Chapter VIII: Part 8

The lady has answered the letter of Mr. Alexander Landlord, which was published on Thursday last,[202] but in such a manner as I do not think fit to proceed in the affair; for she has plainly told him, that love is her design, but marriage her aversion. Bless me! What is this age come to, that people can think to make a pimp of an astronomer? I shall not promote such designs, but shall leave her to find out her admirer, while I speak to another case sent to me by a letter of September 30, subscribed Lovewell Barebones, where the author desires me to suspend my care of the dead, till I have done something for the dying. His case is, that the lady he loves is ever accompanied by a kinswoman, one of those gay, cunning women, who prevent all the love which is not addressed to themselves. This creature takes upon her in his mistress's presence to ask him, whether Mrs. Florimel (that is the cruel one's name) is not very handsome; upon which he looks silly; then they both laugh out, and she will tell him, that Mrs. Florimel had an equal passion for him, but desired him not to expect the first time to be admitted in private; but that now he was at liberty before her only, who was her friend, to speak his mind, and that his mistress expected it. Upon which Florimel acts a virgin-confusion, and with some disorder waits his speech. Here ever follows a deep silence; after which a loud laugh. Mr. Barebones applies himself to me on this occasion. All the advice I can give him is, to find a lover for the confidant, for there is no other bribe will prevail; and I see by her carriage, that it is no hard matter, for she is too gay to have a particular passion, or to want a general one.

Some days ago the town had a full charge laid against my Essays, and printed at large. I altered not one word of what he of the contrary opinion said; but have blotted out some warm things said for me; therefore please to hear the counsel for the defendant, though I shall be so no otherwise than to take a middle way, and, if possible, keep commendations from being insipid to men's taste, or raillery pernicious to their characters.

"Mr. BICKERSTAFF,

_Sept. 30._

"As I always looked upon satire as the best friend to reformation,
whilst its lashes were general, so that gentleman[203] must excuse
me, if I do not see the inconvenience of a method he is so much
concerned at. The errors he assigns in it, I think, are comprised
in the desperation men are generally driven to, when by a public
detection they fall under the infamy they feared, who otherwise,
by checking their bridle, might have recovered their stumble, and
through a self-conviction become their own reformers: so he that
was before but a clandestine disciple (to use his own quotation),
is now become a doctor in impiety, The little success that is to
be expected by these methods from a hardened offender, is too
evident to insist on; yet it is true, there is a great deal of
charity in this sort of reasoning, whilst the effects of those
crimes extend not beyond themselves. But what relation has this
to your proceedings? It is not a circumstantial guessing will
serve turn, for there are more than one to pretend to any of your
characters; but there must at least be something that must amount
to a nominal description, before even common fame can separate me
from the rest of mankind to dart at. A general representation of
an action, either ridiculous or enormous, may make those wince who
find too much similitude in the character with themselves to plead
not guilty; but none but a witness to the crime can charge them
with the guilt, whilst the indictment is general, and the offender
has the asylum of the whole world to protect him. Here can then
be no injustice, where no one is injured; for it is themselves
must appropriate the saddle, before scandal can ride them. Your
method then, in my opinion, is no way subject to the charge
brought against it; but on the contrary, I believe this advantage
is too often drawn from it, that whilst we laugh at, or detest the
uncertain subject of the satire, we often find something in the
error a parallel to ourselves; and being insensibly drawn to the
comparison we would get rid of, we plunge deeper into the mire,
and shame produces that which advice has been too weak for; and
you, sir, get converts you never thought of. As for descending to
characters below the dignity of satire, what men think are not
beneath commission, I must assure him, I think are not beneath
reproof: for as there is as much folly in a ridiculous deportment,
as there is enormity in a criminal one, so neither the one nor the
other ought to plead exemption. The kennel of curs are as much
enemies to the state, as Gregg[204] for his confederacy; for as
this betrayed our Government, so the other does our property,
and one without the other is equally useless. As for the act of
oblivion he so strenuously insists on, _Le Roi s'avisera_ is a
fashionable answer; and for his modus of panegyric, the hint was
unnecessary, where Virtue need never ask twice for her laurel.
But as for his reformation by opposites, I again must ask his
pardon, if I think the effects of these sort of reasonings (by
the paucity of converts) are too great an argument, both of their
imbecility and unsuccessfulness, to believe it will be any better
than misspending of time, by suspending a method that will turn
more to advantage, and which has no other danger of losing ground,
but by discontinuance. And as I am certain (of what he supposes)
that your lucubrations are intended for the public benefit, so I
hope you will not give them so great an interruption, by laying
aside the only method that can render you beneficial to mankind,
and (among others) agreeable to,

"Sir,
Your humble Servant, &c."[205]

_St. James's Coffee-house, October 3._

Letters from the camp at Havre on the 7th instant, N.S., advise, that the trenches were opened before Mons on the 27th of last month, and the approaches were carried on at two attacks with great application and success, notwithstanding the rains which had fallen; that the besiegers had made themselves masters of several redoubts, and other outworks, and had advanced the approaches within ten paces of the counterscarps of the hornwork. Lieutenant-General Cadogan received a slight wound in the neck soon after opening the trenches.

