Chapter X: The Banquet

"I vote," said Tommy, as John James led them down a side street to escape the crowd, "that we go down to the fair. We ought to have plenty of time to look round, and still arrive at the Mansion House in time to see the Mayor present the address. Think what a long way the procession has to go, and how very slowly it travels. Let's go, John James, I don't want to miss the fair."

"All right," said John James, "I don't mind."

"I liked the procession very well," remarked Gladys, as they hurried along with all the speed they could, "but I thought we should have seen the Sea Serpent in it. I'm surprised he wasn't there. Shall we see him to-day, anywhere, John James?"

"Well," said John James, good naturedly "I'm not quite sure, but I fancy he has a shop here, somewhere in this street. I'm wanting a pair of eye-glasses."

"You want eye-glasses, John James!" cried Gladys, bursting with laughter. "Why, you will look strange! I don't believe they will stop on your funny little nose."

"All editors wear eye-glasses, and I don't see why I shouldn't," said John James stolidly. "I shall get a pair. Hullo! Here's the very place."

He stopped before a shop window full of spectacles, and looked in while the children read the sign over the door.

PROFESSOR SEE SERPENT.
Optician.

"The shop won't be open to-day, will it?" said Tommy trying the door.

But the shop was open, so they all trooped in, and the Sea Serpent bustled out from a room at the back and stood behind the counter awaiting their pleasure.

He was a curious object. He wore a green fancy waistcoat with yellow spots, and all the time they were in the shop he was showing his teeth in an expansive grin.

"Try them on! Try them on!" he cried, bringing out a tray full of spectacles and eye-glasses. He fitted a pair on the Golliwog's nose, and John James strutted about the shop trying to see himself in a mirror which hung high above him on the wall.

The Sea Serpent was so very pleasant, he insisted that Gladys, Tom and Freda should try on some spectacles as well, although they assured him they had no intention of buying any.

"Never mind--never mind," said he. "It may lead to custom in the long run. I keep a large stock of goods, and should be pleased to supply you at any time. You might take my card in case you forget the address."

With a very low bow he handed them each a card, and Gladys murmured that she would recommend him to her grandfather.

"Do--do," said the Sea Serpent eagerly, "I make grandfathers a speciality."

"Have you chosen your glasses, sir?" he added turning to John James. "You have? Thank you."

He took them off the Golliwog's nose, polished them on his waistcoat, and popped them inside a neat little case.

"Have you any grandparents, sir?" he enquired politely.

John James tucked his newly acquired treasure into his pocket.

"Yes," he said. "One--grandmother--hundred years old this week--reads _Golliwog News_ without glasses. Good day, sir."

The Sea Serpent hastily wriggled over the counter to open the door for them, and in bowing his adieus, he bent himself almost into a hoop. Looking back, they saw him still winding and unwinding himself in an excess of politeness.

"Silly old Goat!" said Tommy. "Now let's go to the fair."

They had no difficulty in finding the spot where the fair was held, but, naturally, they now had very little time to spare, and could only look round at the principal items of amusement.

There were several roundabouts, with galloping sea lions, which, with the swing-boats, were largely patronised by all the small fry. There were shooting galleries where stout, middle-aged papa fishes tried to show their skill to admiring wives, who remarked at intervals:

"However _do_ you do it, dad? I never saw such a fish! You hit it _nearly_ every time. So you do, I declare!"

They caught sight of a few side shows--which Tommy longed to visit--such as the Man-faced Fish, and the Bearded Salmon, but there was no time for investigating either of these wonders.

Our young friends did, however, stand for a few minutes to listen to a well-fed Pike, who was standing on a tub, and acting as a cheap Jack. He was selling all sorts of articles to a crowd of silly young fish, chiefly Herrings and Prawns and a few Soles, who listened to him with their mouths wide open, which, perhaps, helped them to understand better what was being said.

"Now, here," cried the Cheap Jack, "is a pair of scales, honestly worth half a Neptune. I'll sell them for half that amount. Five pearls--five pearls! Who'll buy this valuable pair of scales for five pearls? You won't? Then I'm sorry for you. I really am. It's a genuine bargain. You'll be sorry for yourselves to-morrow. You'll say, 'I wish I had bought that pair of scales.' Oh, yes, you will. What's that I hear? You wouldn't mind giving three pearls? Well, I'll sell them for three. Just to oblige a lady. Three pearls--three pearls! Well, two. Come now--two. You can't resist two. This splendid pair of scales going for two----"

Here, a portly Sole held out two pearls.

