Chapter IV: Part 4

And is it not lawful to set marks upon persons who live within the law, and do base things? Shall not we use the same protection of those laws to punish them, which they have to defend themselves? We shall therefore take it for a very moral action to find a good appellation for offenders, and to turn them into ridicule under feigned names. I am advertised by a letter of August the 25th, that the name of Coppersmith[82] has very much wanted explanation in the city, and by that means unjustly given, by those who are conscious they deserve it themselves, to an honest and worthy citizen[83]--belonging to the Copper Office; but that word is framed out of a moral consideration of wealth amongst men, whereby he that has gotten any part of it by injustice and extortion, is to be thought in the eye of virtuous men so much the poorer for such gain. Thus all the gold which is torn from our neighbours, by making advantage of their wants, is copper; and I authorise the Lombards to distinguish themselves accordingly. All the honest, who make a reasonable profit, both for the advantage of themselves and those they deal with, are goldsmiths; but those who tear unjustly all they can, coppersmiths. At the same time I desire him who is most guilty, to sit down satisfied with riches and contempt, and be known by the title of the Coppersmith; as being the chief of that respected, contemptible fraternity.

This is the case of all others mentioned in our lucubrations, particularly of Stentor,[84] who goes on in his vociferations at St. Paul's with so much obstinacy, that he has received admonition from St. Peter's for it from a person of eminent wit and piety;[85] but who is by old age reduced to the infirmity of sleeping at a service, to which he had been fifty years attentive, and whose death, whenever it happens, may, with that of the saints, well be called, falling asleep; for the innocence of his life makes him expect it as indifferently as he does his ordinary rest. This gives him a cheerfulness of spirit to rally his own weakness, and hath made him write to Stentor to hearken to my admonitions. "Brother Stentor," said he, "for the repose of the church, hearken to Bickerstaff, and consider, that while you are so devout at St. Paul's, we cannot sleep for you at St. Peter's."

_From my own Apartment, August 29._

There has been lately sent me a much harder question than was ever yet put to me since I professed astrology; to wit, how far, and to what age, women ought to make their beauty their chief concern? The regard and care of their faces and persons are as variously to be considered, as their complexions themselves differ; but if one may transgress against the careful practice of the fair sex so much as to give an opinion against it, I humbly presume, that less care, better applied, would increase their empire, and make it last as long as life. Whereas now, from their own example, we take our esteem of their merit; for it is very just, that she who values herself only on her beauty, should be regarded by others on no other consideration. There is certainly a liberal and pedantic education among women as well as men, and the merit lasts accordingly. She therefore that is bred with freedom, and in good company, considers men according to their respective characters and distinctions; while she that is locked up from such observations, will consider her father's butler not as a butler, but as a man. In like manner, when men converse with women, the well-bred and intelligent are looked upon with an observation suitable to their different talents and accomplishments, without respect to their sex; while a mere woman can be observed under no consideration but that of a woman; and there can be but one reason for placing any value upon her, or losing time in her company. Wherefore I am of opinion, that the rule for pleasing long, is, to obtain such qualifications as would make them so were they not women. Let the beauteous Cleomira then show us her real face, and know, that every stage of life has its peculiar charms, and that there is no necessity for fifty to be fifteen: that childish colouring of her cheeks is as ungraceful, as that shape would have been when her face wore its real countenance. She has sense, and ought to know, that if she will not follow nature, nature will follow her. Time then has made that person, which had (when I visited her grandfather) an agreeable bloom, sprightly air, and soft utterance, now no less grateful in a lovely aspect, an awful manner, and maternal wisdom. But her heart was so set upon her first character, that she neglects and repines at her present; not that she is against a more staid conduct in others, for she recommends gravity, circumspection, and severity of countenance, to her daughter. Thus, against all chronology, the girl is the sage, the mother the fine lady. But these great evils proceed from an unaccountable wild method in the education of the better half of the world, the women. We have no such thing as a standard for good breeding. I was the other day at my Lady Wealthy's, and asked one of her daughters, how she did? She answered, she never conversed with men. The same day I visited at Lady Plantwell's, and asked her daughter the same question. She answers, "What's that to you, you old thief?" and gives me a slap on the shoulders. I defy any man in England, except he knows the family before he enters, to be able to judge whether he shall be agreeable or not, when he comes into it. You find either some odd old woman, who is permitted to rule as long as she lives, in hopes of her death, and to interrupt all things; or some impertinent young woman, who will talk sillily upon the strength of looking beautifully. I will not answer for it, but that it may be, that I (like all other old fellows) have a fondness for the fashions and manners which prevailed when I was young and in fashion myself: but certain it is, that the taste of grace and beauty is very much lowered! The fine women they show me nowadays, are at best but pretty girls to me, who have seen Sacharissa,[86] when all the world repeated the poems she inspired; and Villaria,[87] when a youthful king was her subject. The things you follow and make songs on now, should be sent to knit, or sit down to bobbing or bone-lace: they are indeed neat, and so are their sempstresses; they are pretty, and so are their handmaids. But that graceful motion, that awful mien, and that winning attraction, which grew upon them from the thoughts and conversations they met with in my time, are now no more seen. They tell me I am old: I am glad I am so; for I don't like your present young ladies. Those among us who do set up for anything of decorum, do so mistake the matter, that they offend on the other side. Five young ladies who are of no small fame for their great severity of manners and exemplary behaviour, would lately go nowhere with their lovers but to an organ-loft in a church, where they had a cold treat, and some few opera songs, to their great refreshment and edification. Whether these prudent persons had not been as much so if this had been done at a tavern, is not very hard to determine. It is such silly starts and incoherences which undervalue the beauteous sex, and puzzle us in our choice of sweetness of temper and simplicity of manners, which are the only lasting charms of woman. But I must leave this important subject at present, for some matters which press for publication; as you will observe in the following letter:

