Chapter XII (7)

MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN――

“The session now terminated, although not productive of any
very striking measures, save that of creating me an Empress,
has, nevertheless, proved highly advantageous to the
country. My Government has been much occupied with undoing
those acts of their predecessors which were considered as
essentially beneficial to my subjects. I trust that these
efforts will tend, under Providence, to the maintenance of
the Tories in office, and to my own and my children’s
benefit.

We must all deeply regret that civil war has broken out in
the empire of my old and attached ally, the Turk. It appears
he has been compelled to bayonet a number of babies, violate
numerous maidens, and outrage a multitude of married women.
But as my Prime Minister assures me these are the ordinary
occurrences of civil warfare, we need trouble ourselves no
further on the subject.

My trusty cousin the Duke of Cambridge having, through
instituting the late military manœuvres for the mobilization
of my army, revealed to the nation his own utter imbecility
and that of the department over which he presides, I have
thought fit to recognise such distinguished services by
bestowing on him the colonelcy of the 17th Lancers, worth
£1,300 per annum.

As the march of my third son, the Duke of Connaught, from
Liverpool to Edinburgh, is universally recognised as one of
the greatest military achievements of the age, and
surrounded with danger, the Lord Archbishop of Canterbury
will prepare a special form of thanksgiving to Providence
for the happy issue of this stupendous exploit.

The navy is conspicuous, as heretofore, for its thorough
efficiency. My relative, the Prince of Leiningen, has not
yet had an opportunity of distinguishing himself on the
Solent, but, doubtless, before the season closes, he will
again display that nautical skill for which he has rendered
himself so famous. My second son Alfred, has been appointed
to the Sultan, which ship has hitherto been quietly at
anchor in Besika Bay. Should the opportunity present itself,
I feel assured that he will duly qualify himself for the
post of Lord High Admiral by running the Sultan ashore,[350]
sinking a consort, or some equally meritorious service. My
First Lord of the Admiralty has, however, fully maintained
the great credit he obtained for his management of the navy,
through the destruction of the Vanguard and the Mistletoe,
by the recent explosion on board the Thunderer, and the
slaughter of forty men; thus, at one and the same time,
giving an impetus to the engineering and undertaking trades,
and proving, beyond question, the perfect ability of my
navy――to destroy itself.

The financial condition of the country is, I rejoice to
state, in most respects satisfactory. You have managed to
increase the national income by imposing two millions of
taxation on my subjects, doubtless a very proper proceeding;
but, at the same time, I must remind you that mine has not
been increased. I am, moreover, gratified in being able to
announce that owing to Sir Bartle Frere’s economical
management of the grant allowed to my eldest son for the
purposes of his religious mission to India, a threepenny-piece
out of the sum will be returned to the Treasury. Many
distinguished foreigners have come to England of late, and
after having been entertained at their own expense, and
visited the Mausoleum, doubtless left the country duly
impressed with the magnificent hospitality of its Court.

My lords and gentlemen, in dismissing you to the pleasures
of grouse shooting, after a laborious session, which, in the
course of five months has managed to undo much of the good
that it took years to effect, I trust that Providence will
further your future efforts in the same praiseworthy
direction.”

From _Reynolds’ Newspaper_. August, 1876.

――――

In 1884, _Truth_ offered a prize for the nearest forecast of the speech to be delivered on the opening of Parliament, and many replies were published, amongst which the following was, perhaps, the most amusing, although not written in accordance with the regulations of the competition:――

[Enter Councillors, thirsting for information as to the
future programme of the Powers-that-be.]

_My Lords, and Gentlemen of the House of Commons_,

I have purposely summoned you late
Till I’d settled some matters of weight,
Now, I’ve called you together
To talk of the weather
And other great matters of State.

I’m pacific, as all must confess,
On the blessings of peace I lay stress,
I’m on friendly relations
With all other nations,
(_Sotto voce_) What matters a war more or less?

_Gentlemen of the House of Commons_,

There’re a few “little Bills” to be met――
Their nature just now I forget――
On the eve of Vacation
They’ll make a sensation,
You’ll hardly hear much of them yet.

_My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons_,

Notwithstanding “hard times” I am told
“Penny buns” still for pennies are sold.
Thus food is abundant,
And copper’s redundant,
And “coppers,” if saved, become gold.

I feel a remark should be made
On the singular absence of shade,
For the “glass” at “set fine”
Is an excellent sign
Of a rapid revival in trade.

Your labours are heavy and pressing,
I trust you won’t find them distressing,
Avoid long debates,
Pass what William dictates,
And accept, please――per proxy――my blessing.

[Exeunt Councillors of the Lower House, grateful for
the information thus generously bestowed.]

WEAR-GIFFORD.

_Truth_, February 7, 1884.

Several parodies of King’s and Queen’s speeches will also be found in _The Court of Session Garland_. London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. These relate principally to Scotch affairs.

――――

A QUEEN’S SPEECH FROM THE PALACE OF TRUTH.

_My Lords and Gentlemen_:――

I’m glad, in meeting you to-day,
To tell you things are going on in much the usual way,
Thanks to my Ministers’ old plan of toadying Powers they fear,
And sitting humbly down beneath snubs open and severe;
Thanks, also, to the patent fact that ’tis Prince Bismarck’s will
This country with all neighbouring lands at peace continues still;
Though ’tis but right this further fact I should to you confide,
We may be any day at war, should Bismarck so decide.

In Burma, since I met you last, more natives have been slain,
And rebel tribes, four times subdued, have been subdued again;
In India, ’spite the silly things by my advisers done,
A Chinese War, most strange to say, has _not_ yet been begun;
Nor have the many efforts made the Llamas to excite
Availed to make the Thibetans once more my soldiers fight;
Whilst recent news from Suakin enable me to say
That Osman Digna will not need re-killing till next May.

As to the various Colonies which form our Empire great,
They still remain beneath my sway, most curious to relate;
For though my Ministers with much post-prandial declamation
Are very prone to talk about “Imperial Federation,”
They have not lost a chance of late to snub, insult, and slight
Those Colonies which they declare they’re anxious to unite.
So far, however, I repeat, their efforts have proved vain,――
An undivided Empire still is that o’er which I reign.
Even in Ireland, tyranny too terrible to tell
Has failed to goad my subjects ’gainst their tyrants to rebel;
And, though their trusted leaders have been sent by scores to prison,
Such is their loyalty and sense, the Irish have not risen.