The enemy were throwing up entrenchments between Quesnoy and Valenciennes, and the Chevalier de Luxemburg was encamped near Charleroi with a body of 10,000 men. Advices from Catalonia by the way of Genoa import, that Count Staremberg, having passed the Segra, advanced towards Balaguier, which place he took after a few hours' resistance, and made the garrison, consisting of three Spanish battalions, prisoners of war. Letters from Berne say, that the army under the command of Count Thaun had begun to repass the mountains, and would shortly evacuate Savoy.

* * * * *

Whereas Mr. Bickerstaff has received intelligence, that a young gentleman, who has taken my discourses upon John Partridge and others in too literal a sense, and is suing an elder brother to an ejectment; the aforesaid young gentleman is hereby advised to drop his action, no man being esteemed dead in law, who eats and drinks, and receives his rents.

FOOTNOTES:

[200] A reversible dress material of mingled silk and worsted, produced at Norwich, and therefore called Norwich crape. It attained such popularity early in the present century, says Beck's "Drapers' Dictionary," that it superseded bombazine.

[201] See No. 59.

[202] See No. 74.

[203] See _Tatler_, No. 74, Sept. 29 (Steele).

[204] William Gregg, a clerk in Harley's office, was detected in a treasonable correspondence with the French Government, and was executed. He left behind him a paper exonerating Harley, who had been suspected of complicity.

[205] This letter may, as Nichols suggested, be by John Hughes. See letters in Nos. 64, 66, and 73.

No. 77. [STEELE.[206]

From _Tuesday, Oct. 4_, to _Thursday, Oct. 6, 1709_.

_From my own Apartment, October 5._

As bad as the world is, I find by very strict observation upon virtue and vice, that if men appeared no worse than they really are, I should have less work than at present I am obliged to undertake for their reformation.

They have generally taken up a kind of inverted ambition, and affect even faults and imperfections of which they are innocent. The other day in a coffee-house I stood by a young heir, with a fresh, sanguine, and healthy look, who entertained us with an account of his claps and his diet-drink; though, to my knowledge, he is as sound as any of his tenants. This worthy youth put me into reflections upon that subject; and I observed the fantastical humour to be so general, that there is hardly a man who is not more or less tainted with it. The first of this order of men are the valetudinarians, who are never in health, but complain of want of stomach or rest every day till noon, and then devour all which comes before them. Lady Dainty[207] is convinced, that it is necessary for a gentlewoman to be out of order; and to preserve that character, she dines every day in her closet at twelve, that she may become her table at two, and be unable to eat in public. About five years ago, I remember it was the fashion to be short-sighted: a man would not own an acquaintance until he had first examined him with his glass. At a lady's entrance into the play-house, you might see tubes immediately levelled at her from every quarter of the pit and side-boxes.[208] However, that mode of infirmity is out, and the age has recovered its sight; but the blind seem to be succeeded by the lame, and a jaunty limp is the present beauty. I think I have formerly observed, a cane is part of the dress of a prig, and always worn upon a button, for fear he should be thought to have an occasion for it, or be esteemed really, and not genteelly, a cripple. I have considered, but could never find out the bottom of this vanity. I indeed have heard of a Gascon general, who, by the lucky grazing of a bullet on the roll of his stocking, took occasion to halt all his life after. But as for our peaceable cripples, I know no foundation for their behaviour, without it may be supposed that in this warlike age, some think a cane the next honour to a wooden leg. This sort of affectation I have known run from one limb or member to another. Before the limpers came in, I remember a race of lispers, fine persons, who took an aversion to particular letters in our language: some never uttered the letter H; and others had as mortal an aversion for S. Others have had their fashionable defect in their ears, and would make you repeat all you said twice over. I know an ancient friend of mine, whose table is every day surrounded with flatterers, that makes use of this, sometimes as a piece of grandeur, and at others as an art, to make them repeat their commendations. Such affectations have been indeed in the world in ancient times; but they fell into them out of politic ends. Alexander the Great had a wry neck, which made it the fashion in his court to carry their heads on one side when they came into the presence. One who thought to outshine the whole court, carried his head so very complaisantly, that this martial prince gave him so great a box on the ear as set all the heads of the court upright.