"DEAR SIR,

"It is natural for distant relations to claim kindred with a
rising family; though at this time, zeal to my country, not
interest, calls me out. The City forces[88] being shortly to take
the field, all good Protestants would be pleased that their arms
and valour should shine with equal lustre. A council of war was
lately held, the Honourable Colonel Mortar being president. After
many debates, it was unanimously resolved, that Major Blunder,
a most expert officer, should be detached for Birmingham to buy
arms, and to prove his firelocks on the spot, as well to prevent
expense, as disappointment in the day of battle. The major
being a person of consummate experience, was invested with a
discretionary power. He knew from ancient story, that securing
the rear, and making a glorious retreat, was the most celebrated
piece of conduct. Accordingly such measures were taken to prevent
surprise in the rear of his arms, that even Pallas herself, in the
shape of rust, could not invade them. They were drawn into close
order, firmly embodied, and arrived securely without touch-holes.
Great and national actions deserve popular applause; and as
praise is no expense to the public, therefore, dearest kinsman, I
communicate this to you, as well to oblige this nursery of heroes,
as to do justice to my native country. I am

"Your most
Affectionate Kinsman,
OFFSPRING TWIG.

"London, _August 26_, Artillery Ground.

"A war-horse, belonging to one of the colonels of the artillery,
to be let or sold. He may be seen, adorned with ribands, and set
forth to the best advantage, the next training day."

FOOTNOTES:

[80] See No. 56.

[81] Perhaps Lord Forbes (afterwards third Earl of Granard), a naval officer on friendly terms with Swift. (See "Journal to Stella," July 21-23, 1711, and No. 271, note.) He was born in 1685, and was therefore only 24 in 1709.

[82] See No. 57.

[83] Probably Sir Humphrey Mackworth (1657-1727), the governor of a company formed for working copper mines in England. Yalden wrote verses "To Sir Humphrey Mackworth on working the mines." In 1709, after internal quarrels in the Corporation, Mackworth was accused of peculation, and in 1710 the House of Commons voted him guilty of fraud; but a bill alienating his estates fell through owing to the failing power of the Whigs. Mackworth was one of the founders of the Society for Promoting Christian Knowledge, and published some books on religious subjects, besides many political pamphlets.

[84] See No. 54.

[85] Dr. Robert South, who was, when this paper was written, nearly 75, and in bad health. In January 1709, Swift wrote to Lord Halifax, "Pray, my lord, desire Dr. South to die about the fall of the leaf," and in October Halifax wrote, "Dr. South holds out still, but he cannot be immortal." He lived until 1716.

[86] Waller's "Sacharissa" was Lady Dorothy Sidney (1617-1684), daughter of Robert, second Earl of Leicester, and wife of Robert, second Earl of Sunderland.

[87] The Duchess of Cleveland; see No. 50.

[88] See No. 60.

No. 62. [STEELE.

From _Tuesday, August 30_, to _Thursday, September 1, 1709_.

_White's Chocolate-house, August 31._

This place being frequented by persons of condition, I am desired to recommend a dog kennel to any who shall want a pack. It lies not far from Suffolk Street,[89] and is kept by two who were formerly dragoons in the French service; but left plundering for the more orderly life of keeping dogs: besides that, according to their expectation, they find it more profitable, as well as more conducing to the safety of their skin, to follow this trade, than the beat of drum. Their residence is very convenient for the dogs to whelp in, and bring up a right breed to follow the scent. The most eminent of the kennel are bloodhounds, which lead the van, and are as follow:

_A List of the Dogs._

Jowler, of a right Irish breed, called Captain.

Rockwood, of French race, with long hair, by the courtesy of England called also Captain.

Pompey, a tall hound, kennelled in a convent in France, and knows a rich soil.

The two last hunt in couple, and are followed by,

Ringwood, a French black whelp of the same breed, a fine open-mouthed dog; and an old sick hound, always in kennel; but of the true blood, with a good nose, French breed.

There is also an Italian greyhound, with good legs, and knows perfectly the ground from Ghent to Paris.

Ten setting dogs, right English.

Four mongrels, of the same nation.

And twenty whelps, fit for any game.

