Chapter XVI: Act IV: Scene I

_A Street; before_ IMPERIA’s _House; a cord hanging from
the window_.

_Enter_ CURVETTO, _with a lantern_.

CUR. Just ten? ’tis ten just: that’s the fixed hour
For payment of my love’s due fees; that broke,
I forfeit a huge sum of joys: ho, love,
I’ll keep time just to a minute, I;
A sweet guide’s[701] loss is a deep penalty:
A night’s so rich aventure[702] to taste wrack,[703]
Would make a lover bankrupt, break his back.
No, if to sit up late, early to rise,
Or if this goldfinch,[704] that with sweet notes flies,
And wakes the dull eye even of a puritan,
Can work, then, wenches, Curvetto is the man.
I am not young, yet have I youthful tricks,
Which peering day must not see; no, close, close,
Old courtier, perilous[705] fellow, I can lie;
Hug in your bosom, close, yet none shall spy.
Stay, here’s the door, the window; hah, this, this!
Cord?—umph!—dear cord, thy blessed knot I kiss.
None peeps, I hope. Night, clap thy velvet hand
Upon all eyes! if now my friend thou stand,
I’ll hang a jewel at thine ear, sweet night;
And here it is, lantern and candle-light.[706]
A peal, a lusty peal, set, ring love’s knell
I’ll sweat, but thus I’ll bear away the bell.
[_Pulls the cord hanging from the window, and is
drenched with water._

_Enter_ SIMPERINA _above_.

SIM. Signior,—who’s there? signior Curvetto?
CUR. Umph, drown’d! Noah’s flood! duck’d over head and
ears!
O sconce, and O sconce![707] an old soaker, O!
I sweat now till I drop: what, villains, O!
Punks, punkateroes, nags, hags! I will ban:[708]
I’ve[709] catch’d my bane.
SIM. Who’s there?
CUR. A water-man.
SIM. Who rings that scolding peal?
CUR. I am wringing wet,
I’m[710] wash’d: foh, here’s rose-water sold by th’
ounce!
This sconce shall batter down those windows—bounce!
SIM. What do you mean? why do you beat our doors?
What do you take us for?
CUR. You’re all damn’d whores.
SIM. Signior Curvetto!
CUR. Signior coxcomb, no.
SIM. What makes you be so hot?
CUR. You lie, I’m[711] cool;
I’m an old courtier, but stinking fool.
Foh!
SIM. God’s my life! what have you done? you are in a
sweet pickle if you pulled at this rope.
CUR. Hang thyself in’t, and I’ll pull once again.
SIM. Marry muff,[712] will you up and ride? you’re mine
elder. By my pure maidenhead, here’s a jest! why, this
was a water-work to drown a rat that uses to creep in at
this window.
CUR. Fire on your water-works! catch a drown’d rat?
That’s me, I have it, God a-mercy, head!
Rat? me; I smell a rat, I strike it dead.
SIM. You smell a sodden sheep’s-head: a rat? ay, a rat:
and[713] you will not believe me, marry, foh! I have
been believed of your betters, marry, snick up!
CUR. Simp, nay, sweet Simp, open again; why, Simperina!
SIM. Go from my window, go, go from, &c.,[714] away; go
by, old Jeronimo:[715] nay, and[716] you shrink i’ th’
wetting, walk, walk, walk.
CUR. I cry thee mercy; if the bowl were set
To drown a rat, I shrink not, am not wet.
SIM. A rat by this hemp, and[717] you could ha’ smelt.
Hark you; here’s the bell, ting, ting, ting: would the
clapper were in my belly, if I am not mad at your
foppery; I could scratch, fie, fie, fie, fie, fie, as my
mistress says. But go, hie you home, shift you, come
back presently: here you shall find a ladder of cords;
climb up; I’ll receive you: my mistress lies alone;
she’s yours: away.
CUR. O Simp!
SIM. Nay, scud: you know what you promised me: I shall
have simple yawling for this: begone, and mum.[718]
CUR. Thanks, mum, dear girl; I’m gone: ’twas for a
rat,
A rat upon my life: thou shalt have gifts;
I love thee, though thou puts[t] me to my shifts.
I knew[719] I could be over-reach’d by none;
A parlous[720] head! lie close, lie close: I’m[721]
gone. [_Exeunt severally._

SCENE II.

