Chapter XII (4)
“Perhaps the men of science would do well, in accordance
with the latest scientific results, and especially the
‘meteoric theory’ to re-write the first chapter of Genesis
in this way:――
1. The earth was without form and void.
2. A meteor fell upon the earth.
3. The result was fish, flesh, and fowl.
4. From these proceeded the British Association.
5. And the British Association pronounced it tolerably good.”
――――:o:――――
William Hone’s Three Trials.
In the year 1817 William Hone, a printer and publisher in the Old Bailey, London, was prosecuted by the Government for having printed and published three parodies, the first was _John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member_, the second was _The Political Litany_, and the third was _The Sinecurist’s Creed_.
The first trial was held in the Guildhall, on December 17, 1817, before Mr. Justice Abbott and a Special Jury; the second, also in the Guildhall, on December 19, 1817, before Lord Ellenborough and a Special Jury, and the third in the same place and before the same judge, on December 20, 1817.
In each case all the influence of Court and Government was brought to bear against Mr. Hone, the Attorney-General prosecuted, and the judges were distinctly adverse to the defendant. Notwithstanding all this, and that Mr. Hone, who defended himself without legal assistance, was in feeble health, in each case the Juries returned a verdict of NOT GUILTY, and their decisions were received with delight and applause by the London populace.
Mr. Hone, in his defence, contended that the parodies were harmless in themselves, were not intended to ridicule religion or the scriptures, and were written for purely political motives. He further contended, and indeed, proved by extracts, that parodies of a far more objectionable character than his were daily published without let or hindrance, provided that they were in favour of the Government, or written to abuse its opponents.
Directly after the trials Hone published a full account of them, with his defences, and a quantity of entertaining reading on the subject of religious and political parodies. This book had an enormous sale, it has also been recently reprinted by the _Freethought Publishing Company_, so that copies of it can readily be obtained.
It will therefore suffice to give only the parodies themselves here, without the evidence and speeches of the trials.
JOHN WILKES’S CATECHISM.
The late John Wilkes’s Catechism of a Ministerial Member; taken from an Original Manuscript in Mr. Wilkes’s Handwriting, never before printed,[339] and adapted to the Present Occasion. With permission.
London: Printed for one of the Candidates for the Office of Printer to the King’s Most Excellent Majesty, and Sold by William Hone, 55, Fleet Street, and 67, Old Bailey. Three Doors from Ludgate Hill. 1817. Price Two-pence.
A Catechism, that is to say, An Instruction, to be learned of every person before he be brought to be confirmed a Placeman or Pensioner by the Minister.
_Question._ What is your name?
_Answer._ Lick Spittle.
Q. Who gave you this name?
A. My Sureties to the Ministry, in my Political Change, wherein I
was made a Member of the Majority, the Child of Corruption, and a
Locust to devour the good Things of this Kingdom.
Q. What did your Sureties then for you?
A. They did promise and vow three things in my Name. First, that I
should renounce the Reformists and all their Works, the pomps and
vanity of Popular Favour, and all the sinful lusts of Independence.
Secondly, that I should believe all the Articles of the Court Faith.
And thirdly, that I should keep the Minister’s sole Will and
Commandments, and walk in the same, all the days of my life.
Q. Dost thou not think that thou art bound to believe and to do as
they have promised for thee?
A. Yes, verily, and for my own sake, so I will; and I heartily thank
our heaven-born Ministry, that they have called me to this state of
elevation, through my own flattery, cringing, and bribery; and I
shall pray to their successors to give me their assistance, that I
may continue the same unto my life’s end.
Q. Rehearse the Articles of thy Belief.
A. I believe in GEORGE, the Regent Almighty, Maker of New Streets,
and Knights of the Bath,
And in the present Ministry, his only choice, who were conceived of
Toryism, brought forth of WILLIAM PITT, suffered loss of Place under
CHARLES JAMES FOX, were execrated, dead, and buried. In a few months
they rose again from their minority; they re-ascended to the
Treasury benches, and sit at the right hand of a little man with a
large wig; from whence they laugh at the Petitions of the People who
may pray for Reform, and that the sweat of their brow may procure
them Bread.
I believe that King James the Second was a legitimate Sovereign, and
that King William the Third was not; that the Pretender was of the
right line; and that George the Third’s grandfather was not; that
the dynasty of Bourbon is immortal! and that the glass in the eye of
Lord James Murray was not Betty Martin. I believe in the immaculate
purity of the Committee of Finance, in the independence of the
Committee of Secresy, and that the Pitt System is everlasting, Amen.
Q. What dost thou chiefly learn in these Articles of thy Belief?
A. First, I learn to forswear all conscience, which was never meant
to trouble me, nor the rest of the tribe of Courtiers. Secondly, to
swear black is white, or white black, according to the good pleasure
of the Ministers. Thirdly, to put on the helmet of Impudence, the
only armour against the shafts of Patriotism.
Q. You said that your Sureties did promise for you, that you should
keep the Minister’s Commandments: tell me how many there be?
A. Ten.
Q. Which be they?
A. The same to which the Minister for the time being always obliges
all his creatures to swear, I, the Minister, am the Lord thy liege,
who brought thee out of Want and Beggary, into the House of Commons.
I. Thou shalt have no other Patron but me.
II. Thou shalt not support any measure but mine, nor shalt thou
frame clauses of any bill in its progress to the House above, or in
the Committee beneath, or when the mace is under the table, except
it be mine. Thou shalt not bow to Lord COCHRANE, nor shake hands
with him, nor any other of my real opponents; for I thy Lord am a
jealous Minister, and forbid familiarity of the Majority, with the
Friends of the People, unto the third and fourth cousins of them
that divide against me; and give places, and thousands and tens of
thousands, to them that divide with me, and keep my Commandments.