_Gentlemen of the Commons_:――

You, without surprise, will note
That certain Estimates you will be duly asked to vote.
From saying, though, that they’ve been framed with a sincere regard
For thrift and for economy, I am, perforce, debarred;
For it is certain they’ve been framed upon a lavish scale,
That Tory candidates may still at Dockyard towns prevail;
That Ministers may, in effect, still foster with a bribe
Their infamous alliance with St. Jingo’s yelling tribe;
And that, in short, they may thereby their spell of power prolong,
And with Corruption’s aid eke out their wretched reign of wrong.

_My Lords and Gentlemen_:――

You may be called on to debate
Many important Bills of which the names I cannot state;
Since, owing to the absence of Lord Hartington from town,
It would, of course, be premature to put their titles down.
They must, of course, though, just to help the Marquis play his part,
_Pretend_ that they the people’s good have very much at heart,
And so they _may_, with his assent, prepare a Bill or two,
Which they, however, will take care that neither House pass through.

Go then, My Lords and Gentlemen, go, and remember, pray,
That the chief end and aim why you are summoned here to-day
Is that you may vote fresh “Supplies,” by which, if well expended,
My Ministers’ sweet spell of power may further be extended,
And thus put off, for one more year, that reckoning with the nation,
Which Tories and D.L.’s await with such grim trepidation.

_Truth._ February 21, 1889.

――――

An answer to the Proclamation calling out the Reserve Forces was

PUNCH’S PROCLAMATION.

PUNCHIUS, R.

Whereas, by the Reserve (Moral) Force Acts of no particular date, but of general recognition and universal application, it is, amongst other things, provided that, in case of imminent national danger and emergency, the Reserve Forces of Prudence, Patience, Patriotism, Justice, Magnanimity, Wise Forethought, and Rational Self-Restraint, ordinarily latent in the breasts of the sober, sagacious, and, for the most part, silent portion of the community, may authoritatively be called out on active public service.

And whereas the present state of public affairs and public opinion, and the necessity in connection therewith of taking steps for the maintenance of peace, and for the protection of real interests, honour, and fair fame of the Empire, and, especially, of checking the insurgent forces of Pride, Passion, Prejudice, and spurious (if well-intended) Patriotism, now and for some time past deplorably and mischievously rampant, in our opinion, constitute a case of great emergency within the meaning of the said Acts:

Now, therefore, We do, in pursuance of the said Acts and of our earnest endeavour for the furtherance of the Public Weal, hereby direct that forthwith all classes of the Reserve Forces above specified be called out on permanent service, and shall henceforth proceed to and attend in their places (in Parliament or otherwise), and at such time or times as may be needful, to serve as part of Our Army of Moral Militancy until their services are no longer required.

Given at our Court in Fleet-street this tenth day of April, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and seventy-eight, and the thirty seventh of our reign.

Vivat Punchius!

_Punch_, April 1878.

――――

“ADS.” OF THE FUTURE.

O BE LET for Public Meetings, Regimental Dinners, Balls, Fancy Fairs, and other purposes for which a large and handsome room is desirable, all that eligible and highly decorated Apartment commonly known as the “Gilded Chamber,” with a quantity of carved Benches, covered with scarlet morocco leather, which could easily be adapted for use as rout seats. Also a commodious Anteroom, suitable for a cloak-room or refreshment buffet, hitherto used as “The Peers’ Robing Room.” For terms, apply to Lord Redesdale, on the premises.

O SPEAKERS OF LOCAL PARLIAMENTS, COLLECTORS OF HISTORICAL RELICS, ANTIQUARIANS, &c.――To be Sold by Private Contract, “The Woolsack,” occupied up to the date of the Disestablishment of the House of Lords by the Lord Chancellor. This interesting Constitutional object is in excellent repair, and will be sold with a warranty of its genuineness. It is stuffed with the finest white wool, and covered with crimson repp of the best quality, and being positively unique, is well worthy the attention of purchasers.

R. and MRS. SOLOMON HARTT having been favoured with the patronage of a large number of the most distinguished members of the late House of Lords, beg to inform the public that they have on hand for immediate disposal a large assortment of A1 State Robes, trimmed with ermine, including many quite equal to new. Also a large selection of silver-gilt, electro-plate, and nickel silver Coronets, ducal, early, baronial, &c., &c. Mr. and Mrs. S. H. invite special attention to this unprecedented opportunity for obtaining the above articles at the most moderate figures. Robes altered to fit intending purchasers, without extra charge. N.B.――Several of the Coronets have never been worn in public. An early inspection is solicited, as Mr. and Mrs. S. H. have received an order from the King of Bungoo-Wungoo for a set of uniforms for his newly-formed body-guard.

ESSRS. KNOCKIT and SELLEM beg to announce that their next Tuesday’s Sale will include two Swords of State, seven State Cocked Hats, four ditto Crimson Robes, one Silver Mace, one Black Rod (tipped with silver), one carved Oak Throne, twenty-seven Suits of Official Livery, various, and numerous other miscellaneous articles, formerly the property of the House of Lords, which have been consigned for Unreserved Sale. Catalogues on application.

_Funny Folks_, August 2, 1884.

――――:o:――――

Lord Carnarvon had an interview with Mr. Parnell in Dublin, when they discussed the question of Home Rule for Ireland. The Conservative press denied that the interview had any serious political meaning, or that Lord Carnarvon had any authority to treat with Mr. Parnell, for his parliamentary support.

LIMITED LIABILITY.

A DIALOGUE.

SCENE.――Library in Lord Carnarvon’s house. Lord
Carnarvon and Mr. Parnell “discovered.”

Lord C――――: Delighted to see you Mr. Parnell. Lucky chance your
happening to call on me! Quite an accident, of course?

Mr. P――――, coldly: Lucky chance my having heard from your friend
that your lordship wished to see me. Quite an accident, of course.

Lord C――――, gloomily: Quite, quite; (brightening up) Mr. P――――, we
meet of course only to exchange the most casual and superficial
ideas――merely as private gentlemen, and not representing anybody or
anything?

Mr. P――――: Quite so. Exactly.

Lord C――――: But there is one thing that I may say officially and
with authority. In my capacity as Viceroy of Ireland, and speaking
with the sanction of the whole Cabinet on this particular subject, a
subject on which I may say we are absolutely unanimous, I have to
state that I do think the weather so far is disappointing and
disagreeable.

