Chapter XII (1)

Day had broken (though MARTIN was still solvent) and was casting brilliant Holborn Bars of light through the windows of Tredethlyn Abbey on to the artistic Phiz of Lady Aurorabella.

She was very very weary――tired of her own life, and of several other people’s lives, also she had not the heart to eat, and probably would not have eaten it if she had. Beyond trifling with the wing of a rabbit, cutting a morsel from a cold surloin of grouse, and drinking a single glass of _Chiaroscuro_, her breakfast was untouched.

For she had just received intelligence that, in spite of all her exertions, her FIVE HUSBANDS were again at liberty!

“Oh! why did they not all perish?” she sobbed. “I have tried to get rid of them over and over again by every species of assassination, but now I am tired of _mild_ measures. I must do something DESPERATE!”

So she summoned that ubiquitous detective officer, Inspector Weasel, who, from any quarter of the globe, would come by telegraph to obey her slightest word.

“Weasel” she said “I can endure this no longer, I have made a resolve. By the tyrannical laws of this hateful country, my _quintette_ of husbands have been allowed to keep the marriage certificates. Once in possession of _them_, I could defy the world. If you value my peace or your own, you must get them for me.”

“I will,” replied the all accomplished detective and he set about it at once.

First, to pursue the fugitive Dr. Marchmont, “Ah” murmured the Detective “my experience tells me that when a fellow on the bolt says he is going to one place, he is certain to set off in exactly the opposite direction. Let me see,” And he carefully examined his Government survey of the World.

* * * * *

Inspector Weasel hastened to the Snoozington Railway Station.

“What time does the next train start for Kamtschatka?” “At 6.85,” was the reply.

The detective chafed with impatience. Two minutes to wait! It seemed an eternity-and-a-half to him! At length the train arrived and the detective jumped up behind the Engine Driver. “Off we go!” he cried, “bother stations, and signals, and all that sort of thing, never mind bursting the engine, or blowing up the passengers. I’m in a hurry!”

――――:o:――――

THE POLITE LETTER WRITER.

At the distribution of prizes to the art classes at Chesterfield in November, 1880, the secretary read a communication purporting to come from Mr. John Ruskin, in answer to one asking him to give them a lecture. It was as follows:――

“Harlesden, London, Friday.

“My dear Sir,――Your letter reaches me here. I have just
returned from Venice, where I have ruminated in the
pasturages of the home of art; the loveliest and holiest of
lovely and holy cities, where the very stones cry out,
eloquent in the elegancies of Iambics. I could not if I
would go to Chesterfield, and I much doubt whether I would
go if I could. I do not hire myself out――after the fashion
of a brainless long tongued puppet――for filthy ducats. You,
and those who told you to write me, want me, I presume, to
come that you may make money for your art class; and if I
should get you much money, you will then tolerate some good
advice from me. No, I will not come.

“I have heard of Chesterfield. Hath it not a
steeple-abomination, and is it not the home――if not the
cradle――of that arch abomination-creator, Stephenson? To him
are we indebted for the screeching and howling and shrieking
fiends fit only for a Pandemonium, called locomotives, that
disfigure the loveliest spots of God’s own land.

“I will not come to Chesterfield. Tell your students that
art is a holy luxury, and they must pay for it. Tell them to
study, to ponder, and to work with a single thought for
perfection, observing loving and strict obedience to the
monitions of their teacher. Let them learn to do things
rightly and humbly, and then, by the conviction that they
can never do them as well as they have been done by others,
they may be profited.

“My good young people, this is pre-eminently the
foolishest――yes, quite the foolishest――notion that you can
get into your empty little egg-shells of heads; that you can
be a Titian, or a Raphael, or a Phidias; or that you can
write like Seneca. But because you cannot be great, that is
no reason why you should not aspire to greatness. In joy,
humility, and humbleness, work together. Only don’t study
art because it will pay, and do not ask for payment because
you study art. Art will make you all wiser and happier, and
is worth paying for. If you are in debt――as I suppose you
are, or why pester me?――pay off your debts yourselves. If
you write to me only that you may get money, you are on the
foolishest of all errands. Wisdom is more precious than
rubies, and is offered to you as a blessing in herself. She
is the reward of industry, kindness and modesty. She is the
prize of prizes, the strength of your life now, and an
earnest of the life that is to come. This advice is better
than money, and I give it to you gratis. Ponder it and
profit by it.――Ever faithfully yours,

JOHN RUSKIN.”

Many were the comments which this letter, widely published, as it was, created; for scarcely any one doubted the authenticity of the letter addressed to Chesterfield, a name which recals that of a celebrated Earl who also wrote letters, but _his_ were on the art of politeness.

But a few days afterwards Mr. Ruskin denied that he had composed the epistle; it is, therefore, only of interest now as so clever a parody of his style that the whole London press was deceived by it. The following letter, however, was certainly genuine. In June 1886, a circular was addressed to Mr. Ruskin appealing for subscriptions towards extinquishing the debt of the Baptist Church at Richmond, to which he replied:――

SIR,――I am sorrowfully amused at your appeal to me, of all
people in the world the precisely least likely to give you a
farthing. My first word to all men and boys who care to hear
me is “Don’t get into debt. Starve, and go to heaven; but
don’t borrow. Try first begging. I don’t mind, if it’s
really needful, stealing. But don’t buy things you can’t pay
for.” And of all manner of debtors, pious people building
churches they can’t pay for are the most detestable nonsense
to me. Can’t you preach and pray behind the hedges, or in a
sandpit, or in a coal-hole first? And of all manner of
churches thus idiotically built, iron churches are the
damnablest to me. And of all the sects and believers in any
ruling spirit, Hindoos, Turks, Feather Idolators, and Mumbo
Jumbo Log and Fire Worshippers, who want churches, your
modern English Evangelical sect is the most absurd and
entirely objectionable and unendurable to me. All which you
might very easily have found out from my books. Any other
sort of sect would, before bothering me to write it to
them.――Ever, nevertheless, and in all this saying, your
faithful servant,

JOHN RUSKIN.

Having enumerated the most important parodies of our great novelists, and given such extracts as the limits of space would permit, it only remains to mention such other prose parodies of works of fiction, which are either of less merit in themselves, or mimic authors of less importance than those already dealt with. This list can only be approximately complete, as there are hundreds of such parodies buried away in the back numbers of the Magazines and Comic Journals.

W. Harrison Ainsworth.

_The Age of Lawn Tennis._ A fragment after Harrison Ainsworth’s
“Rookwood.” See _Tennis Cuts and Quips_.

_Old Temple Bar_; by W, Harrissing Ainsworth. See _The Puppet
Showman’s Album_.

_Blueacre._ A Romance, by W. Harrising Painsworth. See _Our
Miscellany_, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.

William Black.

_In Silk Attire._ By W――――m B――――k. See _The Tomahawk_, July 17, 1869.

There was also a parody of Mr. Black, in _The World_.

_A Princess of Lundy._ By W――――m B――――k. See _Ben D’Ymion and other
Novelettes_, by H. F. Lester. London, Swan Sonnenschein & Co., 1887.