III. Thou shalt not take the Pension of thy Lord the Minister in
vain; for I the Minister will force him to accept the Chilterns that
taketh my Pension in vain.
IV. Remember that thou attend the Minister’s Levee day; on other
days thou shalt speak for him in the House, and fetch and carry, and
do all that he commandeth thee to do; but the Levee day is for the
glorification of the Minister thy Lord: In it thou shalt do no work
in the House, but shalt wait upon him, thou, and thy daughter, and
thy wife, and the Members that are within his influence; for on
other days the Minister is inaccessible, but delighteth in the Levee
day; wherefore the Minister appointed the Levee day, and chatteth
thereon familiarly, and is amused with it.
V. Honour the Regent and the helmets of the Life Guards, that thy
stay may be long in the Place, which the Lord thy Minister giveth
thee.
VI. Thou shalt not call starving to death murder.
VII. Thou shalt not call Royal gallivanting adultery.
VIII. Thou shalt not say, that to rob the Public is to steal.
IX. Thou shalt bear false witness against the people.
X. Thou shalt not covet the People’s applause, thou shalt not covet
the People’s praise, nor their good name, nor their esteem, nor
their reverence, nor any reward that is theirs.
Q. What dost thou chiefly learn by these Commandments?
A. I learn two things――my duty towards the Minister, and my duty
towards myself.
Q. What is thy duty towards the Minister?
A. My duty towards the Minister is, to trust him as much as I can;
to fear him; to honour him with all my words, with all my bows, with
all my scrapes, and all my cringes; to flatter him; to give him
thanks; to give up my whole soul to him; to idolize his name, and
obey his word; and serve him blindly all the days of his political
life.
Q. What is thy duty towards thyself?
A. My duty towards myself is to love nobody but myself, and to do
unto most men what I would not that they should do unto me; to
sacrifice unto my own interest even my father and mother; to pay
little reverence to the King, but to compensate that omission by my
servility to all that are put in authority under him; to lick the
dust under the feet of my superiors, and to shake a rod of iron over
the backs of my inferiors; to spare the People by neither word nor
deed; to observe neither truth nor justice in my dealings with them;
to bear them malice and hatred in my heart; and where their wives
and properties are concerned, to keep my body neither in temperance,
soberness, nor chastity, but to give my hands to picking and
stealing, and my tongue to evil speaking and lying, and slander of
their efforts to defend their liberties and recover their rights;
never failing to envy their privileges, and to learn to get the
Pensions of myself and my colleagues out of the People’s labour, and
to do my duty in that department of public plunder unto which it
shall please the Minister to call me.
Q. My good Courtier, know this, that thou art not able of thyself to
preserve the Minister’s favour, nor to walk in his Commandments, nor
to serve him, without his special protection; which thou must at all
times learn to obtain by diligent application. Let me hear,
therefore, if thou canst rehearse the Minister’s Memorial.
_Answer._
Our Lord who art in the Treasury, whatsoever be thy name, thy power
be prolonged, thy will be done throughout the empire, as it is in
each session. Give us our usual sops, and forgive us our occasional
absences on divisions; as we promise not to forgive them that divide
against thee. Turn us not out of our places; but keep us in the
House of Commons, the land of Pensions and Plenty; and deliver us
from the People. Amen.
Q. What desirest thou of the Minister in this Memorial?
A. I desire the Minister, our Patron, who is the disposer of the
Nation’s overstrained Taxation, to give his protection unto me and
to all Pensioners and Placemen, that we may vote for him, serve him,
and obey him, as far as we find it convenient; and I beseech the
Minister that he will give us all things that be needful, both for
our reputation and appearance in the House and out of it; that he
will be favourable to us, and forgive us our negligence; that it
will please him to save and defend us, in all dangers of life and
limb, from the People, our natural enemies; and that he will help us
in fleecing and grinding them; and this I trust he will do out of
care for himself, and our support of him through our corruption and
influence; and therefore I say Amen. So be it.
Q. How many Tests hath the Minister ordained?
A. Two only, as generally necessary to elevation; (that is to say)
Passive Obedience and Bribery.
Q. What meanest thou by this word Test?
A. I mean an outward visible sign of an inward intellectual
meanness, ordained by the Minister himself as a pledge to assure him
thereof.
Q. How many parts are there in this Test?
A. Two; the outward visible sign, and the intellectual meanness.
Q. What is the outward visible sign or form of Passive Obedience?
A. Dangling at the Minister’s heels, whereby the person is degraded
beneath the baseness of a slave, in the character of a Pensioner,
Placeman, Expectant Parasite, Toadeater, or Lord of the Bedchamber.
Q. What is the inward intellectual meanness?
A. A death unto Freedom, a subjection unto perpetual Thraldom; for
being by nature born free, and the children of Independence, we are
hereby made children of Slavery.
Q. What is required of persons submitting to the Test of Passive
Obedience?
A. Apostacy, whereby they forsake Liberty; and faith, whereby they
stedfastly believe the promises of the Minister, made to them upon
submitting to that Test.
Q. Why was the Test of Bribery ordained?
A. For the continual support of the Minister’s influence, and the
feeding of us, his needy creatures and sycophants.
Q. What is the outward part or sign in the Test of Bribery?
A. Bank notes, which the Minister hath commanded to be offered by
his dependants.
Q. Why then are beggars submitted to this Test, when by reason of
their poverty they are not able to go through the necessary forms?
A. Because they promise them by their Sureties; which promise, when
they come to lucrative offices, they themselves are bound to
perform.
Q. What is the inward part, or thing signified?
A. The industry and wealth of the People, which are verily and
indeed taken and had by Pensioners and Sinecurists, in their
Corruption.
Q. What are the benefits whereof you are partakers thereby?
A. The weakening and impoverishing the People, through the loss of
their Liberty and Property, while our wealth becomes enormous, and
our pride intolerable.
Q. What is required of them who submit to the Test of Bribery and
Corruption?
