as the Liberal. The Ways of Gain, Husbandry, and Thrift, will serve a greater Number of People, than Discourses upon what was well said or done by such a Philosopher, Heroe, General, or Poet. I no sooner heard this Critick talk of my Works, but I minuted what he had said; and from that Instant resolved to enlarge the Plan of my Speculations, by giving Notice to all Persons of all Orders, and each Sex, that if they are pleased to send me Discourses, with their Names and Places of Abode to them, so that I can be satisfied the Writings are authentick, such their Labours shall be faithfully inserted in this Paper. It will be of much more Consequence to a Youth in his Apprenticeship, to know by what Rules and Arts such a one became Sheriff of the City of _London_, than to see the Sign of one of his own Quality with a Lion's Heart in each Hand. The World indeed is enchanted with romantick and improbable Atchievements, when the plain Path to respective Greatness and Success in the Way of Life a Man is in, is wholly overlooked. Is it possible that a young Man at present could pass his Time better, than in reading the History of Stocks, and knowing by what secret Springs they have had such sudden Ascents and Falls in the same Day? Could he be better conducted in his Way to Wealth, which is the great Article of Life, than in a Treatise dated from _Change-Alley_ by an able Proficient there? Nothing certainly could be more useful, than to be well instructed in his Hopes and Fears; to be diffident when others exult, and with a secret Joy buy when others think it their Interest to sell. I invite all Persons who have any thing to say for the Profitable Information of the Publick, to take their Turns in my Paper: They are welcome, from the late noble Inventor of the Longitude, [1] to the humble Author of Strops for Razors. If to carry Ships in Safety, to give Help to People tost in a troubled Sea, without knowing to what Shoar they bear, what Rocks to avoid, or what Coast to pray for in their Extremity, be a worthy Labour, and an Invention that deserves a Statue; at the same Time, he who has found a Means to let the Instrument which is to make your Visage less [horrible [2]], and your Person more smug, easie in the Operation, is worthy of some kind of good Reception: If Things of high Moment meet with Renown, those of little Consideration, since of any Consideration, are not to be despised. In order that no Merit may lye hid and no Art unimproved, I repeat it, that I call Artificers, as well as Philosophers, to my Assistance in the Publick Service. It would be of great Use if we had an exact History of the Successes of every great Shop within the City-Walls, what Tracts of Land have been purchased by a constant Attendance within a Walk of thirty Foot. If it could also be noted in the Equipage of those who are ascended from the Successful Trade of their Ancestors into Figure and Equipage, such Accounts would quicken Industry in the Pursuit of such Acquisitions, and discountenance Luxury in the Enjoyment of them.

To diversifie these kinds of Informations, the Industry of the Female World is not to be unobserved: She to whose Houshold Virtues it is owing, that Men do Honour to her Husband, should be recorded with Veneration; she who had wasted his Labours, with Infamy. When we are come into Domestick Life in this manner, to awaken Caution and Attendance to the main Point, it would not be amiss to give now and then a Touch of Tragedy, and describe [the [3]] most dreadful of all human Conditions, the Case of Bankruptcy; how Plenty, Credit, Chearfulness, full Hopes, and easy Possessions, are in an Instant turned into Penury, faint Aspects, Diffidence, Sorrow, and Misery; how the Man, who with an open Hand the Day before could administer to the Extremities of others, is shunned today by the Friend of his Bosom. It would be useful to shew how just this is on the Negligent, how lamentable on the Industrious. A Paper written by a Merchant, might give this Island a true Sense of the Worth and Importance of his Character: It might be visible from what he could say, That no Soldier entring a Breach adventures more for Honour, than the Trader does for Wealth to his Country. In both Cases the Adventurers have their own Advantage, but I know no Cases wherein every Body else is a Sharer in the Success.

It is objected by Readers of History, That the Battels in those Narrations are scarce ever to be understood. This Misfortune is to be ascribed to the Ignorance of Historians in the Methods of drawing up, changing the Forms of a Battalia, and the Enemy retreating from, as well as approaching to, the Charge. But in the Discourses from the Correspondents, whom I now invite, the Danger will be of another kind; and it is necessary to caution them only against using Terms of Art, and describing Things that are familiar to them in Words unknown to their Readers. I promise my self a great Harvest of new Circumstances, Persons, and Things from this Proposal; and a World, which many think they are well acquainted with, discovered as wholly new. This Sort of Intelligence will give a lively Image of the Chain and mutual Dependance of humane Society, take off impertinent Prejudices, enlarge the Minds of those, whose Views are confined to their own Circumstances; and, in short, if the Knowing in several Arts, Professions, and Trades will exert themselves, it cannot but produce a new Field of Diversion, an Instruction more agreeable than has yet appeared.

T.

[Footnote 1: If this means the Marquis of Worcester, the exact ascertainment of the longitude was not one of his century of Inventions. The sextant had its origin in the mind of Sir Isaac Newton, who was knighted in 1705, and living at this time, but its practical inventor was Thomas Godfrey, a glazier at Philadelphia. Godfrey's instrument is said to have been seen by John Hadley, or that English philosopher, after whom the instrument is named, invented it at the same time, about 1730. Honours of invention were assigned to both Godfrey and Hadley. Means of exact observation of the heavenly bodies would not suffice for exact determining of longitude until the sailor was provided with a timepiece that could be relied upon in all climates for a true uniform standard of time. The invention of such a time-piece, for which Parliament offered a reward of £20,000, was the real solution of the difficulty, and this we owe to the Yorkshireman John Harrison, a carpenter and son of a carpenter, who had a genius for clockmaking, and was stimulated to work at the construction of marine chronometers by living in sight of the sea. He came to London in 1728, and after fifty years of labour finished in 1759 a chronometer which, having stood the test of two voyages, obtained for him the offered reward of £20,000. Harrison died in 1776 at the age of 83.]