This volume also contains:――

_Muddlemarsh_, by George Eliot.
_The Portrait of a Hybrid_, by Henry James.
_A Rustic Zenobia_, by Thomas Hardy.
_James Fribblesaint_, by J. H Shorthouse.

Countess of Blessington.

_Portraits of Children of the Mobility_, drawn from Nature, with
Memoirs and Characteristic Sketches by the Author of the “Comic
English Grammar” (Gilbert A. à Beckett), plates by John Leech.
London, 1841.

A remarkably clever parody upon a publication entitled “Children of
the Nobility,” issued under the auspices of the Countess of
Blessington, the first Edition of which is scarce.

Charlotte Brontë.

_Miss Mix._ By Charlotte Brontë. See _Sensation Novels Condensed_,
by Bret Harte.

Miss Braddon.

_Selina Sedilia._ By Miss M. E. Braddon and Mrs. Henry Wood. See
_Sensation Novels Condensed_, by Bret Harte.

Miss Rhoda Broughton.

_Gone Wrong._ A new Novel by Miss Rhody Dendron,
Authoress of “Cometh down like a Shower,” “Red in
the Nose is She,” etc.

By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, & Co, 1881.

Colonel F. Burnaby.

THE _Ride to Khiva_. By F. C. Burnand. London,
Bradbury, Agnew & Co, 1879. This burlesque of
Colonel Burnaby’s A _Ride to Khiva_ originally appeared
in _Punch_.

Samuel Butler.

_The Irish Hudibras_, or Fingallian Prince. 1689.

_The Whigs’ Supplication_; or, Scotch Hudibras, a mock Poem. By
Samuel Colville. First published in 1681, there have since been
several editions.

_The Lentiad_; or, Peter the Pope pommelled and Pounded with a
Hudibrastic Cudgel. Edited by Rev. John Allan. (Violently
Anti-Catholic.) London, William Freeman, 1863.

_Butler’s Ghost_; or Hudibras, the fourth part, with reflections
upon these times. Tom D’Urfey. 1682.

_The Modern Hudibras_, a poem in three cantos. By George Linley.
London, J. C. Hotten, 1864.

“Cœlebs in search of a Wife.”

_Cœlebs Deceived_, a Novel. 1817.

_Celia in search of a Husband_, by a Modern Antique. 1809.

Miguel Cervantes.

A Chapter from the Book called _The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote
de la Mancha_, which by some mischance has not till now been
printed. London, George Redway, 1887.

(A curious dissertation on the literature of the Occult Sciences.)

_Don Quixote_; or, the Knight of the woeful Countenance. A Romantic
Drama, in two acts. By George Almar, Surrey Theatre London, April 8,
1833. (Dicks).

Don Quixote was also dramatised at the Alhambra Theatre, London, a
few years ago.

Wilkie Collins.

_The Moonstone and Moonshine_, after Wilkie Collins. This parody
appeared in _The Mask_, London, August 1868.

_No Title_, by Wilkie Collins. See _Sensation Novels Condensed_, by
Bret Harte.

Thomas Day.

_The New History of Sandford and Merton._ Being a True Account of
the Adventures of “Masters Tommy and Harry,” with their Beloved
Tutor, “Mr. Barlow.” By F. C. Burnand, with 76 Illustrations by
Linley Sambourne.

London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co. 1871.

Of all Mr. Burnand’s burlesques, this is probably the most humorous;
the immortal tutor prig, Mr. Barlow, the funny moral tales, and the
equally funny illustrations, can scarcely be surpassed.

Daniel Defoe.

_The New Robinson Crusoe_, an Instructive and Entertaining History
for the Children of both sexes. Thirty-two woodcuts by John Bewick.
London, 1811.

_Robinson Crusoe_ was translated into Latin by F. J. Goffaux in
1823, there are several French versions of it, the “Swiss Family
Robinson,” and one in German called “Robinson the Younger,” by J. H.
Campe.

_Robinson the Younger_, translated from the German of J. H. Campe.
Hamburg, 1781.

Benjamin Disraeli.

_Anti-Coningsby_, or the New Generation grown old. By an embryo M.P.
(Mr. W. North). 1844.

_Hythair._ By Walter Parke, Funny Folks, 1876.

_Splendimion_, or, the Asian Mystery. A Grand “Diz”-torical Romance.
By Walter Parke. _Funny Folks_, 1880.

Charles Dickens.

In the list of plays founded on his novels, given on p. 226, the
following should have been included:――

_A Christmas Carol._ By E. Stirling. Adelphi Theatre. February 5,
1844. (Barth.)

_The Chimes._ By E. Stirling, Lyceum Theatre, December, 26, 1844.

_A Christmas Carol._ By Charles Webb, (Barth.)

_Martin Chuzzlewit._ By Harry Minus, Oxford Theatre, Easter Monday,
1878, (Dicks).

These entries have been courteously supplied by Mr. T. F. Dillon
Croker.

Hugh Conway.

_Much Darker Days._ By A. Huge Longway, author of “Scrawled Black,”
“Unbound,” etc.

London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1884. Anonymous, preface signed A.
H. L.

A later edition of this parody of Hugh Conway’s _Dark Days_ was
published in 1885, with an apologetic Preface.

_Hauled Back, by his Wife._ By Ugo Gone-away Hugaway. (Anonymous)
London, J. and R. Maxwell, 1885.

Henry Fielding.

_The History of Tom Jones the Foundling, in his Married State_,
London, 1750.

_Tom Jones_, a Comic Opera, as performed at Covent Garden Theatre,
the words by Joseph Reed.

_Tom Jones_ was also dramatised by Robert Buchanan, as well as
_Joseph Andrews_, the title of which he changed to _Joseph’s
Sweetheart_.

Mrs. Gore.

_Mammon’s Marriage_, by Mrs. Bore. See _The Shilling Book of
Beauty_, by Cuthbert Bede.

Fergus W. Hume.

A BLOOD CURDLING ROMANCE.

_The Mystery of a Wheelbarrow_; or, Gaboriau Gaborooed. By W. Humer
Ferguson. London, Walter Scott, 1888. A parody of _The Mystery of a
Hansom Cab_, by Fergus W. Hume, of Melbourne, Australia.

G. P. R. James.

_The Page._ A Romaunt from English history, by Gustavus Penny Royal
Jacobus. See _Our Miscellany_, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.

_The Passage of Prawns._ A Tale of Picardy, by George Prince Regent
James. See _The Puppet Showman’s Album_.

_In Cruikshank’s Almanac_ for 1846, will be found an article
entitled “Hints to Novelists,” in which short imitations are given
of G. P. R. James, C. Dickens, and Fennimore Cooper.

_Barbazure_, by G. P. R. Jeames, Esq. See _Novels by Eminent Hands_,
by W. M. Thackeray. (These originally appeared in _Punch_.)

_Magnum of Burgundy._ A Romance of the Fronde. See _A Bowl of
Punch_, by Albert Smith.

_The Robber of Idleburg_, by Walter Parke. See _The Comic News_,
London. 1864.

Charles Lever.

