Chapter XLIV: Introduction (44)

There is nothing which one regards so much with an Eye of Mirth and Pity as Innocence, when it has in it a Dash of Folly. At the same time that one esteems the Virtue, one is tempted to laugh at the Simplicity which accompanies it. When a Man is made up wholly of the Dove, without the least Grain of the Serpent in his Composition, he becomes ridiculous in many Circumstances of Life, and very often discredits his best Actions. The _Cordeliers_ tell a Story of their Founder St. _Francis_, that as he passed the Streets in the Dusk of the Evening, he discovered a young Fellow with a Maid in a Corner; upon which the good Man, say they, lifted up his Hands to Heaven with a secret Thanksgiving, that there was still so much Christian Charity in the World. The Innocence of the Saint made him mistake the Kiss of a Lover for a Salute of Charity. I am heartily concerned when I see a virtuous Man without a competent Knowledge of the World; and if there be any Use in these my Papers, it is this, that without presenting Vice under any false alluring Notions, they give my Reader an Insight into the Ways of Men, and represent human Nature in all its changeable Colours. The Man who has not been engaged in any of the Follies of the World, or, as _Shakespear_ expresses it, _hackney'd in the Ways of Men_, may here find a Picture of its Follies and Extravagancies. The Virtuous and the Innocent may know in Speculation what they could never arrive at by Practice, and by this Means avoid the Snares of the Crafty, the Corruptions of the Vicious, and the Reasonings of the Prejudiced. Their Minds may be opened without being vitiated.

It is with an Eye to my following Correspondent, Mr. _Timothy Doodle_, who seems a very well-meaning Man, that I have written this short Preface, to which I shall subjoin a Letter from the said Mr. _Doodle_.

SIR,

I could heartily wish that you would let us know your Opinion upon
several innocent Diversions which are in use among us, and which are
very proper to pass away a Winter Night for those who do not care to
throw away their Time at an Opera, or at the Play-house. I would
gladly know in particular, what Notion you have of Hot-Cockles; as
also whether you think that Questions and Commands, Mottoes, Similes,
and Cross-Purposes have not more Mirth and Wit in them, than those
publick Diversions which are grown so very fashionable among us. If
you would recommend to our Wives and Daughters, who read your Papers
with a great deal of Pleasure, some of those Sports and Pastimes that
may be practised within Doors, and by the Fire-side, we who are
Masters of Families should be hugely obliged to you. I need not tell
you that I would have these Sports and Pastimes not only merry but
innocent, for which Reason I have not mentioned either Whisk or
Lanterloo, nor indeed so much as One and Thirty. After having
communicated to you my Request upon this Subject, I will be so free as
to tell you how my Wife and I pass away these tedious Winter Evenings
with a great deal of Pleasure. Tho she be young and handsome, and
good-humoured to a Miracle, she does not care for gadding abroad like
others of her Sex. There is a very friendly Man, a Colonel in the
Army, whom I am mightily obliged to for his Civilities, that comes to
see me almost every Night; for he is not one of those giddy young
Fellows that cannot live out of a Play-house. When we are together, we
very often make a Party at Blind-Man's Buff, which is a Sport that I
like the better, because there is a good deal of Exercise in it. The
Colonel and I are blinded by Turns, and you would laugh your Heart out
to see what Pains my Dear takes to hoodwink us, so that it is
impossible for us to see the least Glimpse of Light. The poor Colonel
sometimes hits his Nose against a Post, and makes us die with
laughing. I have generally the good Luck not to hurt myself, but am
very often above half an Hour before I can catch either of them; for
you must know we hide ourselves up and down in Corners, that we may
have the more Sport. I only give you this Hint as a Sample of such
Innocent Diversions as I would have you recommend; and am, _Most
esteemed SIR, your ever loving Friend_, Timothy Doodle.

The following Letter was occasioned by my last _Thursdays_ Paper upon the Absence of Lovers, and the Methods therein mentioned of making such Absence supportable.

SIR,

Among the several Ways of Consolation which absent Lovers make use of
while their Souls are in that State of Departure, which you say is
Death in Love, there are some very material ones that have escaped
your Notice. Among these, the first and most received is a crooked
Shilling, which has administered great Comfort to our Forefathers, and
is still made use of on this Occasion with very good Effect in most
Parts of Her Majesty's Dominions. There are some, I know, who think a
Crown-Piece cut into two equal Parts, and preserved by the distant
Lovers, is of more sovereign Virtue than the former. But since
Opinions are divided in this Particular, why may not the same Persons
make use of both? The Figure of a Heart, whether cut in Stone or cast
in Metal, whether bleeding upon an Altar, stuck with Darts, or held in
the Hand of a _Cupid_, has always been looked upon as Talismanick in
Distresses of this Nature. I am acquainted with many a brave Fellow,
who carries his Mistress in the Lid of his Snuff-box, and by that
Expedient has supported himself under the Absence of a whole Campaign.
For my own Part, I have tried all these Remedies, but never found so
much Benefit from any as from a Ring, in which my Mistresss Hair is
platted together very artificially in a kind of True-Lovers Knot. As
I have received great Benefit from this Secret, I think myself obliged
to communicate it to the Publick, for the Good of my Fellow-Subjects.
I desire you will add this Letter as an Appendix to your Consolations
upon Absence, and am, _Your very humble Servant,_ T. B.

I shall conclude this Paper with a Letter from an University Gentleman, occasioned by my last _Tuesdays_ Paper, wherein I gave some Account of the great Feuds which happened formerly in those learned Bodies, between the modern _Greeks_ and _Trojans_.