[Footnote 2: [horrid]]

[Footnote 3: [that]]

* * * * *

No. 429. Saturday, July 12, 1712. Steele.

'--Populumque falsis dedocet uti
Vocibus--'

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

Since I gave an Account of an agreeable Set of Company which were gone
down into the Country, I have received Advices from thence, that the
Institution of an Infirmary for those who should be out of Humour, has
had very good Effects. My Letters mention particular Circumstances of
two or three Persons, who had the good Sense to retire of their own
Accord, and notified that they were withdrawn, with the Reasons of it,
to the Company, in their respective Memorials.

_The Memorial of Mrs_. Mary Dainty, _Spinster_,

Humbly Sheweth,

That conscious of her own want of Merit, accompanied with a Vanity
of being admired, she had gone into Exile of her own accord.

She is sensible, that a vain Person is the most insufferable
Creature living in a well-bred Assembly.

That she desired, before she appeared in publick again, she might
have Assurances, that tho' she might be thought handsome, there
might not more Address or Compliment be paid to her, than to the
rest of the Company.

That she conceived it a kind of Superiority, that one Person should
take upon him to commend another.

Lastly, That she went into the Infirmary, to avoid a particular
Person who took upon him to profess an Admiration of her.

She therefore prayed, that to applaud out of due place, might be
declar'd an Offence, and punished in the same Manner with
Detraction, in that the latter did but report Persons defective, and
the former made them so.

All which is submitted, &c.

There appeared a Delicacy and Sincerity in this Memorial very
uncommon, but my Friend informs me, that the Allegations of it were
groundless, insomuch that this Declaration of an Aversion to being
praised, was understood to be no other than a secret Trap to purchase
it, for which Reason it lies still on the Table unanswered.

_The humble Memorial of the Lady_ Lydia Loller, Sheweth,

That the Lady _Lydia_ is a Woman of Quality; married to a private
Gentleman.

That she finds her self neither well nor ill.

That her Husband is a Clown.

That Lady _Lydia_ cannot see Company. That she desires the Infirmary
may be her Apartment during her stay in the Country.

That they would please to make merry with their Equals.

That Mr. _Loller_ might stay with them if he thought fit.

It was immediately resolved, that Lady _Lydia_ was still at _London._

_The humble Memorial_ of Thomas Sudden, _Esq_., of the Inner-Temple,
Sheweth,

That Mr. _Sudden_ is conscious that he is too much given to
Argumentation.

That he talks loud.

That he is apt to think all things matter of Debate.

That he stayed behind in _Westminster-Hall_, when the late Shake of
the Roof happened, only because a Council of the other Side asserted
it was coming down.

That he cannot for his Life consent to any thing.

That he stays in the Infirmary to forget himself.

That as soon as he has forgot himself, he will wait on the Company.

His Indisposition was allowed to be sufficient to require a Cessation
from Company.

_The Memorial_ of Frank Jolly, Sheweth,

That he hath put himself into the Infirmary, in regard he is
sensible of a certain rustick Mirth which renders him unfit for
polite Conversation.

That he intends to prepare himself by Abstinence and thin Diet to be
one of the Company.

That at present he comes into a Room as if he were an Express from
Abroad.

That he has chosen an Apartment with a matted Anti-Chamber, to
practise Motion without being heard.

That he bows, talks, drinks, eats, and helps himself before a Glass,
to learn to act with Moderation.

That by reason of his luxuriant Health he is oppressive to Persons
of composed Behaviour.

That he is endeavouring to forget the Word _Pshaw, Pshaw_.

That he is also weaning himself from his Cane.

That when he has learnt to live without his said Cane, he will wait
on the Company, &c.

...

_The Memorial_ of John Rhubarb, _Esq_.,

Sheweth,

That your Petitioner has retired to the Infirmary, but that he is
in perfect good Health, except that he has by long Use. and for want
of Discourse, contracted an Habit of Complaint that he is sick.

That he wants for nothing under the Sun, but what to say, and
therefore has fallen into this unhappy Malady of complaining that he
is sick.

That this Custom of his makes him, by his own Confession, fit only
for the Infirmary, and therefore he has not waited for being
sentenced to it.

That he is conscious there is nothing more improper than such a
Complaint in good Company, in that they must pity, whether they
think the Lamenter ill or not; and that the Complainant must make a
silly Figure, whether he is pitied or not.

Your Petitioner humbly prays, that he may have Time to know how he
does, and he will make his Appearance.

The Valetudinarian was likewise easily excused; and this Society being
resolved not only to make it their Business to pass their Time
agreeably for the present Season, but also to commence such Habits in
themselves as may be of Use in their future Conduct in general, are
very ready to give into a fancied or real Incapacity to join with
their Measures, in order to have no Humourist, proud Man, impertinent
or sufficient ellow, break in upon their Happiness. Great Evils seldom
happen to disturb Company; but Indulgence in Particularities of
Humour, is the Seed of making half our Time hang in Suspence, or waste
away under real Discomposures.