These curs are so extremely hungry, that they are too keen at the sport, and worry their game before the keepers can come in. The other day a wild boar from the north rushed into the kennel, and at first indeed defended himself against the whole pack; but they proved at last too many for him, and tore twenty-five pounds of flesh from off his back, with which they filled their bellies, and made so great a noise in the neighbourhood, that the keepers are obliged to hasten the sale. That quarter of the town where they are kennelled is generally inhabited by strangers, whose blood the hounds have often sucked in such a manner, that many a German count, and other _virtuosi_, who come from the Continent, have lost the intention of their travels, and been unable to proceed on their journey.

If these hounds are not very soon disposed of to some good purchaser, as also those at the kennels nearer St. James's, it is humbly proposed, that they may be altogether transported to America, where the dogs are few, and the wild beasts many. Or, that during their stay in these parts, some eminent justice of the peace may have it in particular direction to visit their harbours; and that the Sheriff of Middlesex may allow him the assistance of the common hangman to cut off their ears, or part of them, for distinction-sake, that we may know the bloodhounds from the mongrels and setters. Till these things are regulated, you may inquire at a house belonging to Paris at the upper end of Suffolk Street, or a house belonging to Ghent, opposite to the lower end of Pall Mall, and know further.

It were to be wished that these curs were disposed of; for it is a very great nuisance to have them tolerated in cities. That of London takes care, that the common hunt, assisted by the Sergeants and bailiffs, expel them wherever they are found within the walls; though it is said, some private families keep them, to the destruction of their neighbours: but it is desired, that all who know of any of these curs, or have been bit by them, would send me their marks, and the houses where they are harboured, and I do not doubt but I shall alarm the people so well, as to have them used like mad dogs wherever they appear. In the meantime, I advise all such as entertain this kind of vermin, that if they give me timely notice that their dogs are dismissed, I shall let them go unregarded, otherwise am obliged to admonish my fellow subjects in this behalf, and instruct them how to avoid being worried, when they are going about their lawful professions and callings. There was lately a young gentleman bit to the bone; who has now indeed recovered his health, but is as lean as a skeleton. It grieved my heart to see a gentleman's son run among the hounds; but he is, they tell me, as fleet and as dangerous as the best of the pack.

_Will's Coffee-house, August 31._

This evening was spent at our table in discourse of propriety of words and thoughts, which is Mr. Dryden's definition of wit;[90] but a very odd fellow, who would intrude upon us, and has a briskness of imagination more like madness than regular thought, said,[91] that Harry Jacks was the first who told him of the taking of the citadel of Tournay,[92] "and," says he, "Harry deserves a statue more than the boy who ran to the Senate with a thorn in his foot to tell of a victory." We were astonished at the assertion, and Spondee asked him, "What affinity is there between that boy and Harry, that you say their merit resembles so much as you just now told us?" "Why," says he, "Harry you know is in the French interest, and it was more pain to him to tell the story of Tournay, than to the boy to run upon a thorn to relate a victory which he was glad of." The gentleman who was in the chair upon the subject of propriety of words and thoughts, would by no means allow, that there was wit in this comparison; and urged, that to have anything gracefully said, it must be natural; and that whatsoever was introduced in common discourse with so much premeditation, was insufferable. That critic went on: "Had Mr. Jacks," said he, "told him the citadel was taken, and another had answered, 'He deserves a statue as well as the Roman boy, for he told it with as much pain'; it might have passed for a sprightly expression: but there is a wit for discourse, and a wit for writing. The easiness and familiarity of the first, is not to savour in the least of study; but the exactness of the other, is to admit of something like the freedom of discourse, especially in discourses of humanity, and what regards the Belles Lettres. I do not in this allow, that Bickerstaff's _Tatlers_, or discourses of wit by retail, and for the penny, should come within the description of writing." I bowed at his compliment, and--but he would not let me proceed.

You see in no place of conversation the perfection of speech so much as in an accomplished woman. Whether it be, that there is a partiality irresistible when we judge of that sex, or whatever it is, you may observe a wonderful freedom in their utterance, and an easy flow of words, without being distracted (as we often are who read much) in the choice of dictions and phrases. My Lady Courtly is an instance of this: she was talking the other day of dress, and did it with so excellent an air and gesture, that you would have sworn she had learned her action from our Demosthenes. Besides which, her words were particularly well adapted to the matter she talked of, that the dress was a new thing to us men. She avoided the terms of art in it, and described an unaffected garb and manner in so proper terms, that she came up to that of Horace's "_simplex munditiis_";[93] which, whoever can translate in two words, has as much eloquence as Lady Courtly. I took the liberty to tell her, that all she had said with so much good grace, was spoken in two words in Horace, but would not undertake to translate them; upon which she smiled, and told me, she believed me a very great scholar, and I took my leave.