"You'll take them, madam? Very good. You have a bargain. I ought not to have sold them, and that's a fact."

The Pike now produced a bottle and a small glass.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he resumed, making a great show of measuring a few drops out of a bottle and filling the glass up with water--"ladies and gentlemen, I have here a very efficacious and celebrated cough mixture of my own invention. You may, ladies and gentlemen, have noticed a slight huskiness in my voice--the result of my--er--profession. I will take a dose of my Seaweed Cough Juice, and you will no doubt perceive a difference."

He drank the mixture, smacked his lips with evident appreciation, glanced round at the crowd, and continued his discourse in a shrill staccato voice.

"Does any fish within sound of my voice suffer with a cough--with huskiness--asthma--bronchial troubles--shortness of breath--attacks of indigestion--rheumatism--chilblains--sore fins--or loss of energy? Let him step up here, and try my famous Seaweed Cough Juice. First dose free. Bottle with measuring glass--one Neptune, and dirt cheap at that. Satisfaction guaranteed, or money refunded."

"Come now," he continued. "I can hear a fish coughing. There he is! Very distressing--very. Come, sir. Come on, step up here beside me. Help him up, some of you. This is going to promote health and prosperity in Fish Town. Come along, sir. Ah, that's right," he remarked, as a very nervous looking Whiting, coughing violently, was hoisted to the tub.

A dose of the Seaweed Juice was administered. The Whiting choked and spluttered, and was hurried out of the fair by his anxious mother. The Cheap Jack immediately sold several bottles of the cough mixture. Then he paused a moment before producing his next wonder.

"I have here," he said slowly, looking round at the crowd, which had now increased considerably--"I have here, ladies and gentlemen"--and he hauled something out of a bag--"a _Reformed Shark_!"

The crowd shuddered and began to edge further and further away.

"There is no need to fear," continued the Pike, unfastening a chain which was round the Shark's neck. "He is a reformed character, and quite harmless. He would make a splendid footman, and could buttle if required. I will sell him for two Neptunes--not a fraction less."

By degrees the crowd began to disperse backwards, keeping an anxious eye on the Shark the while.

"What, no offers?" cried the Cheap Jack. "Here, I'll take one Neptune. This fellow can work--cook--scrub--he can do anything. He could keep an office clean, or give assistance with bookkeeping. He is in splendid condition. Good fins--good teeth--no trouble with a dentist."

"Show your teeth, sirrah," he went on turning to the Shark.

The Shark opened his mouth slowly, and showed his long wicked looking jaws.

"He is, as I said, a reformed character," went on the Cheap Jack--but he spoke to empty air. The crowd had taken to its heels--if fish have heels--and ran, as it had surely never run before.

"Bit too previous for them," muttered the Pike, as he pushed the Shark into his bag, along with the cough mixture and cheap jewellery.

"He was a very amusing sort of person," said Freda as they made a wild scamper for the Mansion House, for, while they listened to the Cheap Jack, time had flown. However, in spite of their haste, they were too late to get a sight of the Mayor presenting Father Neptune with the freedom of Fish Town. Although they pressed forward as much as possible, they were still on the outskirts of the crowd, and could see nothing.

Presently word was passed from one to another that Father Neptune had asked one of the sword fish for a sword.

"The Mayor's kneeling on the pavement!" cried a Limpet, who had climbed a lamp-post some weeks previously, to ensure getting a good view.

"Father Neptune has given him a smack across the shoulder. He's getting up again, and he's Sir Solomon Seal. Hooray! Now they are all going into the Mansion House."

As the crowd of fish gradually dispersed, our young friends, led by the valiant Golliwog, managed to gain admittance to the banqueting hall, where they were waved to their seats by a smart waiter, with a serviette folded over his fin.