Among other Things it is carefully provided that there may not be
disagreeable Familiarities. No one is to appear in the publick Rooms
undressed, or enter abruptly into each other's Apartment without
intimation. Every one has hitherto been so careful in his Behaviour,
that there has but one Offender in ten Days Time been sent into the
Infirmary, and that was for throwing away his Cards at Whist.

He has offered his Submission in the following Terms.

_The humble Petition of_ Jeoffry Hotspur, _Esq._,

Sheweth,

Though the Petitioner swore, stamped, and threw down his Cards, he
has all imaginable Respect for the Ladies, and the whole Company.

That he humbly desires it may be considered in the Case of Gaming,
there are many Motives which provoke to Disorder.

That the Desire of Gain, and the Desire of Victory, are both
thwarted in Losing.

That all Conversations in the World have indulged Human Infirmity in
this Case.

Your Petitioner therefore most humbly prays, that he may be restored
to the Company, and he hopes to bear ill Fortune with a good Grace
for the future, and to demean himself so as to be no more than
chearful when he wins, than grave when he loses.

T.

* * * * *

No. 430. Monday, July 14, 1712. Steele.

'Quære peregrinum vicinia rauca reclamat.'

Hor.

_SIR_,

As you are Spectator-General, you may with Authority censure
whatsoever looks ill, and is offensive to the Sight; the worst Nusance
of which kind, methinks, is the scandalous Appearance of Poor in all
Parts of this wealthy City. Such miserable Objects affect the
compassionate Beholder with dismal Ideas, discompose the Chearfulness
of his Mind, and deprive him of the Pleasure that he might otherwise
take in surveying the Grandeur of our Metropolis. Who can without
Remorse see a disabled Sailor, the Purveyor of our Luxury, destitute
of Necessaries? Who can behold an honest Soldier, that bravely
withstood the Enemy, prostrate and in Want amongst his Friends? It
were endless to mention all the Variety of Wretchedness, and the
numberless Poor, that not only singly, but in Companies, implore your
Charity. Spectacles of this Nature every where occur; and it is
unaccountable, that amongst the many lamentable Cries that infest this
Town, your Comptroller-General should not take notice of the most
shocking, _viz_. those of the Needy and Afflicted. I can't but think
he wav'd it meerly out of good Breeding, chusing rather to stifle his
Resentment, than upbraid his Countrymen with Inhumanity; however, let
not Charity be sacrificed to Popularity, and if his Ears were deaf to
their Complaints, let not your Eyes overlook their Persons. There are,
I know, many Impostors among them. Lameness and Blindness are
certainly very often acted; but can those that have their Sight and
Limbs, employ them better than in knowing whether they are
counterfeited or not? I know not which of the two misapplies his
Senses most, he who pretends himself blind to move Compassion, or he
who beholds a miserable Object without pitying it. But in order to
remove such Impediments, I wish, Mr. SPECTATOR, you would give us a
Discourse upon Beggars, that we may not pass by true Objects of
Charity, or give to Impostors. I looked out of my Window the other
Morning earlier than ordinary, and saw a blind Beggar, an Hour before
the Passage he stands in is frequented, with a Needle and Thread,
thriftily mending his Stockings: My Astonishment was still greater,
when I beheld a lame Fellow, whose Legs were too big to walk within an
Hour after, bring him a Pot of Ale. I will not mention the Shakings,
Distortions, and Convulsions which many of them practise to gain an
Alms; but sure I am, they ought to be taken Care of in this Condition,
either by the Beadle or the Magistrate. They, it seems, relieve their
Posts according to their Talents. There is the Voice of an old Woman
never begins to beg 'till nine in the Evening, and then she is
destitute of Lodging, turned out for want of Rent, and has the same
ill Fortune every Night in the Year. You should employ an Officer to
hear the Distress of each Beggar that is constant at a particular
Place, who is ever in the same Tone, and succeeds because his Audience
is continually changing, tho' he does not alter his Lamentation. If we
have nothing else for our Money, let us have more Invention to be
cheated with. All which is submitted to your Spectatorial Vigilance:
and I am,
SIR,
Your most humble Servant.

SIR,

I was last _Sunday_ highly transported at our Parish-Church; the
Gentleman in the Pulpit pleaded movingly in Behalf of the poor
Children, and they for themselves much more forcibly by singing an
Hymn; And I had the Happiness to be a Contributor to this little
religious Institution of Innocents, and am sure I never disposed of
Money more to my Satisfaction and Advantage. The inward Joy I find in
my self, and the Good-will I bear to Mankind, make me heartily wish
those pious Works may be encouraged, that the present Promoters may
reap the Delight, and Posterity the Benefit of them. But whilst we are
building this beautiful Edifice, let not the old Ruins remain in View
to sully the Prospect: Whilst we are cultivating and improving this
young hopeful Offspring, let not the ancient and helpless Creatures be
shamefully neglected. The Crowds of Poor, or pretended Poor, in every
Place, are a great Reproach to us, and eclipse the Glory of all other
Charity. It is the utmost Reproach to Society, that there should be a
poor Man unrelieved, or a poor Rogue unpunished. I hope you will think
no Part of Human Life out of your Consideration, but will, at your
Leisure, give us the History of Plenty and Want, and the natural
Gradations towards them, calculated for the Cities of _London_ and
_Westminster_.
_I am, SIR,
Your most Humble Servant_,
T. D.

