Chapter XI: Part II (3)

Take a man, with or without parts, of an ancient or a new family, with one or with two Boroughs at his command, previous to a dissolution. Let him renounce all former professions and obligations, and engage to bring in your friends, and to support you himself. Or, take the Country Gentleman who the least expects it; and particularly let the honour be conferred when he has done nothing to deserve it.

HOW TO MAKE SECRET INFLUENCE.

Take a tall, ill-looking man, with more vanity, and less reason for it, than any person in Europe. He should be one who does not possess a single consolatory private virtue, under a general public detestation. His pride and avarice should increase with his prosperity, while they lead him to neglect and despise the natural claims of indigence in his own family. If such a man can be found, he will easily be made the instigator, as well as the instrument, of a cabal, which has the courage to do mischief, and the cowardice of not being responsible for it; convinced that he can never obtain any other importance, than that to be derived from the execution of purposes evidently pursued for the establishment of tyranny upon the wreck of public ruin.

[1] "What care I for the King's Birth-day!"

HINTS FROM DR. PRETTYMAN, THE COMMIS, TO THE PREMIER'S PORTER.

To admit Mr. WILBERFORCE, although Mr. PITT should be even engaged with the SOUTHWARK agents, fabricating means to defeat Sir RICHARD HOTHAM.--WILBE must have _two_ bows.--ATKINSON to be shewn into the anti-chamber--he will find amusement in reading LAZARRELLO DE TORMEZ, or the _complete Rogue_.--If Lord APSLEY and Mr. PERCIVAL come from the Admiralty, they may be ushered into the room where the large _looking-glasses_ are fixed--in that case they will not regret waiting--Don't let LORD MAHON be detained an instant at the door, the pregnant young lady opposite having been sufficiently frightened already!!!--JACK ROBINSON to be shewn into the study, as the private papers were all removed this morning--Let Lord LONSDALE have _my Lord_, and _your Lordship_, repeated to his ear as often as possible--the apartment hung with _garter-blue_ is proper for his reception!--The other new Peers to be greeted only plain _Sir!_ that they may remember their late _ignobility_, and feel new gratitude to the _benefactor of honours!_--You may, as if upon recollection, address some of the last list, _My Lord!_--and ask their names--it will be pleasing to them to sound out their own titles.--Lord ELIOT is to be an exception, as he will tediously go through every degree of his dignity in giving an answer.--All letters from BERKELEY-SQUARE to be brought in without mentioning Lord SHELBURNE's name, or even Mr. ROSE's.--The Treasury Messenger to carry the _red box_, as usual, to CHARLES JENKINSON before it is sent to Buckingham-House.--Don't blunder a second time, and question Lord MOUNTMORRES as to the life of a _hackney chairman_ - it is wrong to judge by appearances!--Lord GRAHAM may be admitted to the library - he can't read, and therefore won't derange the books.

A TALE.

At BROOKES's once, it so fell out,
The box was push'd with glee about;
With mirth reciprocal inflam'd,
'Twas said they rather play'd than gam'd;
A general impulse through them ran,
And seem'd t' actuate every man:
But as all human pleasures tend
At some sad moment to an end,
The hour at last approach'd, when lo!
'Twas time tor every one to go.
Now for the first time it was seen,
A certain sum unown'd had been;
To no man's spot directly fixt,
But plac'd--ambiguously betwixt:
So doubtfully indeed it lay,
That none with confidence could say
This cash is mine--I'm certain on't--
But most declined with--"Sir, I won't"--
"I can't in conscience urge a right,
To what I am not certain quite."
--NORTHUMBRIA'S DUKE, who wish'd to put
An end to this polite dispute,
Whose generous nature yearn'd to see
The smallest seeds of enmity,
Arose and said--"this cash is mine-- }
For being ask'd to-day to dine, }
You see I'm furbelow'd and fine, }
With full-made sleeves and pendant lace;
Rely on't, this was just the case,
That when by chance my arm I mov'd,
The money from me then I shov'd;
This clearly shews how it was shifted,"
Thus said, the rhino then he lifted;--
"Hold, hold, my Lord," says thoughtless HARE,
Who never made his purse his care;
A man who thought that money's use
Was real comfort to produce,
And all the pleasures scorn'd to know
Which from its _snug_ enjoyments flow;
Such as still charm their gladden'd eyes,
Who feel the bliss of avarice.
"Hold, hold, my Lord, how is it known
This cash is certainly your own?
We each might urge as good a plea,
Or WYNDHAM, CRAUFURD, SMITH, or me;
But we, though less it were to blame,
Disdain'd so pitiful a claim;
Then here let me be arbitrator--
I vote the money to the waiter,"
Thus oft will generous folly think:
But prudence parts not so with chink.
On this occasion so it was,
For gravely thus my Lord Duke says:
"Consider, Sir, how large the sum,
To full eight guineas it will come:
Shall I, for your quaint verbal play,
Consign a whole estate away?
Unjust, ridiculous, absurd,
I will not do it, on my word;
Yet rather than let fools deride,
I give my _fiat_ to divide;
So 'twixt the waiter and myself,
Place equal portions of the pelf;
Thus eighty shillings give to RALPH,
To ALNWICK's DUKE the other half."
HARE and the rest (unthinking croud!)
At this decision laugh'd aloud:
"Sneer if you like," exclaim'd the Duke,
Then to himself his portion took;
And spite of all the witless rakes,
The Peer and Porter part the stakes.