Mr. P――――, solemnly: Lord C――――, I have no hesitation in saying, not
only on my own behalf, but on that of the whole Irish Parliamentary
party, and of the Irish people as well, that we, too, find the
weather disappointing and disagreeable.

Lord C――――: That’s all right. But now, Mr. P――――, coming to
unimportant matters, and speaking together as men absolutely free
from any manner of responsibility, and, indeed, having no particular
motive of any kind but that of whiling away a few minutes in
pleasant gossip, do you think it would be a good thing if we――the
Conservatives――were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland?

Mr. P――――: Lord C――――, I am now speaking entirely as a private, and
I may say an isolated individual, having no knowledge of the views
of any of my colleagues, and, indeed, assuming that they would be
rather opposed to me than not in most things, and thus free from all
responsibility, I venture to say that I, for myself, should not be
displeased if you were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland.

Lord C――――: Thanks; then again I should like to ask you, merely to
gratify the idlest personal curiosity, and not having consulted or
intending ever to consult any human being on the subject, whether
you think that if I were to promise――just for the fun of the thing
you know――to get such a measure introduced, you could promise――also
of course for the mere fun of the thing――to give us your support at
the coming elections?

Mr. P――――: Well, of course, regarding the whole thing as a mere
light-hearted piece of pleasantry, between two men notorious for
their vivacity and levity, and neither of whom could be supposed to
have any serious purpose of any kind, I may say perhaps that in such
a case I could promise, just for the fun of the thing――as you
happily put it――I could promise you some support at the coming
elections.

Lord C――――: Thanks very much. Now coming to serious subjects.――May I
ask you Mr. P―――― whether you, speaking officially as leader of the
Irish people, are prepared to agree in an opinion which I have the
authority of the whole Cabinet for expressing, that the present
season in London is likely to be short and unsatisfactory?

Mr. P――――: On such a question as this I speak with a profound sense
of responsibility; but I have no hesitation in saying, as leader of
the Irish Parliamentary party, on behalf of that party and of the
whole people of Ireland, and likewise on behalf of the Irish
Populations of America, Australia, Brazil, and Patagonia, that
Ireland’s conviction is that the present season in London will be
short and unsatisfactory.

They shake hands solemnly and part.

_The Daily News_, June 19, 1888.

――――

POLITICAL MANIFESTOES.

_Mr. Chamberlain’s Address._

Gentlemen.――The new Parliament is about to be dissolved under
circumstances unparalleled in the history of this country. I am
alive, and not one of the bosses of the show. At the 1885 election,
Mr. Gladstone, extending his usual method, indicated four subjects
of primary importance. Need I add that one of these, _the_ one, was
myself? Under these circumstances, it does not appear to have
entered into the mind of any Liberal candidate that within a few
weeks he would be invited to consider a vast revolution in the
relations between me and the G. O. M.

The 1885 election was fought on the programme formulated by Mr.
Gladstone, subject to my approval, and on collateral issues of
purely domestic interest. Now, as I am only capable of understanding
domestic and vestry matters, it will be readily understood that I
disapprove of any dealing with large and statesmanlike questions
beyond my comprehension. What the Liberal party in last November
solemnly and seriously declared to be unsafe, the Prime Minister,
egged on I do not doubt by that accursed Morley, has now
deliberately undertaken. The authority of the Prime Minister has
been sufficient to work this startling transformation, and mine,
alas! insufficient to prevent it. The Irish Government Bill (_i.e._,
Mr. Gladstone) would repeal the act of union between me and the
G.O.M. It would also set up a rival Parliament in Dublin; and――you
may believe one who has suffered much from a rival politician in
London――this will be most unpleasant.

To desert me for Morley――me, whose only crime in the G.O.M.’s eyes
is the peddling and board-of-guardians’ spirit in which I approach
all questions――is an act of ingratitude and cowardice unworthy only
of the Caucus.

So anxious am I, not particularly to stop Home Rule, but most
particularly to teach the G.O.M. a severe lesson for preferring
Morley to me, that I say nothing for the moment even against those
landlords, my customary mark, who hold their land by exactly the
same means and right as I hold my capital. Nor am I, under the
circumstances, disinclined to coercion.

No one has recognised more strongly than myself the claims of party
and the duty incumbent on all to sacrifice individual preferences to
the necessity of united action, when it suits them. But I am so real
riled at the way the G.O.M. and Morley have treated me that, in
spite of all my ill-temper and mischief-making, I hope to retain the
support, though I have lost the confidence, of those whose interests
I have loyally endeavoured to serve, as long as they did not
conflict with my own, and in whose midst my life as a capitalist has
been spent, and my work of screw and caucus-making accomplished.

(Signed) J. CHAMBERLAIN.

The other manifestoes were less amusing, they parodied Sir Charles Dilke, Lord Randolph Churchill, and Mr. Gladstone.

_The Topical Times_, June 26, 1886.

――――:o:――――

SAUNDERSON AND WARING.

“When Gladstone gets his Home Rule Bill,”
Says Saunderson to Waring,
“Then you and I and Ballykill
Will show our martial daring;
Without delay, the very day
That down such gage he pitches,
We’ll fill our flasks from jars and casks,
And march to line the ditches.

With skill and might, and valor bright,
We’ll set the world a-staring.”
“We surely will,” says Ballykill;
“Of course we will,” says Waring.

“If in the fields the rebel rout
Will not confront our Lodges,
In street and lane we’ll find them out
Despite their craven dodges;
We’ll pot the rascals at their doors,
We’ll club the babes and spouses,
We’ll sack their shops, and wreck their stores,
And loot their public-houses.

And then ’twill be a joy to see
Our boys the plunder sharing――
The victor’s toil deserve the spoil.”
“Of course it does,” says Waring.

“If met by forces of the Crown
’Neath flags and banners royal,
We’ll simply shoot the traitors down
For conduct so disloyal;
We’ll feel a pang at every bang,
We’ll weep with every volley;
But theirs the blame, the sin, the shame,
The treason and the folly.

In smiting wrong we must be strong,
Unpitying and unsparing;”
“’Tis Heaven’s will,” says Ballykill.
“The will of heaven,” says Waring.