Father Neptune looked very benevolent, and the newly created Knight-Mayor seemed beside himself with joy. The Mayoress, chatting excitedly, hob-nobbed with all the grandees of Fish Town, alluding frequently to her husband as "_Sir_ Solomon," and remarking again and again what a very happy day it had been.

Before all the guests were seated, Tommy, whose sharp ears were ever on the alert, heard a whispering taking place between Father Neptune and Sir Solomon Seal.

As they engaged in conversation, they frequently glanced in the direction of the children and the smart little Golliwog.

"Did I understand you to say _The Golliwog News_?" whispered Father Neptune.

"The Editor? Dear me! Give him a seat next to me, and put his companions directly opposite."

Before the children had quite recovered from their surprise, an officious looking waiter ushered them into the seats Father Neptune had indicated, and the banquet began.

Poor Gladys' face was scarlet, and she positively trembled when she saw her pet seated so close to the Sea Monarch, but John James himself seemed in no wise perturbed. He listened attentively to Father Neptune's suggestion that all future copies of the Underseas Edition of _The Golliwog News_ should be printed on waterproof.

"It shall be done, sire," he replied calmly, and went on sipping his soup as though he were in the habit of conversing with royalty every day in the week.

Immediately upon the conclusion of the luxurious banquet, Professor Walruzzio delighted the company by playing selections from the "Silvery Waves" on the grand piano, kindly lent by Messrs. Bleak and Brill. Herr Lobster contributed a violin solo, after which Miss Shrimp gave a recitation entitled "The Lost Crab," which moved Father Neptune and the Lady Mayoress to tears.

Following this, came a very clever exhibition of conjuring by Professor Sea Serpent, whose dexterity and skill were truly remarkable, and Sir Solomon was heard to whisper, that he hadn't "the _faintest_ idea how it was done." And this admission from so distinguished a personage was a great surprise to everyone.

The last item on the programme was a humourous song by Mr. "Merry" Codfish, the most celebrated entertainer in Father Neptune's dominions.

His favourite song, "The Funniest Fish in the Sea" had gained for him the title of "Merry" Codfish, and indeed, as he stood on the raised platform at the end of the hall, bowing affably to the audience, our young friends decided that never in all their lives had they seen a merrier fellow than he.

Professor Walruzzio played a little tinkling prelude, and Mr. "Merry" Codfish began.

THE FUNNIEST FISH IN THE SEA.

_One day, 'twas many years ago,
A fisherman came by,
And threw his nice seductive line
To capture such as I.
"Ha, ha!" I said and smelt the bait,
"I fear I cannot stay,
But not to disappoint you, sir,
I'll eat, and swim away!"_

_Oh! I'm a very funny fish
Such a funny finny fish,
And a funnier never could be.
I laugh and I smile,
Do gymnastics the while,
I'm the funniest fish in the sea!_

_Then while I nibbled daintily,
A Shark stole to my side.
"What's that you're gobbling up so fast?"
The greedy fellow cried.
"Kind sir," said I,--and off I slipped---
"Eat heartily I pray,"
But as I spoke, the fisherman
Did haul his prize away._

_Oh! I'm a very funny fish
Such a funny finny fish,
And a funnier never could be,
I left the old Shark
To fume in the dark,
I'm the funniest fish in the sea!_

_The Shark, he is a vicious rogue,
No friend to you and me.
It made me laugh to see him "caught"
So very skilfully.
And thus a double trick I played,
Now, wasn't it a lark?
The fisherman had wanted Cod,
Instead, he got a Shark._

_Oh! I'm a very funny fish
Such a funny finny fish,
And a funnier never could be.
You may laugh till you choke,
At my last little joke,--
I'm the funniest fish in the sea!_

All the fish applauded heartily. To them it seemed an excellent joke that their natural enemy, the Shark, was caught on a line. And also that the fisherman had managed to land a fish he could not possibly eat. Indeed, Mr. "Merry" Codfish may be said to have "brought down the house."

There were loud calls for an encore, but the hour was growing late, and when they had finished flapping, at a signal from the Mayor, the whole company rose and rendered the Fishes' National Anthem, "Long live Father Neptune."

CHAPTER XI.

How poor John James couldn't stir a peg,
Because he had such a bone in his leg.
But Gladys and Tommy and Freda go,
To see the Teddio-Golliwog Show.