MORALS.

I. This maxim, then, ye spendthrifts know,
'Tis money makes the mare to go.

II. By no wise man be this forgot;
A penny sav'd's a penny got.

III. This rule keep ever in your head;
A half-loaf's better than no bread.

IV. Though some may rail, and others laugh,
In your own hand still keep the staff.

V. Forget not, Sirs, since Fortune's fickle,
Many a little makes a mickle.

VI. By gay men's counsels be not thwarted.
Fools and their money soon are parted.

VII. Save, save, ye prudent--who can know
How soon the high may be quite low?

VIII. Of Christian virtues hear the sum,
True charity begins at home.

IX. Neglect not farthings, careless elves;
Shillings and pounds will guard themselves.

X. Get cash with honour if you can,
But still to get it be your plan.

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A CERTAIN PERSONAGE AND HIS MINISTER.

IMITATED FROM THE NINTH ODE OF HORACE, BOOK III.

_Donec gratus eram tibi._

K----- When heedless of your birth and name,
For pow'r yon barter'd future fame,
On that auspicious day,
Of K--gs I reign'd supremely blest:
Not HASTINGS rul'd the plunder'd East
With more despotic sway.

P--TT. When only on my favoured head
Your smiles their royal influence shed,
Then was the son of CH--TH--M
The nation's pride, the public care,
P--TT and Prerogative their pray'r,
While we, Sir, both laugh'd at 'em.

K----- JENKY, I own, divides my heart,
Skill'd in each deep and secret art
To keep my C--MM--NS down:
His views, his principles are mine;
For these I'd willingly resign
My Kingdom and my Crown.

P--TT. As much as for the public weal,
My anxious bosom burns with zeal
For pious Parson WYV--LL
For him I'll fret, and fume, and spout,
Go ev'ry length--except go out,
For that's to me the Devil!

K----- What if, our sinking cause to save,
We both our jealous strife should wave,
And act our former farce on:
If I to JENKY were more stern,
Would you, then, generously turn
Your back upon the Parson?

P--TT. Tho' to support his patriot plan
I'm pledg'd as _Minister_ and _Man_,
This storm I hope to weather;
And since your Royal will is so,
_Reforms_ and the _Reformers_ too,
May all be damn'd together!

Prettymaniana.

EPIGRAMS ON THE REV. DR. PR--TT--MAN'S DUPLICITY.

I.

That PRETTYMAN's so pale, so spare,
No cause for wonder now affords;
He lives, alas! on empty fare,
Who lives by _eating his own 'words!_

II.

In BAYES's burlesque, though so strange it appear'd,
That PRINCE PRETTYMAN's self should PRINCE PRETTYMAN _kill_;
_Our_ Prettyman FURTHER to go has not fear'd,
But in DAMNING himself, he extended his skill!

III.

Undaunted PITT, against the State to plot,
Should int'rest spur, or passion urge ye;
Dread not the hapless exit of LA MOTTE,
Secure in _Benefit of Clergy!_

IV.

That against my fair fame
You devise so much blame,
Cries the Priest, with a damn me, what care I?
Since the gravest Divine,
Tells a lie worse than mine,
When he cries, "_Nolo Episcopari!_"

V.

How wisely PITT, for different ends,
Can marshal his obedient friends!
When only _time_ he wants, not sense,
MULGRAVE vents _copious impotence_.
If demi-falsehood must be tried,
By ROSE the quibbling task's supply'd--
But for the more accomplish'd lie,
Who with meek PR--TT--MAN shall vie?

VI. (PR--TT--MAN _loquitur_.)

Although, indeed, 'tis truly said,
The various principles of _Trade_
We are not very glib in;
Yet surely none will this deny,
Few know so well as PITT, or I,
To manufacture _fibbing_.

VII.

A horrible fib that a Priest should have told,
Seems to some people's thinking excessively odd,
Yet sure there's no maxim more certain or old,
Than "_The nearer the Church still the farther from God._"

VIII.