_Phil. Fogarty._ A Tale of the Fighting Onety-oneth. By Harry
Rollicker. See _Novels by Eminent Hands_, by W. M. Thackeray.

_Terence Deuville_, by Charles L――v――r. See _Sensation Novels
Condensed_, by Bret Harte.

_Tom Kinnahan_, or the Frays and Fights of a Horse Marine. By
Charles Heaver, author of the “Confessions of Larry Jollycur,” etc.
See _The Puppet Showman’s Album_.

Lord Lytton.

_The Wrongful Heir_; or, What will they do with him? A Strange
Story. By Walter Parke. _Judy_, 1869.

Baron Munchausen.

_The Travels and Surprising adventures of Baron Munchausen._ First
English Edition Oxford, 1786.

There can be little doubt but what this amusing piece of nonsense
was written to ridicule certain German memoirs, some say those of
Baron de Tott, others say those of Baron Von Trenck. The authorship
of the work was also the subject of dispute, but it is now generally
ascribed to G. A. Bürger, the German poet, who died in 1794.

In 1792 there appeared _A Sequel to the Adventures of Baron
Munchausen_ which was _humbly dedicated_ to Mr. Bruce, the
celebrated Abyssinian traveller.

_The Surprising, Unheard of, and Never-to-be-surpassed Adventures of
Young Munchausen_, related and illustrated by C. H. Bennett. In
twelve “Stories.” London, Routledge & Co., 1865.

This originally appeared in Routledge’s _Every Boy’s Annual_.

“Ouida.” (Louise de la Ramée.)

_Blue Blooded Bertie_, or under two fires. A serial burlesque of
Ouida’s “Under Two Flags,” by Walter Parke. _Funny Folks_, 1875.

Samuel Pepys.

_The Diary of Samuel Pepys Esq._, while an undergraduate at
Cambridge. With notes and appendix. Cambridge: Jonathan Palmer,
1864. This clever parody ran through several Editions, it was
thought to be the production of Mr. Cooke, a student of Emanuel
College, Cambridge.

_Mr. Pips, hys Diary._ Manners and Customs of ye English, 1849. By
Percival Leigh, with illustrations by Richard Doyle.

_The University Commission_, or, Lord John Russell’s Postbag,
containing Mister Anthony Pepys his Diary, he being a member of the
said Commission. Oxford, W. Baxter, 1850.

(Written in the style of Pepys’ Diary.)

Charles Reade.

_Chikkin Hazard._ A Novel by Charles Readit and Dion Bounceycore.
This parody on _Fowl Play_, written by Mr. F. C. Burnand, first
appeared in _Punch_, it was afterwards issued in book form by
Bradbury, Agnew & Co., 1881.

Sir Walter Scott.

_Rebecca and Rowena._ A sequel to _Ivanhoe_. By W. M. Thackeray.

_Pontefract Castle_, a novel attributed to Sir W. Scott. Contained
in _Tales of my Landlord_, new series, published in 1820.

Sir Walter Scott formally disavowed this work at the end of his
introduction to “The Monastery,” 1830.

_Waverley._ An abridged edition was published by Knight and Lacy,
London, 1827, with the title page “Novels, Tales, and Romances” by
Sir Walter Scott, abridged and illustrated by _Sholto Percy_. This
appears to have been a gross piracy.

_Moredun_: A tale of the Twelve Hundred and Ten, by W. S. This was
published in 1855, as a newly discovered Waverley novel.

_Walladmor._ (2 vols. 1855). A Novel, by De Quincey, which purported
to be “Freely translated into German from the English of Sir Walter
Scott, and now freely translated from the German into English.” It
appears that German readers were actually hoaxed into the belief
that this novel was by Scott.

Hawley Smart.

_What’s the Odds?_ or, The Dumb Jockey of Teddington. A sporting
novel by Major Jawley Sharp.

By F. C. Burnand, London, Bradbury and Co., 1879.

(This originally appeared in _Punch_.)

Horace Smith.

_Whitehall; or, the Days of George IV._ Dedicated to Sir Edmund
Nagle, K.C.B. London. W. Marsh, 1827.

Horace Smith, one of the authors of _Rejected Addresses_, wrote a
number of historical novels, most of which are now entirely
forgotten. One of these was called _Brambletye House_, to ridicule
which Dr. William Maginn wrote _Whitehall_.

“The author’s object,” said the _Quarterly Review_, in January 1828,
“is to laugh down the Brambletye House species of novel; and for
this purpose we are presented with such an historical romance as an
author of Brambletye House, flourishing in Barbadoes 200 or 2,000
years hence, we are not certain which, nor is the circumstance of
material moment, might fairly be expected to compose of and
concerning the personages, manners, and events of the age and
country in which we live * * * * The book is, in fact, a series of
parodies upon unfortunate Mr. Horace Smith,――and it is paying the
author no compliment to say that his mimicry (with all its
imperfections) deserves to outlive the ponderous original.”

But _Whitehall_ is itself, almost as heavy and as tedious, as the
work it parodies.

Robert Louis Stevenson.

_The strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde_, by Robert Louis
Stevenson. This weird and powerful story was dramatised by Mr. T.
Russell Sullivan, and produced at the Lyceum Theatre in August 1888,
Mr. Richard Mansfield performed the two title parts.

Another, but very inferior version, was brought out at the Opera
Comique, London, by Mr. Bandmann about the same time, which the
critics very unkindly laughed at as a ridiculous burlesque. Legal
proceedings, however, soon compelled Mr. Bandmann to withdraw his
unfortunate adaptation, and hurriedly close the theatre.

_The Strange case of the Prime Minister and Mr. Muldoon_, by Arthur
Law, (London, 1886) was a sixpenny political pamphlet written to
ridicule the Earl of Granville, Lord Hartington, Mr. Parnell and Mr.
Gladstone.

The best thing in it was the following little parody:――

“You are old, father William,” the young man said,
“You are not far off eighty, I ween;
And yet you can speak for an hour or two
And no one find out what you mean.”
“In my youth,” father William replied to his son,
“All my scruples I laid on the shelf;
And now to drag from me a plain yes or no
Would puzzle the devil himself.”

_The Pirate’s Hand._ A Romance of Heredity. By the Author of “The
Strange case of Doctor Shuffle and Mister Glyde.” London, “Judy”
office, 1888.

Jonathan Swift.

_Hints to Servants_; being a poetical and modernised version of Dean
Swift’s celebrated “Directions to Servants.” By an Upper Servant.
1843.

Swift himself wrote some burlesques, amongst them one in prose, _A
Meditation on a Broomstick_, in imitation of the style of the Hon.
Robert Boyle’s Meditations.

His witty _Directions to Servants_, and _The Polite and Ingenious
Conversations_, satirical and frequently indecent as they are, are
also burlesques of their topics, treated in a very original manner.

Various imitations of the _Directions to Servants_ have been
written.

Swift’s _Tale of a Tub Reversed_ for the universal improvement of
mankind. 1750.

_Gulliver Revived_; or, the Vice of Lying properly Exposed,
containing singular travels, campaigns, adventures, &c. by Baron
Munchausen, also, a _Sequel to the Adventures_ dedicated to Bruce,
the Abyssinian Traveller. 1789-92.