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

I beg you would be pleased to take Notice of a very great Indecency,
which is extreamly common, though, I think, never yet under your
Censure. It is, Sir, the strange Freedoms some ill-bred married People
take in Company: The unseasonable Fondness of some Husbands, and the
ill-timed Tenderness of some Wives. They talk and act, as if Modesty
was only fit for Maids and Batchelors, and that too before both. I was
once, Mr. SPECTATOR, where the Fault I speak of was so very flagrant,
that (being, you must know, a very bashful Fellow, and several young
Ladies in the Room) I protest I was quite out of Countenance.
_Lucina_, it seems, was breeding, and she did nothing but entertain
the Company with a Discourse upon the Difficulty of Reckoning to a
Day, and said she knew those who were certain to an Hour; then fell a
laughing at a silly unexperienced Creature, who was a Month above her
Time. Upon her Husband's coming in, she put several Questions to him;
which he not caring to resolve, Well, cries _Lucina_, I shall have 'em
all at Night--But lest I should seem guilty of the very Fault I write
against, I shall only intreat _Mr_. SPECTATOR to correct such
Misdemeanors;

'For higher of the Genial Bed by far,
And with mysterious Reverence, I deem.' [1]

_I am, SIR,

Your humble Servant_,

T. Meanwell.

T.

[Footnote 1: Paradise Lost, Bk VIII. 11. 598-9.]

* * * * *

No. 431. Tuesday, July 15, 1712. Steele.

'Quid Dulcius hominum generi a Natura datum est quam sui cuique
liberi?'

Tull.

I have lately been casting in my Thoughts the several Unhappinesses of Life, and comparing the Infelicities of old Age to those of Infancy. The Calamities of Children are due to the Negligence and Misconduct of Parents, those of Age to the past Life which led to it. I have here the History of a Boy and Girl to their Wedding-Day, and I think I cannot give the Reader a livelier Image of the insipid way which Time uncultivated passes, than by entertaining him with their authentick Epistles, expressing all that was remarkable in their Lives, 'till the Period of their Life above mentioned. The Sentence at the Head of this Paper, which is only a warm Interrogation, _What is there in Nature so dear as a Man's own Children to him_? is all the Reflection I shall at present make on those who are negligent or cruel in the Education of them.

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

I am now entring into my One and Twentieth Year, and do not know that
I had one Day's thorough Satisfaction since I came to Years of any
Reflection, till the Time they say others lose their Liberty, the Day
of my Marriage. I am Son to a Gentleman of a very great Estate, who
resolv'd to keep me out of the Vices of the Age; and in order to it
never let me see any Thing that he thought could give me the least
Pleasure. At ten Years old I was put to a Grammar-School, where my
Master received Orders every Post to use me very severely, and have no
regard to my having a great Estate. At Fifteen I was removed to the
University, where I liv'd, out of my Father's great Discretion, in
scandalous Poverty and Want, till I was big enough to be married, and
I was sent for to see the Lady who sends you the Underwritten. When we
were put together, we both considered that we could not be worse than
we were in taking one another, out of a Desire of Liberty entered into
Wedlock. My Father says I am now a Man, and may speak to him like
another Gentleman.

_I am, SIR,

Your most humble Servant_,

Richard Rentfree.

_Mr_. SPEC.

I grew tall and wild at my Mother's, who is a gay Widow, and did not
care for shewing me 'till about two Years and a half ago; at which
time my Guardian Uncle sent me to a Boarding-School, with Orders to
contradict me in nothing, for I had been misused enough already. I had
not been there above a Month, when being in the Kitchin, I saw some
Oatmeal on the Dresser; I put two or three Corns in my Mouth, liked
it, stole a Handful, went into my Chamber, chewed it, and for two
Months after never failed taking Toll of every Pennyworth of Oatmeal
that came into the House: But one Day playing with a Tobacco-pipe
between my Teeth, it happened to break in my Mouth, and the spitting
out the Pieces left such a delicious Roughness on my Tongue, that I
could not be satisfied 'till I had champed up the remaining Part of
the Pipe. I forsook the Oatmeal, and stuck to the Pipes three Months,
in which Time I had dispensed with thirty seven foul Pipes, all to the
Boles; They belonged to an old Gentleman, Father to my Governess--He
lock'd up the clean ones. I left off eating of Pipes, and fell to
licking of Chalk. I was soon tired of this; I then nibbled all the red
Wax of our last Ball-Tickets, and three Weeks after the black Wax from
the Burying-Tickets of the old Gentleman. Two Months after this I
liv'd upon Thunder-bolts, a certain long, round bluish Stone, which I
found among the Gravel in our Garden. I was wonderfully delighted with
this; but Thunder-bolts growing scarce, I fasten'd Tooth and Nail upon
our Garden-Wall, which I stuck to almost a Twelvemonth, and had in
that time peeled and devoured half a Foot towards our Neighbour's
Yard. I now thought my self the happiest Creature in the World, and I
believe in my Conscience, I had eaten quite through, had I had it in
my Chamber; but now I became lazy, and unwilling to stir, and was
obliged to seek Food nearer Home. I then took a strange Hankering to
Coals; I fell to scranching 'em, and had already consumed, I am
certain, as much as would have dressed my Wedding Dinner, when my
Uncle came for me Home. He was in the Parlour with my Governess when I
was called down. I went in, fell on my Knees, for he made me call him
Father; and when I expected the Blessing I asked, the good Gentleman,
in a Surprize, turns himself to my Governess, and asks, Whether this
(pointing to me) was his Daughter? This (added he) is the very Picture
of Death. My Child was a plump-fac'd, hale, fresh-coloured Girl; but
this looks as if she was half-starved, a mere Skeleton. My Governess,
who is really a good Woman, assured my Father I had wanted for
nothing; and withal told him I was continually eating some Trash or
other, and that I was almost eaten up with the Green-sickness, her
Orders being never to cross me. But this magnified but little with my
Father, who presently, in a kind of Pett, paying for my Board, took me
home with him. I had not been long at home, but one _Sunday_ at Church
(I shall never forget it) I saw a young neighbouring Gentleman that
pleased me hugely; I liked him of all Men I ever saw in my Life, and
began to wish I could be as pleasing to him. The very next Day he
came, with his Father, a visiting to our House: We were left alone
together, with Directions on both Sides to be in Love with one
another, and in three Weeks time we were married. I regained my former
Health and Complexion, and am now as happy as the Day is long. Now,
_Mr_. SPEC., I desire you would find out some Name for these craving
Damsels, whether dignified or distinguished under some or all of the
following Denominations, (to wit) _Trash-eaters, Oatmeal-chewers,
Pipe-champers, Chalk-lickers, Wax-nibbles, Coal-Scranchers,
Wall-peelers_, or _Gravel-diggers_: And, good Sir, do your utmost
endeavour to prevent (by exposing) this unaccountable Folly, so
prevailing among the young ones of our Sex, who may not meet with such
sudden good Luck as,