SIR,

This will give you to understand, that there is at present in the
Society, whereof I am a Member, a very considerable Body of _Trojans_,
who, upon a proper Occasion, would not fail to declare ourselves. In
the mean while we do all we can to annoy our Enemies by Stratagem, and
are resolved by the first Opportunity to attack Mr. _Joshua Barnes_
[1], whom we look upon as the _Achilles_ of the opposite Party. As for
myself, I have had the Reputation ever since I came from School, of
being a trusty _Trojan_, and am resolved never to give Quarter to the
smallest Particle of _Greek_, where-ever I chance to meet it. It is
for this Reason I take it very ill of you, that you sometimes hang out
_Greek_ Colours at the Head of your Paper, and sometimes give a Word
of the Enemy even in the Body of it. When I meet with any thing of
this nature, I throw down your Speculations upon the Table, with that
Form of Words which we make use of when we declare War upon an Author.

_Græcum est, non potest legi._ [2]

I give you this Hint, that you may for the future abstain from any
such Hostilities at your Peril.

_Troilus_.

C.

[Footnote 1: Professor of Greek at Cambridge, who edited Homer, Euripides, Anacreon, &c., and wrote in Greek verse a History of Esther. He died in 1714.]

[Footnote 2:

It is Greek. It cannot be read.

This passed into a proverb from Franciscus Accursius, a famous Jurisconsult and son of another Accursius, who was called the Idol of the Jurisconsults. Franciscus Accursius was a learned man of the 13th century, who, in expounding Justinian, whenever he came to one of Justinian's quotations from Homer, said Græcum est, nec potest legi. Afterwards, in the first days of the revival of Greek studies in Europe, it was often said, as reported by Claude d'Espence, for example, that to know anything of Greek made a man suspected, to know anything of Hebrew almost made him a heretic.]

* * * * *

No. 246. Wednesday, December 12, 1711. Steele

[Greek: Ouch ara soi ge patàer aen ippóra Paeleùs Oudè Thétis máetaer,
glaukàe dè d étikte thálassa Pétrai t aelíbatoi, hóti toi nóos estìn
apaenàes.]

_Mr. SPECTATOR_,

As your Paper is Part of the Equipage of the Tea-Table, I conjure you
to print what I now write to you; for I have no other Way to
communicate what I have to say to the fair Sex on the most important
Circumstance of Life, even the Care of Children. I do not understand
that you profess your Paper is always to consist of Matters which are
only to entertain the Learned and Polite, but that it may agree with
your Design to publish some which may tend to the Information of
Mankind in general; and when it does so, you do more than writing Wit
and Humour. Give me leave then to tell you, that of all the Abuses
that ever you have as yet endeavoured to reform, certainly not one
wanted so much your Assistance as the Abuse in [nursing [1]] Children.
It is unmerciful to see, that a Woman endowed with all the Perfections
and Blessings of Nature, can, as soon as she is delivered, turn off
her innocent, tender, and helpless Infant, and give it up to a Woman
that is (ten thousand to one) neither in Health nor good Condition,
neither sound in Mind nor Body, that has neither Honour nor
Reputation, neither Love nor Pity for the poor Babe, but more Regard
for the Money than for the whole Child, and never will take further
Care of it than what by all the Encouragement of Money and Presents
she is forced to; like _Æsop's_ Earth, which would not nurse the Plant
of another Ground, altho never so much improved, by reason that Plant
was not of its own Production. And since anothers Child is no more
natural to a Nurse than a Plant to a strange and different Ground, how
can it be supposed that the Child should thrive? and if it thrives,
must it not imbibe the gross Humours and Qualities of the Nurse, like
a Plant in a different Ground, or like a Graft upon a different Stock?
Do not we observe, that a Lamb sucking a Goat changes very much its
Nature, nay even its Skin and Wooll into the Goat Kind? The Power of a
Nurse over a Child, by infusing into it, with her Milk, her Qualities
and Disposition, is sufficiently and daily observed: Hence came that
old Saying concerning an ill-natured and malicious Fellow, that he had
imbibed his Malice with his Nurses Milk, or that some Brute or other
had been his Nurse. Hence _Romulus_ and _Remus_ were said to have been
nursed by a Wolf, _Telephus_ the Son of _Hercules_ by a Hind, _Pelias_
the Son of _Neptune_ by a Mare, and _Ægisthus_ by a Goat; not that
they had actually suck'd such Creatures, as some Simpletons have
imagin'd, but that their Nurses had been of such a Nature and Temper,
and infused such into them.