Why should such malice at the Parson fly?
For though he _spoke_, he scorn'd to write, a lye.

IX.

While the Wits and the Fools Parson PRETTY belabour,
With--"Thou shalt not false witness; set up 'gainst thy neighbour,"
The text and the fact (cries the Priest) disagree.
For in Downing-street _I_, in Great George-street lives _He_.

X.

What shall reward bold PRETTY's well-tim'd sense, }
For turning new an IRISH _Evidence_? }
An IRISH _Bishoprick_'s the recompence! }

XI.

What varied fates the same offence assail!
PRETTY, install'd--and ATKINSON, in jail.
Both scorn alike the laws that truth maintains;
Yet one, a Prebend, one, a Prison gains.
This mounts a _stall_, the _pillory_ that ascends;
For public, one, and one for private ends.
The first gets ample scope _our_ ears to pain;
The other scarcely can _his own_ retain:
Just Heav'n, reverse the doom!--To punish each,
To ATKINSON alone, let PRETTY preach!

XII.

How happy, alas! had it been for poor PITT,
If WYVILL, like PRETTYMAN, never had writ!

XIII.

------_Scelera ipsa nefasque
Hâc mercede placent_--------

Cries PRETTYMAN, "Consider, Sir,
My sacred cloth, and character."
The indignant Minister replied,
"This ne'er had been, had ORDE ne'er lyed."
The patient Priest at last relented;
And _all his Master wish'd_, invented;
Then added, with a saint-like whine,
"But the next Mitre _must_ be mine!"

XIV.

For _tongue_ or for _eye_,
Who with PRETTY can vie?
Sure such organs must save him much trouble;
For of labour not loth,
Tis the way with them both,
Their functions to execute----_double!_

XV.

The days of miracle, 'twas thought, were past;
(Strange from what cause so wild an error sprung)
But now convinc'd, the world allows at last,
PRETTY's still favour'd with a--_cloven tongue!_

XVI.

_Faith in the Church_, all grave Divines contend,
Is the chief hold whence future hopes depend.
How hard then BRITAIN's lot!--for who hath _faith_
To credit _half_ what Doctor PRETTY saith?

XVII.

(By SIR CECIL WRAY.)

Oh! if I had thought that PRETTY could lye,
I'd a hired him, I would, for my Scrutiny!
My poor Scrutiny!--My _dear_ Scrutiny!
My heart it down sinks--I wish I could die!

XVIII.

(By SIR JOSEPH MAWBEY.)

Lord BACON hang'd poor HOGG,
For murd'ring, without pity, man;
And so should PITT, by Gog,
That kill-truth, Doctor PRETTYMAN--
For say I will, spite of hip wig,
He's far below the _learned Pig!_

XIX.

(By THE SAME.)

Says WRAY to me, which is most witty,
The learned Pig, or Parson PRETTY?
Says I, I thinks, the latter is more wiser;
PIGGY tells truth alone;--but PRETTY lyes, Sir.

XX.

(NOT by THE SAME.)

Three Parsons for three different patrons writ,
For ROCKINGHAM, for PORTLAND, and for PITT
The first, in _speaking_ truth alone surpass'd;
The next could _write_ it too--not so the last.--
The pride of Churchmen to be beat was loth--
So PRETTYMAN's the opposite to both!

XXI.

How much must IRELAND, PITT and PRETTY prize!
Who swear, at all events, to _equal--lyes_.

XXII.

------_In vino Veritas_------

PRETTY, the other night, was tripping caught--
Forgive him, PITT; he'll not repeat the fault--
The best may err--misled by wine and youth--
His Rev'rence drank too hard; and told--_the truth!_
Ev'n thou, should generous wine o'ercome thy sense,
May'st rashly stumble on the same offence.

XXIII.

There are who think all State affairs
The worst of wicked worldly cares,
To mingle with the priestly leaven;
Yet sure the argument's uncouth----
PRETTY shall _doubly_ spread the truth,
A Minister of Earth and Heaven.

XXIV.

While modern Statesmen glean, from priestly tribes,
Rev'rend _Commis_, and sanctimonious scribes;
'Tis love of _truth_--yet vain the hope, alas!
To make this _Holy Writ_ for _Gospel_ pass.

XXV.

Above the pride of worldly fame or show,
A virtuous Priest should upwards turn his eyes----
Thus PRETT contemns all _character_ below,
And thinks of nothing but the way to _rise_.

XXVI.

'Gainst PRETTY's unholiness vain 'tis to rail;
With a courtly Divine that's of little avail;
What Parson polite, would not virtue offend,
And maintain a _great_ falsehood, to save a _great_ friend?

XXVII.