_SIR,
Your constant Reader,
and very humble Servant_,
Sabina Green,
_Now_ Sabina Rentfree.

T.

* * * * *

No. 432. Wednesday, July 16, 1712. Steele.

'Inter-strepit anser olores.'

Virg.

Oxford, July 14.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

According to a late Invitation in one of your Papers to every Man who
pleases to write, I have sent you the following short Dissertation
against the Vice of being prejudiced.

_Your most humble Servant_.

Man is a sociable Creature, and a Lover of Glory; whence it is that
when several Persons are united in the same Society, they are studious
to lessen the Reputation of others, in order to raise their own. The
Wise are content to guide the Springs in Silence, and rejoice in
Secret at their regular Progress: To prate and triumph is the Part
allotted to the Trifling and Superficial: The Geese were
providentially ordained to save the _Capitol_. Hence it is, that the
Invention of Marks and Devices to distinguish Parties, is owing to the
_Beaux_ and _Belles_ of this Island. Hats moulded into different Cocks
and Pinches, have long bid mutual Defiance; Patches have been set
against Patches in Battel-aray; Stocks have risen or fallen in
Proportion to Head-Dresses; and Peace or War been expected, as the
_White_ or the _Red_ Hood hath prevailed. These are the
Standard-Bearers in our contending Armies, the Dwarfs and Squires who
carry the Impresses of the Giants or Knights, not born to fight
themselves, but to prepare the Way for the ensuing Combat.

It is Matter of Wonder to reflect how far Men of weak Understanding
and strong Fancy are hurried by their Prejudices, even to the
believing that the whole Body of the adverse Party are a Band of
Villains and Dæmons. Foreigners complain, that the _English_ are the
proudest Nation under Heaven. Perhaps they too have their Share; but
be that as it will, general Charges against Bodies of Men is the Fault
I am writing against. It must be own'd, to our Shame, that our common
People, and most who have not travelled, have an irrational Contempt
for the Language, Dress, Customs, and even the Shape and Minds of
other Nations. Some Men otherwise of Sense, have wondered that a great
Genius should spring out of _Ireland_; and think you mad in affirming,
that fine Odes have been written in _Lapland_.

This Spirit of Rivalship, which heretofore reigned in the Two
Universities, is extinct, and almost over betwixt College and College:
In Parishes and Schools the Thirst of Glory still obtains. At the
Seasons of Football and Cock-fighting, these little Republicks
reassume their national Hatred to each other. My Tenant in the Country
is verily perswaded, that the Parish of the Enemy hath not one honest
Man in it.

I always hated Satyrs against Woman, and Satyrs against Man; I am apt
to suspect a Stranger who laughs at the Religion of _The Faculty_; My
Spleen rises at a dull Rogue, who is severe upon Mayors and Aldermen;
and was never better pleased than with a Piece of Justice executed
upon the Body of a Templer, who was very arch upon Parsons.

The Necessities of Mankind require various Employments; and whoever
excels in his Province is worthy of Praise. All Men are not educated
after the same Manner, nor have all the same Talents. Those who are
deficient deserve our Compassion, and have a Title to our Assistance.
All cannot be bred in the same Place; but in all Places there arise,
at different Times, such Persons as do Honour to their Society, which
may raise Envy in little Souls, but are admired and cherished by
generous Spirits.

It is certainly a great Happiness to be educated in Societies of great
and eminent Men. Their Instructions and Examples are of extraordinary
Advantage. It is highly proper to instill such a Reverence of the
governing Persons, and Concern for the Honour of the Place, as may
spur the growing Members to worthy Pursuits and honest Emulation: But
to swell young Minds with vain Thoughts of the Dignity of their own
Brotherhood, by debasing and villifying all others, doth them a real
Injury. By this means I have found that their Efforts have become
languid, and their Prattle irksome, as thinking it sufficient Praise
that they are Children of so illustrious and ample a Family. I should
think it a surer as well as more generous Method, to set before the
Eyes of Youth such Persons as have made a noble Progress in
Fraternities less talk'd of; which seems tacitly to reproach their
Sloth, who loll so heavily in the Seats of mighty Improvement: Active
Spirits hereby would enlarge their Notions, whereas by a servile
Imitation of one, or perhaps two, admired Men in their own Body, they
can only gain a secondary and derivative kind of Fame. These Copiers
of Men, like those of Authors or Painters, run into Affectations of
some Oddness, which perhaps was not disagreeable in the Original, but
sits ungracefully on the narrow-soul'd Transcriber.