_Lilliput_, being a new journey to that celebrated island, with an
account of the manners, customs, &c., of those famous little people,
by Lemuel Gulliver, 1766.

A political skit. The names are thinly disguised by the
transposition of letters.

_Voyage to Locuta_; a Fragment, with etchings and notes of
illustrations. By Lemuel Gulliver Junr. London, J. Hatchard 1818. A
curious little grammatical work written in the form of an allegory,
and as a sequel to Gulliver’s travels. (Scarce).

_Gulliver and Munchausen outdone_, by Peter Vangergoose. London,
1807.

W. M. Thackeray.

_The Coachman, the Cook, and their Prodigy the Page._ By Wm.
Breakpeace Thwackaway.

See _The Shilling Book of Beauty_. This parody was written by the
late J. H. Friswell.

_Mrs. Tippikens’ Yellow Velvet Cape._ By W. M. Thwackaway. (With an
illustration by the author).

See _The Puppet Showman’s Album_. This little brochure also contains
prose imitations of Lytton, G. P. R. James, B. Disraeli, C. Dickens,
Charles Lever, T. Carlyle, W. H. Ainsworth, Douglas Jerrold, W. S.
Landor, Mrs. Trollope, J. W. Croker and Albert Smith, most of which
have already been quoted.

Anthony Trollope.

_The Beadle!_ or, the Latest Chronicle of Small-Beerjester, by
Anthony Dollop. _Punch_, 1880.

_The Age of Lawn-Tennis._ After Anthony Trollope. See _Tennis Cuts
and Quips_. London, Field and Tuer.

Edmund Yates.

_Ba! Ba! Black Sheep._ An imitation, with a portrait of Mr. Yates,
appeared in _The Mask_. London. June, 1868.

――――:o:――――

_Guy Dyingstone_, or the Muscular Patrician. A burlesque Novel by Walter Parke. _Funny Folks_, 1875.

_Guy Deadstone._ Another burlesque of “Guy Livingstone,” by the same author, appeared in _Judy_, 1869.

_The Desperado of the Wilderness_: or, The Maid, the Murderer, and the Demon Huntsman of Ashantee. This was a thrilling narrative of the “Boys of England” type, it appeared in Gleanings from “The Blue” 1881.

_Our Boys Novelist_, being stories of Wild Sport for the Youths of all Nations, with illustrations of the correctly exaggerated type by Harry Furniss, appeared in _Punch_, 1882.

――――

THE APPROACH OF WINTER.

――――pull up the wicket and the stake,
And put by the mallet and the ball;
For no more Croquet will be played this year,
It’s getting much too late in the fall.

PROGRAMMES AND PROCESSIONS.

YE ANNUALE WHYTEBAITE DINNER
OF
HYR MAJESTYE’S MINISTERS,
On WEDNESDAIE, ye 14th AUGUST, 1878,
Atte ye Hostelrie yclept
Ye SHIPPE, atte GREENWICHE.

This Bille of ye Fare is drawn in playne Englysh, without any cloake of Frenche or other foreygne tongue, for the sadde and sobere comforte of frendes, and that ye maye know what ye are asked to accept.

YE BILLE OF YE FARE.

Ye Soupe.
Soupe made from ye Turtle, and alsoe
Soupe made from ye Greene Fatte of ye same.

Ye Fyshe.
Ye Flounders curyously cooked, and
Salmonne servyd inne lyke mannere.
Ryssoles of ye Lobstere.
Ye lyttel Soles, fryed.
Ye Pudynges of ye Whyting.
Ye Eles skynned and stewed inne ye riche wyne of Oporto.
Ye Omelette of Crabbe inne ye style as servyd to
ye Guardes of ye _Blue Seale_.
Ye Troute from ye River Spey, grylled with ye sauce of Tartar.
Salmonne inne collopes, with ye sauce inne ye Cyprus fashonne.

Ye Whytebaite, be-frizzled, and alsoe be-devylled.

Fleshe and Fowle.
Sweetbreades with ye Mushroomes added thereunto.
Ye Haunche of ye Royale Bucke, with Haricotte
Beans servyd therewith.
Ye Antient Hamme, from ye Citye of Yorke,
grylled inne wyne of Champagne.
Ye Grouse from ye Northe Countree.
Hogge Bacone and younge Beanes.

Ye Sweetes, &c.
Apprycottes flavoured with Noyau.
Pudynges iced, after ye Nesselrode mannere.
Lyttel Cakes made with ye Cheese from Parma, inne Italie.
Ye Ices flavoured with Oranges and Strauberres.

Divers Fruytes which are your Desertes, and ye
Wynes of Champagne and manie outlandysh countrees.

Ye Dinner will be servyd after ye mannere of ye Russian people.

Ye Guestes are bydden to eate after ye Hungarie mannere.

W. T. BALE, Mastere.

――――:o:――――

Miss Louisa Alcorn, a musical lady of New York, gave a dinner to a party of operatic friends. Here is the _menu_:――

Overture of Blue points.
Soup with vermicelli obligato.
Crabs al largo.
Andante of Veal.
Maccaroni scherzo.
Gavotte of Pork and Beans.
Pepper Sauce allegretto.
Roast Beef maestoso.
Tomato torcata, and bourrée of Yorkshire pudding.
Ducks with accompaniments in P.’s.
Game (in not too high a key).
A symphony in Sweets.

――――:o:――――

The following was the menu of the Capital Club dinner, held on
January 31st 1885.

MENU.

“Man shall not live by bread alone.”――Matthew iv., 4.

[Entries close at 8 o’clock. Open to all members. Start from scratch.]

OYSTERS.

Bluepoints, double geared. Fluted forks.

SOUP.

Volaille au Riz l’Allemande tra la la le.

FISH.

Red Snapper, elliptical backbone, Shrimp sauce.
Hollandaise Potatoes, tandem.

RELEVE.

Saddle of Southdown mutton, long distance.
Capon braise, a la Toulouse, not too loose.

ENTREES.

Filet de Bœuf, piqué, with laced spokes.
Cotelettes de Mouton, with power traps.
Spring Chicken, fried, with noiseless ratchets.
Quail on toast, with rat-trap pedals.
Punch, a la Cardinal, Pope M’f’g Company.

GAME.

Canvas Back Duck, buckled, with Croton Waste.
Venison, with Currant Jelly, shrunk on.
Pool, with set ups. Billiards, with ball-bearings.

SALADS.

Lobsters narrow-tread. Chicken, with gunmetal hubs.

VEGETABLES.

Green Peas, droped forged. Sweet Corn, half-nickled.
Baked Mashed Potatoes, on the dead centre.
Stewed Tomatoes, anti-friction.

DESSERT.

Tapioca Pudding, non-corrodent sauce.
Assorted Cakes, enamelled and striped.
Strawberry Ice Cream, on one wheel.
Macaroons, Invincible double section hollow rims.
Fruits, sociable. Champagne Jelly, hands-off.
Roquefort Cheese, hill climbing.

LIQUORS.

French Coffee. Aqua Pura, Glace à la Artesian.

Music by Schrœder.