A. To examine themselves, whether they repent them truly of any
signs of former honour and patriotism, stedfastly purposing
henceforward to be faithful towards the Minister; to draw on and off
like his glove, to crouch to him like a spaniel; to purvey for him
like a jackall; to be as supple to him as Alderman Sir WILLIAM
TURTLE; to have the most lively faith in the Funds, especially in
the Sinking Fund; to believe the words of Lord CASTLEREAGH alone; to
have remembrance of nothing but what is in the Courier; to hate
MATTHEW WOOD, the present Lord Mayor, and his second Mayoralty; with
all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all
our strength; to admire Sir JOHN SILVESTER, the Recorder, and Mr.
JOHN LANGLEY; and to be in charity with those only who have
something to give.
[_Here endeth the Catechism._]
――――
THE POLITICAL LITANY.
¶ _Here followeth the Litany, or General Supplication, to be
said or sung at all times when thereunto especially moved._
O Prince, ruler of the people, have mercy upon us thy miserable
subjects.
_O Prince, ruler, &c._
O House of Lords, hereditary legislators, have mercy upon us,
pension-paying subjects.
_O House of Lords, &c._
O House of Commons, proceeding from corrupt borough-mongers, have
mercy upon us, your should-be constituents.
_O House of Commons, &c._
O gracious, noble, right honourable, and learned rulers of our land,
three estates in one state, have mercy upon us, a poverty-stricken
people.
_O gracious, noble, &c._
Remember not, most gracious, most noble, right honourable, and
honourable gentlemen, our past riches, nor the riches of our
forefathers; neither continue to tax us according to our long-lost
ability――spare us, good rulers; spare the people who have supported
ye with their labour, and spilt their most precious blood in your
quarrels; O consume us not utterly,
_Spare us, good Prince_.
From an unnational debt; from unmerited pensions and sinecure
places; from an extravagant civil list; and from utter starvation,
_Good Prince, deliver us_.
From the blind imbecility of ministers; from the pride and
vain-glory of warlike establishments in time of peace,
_Good Prince, deliver us_.
From all the deadly sins attendant on a corrupt method of election;
from all the deceits of the pensioned hirelings of the press,
_Good Prince, deliver us_.
From taxes levied by distress; from jails crowded with debtors; from
poor-houses overflowing with paupers,
_Good Prince, deliver us_.
From a Parliament chosen only by one-tenth of the taxpayers; from
taxes raised to pay wholesale human butchers their subsidies; from
the false doctrines, heresy, and schism, which have obscured our
once-glorious constitution; from conspiracies against the liberty of
the people; and from obstacles thrown in the way of the exertion of
our natural and constitutional rights,
_Good Prince, deliver us_.
By your feelings as men; by your interests as members of civil
society; by your duty as Christians,
_O Rulers, deliver us_.
By the deprivation of millions――by the sighs of the widow――by the
tears of the orphan――by the groans of the aged in distress――by the
wants of all classes in the community, except your own and your
dependents,
_O Rulers, deliver us_.
In this time of tribulation――in this time of want of labour to
thousands, and of unrequited labour to tens of thousands――in this
time of sudden death from want of food,
_O Rulers, deliver us_.
We people do beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers; and that it may please
ye to rule and govern us constitutionally in the right way;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to keep yourselves in all sobriety,
temperance, and honesty of life――that ye spend not extravagantly the
money raised from the production of our labours, nor take for
yourselves that which ye need not;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to keep your hearts in fear of oppression, and
in love of justice; and that ye may evermore have affiance in our
affection, rather than in the bayonets of an hired soldiery;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to be our defenders and keepers, giving us the
victory over all our enemies, and redressing the grievances under
which we labour;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to lessen the cares of the world unto all
Bishops and Church Dignitaries; giving their superabundance to the
poor clergy, and no longer taxing us for their support;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to place within the bounds of economy the
expenditure of all the Royal Family;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to deprive the Lords of the Council, and all
the nobility, of all money paid out of the taxes which they have not
earned;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to direct all Magistrates to give up their
advanced salaries, which the times no longer render necessary, and
to content themselves with their former stipends;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to bless all the people with equal
representation, and to keep them safe from borough-mongering
factions;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye so to govern us, that unity, peace, and
concord, may prevail throughout the nation, and the voice of tumult
and dissatisfaction be no more heard in our streets;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to give unto all people all their rights as
citizens, whatever may be the mode in which their consciences may
impel them to worship their Creator, and whatever the creed to which
their judgments assent;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to bring into the way of truth those apostates
who have erred therefrom, and have deceived us;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to strengthen all such as do stand up for the
legal and constitutional rights of the people; to comfort and help
the weak-hearted, who want courage in our behalf; to raise up such
as do fall; and, finally, to beat down corruption under our feet;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye not to tax “until the brow of labour sweats in
vain;” but to succour and comfort all that are in necessity and
tribulation;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to shew pity to all who are prisoners and
captives for the people’s sake, or through the oppressive expenses
of the laws;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to appropriate the 200,000l. annually paid to
Members of Parliament, contrary to an ancient law, as a provision
for fatherless children and widows, and all that are desolate and
oppressed;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to have mercy upon us all;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to turn the hearts of our enemies,
persecutors, and slanderers, by withdrawing their pensions and
emoluments, that they may no longer call us a “rabble,” the “swinish
multitude,” or “ragamuffins,” but may once more style us “the real
strength of the nation,”――“the body, without which a head is
useless;”
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to give and preserve to our use the kindly
fruits of the earth, untaxed by men in black, whom those who wish
for their instruction ought alone to support;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to abolish and destroy all sinecure places,
and worthless pensions; to utterly purge and root out all
wrong-doers; to thoroughly correct the present misrepresentation of
the people, by an effectual Reform in Parliament; and otherwise to
do, or cause to be done, such further and other acts and deeds, as
shall or may conduce to the true interest and benefit of the whole
commonwealth;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to lead and strengthen GEORGE Prince of Wales,
our present REGENT, in the true fear and knowledge of the principles
whereon the people of this commonwealth placed their crown on the
head of his ancestors, and continue it towards him; and that it may
please ye, as much as in ye lie, to keep and defend him from battle
and murder, and sudden death, and from fornication, and all other
deadly sin;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to put on short allowance all Bishops,
Priests, and Deacons, that their fleshly appetites being reduced,
their spiritual-mindedness may be thereby increased and so that both
by their preaching and living they may set it forth, and show it
accordingly;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
That it may please ye to take to yourselves true repentance,
inasmuch as ye have erred from the way of your forefathers; and
amend your method of governing according to our free constitution;
_We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers_.
