Chapter VIII (7)

"_Boston, April 30_. At length the canal across the Isthmus of Darien is completed. It is about sixty miles long. First-rate vessels of war can with ease sail through. Two vessels belonging to this port, two to Philadelphia, and one to New York, sailed through on the 20th of January last, bound for Canton, in China.

"_Columbia, May 1_. Extract from the Journals of Congress.--'Ordered that there be twenty professors in the University of Columbia, in this city; viz. of Divinity, of Church History, of Hebrew, of Greek, of Humanity, of Logic, of Moral Philosophy, of Natural Philosophy, of Mathematics, of Civil History, of Natural History, of Common and Civil Law, of the Law of Nature and Nations, of Rhetoric and Belles Lettres, of Botany, of Materia Medica, of Physic, of Chemistry, of Anatomy, and of Midwifery.'"

_Philadelphia, Oct. 1, 1786_.

There is much characteristic simplicity in Mr. Carey's manner of telling the anecdote annexed.

In travelling from New York to Philadelphia, some years since, the slenderness of my knowledge of the French led me into a most egregious error, and excited the displeasure of a splendid French lady who was in the stage. She had lived a long time in New York, and yet spoke the English language very imperfectly. I told her she ought to speak English constantly, when she was in company with English or Americans: that this was the only way in which she could acquire it. "Monsieur," says she, "_j'ai honte_," I am ashamed; literally, "I have shame." Reiterating her own word, I replied, "_Madame, je croyais que les dames Françoises n' avaient pas de honte_"--whereas I ought to have said, as I really meant, "_mauvaise honte_." She was exasperated, and told me indignantly that the French ladies had as much "_shame_" (meaning modesty) as the Americans; and that there was more immorality practised in New York than in Marseilles, of which she was a native, or in Martinique, where she had long resided. It was in vain that I repeatedly pledged my honor that I had not meant to affront her; that I was led into error solely by repeating her own word. It was equally in vain that I appealed to some of the passengers who understood French, who testified that the mistake was perfectly natural, and was justified by the imperfection of my knowledge of her language. Nothing could pacify her, and after several vain attempts, I relinquished the hope of soothing her feelings, and she scarcely spoke another word during the rest of the journey.

{205} AUTOGRAPHY.

Our friend and particular acquaintance, Joseph Miller, Esq. (who, by the way, signs his name, we think, Joseph A. Miller, or Joseph B. Miller, or at least Joseph C. Miller) paid us a visit a few days ago. His behavior was excessively odd. Walking into our _sanctum_ without saying a word, he seated himself with a dogged air in our own exclusive arm-chair, and surveyed us, for some minutes, in silence, and in a very suspicious manner, over the rim of his spectacles. There was evidently something in the wind. "What _can_ the man want?" thought we, without saying so.

"I will tell you," said Joseph Miller, Esq.--that is to say, Joseph D. Miller, Joseph E. Miller, or possibly Joseph F. Miller, Esq. "I will tell you," said he. Now, it is a positive fact that we had not so much as attempted to open any of our mouths.

"I will tell you," said he, reading our thoughts.

"Ah, thank you!" we replied, slightly smiling, and feeling excessively uncomfortable--"thank you!--we should like to know."

"I believe," resumed he--resumed Joseph G. Miller--"I believe you are not altogether unacquainted with our family."

"Why, _not_ altogether, certainly--pray, sir, proceed."

"It is one of the oldest families in ---- in ----"

"In Great Britain," we interposed, seeing him at a loss.

"In the United States," said Mr. Miller--that is, Joseph H. Miller, Esq.

"In the United States!--why, sir, you are joking surely: we thought the Miller family were particularly British--The Jest-Book you know ----"

"You are in error," interrupted he--interrupted Joseph I. Miller--"we are British, but not particularly British. You should know that the Miller family are indigenous every where, and have little connection with either time or place. This is a riddle which you may be able to read hereafter. At present let it pass, and listen to me. You know I have many peculiar notions and opinions--many particularly bright fancies which, by the way, the rabble have thought proper to call whims, oddities, and eccentricities. But, sir, they are not. You have heard of my passion for autographs?"

"We have."

"Well, sir, to be brief. Have you, or have you not, seen a certain rascally piece of business in the London Athenæum?"

"Very possible," we replied.

"And, pray sir, what do you think of it?"

"Think of what?"

"No, sir, not of _what_," said he--said Joseph K. Miller, Esq. getting very angry, "not of _what_ at all; but of that absurd, nefarious, and superfluous piece of autographical rascality therein--that is to say in the London Athenæum--deliberately, falsely, and maliciously fathered upon me, and laid to my charge--to the charge of _me_, I say, Joseph L. Miller." Here, Mr. M. arose, and, unbuttoning his coat in a great rage, took from his breast pocket a bundle of MSS. and laid them emphatically upon the table.