――――:o:――――

PRESCRIPTION FOR FEELIN’ BAD.

iii gr. _Aquy pury_.
About ¼ pint _Whiskii Hyberniæ_.
⅛ inch _Lemoni_ } _ad discretionem._
iii dr. _Lumpi sugari_}

_Mixiter cum crusher._

_Directions for application._

Foment the interior of the mouth with ⅛ of the mixture. Shortly after use ⅛ as a gargle, the same to be washed down with the remainder forthwithly.

_The Hornet_, 1871.

――――:o:――――

_UN_-OFFICIAL PROGRAMME
OF THE
LORD MAYOR’S SHOW for 1884.

BY DEPUTY CHAFF-WAX.
(_This is much too long to be given in full_)

The Services of the City Trumpeters will be dispensed with, the Lord Mayor having signified his intention of blowing his own, for which service he is eminently qualified.

ALDERMAN SAVORY

Will enliven the March by singing scraps of Dr. Watts’ hymns.

ALDERMAN H. T. WATERLOW

(the _Alphabet_ Alderman) is to be escorted by the twenty-six electors who made him an Alderman and Magistrate for life!!!

SIR JOHN BENNETT AND ALDERMAN HADLEY

will march arm-in-arm in sack-cloth and ashes doing penance for their presumption.

The Banners of the City Knights will be emblazoned with the new device:――

“REAL TURTLE AND MOCK TITLES”

The Banner of ALDERMAN TEETOTUM WHITEHEAD bearing the Inscription

“VIDEO MELIORA PROBOQUE DETERIORA SEQUOR.”

CAPTAIN SHAW OF THE FIRE BRIGADE

will attend with his own hose, and if necessary, to restrain the enthusiastic reception of the Lord Mayor, will play upon the people.

BUMBLEDOM

Is to be represented by all the Companies and Parish Beadles and Jacks in office in London, with cocked hats, gold lace, mace, cinnamon, &c.

Banner of LORD MAYOR FOWLER,

with the device

_The motto for Liberals permit me to mention,
“Bradlaugh and Blasphemy” is my invention._

MAJOR SEWELL AND SIR T. NELSON

Will exhibit the Secret Service Cash Book.

The Splendid Banner of the League, with the device――

“WHY SHOULD LONDON WAIT,”

Borne by Messrs. Firth, Beal, Lloyd, and Phillips.

A CARTOON OF LAZARUS AND DIVES REPRESENTING

On one side――Civic Satraps dining――
On the other, “Out-cast London”――pining.

ONE POLICEMAN ARM-IN-ARM.

The City Marshall on Horseback Singing, “Let me Like a Soldier Fall.”

A DISSOLVING VIEW

of the odious Coal and Wine Dues, (The Metropolitan Board doing a Break-down.)

DEPUTY BEDFORD,

the City Wag, will join the procession at Temple Bar, where he will await it on his £12,000 Griffin.

THE WONDERFUL BILL OF THE CIVIC BANQUET WHICH COST £27,000!!!

Will be carried by the Common Councilmen who ate it, to amuse the people who paid for it.

THE SHERIFFS

will be preceded by the band of the Rueful Brigade, playing selections from Madame Hang-o’.

THE TROPHIES OF OUR COLONIES WILL BE FOLLOWED BY THE

TROPHIES OF OUR LONDON SLUMS, FOLLOWED BY NEMESIS!!

THE RT. HON. SIR WM. VERNON HARCOURT, M.P.,
Will ask the populace at every stoppage

“_If they will submit to the dictation of the Leeds Caucus and
suffer the Constitution to be tinkered at, while the heart of the
Empire is suffering from congestion_.”

THE BANNER OF THE UNION
Will be followed by the 90,000 London Paupers.

THE LATE LORD MAYOR
Will be serenaded by the Vauxhall Water Co.’s
Share-holders――“Good Night――Good Knight,” &c.

LORD MAYOR FOWLER

Will be preceded by a Herald who will announce the fact that his Lordship represents some 200 nobodies and will shine for 12 months in the reflected light of FOUR MILLIONS, but in consideration of his gentleness, dignity, and urbanity, and in the hope that he will be

THE LAST OF THE SHAMS
He must be tolerated accordingly.

This tomfoolery now will be brought to a close in a very appropriate way, sir, By Alderman Finis and Corpulent Innes, and Alderman Polly Decay Sir.

N.B.――The Chairman of the S. E. Rly. will be an hour behind time.――As usual.

――――

THE LORD MAYORS SHOW, 1884.

Mounted Police clearing five-barred gates. City Police
clearing their throats.

The Mayors of Brighton, Ramsgate, and Margate in Bathing
Machines drawn by their own Horses.

A lot of people whom nobody knows in hired flys.

THE COMPANY OF POLITICIANS.

The PREMIER, Axing his way.

Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, with Municipal Bill, arm-in-arm.
One hundred Members of the House of Peers, in morning dress.
The old Chain Pier from Brighton in full armour.
The Faithful Wimbledon, Wandsworth and Putney Commons.

THE COMPANY OF PAINTERS.

Twenty Royal Academicians, in beautiful modern costumes,
in a chariot _Drawn by Themselves_!!

THE COMPANY OF WRITERS.

Lord TENNYSON, in his Inverness cape and coronet.
Professor RUSKIN, anyhow.
A round dozen of the Incorporated Society of Authors, assorted.

THE COMPANY OF PLAYERS.

Mr. TOOLE drawing a House.
Walking Gentlemen coming slowly as “Strollers”
The Jersey Lily and Lyceum MARY, as Sandwich Girls,
carrying Somebody’s Soft Soap.

THE COMPANY OF WARRIORS.

Our Only General, in his only uniform.
Our Only Admiral, a little out of date.
Ironclads on horseback. Each mounted on an old screw.

THE COMPANY OF ROYALTIES.

Royalties on Songs, Royalties on Books, Royalties on everything.
Mr. GEORGE GROSSMITH as “The Susceptible Chancellor,”
followed by all THE JUDGES of Wine, of
Pictures, of Plays, and THE JUDGE OF THE RACE
in his own private box.

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR,
as “A Positive,” bearing banner with motto
“_Photo de Mieux_,”
In his State Robes,
Supported by the Stereoscopic Company.

The Procession will be closed by
A NEGATIVE OF THE LATE LORD MAYOR
Accompanied by a Band playing “_Love for a Year_!”

_Punch._

――――:o:――――

HOW THEY’LL OPEN THE INVENTORIES.

