Chapter LIII: Crimean War

Not very long after this the memorable Crimean War broke out against the Russians. This war was exceptionally inevitable and was caused by a number of causes.

CAUSES OF THE CRIMEAN WAR

(_a_) The English had not yet fought against the Russians.

(_b_) The _Sick Man of Europe_ (cured later by Florence Nightingown).

(_c_) Russia was too big and was pointing in the direction of India.

(_d_) The _Holy Places_. _The French_ thought that the _Holy Places_
ought to be guarded (probably against the _Americans_) by _Latin
Monks_, while _the Turks_, who owned the Places, thought that
they ought to be guarded by _Greek Monks_. _England_ therefore
quite rightly declared war on _Russia_, who immediately occupied
_Roumania_.

The war was consequently fought in _the Crimea_ (near _Persia_) in the following romantic manner:

1. _The Battle of Inkerman_--so called because the soldiers on both
sides fought in the dark as well as the Generals: the English were,
naturally, victorious.

2. _The Siege of Sir Pastobol_ (the memorable Russian General) who
was quite besieged, and the English were very victorious.

3. _The Battle of Balaclava_, famous for the Charge of the Fire
Brigade by Lord Tennyson and 599 other gallant men who, armed with
Cardigans and Balaclava helmets, advanced for a league and a half
(4½ miles), and back (9 miles), with the object of proving that
someone had thundered the wrong order. (In which they were completely
successful.)

4. _Flora MacNightshade._ The troops in the Crimea suffered terribly
from their Cardigans and Balaclava helmets and from a new kind of
overcoat invented by Lord Raglan, the Commander-in-Chief. They
were also only allowed to wear boots on their left feet until the
memorable intervention of Flora MacNightlight (the Lady with the
Deadly Lampshade), who gave them boots for their right feet and
other comforts, and cured them of their sufferings every night with
doses of deadly lampshade.