Many Instances may be produced from good Authorities and daily
Experience, that Children actually suck in the several Passions and
depraved Inclinations of their Nurses, as Anger, Malice, Fear,
Melancholy, Sadness, Desire, and Aversion. This _Diodorus, lib._ 2,
witnesses, when he speaks, saying, That _Nero_ the Emperors Nurse had
been very much addicted to Drinking; which Habit _Nero_ received from
his Nurse, and was so very particular in this, that the People took so
much notice of it, as instead of _Tiberius Nero,_ they call'd him
_Biberius Mero_. The same _Diodorus_ also relates of _Caligula,_
Predecessor to _Nero_, that his Nurse used to moisten the Nipples of
her Breast frequently with Blood, to make _Caligula_ take the better
Hold of them; which, says _Diodorus,_ was the Cause that made him so
blood-thirsty and cruel all his Life-time after, that he not only
committed frequent Murder by his own Hand, but likewise wished that
all human Kind wore but one Neck, that he might have the Pleasure to
cut it off. Such like Degeneracies astonish the Parents, [who] not
knowing after whom the Child can take, [see [2]] one to incline to
Stealing, another to Drinking, Cruelty, Stupidity; yet all these are
not minded. Nay it is easy to demonstrate, that a Child, although it
be born from the best of Parents, may be corrupted by an ill-tempered
Nurse. How many Children do we see daily brought into Fits,
Consumptions, Rickets, &c., merely by sucking their Nurses when in a
Passion or Fury? But indeed almost any Disorder of the Nurse is a
Disorder to the Child, and few Nurses can be found in this Town but
what labour under some Distemper or other. The first Question that is
generally asked a young Woman that wants to be a Nurse, [Why[3]] she
should be a Nurse to other Peoples Children; is answered, by her
having an ill Husband, and that she must make Shift to live. I think
now this very Answer is enough to give any Body a Shock if duly
considered; for an ill Husband may, or ten to one if he does not,
bring home to his Wife an ill Distemper, or at least Vexation and
Disturbance. Besides as she takes the Child out of meer Necessity, her
Food will be accordingly, or else very coarse at best; whence proceeds
an ill-concocted and coarse Food for the Child; for as the Blood, so
is the Milk; and hence I am very well assured proceeds the Scurvy, the
Evil, and many other Distempers. I beg of you, for the Sake of the
many poor Infants that may and will be saved, by weighing this Case
seriously, to exhort the People with the utmost Vehemence to let the
Children suck their own [Mothers, [4]] both for the Benefit of Mother
and Child. For the general Argument, that a Mother is weakned by
giving suck to her Children, is vain and simple; I will maintain that
the Mother grows stronger by it, and will have her Health better than
she would have otherwise: She will find it the greatest Cure and
Preservative for the Vapours and future Miscarriages, much beyond any
other Remedy whatsoever: Her Children will be like Giants, whereas
otherwise they are but living Shadows and like unripe Fruit; and
certainly if a Woman is strong enough to bring forth a Child, she is
beyond all Doubt strong enough to nurse it afterwards. It grieves me
to observe and consider how many poor Children are daily ruin'd by
careless Nurses; and yet how tender ought they to be of a poor Infant,
since the least Hurt or Blow, especially upon the Head, may make it
senseless, stupid, or otherwise miserable for ever?

But I cannot well leave this Subject as yet; for it seems to me very
unnatural, that a Woman that has fed a Child as Part of her self for
nine Months, should have no Desire to nurse it farther, when brought
to Light and before her Eyes, and when by its Cry it implores her
Assistance and the Office of a Mother. Do not the very cruellest of
Brutes tend their young ones with all the Care and Delight imaginable?
For how can she be call'd a Mother that will not nurse her young ones?
The Earth is called the Mother of all Things, not because she
produces, but because she maintains and nurses what she produces. The
Generation of the Infant is the Effect of Desire, but the Care of it
argues Virtue and Choice. I am not ignorant but that there are some
Cases of Necessity where a Mother cannot give Suck, and then out of
two Evils the least must be chosen; but there are so very few, that I
am sure in a Thousand there is hardly one real Instance; for if a
Woman does but know that her Husband can spare about three or six
Shillings a Week extraordinary, (altho this is but seldom considered)
she certainly, with the Assistance of her Gossips, will soon perswade
the good Man to send the Child to Nurse, and easily impose upon him by
pretending In-disposition. This Cruelty is supported by Fashion, and
Nature gives Place to Custom. _SIR, Your humble Servant_.

T.

[Footnote 1: [nursing of], and in first reprint.]

[Footnote 2: [seeing], and in 1st r.]

[Footnote 3: [is, why], and in 1st. r.]

[Footnote 4: Mother,]

* * * * *

No. 247. Thursday, December 13, 1711. Addison.

[Greek:--Tôn d akámatos rhéei audàe Ek stomátôn haedeia--Hes.]

We are told by some antient Authors, that _Socrates_ was instructed in Eloquence by a Woman, whose Name, if I am not mistaken, was _Aspasia_. I have indeed very often looked upon that Art as the most proper for the Female Sex, and I think the Universities would do well to consider whether they should not fill the Rhetorick Chairs with She Professors.

It has been said in the Praise of some Men, that they could Talk whole Hours together upon any Thing; but it must be owned to the Honour of the other Sex, that there are many among them who can Talk whole Hours together upon Nothing. I have known a Woman branch out into a long Extempore Dissertation upon the Edging of a Petticoat, and chide her Servant for breaking a China Cup, in all the Figures of Rhetorick.

Were Women admitted to plead in Courts of Judicature, I am perswaded they would carry the Eloquence of the Bar to greater Heights than it has yet arrived at. If any one doubts this, let him but be present at those Debates which frequently arise among the Ladies [of the [1]] _British_ Fishery.

The first Kind therefore of Female Orators which I shall take notice of, are those who are employed in stirring up the Passions, a Part of Rhetorick in which _Socrates_ his Wife had perhaps made a greater Proficiency than his above-mentioned Teacher.

The second Kind of Female Orators are those who deal in Invectives, and who are commonly known by the Name of the Censorious. The Imagination and Elocution of this Set of Rhetoricians is wonderful. With what a Fluency of Invention, and Copiousness of Expression, will they enlarge upon every little Slip in the Behaviour of another? With how many different Circumstances, and with what Variety of Phrases, will they tell over the same Story? I have known an old Lady make an unhappy Marriage the Subject of a Months Conversation. She blamed the Bride in one Place; pitied her in another; laughed at her in a third; wondered at her in a fourth; was angry with her in a fifth; and in short, wore out a Pair of Coach-Horses in expressing her Concern for her. At length, after having quite exhausted the Subject on this Side, she made a Visit to the new-married Pair, praised the Wife for the prudent Choice she had made, told her the unreasonable Reflections which some malicious People had cast upon her, and desired that they might be better acquainted. The Censure and Approbation of this Kind of Women are therefore only to be consider'd as Helps to Discourse.