Massed Steel Band,
Composed of Eminent Surgeons, playing on their Surgical
Instruments.
Tune――“The Savile Row Lancers.”
Specimens of Agricultural Implements, marshalled by a
Steam Drill Master.
Steam Ploughs and their Chères, arm in arm.
Thrashing Machines following in the beaten track.
A detachment of Devonshire Hinds (hinder part before).
Delegates from the National Agricultural Labourers’
Union, bearing their own Triumphal “Arch.”
Band, playing “The Cameras are coming.”
Photographic Apparatus, focussing and swearing.
Miss Mary Anderson, drawn in a brightly-coloured “carte”
Two Negatives making a Positive.
Two Positivists taking a Negative.
A Photographic Sportsman taking a Fence.
Band, playing “The Harp that once through Tara’s
Halls,” and the Tune the old cow died of.
Cue-rious Instruments, headed by two “Jiggers.”
“P-an’-O” Boats, with sales set on the Three Years’
Hire System.
The first pair of “Lyres” ever discovered.
A Predatory Brass Band, playing “Band-ditties.”
Sample of the “Horns” originally exalted in the East.
“Cavendish,” playing “The Last Trump.”
Deputation from the “Portland,” playing little Clubs.
Mr. Charles Warner, singing his “Last Chaunts.”
Gold Band, playing “All round my hat.”
Novel Inventions three abreast.
Miss Braddon and “Ouida” inventing plots.
Padding.
Dramatists inventing Situations.
More Padding.
Hydraulic Presses collecting Water Rates.
Captive Balloonatics (with their Keepers).
Armour-plated “Monitors.” Lent by the King’s College
School authorities.
Fountains, playing Handel’s “Water Music.”
A Thames Angler, playing a Fish.
Band of Swindlers, playing False Cards.
Diplomatic Inventions à la Russe.
The latest thing in Despatches Invented by General Komaroff.
Band of Diplomatists, playing the Fool.

_Funny Folks_, May, 1885.

――――:o:――――

THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1885.

The following programme originally appeared in _The Sporting Times_, November 7, 1885. It has been found necessary to abbreviate it, partly because it was too long, and partly because it was too broad.

Next Monday this time-honoured procession will once more
perambulate the streets, squares, ponds, reservoirs, and
bars of the metropolis. Every one being sick of the
Guildhall, it will this year start from Bow Street, passing
by the stage-door of the Gaiety Theatre, proceeding through
the Gaiety grill room, into Prosser’s Avenue. The procession
will then proceed _vià_ Drury Lane Theatre to the Royal,
returning by Rules’ in Maiden Lane, down to Romano’s.
Thence, if not interfered with by the police, and still
sufficiently sober to proceed, it will march to the
Criterion, _en route_ for Hatchett’s. After that its course
is a trifle uncertain. The order of the procession will be
as follows:――

POLICE UNARMED WITH REVOLVERS.
Burglars Beating Police.
Police Armed with Revolvers.
Ambulance Waggons
Containing
Respectable Citizens shot down as Burglars.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF LUMBERERS.
Banner of the Banner of the
Punching Machine. Lord Chief Justice.
The Lumberer’s Band.

Triumphal Car depicting Early English Industries. On this
vehicle, kindly lent by the Worshipful Company of Card
Makers, will be depicted, as the procession rolls by, the
whole Art and Science of faking the broads, cutting longs
and shorts, of dealing the long hand, and abundances at
Solo.

Welshers who have passed into Tattersall’s.

Welshers who have been chucked while endeavouring to pass
into Tattersall’s.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF BAT MAKERS.

Banner of J. L. Shine. Banner of John Coleman.

BANNER OF LADY ARCHIE CAMPBELL.

The Bat Band.
_Air_: “Batti! Batti!”

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF CHILDREN PROTECTORS.
Banner of Darby. Banner of Stead.
Banner of Booth. Banner of Blobbs.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF TAPEMAKERS.

Banner of the Albert Club.
The Governor of Holloway.
The Governor of Pentonville.
Late Friends of the Governor’s on Tickets of Leave.
Present Friends of the Governor’s on Treadmills.
Aldermen who have passed the chair.
Aldermen who have passed the bottle.
Aldermen who have passed nothing.
Banner of Beecham. Banner of Cockle.
Banner bearing motto, “N. S.”
Banner bearing motto, “Refer to Drawer.”
Banner bearing motto, “No Account.”
Banner of Sewage Banner of Billingsgate
Commissioners. Fish Ring.
Banner of Mudsalad Market.
Band of Her Majesty’s Scavengers.

THE LADY MAYORESS SHIFTER
In a Brompton ’Bus,
Attended by Her Landlady.
Banner of the Gaiety Theatre Canteen.

THE LORD MAYOR.
People with People with
Aquiline Noses. Snub Noses.

TRIUMPHAL CAR, representing the Search For Chips
or
“Where is the Oofbird?”

――――:o:――――

THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1886.

(THE YEAR OF THE SOCIALIST SCARE.)

It is stated that the Lord Mayor’s Show this year will be of an entirely novel character, and will be made up somewhat like this:――

THE CITY MARSHAL,
On horseback, glued to the saddle for the sake of safety.

DETACHMENT OF THE LIGHT CAVALRY OF THE VERY ANCIENT
AND STILL MORE HONOURABLE ARTILLERY COMPANY,
Dismounted for fear of accidents.

THE CHIEF COMMISSIONER OF THE CITY POLICE,
Escorted by a detachment of the Social Democratic Federation.

BANNER OF THE UNEMPLOYED.

BAND OF THE UNITED ORDER OF GERMAN MUSICIANS.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF CITY GORGERS.

BANNER OF CHARLES HARRIS, ESQ.
CHARLES HARRIS, ESQ.,
Seated on a triumphal car.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF SCENE SHIFTERS.
BAND OF THE ROYAL HORSE MARINES. (GREEN).
ALDERMEN WHO HAVE PASSED THE BOTTLE.
ALDERMEN WHO HAVE NOT PASSED THE BOTTLE,
But have preferred to keep it near them.
BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF LOAN MONGERS.

BANNER OF COMMISSIONER KERR.
BAND OF THE ROYAL DISMOUNTED INFANTRY.
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR’S CARRIAGE,
Containing the Sword and Mace Bearers, the Lord Mayor
being absent on other business.

ESCORT OF THE ROYAL HORSE MARINES. (GREEN).

RAG.
TAG.
BOBTAIL.

It has been considered advisable to omit the scriptural quotations from the following reprint:――

COPY OF A BILL WRITTEN BY THE LATE
REV. ROWLAND HILL,
which was stuck up at
RICHMOND,
On SATURDAY, 4th of June, 1774, close to the Play Bill
for that day.
The design was to divert the minds of the gay and dissipated,
from the vain amusements of the
THEATRE
And to fix their attention on the awful circumstances which
shall usher in, and succeed,
“The Great and Terrible Day of the Lord.”
――――
BY COMMAND OF the KING OF KINGS,
and at the desire of all who love his appearing.
At the
THEATRE OF THE UNIVERSE
on the Eve of time, will be performed
THE GREAT ASSIZE
or
DAY OF JUDGMENT,
――――

THE SCENERY

Which is now actually preparing, will not only surpass
everything that has yet been seen, but will infinitely
exceed the utmost stretch of human conception. There will be
a just REPRESENTATION of ALL THE INHABITANTS of the WORLD,
in their various and proper colours; and their costumes and
manners will be so exact, and so minutely delineated, that
the most secret thought will be discovered.

This THEATRE will be laid out after a new plan,
and will consist of

PIT & GALLERY

only; and contrary to all others, the GALLERY is fitted up
for the reception of Persons of High (or Heavenly) Birth,
and the PIT for those of Low (or Earthly) Rank. N.B.――The
GALLERY is very spacious, and the PIT without bottom.