“Great chiefs will come from distant parts,
And foreign institutions,
To study all our Orange arts
And Purple evolutions;
And when our glorious fight is won,
They’ll all go home declaring
Earth holds no match for Saunderson,
And scarcely one for Waring!”

“They surely will,” says Ballykill,
“There’s no one worth comparing
With our great gun, brave Saunderson.”
“Well, hardly one,” says Waring.

T. D. Sullivan, M.P. in _The Nation_, August, 1889.

Colonel Saunderson, M.P., had asserted at a public meeting that, if Parliament should grant Home Rule to Ireland, 50,000 men of Ulster would immediately rise in rebellion against it, and fight to the last ditch. He did not, however, attempt to justify this statement when called upon to do so in the House of Commons.

――――:o:――――

For many years past Mr. Gladstone has been the “leading article” in the stock-in-trade of Caricaturists and Parodists. His personal appearance, his collars, his umbrella, his hobby for felling trees, his great learning, his immense vitality, and his mode of speaking, have all furnished topics for satires and lampoons.

It would be impossible to refer to anything like a proportion of these, but the following may be mentioned as typical examples.

_The Morning Post_ (London), September 24, 1884, contained an unreported Midlothian Speech on _Free Trade_, supposed to have been delivered by Mr. Gladstone, but really written by Mr. Edward Sullivan.

_The St. Stephen’s Review_ (London), October 29, 1887, contained a prospectus, of which the following is a brief abstract:――

THE HAWARDEN ESTATE BLOCK WOOD COMPANY, LIMITED.

_Incorporated under the Companies Acts, 1862 to 1883, whereby the
liability of the Shareholders is limited to the amount of their
Shares._

CAPITAL £100,000, IN 100,000 SHARES OF £1 EACH.

Payable――5s. per share on Application, 5s. per share on Allotment,
and the remainder One Month after Allotment

DIRECTORS.

The EARL OF ROSEBERY, The Durdans, Epsom.
LORD WOLVERTON, 7, Stratton Street, Piccadilly, W.
HERBERT GLADSTONE, Esq., M.P., Hawarden Castle.
The Rev. H. DREW, The Rectory, Hawarden.
*The Right Hon. W. E. GLADSTONE, Hawarden Castle (Chairman).
* Will join the Board after allotment.

Secretary――H. DRAKE DIGBY, Esq., National Liberal Club.
Temporary Offices――23, ALBEMARLE STREET, W.

ABRIDGED PROSPECTUS.

During the past twenty years, and indeed ever since it became
generally known that Mr. Gladstone was in the habit of wielding an
axe, a steady flow of letters has ceaselessly poured into Hawarden
Castle from all parts of the world, asking for chips and blocks of
wood cut from the timber felled by the right honourable gentleman.

At first these demands were complied with so far as it was possible
to do so, but as the Irish Question surged to the front, and Mr.
Gladstone’s popularity with the civilised world increased, it became
hopeless to deal with the applications, which have accumulated to
such an extent that the paper on which the applications are written
has been weighed out of curiosity, and is found to weigh 4 tons 17
cwt. 3 qrs. 17 lbs.

Some fortnight or so ago Mr. Gladstone announced through the press
that in future, blocks from timber cut down by his hand would only
be supplied on receipt of a postal order for three shillings.

He did this in the hope that it would deter his numerous
correspondents, instead of which they have increased twenty-fold.
Under the circumstances, it occurred to Mr. Gladstone that by the
erection of large and commodious saw mills the demand might be dealt
with and a lucrative industry started without any very large outlay.

Mr. Gladstone, whose great name is the sole origin of the business,
and who is henceforward, called the vendor, can cut down three
medium-sized trees per diem. These trees will yield an average of
7,000 blocks, which, sold at 3s., means a daily sale of

£ 1,050
300 working days
――――――――
£315,000
Deduct cost of 900 trees, say £10 9,000
――――――――
£306,000
Erection of saw mills and 12
months’ labour of 100 men
at 25s. per week 10,000
――――――――
£296,000 Profit on first
year’s operations.

It is perfectly obvious that the public demand is so great that the
entire estate can be disafforested at an enormous profit, the price
of three shillings per cubic foot block being as nearly as possible
30 times the normal value of the timber.

As the only drawback to the success of the undertaking is the
illness, or, it may be, possible demise of the vendor, his life will
be insured as a first preliminary for £100,000, being the entire
capital of the company.

It is not anticipated that it will be necessary to call up more than
the allotment money, as it is calculated when the premium has been
paid on the vendor’s life, and the stipulated price for the goodwill
(£25,000) has been handed over to the vendor, there will still
remain sufficient in hand to erect the necessary saw mills and
machinery.

The following contract has been entered into: An agreement dated the
23rd day of October, 1887, and made between William Ewart Gladstone
of the one part, and Archibald Philip Primrose, Earl of Rosebery, on
behalf of the company, of the other part.

Copies of the agreement of purchase, valuers’ certificates, and
memorandum and articles of association may be inspected at the
offices of the company, or of the bankers.

――――

Scarcely a week passes but what Mr. Gladstone appears as the central figure in _Judy’s_ political cartoon; _Judy_ has also published (separately) some burlesque Company prospectuses, one in 1885 was entitled “W. E. GLADSTONE & Co., Limited,” with a capital of One Million in £10 Shares. The proposed Directorate included the following names: The Rt. Hon. W. E. G. _Chairman_. Mr. H. Childish. Sir Veneer Half-caste. The Earl Gumboil. The Earl Drowsy. Marquis of Heart-in-Mouth. Joseph Chimneypot, Esq. (of the Birmingham Affidavit Manufacturing Company), and Sir. C. Bilke.

A long list was given of the objects to be achieved by the Company, all of which were represented as being nefarious and unpatriotic, such being the usual and natural assertion of each political party with regard to the actions of the other.

Another publication issued from the _Judy_ office, dated November 1, 1885, and sold for threepence, was a legal looking paper, endorsed _The Last Will and Testament of William Ewart Gladstone_. This was not a very witty production, the most notable clauses it contains are those in which Mr. Gladstone appoints Joseph Chamberlain and Bottomley Firth as his executors; the bequest to Lord Randolph Churchill “of twelve pence sterling to the end he may therewith buy a rope of hemp and go hang himself;” to the Sublime Porte of “a complete file of Newspapers containing all my speeches on the Bulgarian Atrocities;” and to Sir Charles Dilke “my Law treatise containing chapters on Decrees Nisi.”