A third Kind of Female Orators may be comprehended under the Word _Gossips_. Mrs. _Fiddle Faddle_ is perfectly accomplished in this Sort of Eloquence; she launches out into Descriptions of Christenings, runs Divisions upon an Headdress, knows every Dish of Meat that is served up in her Neighbourhood, and entertains her Company a whole Afternoon together with the Wit of her little Boy, before he is able to speak.

The Coquet may be looked upon as a fourth Kind of Female Orator. To give her self the larger Field for Discourse, she hates and loves in the same Breath, talks to her Lap-dog or Parrot, is uneasy in all kinds of Weather, and in every Part of the Room: She has false Quarrels and feigned Obligations to all the Men of her Acquaintance; sighs when she is not sad, and Laughs when she is not Merry. The Coquet is in particular a great Mistress of that Part of Oratory which is called Action, and indeed seems to speak for no other Purpose, but as it gives her an Opportunity of stirring a Limb, or varying a Feature, of glancing her Eyes, or playing with her Fan.

As for News-mongers, Politicians, Mimicks, Story-Tellers, with other Characters of that nature, which give Birth to Loquacity, they are as commonly found among the Men as the Women; for which Reason I shall pass them over in Silence.

I have often been puzzled to assign a Cause why Women should have this Talent of a ready Utterance in so much greater Perfection than Men. I have sometimes fancied that they have not a retentive Power, or the Faculty of suppressing their Thoughts, as Men have, but that they are necessitated to speak every Thing they think, and if so, it would perhaps furnish a very strong Argument to the _Cartesians_, for the supporting of their [Doctrine,[2]] that the Soul always thinks. But as several are of Opinion that the Fair Sex are not altogether Strangers to the Art of Dissembling and concealing their Thoughts, I have been forced to relinquish that Opinion, and have therefore endeavoured to seek after some better Reason. In order to it, a Friend of mine, who is an excellent Anatomist, has promised me by the first Opportunity to dissect a Woman's Tongue, and to examine whether there may not be in it certain Juices which render it so wonderfully voluble [or [3]] flippant, or whether the Fibres of it may not be made up of a finer or more pliant Thread, or whether there are not in it some particular Muscles which dart it up and down by such sudden Glances and Vibrations; or whether in the last Place, there may not be certain undiscovered Channels running from the Head and the Heart, to this little Instrument of Loquacity, and conveying into it a perpetual Affluence of animal Spirits. Nor must I omit the Reason which _Hudibras_ has given, why those who can talk on Trifles speak with the greatest Fluency; namely, that the Tongue is like a Race-Horse, which runs the faster the lesser Weight it carries.

Which of these Reasons soever may be looked upon as the most probable, I think the _Irishman's_ Thought was very natural, who after some Hours Conversation with a Female Orator, told her, that he believed her Tongue was very glad when she was asleep, for that it had not a Moments Rest all the while she was awake.

That excellent old Ballad of _The Wanton Wife of Bath_ has the following remarkable Lines.

_I think, quoth_ Thomas, _Womens Tongues
Of Aspen Leaves are made._

And Ovid, though in the Description of a very barbarous Circumstance, tells us, That when the Tongue of a beautiful Female was cut out, and thrown upon the Ground, it could not forbear muttering even in that Posture.

--Comprensam forcipe linguam
Abstulit ense fero. Radix micat ultima linguæ,
Ipsa jacet, terræque tremens immurmurat atræ;
Utque salire solet mutilatæ cauda colubræ
Palpitat:--[4]

If a tongue would be talking without a Mouth, what could it have done when it had all its Organs of Speech, and Accomplices of Sound about it? I might here mention the Story of the Pippin-Woman, had not I some Reason to look upon it as fabulous.

I must confess I am so wonderfully charmed with the Musick of this little Instrument, that I would by no Means discourage it. All that I aim at by this Dissertation is, to cure it of several disagreeable Notes, and in particular of those little Jarrings and Dissonances which arise from Anger, Censoriousness, Gossiping and Coquetry. In short, I would always have it tuned by Good-Nature, Truth, Discretion and Sincerity.

C.

[Footnote 1: that belong to our]

[Footnote 2: [Opinion,]]

[Footnote 3: [and]]

[Footnote 4: Met. I. 6, v. 556.]

* * * * *

No. 248. Friday, December 14, 1711. Steele.

Hoc maximè Officii est, ut quisque maximè opis indigeat, ita ei
potissimùm opitulari.

Tull.

There are none who deserve Superiority over others in the Esteem of Mankind, who do not make it their Endeavour to be beneficial to Society; and who upon all Occasions which their Circumstances of Life can administer, do not take a certain unfeigned Pleasure in conferring Benefits of one kind or other. Those whose great Talents and high Birth have placed them in conspicuous Stations of Life, are indispensably obliged to exert some noble Inclinations for the Service of the World, or else such Advantages become Misfortunes, and Shade and Privacy are a more eligible Portion. Where Opportunities and Inclinations are given to the same Person, we sometimes see sublime Instances of Virtue, which so dazzle our Imaginations, that we look with Scorn on all which in lower Scenes of Life we may our selves be able to practise. But this is a vicious Way of Thinking; and it bears some Spice of romantick Madness, for a Man to imagine that he must grow ambitious, or seek Adventures, to be able to do great Actions. It is in every Man's Power in the World who is above meer Poverty, not only to do Things worthy but heroick. The great Foundation of civil Virtue is Self-Denial; and there is no one above the Necessities of Life, but has Opportunities of exercising that noble Quality, and doing as much as his Circumstances will bear for the Ease and Convenience of other Men; and he who does more than ordinarily Men practise upon such Occasions as occur in his Life, deserves the Value of his Friends as if he had done Enterprizes which are usually attended with the highest Glory. Men of publick Spirit differ rather in their Circumstances than their Virtue; and the Man who does all he can in a low Station, is more [a[1]] Hero than he who omits any worthy Action he is able to accomplish in a great one. It is not many Years ago since _Lapirius_, in Wrong of his elder Brother, came to a great Estate by Gift of his Father, by reason of the dissolute Behaviour of the First-born. Shame and Contrition reformed the Life of the disinherited Youth, and he became as remarkable for his good Qualities as formerly for his Errors. _Lapirius_, who observed his Brothers Amendment, sent him on a New-Years Day in the Morning the following Letter:

_Honoured Brother,_

I enclose to you the Deeds whereby my Father gave me this House and
Land: Had he lived till now, he would not have bestowed it in that
Manner; he took it from the Man you were, and I restore it to the Man
you are. I am,

_SIR,
Your affectionate Brother, and humble Servant,_
P. T.