"Ah ha!" said we, getting particularly nervous, "we begin to understand you. We comprehend. Sit down! You, Joseph M.--that is to say, Joseph N. Miller--have had--that is to say, ought to have had, eh?--and the London Athenæum is--that is to say, it is not, &c.--and--and--and--oh, precisely!"

"My _dear_ sir," said Mr. Miller, affectionately, "you are a fool--a confounded fool. Hold your tongue! _This_ is the state of the case. I, Joseph O. Miller, being smitten, as all the world knows, with a passion for autographs, am supposed, in that detestable article to which I am alluding, and which appeared some time ago in the London Athenæum,--am supposed, I say, to have indited sundry epistles, to several and sundry characters of literary notoriety about London, with the sinister design, hope, and intention, of thereby eliciting autograph replies--the said epistles, presumed to be indited by me, each and individually being neither more nor less than one and the same thing, and consisting----"

"Yes sir," said we, "and consisting----"

"And consisting," resumed Mr. Joseph P. Miller, "of certain silly inquiries respecting the character of certain ----"

"Of certain cooks, scullions, and chambermaids," said we, having now some faint recollection of the article alluded to.

"Precisely," said our visiter--"of certain cooks, scullions, chambermaids, and boot-blacks."

"And concerning whose character you are supposed to be excessively anxious."

"Yes, sir--_I_--excessively anxious!--only think of that!--I, Joseph Q. Miller, excessively anxious!"

"Horrible!" we ejaculated.

"Damnable!" said Mr. M.

"But what papers are _these_?" demanded we, taking courage, and eyeing the bundle of MSS. which our friend had thrown upon the table.

"Those papers," said Mr. Miller, after a pause, and with considerable dignity of manner, "those papers are, to tell you the truth, the result of some--of some ingenuity on the part of your humble servant. They are autographs--but they are _American_ autographs, and as such may be of some little value in your eyes. Pray accept them--they are entirely at your service. I beg leave, however, to assure you that I have resorted to no petty arts for the consummation of a glorious purpose. No man can accuse _me_, sir, _me_, Joseph R. Miller, of meanness or of superficiality. My letters have invariably been--have been--that is to say, have been every thing they should be. Moreover, they have not been what they should not be. I have propounded no inquiries about scullions. I wrote not to the sublimated Mr. ----, [here we do not feel justified in indicating more fully the name mentioned by Mr. M.] touching a chambermaid, nor to Mr. ----, in relation to a character. On the contrary, I have adapted my means to my ends. I have--I have--in short, sir, I have accomplished many great and glorious things, all of which you shall behold in the sequel." We bowed, and our visiter continued.

"The autographs here included are, you will perceive, the autographs of our principal _literati_. They will prove interesting to the public. It would be as well to insert the letters in your Messenger, with facsimiles of the signatures. Of my own letters eliciting these replies I have unfortunately preserved no copies." Here Mr. M. handed us the MSS.

{206} "Mr. Joseph S. Miller"--we began, deeply penetrated by his kindness.

"Joseph _T_. Miller, if you please," interrupted he, with an emphasis on the T.

"Well, sir," said we--"so be it; Mr. Joseph V. Miller, then, since you will have it so, we are highly sensible of your noble, of your disinterested generosity. We are ----"

"Say no more," interrupted our friend, with a sigh--"say no more, I beseech you. The MSS. are entirely at your service. You have been very kind to me, and when I forget a kindness my name is no longer Joseph W. Miller."

"Then your name _is_--is positively Joseph W. Miller?"--we inquired with some hesitation.

"It is"--he replied, with a toss of the head, which we thought slightly supercilious--"It is--Joseph X. Miller. But why do you ask? Good day! In a style epistolary and non-epistolary I must bid you adieu--that is to say I must depart (and _not_ remain) your obedient servant, Joseph Y. Miller."

"Extremely ambiguous!" we thought, as he whipped out of the room--"Mr. Miller! Mr. Miller!"--and we hallooed after him at the top of our voice. Mr. Miller returned at the call, but most unfortunately we had forgotten what we had been so anxious to say.

"Mr. Miller," said we, at length, "shall we not send you a number of the Magazine containing your correspondence?"

"Certainly!"--he replied--"drop it in the Post Office."

"But, sir," said we, highly embarrassed,--"to what--to what address shall we direct it?"

"Address!" ejaculated he--"you astonish me! Address _me_, sir, if you please--Joseph Z. Miller."

The package handed us by Mr. M. we inspected with a great deal of pleasure. The letters were neatly arranged and endorsed, and numbered from one to twenty-four. We print them _verbatim_, and with facsimiles of the signatures, in compliance with our friend's suggestion. The dates, throughout, were overscored, and we have been forced, accordingly, to leave them blank. The remarks appended to each letter are our own.