_From my own Apartment, August 31._

I have been just now reading the introduction to the History of Catiline by Sallust, an author who is very much in my favour; but when I reflect upon his professing himself wholly disinterested, and at the same time see how industriously he has avoided saying anything to the praise of Cicero, to whose vigilance the commonwealth owed its safety, it very much lessens my esteem for that writer; and is one argument, among others, for laughing at all who pretend to be out of the interests of the world, and profess purely to act for the service of mankind, without the least regard to themselves. I do not deny but that the rewards are different; some aim at riches, others at honour, by their public services. However, they are all pursuing some end to themselves, though indeed those ends differ as much as right and wrong. The most graceful way then, I should think, would be to acknowledge, that you aim at serving yourselves; but at the same time make it appear, it is for the service of others that you have these opportunities. Of all the disinterested professors I have ever heard of, I take the boatswain of Dampier's ship to be the most impudent, but the most excusable.[94] You are to know, that in the wild searches that navigator was making, they happened to be out at sea, far distant from any shore, in want of all the necessaries of life; insomuch, that they began to look, not without hunger, on each other. The boatswain was a fat, healthy, fresh fellow, and attracted the eyes of the whole crew. In such an extreme necessity, all forms of superiority were laid aside: the captain and lieutenant were safe only by being carrion, and the unhappy boatswain in danger only by being worth eating. To be short, the company were unanimous, and the boatswain must be cut up. He saw their intention, and desired he might speak a few words before they proceeded; which being permitted, he delivered himself as follows:

"GENTLEMEN SAILORS,

"Far be it that I should speak it for any private interest of my
own, but I take it, that I should not die with a good conscience,
if I did not confess to you that I am not sound. I say, gentlemen,
justice, and the testimony of a good conscience, as well as love
of my country, to which I hope you will all return, oblige me
to own, that Black Kate at Deptford has made me very unsafe to
eat; and (I speak it with shame) I am afraid, gentlemen, I should
poison you."

This speech had a good effect in the boatswain's favour; but the surgeon of the ship protested, he had cured him very well, and offered to eat the first steak of him himself.

The boatswain replied (like an orator, with a true notion of the people, and in hopes to gain time) that he was heartily glad if he could be for their service, and thanked the surgeon for his information. "However," said he, "I must inform you, for your own good, that I have ever since my cure been very thirsty and dropsical; therefore I presume it would be much better to tap me, and drink me off, than eat me at once, and have no man in the ship fit to be drank." As he was going on with his harangue, a fresh gale arose, and gave the crew hopes of a better repast at the nearest shore, to which they arrived next morning.

Most of the self-denials we meet with are of this sort; therefore I think he acts fairest who owns, he hopes at least to have brother's fare, without professing that he gives himself up with pleasure to be devoured for the preservation of his fellows.

_St. James's Coffee-house, August 31._

Letters from the Hague of the 6th of September, N.S., say, that the governor of the citadel at Tournay having offered their highnesses the Duke of Marlborough and the Prince of Savoy to surrender that place on the 31st of the last month, on terms which were not allowed them by those princes, hostilities were thereupon renewed; but that on the 3rd the place was surrendered, with a seeming condition granted to the besieged above that of being prisoners of war; for they were forthwith to be conducted to Condé, but were to be exchanged for prisoners of the Allies, and particularly those of Warneton were mentioned in the demand. Both armies having stretched towards Mons with the utmost diligence, that of the Allies, though they passed the much more difficult road, arrived first before that town, which they have now actually invested; and the quartermaster-general was, at the time of despatching these letters, marking the ground for the encampment of the covering army.

_To the Booksellers, or others whom this Advertisement may concern._

Mr. Omicron,[95] the unborn poet, gives notice, that he writes all treatises as well in verse as prose, being a ninth son, and translates out of all languages, without learning or study.

If any bookseller will treat for his pastoral on the "Siege and Surrender of the Citadel of Tournay," he must send in his proposals before the news of a capitulation for any other town.

The undertaker for either play-house may have an opera written by him; or, if it shall suit their design, a satire upon operas; both ready for next winter.

This is to give notice, that Richard Farloe, M.A., well known for his acuteness in dissection of dead bodies, and his great skill in osteology, has now laid by that practice; and having, by great study, and much labour, acquired the knowledge of an antidote for all the most common maladies of the stomach, is removed, and may be applied to, at any time of the day, in the south entrance from Newgate Street into Christ's Hospital.

FOOTNOTES:

[89] Gambling-houses were very numerous at this time; they were largely supported by foreign adventurers, many of whom lived in Suffolk Street, Haymarket.

[90] Dryden defines wit as "a propriety of thoughts and words; or, in other terms, thoughts and words elegantly adapted to the subject" (Preface to "The State of Innocence"). Addison observes that this "is not so properly a definition of wit, as of good writing in general" (_Spectator_, No. 62).

[91] "Told us" (folio).

[92] See news paragraph below.

[93] I Od. v. 5. See No. 212, for Steele's remarks on a well-dressed woman, in reply to a lady who asked what was the meaning of these words.

[94] William Dampier (1652-1715), captain, traveller and buccaneer, tells another story of a voyage in 1686, when provisions were nearly exhausted. "The men had contrived first to kill Captain Swan and eat him when the victuals were gone, and after him all of us who were accessory in promoting the undertaking this voyage. This made Captain Swan say to me, after our arrival at Guam, 'Ah, Dampier, you would have made them but a poor meal'; for I was as lean as the captain was lusty and fleshy."