Son of George, we beseech thee to hear us.
_Son of George, we beseech thee, &c._
O House of Lords, that takest away so many tens of thousands of
pounds in pensions,
_Have mercy upon us_.
O House of Commons, that votest away the money of the whole nation,
instead of that of those only who elect you;
_Have mercy upon us_.
O Prince, hear us.
_O Prince, hear us._
George, have mercy upon us.
_George, have mercy upon us._
O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.
_O House of Lords, have mercy upon us._
O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.
_O House of Commons, have mercy upon us._
[_Here endeth the Litany._]
――――
¶ THE COLLECT TO BE USED BY HIS MAJESTY’S MINISTERS
_Beginneth thus_:
Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, &c.
_¶ By whom the following may be used in ordinary._
The Grace of our Lord GEORGE the PRINCE REGENT, and the Love of
LOUIS the XVIII., and the fellowship of the Pope, be with us all
evermore. _Amen._
――――:o:――――
THE SINECURIST’S CREED OR BELIEF.
¶ _Upon all suitable occasions may be sung or said the following
CONFESSION――upstanding and uncovered._
_Quicunque vult._
Whosoever will be a Sinecurist: before all things it is necessary
that he hold a place of profit.
Which place except every Sinecurist do receive the salary for, and
do no service: without doubt it is no Sinecure.
And a Sinecurist’s duty is this: that he divide with the Ministry
and be with the Ministry in a Majority.
Neither confounding the Persons, nor dividing with the Opposition.
For there is One Ministry of Old Bags,[340] another of Derry Down
Triangle:[341] and another of the Doctor.[342] But the Ministry of
Old Bags, of Derry Down Triangle,[343] and of the Doctor, is all
one: the folly equal, the profusion coeternal.
Such as Old Bags is, such is Derry Down Triangle: and such is the
Doctor.
Old Bags a Mountebank, Derry Down Triangle a Mountebank: the Doctor
a Mountebank.
Old Bags incomprehensible, Derry Down Triangle incomprehensible: the
Doctor incomprehensible.
Old Bags a Humbug, Derry Down Triangle a Humbug: and the Doctor a
Humbug.
And yet they are not three Humbugs: but one Humbug.
As also they are not three incomprehensibles, nor three Mountebanks:
but one Mountebank, and one incomprehensible.
So likewise Old Bags is All-twattle,[344] Derry Down Triangle
All-twattle: and the Doctor All-twattle.
And yet they are not three All-twattles: but one All-twattle.
So Old Bags is a Quack, Derry Down Triangle is a Quack: and the
Doctor is a Quack.
And yet they are not three Quacks: but one Quack.
So likewise Old Bags is a Fool, Derry Down Triangle is a Fool: and
the Doctor is a Fool.
And yet not three Fools: but one Fool.
For like as we are compelled by real verity to acknowledge every
Minister by himself to be Quack and Fool;
So are we forbidden by state etiquette to say there be three Quacks,
or three Fools.
Derry Down Triangle is made of none: neither born nor begotten.
Old Bags is of himself alone; a Lawyer bred, a Lord created, by the
Father begotten.
The Doctor is of Old Bags, and of Derry Down Triangle: neither made,
nor created, nor begotten, but proceeding.
So there is one Old Bags, not three Old Bags: one Derry Down
Triangle, not three Triangles: one Doctor, not three Doctors.
And in this ministry none is afore or after the other: none is
greater or less than another.
But the whole three Ministers are co-Charlatans together, and
co-Tricksters.
So that, in all things, as is aforesaid: the Majority with the
Ministry, and the Ministry in the Majority, is to be worshipped.
He therefore that will be a Sinecurist, must thus think of the
Ministry.
Furthermore it is necessary to his Sinecure’s preservation: that he
also believe rightly the mystification of Derry Down Triangle.
For the Sinecurist’s right faith is, that he believe and confess:
that Derry Down Triangle, the _queue_ of the Ministry of the great
man now no more, is now both Minister and Manager.
Minister, first selling the substance of his own country to this:
Manager scattering the substance of this over all the world;
Perfect Knave and perfect Fool: of unsparing despotic views――on
overstrained taxation subsisting;
Equal to Old Bags as touching grave Trickery: and inferior to the
Doctor as touching his Mummery.
Who although he be Knave and Fool, yet he is not two, but one
Minister;
One; not by a conversion of the Charlatan into the Minister; but by
shooting a more showy juggler, who wanted, and still wants, to be a
Minister.
One altogether; squandering in profusion our substance: by votes of
corrupt Majorities.
For as by power of Dupery, and our Money, he makes whom he will his
own; so by Intrigue and Cajolery, he is Minister:――
Who to talk for our Salvation, descended to kiss the Nethermost End
of Tally-high-ho; and rose again as a giant refreshed;
He ascended into a higher place, he sitteth at the right hand of the
Chair; from whence he shall hear how those who being starved――‘by
the Visitation of God’――became Dead.