As great and exalted Spirits undertake the Pursuit of hazardous Actions for the Good of others, at the same Time gratifying their Passion for Glory; so do worthy Minds in the domestick Way of Life deny themselves many Advantages, to satisfy a generous Benevolence which they bear to their Friends oppressed with Distresses and Calamities. Such Natures one may call Stores of Providence, which are actuated by a secret Celestial Influence to undervalue the ordinary Gratifications of Wealth, to give Comfort to an Heart loaded with Affliction, to save a falling Family, to preserve a Branch of Trade in their Neighbourhood, and give Work to the Industrious, preserve the Portion of the helpless Infant, and raise the Head of the mourning Father. People whose Hearts are wholly bent towards Pleasure, or intent upon Gain, never hear of the noble Occurrences among Men of Industry and Humanity. It would look like a City Romance, to tell them of the generous Merchant who the other Day sent this Billet to an eminent Trader under Difficulties to support himself, in whose Fall many hundreds besides himself had perished; but because I think there is more Spirit and true Gallantry in it than in any Letter I have ever read from _Strepkon_ to _Phillis_, I shall insert it even in the mercantile honest Stile in which it was sent.

_SIR_,

I Have heard of the Casualties which have involved you in extreme
Distress at this Time; and knowing you to be a Man of great
Good-Nature, Industry and Probity, have resolved to stand by you. Be
of good Chear, the Bearer brings with him five thousand Pounds, and
has my Order to answer your drawing as much more on my Account. I did
this in Haste, for fear I should come too late for your Relief; but
you may value your self with me to the Sum of fifty thousand Pounds;
for I can very chearfully run the Hazard of being so much less rich
than I am now, to save an honest Man whom I love.

_Your Friend and Servant_,
[W. S. [2]]

I think there is somewhere in _Montaigne_ Mention made of a Family-book, wherein all the Occurrences that happened from one Generation of that House to another were recorded. Were there such a Method in the Families, which are concerned in this Generosity, it would be an hard Task for the greatest in _Europe_ to give, in their own, an Instance of a Benefit better placed, or conferred with a more graceful Air. It has been heretofore urged, how barbarous and inhuman is any unjust Step made to the Disadvantage of a Trader; and by how much such an Act towards him is detestable, by so much an Act of Kindness towards him is laudable. I remember to have heard a Bencher of the _Temple_ tell a Story of a Tradition in their House, where they had formerly a Custom of chusing Kings for such a Season, and allowing him his Expences at the Charge of the Society: One of our Kings, said my Friend, carried his Royal Inclination a little too far, and there was a Committee ordered to look into the Management of his Treasury. Among other Things it appeared, that his Majesty walking _incog_, in the Cloister, had overheard a poor Man say to another, Such a small Sum would make me the happiest Man in the World. The King out of his Royal Compassion privately inquired into his Character, and finding him a proper Object of Charity, sent him the Money. When the Committee read their Report, the House passed his Account with a Plaudite without further Examination, upon the Recital of this Article in them.

_For making a Man happy_ £. : s. : d.:

10 : 00 : 00

T.

[Footnote 1: [an]]

[Footnote 2: [W. P.] corrected by an Erratum in No. 152 to W.S.]

* * * * *

No. 249. Saturday, December 15, 1711. Addison.

[Greek: _Gélôs akairos en brotois deinòn kakòn_]

Frag. Vet. Poet.

When I make Choice of a Subject that has not been treated on by others, I throw together my Reflections on it without any Order or Method, so that they may appear rather in the Looseness and Freedom of an Essay, than in the Regularity of a Set Discourse. It is after this Manner that I shall consider Laughter and Ridicule in my present Paper.

Man is the merriest Species of the Creation, all above and below him are Serious. He sees things in a different Light from other Beings, and finds his Mirth [a]rising from Objects that perhaps cause something like Pity or Displeasure in higher Natures. Laughter is indeed a very good Counterpoise to the Spleen; and it seems but reasonable that we should be capable of receiving Joy from what is no real Good to us, since we can receive Grief from what is no real Evil.

I have in my Forty-seventh Paper raised a Speculation on the Notion of a Modern Philosopher [1], who describes the first Motive of Laughter to be a secret Comparison which we make between our selves, and the Persons we laugh at; or, in other Words, that Satisfaction which we receive from the Opinion of some Pre-eminence in our selves, when we see the Absurdities of another or when we reflect on any past Absurdities of our own. This seems to hold in most Cases, and we may observe that the vainest Part of Mankind are the most addicted to this Passion.

I have read a Sermon of a Conventual in the Church of _Rome_, on those Words of the Wise Man, _I said of Laughter, it is mad; and of Mirth, what does it?_ Upon which he laid it down as a Point of Doctrine, that Laughter was the Effect of Original Sin, and that _Adam_ could not laugh before the Fall.