[95] It has been suggested that there is here a reference to John Oldmixon, the Whig historian and journalist; but in No. 71 Steele seems to disclaim such an intention.

No. 63. [STEELE, ETC.

From _Thursday September 1_, to _Saturday, September 3, 1709_.

_White's Chocolate-house, September 2._

_Of the Enjoyment of Life with Regard to others._[96]

I have ever thought it the greatest diminution to the Roman glory imaginable, that in their institution of public triumphs, they led their enemies in chains when they were prisoners. It is to be allowed, that doing all honour to the superiority of heroes above the rest of mankind, must needs conduce to the glory and advantage of a nation; but what shocks the imagination to reflect upon, is, that a polite people should think it reasonable, that an unhappy man, who was no way inferior to the victor, but by the chance of war, should be led like a slave at the wheels of his chariot. Indeed these other circumstances of a triumph, that it was not allowed in a civil war, lest part of it should be in tears, while the other was making acclamations; that it should not be allowed, except such a number were slain in battle; that the general should be disgraced who made a false muster of his dead: these, I say, had great and politic ends in their being established, and tended to the apparent benefit of the commonwealth. But this behaviour to the conquered had no foundation in nature or policy, only to gratify the insolence of a haughty people, who triumphed over barbarous nations, by acting what was fit only for those very barbarians to practise. It seems wonderful, that they who were so refined as to take care, that to complete the honour done to the victorious officer, no power should be known above him in the Empire on the day of his triumph, but that the consuls themselves should be but guests at his table that evening, could not take it into thought to make the man of chief note among his prisoners one of the company. This would have improved the gladness of the occasion, and the victor had made a much greater figure, in that no other man appeared unhappy on his day, than in that no other man appeared great. But we will waive at present such important incidents, and turn our thoughts rather to the familiar part of human life, and we shall find, that the great business we contend for, is in a less degree what those Romans did on more solemn occasions, to triumph over our fellow creatures; and there is hardly a man to be found, who would not rather be in pain to appear happy, than be really happy and thought miserable. This men attempt by sumptuous equipages, splendid houses, numerous servants, and all the cares and pursuits of an ambitious or fashionable life. Bromeo and Tabio are particularly ill-wishers to each other, and rivals in happiness. There is no way in nature so good to procure the esteem of the one, as to give him little notices of certain secret points wherein the other is uneasy. Gnatho has the skill of doing this, and never applauds the improvements Bromeo has been many years making, and ever will be making; but he adds, "Now this very thing was my thought when Tabio was pulling up his underwood, yet he never would hear of it; but now your gardens are in this posture, he is ready to hang himself. Well, to be sincere, that situation of his can never make an agreeable seat: he may make his house and appurtenances what he pleases; but he cannot remove them to the same ground where Bromeo stands. But of all things under the sun, a man that is happy at second-hand is the most monstrous." "It is a very strange madness," answers Bromeo, "if a man on these occasions can think of any end but pleasing himself. As for my part, if things are convenient, I hate all ostentation: there is no end of the folly of adapting our affairs to the imagination of others." Upon which, the next thing he does, is to enlarge whatever he hears his rival has attempted to imitate him in; but their misfortune is, that they are in their time of life, in their estates, and in their understandings equal; so that the emulation may continue to the last day of their lives. As it stands now, Tabio has heard Bromeo has lately purchased two hundred a year in the annuities since he last settled the account of their happiness, in which he thought himself to have the balance. This may seem a very fantastical way of thinking in these men; but there is nothing so common, as a man's endeavouring rather to go farther than some other person towards an easy fortune, than to form any certain standard that would make himself happy.

_Will's Coffee-house, September 2._

Mr. Dactile has been this evening very profuse of his eloquence upon the talent of turning things into ridicule; and seemed to say very justly, that there was generally in it something too disingenuous for the society of liberal men, except it were governed by the circumstances of persons, time, and place. "This talent," continued he, "is to be used as a man does his sword, not to be drawn but in his own defence, or to bring pretenders and impostors in society to a true light." But we have seen this faculty so mistaken, that the burlesque of Virgil himself has passed, among men of little taste, for wit; and the noblest thoughts that can enter into the heart of man, levelled with ribaldry and baseness: though by the rules of justice, no man ought to be ridiculed for any imperfection, who does not set up for eminent sufficiency in that way wherein he is defective. Thus cowards, who would hide themselves by an affected terror in their mien and dress; and pedants, who would show the depth of their knowledge by a supercilious gravity, are equally the objects of laughter. Not that they are in themselves ridiculous for their want of courage, or weakness of understanding, but that they seem insensible of their own place in life, and unhappily rank themselves with those, whose abilities, compared to their defects, make them contemptible. At the same time, it must be remarked, that risibility being the effect of reason, a man ought to be expelled from sober company who laughs without it. "Ha! ha!" says Will. Truby, who sat by, "will any man pretend to give me laws when I should laugh, or tell me what I should laugh at?" "Look ye," answered Humphrey Slyboots, "you are mightily mistaken; you may, if you please, make what noise you will, and nobody can hinder an English gentleman from putting his face into what posture he thinks fit; but, take my word for it, that motion which you now make with your mouth open, and the agitation of your stomach, which you relieve by holding your sides, is not laughter: laughter is a more weighty thing than you imagine; and I'll tell you a secret, you never did laugh in your life; and truly I am afraid you never will, except you take great care to be cured of those convulsive fits." Truby left us, and when he had got two yards from us, "Well," said he, "you are strange fellows," and was immediately taken with another fit.