There are three Codicils to this will, all in very involved and complicated language, and each one contradictory to the others. This production had a large sale.

――――:o:――――

In October, 1879, _The Examiner_ published an amusing series of imaginary letters supposed to pass between the leaders of both the great political parties, and their followers. The following three are selected as examples:――

LORD SALISBURY TO LORD BEACONSFIELD.

Dieppe, Oct. 10.

MY DEAR BEACONSFIELD,――I saw Waddington two days ago. His
bewilderment when I frankly told him that we had no Greek
policy would have been amusing, had it not led to a long and
troublesome remonstrance from him. It appears that he
thought we were in earnest at Berlin. Of course I hastened
to undeceive him, and to point out that our only object at
the Congress was to quiet the people at home, and arrange
with the Russians abroad. However, I satisfied him at last
by telling him he may do as he pleases in Egypt.

By the way, I shall be speaking in a few days; I suppose you
have nothing to suggest. Grant Duff must be smashed, and we
must take what credit we can get out of Afghanistan. But as
Hartington is still, and Gladstone keeps out of the way, I
am afraid I shall have to tilt against egg-shells――for
Harcourt is nobody.――Yours ever,

SALISBURY.

Have you heard of Derby’s latest move?

LORD BEACONSFIELD TO LORD SALISBURY.

Hughenden Manor, Oct. 13.

MY DEAR SALISBURY,――Waddington does not quite know us yet,
or he would not have been surprised. If he is satisfied,
however, with our Egyptian plans, we will not trouble any
longer about him.

Your speech should be of great service. Harcourt may, as you
say, be dismissed very shortly――the impulsive imagination of
his immature intellect needs little comment from you.
Hartington is in a difficulty. The Home Rulers, on one hand,
and the Disestablishment section on the other, are too many
for him. Can you not hint at the various nature of the
forces he leads――aëronauts, somnambulists, monomaniacs,
misanthropes, and nomads? As for Gladstone, it seems to me
that he might be ferreted out. The perennial perplexities of
a pedagogic mind have driven him once more to silence.
Before he can present himself in Midlothian, he must decide
upon which conviction he will follow. A word to that effect
from you might reach him.

As for your audience, we trust to the generous judgment of a
judicial race. Leave the policy in that fashion. It will
flatter them.――Believe me, ever yours,

BEACONSFIELD.

SIR STAFFORD NORTHCOTE TO LORD BEACONSFIELD.

Dublin, Oct. 12.

MY DEAR LORD BEACONSFIELD,――I trust you will have seen that
I implicitly followed your instructions. I have spoken for
hours, and said absolutely nothing; received scores of
persons, and let them talk, too, without expressing the
slightest opinion; and the result is that I am most popular.
Their idea seemed to be that I was preparing some scheme for
the relief of distress, and as they were pleased with that
notion, I was of course careful not to destroy it. On the
whole, I have neither compromised the Government nor myself,
which is saying something.――Ever yours,

S. NORTHCOTE.

This last letter refers to Irish affairs, which have given rise to many political skits; one of the most important of these was a pamphlet, published in 1886, by Reeves and Turner, entitled “_Opening and Proceedings of the Irish Parliament_. Two Visions.” The author, Mr. G. H. Moore, thus describes the plan of his little work:――“In the following pages you are presented with two forecasts of the proceedings of the proposed Irish Parliament, taken from different standpoints. They are intended to illustrate the conflicting opinions entertained of the future, should Mr. Gladstone’s Irish Bills pass into law.

The exaggerated fears and gloomy mistrust of the opponents of the measures are ludicrously drawn in one picture; and in the other, the serious hopes and the brighter anticipations of the promoters and supporters of the measures are assumed to have been realised.”

Articles based on the same idea, appeared in the _Topical Times_ in July 1886, entitled “The Dublin Parliament. A Forecast,” describing the scenes of joy and enthusiasm in the Irish capital on the first assembling of a National Parliament.

――――

THE OMNIBUS.

It is just sixty years ago since this convenient vehicle was introduced into our streets by Mr. J. Shillibeer. The first Omnibus ran from the Yorkshire Stingo in the New Road, to the Bank of England, and the fare was one shilling. The speculation succeeded at once, and the omnibus traffic in London has been rapidly increasing ever since. The following parody on Barry Cornwall’s _The Sea! The Sea!_ is taken from Mr. Hindley’s reprint of Egan’s “Life in London.”

The ’Buss! the ’Buss! the Omnibus!
That welcomes all without a fuss;
And wafts us on with joyous sound,
Through crowded streets on our busy round;
Reckless of cold and gloomy skies,
Or the driving storm as it downward flies:
Stow’d snug in thee! stow’d snug in thee!
I am where I would wish to be.
While the rain above and the mud below
Affect me not where’er I go――
Though the sleet and the slush be ankle deep,
What matters while I can ride so cheap?
What matters? etc.

I love, oh how I love to ride,
In cosy converse side by side,
With some sweet sly enchanting one,
Who lets her little ’larum run
Till scarcely can the listener know
If that or time more swiftly go!
Henceforth I know the terrible bore
Of “padding the hoof” no more, no more;
But back to this seat I so oft have press’d
I’ll spring to be wafted the while I rest:
For thou, dear ’Buss! art a home to me,
While I am snugly seated in thee,
While I am, etc.

The original of this song, with other parodies on it, will be found on p. 204, Vol. 4 of this collection.

――――:o:――――

On page 106 a splendid parody was given of “The House that Jack Built,” entitled _The Domicile Erected by John_. A correspondent pointed out that this was written by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard, and on consulting his famous Drury-Lane Annuals, it was discovered as a preface to the Pantomime for 1861-62, styled “Harlequin and the House that Jack built.” Mr. Blanchard’s poem is not quite so long as the version given in _Parodies_, some ingenious person having undertaken to add to, and improve upon Mr. Blanchard’s work.

LITERARY FORGERIES AND IMPOSTURES.

Although literary forgeries have undoubtedly some relationship with Parodies, it is of so distant a nature that, even were space available, they could not be dealt with at any length in this Collection. A brief summary of the principal Impostures must therefore suffice, those who wish to learn the details are referred to an interesting little work, entitled _Famous Literary Impostures_, by H. R. Montgomery. London. E. W. Allen. No date.