By such early Corrections of Vanity, while Boys are growing into Men,
they will gradually learn not to censure superficially; but imbibe
those Principles of general Kindness and Humanity, which alone can
make them easie to themselves, and beloved by others.

Reflections of this nature have expunged all Prejudices out of my
Heart, insomuch that, tho' I am a firm Protestant, I hope to see the
Pope and Cardinals without violent Emotions; and tho' I am naturally
grave, I expect to meet good Company at _Paris_.

_I am, SIR,
Your obedient Servant_.

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

I find you are a general Undertaker, and have by your Correspondents
or self an Insight into most things: which makes me apply my self to
you at present in the sorest Calamity that ever befel Man. My Wife has
taken something ill of me, and has not spoke one Word, good or bad, to
me, or any Body in the Family, since _Friday_ was Seven-night. What
must a Man do in that Case? Your Advice would be a great Obligation
to,

_SIR, Your most humble Servant_,

Ralph Thimbleton.

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

When you want a Trifle to fill up a Paper, in inserting this you will
lay an Obligation on

_Your humble Servant_,

Olivio.
July 15th, 1712.

_Dear_ Olivia,

It is but this Moment I have had the Happiness of knowing to whom I
am obliged for the Present I received the second of _April_. I am
heartily sorry it did not come to Hand the Day before; for I can't
but think it very hard upon People to lose their Jest, that offer at
one but once a Year. I congratulate my self however upon the Earnest
given me of something further intended in my Favour, for I am told,
that the Man who is thought worthy by a Lady to make a Fool of,
stands fair enough in her Opinion to become one Day her Husband.
Till such time as I have the Honour of being sworn, I take Leave to
subscribe my self,

_Dear_ Olivia, _Your Fool Elect_,

Nicodemuncio.

T.

* * * * *

No. 433. Thursday, July 17, 1712. Addison.

'Perlege Mæonio cantatas carmine Ranas,
Et frontem nugis solvere disce meis.'

Mart.

The Moral World, as consisting of Males and Females, is of a mixt Nature, and filled with several Customs, Fashions and Ceremonies, which would have no place in it, were there but _One_ Sex. Had our Species no Females in it, Men would be quite different Creatures from what they are at present; their Endeavours to please the opposite Sex, polishes and refines them out of those Manners which are most Natural to them, and often sets them upon modelling themselves, not according to the Plans which they approve in their own Opinions, but according to those Plans which they think are most agreeable to the Female World. In a Word, Man would not only be unhappy, but a rude unfinished Creature, were he conversant with none but those of his own Make.

Women, on the other side, are apt to form themselves in every thing with regard to that other half of reasonable Creatures, with whom they are here blended and confused; their Thoughts are ever turned upon appearing amiable to the other Sex; they talk, and move, and smile, with a Design upon us; every Feature of their Faces, every part of their Dress is filled with Snares and Allurements. There would be no such Animals as Prudes or Coquets in the World, were there not such an Animal as Man. In short, it is the Male that gives Charms to Womankind, that produces an Air in their Faces, a Grace in their Motions, a Softness in their Voices, and a Delicacy in their Complections.

As this mutual Regard between the two Sexes tends to the Improvement of each of them, we may observe that Men are apt to degenerate into rough and brutal Natures, who live as if there were no such things as Women in the World; as on the contrary, Women, who have an Indifference or Aversion for their Counter-parts in human Nature, are generally Sower and Unamiable, Sluttish and Censorious.

I am led into this Train of Thoughts by a little Manuscript which is lately fallen into my Hands, and which I shall communicate to the Reader, as I have done some other curious Pieces of the same Nature, without troubling him with any Enquiries about the Author of it. It contains a summary Account of two different States which bordered upon one another. The one was a Commonwealth of _Amazons_, or Women without Men; the other was a Republick of Males that had not a Woman in their whole Community. As these two States bordered upon one another, it was their way, it seems, to meet upon their Frontiers at a certain Season of the Year, where those among the Men who had not made their Choice in any former Meeting, associated themselves with particular Women, whom they were afterwards obliged to look upon as their Wives in every one of these yearly Rencounters. The Children that sprung from this Alliance, if Males, were sent to their respective Fathers, if Females, continued with their Mothers. By means of this Anniversary Carnival, which lasted about a Week, the Commonwealths were recruited from time to time, and supplied with their respective Subjects.

These two States were engaged together in a perpetual League, Offensive and Defensive, so that if any Foreign Potentate offered to attack either of them, both the Sexes fell upon him at once, and quickly brought him to Reason. It was remarkable that for many Ages this Agreement continued inviolable between the two States, notwithstanding, as was said before, they were Husbands and Wives; but this will not appear so wonderful, if we consider that they did not live together above a Week in a Year.