The Trubies are a well-natured family, whose particular make is such, that they have the same pleasure out of good Will, which other people have in that scorn which is the cause of laughter: therefore their bursting into the figures of men when laughing, proceeds only from a general benevolence they are born with; as the Slyboots smile only on the greatest occasion of mirth; which difference is caused rather from a different structure of their organs, than that one is less moved than the other. I know Sowerly frets inwardly when Will. Truby laughs at him; but when I meet him, and he bursts out, I know it is out of his abundant joy to see me, which he expresses by that vociferation which is in others laughter. But I shall defer considering this subject at large, till I come to my treatise of oscitation, laughter, and ridicule.

_From my own Apartment, September 2._

The following letter being a panegyric upon me for a quality which every man may attain, an acknowledgment of his faults; I thought it for the good of my fellow writers to publish it.[97]

"SIR,

"It must be allowed, that Esquire Bickerstaff is of all authors
the most ingenuous. There are few, very few, that will own
themselves in a mistake, though all the world see them to be
in downright nonsense. You'll be pleased, sir, to pardon this
expression, for the same reason for which you once desired us to
excuse you when you seemed anything dull. Most writers, like the
generality of Paul Lorrain's Saints,[98] seem to place a peculiar
vanity in dying hard. But you, sir, to show a good example to
your brethren, have not only confessed, but of your own accord
mended the indictment. Nay, you have been so good-natured as to
discover beauties in it, which, I'll assure you, he that drew it
never dreamed of: and to make your civility the more accomplished,
you have honoured him with the title of your kinsman, which,
though derived by the left hand, he is not a little proud of. My
brother (for such Obadiah is) being at present very busy about
nothing, has ordered me to return you his sincere thanks for
all these favours; and, as a small token of his gratitude to
communicate to you the following piece of intelligence, which,
he thinks, belongs more properly to you than to any other of
our modern historians. Madonella,[99] who as it was thought had
long since taken her flight towards the ethereal mansions, still
walks, it seems, in the regions of mortality; where she has
found, by deep reflections on the revolution mentioned in yours
of June 23rd, that where early instructions have been wanting
to imprint true ideas of things on the tender souls of those of
her sex, they are never after able to arrive at such a pitch of
perfection, as to be above the laws of matter and motion; laws
which are considerably enforced by the principles usually imbibed
in nurseries and boarding-schools. To remedy this evil, she has
laid the scheme of a college for young damsels; where, instead
of scissors, needles, and sampler; pens, compasses, quadrants,
books, manuscripts, Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, are to take up their
whole time. Only on holidays the students will, for moderate
exercise, be allowed to divert themselves with the use of some of
the lightest and most voluble weapons; and proper care will be
taken to give them at least a superficial tincture of the ancient
and modern Amazonian tactics. Of these military performances, the
direction is undertaken by Epicene,[100] the writer of Memoirs
from the Mediterranean, who, by the help of some artificial
poisons conveyed by smells, has within these few weeks brought
many persons of both sexes to an untimely fate; and, what is more
surprising, has, contrary to her profession, with the same odours,
revived others who had long since been drowned in the whirlpools
of Lethe. Another of the professors is to be a certain lady,[101]
who is now publishing two of the choicest Saxon novels, which are
said to have been in as great repute with the ladies of Queen
Emma's Court, as the Memoirs from the new Atalantis are with those
of ours. I shall make it my business to inquire into the progress
of this learned institution, and give you the first notice of
their philosophical transactions, and searches after nature.

"Yours, &c.,
TOBIAH GREENHAT."

_St. James's Coffee-house, September 2._

This day we have received advices by the way of Ostend, which give an account of an engagement between the French and the Allies on the 11th instant, N.S.[102] Marshal Boufflers arrived in the enemy's camp on the 5th, and acquainted Marshal Villars, that he did not come in any character, but to receive his commands for the king's service, and communicate to him his orders upon the present posture of affairs. On the 9th, both armies advanced towards each other, and cannonaded all the ensuing day till the close of the evening, and stood on their arms all that night. On the day of battle, the cannonading was renewed about seven: the Duke of Argyle had orders to attack the wood Saar on the right, which he executed so successfully, that he pierced through it, and won a considerable post. The Prince of Orange had the same good fortune in a wood on the left: after which, the whole body of the confederates, joined by the forces from the siege, marched up, and engaged the enemy, who were drawn up at some distance from these woods. The dispute was very warm for some time; but towards noon the French began to give ground from one wing to the other: which advantage being observed by our generals, the whole army was urged on with fresh vigour, and in a few hours the day ended with the entire defeat of the enemy.