(_Why do Publishers omit dates?_)

Mr. Montgomery’s chapters deal with Thomas Chatterton and the Rowley poems; James Macpherson’s Poems of Ossian; Samuel W. H. Ireland’s Vortigern, and other Shakespearian Forgeries; George Psalmanazar and the Formosa Imposture; and the Bentley and Boyle controversy as to the Epistles of Phalaris.

Of course had Mr. Montgomery chosen to enlarge his work, he might have made some amusing chapters out of William Lander’s attempt to prove Milton a plagiarist and an impostor; of the Squire letters which deceived Thomas Carlyle; the Shapira M.S.S. which deceived some clever Egyptologists and Antiquarians; the Vrain-Lucas letters which deceived M. Michel Chasles, an eminent French Mathematician; the Shelley forgeries which deceived Robert Browning; and the Donnelly cryptogram which has deceived no one having any knowledge of the life and works of Shakespeare.

In Isaac D’Israeli’s _Curiosities of Literature_ there is a short chapter on this topic, principally devoted to instances amongst ancient and foreign writers, with a few remarks about Psalmanazar and William Lander.

There is also some information to be found in a chapter, called “Supposition d’Auteurs,” in _Curiosités Littéraires_, par Ludovic Lalanne. Paris, Adolphe Delahays, 1857. This also deals principally with the works of foreign literary Impostors. But by far the most important and most reliable work on the subject is that written by the late M. Octave Delepierre, entitled “_Supercheries Littéraires_, Pastiches, Suppositions d’Auteur, dans les lettres et dans les Arts.” London, N. Trubner & Co. 1872. Only 200 copies of this valuable work were issued, it is consequently very difficult to procure. Most literary frauds have been exposed, and not a few of the forgers have been punished. Chatterton and Shapira committed suicide, and Vrain-Lucas was sent to prison for two years, and fined 500 francs.

A writer in the _Daily News_ (July 17, 1886) observed: “The motives of the Literary Forger seem obscure to plain people. He has nothing to gain by it all, they say; he does not make money, like the forger of a cheque; he can seldom sell his forgery to advantage, as the latest biblical forger, Shapira, of the sham manuscript gospel, discovered. He merely poisons the very wells of history and throws doubt on all original “sources.” People who reason thus forget that every artist takes joy in his art, and that all art is imitation. The art of the forger is to imitate ancient manuscripts and inscriptions. _L’Art pour l’art_ is his motto. He revels in his own cleverness and power of deceiving others. This is his reward. Thus a famous French archæologist, now dead, took in his own father with some sham Greek inscriptions. Thus William Ireland went on writing Shakespearian autographs, and even Shakespearian manuscript plays, chiefly to satisfy the most tricky sense of humour, and delight in the absurdities of learned men. Probably enough Joe Smith began his Mormon Bible with no serious thought of founding a religion, but merely, as other literary forgers used, for the fun of the thing. Sooner or later these things are found out. They amuse the learned, and no great harm is done. But perhaps the jester Rabelais did not see the jest when he was beguiled into publishing, with grave and learned notes, a classical manuscript which was really the work of two of his contemporaries. These clever ghosts must chuckle still over the trick they played the author of “Pantagruel.” A meaner joke was passed on Meursius, whose respectable name is inextricably associated with a peculiarly abominable Latin work, attributed to him by its actual author, who thus gratified a spite of long standing. Literary forgers are the very Pucks of letters, and all honest men will hope they find their deserts in a Hades of their own.”

A BIBLIOGRAPHY OF PARODY AND BURLESQUE.

The approaching completion of the sixth and last volume of _Parodies_ has by no means exhausted the materials which, for five and twenty years past, I have been accumulating. Indeed the subject is inexhaustible, but having given all the best parodies of English and American writers, it only remains now to mention others which were either too long, or too dull, to find a home herein, and to refer briefly to some of the principal Foreign travesties.

Only the true book hunter can appreciate the pleasures I have experienced in the never ending search for parodies and burlesques. The difficulty in obtaining some particular volumes, not to be found in the British Museum Library, which might (and sometimes did) turn up in some out-of-the-way old book shop. The delight with which they were carried home, collated, cleaned, patched and mended, to be finally packed off to Zaehnsdorf who clothes them in all the glory of calf and gilt, artistically, as his name does warrant.

In walking tours in England, in holiday trips on the Continent, and even in the few spare moments stolen to turn aside from the noise and bustle of London city into back streets and dingy alleys; in pawnbrokers, and in secondhand furniture shops, aye, even in rag and waste paper shops, have been gathered up little, dirty, torn odd volumes to add to my store, my beloved Parody Collection. Thus have materials been gathered for such a Collection of Literary trifles and _jeux d’esprit_ as has never yet been published.

LONDON, dear old London! is the paradise of the book hunter, and of the book worm; of the one who buys books, and of the other, who merely reads them. Here all tastes and all purses may be gratified; the rare and costly volumes of the King of Collectors, Bernard Quaritch; the humble “_All at 2d. in this Box_;” the first editions as collected by Elkin Mathews; or the cheap, but curious volumes to be found in the long book room of honest, kindly John Salkeld in the Clapham Road, whose catalogues (good as they are), but faintly express the wonderful knowledge of books and men he possesses.

Next, after London, come the quiet little book stores of the old Cathedral cities, such as Exeter and Canterbury; here, if theology is a trifle too obtrusive, the dealer will soon gauge your appetite, and provide a fitting meal. Then, I would say _Paris_, but the Paris of to-day is, in this respect, vastly inferior to Paris under the Empire. Then, a stroll along the quays and boulevards led to good sport, for the game was plentiful, and ridiculously cheap. The element of cheapness remains, but the true literary flavour is wanting. Thousands of books, that are _not_ books, school and prize books, old almanacs, dreary directories, medical reports, and soiled copies of trashy novels. These form the bulk.

“_La Parodie, Monsieur? La Parodie n’existe plus. Il y a trente ans qu’elle est morte dans la France_,” was the remark made to me lately by a bookseller in the Galérie D’Orléans. It is but too true, the literary sarcasm, and the pleasant malice of the good old fashioned parody seem indeed to be dead in France.

“_Ils se moquent de tous, mais ils ne plaisantent pas_,” said another dealer speaking of their authors, and so it happens that in my private collection, but a poor hundred or so of volumes are of French parentage, and the titles of some of these are all that is fit to be read, unless by an enthusiastic student of Rabelais.