In the Account which my Author gives of the Male Republick, there were several Customs very remarkable. The Men never shaved their Beards, or pared their Nails above once in a Twelvemonth, which was probably about the time of the great annual Meeting upon their Frontiers. I find the Name of a Minister of State in one Part of their History, who was fined for appearing too frequently in clean Linnen; and of a certain great General who was turned out of his Post for Effeminacy, it having been proved upon him by several credible Witnesses that he washed his Face every Morning. If any Member of the Commonwealth had a soft Voice, a smooth Face, or a supple Behaviour, he was banished into the Commonwealth of Females, where he was treated as a Slave, dressed in Petticoats, and set a Spinning. They had no Titles of Honour among them, but such as denoted some Bodily Strength or Perfection, as such an one _the Tall_, such an one _the Stocky_, such an one _the Gruff_. Their publick Debates were generally managed with Kicks and Cuffs, insomuch that they often came from the Council Table with broken Shins, black Eyes, and bloody Noses. When they would reproach a Man in the most bitter Terms, they would tell him his Teeth were white, or that he had a fair Skin, and a soft Hand. The greatest Man I meet with in their History, was one who could lift Five hundred Weight, and wore such a prodigious Pair of Whiskers as had never been seen in the Commonwealth before his Time. These Accomplishments it seems had rendred him so popular, that if he had not died very seasonably, it is thought he might have enslaved the Republick. Having made this short Extract out of the History of the Male Commonwealth, I shall look into the History of the neighbouring State which consisted of Females, and if I find any thing in it, will not fail to Communicate it to the Publick.

C.

* * * * *

No. 434. Friday, July 18, 1712. Addison.

'Quales Threiciæ cùm flumina Thermodoontis
Pulsant, et pictis bellantur Amazones armis:
Seu circum Hippolyten, seu cùm se Martia curru
Penthesilea refert, magnoque ululante tumultu
Fæminea exultant lunatis agmina peltis.'

Virg.

Having carefully perused the Manuscript I mentioned in my Yesterday's Paper, so far as it relates to the Republick of Women, I find in it several Particulars which may very well deserve the Reader's Attention.

The Girls of Quality, from six to twelve Years old, were put to publick Schools, where they learned to Box and play at Cudgels, with several other Accomplishments of the same Nature; so that nothing was more usual than to see a little Miss returning Home at Night with a broken Pate, or two or three Teeth knocked out of her Head. They were afterwards taught to ride the great Horse, to Shoot, Dart, or Sling, and listed into several Companies, in order to perfect themselves in Military Exercises. No Woman was to be married till she had killed her Man. The Ladies of Fashion used to play with young Lions instead of Lap-dogs, and when they made any Parties of Diversion, instead of entertaining themselves at Ombre or Piquet, they would wrestle and pitch the Bar for a whole Afternoon together. There was never any such thing as a Blush seen, or a Sigh heard, in the Commonwealth. The Women never dressed but to look terrible, to which end they would sometimes after a Battel paint their Cheeks with the Blood of their Enemies. For this Reason likewise the Face which had the most Scars was looked upon as the most beautiful. If they found Lace, Jewels, Ribbons, or any Ornaments in Silver or Gold among the Booty which they had taken, they used to dress their Horses with it, but never entertained a Thought of wearing it themselves. There were particular Rights and Privileges allowed to any Member of the Commonwealth, who was a Mother of three Daughters. The Senate was made up of old Women; for by the Laws of the Country none was to be a Councellor of State that was not past Child-bearing. They used to boast their Republick had continued Four thousand Years, which is altogether improbable, unless we may suppose, what I am very apt to think, that they measured their Time by _Lunar_ Years.

There was a great Revolution brought about in this Female Republick, by means of a neighbouring King, who had made War upon them several Years with various Success, and at length overthrew them in a very great Battel. This Defeat they ascribe to several Causes; some say that the Secretary of State having been troubled with the Vapours, had committed some fatal Mistakes in several Dispatches about that Time. Others pretend, that the first Minister being big with Child, could not attend the Publick Affairs, as so great an Exigency of State required; but this I can give no manner of Credit to, since it seems to contradict a Fundamental Maxim in their Government which I have before mentioned. My Author gives the most probable Reason of this great Disaster; for he affirms, that the General was brought to Bed, or (as others say) Miscarried the very Night before the Battel: However it was, this signal Overthrow obliged them to call in the Male Republick to their Assistance; but notwithstanding their Common Efforts to repulse the Victorious Enemy, the War continued for many Years before they could entirely bring it to a happy Conclusion.

The Campaigns which both Sexes passed together made them so well acquainted with one another, that at the End of the War they did not care for parting. In the Beginning of it they lodged in separate Camps, but afterwards as they grew more familiar, they pitched their Tents promiscuously.

From this time the Armies being Chequered with both Sexes, they polished apace. The Men used to invite their Fellow-Soldiers into their Quarters, and would dress their Tents with Flowers and Boughs, for their Reception. If they chanced to like one more than another, they would be cutting her Name in the Table, or Chalking out her Figure upon a Wall, or talking of her in a kind of rapturous Language, which by degrees improved into Verse and Sonnet. These were as the first Rudiments of Architecture, Painting, and Poetry among this Savage People. After any Advantage over the Enemy, both Sexes used to Jump together and make a Clattering with their Swords and Shields, for Joy, which in a few Years produced several Regular Tunes and Sett Dances.

As the two Armies romped on these Occasions, the Women complained of the thick bushy Beards and long Nails of their Confederates, who thereupon took care to prune themselves into such Figures as were most pleasing to their Female Friends and Allies.

When they had taken any Spoils from the Enemy, the Men would make a Present of every thing that was Rich and Showy to the Women whom they most admired, and would frequently dress the Necks, or Heads, or Arms of their Mistresses, with any thing which they thought appeared Gay or Pretty. The Women observing that the Men took delight in looking upon them, when they were adorned with such Trappings and Gugaws, set their Heads at Work to find out new Inventions, and to outshine one another in all Councils of War or the like solemn Meetings. On the other hand, the Men observing how the Women's Hearts were set upon Finery, begun to Embellish themselves and look as agreeably as they could in the Eyes of their Associates. In short, after a few Years conversing together, the Women had learnt to Smile, and the Men to Ogle, the Women grew Soft, and the Men Lively.