FOOTNOTES:

[96] Probably this article is by Addison; see note to No. 50.

[97] Nichols suggested that this letter was by Swift, and it is printed in Scott's edition of his works.

[98] Paul Lorrain (died 1719) was the Ordinary of Newgate. In their "dying speeches," compiled by Lorrain, criminals commonly professed to be penitent, and were thus called "Lorrain's Saints." See _Spectator_, Nos. 338, 341.

[99] Mary Astell; see No. 32.

[100] Mrs. de la Rivière Manley (1672-1724), who afterwards attacked Steele, without ground, as the author of this article. Subsequently she became a writer for the Tories. She is best known by her scandalous "Secret Memoirs and Manners of several Persons of Quality, of both Sexes, from the New Atalantis," 1709, which was continued in "Memoirs of Europe towards the close of the Eighth Century," 1710.

[101] Elizabeth Elstob published, in 1709, an excellent English translation of an Anglo-Saxon homily. In 1715 she brought out "English Rudiments of Grammar for the Anglo-Saxon Tongue." Afterwards, being in poor circumstances, she kept a school with indifferent success, until 1739, when she was appointed governess to the Duchess of Portland's children. She died in 1756, aged 73, and was buried at St. Margaret's, Westminster.

[102] The Battle of Malplaquet.

No. 64. [STEELE.

From _Saturday, September 3_, to _Tuesday, September 6, 1709_.

Quæ caret ora cruore nostro?--HOR. I Od. ii. 36.

_From my own Apartment, September 5._

When I lately spoke of triumphs, and the behaviour of the Romans on those occasions,[103] I knew by my skill in astrology, that there was a great event approaching to our advantage; but not having yet taken upon me to tell fortunes, I thought fit to defer the mention of the battle of Mons[104] till it happened; which moderation was no final pain to me: but I should wrong my art, if I concealed that some of my aërial intelligencers had signified to me the news of it even from Paris, before the arrival of Lieutenant-Colonel Graham[105] in England. All nations, as well as persons, have their good and evil genius attending them; but the kingdom of France has three, the last of which is neither for it nor against it in reality, but has for some months past acted an ambiguous part, and attempted to save its ward from the incursion of its powerful enemies, by little subterfuges and tricks, which a nation is more than undone when it is reduced to practise. Thus, instead of giving exact accounts and representations of things, they tell what is indeed true, but at the same time a falsehood when all the circumstances come to be related.

Pacolet was at the Court of France on Friday night last, when this genius of that kingdom came thither in the shape of a post-boy, and cried out, that Mons was relieved, and the Duke of Marlborough marched. Pacolet was much astonished at this account, and immediately changed his form, and flew to the neighbourhood of Mons, from whence he found the Allies had really marched, and began to inquire into the reasons of this sudden change, and half feared he had heard a truth of the posture of the French affairs, even in their own country. But upon diligent inquiry among the aërials who attend these regions, and consultation with the neighbouring peasants, he was able to bring me the following account of the motions of the armies since they retired from about that place, and the action which followed thereupon.

On Saturday the 7th of September, N.S., the confederate army was alarmed in their camp at Havre by intelligence, that the enemy were marching to attack the Prince of Hesse. Upon this advice, the Duke of Marlborough commanded that the troops should immediately move, which was accordingly performed, and they were all joined on Sunday the 8th at noon. On that day in the morning it appeared, that instead of being attacked, the advanced guard of the detachment commanded by the Prince of Hesse had dispersed and taken prisoners a party of the enemy's horse, which was sent out to observe the march of the confederates. The French moved from Quiverain on Sunday in the morning, and inclined to the right from thence all that day. The 9th, the Monday following, they continued their march till on Tuesday the 10th they possessed themselves of the woods of Dour and Blaugies. As soon as they came into that ground, they threw up entrenchments with all expedition. The Allies arrived within few hours after the enemy was posted; but the Duke of Marlborough thought fit to wait for the arrival of the reinforcement which he expected from the siege of Tournay. Upon notice that these troops were so far advanced as to be depended on for an action the next day, it was accordingly resolved to engage the enemy.