This humour takes place in our minds as well as bodies. I know at this time a young gentleman, who talks atheistically all day in coffee-houses, and in his degrees of understanding sets up for a free-thinker; though it can be proved upon him, he says his prayers every morning and evening. But this class of modern wits I shall reserve for a chapter by itself. Of the like turn are all your marriage-haters, who rail at the noose, at the words, "For ever and aye," and are secretly pining for some young thing or other that makes their hearts ache by her refusal. The next to these, are those who pretend to govern their wives, and boast how ill they use them; when at the same time, go to their houses, and you shall see them step as if they feared making a noise, and are as fond as an alderman. I don't know, but sometimes these pretences may arise from a desire to conceal a contrary defect than that they set up for. I remember, when I was a young fellow, we had a companion of a very fearful complexion, who, when we sat in to drink, would desire us to take his sword from him when he grew fuddled, for it was his misfortune to be quarrelsome. There are many, many of these evils, which demand my observation; but because I have of late been thought somewhat too satirical, I shall give them warning, and declare to the whole world, that they are not true, but false hypocrites; and make it out, that they are good men in their hearts. The motive of this monstrous affectation in the above-mentioned, and the like particulars, I take to proceed from that noble thirst of fame and reputation which is planted in the hearts of all men. As this produces elegant writings and gallant actions in men of great abilities, it also brings forth spurious productions in men who are not capable of distinguishing themselves by things which are really praiseworthy. As the desire of fame in men of true wit and gallantry shows itself in proper instances, the same desire in men who have the ambition without proper faculties, runs wild, and discovers itself in a thousand extravagancies, by which they would signalise themselves from others, and gain a set of admirers. When I was a middle-aged man, there were many societies of ambitious young men in England, who, in their pursuits after fame, were every night employed in roasting porters, smoking cobblers, knocking down watchmen, overturning constables, breaking windows, blackening sign-posts, and the like immortal enterprises, that dispersed their reputation throughout the whole kingdom. One could hardly find a knocker at a door in a whole street after a midnight expedition of these _beaux esprits_. I was lately very much surprised by an account of my maid, who entered my bedchamber this morning in a very great fright, and told me, she was afraid my parlour was haunted; for that she had found several panes of my windows broken, and the floor strewed with halfpence.[209] I have not yet a full light into this new way, but am apt to think, that it is a generous piece of wit that some of my contemporaries make use of, to break windows, and leave money to pay for them.

_St. James's Coffee-house, October 5._

I have no manner of news, more than what the whole town had the other day; except that I have the original letter of the Mareschal Bouffiers to the French King, after the late battle in the woods, which I translate for the benefit of the English reader.

"SIR,

"This is to let your Majesty understand, that, to your immortal
honour, and the destruction of the confederates, your troops
have lost another battle. Artagnan did wonders, Rohan performed
miracles, Guiche did wonders, Gattion performed miracles, the
whole army distinguished themselves, and everybody did wonders.
And to conclude the wonders of the day, I can assure your Majesty,
that though you have lost the field of battle, you have not lost
an inch of ground. The enemy marched behind us with respect, and
we ran away from them as bold as lions."

Letters have been sent to Mr. Bickerstaff, relating to the present state of the town of Bath, wherein the people of that place have desired him to call home the physicians. All gentlemen therefore of that profession are hereby directed to return forthwith to their places of practice; and the stage-coaches are required to take them in before other passengers, till there shall be a certificate signed by the Mayor or Mr. Powell,[210] that there are but two doctors to one patient left in town.

FOOTNOTES:

[206] In No. 78 of the folio issue two corrections in this number are introduced by the following words: "Having these moon-shining nights been much taken up with my astronomical observations, I could not attend to the press so carefully as I ought, by which means more than ordinary _errata_ have crept into my writings, even to the making of false English."

Looking to Addison's care in revising his work in the _Spectator_ and elsewhere, and to Steele's indifference in such matters, Nichols concluded that Addison probably had some part in the preparation of this number.

[207] The name of an affected lady in Colley Cibber's "Double Gallant; or, Sick Lady's Cure" (1707).

[208] See No. 50, note.

[209] Breaking windows with halfpence was a favourite pastime with the "Nickers." See Gay's "Trivia," iii. 323:--

"His scattered pence the flying Nicker flings,
And with the copper shower the casement rings."

No. 78. [STEELE.[211]

From _Thursday, Oct. 6_, to _Saturday, Oct. 8, 1709_.

_From my own Apartment, October 7._

As your painters, who deal in history-pieces, often entertain themselves upon broken sketches, and smaller flourishes of the pencil; so I find some relief in striking out miscellaneous hints, and sudden starts of fancy, without any order or connection, after having spent myself on more regular and elaborate dissertations. I am at present in this easy state of mind, sat down to my scrutoire; where, for the better disposition of my correspondence, I have writ upon every drawer the proper title of its contents, as hypocrisy, dice, patches, politics, love, duels, and so forth. My various advices are ranged under such several heads, saving only that I have a particular box for Pacolet, and another for Monoculus.[212] I cannot but observe, that my duel-box, which is filled by the lettered men of honour, is so very ill-spelt, that it is hard to decipher their writings. My love-box, though on a quite contrary subject, filled with the works of the fairest hands in Great Britain, is almost as unintelligible. The private drawer, which is sacred to politics, has in it some of the most refined panegyrics and satires that any age has produced. I have now before me several recommendations for places at my table of fame: three of them are of an extraordinary nature, in which I find I am misunderstood, and shall therefore beg leave to produce them. They are from a Quaker, a courtier, and a citizen.