Laughter, while it lasts, slackens and unbraces the Mind, weakens the Faculties, and causes a kind of Remissness and Dissolution in all the Powers of the Soul: And thus far it may be looked upon as a Weakness in the Composition of Human Nature. But if we consider the frequent Reliefs we receive from it, and how often it breaks the Gloom which is apt to depress the Mind and damp our Spirits, with transient unexpected Gleams of Joy, one would take care not to grow too Wise for so great a Pleasure of Life.

The Talent of turning Men into Ridicule, and exposing to Laughter those one converses with, is the Qualification of little ungenerous Tempers. A young Man with this Cast of Mind cuts himself off from all manner of Improvement. Every one has his Flaws and Weaknesses; nay, the greatest Blemishes are often found in the most shining Characters; but what an absurd Thing is it to pass over all the valuable Parts of a Man, and fix our Attention on his Infirmities to observe his Imperfections more than his Virtues; and to make use of him for the Sport of others, rather than for our own Improvement?

We therefore very often find, that Persons the most accomplished in Ridicule are those who are very shrewd at hitting a Blot, without exerting any thing masterly in themselves. As there are many eminent Criticks who never writ a good Line, there are many admirable Buffoons that animadvert upon every single Defect in another, without ever discovering the least Beauty of their own. By this Means, these unlucky little Wits often gain Reputation in the Esteem of Vulgar Minds, and raise themselves above Persons of much more laudable Characters.

If the Talent of Ridicule were employed to laugh Men out of Vice and Folly, it might be of some Use to the World; but instead of this, we find that it is generally made use of to laugh Men out of Virtue and good Sense, by attacking every thing that is Solemn and Serious, Decent and Praiseworthy in Human Life.

We may observe, that in the First Ages of the World, when the great Souls and Master-pieces of Human Nature were produced, Men shined by a noble Simplicity of Behaviour, and were Strangers to those little Embellishments which are so fashionable in our present Conversation. And it is very remarkable, that notwithstanding we fall short at present of the Ancients in Poetry, Painting, Oratory, History, Architecture, and all the noble Arts and Sciences which depend more upon Genius than Experience, we exceed them as much in Doggerel, Humour, Burlesque, and all the trivial Arts of Ridicule. We meet with more Raillery among the Moderns, but more Good Sense among the Ancients.

The two great Branches of Ridicule in Writing are Comedy and Burlesque. The first ridicules Persons by drawing them in their proper Characters, the other by drawing them quite unlike themselves. Burlesque is therefore of two kinds; the first represents mean Persons in the Accoutrements of Heroes, the other describes great Persons acting and speaking like the basest among the People. _Don Quixote_ is an Instance of the first, and _Lucians_ Gods of the second. It is a Dispute among the Criticks, whether Burlesque Poetry runs best in Heroick Verse, like that of the _Dispensary;_ [2] or in Doggerel, like that of _Hudibras_. I think where the low Character is to be raised, the Heroick is the proper Measure; but when an Hero is to be pulled down and degraded, it is done best in Doggerel.

If _Hudibras_ had been set out with as much Wit and Humour in Heroick Verse as he is in Doggerel, he would have made a much more agreeable Figure than he does; though the generality of his Readers are so wonderfully pleased with the double Rhimes, that I do not expect many will be of my Opinion in this Particular.

I shall conclude this Essay upon Laughter with observing that the Metaphor of Laughing, applied to Fields and Meadows when they are in Flower, or to Trees when they are in Blossom, runs through all Languages; which I have not observed of any other Metaphor, excepting that of Fire and Burning when they are applied to Love. This shews that we naturally regard Laughter, as what is in it self both amiable and beautiful. For this Reason likewise _Venus_ has gained the Title of [Greek: Philomeídaes,] the Laughter-loving Dame, as _Waller_ has Translated it, and is represented by _Horace_ as the Goddess who delights in Laughter. _Milton_, in a joyous Assembly of imaginary Persons [3], has given us a very Poetical Figure of Laughter. His whole Band of Mirth is so finely described, that I shall [set [4]] down [the Passage] at length.

_But come thou Goddess fair and free,
In Heaven ycleped_ Euphrosyne,
_And by Men, heart-easing Mirth,
Whom lovely_ Venus _at a Birth,
With two Sister Graces more,
To Ivy-crowned_ Bacchus _bore:
Haste thee, Nymph, and bring with thee
Jest and youthful jollity,
Quips and Cranks, and wanton Wiles,
Nods, and Becks, and wreathed Smiles,
Such as hang on_ Hebes _Cheek,
And love to live in Dimple sleek:
Sport that wrinkled Care derides,_
And Laughter holding both his Sides.
_Come, and trip it, as you go,
On the light fantastick Toe:
And in thy right Hand lead with thee
The Mountain Nymph, sweet Liberty;
And if I give thee Honour due,
Mirth, admit me of thy Crew,
To live with her, and live with thee,
In unreproved Pleasures free_.

C.

[Footnote 1: Hobbes.]

[Footnote 2: Sir Samuel Garth, poet and physician, who was alive at this time (died in 1719), satirized a squabble among the doctors in his poem of _the Dispensary_.

The piercing Caustics ply their spiteful Powr;
Emetics ranch, and been Cathartics sour.
The deadly Drugs in double Doses fly;
And Pestles peal a martial Symphony_.]

[Footnote 3: L'Allegro.]

[Footnote 4: [set it]]

* * * * *

No. 250. Monday, December 17, 1711.

Disce docendus adhuc, quæ censet amiculus, ut si
Cæcus iter monstrare velit; tamen aspice si quid
Et nos, quod cures proprium fecisse, loquamur.

Hor.

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

You see the Nature of my Request by the _Latin_ Motto which I address
to you. I am very sensible I ought not to use many Words to you, who
are one of but few; but the following Piece, as it relates to
Speculation in Propriety of Speech, being a Curiosity in its Kind,
begs your Patience. It was found in a Poetical Virtuosos Closet among
his Rarities; and since the several Treatises of Thumbs, Ears, and
Noses, have obliged the World, this of Eyes is at your Service.