No mention was made in the prospectus of “Parodies” that Foreign parodies would be included, but a few brief notes as to the principal continental examples may be given, followed by such English works on the subject as have not already been described.

French Parodies and Burlesques.

The very first book of reference to be mentioned under this head is _La Parodie, chez les Grecs, chez les Romains, et chez les Modernes_. Par Octave Delepierre. Londres: Trubner & Cie, 1870. This contains a great deal of information, but it is far from complete.

In _Les Curiosités Littéraires_ par Ludovic Lalanne (Paris, 1857) is a chapter, entitled _Du Genre Burlesque_ in which there is considerable information on Parody in general, and French parody in particular. The first piece mentioned is _La Passion de Notre-Seigneur Jésus Christ_, en vers burlesques, published in 1649; then come the works of Sarrasin, and of Assouci, the latter wrote _Ovide en belle humeur_ and the _Ravissement de Proserpine_.

_La Pharsale de Lucain_, en vers enjoués, par Brébeuf, Paris 1655.

_L’Eschole de Salerne_, en vers burlesques, par Martin Leydon, 1656.

Peter Langendik, a Dutch poet, wrote a parody of the fourth book of the Æneid, which he called _Enée endimanché_; and the Danish poet, the Baron de Holberg, also wrote burlesque translations of parts of Virgil’s great poem.

For details concerning a number of less important French Parodies and Burlesques, see also _l’Histoire de la Littérature Comique_, and _l’Histoire Burlesque_, de Flogel.

_Les Odes d’Horace en vers Burlesques._ Published at Leyden in 1653.

_L’Odyssie d’Homère en vers Burlesques._ Published at Leyden in
1653.

These small pamphlets were both issued by the same publisher, and are now very rare.

_Le Virgile Travesty_ en vers burlesques, par L’abbé Scarron. This
is a burlesque translation of the first seven books and part of
the eighth book, of Virgil’s _Æneid_. He dedicated the first book
to the Queen, and subscribed himself thus “MADAME, Votre tres
humble, tres obeyssant, tres obligé, et tres malade serviteur et
sujet.

SCARRON, _Malade de la Reyne_.”

Scarron did not proceed beyond the first half of the eighth book, several other authors published continuations, but of inferior merit, such were those by Moreau de Brasey, Tellier d’Orville, Brussel and others.

_La Suite du Virgile Travesty de Scarron._ En vers burlesques, par
Messire Jaques Moreau, Chevalier Seigneur de Brasey. Amsterdam,
1706.

This contains books 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 of the _Æneid_.

_Le Virgile dans le Pays Bas_, ou le poeme d’Enée travesti en
Flamand. Par le Plat du Temple, 3 vols. Bruxelles, 1802.

_Virgile en France, ou la nouvelle Enëide_, par Le Plat du Temple.
First published in two volumes in 1807, and next at Offenbach in
1810, in 4 volumes, with very original notes.

_L’Ovide Bouffon_, ou les Metamorphoses Travesties, en vers
Burlesques. Par L. Richer, Paris. The first edition was published
either in 1661 or 1662. The fourth edition was published in 1665,
prefaced by an amusing Madrigal written by Scarron.

_Young Scarron._ By Thomas Mozeen, actor and dramatist, 1752. This
was written in imitation of _Le Roman Comique_ of Scarron, to
ridicule the lives and manners of stage itinerants, and the
strolling players of England.

_La Critique du Tartuffe_, en un acte et en vers, a burlesque of
Molière.

_Le Lutrin_; Poeme héroi-comique. Par Nicolas Boileau Despréaux.

This famous burlesque poem, which describes a very simple quarrel between two officials of a country church, is in heroic measure:――

“Je chante les combats et ce prélat terrible
Qui par ses longs travaux et sa force invincible,
Dans une illustre église exerçant son grand cœur,
Fit placer à la fin un lutrin dans le chœur.”

Boileau remarks in his _Avis au Lecteur_:――

“C’est un burlesque nouveau dont je me suis avisé en notre
langue. Car au lieu que dans l’autre burlesque Didon et Enée
parlaient comme des harengères et des crocheteurs, dans
celui-ci une perruquière et un perruquier parlent comme
Didon et Enée?.”

_La Guerre des Dieux_, anciens et modernes, Poems en dix Chants. Par
Evariste Parny, Membre de l’Academie Française. Paris. L’an Sept.

This is a very profane work, in which the Gods of the Heathen Mythology are brought into contact with Jesus Christ, Mary his Mother, and the Holy Ghost. It has been reprinted in France and Belgium.

_Cartouche, ou le vice puni_ contained a number of parodies of
celebrated authors.

_La Messe de Cythère_, par “Nobody.” 1801.

_Les Eternueurs_, poeme-parodi burlesque. Paris, 1758.

_Le Petit Neveu de l’Aretin._ Parodie burlesque du 4 ieme livre de
l’Enéide. Paris, an IX.

_L’homme des Bois_, parodie de L’homme des Champs, de Delille.

_La Pucelle D’Orleans._ Poeme, divisé en Vingt et un Chants. Par M.
de Voltaire. Paris.

There have been many editions of this licentious poem, some of them fetch very high prices owing to the sumptuous manner in which they were produced.

_La Pucelle_ was translated into English by a lady of title, but owing to the freedom of the translation it was speedily suppressed, and copies of it are very scarce.

_La Henriade Travestie_, en vers burlesques. En Dix Chants. Par M.
de M. (Fougeret de Montbron). Amsterdam, 1762. The first edition
was published in 1745. In this the original is parodied almost
verse for verse. The author says in his _avant-propos_:――“J’ose
me flatter que Monsieur de Voltaire ne me sçaura point mauvais
gré d’avoir mis son Poëme en Vers burlesques. Ce n’est pas faire
injure au premier Poëte Français que de le traiter comme on a
fait le Prince des Poëtes Latins.” (In allusion to Scarron’s
burlesque of Virgil’s _Æneid_.)

Voltaire’s tragedy _Zaire_ was burlesqued as “_Caquire_, Parodie de Zaire,” en cinq actes et en vers. Par M. de Vessaire, 1783. This was a coarse but witty production, even the names of the characters being too foul to reprint. Delepierre says it was written by M. de Combles, and that it was reprinted in 1853 in a small volume with an unmentionable title. The original edition is very rare.