"ISAAC,

"Thy lucubrations, as thou lovest to call them, have been perused
by several of our friends, who have taken offence: forasmuch
as thou excludest out of the brotherhood all persons who are
praiseworthy for religion, we are afraid that thou wilt fill thy
table with none but heathens, and cannot hope to spy a brother
there; for there are none of us who can be placed among murdering
heroes, or ungodly wits; since we do not assail our enemies with
the arm of flesh, nor our gainsayers with the vanity of human
wisdom. If therefore thou wilt demean thyself on this occasion
with a right judgment, according to the gifts that are in thee, we
desire thou wilt place James Nayler[213] at the upper end of thy
table.

"EZEKIEL STIFFRUMP."

In answer to my good friend Ezekiel, I must stand to it, that I cannot break my rule for the sake of James Nayler; not knowing, whether Alexander the Great, who is a choleric hero, won't resent his sitting at the upper end of the table with his hat on.

But to my courtier:

"SIR,

"I am surprised, that you lose your time in complimenting the
dead, when you may make your court to the living. Let me only tell
you in the ear, Alexander and Cæsar (as generous as they were
formerly) have not now a groat to dispose of. Fill your table with
good company: I know a person of quality that shall give you £100
for a place at it. Be secret, and be rich.

"Yours,
You know my hand."

This gentleman seems to have the true spirit, without the formality of an under courtier; therefore I shall be plain with him, and let him leave the name of his courtier, and £100 in Morphew's hands: if I can take it, I will.

My citizen writes the following:

"Mr. ISAAC BICKERSTAFF,

"SIR,

"Your _Tatler_ of September 13,[214] am now reading, and in your
list of famous men, desire you not forget Alderman Whittington,
who began the world with a cat, and died worth three hundred
and fifty thousand pounds sterling, which he left to an only
daughter, three years after his Mayoralty. If you want any further
particulars of ditto Alderman, daughter, or cat, let me know, and
per first will advise the needful. Which concludes,

"Your loving Friend,
LEMUEL LEDGER."

I shall have all due regard to this gentleman's recommendation; but cannot forbear observing, how wonderfully this sort of style is adapted for the despatch of business, by leaving out insignificant particles: besides that, the dropping of the first person is an artful way to disengage a man from the guilt of rash words or promises. But I am to consider, that a citizen's reputation is credit, not fame; and am to leave these lofty subjects for a matter of private concern in the next letter before me.

"SIR,

"I am just recovered out of a languishing sickness by the care
of Hippocrates,[215] who visited me throughout my whole illness,
and was so far from taking any fee, that he inquired into my
circumstances, and would have relieved me also that way, but I did
not want it. I know no method of thanking him, but recommending it
to you to celebrate so great humanity in the manner you think fit,
and to do it with the spirit and sentiments of a man just relieved
from grief, misery, and pain; to joy, satisfaction, and ease: in
which you will represent the grateful sense of

"Your obedient Servant,
T. B."

I think the writer of this letter has put the matter in as good a dress as I can for him; yet I cannot but add my applause to what this distressed man has said. There is not a more useful man in a commonwealth than a good physician; and by consequence no worthier a person than he that uses his skill with generosity, even to persons of condition, and compassion to those who are in want: which is the behaviour of Hippocrates, who shows as much liberality in his practice, as he does wit in his conversation and skill in his profession. A wealthy doctor, who can help a poor man, and will not without a fee, has less sense of humanity than a poor ruffian, who kills a rich man to supply his necessities. It is something monstrous to consider a man of a liberal education tearing out the bowels of a poor family, by taking for a visit what would keep them a week. Hippocrates needs not the comparison of such extortion to set off his generosity; but I mention his generosity to add shame to such extortion.

* * * * *

This is to give notice to all ingenious gentlemen in and about the cities of London and Westminster, who have a mind to be instructed in the noble sciences of music, poetry, and politics, that they repair to the Smyrna Coffee-house[216] in Pall Mall, betwixt the hours of eight and ten at night, where they may be instructed gratis, with elaborate essays by word of mouth on all or any of the above-mentioned arts. The disciples are to prepare their bodies with three dishes of Bohea, and purge their brains with two pinches of snuff. If any young student gives indication of parts, by listening attentively, or asking a pertinent question, one of the professors shall distinguish him, by taking snuff out of his box in the presence of the whole audience.

* * * * *

_N.B._--The seat of learning is now removed from the corner of the chimney on the left-hand towards the window, to the round table in the middle of the floor over against the fire; a revolution much lamented by the porters and chairmen, who were much edified through a pane of glass that remained broken all the last summer.