The first Eye of Consequence (under the invisible Author of all) is
the visible Luminary of the Universe. This glorious Spectator is said
never to open his Eyes at his Rising in a Morning, without having a
whole Kingdom of Adorers in _Persian_ Silk waiting at his Levée.
Millions of Creatures derive their Sight from this Original, who,
besides his being the great Director of Opticks, is the surest Test
whether Eyes be of the same Species with that of an Eagle, or that of
an Owl: The one he emboldens with a manly Assurance to look, speak,
act or plead before the Faces of a numerous Assembly; the other he
dazzles out of Countenance into a sheepish Dejectedness. The Sun-Proof
Eye dares lead up a Dance in a full Court; and without blinking at the
Lustre of Beauty, can distribute an Eye of proper Complaisance to a
Room crowded with Company, each of which deserves particular Regard;
while the other sneaks from Conversation, like a fearful Debtor, who
never dares [to] look out, but when he can see no body, and no body
him.

The next Instance of Opticks is the famous _Argus_, who (to speak in
the Language of _Cambridge_) was one of an Hundred; and being used as
a Spy in the Affairs of Jealousy, was obliged to have all his Eyes
about him. We have no Account of the particular Colours, Casts and
Turns of this Body of Eyes; but as he was Pimp for his Mistress
_Juno_, tis probable he used all the modern Leers, sly Glances, and
other ocular Activities to serve his Purpose. Some look upon him as
the then King at Arms to the Heathenish Deities; and make no more of
his Eyes than as so many Spangles of his Heralds Coat.

The next upon the Optick List is old _Janus_, who stood in a
double-sighted Capacity, like a Person placed betwixt two opposite
Looking-Glasses, and so took a sort of retrospective Cast at one View.
Copies of this double-faced Way are not yet out of Fashion with many
Professions, and the ingenious Artists pretend to keep up this Species
by double-headed Canes and Spoons [1]; but there is no Mark of this
Faculty, except in the emblematical Way of a wise General having an
Eye to both Front and Rear, or a pious Man taking a Review and
Prospect of his past and future State at the same Time.

I must own, that the Names, Colours, Qualities, and Turns of Eyes vary
almost in every Head; for, not to mention the common Appellations of
the Black, the Blue, the White, the Gray, and the like; the most
remarkable are those that borrow their Title[s] from Animals, by
Vertue of some particular Quality or Resemblance they bear to the Eyes
of the respective Creature[s]; as that of a greedy rapacious Aspect
takes its Name from the Cat, that of a sharp piercing Nature from the
Hawk, those of an amorous roguish Look derive their Title even from
the Sheep, and we say such a[n] one has a Sheep's Eye, not so much to
denote the Innocence as the simple Slyness of the Cast: Nor is this
metaphorical Inoculation a modern Invention, for we find _Homer_
taking the Freedom to place the Eye of an Ox, Bull, or Cow in one of
his principal Goddesses, by that frequent Expression of

[Greek: Boôpis pótnia haerae--][2]

Now as to the peculiar Qualities of the Eye, that fine Part of our
Constitution seems as much the Receptacle and Seat of our Passions,
Appetites and Inclinations as the Mind it self; and at least it is the
outward Portal to introduce them to the House within, or rather the
common Thorough-fare to let our Affections pass in and out. Love,
Anger, Pride, and Avarice, all visibly move in those little Orbs. I
know a young Lady that cant see a certain Gentleman pass by without
shewing a secret Desire of seeing him again by a Dance in her
Eye-balls; nay, she cant for the Heart of her help looking Half a
Streets Length after any Man in a gay Dress. You cant behold a
covetous Spirit walk by a Goldsmiths Shop without casting a wistful
Eye at the Heaps upon the Counter. Does not a haughty Person shew the
Temper of his Soul in the supercilious Rowl of his Eye? and how
frequently in the Height of Passion does that moving Picture in our
Head start and stare, gather a Redness and quick Flashes of Lightning,
and make all its Humours sparkle with Fire, as Virgil finely describes
it.

--Ardentis ab ore
Scintillæ absistunt: oculis micat acribus ignis. [3]

As for the various Turns of [the] Eye-sight, such as the voluntary or
involuntary, the half or the whole Leer, I shall not enter into a very
particular Account of them; but let me observe, that oblique Vision,
when natural, was anciently the Mark of Bewitchery and magical
Fascination, and to this Day tis a malignant ill Look; but when tis
forced and affected it carries a wanton Design, and in Play-houses,
and other publick Places, this ocular Intimation is often an
Assignation for bad Practices: But this Irregularity in Vision,
together with such Enormities as Tipping the Wink, the Circumspective
Rowl, the Side-peep through a thin Hood or Fan, must be put in the
Class of Heteropticks, as all wrong Notions of Religion are ranked
under the general Name of Heterodox. All the pernicious Applications
of Sight are more immediately under the Direction of a SPECTATOR; and
I hope you will arm your Readers against the Mischiefs which are daily
done by killing Eyes, in which you will highly oblige your wounded
unknown Friend,
T. B.