At whose nodding all Sinecurists shall rise again, and again; and
with their voices cry Aye! Aye! and the Laureate[345] in token of
joy, shall mournfully chaunt the most doleful Lay in his Works.
And they that have said Aye! Aye! shall go into place everlasting;
and they that have said No! shall go into everlasting Minorities.
And COLERIDGE shall have a Jew’s Harp, and a Rabbinical Talmud, and
a Roman Missal: and WORDSWORTH shall have a Psalter, and a Primer,
and a Reading Easy; and unto SOUTHEY’S pension Sack-but shall be
duly added: and with Harp, Sack-but, and Psaltery, they shall make
merry, and discover themselves before Derry Down Triangle, and HUM
his most gracious Master, whose Kingdom shall have no end.
This is the Sinecurist’s duty, from doing more than which, except he
abstain faithfully, he cannot be a Sinecurist.
¶ Glory be to old Bags, and to Derry Down Triangle, and to the
Doctor.
As it was in the Beginning, is now, and ever shall be, if such
_things_ be, without end. _Amen._
[_Here endeth the Creed or Belief._]
――――
Hone was then a poor, friendless man, whom the Government meant to crush by fine and imprisonment in case of conviction. But his triumphant acquittal on each of the three trials had effects exactly opposite to those they anticipated. The legality of his publications being fully established, and public curiosity being aroused, large numbers of the tracts were sold; Hone, instead of being ruined, found himself the hero of the day, with public sympathy in his favour, and a rapidly increasing business. The popular Alderman, Robert Waithman, M.P. for London, interested himself in the case, and presided over a public meeting at which the following resolutions were passed:――
At a MEETING of the FRIENDS of the LIBERTY of the PRESS and
TRIAL by JURY, held at the City of London Tavern, on Monday,
December 29, 1817,
Mr. WAITHMAN in the Chair,
Resolved unanimously,
1. That the Liberty of the Press is one of the dearest rights and proudest distinctions of Englishmen, and is inseparably connected with, and wholly dependent on the purity of the Trial by Jury.
2. That the inestimable importance of the sacred and constitutional right of Trial by Jury has never been more demonstratively proved than by the recent prosecutions and honourable acquittals of Mr. William Hone.
3. That Parodies on Scripture having been written and published by Martin Luther, the Father of the Reformation, by Dignitaries of the Church, and by other eminent and learned personages down to the present time, we are persuaded that the exception taken to the parodies of Mr. Hone by the present Ministers of the Crown was to answer political purposes against the Liberty of the Press.
4. That a hypocritical prostitution of Religion, and a pretended zeal for its defence, when used by corrupt Statesmen as a mask for political persecution, must ever be held by all sincere Christians as the worst profanation of its sacred name.
5. That it is evident, from the manner in which those prosecutions were commenced and conducted, that the real object of Ministers was not to protect Religion, but to crush an apparently defenceless individual who had exposed their political delinquencies, to stifle public discussion, to destroy the Liberty of the Press, and to uphold existing abuse.
6. That the extensive knowledge, the varied talents, the manly intrepidity, the energy of mind, and the unshaken perseverance, which enabled Mr. Willian Hone so dauntlessly to resist the reiterated assaults of Ministerial persecution, entitle him to the gratitude and support of every friend to constitutional freedom.
7. That a subscription be now opened, and that the money which may be subscribed be placed in the hands of a Committee, to be used in such way as shall appear to them best calculated to promote the permanent welfare of Mr. Hone and his family.
8. That the following Gentlemen be of the Committee――Alderman Goodbehere, Alderman Thorp, Robert Waithman, Joseph Hurcombe, William Sturch, Samuel Brooks, William Williams, William Teasdale.
9. That Robert Waithman, Esq., be the Treasurer.
10. That the Thanks of this Meeting are due to Sir Francis Burdett, Bart., for his spontaneous offers of cooperation with the Gentlemen originating the Subscription, in strict conformity with a life of pure patriotism and love of country.
11. That the Thanks of this Meeting are hereby cordially given to Mr. Charles Pearson, for his manly and successful struggle in correcting the corrupt system of packing Juries, which has contributed so essentially toward the present triumph; and especially for the gratuitous advice and assistance given to Mr. Hone throughout the whole of the prosecutions, affording a rare example to his profession of zeal, independance, and disinterestedness.
12. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Lord Cochrane, for his zealous endeavours on the present occasion.
ROBERT WAITHMAN, Chairman.
13. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Mr. Waithman, for his conduct in the Chair, and for his exertions upon all occasions to support the cause of liberty.
W. STURCH.
PALINODE, 1600.
_Amorphus and Phantaste._
_Amo._ From Spanish shrugs, French faces, smirks, irps, and all
affected humours,
CHORUS――_Good Mercury, defend us_.
_Pha._ From secret friends, sweet servants, loves, doves, and such
phantastique humours,
_Good Mercury, defend us_.
_Amo._ From stabbing of arms, flap-dragons, healths, whiffes, and
all such swaggering humours,
_Good Mercury, defend us_.
_Pha._ From waving fannes, coy glances, glickes, cringes, and all
such simpering humours,
_Good Mercury, defend us_.
_Amo._ From making love by attorney, courting of puppets, and paying
for new acquaintance,
_Good Mercury, deliver us_.
_Pha._ From perfumed dogs, monkeys, sparrows, and parachitoes,
_Good Mercury, defend us_.
_Amo._ From wearing bracelets of hair, shoe-ties, gloves, garters,
and rings with posies,
_Good Mercury, defend us_.
_Pha._ From pargetting, painting, slicking, glazing, and renewing
old rivelled faces,
_Good Mercury, defend us_.
_Amo._ From squiring to tilt-yards, play houses, pageants, and all
such public places,
_Good Mercury, defend us_.