* * * * *

I cannot forbear advertising my correspondents, that I think myself treated by some of them after too familiar a manner, and in phrases that neither become them to give, or me to take. I shall therefore desire for the future, that if any one returns me an answer to a letter, he will not tell me he has received the favour of my letter; but if he does not think fit to say, he has received the honour of it, that he tell me in plain English, he has received my letter of such a date. I must likewise insist, that he would conclude with, "I am with great respect," or plainly, "I am," without further addition; and not insult me, by an assurance of his being with "great truth" and "esteem" my humble servant. There is likewise another mark of superiority which I cannot bear, and therefore must inform my correspondents, that I discard all "faithful" humble servants, and am resolved to read no letters that are not subscribed, "Your most obedient," or "most humble Servant," or both. These may appear niceties to vulgar minds, but they are such as men of honour and distinction must have regard to. And I very well remember a famous duel in France, where four were killed of one side, and three of the other, occasioned by a gentleman's subscribing himself a "most affectionate Friend."

_One in the Morning, of the 8th of Oct. 1709._

I was this night looking on the moon, and find by certain signs in that luminary, that a certain person under her dominion, who has been for many years distempered, will within few hours publish a pamphlet, wherein he will pretend to give my lucubrations to a wrong person;[217] and I require all sober-disposed persons to avoid meeting the said lunatic, or giving him any credence any further than pity demands; and to lock up the said person wherever they find him, keeping him from pen, ink, and paper. And I hereby prohibit any person to take upon him my writings, on pain of being sent by me into Lethe with the said lunatic and all his works.

FOOTNOTES:

[210] The puppet-show man.

[211] The corrections noted in the following number of the folio issue suggest that Addison contributed towards this paper.

[212] See Nos. 36 and 73.

[213] James Nayler, the Quaker, was born about 1617. Enthusiasts proclaimed that he possessed supernatural powers, and he was convicted of blasphemy, and was pilloried and whipped. Nayler himself only said that "Christ was in him," but his followers worshipped him as God. He died in 1660.

[214] No. 67.

[215] Perhaps Sir Samuel Garth (died 1719), the author of the mock-heroic poem, "The Dispensary."

[216] See No. 10.

[217] The reference here is not, as Nichols suggested, to the "Annotations on the _Tatler_," by "Walter Wagstaff, Esq.," because the writer of that work refers clearly to Steele as author of the _Tatler_, and because the book was not published until August 1710. The First Part, price 1s., was advertised in the _Post Man_ and _Post Boy_ for August 31 to September 2, 1710, and Part II. was advertised as published that day in the _Daily Courant_ for September 20, 1710.

No. 79. [STEELE.

From _Saturday, Oct. 8_, to _Tuesday, Oct. 11, 1709_.

Felices ter, et amplius,
Quos irrupta tenet copula; nec malis
Divulsus querimoniis
Supremâ citius solvet amor die.

HOR., I Od. xiii. 17.