_A Room in_ IMPERIA’s _House_.

_Music suddenly plays and birds sing: enter_ LAZARILLO
_bareheaded, in his shirt, a pair of pantaples[722]
on, a rapier in his hand and a tobacco-pipe: he seems
amazed, and walks so up and down_.[723]

LAZ. Saint Jacques and the Seven deadly Sins (that is,
the Seven Wise Masters of the world), pardon me, for
this night I will kill the devil!
[_Within._] Ha, ha, ha!
LAZ. Thou prince of blackamoors, thou shalt have small
cause to laugh, if I run thee through. This chamber is
haunted: would I had not been brought a’ bed in it, or
else were well delivered! for my heart tells me ’tis no
good luck to have any thing to do with the devil; he’s a
paltry merchant.

[_Song within._]

_Midnight’s bell goes ting, ting, ting, ting, ting;
Then dogs do howl; and not a bird does sing
But the nightingale, and she cries twit, twit, twit,
twit;
Owls then on every bough do sit;
Ravens croak on chimneys’ tops;
The cricket in the chamber hops;
And the cats cry mew, mew, mew;
The nibbling mouse is not asleep,
But he goes peep, peep, peep, peep, peep;_
_And the cats cry[724] mew, mew, mew,
And still the cats cry mew, mew, mew._
LAZ. I shall be moused by puss-cats, but I had rather
die a dog’s death: they have nine lives a piece (like a
woman), and they will make it up ten lives, if they and
I fall a-scratching. Bright Helena of this house, would
thy Troy were a-fire, for I am a-cold; or else would I
had the Greeks’ wooden curtal[725] to ride away. Most
ambrosian-lipped creature, come away quickly, for this
night’s lodging lies cold at my heart. [_The Spanish
pavin[726] played within._] The Spanish pavin? I thought
the devil could not understand Spanish: but since thou
art my countryman, O thou tawny Satan,[727] I will dance
after thy pipe. [_He dances the Spanish pavin._]
Ho,[728] sweet devil, ho! thou wilt make any man weary
of thee, though he deal with thee in his shirt. Sweet
beauty! she’ll not come: I’ll fall to sleep, And dream
of her; love-dreams are ne’er too deep.
[_Lies down and falls through a trap-door._

_Enter_ FRISCO _above laughing_.

FRIS. Ha, ha, ha!
LAZ. Ho, ho, Frisco, madonna! I am in hell, but here is
no fire; hell-fire is all put out. What ho, so ho, ho! I
shall be drowned. I beseech thee, dear Frisco, raise
Blurt the constable, or some scavenger, to come and make
clean these kennels of hell; for they stink so, that I
shall cast[729] away my precious self.

_Enter_ IMPERIA _above_.

IMP. Is he down, Frisco?
FRIS. He’s down: he cries out he’s in hell; it’s heaven
to me to have him cry so.
IMP. Fie, fie, fie, let him lie, and get all to bed.
[_Exit._
FRIS. Not all; I’ve[730] fatting knavery in hand.
He cries he’s damn’d in hell: the next shall cry
He’s climbing up to heaven; and here’s the gin:[731]
One woodcock’s ta’en; I’ll have his brother in.
[_Exit._

SCENE III.

_A Street; before_ IMPERIA’s _House; a ladder of ropes
hanging from the window_.

_Enter_ CURVETTO _with a lantern_.