_Pha._ From entertaining one gallant to gull another, and make fools
of either,
_Good Mercury, defend us._
_Amo._ From belying ladies’ favours, nobleman’s countenance, coining
counterfeit employments, vainglorious taking to them other
men’s services, and all self-loving humours,
_Good Mercury, defend us._
From _Cynthia’s Revels_, by Ben Jonson.
This satire was first acted in the year 1600, by the children of Queen Elizabeth’s Chapel, with permission of the master of the revels, the passage above quoted is one of the earliest imitations of the Church of England services, as by Law established.
――――:o:――――
The following examples are taken from “_The Rump_; or, an exact Collection of the Choycest _Poems_ and _Songs_ relating to the Late Times. By the most Eminent Wits, from _Anno_ 1639 to _Anno_ 1661.” London, 1662.
These poems were all written by the Cavaliers in support of Arbitrary power in Church and State, and against the Commonwealthmen, Puritans, and Dissenters:
A LETANY FOR THE NEW YEAR.
From all and more than I have written here,
I wish you well protected this New Year;
From Civil War, and such uncivil things
As ruine Law and Gospel, Priests and Kings;
From those who for self-ends would all betray,
From such new Saints that pistol when they pray,
From flattering Faces with infernal Souls,
From new Reformers, such as pull down Pauls,
From linsey-wolsey Lords, from Town-betrayers,
From Apron-preachers and Extempore Prayers,
From Pulpit Blasphemy, and bold Rebellion,
From Blood and――something else that I could tell ye on,
From new False Teachers which destroy the old,
From those that turn the Gospel into Gold,
From that black Pack where Clubs are always Trump,
From Bodies Politique and from the Rump,
From those that ruine when they should repair,
From such as cut off Heads instead of Hair,
From twelve-months Taxes and Abortive Votes.
From chargeable Nurse-Children in red Coats,
From such as sell their Souls to save their Sums,
From City Charters that make heads for Drums,
From Magistrates which have no truth or knowledge,
From the Red Students now in Gresham College,
From Governments erected by the Rabble,
From sweet Sir Arthur’s Knights of the round Table.
From City-Saints whose Anagram is Stains,
From Plots and being choak’d with our own Chains,
From these and ten times more which may ensue,
The _Poet_ prays, _Good Lord deliver you_.
――――
THE CITY OF LONDON’S NEW LETANY.
From Rumps that do Rule against Customes and Laws,
From a fardle of Fancies stil’d a Good Old Cause,
From Wives that have nails which are sharper than claws,
_Good Jove, deliver us_.
From Men who seek right where it’s not to be had,
From such who seek good where all things are bad,
From Wise Men far worse than fools or men mad,
_Good Jove, &c._
From Soldiers that wrack the poor out of doors,
From Rumps that stuff Coffers to pleasure their Whores,
Which they secretly squeeze from Commonwealth scores,
_Good Jove, &c._
From Knaves that doe pocket good Subjects estates,
From such that give Plaisters when they’ve broken our Pates,
From Rumps that do Vote down our Postes, Chaines and Gates,
_Good Jove, &c._
From souldiers who mutiny for want of their pay,
And at last go sneaking without it away,
Crying, they hope for a far better day,
_Good Jove, &c._
From one who brought Forces to fill up the Town,
That when _Rumps_ were at highest he might pull them down.
Because he himself doth aim at the Crown,
_Good Jove, &c._
* * * * *
From men who make use of their Friends in the nick,
And when the Brunt’s over against them do kick,
The thoughts of such Varlets do make my _Muse_ sick,
_Good night, good people all_!
In the same collection there are several other imitations of less interest, one commences thus:
From Villany drest in the Doublet of Zeal,
From three Kingdoms bak’d in one Common weal,
From a gleek of _Lord Keepers_ of one poor Seal,
_Libera nos, &c._
Another thus:
That if it please thee to assist
Our Agitators, and their List,
And _Hemp_ them with a gentle twist,
_Quesumus te, &c._
That it may please thee to suppose
Our actions are as good as those
That gull the people through the Nose,
_Quesumus, te, &c._
And two others, the refrain of one being:
From a Rump insatiate as the Sea,
_Libera nos Domine_.
and of the other:
From Fools and Knaves, in our Parliament free
_Libera nos Domine_.
――――:o:――――
The following is taken from the “_Collection of the newest and most ingenious Poems, &c. against Popery_,” in quarto, published soon after the Revolution, it refers to the birth of the son of James II., afterwards styled the Pretender.
A NEW PROTESTANT LITANY.
From Cobweb-Lawn Charters, from sham-freedom banters,
Our Liberty-keepers and new Gospel-planters,
And the trusty kind hands of our great Quo Warrantos,
_Libera Nos, &c._
From High-Court Commissions, to Rome to re-join us,
From a Rhadamanth Chancellor, the Western Judge Minos,
Made Head of our Church by new Jure Divino’s,
_Libera Nos, &c._
From a new-found Stone Doublet, to th’ old Sleeve of Lawn,
And all to make room for the Pope-Lander-Spawn;
To see a Babe born, through bed-curtains close drawn,
_Libera Nos, &c._
From resolving o’er night, where to lye-in to-morrow,
And from cunning back-door to let Midwife thorow,
Eight months ful-grown man child, born without pang or sorrow,
_Libera Nos, &c._
From a God-father Pope, to the Heir of a Throne;
From three Christian names to one Sir-name unknown,
With a Tyler milch-nurse, now the Mother’s milk’s gone,
_Libera Nos, &c._
There was one in the second part of the same Collection beginning――
From immoderate fines and defamation,
From Braddon’s merciless subornation,
And from a bar of assassination,
_Libera nos, Domine_.
From a body that’s English, a mind that is French,
From a Lawyer that scolds like an oyster wench,
And from the new Bonner upon the Bench,
_Libera nos, Domine, &c._
――――
THE POOR MAN’S LITANY.
(About 1810.)