_From my own Apartment, October 10._

My sister Jenny's lover, the honest Tranquillus (for that shall be his name), has been impatient with me to despatch the necessary directions for his marriage; that while I am taken up with imaginary schemes (as he called them) he might not burn with real desire, and the torture of expectation. When I had reprimanded him for the ardour wherein he expressed himself, which I thought had not enough of that veneration with which the marriage-bed is to be ascended, I told him, the day of his nuptials should be on the Saturday following, which was the 8th instant. On the 7th in the evening, poor Jenny came into my chamber, and having her heart full of the great change of life from a virgin condition to that of a wife, she long sat silent. I saw she expected me to entertain her on this important subject, which was too delicate a circumstance for herself to touch upon; whereupon I relieved her modesty in the following manner: "Sister," said I, "you are now going from me; and be contented, that you leave the company of a talkative old man, for that of a sober young one: but take this along with you, that there is no mean in the state you are entering into, but you are to be exquisitely happy or miserable, and your fortune in this way of life will be wholly of your own making. In all the marriages I have ever seen (most of which have been unhappy ones), the great cause of evil has proceeded from slight occasions; and I take it to be the first maxim in a married condition, that you are to be above trifles. When two persons have so good an opinion of each other as to come together for life, they will not differ in matters of importance, because they think of each other with respect in regard to all things of consideration that may affect them, and are prepared for mutual assistance and relief in such occurrences; but for less occasions, they have formed no resolutions, but leave their minds unprepared. This, dear Jenny, is the reason that the quarrel between Sir Harry Willit and his lady, which began about her squirrel, is irreconcilable: Sir Harry was reading a grave author; she runs into his study, and in a playing humour, claps the squirrel upon the folio. He threw the animal in a rage on the floor; she snatches it up again, calls Sir Harry a sour pedant, without good nature or good manners. This cast him into such a rage, that he threw down the table before him, kicked the book round the room; then recollected himself: 'Lord, Madam,' said he, 'why did you run into such expressions? I was,' said he, 'in the highest delight with that author when you clapped your squirrel upon my book;' and smiling, added upon recollection, 'I have a great respect for your favourite, and pray let us all be friends.' My lady was so far from accepting this apology, that she immediately conceived a resolution to keep him under for ever, and with a serious air replied, 'There is no regard to be had to what a man says, who can fall into so indecent a rage, and such an abject submission, in the same moment, for which I absolutely despise you.' Upon which she rushed out of the room. Sir Harry stayed some minutes behind to think and command himself; after which he followed her into her bedchamber, where she was prostrate upon the bed, tearing her hair, and naming twenty coxcombs who would have used her otherwise. This provoked him to so high a degree, that he forbore nothing but beating her; and all the servants in the family were at their several stations listening, while the best man and woman, the best master and mistress, defamed each other in a way that is not to be repeated even at Billingsgate. You know this ended in an immediate separation: she longs to return home, but knows not how to do it: he invites her home every day, and lies with every woman he can get. Her husband requires no submission of her; but she thinks her very return will argue she is to blame, which she is resolved to be for ever, rather than acknowledge it. Thus, dear Jenny, my great advice to you is, be guarded against giving or receiving little provocations. Great matters of offence I have no reason to fear either from you or your husband." After this, we turned our discourse into a more gay style, and parted: but before we did so, I made her resign her snuff-box[218] for ever, and half drown herself with washing away the stench of the musty.[219] But the wedding morning arrived, and our family being very numerous, there was no avoiding the inconvenience of making the ceremony and festival more public than the modern way of celebrating them makes me approve of. The bride next morning came out of her chamber, dressed with all the art and care that Mrs. Toilet the tire-woman could bestow on her. She was on her wedding-day three and twenty: her person is far from what we call a regular beauty; but a certain sweetness in her countenance, an ease in her shape and motion, with an unaffected modesty in her looks, had attractions beyond what symmetry and exactness can inspire without the addition of these endowments. When her lover entered the room, her features flushed with shame and joy; and the ingenuous manner, so full of passion and of awe, with which Tranquillus approached to salute her, gave me good omens of his future behaviour towards her. The wedding was wholly under my care. After the ceremony at church, I was resolved to entertain the company with a dinner suitable to the occasion, and pitched upon the Apollo,[220] at the Old Devil at Temple Bar, as a place sacred to mirth, tempered with discretion, where Ben Jonson and his "sons" used to make their liberal meetings. Here the chief of the Staffian race appeared; and as soon as the company were come into that ample room, Lepidus Wagstaff began to make me compliments for choosing that place, and fell into a discourse upon the subject of pleasure and entertainment, drawn from the rules of Ben's Club,[221] which are in gold letters over the chimney. Lepidus has a way very uncommon, and speaks on subjects, on which any man else would certainly offend, with great dexterity. He gave us a large account of the public meetings of all the well-turned minds who had passed through this life in ages past, and closed his pleasing narrative with a discourse on marriage, and a repetition of the following verses out of Milton:--

_Hail wedded love! mysterious law! true source
Of human offspring, sole propriety
In Paradise, of all things common else.
By thee adult'rous lust was driven from men
Among the bestial herds to range; by thee,
Founded in reason, loyal, just, and pure,
Relations dear, and all the charities
Of father, son, and brother, first were known,
Perpetual fountain of domestic sweets,
Whose bed is undefiled, and chaste pronounced,
Present or past, as saints or patriarchs used.
Here Love his golden shafts employs; here lights
His constant lamp, and waves his purple wings:
Reigns here, and revels not in the bought smile
Of harlots, loveless, joyless, unendeared,
Casual fruition; nor in court amours,
Mixed dance, or wanton mask, or midnight ball,
Or serenade, which the starved lover sings
To his proud fair, best quitted with disdain._[222]

In these verses, all the images that can come into a young woman's head on such an occasion, are raised; but that in so chaste and elegant a manner, that the bride thanked him for his agreeable talk, and we sat down to dinner. Among the rest of the company, there was got in a fellow you call a wag. This ingenious person is the usual life of all feasts and merriments, by speaking absurdities, and putting everybody of breeding and modesty out of countenance. As soon as we sat down, he drank to the bride's diversion that night, and then made twenty double meanings on the word thing. We are the best bred family, for one so numerous, in this kingdom; and indeed we should all of us have been as much out of countenance as the bride, but that we were relieved by an honest rough relation of ours at the lower end of the table, who is a lieutenant of marines.

This soldier and sailor had good plain sense, and saw what was wrong as well as another; he had a way of looking at his plate, and speaking aloud in an inward manner; and whenever the wag mentioned the word "thing," or the words "that same," the lieutenant in that voice cried, "Knock him down." The merry man wondering, angry, and looking round, was the diversion of the table. When he offered to recover, and say, "To the bride's best thoughts," "Knock him down," says the lieutenant, and so on. This silly humour diverted, and saved us from the fulsome entertainment of an ill-bred coxcomb, and the bride drank the lieutenant's health. We returned to my lodging, and Tranquillus led his wife to her apartment, without the ceremony of throwing the stocking, which generally costs two or three maidenheads without any ceremony at all.