If St. PETER was made,
Of Religion the head,
For boldly his master denying;
Sure, PRETTY may hope
At least to be Pope,
For his greater atchievements in lying.

XXVIII.

Says PRETTYMAN, "I'll fib, d'ye see,
If you'll reward me freely."
"Lye on (cries PITT) and claim of me
The Bishoprick of E--LYE."

XXIX.

'Tis said the _end_ may sanctify the _means_,
And pious frauds denote a special grace;
Thus PRETTY's lye his master nobly screens--
Himself, good man! but seeks a _better place_.

XXX.

"Sons of PATRICK! (cries ORDE) set up shop in your bog,
And you'll ruin the trade of JOHN BULL and NICK FROG."
"That's a lye (replies PITT) we shall gain by their riches;
If we wear IRISH _shirts_, they must wear ENGLISH _breeches_"
"You both lye (exclaims PRETTY) but I will lye too;
And, compar'd with my lye, what you say will seem true!"

XXXI.

For pert malignity observ'd alone,
In all things else unnotic'd, and unknown;
Obscurely odious, PRETTY pass'd his days,
Till more inventive talents won our lays.
"Now write, he cries, an Epigram's my pride:
Who wou'd have known me, if I ne'er had ly'd?"

XXXII.

With pious whine, and hypocritic snivel,
Our fathers said, "_Tell truth_, and _shame the Devil!_"
A nobler way bold PR----TT----N is trying,
He seeks to _shame_ the Devil--by outlying,

XXXIII. (In answer to a former.)

No _cloven tongue_ the Doctor boasts from heav'n,
Such gifts but little wou'd the Doctor boot;
For preaching _Truth_ the _cloven tongues_ were giv'n,
His lyes demonstrate more the _cloven foot_.

XXXIV.

Maxims, says PRETT, and adages of old,
Were circumscrib'd, though clever;
Thus Truth they taught, _not always_ should be told;
But I maintain, _not ever_.

XXXV.

In the drama of CONGREVE, how charm'd do we read
Of _Spintext_ the _Parson_, and _Maskwell_ the _Cheat_,
But in life would you study them closer, indeed,
For equal originals--see _Downing-street_.

XXXVI.

PITT and PRETTY came from College
To serve themselves, and serve the state;
And the world must all acknowledge
Half is done--so half may wait:
For PRETTY says, 'tis rather new,
When even _half_ they say--is _true_.

XXXVII.
The Devil's a dealer in lyes, and we see
That two of a trade never yet could agree;
Then DOCTOR proceed, and d--m------n despise,
What Devil would take such a rival in lyes.

XXXVIII.

GRAND TREATY OF LYING.

The Devil and PRETTY a treaty have made,
On a permanent footing to settle their trade;
'Tis the Commerce of Lying,--and this is the law;
The Devil _imports_ him all lyes that are raw_;_
Which, check'd by no _docket_, unclogg'd with a fee,
The _Priest_ manufactures, and vends _duty free_;
Except where the lye gives his conscience such trouble,
The _internal_ expence should have recompence double.
Thus to navigate falsehood no bar they'll devise;
But Hell must become the EMPORIUM of Lyes.
Nay, the Bishops themselves, when in pulpit they bark it,
Must supply their consumption, from Satan's _own market_,
While _reciprocal tribute_ is paid for the whole
In a surplusage _d--mn--g_ of P--TTY--'s soul.

FOREIGN EPIGRAMS.

I. _By the_ Chevalier de BOUFFLERS.

"PRETTIMAN est menteur, il s'est moqué de nous"
"(Se crient en courroux tous les sots d'Angleterre)"
Calmez vous donc, Messieurs--eh! comment savez vous
Si c'est bien un mensonge, ou si c'est un mystère?

II. _By_ Professor HEYNE, _of the_ UNIVERSITY _of_ GOTTINGEN.

_In Dominum_ PITTUM _Doctoremque_ PRETTYMANNUM,
_Figulus_ loquitur--Scena, Vicus, vulgo dictus _Downing_.
Vivitur hic, cives, pacto quo denique? Rhetor
Ecce loqui refugit; scribere scriba negat.

III. BY THE SAME.

Falsiloquusne Puer magis, an fallacior ille
Scriba? Puer fallax, scribaque falsiloquus.

IV. _By_ COMTE CASIMIR, _a descendant of the famous_ CASIMIR, _the great Latin Poet of_ POLAND.

BELLUS HOMO atque _pius_ vis idem dicier--At tu
Mendax, unde Pius? Bellus es unde, Strabo?

V. _By_ FATHER MOONY, _Parish Priest of_ KILGOBBIN.

A Mick na braaga Streepy poga ma Thone
Na vuishama da Ghob, Oghone! Oghone!