_Les Parodies du Nouveau Théâtre Italien_, ou Recueil des Parodies
représentées sur le Théâtre de L’Hôtel de Bourgoyne, par les
Comédiens Italiens Odinaires du Roy. Three vols. Paris, 1731.
Another, and more complete, collection was published in 1738.

These burlesques are principally based on French tragedies dealing with legends of the Heathen Mythology. The tragedies of Voltaire are especially singled out for imitation, two being upon _Zaire_, one called _Les Enfants trouvés_, another _Arlequin au Parnasse_.

Voltaire’s tragedy _Semiramis_ was burlesqued under the title _Zoramis_, which was produced at the Théatre de la Foire, much to his annoyance, for whilst he had written a parody of Ossian’s poems, and a burlesque on Jeanne d’Arc, he could not suffer others to burlesque him.

_Lettres inédites de Chactas d’Atala_, par M. de Chateauterne.
Paris. Dentu, 1811. A parody of Chateaubriand’s _Atala_.

_Alala_, was also a burlesque of Chateaubriand’s _Atala_.

_Agnes de Chaillot_, a parody of Lamotte’s tragedy _Ines de Castro_.
This burlesque gave great offence to Lamotte, who styled it “une
bouffonerie où l’on essaie de rendre la vertu ridicule.”

_Parodie du Juif Errant_, par Ch. Philipon et Louis Huart, avec 300
vignettes par _Cham_. Brussels, 1845.

This has been translated into English.

_Quelgues Fables de la Fontaine recitées par un Anglais._ Par F.
Guillot. Paris, 1885.

This absurd little work gives ten of la Fontaine’s fables, with versions of the same as supposed to be recited by an Englishman, having a very imperfect French accent.

_La Rapinéide ou l’Atelier_, poeme burlesco-comico-tragique, par un
Ancien Rapin des ateliers Gros et Girodet, Paris, 1870.

_Le Récit de Théramene._ Parodie par J. Méry. Paris, C. Lévy, 1881.

The author remarks “Les plus belles choses out eu les honneurs de la parodie. C’est le sort de l’humanité littéraire. Virgile le divin a été parodié par Scarron l’invalide. Le _Cid_ de Corneille a été parodié par Boileau. Chateaubriand a été parodié par M. Chateauterne. Le plus grand poëte qui ait existé depuis Homère et Virgile, Victor Hugo a été parodié par tout le monde. _Ainsi les parodies n’ont jamais rien prouvé._”

This celebrated passage, from the tragedy _Phèdre_, commencing

“A peine nous sortions des portes de Trézène,”

has been frequently imitated, and Octave Delepierre, in _La Parodie_ cites a very humorous piece written against Caron de Beaumarchais, commencing:――

“A peine Beaumarchais, débarrassant la scène
Avait de _Figaro_ terminé la centaine,
Qu’il volait à _Tarare_, et pourtant ce vainqueur
Dans l’orgueil du triomphe était morne et réveur,
Je ne sais quel chagrin, le couvrant de son ombre,
Lui donnait sur son char un maintien has et sombre.”

_Dictionnaire des Gens du Monde_, a l’usage de la cour et de la
ville. Paris, 1818. A satirical and burlesque dictionary.

A number of illustrated burlesque histories have been published in France with the title _Tintamarresque_, of which a few of the principal may be noted:――

_Le Trocadéroscope._ Revue Tintamarresque de l’Exposition
Universelle. Paris. 1878. Par Touchatout, avec dessins de A. Le
Petit.

_Histoire de France Tintamarresque_, par Touchatout (Illustrated).
Paris. This only brings the history down to the flight of Louis
Philippe in 1848.

_Histoire Tintamarresque de Napoleon III._, par Touchatout. Paris,
1877.

This takes up the History of France at the point where the preceding work ceased, namely, 1848. The caricature illustrations, by Hadol, in this are bitterly hostile to Napoleon III. and his principal adherents.

_La Dégringolade Impériale_, seconde partie de l’Histoire
Tintamarresque de Napoléon III. Par Touchatout. Dessins de G.
Lafosse. Paris, 1878.

_Grande Mythologie Tintamarresque_, par Touchatout. Dessins de G.
Lafosse et Moloch. Paris, 1881.

It will be readily understood that the gross legends of the Heathen Mythology present topics likely to meet with congenial treatment from a French author and artists, and that consequently this work (although very laughable) is not largely used in ladies boarding schools.

_Histoire Populaire et Tintamarresque de la Belgique_, depuis
l’époque des forêts vierges jusqu’a celle des tramways. Par
Fernand Delisle. Illustreé par Léon Libonis, 2 vols. Brussels.

Victor Hugo was nothing if not original. He found the French drama restricted by old-fashioned rules, and its poetry cramped and conventional. He selected new metres, and adapted his style to the subjects, relinquishing the solemn but monotonous measure in which Racine, Corneille, and Voltaire had composed their classic tragedies. He did not disdain to press uncouth polysyllables into service when the necessities of rhyming seemed to require it. His style was funnily parodied in the lines――

Jusqu’ oû O Hugo, juchera-t-on ton nom?
Justice enfin que faite ne t’a t’on?
Quand jusqu’au pic qu’académique on nomme,
Grimperas tu enfin de roc en roc, rare homme?

The Atticism of French taste had never been favourable to versification of this kind; and if Victor Hugo had been nothing but an eccentric innovator he would have failed completely. But Victor Hugo wrote great things, and the vagaries of his style were the natural expressions of an original mind; they were not the result of studied affectation. His works in prose, in poetry, and the drama suffered from enthusiastic imitators and professional perverters. His plays have been persistently burlesqued, his tragedy _Marie Tudor_ was parodied under various titles, as “Marie, tu ronfles!” “Marie Dort-tu?” “Marie tu dors encore,” and “Marionette.” His _Angelo_ was burlesqued, as “Cornaro, Tyran pas doux,” his _Ruy Blas_ as “Ruy Blag,” and as “Ruy Black” by Charles Gabet, played at the Folies Bergères April 13, 1872, and as “Ruy Blas d’en Face,” also played in Paris in 1872.

_Ruy Brac_, Tourte en cinq Boulettes, avec assaisonnement de gros
sel, de vers et de couplets, par Maxime de Redon. Paris,
November, 1838.