CUR. Brisk as a capering tailor! I was wash’d,
But did they shave me? no, I am too wise;
Lie close i’ th’ bosom of their knaveries;
I’m[732] an old hoary courtier, and strike dead;
I hit my marks: ware, ware, a perilous[733] head!
Cast,[734]—I must find a ladder made of ropes;

_Enter_ BLURT, SLUBBER, WOODCOCK, _and the rest of the
Watch_.

Ladder and rope; what follow? hanging; ay;
But where? ah ha, there does the riddle lie.
I have ’scap’d drowning; but, but, but, I hope
I shall not ’scape the ladder and the rope.
WOOD. Yonder’s a light, master constable.
BLURT. Peace, Woodcock, the sconce[735] approaches.
CUR. Whew!
BLURT. Ay, whistling?—Slubber, jog the watch, and give
the lantern a flap.
CUR. Whew! Simp, Simperina!

_Enter_ FRISCO _above_.

FRIS. Who’s there?
CUR. Who’s there?
FRIS. Signior Curvetto? here’s the ladder; I watch to do
you a good turn: I am Frisco. Is not Blurt abroad and
his bill-men?[736]
CUR. No matter if they be; I hear none nigh;
I will snug close; out goes my candle’s eye;
My sconce takes this in snuff;[737] all’s one; I care
not.
FRIS. Why, when?[738]
CUR. I come; close, close; hold, rope, and spare not.
[_Begins to ascend the ladder._
SLUB. Now the candle’s out.
BLURT. Peace!
CUR. Frisco, light, light! my foot is slipt; call
help.
FRIS. Help, help, help! thieves, thieves! help, thieves,
&c.[739]
BLURT. Thieves? where? Follow close. Slubber, the
lantern.—Hold, I charge you, in the duke’s name, stand:
sirrah, you’re like to hang for this.—Down with him.
[_They take_ CURVETTO _down_.
FRIS. Master Blurt, master constable, here’s his ladder:
he comes to rob my mistress. I have been scared out of
my wits above seven times by him, and it’s forty to one
if ever they come in again. I lay felony to his charge.
CUR. Felony? you cony-catching[740] slave.
FRIS. Cony-catching will bear an action. I’ll cony-catch
you for this.—If I can find our key, I will aid you,
Master Blurt: if not, look to him, as you will answer it
upon your deathbed.
BLURT. What are you?
CUR. A Venetian gentleman.—Woodcock, how dost thou,
Woodcock?[741]
WOOD. Thank your worship.
BLURT. Woodcock, you are of our side[742] now, and
therefore your acquaintance cannot serve. And[743] you
were a gentleman of velvet, I would commit you.
CUR. Why, what are you, sir?
BLURT. What am I, sir? do not you know this staff? I am,
sir, the duke’s own image: at this time the duke’s
tongue (for fault of a better) lies in my mouth; I am
constable, sir.
CUR. Constable, and commit me? marry, Blurt master-
constable.
BLURT. Away with him! [_He strives._
OMNES. It’s folly to strive.
BLURT. I say, away with him.—I’ll Blurt you; I’ll teach
you to stand covered to authority: your hoary head shall
be knocked when this staff is in place.
CUR. Ay, but, master-constable——
BLURT. No, pardon me, you abuse the duke in me, that am
his cipher.—I say, away with him; Gulch, away with him;
Woodcock, keep you with me. I will be known for more
than Blurt.
[_Exit, the rest of the Watch carrying off_ CURVETTO.

_Enter_ LAZARILLO.