VI. [1]_By_ EUGENIUS, _Archbishop of_ SLAVENSK _and_ KHERSON, _in Russia, and Author of a Translation of_ VIRGIL'S GEORGICS _into_ Greek Hexameters.

{Pseudon ouch iereus aischynetai. Eithe s alethos,
O pseudon iereu, kai pseudierea legoimi.}

Falsa-dicens Sacerdos non erubescit. Utinam te verè
O falsa-dicens Sacerdos, et falsò-te-sacerdotem-dicentem appellarem.

VII. BY THE SAME.

{Pseudon outos alos ou paucetai. En de genomai
Teioud autod egon mot episkopos, ou men easo,
O pseudon d iereus kai pseudiereus tach an eie.}

Falsa dicere ille omnino non desinet. Si vero fierem
Talis vlri ipse ego quandoque Episcopus, non equidem sinerem
Falsa-dicens autem sacerdos et qui-se-falso-sacerdotem diceret cito
foret.

VIII. _By_ Mons. VILLOISON, _the celebrated Grecian and French Editor of_ LONGINUS, &c. &c.

Ad amicum quendam qui DOCTOREM PRETTIMANNUM _sacerdotem_ appellaret.

{a. Pseudein ouch IERON. ti de ton pseudonth IEREA
Chre ste kaelin; b. IEREUS k ouch IEROS legetai.}

a. Mentiri non _sacrum_. Quid verò mentientem _sacerdotem_
Oportet te vocare? b. _Sacerdos_ & non _sacer_ dicitur.

IX. MADRIGALE--_By_ SIGNOR CAPONINI _of_ ROME.

In quel bel dì, ch'il DIO del VERO nacque,
Per tutto il mondo tacque
Ogni Oracol mendace in ogni fano.
Cosi va detto, ma si e detto in vano.
Ecco, in quest' isola remota, anch'ora
L'Oracola s'adora
D'un giovinetto Febo, che a le genti
Per un suo sacerdote manda fnora
Quel, ch'ei risponde a lusingar lor menti;
In guisa, che puo far chiamar verace
L'Oracolo de' Grechi più mendace.

X. _By_ Dr. CORTICELLI _of_ BOLOGNA.

Io non ho mai veduto un sì bel PRETTIMANNO,
Con un sì gran Perrucho, e d' occhi sì _squintanno_.

XI. _In the language of_ OTAHEITE.--_By M. de_ BOUGAINVILLE. (_With an interlined Translation, according to Capt._ COOK's GLOSSARY.)

[2]Prettyman _to call liar interjection
Peetimai_, tooo too, ooo, taata, Allaheueeai!

_Insincere man to cuff liar nasty_ Prettyman
Hamaneeno, eparoo, taata, erepo, _Peetimai_.

XII. _In the language of_ TERRA INCOCNITA (_viz_. AUSTRALIS), _by the noted Mr._ BRUCE.

[A translation is requested by the earliest discoverer, the original being left at the publisher's for his inspection by the author, who has most kindly communicated the following representation of the genuine words, adapted to the ENGLISH type.--May we not presume to suggest the infinite service Mr. M'PHERSON would render to his country, were he generously to embark in the first outward-bound ship for TERRA AUSTRALIS--No man in EUROPE being so well qualified for the useful station of universal linguist and decypherer to the savages--"_I decus, I nostrum._"]

HOT. TOT.
HUM. SCUM.
KIKEN- ASS.
HOT. TOT.
ROW. ROW.
KIKEN. ASS.
QUIP. LUNK.
NUN. SKUMP.
KISSEN. ASS.
TARRAH. DUD.
LICEN. TOCK.
KIKEN. ASS. TOT.

We must apologize to several of our more erudite correspondents, for suspending some short time the publication of their most curious epigrams on the Doctor. We have not the least objection to the extra expence necessarily incurred on the present occasion, by the purchase of a variety of antique types. Nay, we have actually contracted with the celebrated CASLON, for the casting of a proper quantity of the COPTIC and RUNIC characters, in order to the due representation of the PRETTYMANIANA, communicated by Professor WHITE, and Mons. MAILLET. As it might be some time, however, before Mr. CASLON, even with the assistance of Mess. FRY and Son's foundery, can furnish us with the PERSIC, SYRIAC, and CHACHTAW types, we cannot promise the Doctor the insertion of the GENTOO REBUS, or the NEW ZEALAND ACROSTIC in the present edition.

[1] We cannot withhold from the good Bishop our particular thanks for his excellent Haxameters, which breathe indeed the spirit both of piety and poetry. We have taken the liberty of subjoining a literal translation, in Latin Prose, to the Epigrams of EUGENIUS, as well as to the distich of Mons. VILLOISON, for the accommodation of the young Students at our Universities.