FOOTNOTES:

[218] See No. 35.

[219] See No. 27.

[220] The great room in the Devil Tavern.

[221] The "Leges Convivales," printed in Jonson's "Works," were engraved in gold on a wooden panel.

[222] "Paradise Lost," iv. 750.

No. 80. [STEELE.

From _Tuesday, Oct. 11_, to _Thursday, Oct. 13, 1709_.

_Grecian Coffee-house, October 12._

This learned Board has complained to me of the exorbitant price of late years put upon books, and consequently on learning, which has raised the reward demanded by learned men for their advice and labour.[223]

In order to regulate and fix a standard in these matters, divines, physicians, and lawyers have sent in large proposals, which are of great light and instruction. From the perusal of these memorials, I am come to this immediate resolution, till I have leisure to treat the matter at large, viz., in divinity, Fathers shall be valued according to their antiquity, schoolmen by the pound weight, and sermons by their goodness. In my own profession, which is mostly physic, authors shall be rated according to their language. The Greek is so rarely understood, and the English so well, I judge them of no value, so that only Latin shall bear a price, and that too according to its purity, and as it serves best for prescription. In law, the value must be set according to the intricacy and obscurity of the author, and blackness of the letter; provided always, that the binding be of calves-skin. This method I shall settle also with relation to all other writings; insomuch that even these our lucubrations, though hereafter printed by Aldus, Elzevir, or Stephanus, shall not advance above one single penny.

_White's Chocolate-house, October 12._

It will be allowed me, that I have all along showed great respect in matters which concern the fair sex; but the inhumanity with which the author of the following letter has been used, is not to be suffered.

"SIR,

_October 9._

"Yesterday I had the misfortune to drop in at my Lady Haughty's
upon her visiting day. When I entered the room where she receives
company, they all stood up indeed; but they stood as if they were
to stare at, rather than to receive me. After a long pause, a
servant brought a round stool, on which I sat down at the lower
end of the room, in the presence of no less than twelve persons,
gentlemen and ladies, lolling in elbow-chairs. And to complete
my disgrace, my mistress was of the society. I tried to compose
myself in vain, not knowing how to dispose of either my legs or
arms, nor how to shape my countenance; the eyes of the whole room
being still upon me in a profound silence. My confusion at last
was so great, that without speaking, or being spoken to, I fled
for it, and left the assembly to treat me at their discretion. A
lecture from you upon these inhuman distinctions in a free nation,
will, I doubt not, prevent the like evils for the future, and
make it, as we say, as cheap sitting as standing. I am with the
greatest respect,

"Sir,
Your most humble, and
Most obedient Servant,
J. R."

"_P.S._--I had almost forgot to inform you, that a fair young
lady sat in an armless chair upon my right hand with manifest
discontent in her looks."

Soon after the receipt of this epistle, I heard a very gentle knock at my door: my maid went down, and brought up word, that a tall, lean, black man, well dressed, who said he had not the honour to be acquainted with me, desired to be admitted. I bid her show him up, met him at my chamber door, and then fell back a few paces. He approached me with great respect, and told me with a low voice, he was the gentleman that had been seated upon the round stool. I immediately recollected that there was a joint-stool in my chamber, which I was afraid he might take for an instrument of distinction, and therefore winked at my boy to carry it into my closet. I then took him by the hand, and led him to the upper end of my room, where I placed him in my great elbow-chair; at the same time drawing another without arms to it, for myself to sit by him. I then asked him, at what time this misfortune befell him? He answered, between the hours of seven and eight in the evening. I further demanded of him, what he had eaten or drunk that day? He replied, nothing but a dish of water-gruel, with a few plums in it. In the next place I felt his pulse, which was very low and languishing. These circumstances confirmed me in an opinion which I had entertained upon the first reading of his letter, that the gentleman was far gone in the spleen. I therefore advised him to rise the next morning and plunge into the cold bath, there to remain under water until he was almost drowned. This I ordered him to repeat six days successively; and on the seventh, to repair at the wonted hour to my Lady Haughty's, and to acquaint me afterwards with what he shall meet with there; and particularly to tell me, whether he shall think they stared upon him so much as the time before. The gentleman smiled; and by his way of talking to me, showed himself a man of excellent sense in all particulars, unless when a cane chair, a round or a joint stool, were spoken of. He opened his heart to me at the same time concerning several other grievances; such as, being overlooked in public assemblies, having his bows unanswered, being helped last at table, and placed at the back part of a coach; with many other distresses, which have withered his countenance, and worn him to a skeleton. Finding him a man of reason, I entered into the bottom of his distemper. "Sir," said I, "there are more of your constitution in this island of Great Britain than in any other part of the world; and I beg the favour of you to tell me, whether you do not observe, that you meet with most affronts in rainy days." He answered candidly, that he had long observed, that people were less saucy in sunshine than in cloudy weather. Upon which I told him plainly, his distemper was the spleen; and that though the world was very ill-natured, it was not so bad as he believed it. I further assured him, that his use of the cold bath, with a course of steel which I should prescribe him, would certainly cure most of his acquaintance of their rudeness, ill-behaviour, and impertinence. My patient smiled, and promised to observe my prescriptions, not forgetting to give me an account of their operation. This distemper being pretty epidemical, I shall, for the benefit of mankind, give the public an account of the progress I make in the cure of it.