To prevent inconvenience, there are separate doors for
admitting the company; and they are so different that none
can mistake that are not wilfully blind. The Door which
opens into the GALLERY is very narrow, and the steps up to
it somewhat difficult: for which reason there are seldom
many people about it. But the Door that gives entrance into
the PIT is very commodious: which causes such numbers to
flock to it that it is generally crowded. N.B.――The straight
Door leads towards the right hand, and the broad one to the
left. It will be in vain for one in a tinselled coat and
borrowed language to personate one of HIGH BIRTH in order to
get admittance into the upper places, for there is One of
wonderful and deep penetration who will search and examine
every individual and all who cannot pronounce SHIBBOLETH in
the language of _Canaan_, or has not received a white stone
and a new name, or cannot prove a clear title to a certain
portion of the LAND OF PROMISE, must be turned in at the
left door.

ACT FIRST.

of this grand and solemn piece will be opened by
AN ARCHANGEL WITH THE TRUMP OF GOD!!!

ACT SECOND.

PROCESSION OF SAINTS

In white, with Golden Harps, accompanied with Shouts of
Joy and Songs of Praise.

ACT THIRD.

AN ASSEMBLAGE OF ALL THE UNREGENERATE, THE MUSIC will
chiefly consist of Cries, accompanied with WEEPING, WAILING,
MOURNING, LAMENTATION, and WOE.

To conclude with an oration by

THE SON OF GOD.

After which the Curtain will drop.

TICKETS for the PIT, at the easy purchase of following the
pomps and vanities of the Fashionable World, and the desires
and amusements of the Flesh, to be had at every
Flesh-pleasing Assembly.

TICKETS for the GALLERY, at no less rate than being
converted, forsaking all, denying self, taking up the Cross,
and following Christ in the Regeneration. To be had no where
but in the word of God, and where that word appoints.

N.B.――No money will be taken at the door, nor will any
Tickets give admittance into the Gallery but those sealed by
the Lamb.

COMPANY PROSPECTUSES.

Of late years the British public has been surfeited with the Prospectuses of new Limited Liability Companies; needy Lords and retired officers have been in great request for the Boards of Directors, they being precisely the two classes of men least likely to have any knowledge of business, or experience in commercial affairs.

Some of these Prospectuses have been so ridiculous in themselves that they read like burlesques, but numbers of amusing parodies of Company Prospectuses have also been published.

One of the best and earliest of these appeared in _Blackwood’s Magazine_, October 1845 during the great Railway Mania. It was written by Professor Aytoun, and was styled “How we got up the Glenmutchin Railway, and how we got out of it.”

This detailed the inception of a bogus Scotch Railway, and the prospectus of the _Direct Glenmutchin Railway_, with a list of the Directors, is one of the finest pieces of humorous writing in the language.

Another amusing parody was brought out some years ago, namely “The Gott-up Hotel Company, Limited,” with Sir Titus A. Drum, Baronet, as Chairman of the Directors.

When the Crown Prince of Portugal visited London in 1883, he went to Claridge’s Hotel, as he had not been invited to any of the Royal Palaces, this caused _Mr. Punch_ to issue the following:――

PROMISING PROSPECTUS.

THE ROYAL AND IMPERIAL HOMELESS AND WANDERING
VISITORS HOTEL COMPANY (LIMITED).

The Directors of this unique and magnificently conceived
enterprise, undertaken with a view to supplying that now
long experienced National want, a suitable palatial
residence for Princes and Potentates found wandering in
search of a fitting domicile about the back streets of the
Metropolis, have much pleasure in informing their intended
august Patrons, that their perfectly-appointed establishment
will shortly open under the direction of a well-known and
experienced retired Central-European Monarch, whose
distinguished services they have had the honour to secure.

The following (extracted from the Company’s Abridged
Prospectus) comprise a few of the leading features of the
new establishment:――

The building will stand on a convenient and imposing site
judiciously selected in the immediate vicinity of the
Metropolitan District Railway Station, St. James’s Park,
and within easy access of the Aquarium, Westminster
Bridge, the House of Detention, and the Foreign Office.

There will be no lettered name or title on the _façade_ of
the new Hotel, which will, with the object of giving rise
to a pleasing illusion, be specially designed by the
architect to resemble as far as possible that of a not far
distant and generally unoccupied Royal Palace.

A trained and certificated Diplomatist, who can speak
several European languages fluently, will be permanently
attached to the staff of the establishment, and will give
his services gratis.

A couple of effective Sentry Boxes will also be placed at
the principal entrance, and occupied permanently by two of
the Company’s Private Soldiers, who, dressed in the
correct uniform of HER MAJESTY’S Foot Guards, will be
efficiently drilled for their duty.

Gold Sticks in Waiting will attend in the Hall for the
purpose of receiving Royal and Imperial Visitors. They
will also, if desired to do so, precede them to their
respective apartments, walking backwards up-stairs for a
small extra charge.

The general scheme of the establishment will include several
public Throne and Reading Rooms, A Privy Council Chamber,
Gala Banquet Hall, and a series of excellent Billiard and
Abdication Tables by the best makers.

In order to meet the requirements of august personages who
desire to be surrounded at a reasonable cost with such State
accessories as are proper to their dignity and position, the
subjoined Tariff of Prices has been carefully arranged by
the Management, in the hope that it will be found not
incompatible with a charge on the most moderate civil
list:――

TARIFF.

Private Royal or Imperial Sitting-Room
(per day) 5_s._ to 7_s_ 6_d._
(Ditto, ditto, with throne, 2_s._ 6_d._ extra.)

Ditto Bed-Room (exclusive of light) 3_s._ to 6_s._

State Imperial ditto, with half-tester
velvet canopy 8_s._

Double-bedded ditto (suitable for two Emperors) 14_s._

Breakfast, consisting of Tea or Coffee, with
cold Meat, broiled Ham, or Eggs 2_s._ 6_d._

Ditto, ditto, with full Military Band outside 3_s._

Chop or Steak, with potatoes 1_s._ 6_d._

Ditto, ditto, with Salvos of Artillery
at intervals 1_s._ 9_d._

State Dinner of Soup, or Fish, _Entrées_, Joint,
with Cheese and Celery 3_s._ 6_d._

Ditto, ditto, including Toast-Master and Musical
Grace 5_s._

Ditto, ditto, in Uniform, at High Table (if
singly) 1_s._ extra.

Gas Illumination on Exterior of Sitting-Room,
according to device (per evening)
From 2_s._ to 10_s._ 6_d._

Cup of Tea 4_d._

Ditto, on Throne 6_d._

Two Lancers to attend Cab or Carriage to
Theatre or Reception (for first hour) 1_s._
For each succeeding hour 6_d._

Daily crowd (with cheers), on entering or leaving hotel, by
contract.

Strictest attention paid to the slightest International
prejudices.

An _ultimatum_ always ready on the premises.

_Punch_, December 22, 1883.

――――:o:――――

A few extracts from the
PROSPECTUS OF THE HORSE SHOE HOTEL,
Tottenham Court Road, London.