_Mr_. SPECTATOR,

You professed in several Papers your particular Endeavours in the
Province of SPECTATOR, to correct the Offences committed by Starers,
who disturb whole Assemblies without any Regard to Time, Place or
Modesty. You complained also, that a Starer is not usually a Person to
be convinced by Reason of the Thing, nor so easily rebuked, as to
amend by Admonitions. I thought therefore fit to acquaint you with a
convenient Mechanical Way, which may easily prevent or correct
Staring, by an Optical Contrivance of new Perspective-Glasses, short
and commodious like Opera Glasses, fit for short-sighted People as
well as others, these Glasses making the Objects appear, either as
they are seen by the naked Eye, or more distinct, though somewhat less
than Life, or bigger and nearer. A Person may, by the Help of this
Invention, take a View of another without the Impertinence of Staring;
at the same Time it shall not be possible to know whom or what he is
looking at. One may look towards his Right or Left Hand, when he is
supposed to look forwards: This is set forth at large in the printed
Proposals for the Sale of these Glasses, to be had at Mr. _Dillons_
in _Long-Acre_, next Door to the _White-Hart_. Now, Sir, as your
_Spectator_ has occasioned the Publishing of this Invention for the
Benefit of modest Spectators, the Inventor desires your Admonitions
concerning the decent Use of it; and hopes, by your Recommendation,
that for the future Beauty may be beheld without the Torture and
Confusion which it suffers from the Insolence of Starers. By this
means you will relieve the Innocent from an Insult which there is no
Law to punish, tho it is a greater Offence than many which are within
the Cognizance of Justice.

I am, SIR,

Your most humble Servant,

Abraham Spy.

Q.

[Footnote 1: Apostle spoons and others with fancy heads upon their handles.]

[Footnote 2: The ox-eyed, venerable Juno.]

[Footnote 3: Æn. 12, v. 101.]

* * * * *

No. 251. Tuesday, December 18, 1711. Addison.

--Lingua centum sunt, oraque centum.
Ferrea Vox.

Virg.

There is nothing which more astonishes a Foreigner, and frights a Country Squire, than the _Cries of London_. My good Friend Sir ROGER often declares, that he cannot get them out of his Head or go to Sleep for them, the first Week that he is in Town. On the contrary, WILL. HONEYCOMB calls them the _Ramage de la Ville_, and prefers them to the Sounds of Larks and Nightingales, with all the Musick of the Fields and Woods. I have lately received a Letter from some very odd Fellow upon this Subject, which I shall leave with my Reader, without saying any thing further of it.

SIR,

I am a Man of all Business, and would willingly turn my Head to any
thing for an honest Livelihood. I have invented several Projects for
raising many Millions of Money without burthening the Subject, but I
cannot get the Parliament to listen to me, who look upon me, forsooth,
as a Crack, and a Projector; so that despairing to enrich either my
self or my Country by this Publick-spiritedness, I would make some
Proposals to you relating to a Design which I have very much at Heart,
and which may procure me [a [1]] handsome Subsistence, if you will be
pleased to recommend it to the Cities of _London_ and _Westminster_.

The Post I would aim at, is to be Comptroller-General of the _London_
Cries, which are at present under no manner of Rules or Discipline. I
think I am pretty well qualified for this Place, as being a Man of
very strong Lungs, of great Insight into all the Branches of our
_British_ Trades and Manufactures, and of a competent Skill in Musick.

The Cries of _London_ may be divided into Vocal and Instrumental. As
for the latter they are at present under a very great Disorder. A
Freeman of _London_ has the Privilege of disturbing a whole Street for
an Hour together, with the Twanking of a Brass-Kettle or a Frying-Pan.
The Watchman's Thump at Midnight startles us in our Beds, as much as
the Breaking in of a Thief. The Sowgelder's Horn has indeed something
musical in it, but this is seldom heard within the Liberties. I would
therefore propose, that no Instrument of this Nature should be made
use of, which I have not tuned and licensed, after having carefully
examined in what manner it may affect the Ears of her Majesty's liege
Subjects.

Vocal Cries are of a much larger Extent, and indeed so full of
Incongruities and Barbarisms, that we appear a distracted City to
Foreigners, who do not comprehend the Meaning of such enormous
Outcries. Milk is generally sold in a note above _Ela_, and in Sounds
so [exceeding [2]] shrill, that it often sets our Teeth [on [3]] Edge.
The Chimney-sweeper is [confined [4]] to no certain Pitch; he
sometimes utters himself in the deepest Base, and sometimes in the
sharpest Treble; sometimes in the highest, and sometimes in the lowest
Note of the Gamut. The same Observation might be made on the Retailers
of Small-coal, not to mention broken Glasses or Brick-dust. In these
therefore, and the like Cases, it should be my Care to sweeten and
mellow the Voices of these itinerant Tradesmen, before they make their
Appearance in our Streets; as also to accommodate their Cries to their
respective Wares; and to take care in particular, that those may not
make the most Noise who have the least to sell, which is very
observable in the Venders of Card-matches, to whom I cannot but apply
that old Proverb of _Much Cry but little Wool_.

Some of these last mentioned Musicians are so very loud in the Sale
of these trifling Manufactures, that an honest Splenetick Gentleman of
my Acquaintance bargained with one of them never to come into the
Street where he lived: But what was the Effect of this Contract? Why,
the whole Tribe of Card-match-makers which frequent that Quarter,
passed by his Door the very next Day, in hopes of being bought off
after the same manner.

It is another great Imperfection in our _London_ Cries, that there is
no just Time nor Measure observed in them. Our News should indeed be
published in a very quick Time, because it is a Commodity that will
not keep cold. It should not, however, be cried with the same
Precipitation as Fire: Yet this is generally the Case. A Bloody Battle
alarms the Town from one End to another in an Instant. Every Motion of
the _French_ is Published in so great a Hurry, that one would think
the Enemy were at our Gates. This likewise I would take upon me to
regulate in such a manner, that there should be some Distinction made
between the spreading of a Victory, a March, or an Incampment, a
_Dutch_, a _Portugal_ or a _Spanish_ Mail. Nor must I omit under this
Head, those excessive Alarms with which several boisterous Rusticks
infest our Streets in Turnip Season; and which are more inexcusable,
because these are Wares which are in no Danger of Cooling upon their
Hands.