[2] PEETIMAI is wonderfully near the original PRETTYMAN, considering that, after every effort, the inhabitants of OTAHEITE could not approximate to the name of BANKS nearer than OPANO--nor of COOK, than TOOTE.

ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

Missing from the genealogies of the new Peers--three FATHERS--five MOTHERS--nine GRANDFATHERS--fourteen GRANDMOTHERS--twenty GREAT-GRANDFATHERS--and nearly twice the number of GREAT-GRANDMOTHERS--also some COMPLETE GENERATIONS OF ANCESTORS.

If any person can give notice at the HERALD's OFFICE of any Fathers, Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Great-grandfathers, and Great-grandmothers, worth owning, of the names of C------, D------, H------, L------, P------, E------, &c. &c. &c. so as that the said Fathers, Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Great-grandfathers, and Great-grandmothers, may be taken and restored to the advertisers, the person so informing, for every such notice, shall receive ONE GUINEA reward, and no questions shall be asked.

And if any person will undertake to find ANCESTORS BY THE GENERATION, for every regular descent of not less than _three_, and not more than _five_, he shall receive TWO GUINEAS each ancestor; and for every regular descent of not less than _six_, and not more than _ten_, he shall receive FIVE GUINEAS each ancestor, and so in proportion for any greater number.

A HANDSOME COMPLIMENT will also be given, in addition to the rewards above proposed, for ANCESTORS who distinguished themselves under JAMES II. CHARLES II. and CHARLES I. in the cause of PREROGATIVE. Likewise an extraordinary price will be paid for the discovery of any ANCESTOR of REMOTE ANTIQUITY and HIGH FAMILY; such as the immortal DUKE ROLLO, companion of WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR, and founder of the present illustrious family of ROLLE.

N.B. No greater reward will be offered, as THE HERALDS have received directions for making NEW.

VIVE LE SCRUTINY.

CROSS GOSPEL THE FIRST.

----But what says my good LORD BISHOP OF LONDON to this same WESTMINSTER SCRUTINY--this daily combination of rites, _sacred_ and _profane_--ceremonies _religious_ and _political_ under his hallowed roof of ST. ANN'S CHURCH, SOHO? Should his Lordship be unacquainted with this curious process, let him know it is briefly this:--At _ten_ o'clock the HIGH BAILIFF opens his inquisition in the VESTRY, for the PERDITION OF VOTES, where he never fails to be honoured with a crowded audience.--At _eleven_ o'clock the HIGH PRIEST mounts the rostrum in the CHURCH for the SALVATION OF SOULS, without a single _body_ to attend him; even his corpulent worship, the clerk, after the first introductory AMEN, filing off to the Vestry, to lend a hand towards reaping a quicker harvest!--The alternate vociferations from Church to Vestry, during the different SERVICES, were found to cross each other sometimes in responses so apposite, that a gentleman who writes shorthand was induced to take down part of the Church-medley-dialogue of one day, which he here transcribes for general information, on a subject of such singular importance, _viz_.

HIGH BAILIFF.--I cannot see that _this here fellow_ is a just vote.

CURATE.--"_In thy sight shall no man living be justified._"

Mr. FOX.--I despise the pitiful machinations of my opponents, knowing
the just cause of my electors must in the end prevail.

CURATE.--"_And with thy favourable kindness shalt thou defend him as
with a shield._"

WITNESS.--He swore d--n him if he did not give Fox a plumper!

CLERK--"_Good Lord! deliver us._"

Mr. MORGAN.--I stand here as Counsel for Sir CECIL WRAY.

CURATE.--"_A general pestilence visited the land, serpents and_ FROGS
_defiled the holy temple._"

Mr. PHILLIPS.--Mr. HIGH BAILIFF, the audacity of that fellow opposite
to me would almost justify my chastising him in this sacred place;
but I will content myself with rolling his heavy head in the
neighbouring kennel.

CURATE.--"_Give peace in our time, O Lord!_"

Sir CECIL WRAY.--I rise only to say thus much, that is, concerning
myself--though as for the matter of myself, I don't care, Mr. HIGH
BAILIFF, much about it--

Mr. FOX.--Hear! hear! hear!

CURATE.--"_If thou shalt see the ass of him that hateth thee lying
under his burthen, thou shalt surely help him._"

Sir CECIL WRAY.--I trust--I dare say--at least I hope I may venture
to think--that my Right Hon. friend--I should say enemy--fully
comprehends what I have to offer in my own defence.

CURATE.--"_As for me I am a worm, and no man; a very scorn of men,
and the outcast of the people!--fearfulness and trembling are come
upon me, and an horrible dread overwhelmed me!!!_"

HIGH BAILIFF.--As that _fellow there_ says he did not vote for Fox,
who did he poll for?