This hotel was built and arranged for the special comfort
and convenience of the travelling public.

On arrival, each guest will be asked how he likes the
situation, and if he says the hotel ought to have been
placed nearer the park or railway station, the location of
the house will be immediately changed. Front rooms, on first
floor, for each guest.

Bath, gas, hot and cold water, laundry, telegraph, fire
escape, restaurant, bar-room, billiard tables, daily papers,
sewing machine, grand piano, a clergyman, and all other
modern conveniences in every room.

Meals every minute if desired. Waiters of any desired
nationality.

Every waiter furnished with a libretto, button-hole
bouquets, full dress suits, theatre tickets, the latest
tips, and his hair parted down the middle. Every guest will
have the best seat in the dining hall, and the best waiter
in the house.

Any guest not getting his breakfast red hot, or experiencing
a delay of fifteen seconds after giving his order for
dinner, will please mention the fact at the Manager’s
Office, and the cooks and waiters will at once be blown by
Her Majesty’s Horse Guards from the mouth of the cannon.

Children will be welcomed with delight, and are requested to
bring hoop-sticks and jack-knives, to bang and hack the
carved rosewood furniture, specially provided for the
purpose; they will be allowed to thump the piano at all
hours, fall down stairs, scream and yell to their heart’s
content, carry away dessert enough for a small family in
their pockets at dinner, and make themselves otherwise as
agreeable and entertaining as the fondest mother can desire.
Washing underlinen allowed in all the drawing-rooms.

A discreet waiter, who belongs to the Masons, Odd Fellows,
and Women’s Suffrage, and who was never known to tell the
truth, has been employed to carry milk punches and hot
toddies to the ladies’ rooms in the evening.

The office clerk has been carefully selected to please
everybody, and can play unlimited loo, match worsteds at the
shop round the corner, toss for drinks at any hour, day or
night, play billiards, a good waltzer, amuse the children,
is a good judge of horses, as a railroad reference is far
superior to the A B C, Bradshaw’s, or anybody else’s guide,
will flirt with any young lady, and not mind being cut dead
when “Pa comes down,” don’t mind being damned any more than
the Regent’s Canal, can put forty people into the best room
in the house when the hotel is full, and answer questions in
Greek, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language,
at the same moment, without turning a hair.

Dogs allowed in any room in the house, including the w(h)ine
room. Gentlemen can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble, tell
shady stories, stare at the new arrivals, or indulge in any
other innocent amusements in any part of the hotel.

The landlord will always be happy to hear that some other
hotel is “the best in the country,” and that his is the very
worst.

――――:o:――――

Dear Jack.

Enclosed Draft Prospectus was got up by one of our “sinners,”[56] and as just now the public will buy any mortal thing, I seriously believe there is coin in the idea. Send the manuscript to the printer, just as it stands, and tell him to set it up and send a few pulls, marked “Private――First Proof,” which I will pass round and get licked into shape.

Yours, old fellow,
Peter Preemium.

P.S.――Keep it quiet.

THE QUILL TOOTHPICK ATTACHMENT COMPANY, LIMITED.

Messrs LAYIT ONTHICK & CO., offer for subscription the undermentioned Capital:

(The subscription list will open on Saturday next at Four o’clock in the afternoon, and will close at five minutes past Nine on Monday morning.)

Ordinary Shares, £10 each £5,000,000
Preference 6 per cent. Shares, £10 each £4,500,000
――――――――――
Total Share Capital £9,500,000
Debenture Stock bearing interest at
5 per cent. (redeemable at the
Company’s option up to the expiration
of twenty years from the first
of April next (1887) at 110 per
cent.) £3,000,000
――――――――――
£12,500,000
===========

“One-half of the ordinary Shares is reserved for the Vendor, who will hold as long as it suits his convenience, and the remainder, together with the Preference Shares and Debenture Stock, are now offered severally for public subscription at par.

THE QUILL TOOTHPICK ATTACHMENT COMPANY, LIMITED,

has been formed to supply the whole world with Quill Toothpicks, the interiors of which will be charged with hydraulically compressed drinks, such as the stout of Guinness, the ale of Bass, the champagne of , the whiskey of , the port of , and the sherry of .

_Might charge these as advertisements, say £25 each, and
cheap enough at the money._

By means of a new forcing machine, which the vendor is now trying to invent, he thinks that a quart of Guinness or a bottle of Champagne can be readily compressed into the interior of a Toothpick, and when in the mouth the contents will be gently and gradually released by the touch of a spring. The Tea of , and the Coffee of will be stored in a similar manner. The Company will grant Royalties to Temperance Societies.

_Try Cooper Cooper & Co., and that tinned French Coffee chap――I forget his name――for advertisement. If you can, get some soft soap into the prospectus, Pears’ should be safe for at least £100._

The advantages of the Quill Toothpick Attachment must be apparent to the meanest capacity. For instance, a man is invited out to dine, and finds himself in danger of being poisoned. He pulls out a Toothpick charged with the desired drink, and the morning headache is avoided. Ten thousand Toothpicks charge with - - - - -

_Charge £50 for this advertisement._

wonderful brand of champagne will be distributed gratis to the female leaders of society, and it is anticipated that the use of toothpicks will soon become common to both sexes at every meal. As a further development it is anticipated that hosts will soon cease altogether to provide bottled drinks for their guests, and in place thereof will lay in quantities of Toothpicks charged by the Company. The contents of the Toothpicks will in all cases be absolutely guaranteed to be what they are, and this the Directors distinctly guarantee it is impossible to dispute.

The prospects of the Company are exceedingly brilliant. Professor Figuritout has been specially feed for the compilation of the following startling statistics:

“The population of the world,” says the learned Professor, “is in round figures ,000,000,000,” and the Professor stakes his reputation that 00·000 per cent. uses a Toothpick.

_Fill in at discretion_.

The Company hope to make very large profits out of the Toothpicks themselves, and will at once proceed to open negotiations for the purchase of farms and ranches in the great Sahara of Africa and the vast plains of America for the cultivation of the _Anser Vulgaris_, or common goose.

The _Anser Vulgaris_ flourishes everywhere, and by gentle persuasion readily and painlessly parts with its feathers, in fact it generally takes some time to discover that anything is wrong. The gander parts less readily, and as a rule the feathers are small and so few in number as to be hardly worth plucking.

There is another well-known and exceedingly strong feathered breed of goose (_Anser Stockexchangeiensis_) frequenting the numerous runs adjacent Capel Court. This breed parts with no persuasion, in fact at times it courts being plucked, but it has a nasty habit of shortly wanting back again all its own feathers and as many of other people’s as it can possibly grab hold of. Sometimes, but not often, it loses nearly every feather it has got, and then it gently hisses, and horribly blasphemes.”

These Extracts are taken from a Prospectus issued by John Heywood, Manchester, in 1887.

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Numerous burlesque acts of Parliament have been published, the late Albert Smith wrote several which were printed in imitation of parliamentary papers. One was entitled “An Act to amend the laws relating to the giving of Dinner and Evening Parties. _Act 1._ _Cap 1._ 1848.”

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(_Ireland._) A BILL
_intituled_,