From four pounds of Bread, at Sixteen-pence price,
And Butter at Eighteen, though not very nice,
And Cheese at a Shilling, though gnaw’d by the mice,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From stale Clods of Beef, at a Shilling a pound,
Which, in summer, with fly-blows and maggots abound,
Or dried by the wind, and scarce fit for a hound,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From the Tax upon Income, invented by Pitt,
Though the Great Ones contrive to lose nothing by it,
Yet we who have little are sure to be bit,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From Taxes Assess’d, now rais’d at a nod,
While Inspectors rule o’er us with their iron rod,
And expect homage paid them like some demi-god,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From Forestallers, Regraters, and all that curs’d train,
Who, to swell out their bags, will hoard up the grain,
Against which we cry out with our might and main,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From a Workhouse where hunger and poverty rage,
And distinction’s a stranger to birth, sex, or age;
Lame and Blind, all must work, or be coop’d in a cage,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From six in a bed in those mansions of woe,
Where nothing but beards, nails, and vermin do grow,
And from picking of Oakum in cellars below,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From Stickings of Beef, old, withered, and tough,
Bread, like Saw-dust and Bran, and of that not enough,
And scarcely a rag to cover our Buff,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From the tantalized sight of viewing the Great
Luxuriously rolling in coaches of state,
While thousands are starving――for something to eat,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
From feasts and rejoicings, ye Gluttons, abstain,
Since the blessings you boast of but give the Poor pain,
And of which one and all so loudly complain,
_Good Lord, deliver us_!
But these Burthens remov’d, then united we’ll pray,
Both the young and the old, the grave and the gay――
“May the Rulers be happy, and live to be grey;”
Rejoice then, ye Britons, that’s our Jubilee day,
_We beseech thee to hear us, Good Lord_.
――――
THE NOBLEMAN’S LITANY.
O Aristocracy! Government divine!! have mercy upon us miserable
place-men.
_O Aristocracy, Government divine, &c._
Stars, Garters, and Promotions, proceeding from Aristocracy, and
power, have mercy upon us miserable place-men.
_Stars, Garters, and Promotions, &c._
Remember not our offences, nor the offences of our forefathers when
in office,――neither take from us our places or our pensions. Spare
us, Aristocracy――spare the creatures though hast raised, and be not
angry with thy servants.
_Aristocracy, spare us!_
From all Democracy, and new-fangled doctrines,
_Aristocracy, deliver us_!
From fish-women, mobs, and lamp posts,
_Aristocracy, deliver us_!
From national assemblies, national guards, and national cockades,
_Aristocracy, deliver us_!
From people who judge for themselves, and pretend to the rights of
man,
_Aristocracy, deliver us_!
From TOM PAINE’S rabble and inflammatory pamphlets,
_Aristocracy, deliver us_!
From the insertion of paragraphs foreign to thy laws, and the
liberty of the Press in general,
_Aristocracy, deliver us_!
From all revolution meetings, and _Ca Ira_ clubs,
_Aristocracy, deliver us_!
From all investigations and reforms,
_Aristocracy, deliver us_!
We place-men do beseech thee to hear us, O Aristocracy, and that it
may please thee to govern the Church in _thine own way_.
_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us._
That it may please thee to _illuminate the head_ of our _governor_,
and make it rich in understanding,
_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us_.
That it may please thee to bless and preserve the governor’s wife,
and keep her from all uncharitableness.
_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us._
That it may please thee to shower down fat livings on all righteous
pastors of the Church, so that they may enjoy every luxury, and by
their preaching and living shew it accordingly.
_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us._
That it may please thee to preserve for _our_ use, the kindly fruits
of the earth, and all the _game_ thereof, so that no other may enjoy
them.
_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us._
That it may please thee to protect such as are in power, both in
Church and State; to raise up them that fall; and finally, to beat
down _farmers_, _curates_, and _shopkeepers_, beneath our feet,
_Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us_.
――――
THE LONDONER’S PETITION.
From shrinkers and shufflers, and shelvers and shirks,
From Parochial harangues and from corporate quirks,
From the Board of many Words and no Works,
_From speech-making men_.
From the pestilent flow of London’s sewage,
From the further pollution of old Thames’ brewage.
From the works of the old and the talk of the new age,
_Save us, Big Ben_!
From MR. HARRISON’S endless motions,
From amateur engineering notions,
From Erith and Plumstead sewage oceans,
_Within one mile or ten_.
From penny-wisdom and pound-foolishness,
From pipe-maker’s quarrels, and Bumbledom’s mulishness,
From H. L. TAYLOR’S obstinate owlishness,
_Save us, Big Ben_!
From a thirty-six vestry-power of dilating,
Disputing, discussing, protesting and prating,
From a thirty-six vestry-pow’er of rating,
_Where they like it and when_.
From plans propounded only to shelve,
From the right our streets to dig and to delve,
Into sewers to be tide-locked eight hours out of twelve,
_Then let loose again_.
From centralisation and localisation,
“Pipe _versus_ brick” quarrel and imputation,
Cuckoo-cries, vested rights, and vestrification,
_Save us, Big Ben_!
_Punch._ December 13, 1856.
――――
A DISH OF FACTS AND SCRAPS.
Friends and fellow-countrymen, no matter where you come from, or whether your mugs be black, white, or whitey brown, you are called upon this day to assemble and meet together to show your sympathy with suffering France, and although we ought at all times to love our neighbours as ourselves, yet it becomes us to look at home and take care of number one.
Now the well-known sufferings of the children of France have called forth the indignation of the Republicans of England, and they held meetings with the view of showing their sympathy for them.
And Nappy the Little was enjoying himself in the green fields of Kent, and the Prussian Bully laughed in his sleeve, saying “I will now let them alone, and they will be like unto the Kilkenny cats, they will fight on till there is nothing left but their precious tails.”