CURATE.--"BARRABAS!--_now Barrabas was a robber._"

VIVE LE SCRUTINY.

CROSS GOSPEL THE SECOND.

HIGH BAILIFF.--This here case is, as I may say, rather _more_ muddier than I could wish.

DEPUTY GROJAN.--_Ce n'est pas clair_--I _tink_, Sir, with you.

CURATE.--"_Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, O Lord!_"

Mr. FOX.--Having thus recapitulated all the points of so contradictory an evidence, I leave you, Mr. High Bailiff, to decide upon its merits.

CURATE.--"_He leadeth Counsellors away spoiled, and maketh Judges fools._"

HIGH BAILIFF.--I don't care three brass pins points about that there--though the poor _feller_ did live in a shed; yet as he says he once boiled a sheep's head under his own roof, which I calls his _casthillum_--_argyle_, I declares him a good _wote_!

CLERK.--"_Oh Lord! incline our hearts to keep this law._"

BAR-KEEPER.--Make way for the parish-officers, and the other _gemmen_ of the _Westry_.

CURATE.--"_I said my house should be called a house of prayer, but ye have made it a den of thieves!_"

Mr. ELCOCK.--_Mr. High Bailey!_ Sir, them there _Foxites_ people are _sniggering_ and _tittering_ on the other side of the table; and from what I can guess I am sure it can be at nobody but you or me.

CURATE.--"_Surely I am more brutish than any man, and have not the understanding of a man!_"

Sir CECIL WRAY.--I am sure this same SCRUTINY proves sufficiently burthensome to me.

CURATE.--"_Saddle me an ass, and they saddled him._"

HIGH BAILIFF.--Mr. HARGRAVE here, my counsel, says--it is my opinion that this _wote_ is legally substantiated according to law.

CURATE.--"_So_ MORDECAI _did, according to all that_ JEHOSAPHAT _commanded him!_"

Mr. PHILLIPS.--And now, friend MORGAN, having gone through my list of thirty votes, and struck off twenty-six bad, from that number, I will leave you to make your own comment thereon.

CURATE.--"_And lo! when they arose in the morning, they were all dead corpses!_"

HIGH BAILIFF.--But for God's sake, good Sir, in that case, what will the people justly say of _me?_

CURATE.--"_Let a gallows be erected fifty cubits high, and to-morrow speak unto the King, that_ MORDECAI _may be hanged thereon!_"

PARAGRAPH-OFFICE, IVY-LANE.

Whereas by public orders from this office, all GENTLEMEN RUNNERS and SCRIBBLERS, PUNNERS and QUIBBLERS, PUFFERS, PLAISTERERS, DAUBERS and SPATTERERS, in our pay, and under our direction, were required, for reasons therein specified, to be particularly diligent in defending and enforcing the projected DUTY ON COALS.

AND WHEREAS the virtuous and illustrious CHANCELLOR OR THE EXCHEQUER, patriotically resolving to prefer the private interests of his friends to the public distress of his enemies; and prudently preferring the friendship of Lord LONSDALE to the satisfaction of ruining the manufactures of IRELAND, has accordingly signified in the HOUSE OF COMMONS, that he intends to propose some other tax as a substitute for the said duty.

THIS IS TO GIVE NOTICE to all Gentlemen Runners, and Scribblers, as aforesaid, that they hold themselves ready to furnish, agreeably to our future orders, a sufficient number of panegyrical paragraphs, properly ornamented with _Italics_ and CAPITALS, notes of interrogation, and notes of admiration, apostrophe's and exclamations, in support of any tax whatever, which the young Minister in his wisdom may think proper to substitute. AND in the mean time that they fail not to urge the public spirit and zeal for the national welfare, humanity to the poor, and regard for the prosperity of our manufacturers, which considerations ALONE induced the Minister to abandon his original purpose of taxing coals: AND that they expatiate on the wise exemptions and regulations which the Minister would certainly have introduced into his bill for enacting the said tax, but that (as he declared in the House of Commons) unfortunately for the finances of this country, he had not time in the present Session of Parliament to devise such exemptions and regulations: AND FINALLY, that they boldly assert the said tax to have been GOOD, POLITIC, JUST, and EQUITABLE; but that the new tax, which is to be substituted in place of it, will necessarily be BETTER, MORE POLITIC, MORE JUST, and MORE EQUITABLE.

MAC-OSSIAN,
_Superintendent-general of the Press._

PITT AND PINETTI. A PARALLEL.

SIGNOR PINETTI the Conjuror, and Mr. PITT the Premier, have a wonderful similitude in the principal transactions and events by which they are distinguished.