_From my own Apartment, October 12._

The author of the following letter behaves himself so ingenuously, that I cannot defer answering him any longer.

"HONOURED SIR,

_October 6._

"I have lately contracted a very honest and undissembled
claudication in my left foot, which will be a double affliction to
me, if (according to your _Tatler_ of this day[224]) it must pass
upon the world for a piece of singularity and affectation. I must
therefore humbly beg leave to limp along the streets after my own
way, or I shall be inevitably ruined in coach-hire. As soon as I
am tolerably recovered, I promise to walk as upright as a ghost
in a tragedy, being not of a stature to spare an inch of height
that I can any way pretend to. I honour your lucubrations, and am,
with the most profound submission,

"Honoured Sir,
Your most dutiful and
Most obedient Servant, &c."

Not doubting but the case is as the gentleman represents, I do hereby order Mr. Morphew to deliver him out a licence, upon paying his fees, which shall empower him to wear a cane till the 13th of March next; five months being the most I can allow for a sprain.

_St. James's Coffee-house, October 12._

We received this morning a mail from Holland, which brings advice, that the siege of Mons is carried on with so great vigour and bravery, that we hope very suddenly to be masters of the place. All things necessary being prepared for making the assault on the hornwork and ravelin of the attack of Bertamont, the charge began with the fire of bombs and grenades, which was so hot, that the enemy quitted their post, and we lodged ourselves on those works without opposition. During this storm, one of our bombs fell into a magazine of the enemy, and blew it up. There are advices which say, the court of France had made new offers of peace to the confederates; but this intelligence wants confirmation.

FOOTNOTES:

[223] By the Copyright Act of 1709 (8 Anne, c. 19) the authors of books already printed who had not transferred their rights, and the booksellers who had purchased them, were vested with the sole right of printing them for twenty-one years; and the authors of books not printed, and their assigns, for fourteen years, with a further eventual term of fourteen years in case such authors should be living at the expiration of the first term.

[224] No. 77.

No. 81. [STEELE and ADDISON.[225]

From _Thursday, Oct. 13_, to _Saturday, Oct. 15, 1709_.

Hic manus, ob patriam pugnando vulnera passi,...
Quique pii vates, et Phæbo digna locuti,
Inventas aut qui vitam excoluere per artes,
Quique sui memores alios fecere merendo.

VIRG., Æn. vi. 660.

_From my own Apartment, October 14._

There are two kinds of immortality: that which the soul really enjoys after this life, and that imaginary existence by which men live in their fame and reputation. The best and greatest actions have proceeded from the prospect of the one or the other of these; but my design is to treat only of those who have chiefly proposed to themselves the latter as the principal reward of their labours. It was for this reason that I excluded from my tables of fame all the great founders and votaries of religion; and it is for this reason also that I am more than ordinarily anxious to do justice to the persons of whom I am now going to speak; for since fame was the only end of all their enterprises and studies, a man cannot be too scrupulous in allotting them their due proportion of it. It was this consideration which made me call the whole body of the learned to my assistance; to many of whom I must own my obligations for the catalogues of illustrious persons which they have sent me in upon this occasion. I yesterday employed the whole afternoon in comparing them with each other; which made so strong an impression upon my imagination, that they broke my sleep for the first part of the following night, and at length threw me into a very agreeable vision, which I shall beg leave to describe in all its particulars.

I dreamed that I was conveyed into a wide and boundless plain, that was covered with prodigious multitudes of people, which no man could number. In the midst of it there stood a mountain, with its head above the clouds. The sides were extremely steep, and of such a particular structure, that no creature, which was not made in a human figure, could possibly ascend it. On a sudden there was heard from the top of it a sound like that of a trumpet; but so exceeding sweet and harmonious, that it filled the hearts of those who heard it with raptures, and gave such high and delightful sensations, as seemed to animate and raise human nature above itself. This made me very much amazed to find so very few in that innumerable multitude who had ears fine enough to hear or relish this music with pleasure: but my wonder abated, when, upon looking round me, I saw most of them attentive to three sirens clothed like goddesses, and distinguished by the names of Sloth, Ignorance, and Pleasure. They were seated on three rocks, amidst a beautiful variety of groves, meadows, and rivulets, that lay on the borders of the mountain. While the base and grovelling multitude of different nations, ranks, and ages were listening to these delusive deities, those of a more erect aspect and exalted spirit separated themselves from the rest, and marched in great bodies towards the mountain; from whence they heard the sound, which still grew sweeter the more they listened to it.