LAZ. Thou honest fellow, the man in the moon, I beseech
thee set fire on thy bush of thorns, to light and warm
me, for I am dung-wet. I fell like Lucifer, I think,
into hell, and am crawled out, but in worse pickle than
my lean Pilcher.[744] Hereabout is the hothouse of my
love. Ho, ho! why ho, there!
FRIS. Who’s that? What devil stands hohing at my door so
late?
LAZ. I beseech thee, Frisco, take in Lazarillo’s ghost.
FRIS. Lazarillo’s ghost? haunt me not, I charge thee; I
know thee not: I am in a dream of a dry summer,
therefore appear not to me.
LAZ. Is not this the mansion of the cherry-lipped
madonna Imperia?
FRIS. Yes; how then? You fly-blown rascal, what art
thou?
LAZ. Lazarillo de Tormes: sweet blood, I have a poor
Spanish suit[745] depending in your house; let me enter,
most precious Frisco; the mistress of this mansion is my
beautiful hostess.
FRIS. How, you turpentine pill, my wife your hostess?
away, you Spanish vermin!
LAZ. I beseech thee, most pitiful Frisco, allow my
lamentation.
FRIS. And[746] you lament here, I’ll stone you with
brickbats: I am asleep.
LAZ. My slop[747] and mandillion[748] lie at thy mercy,
fine Frisco; I beseech thee, let not my case be thine: I
must and will lament.
FRIS. Must you? I’ll wash off your tears; away, you
hog’s-face!
[_Drenches him with foul water, and exit._
LAZ. Thou hast soused my poor hog’s-face. O Frisco, thou
art a scurvy doctor, to cast my water no better! it is
most rammish urine: Mars shall not save thee; I will
make a brown toast of thy heart, and drink it in a pot
of thy strong blood.

_Enter_ BLURT _and all his Watch_.'

BLURT. Such fellows must be taken down. Stand. What
white thing is yonder?
SLUB. Who goes there? come before the constable.
LAZ. My dear host Blurt!
BLURT. You have Blurted fair: I am by my office to
examine you, where you have spent these two nights.
LAZ. Most big Blurt, I answer thy great authority, that
I have been in hell, and am scratched to death with
puss-cats.
BLURT. Do you run a’ th’ score at an officer’s house,
and then run above twelve score off?
LAZ. I did not run, my sweet-faced Blurt: the Spanish
fleet is bringing gold enough to discharge all from the
Indies: lodge me, most pitiful bill-man.[749]
BLURT. Marry, and will. I am, in the duke’s name, to
charge you with despicious of felony; and burglary is
committed this night; and we are to reprehend any that
we think to be faulty. Were not you at madonna freckle-
face’s house?
LAZ. _Signior, si._
BLURT. Away with him, clap him up.
LAZ. Most thundering Blurt, do not clap me; most
thundering[750] Blurt, do not clap me.
BLURT. Master Lazarus, I know you are a sore fellow
where you take, and therefore I charge you, in the
duke’s name, to go without wrasling, though you be in
your shirt.
LAZ. Commendable Blurt——
BLURT. The end of my commendations is to commit you.
LAZ. I am kin to Don Diego,[751] the Spanish
adelantado.[752]
BLURT. If you be kin to Don Diego that was smelt out
in Paul’s,[753] you pack; your lantedoes nor your
lanteeroes cannot serve your turn. I charge you, let
me commit you to the tuition——
LAZ. Worshipful Blurt, do not commit me into the hands
of dogs.
OMNES. Dogs!
BLURT. Master Lazarus, there’s not a dog shall bite you:
these are true bill-men,[754] that fight under the
commonwealth’s flag.
LAZ. Blurt——
BLURT. Blurt me no Blurts; I’ll teach all Spaniards how
to meddle with whores.
LAZ. Most cunning constable, all Spaniards know that
already; I have meddled with none.
BLURT. Your being in your shirt bewrays[755] you.
LAZ. I beseech thee, most honest Blurt, let not my shirt
bewray me.
BLURT. I say, away with him. [_Music._] Music? that’s in
the courtesan’s; they are about some ungodly act; but
I’ll play a part in’t ere morning. Away with Lazarus.
OMNES. Come, Spaniard.
LAZ. Thy kites and thee for this shall watch in dirt,
To feed on carrion.
BLURT. Hence, ptrooh!
LAZ. O base Blurt!