But the patriots of St. James’s Hall shouted, “Long live the Republic!” and Georgy (Odger), the man of wax responded, Amen!
Now about the same time the people of England were at loggerheads with the shovel-hatted gentry that infest the upper house of St. Stephen’s, inasmuch as they had rejected measures in spite of the people; and they said, it is not only illegal, but it is naughty for a man to marry the sister of a wife that is dead, excepting when it is to suit the coronetted gentry, and then it is quite a horse of another colour.
But the people communed together, saying, swallow the bill you must, or we will bring in a bill for a man to marry his grandmother, or off come your hats and silk aprons, and we will pack you away to the salt lake to dwell amongst the Mormons.
And Bruce, of cab flag notoriety, is doing his best to stop a man’s beer, by trying to close the houses for the sale of double stout. But he must mind his eye, or he will put his foot in it, and his licensing dodge will share the same fate as his never-to-be-forgotten cab act.
And the people said, who is he that interfereth with the liberties of the working men. Better for him that he had a millstone around his neck, and took a cold bath in the Serpentine.
And while these things were going on, Gladstone still slumbered, showing that he is like a barber’s block, neither use nor ornament.
Now behold, since the happy event of the wedding of the lucky Scotchman with our charming little lady Louise, the call for royal burgoo has been so great, that Scotch oatmeal has risen 50 per cent.
LET US SAY.
From all red hot babblers, who would cause us to burn our fingers. Common sense defend us!
_Friends of peace and order save us!_
From the tender mercies of such pious Kings as the Prussian Bully, Minister of war spare us.
_Spare us, we implore thee._
And oh, ye silk aproned gentry, play not too much with the rights of Englishmen, or you will be swept from the floor of St. Stephen’s, and be compelled to earn an honest living.
And O most noble Secretary for Home affairs, we beg of you to throw up your present berth and turn teetotal spouter, for which you are more fit, and not try to rob a poor man of his beer by your new licencing dodge.
_Spare us our beer, we beseech thee._
And Odger, stop up the mouths of our numerous oppressors with your lapstone of defiance, and spur up their shallow minds with your closing awl of reason, and remain for ever the true brick you always have been.
And O, Billy Gladstone, return to your duty as you promised the Electors of Greenwich and the whole of the working classes, or prepare to be sent to the imbecile ward of the nearest union.
And now may a hot joint and a pot of home brewed grace the tables of all who need it, and all our enemies be vaccinated by Old Nick on both shoulders.
So be it.
April, 1871.
――――
THE BOOK-LOVER’S LITANY.
From set spoilers and book borrowers, and from such as read in bed,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From plate sneaks, portrait flickers, map tearers and from book thieves,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From such as read with unwashed hands; from careless sneezers, snuff takers, and rheum voiders; from tobacco-ash droppers, grease slingers, and moth smashers; from leaf pressers and all unclean beasts,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From margin slashers, letter-press clippers and page misplacers; from half-title wasters, original-cover losers, and lettering mis-spellers; from gilt daubers and all the tribe of botcher-binders,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From heat and damp; from fire and mildew; from bookworms, flies and moths,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From careless servants and removal fiends, and from all thoughtless women and children,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From book-droppers and book wrenchers; from ink and pencil markers and scribblers; and from such as write their names on title-pages,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From selling books by auction; from disposing of them by private sale and from all grave disasters,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From truth economizing cataloguers; from two price booksellers; and from all disingenuous dealers,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From “Bowdlerized” editions; from expurgators and all putters forth of incomplete editions,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From all smatterers and pretenders; from all shallow and impertinent store assistants,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From “appliance” lunatics, and library faddists; from “fonetic” cranks, and all that have shingles loose,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From bibliotaphers and lock and key curmudgeons; and from all glass door bookcases,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From wood pulp paper, and all chemical abominations; and from those that manufacture faint ink,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From undated books, re-hashed engravings, and gaudy bindings; and from all “jerry” book-binders,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From books that have no index, and from index makers in general,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
From all booksellers who are ignorant and pig-headed, and from them that do not advertise,
_Kind Fate protect us_.
H. L.
_The Bookmart._ January, 1887.
――――
“_A Sturdy Beggars Litany to the Colossus of the Sun, or the City of London’s intended Petition to the late Prime Minister._” Being an accurate description of his last twenty years administration.
Printed by Hugo de Burgo, for the Company of Flying Stationers. (A Broadside sheet not dated.)
This referred to Horace Walpole, Don Carlos, the Queen of Spain, Vernon’s Sea Victory and Lord Scrope.
In the _Protestant Tutor for Youth_ is “A New Litany” in rudely vigorous triplets. The twentieth runs:――
From Arbitrary Power defend us
And let no wooden Shoes attend us,
Still Liberty of Conscience send us.
There is also a parody of the Litany in _Political Ballads_, edited by W. Walker Wilkins. 2 Vols., 1860, and another, dated 1856, in a pamphlet on _Capital Punishment_ addressed to Sir G. C. Lewis, by Arthur Trevelyan J. P., with “A Litany for the Gallows.” London, 1856.
The following are imitations of what is “commonly called”
THE CREED OF SAINT ATHANASIUS.
The first is taken from an old Collection of poems, called “The Foundling Hospital for Wit”:――
PROPER RULES AND INSTRUCTIONS, WITHOUT WHICH NO
PERSON CAN BE AN EXCISEMAN.
_Quicunque vult._
Whosoever would be an Exciseman, before all things it is necessary that he learns the Art of Arithmetic.
Which Art, unless he wholly understand, he without doubt can be no Exciseman.
Now the Art of Arithmetic is this, we know how to multiply and how to divide. _Desunt pauca._
The 1 is a figure, the 2 a figure, and the 3 a figure.
The 1 is a number, the 2 a number, and the 3 a number; and yet there are _Desunt plurima_.
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Parodies of the works of English & American authors, vol. VIChapter XII (4)
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