Chapter XCIX: Letter XCVII: To Mr. M

August 20 1779.

IN all doubtful cases, it is best to adhere to the side of least difficulty.--Now whether you ought to have shewn the _politesses_ of the _Ton_ in making enquiry after my Honour’s health and travels--or whether my Honour should have anticipated all enquiry--by sending a card of thanks for more than friendly civilities--is a very nice point, which, for my part, I willingly leave to better casuists;--and as I honestly feel myself the obliged party--so I put pen to paper as a testimonial of the same.--I will suppose your head improved--I mean physically: I will also hope your heart light--and all your combustible passions under due subordination;--and then adding the fineness of the morning--from these premises I will believe that my good friend is well and happy.

I hope George effected his wish in town: if he has to do with people of feeling--there is a something in his face which will command attention and love--the boy is much handsomer than ever you were; and yet you never look better than when you look on him:--would to God you were as well settled!

The stage contained five good souls, and one huge mass of flesh[10]:--they, God bless them, thought I took up too much room--and I thought there was too little:--we looked at each other, like folks dissatisfied with their company--and so jolted on in sullen silence for the first half hour;--and had there been no ladies, the God or Goddess of silence would have reigned the whole way:--for my part, quoth I to myself, I have enjoyed true pleasure all day--the morning was bright, refreshing, and pleasant; the delicious bowl of milk, the fresh butter, sweet bread, cool room, and kind hostess--the friendly converse, the walk--the animated flow of soul in I-- M----; the little but elegant treat, high-seasoned with welcome.--Oh, Sancho, what more could luxury covet, or ambition wish for? True, cries Reason--then be thankful:--Hold! cries Avarice, with squinting eyes and rotten stumps of teeth--hungry, though ever cramming;--it cost thee one shilling and nine pence--one shilling and nine pence I say.--What of that, cries Œconomy, we eat fairly half a crown’s worth.--Aye, cries Prudence, that alters the case--od-so, we are nine pence in pocket, besides the benefit of fresh air, fresh scenes, and the pleasure of the society we love.--The sky was cloudless, and, to do me a particular favour, the moon chose to be at full--and gave us all her splendor;--but our envious mother Earth (to mortify our vanity) rose up--rolling the whole way in clouds of dust.--Contention flew in at the coach-windows, and took possession of both the females:--“Madam, if you persist in drawing up the glass, we shall faint with heat.”--“Oh dear! very sorry to offend your delicacy; but I shall be suffocated with dust--and my cloaths--” “I have cloaths to spoil as well as other folks, &c. &c. &c.” The males behaved wisely, and kept a stricter neutrality than the French with the Americans.--I chewed the cud of sweet remembrance, and, with a heart and mind in pretty easy plight, gained the castle of peace and innocence about nine o’clock.--Well, Sir, and how do you find yourself by this time?--I sweat, I protest--and then the bright God of day darts his blessings full upon my shop-window--so intensely, that I could fancy myself St. Bartholomew broiling upon a gridiron.

Oh! thou varlet--down--down upon thy knees, and bless thy indulgent stars for the blessings--comforts--beauties, &c. of thy situation--the Land of Canaan in possession milk and honey--shady trees--sweet walks covered with the velvet of nature--pleasant views--cool house--and the superintendency of the sweet girls--to whom my love and blessings--and, sirrah! mark what I say, and obey me without reply: there is a plump good-natured looking soul--I think you called her Patty--my conscience tells me, that I owe her something more than kind words and cool thanks!--therefore tell her, a man that notes particularly the welcome of the eye--and saw plainly good-will and good-nature in the expression of her honest countenance--sends her a dish of tea--which she must sweeten by her cheery acceptance of it--from one who knows not how to return the many, many obligations he has received from the he’s and she’s of P---- house--exclusive of what he owes--and shall be content ever to owe--the saucy rogue he addresses.

Farewell. Yours, &c.

I. SANCHO.

[10] Mr. Sancho was remarkable for corpulency.