PINETTI, in defiance of Mr. COLMAN, took possession of his property in the HAYMARKET THEATRE, and by the help of a little agency behind the scenes, played several tricks, and became popular!

Mr. PITT in like manner seized upon another THEATRE-ROYAL, in the absence of the rightful possessor, the Duke of PORTLAND. He had not, it is true, the permission of a LORD CHAMBERLAIN as PINETTI had; but the countenance of a LORD OF THE BEDCHAMBER was deemed equivalent. Here he exhibited several surprising tricks and deceptions: we will say nothing of the agency, but all present appeared delighted. PINETTI also exhibited in the presence of Royalty, and with equal success, as the sign manual he boasts of will testify.

PINETTI cuts a lemon in two, and shews a KNAVE OF DIAMONDS--Mr. PITT in like manner can divide the HOUSE OF COMMONS, which for its acidity may be called the political lemon. He cannot at present shew a KNAVE OF DIAMONDS; but what may he not do when Mr. HASTINGS arrives?[1]

PINETTI takes a number of rings, he fastens them together, and produces a CHAIN.--Does any person dispute Mr. PITT's ability to construct a CHAIN?

PINETTI has a SYMPATHETIC LIGHT, which he extinguishes at command--Mr. PITT's method of leaving us in the dark is by BLOCKING UP our WINDOWS!

PINETTI takes money out of one's pocket in defiance of all the caution that can be used--Mr. PITT does the same, without returning it.--In this the Minister differs from the Conjuror!

PINETTI attempted to strip off an Englishman's shirt; if he had succeeded, he would have retained his popularity.--Mr. PITT attempted this trick, and has carried his point.

PINETTI has a bird which sings exactly any tune put before it.--Mr. PITT has upwards of TWO HUNDRED birds of this description.--N.B. PEARSON says they are a pack of CHATTERING MAGPIES.

[1] The Editor feels it necessary to declare, in justice to Mr. HASTINGS's character, that the charges since preferred by the HOUSE OF COMMONS, and MAJOR SCOTT's _honour as a Gentleman_, have amply disproved all parts of this comparison.

NEW ABSTRACT OF THE BUDGET, FOR 1784.

COMMUTATION TAX.--An Act for rendering houses more chearful, healthy, comfortable, and commodious.

PAPER DITTO.--An Act for the encouragement of authors, the promotion of learning, and extending the liberty of the press.

POSTAGE DITTO.--An Act for expediting business, increasing social intercourse, and facilitating the epistolary correspondence of friends.

DISTILLERY DITTO.--An Act for making the landlords responsible to government for the obedience of their own and their neighbours tenantry.

CANDLE DITTO.--An Act for the benevolent purpose of putting the blind on a level with their fellow-creatures.

EXCISE GOODS DITTO.--An Act for lessening the burthen of the subject by an increase of the collection.

SOAP DITTO.--An Act for suppressing the effeminacy of Englishmen, by disappointing them of clean linen.

SMUGGLING DITTO.--An Act for demonstrating the arbitrary spirit of this free government, in whatever clashes with the interests of the Treasury.

GAME DITTO.--An Act for making the many responsible, for a monopoly of every thing nice and delicate, to the palates of the few.

HORSE DITTO.--An Act for reducing the farmers to the wholesome exercise of walking, while their servants enfeeble themselves with riding.

THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY.

At the last grand FETE given by Mr. JENKINSON to his friends in Administration, it was proposed, that as WILBERFORCE had sprained his leg at the last game at LEAPFROG, and PRATT had grown too fat for their old favourite sport of HIDE-AND-SEEK, some new diversion should be instituted.--Various _succedanea_ were suggested, such as CHUCK-FARTHING, MARBLES, &c. but at last the general voice determined in favour of the DRAMA.--After some little altercation as to what particular dramatic production to select, the comic opera of TOM JONES was performed, and the arrangement of characters was disposed of as follows:

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
BLIFIL, - - MR PITT.
BLACK GEORGE, - MR. ROBINSON.
KING OF THE GYPSIES, - LORD THURLOW.
THWACKAM, - MR. JENKINSON.
SQUARE, - - DR. PRETTYMAN.
SQUIRE WESTERN, - MR. ROLLE.
PARTRIDGE, - - MR. MACPHERSON.

The parts of ALLWORTHY, TOM JONES, and SOPHIA, were subjects of long and difficult discussion; but at length Mr. DUNDAS put an end to the altercation, by assuring the company that he was willing and able to act ANY part, and would be glad, though at so short a notice, to attempt that of ALLWORTHY. The same offer was handsomely made by Lord DENBIGH for that of TOM JONES, and the character of SOPHIA was at last allotted to VILLIERS.

THE WESTMINSTER GUIDE.