It will be necessary for understanding the greatness of the action, and the several motions made in the time of the engagement, that you have in your mind an idea of the place. The two armies on the 11th instant were both drawn up before the woods of Dour, Blaugies, Sart and Jansart; the army of the Prince of Savoy on the right before that of Blaugies; the forces of Great Britain in the centre on his left; those of the High Allies, with the wood Sart, as well as a large interval of plain ground, and Jansart, on the left of the whole. The enemy were entrenched in the paths of the woods, and drawn up behind two entrenchments over against them, opposite to the armies of the Duke of Marlborough and Prince Eugene. There were also two lines entrenched in the plains over against the army of the States. This was the posture of the French and confederate forces when the signal was given, and the whole line moved on to the charge. The Dutch army, commanded by the Prince of Hesse, attacked with the most undaunted bravery; and after a very obstinate resistance, forced the first entrenchment of the enemy in the plain between Sart and Jansart; but were repulsed in their attack on the second with great slaughter on both sides. The Duke of Marlborough, while this was transacting on the left, had with very much difficulty marched through Sart, and beaten the enemy from the several entrenchments they had thrown up in it. As soon as the Duke had marched into the plain, he observed the main body of the enemy drawn up and entrenched in the front of his army. This situation of the enemy, in the ordinary course of war, is usually thought an advantage hardly to be surmounted; and might appear impracticable to any but that army which had just overcome greater difficulties. The Duke commanded the troops to form, but to forbear charging till further order. In the meantime he visited the left of our line, where the troops of the States had been engaged. The slaughter on this side had been very great, and the Dutch incapable of making further progress, except they were suddenly reinforced. The right of our line was attacked soon after their coming upon the plain; but they drove back the enemy with such bravery, that the victory began to incline to the Allies by the precipitate retreat of the French to their works, from whence they were immediately beaten. The Duke upon observing this advantage on the right, commanded the Earl of Orkney to march with a sufficient number of battalions to force the enemy from their entrenchments on the plain between the woods of Sart and Jansart; which being performed, the horse of the Allies marched into the plains, covered by their own foot, and forming themselves in good order, the cavalry of the enemy attempted no more, but to cover the foot in their retreat. The Allies made so good use of the beginning of the victory, that all their troops moved on with fresh resolution, till they saw the enemy fly before them towards Condé and Maubeuge; after whom proper detachments were made, who made a terrible slaughter in the pursuit. In this action it is said Prince Eugene was wounded, as also the Duke of Aremberg, and Lieutenant-General Webb. The Count of Oxenstern, Colonel Lalo, and Sir Thomas Pendergrass, killed. This wonderful success, obtained under all the difficulties that could be opposed in the way of an army, must be acknowledged as owing to the genius, courage and conduct of the Duke of Marlborough, a consummate hero; who has lived not only beyond the time in which Cæsar said, he was arrived at a satiety of life and glory; but also been so long the subject of panegyric, that it is as hard to say anything new in his praise, as to add to the merit which requires such eulogiums.

_Will's Coffee-house, September 5._

The following letter[106] being very explanatory of the true design of our Lucubrations, and at the same time an excellent model for performing it, it is absolutely necessary, for the better understanding our works, to publish it.

"_To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq._

"SIR,

"Though I have not the honour to be of the family of the Staffs,
nor related to any branch of it, yet I applaud your wholesome
project of making wit useful.

"This is what has been, or should have been, intended by the
best comedies. But nobody (I think) before you thought of a way
to bring the stage as it were into the coffee-house, and there
attack those gentlemen who thought themselves out of the reach of
raillery, by prudently avoiding its chief walks and districts. I
smile when I see a solid citizen of threescore read the article
from Will's Coffee-house, and seem to be just beginning to learn
his alphabet of wit in spectacles; and to hear the attentive table
sometimes stop him with pertinent queries which he is puzzled
to answer, and then join in commending it the sincerest way, by
freely owning he don't understand it.

"In pursuing this design, you will always have a large scene
before you, and can never be at a loss for characters to entertain
a town so plentifully stocked with them. The follies of the finest
minds, which a philosophic surgeon knows how to dissect, will best
employ your skill: and of this sort, I take the liberty to send
you the following sketch.

"Cleontes is a man of good family, good learning, entertaining
conversation, and acute wit. He talks well, is master of style,
and writes not contemptibly in verse. Yet all this serves but to
make him politely ridiculous; and he is above the rank of common
characters, only to have the privilege of being laughed at by
the best. His family makes him proud and scornful; his learning,
assuming and absurd; and his wit, arrogant and satirical. He mixes
some of the best qualities of the head with the worst of the
heart. Everybody is entertained by him, while nobody esteems him.
I am,

"Sir,
Your most affectionate Monitor,
_Josiah Couplet._"

Lost from the Tree in Pall Mall, two Irish dogs, belonging to the pack of London; one a tall white wolf-dog; the other a black nimble greyhound (not very sound) and supposed to be gone to the Bath by instinct for cure. The man of the inn from whence they ran being now there, is desired, if he meets either of them, to tie them up. Several others are lost about Tunbridge and Epsom;[107] which whoever will maintain, may keep.

FOOTNOTES:

[103] No. 63.

[104] Now known as the battle of Malplaquet. It was soon followed by the fall of Mons.

[105] Colonel Graham travelled express with a letter from the Duke of Marlborough to Mr. Secretary Boyle. See "Annals of Queen Anne," 1709, p. 64.

[106] By John Hughes; see his "Correspondence," iii. 3.

[107] Bath, Tunbridge, and Epsom were the favourite watering-places of Queen Anne's time, and were naturally frequented by sharpers and adventurers.

No. 65. [STEELE.

From _Tuesday, September 6_, to _Thursday, September 8, 1709_.

Quicquid agunt homines ... nostri farrago libelli.

JUV., Sat. I. 85, 86.

_Will's Coffee-house, September 7._