When they had thus insensibly formed one another, upon the finishing of the War, which concluded with an entire Conquest of their common Enemy, the Colonels in one Army Married the Colonels in the other; the Captains in the same Manner took the Captains to their Wives: The whole Body of common Soldiers were matched, after the Example of their Leaders. By this means the two Republicks incorporated with one another, and became the most Flourishing and Polite Government in the Part of the World which they Inhabited.

C.

* * * * *

No. 435. Saturday, July 19, 1712. Addison.

'Nec duo sunt at forma duplex, nec fæmina dici
Nec puer ut possint, neutrumque et utrumque videntur.'

Ovid.

Most of the Papers I give the Publick are written on Subjects that never vary, but are for ever fixt and immutable. Of this kind are all my more serious Essays and Discourses; but there is another sort of Speculations, which I consider as Occasional Papers, that take their Rise from the Folly, Extravagance, and Caprice of the present Age. For I look upon my self as one set to watch the Manners and Behaviour of my Countrymen and Contemporaries, and to mark down every absurd Fashion, ridiculous Custom, or affected Form of Speech that makes its Appearance in the World, during the Course of these my Speculations. The Petticoat no sooner begun to swell, but I observed its Motions. The Party-patches had not time to muster themselves before I detected them. I had Intelligence of the Coloured Hood the very first time it appeared in a Publick Assembly. I might here mention several other the like Contingent Subjects, upon which I have bestowed distinct Papers. By this Means I have so effectually quashed those Irregularities which gave Occasion to 'em, that I am afraid Posterity will scarce have a sufficient Idea of them, to relish those Discourses which were in no little Vogue at the time when they were written. They will be apt to think that the Fashions and Customs I attacked were some Fantastick Conceits of my own, and that their Great-Grand-mothers could not be so whimsical as I have represented them. For this Reason, when I think on the Figure my several Volumes of Speculations will make about a Hundred Years hence, I consider them as so many Pieces of old Plate, where the Weight will be regarded, but the Fashion lost.

Among the several Female Extravagancies I have already taken Notice of, there is one which still keeps its Ground. I mean that of the Ladies who dress themselves in a Hat and Feather, a Riding-coat and a Perriwig, or at least tie up their Hair in a Bag or Ribbond, in imitation of the smart Part of the opposite Sex. As in my Yesterday's Paper I gave an Account of the Mixture of two Sexes in one Commonwealth, I shall here take notice of this Mixture of two Sexes in one Person. I have already shewn my Dislike of this Immodest Custom more than once; but in Contempt of every thing I have hitherto said, I am informed that the Highways about this great City are still very much infested with these Female Cavaliers.

I remember when I was at my Friend Sir ROGER DE COVERLY'S about this time Twelve-month, an Equestrian Lady of this Order appeared upon the Plains which lay at a distance from his House. I was at that time walking in the Fields with my old Friend; and as his Tenants ran out on every side to see so strange a Sight, Sir ROGER asked one of them who came by us what it was? To which the Country Fellow reply'd, 'Tis a Gentlewoman, saving your Worship's Presence, in a Coat and Hat. This produced a great deal of Mirth at the Knight's House, where we had a Story at the same time of another of his Tenants, who meeting this Gentleman-like Lady on the High-way, was asked by her _whether that was_ Coverly-Hall, the Honest Man seeing only the Male Part of the Querist, replied, _Yes, Sir_; but upon the second Question, _whether_ Sir ROGER DE COVERLY _was a married Man_, having dropped his Eye upon the Petticoat, he changed his Note into _No, Madam_.

Had one of these Hermaphrodites appeared in _Juvenal's_ Days, with what an Indignation should we have seen her described by that excellent Satyrist. He would have represented her in a Riding Habit, as a greater Monster than the Centaur. He would have called for Sacrifices or Purifying Waters, to expiate the Appearance of such a Prodigy. He would have invoked the Shades of _Portia_ or _Lucretia_, to see into what the _Roman_ Ladies had transformed themselves.

For my own part, I am for treating the Sex with greater Tenderness, and have all along made use of the most gentle Methods to bring them off from any little Extravagance into which they are sometimes unwarily fallen: I think it however absolutely necessary to keep up the Partition between the two Sexes, and to take Notice of the smallest Encroachments which the one makes upon the other. I hope therefore that I shall not hear any more Complaints on this Subject. I am sure my She-Disciples who peruse these my daily Lectures, have profited but little by them, if they are capable of giving into such an Amphibious Dress. This I should not have mentioned, had not I lately met one of these my Female Readers in _Hyde Park_, who looked upon me with a masculine Assurance, and cocked her Hat full in my Face.

For my part, I have one general Key to the Behaviour of the Fair Sex. When I see them singular in any Part of their Dress, I conclude it is not without some Evil Intention; and therefore question not but the Design of this strange Fashion is to smite more effectually their Male Beholders. Now to set them right in this Particular, I would fain have them consider with themselves whether we are not more likely to be struck by a Figure entirely Female, than with such an one as we may see every Day in our Glasses: Or, if they please, let them reflect upon their own Hearts, and think how they would be affected should they meet a Man on Horseback, in his Breeches and Jack-Boots, and at the same time dressed up in a Commode and a Night-raile.