Chapter I: I have been a bit slack, I own-- I have been a bit leisurely;

but----

LILY.

[_Inspecting some of the flowers about the room._] Nicko, that pendant, or whatever it is, you've given me-- I don't want to hurt you, but I won't accept it. You take it away with you; do you hear?

JEYES.

[_Not heeding her, weakly._] Lil----

LILY.

I'm in earnest; you remove it from off my premises.

JEYES.

Lil-- [_she returns to him_] my eldest brother-- Robert-- [_looking up at her_] Bob-- [_She nods inquiringly._] Bob's at me to go out to Rhodesia, to manage a group of stock farms he's interested in near Bulawayo.

LILY.

Oh, why don't you go?

JEYES.

[_Forlornly._] Rhodesia! Bulawayo! [_Looking up at her again with a dismal smile._] Come with me?

LILY.

Don't be absurd.

JEYES.

[_Rising and putting his hands upon her shoulders._] No, you wouldn't care a straw-- not a brass farthing-- if I _did_ go, would yer!

LILY.

[_Softening again._] Stuff! I should miss you horribly. [_Toying with a button of his waistcoat._] Who'd bring me home from the theatre at night then, and from rehearsals; who----?

JEYES.

Ah, _who_! [_His grip tightening on her._] _Who!_

LILY.

[_Wincing._] Ssss! You'll bruise my skin if you're not careful.

JEYES.

[_Taking her hand and crumpling it in his._] Well, it might be that you'd miss me for a while-- the old dog that you're accustomed to find lying on your door-mat; [_pressing her hand to his lips_] but you don't _love_ me, Lil-- not even as much as you did a year ago. You don't _love_ me!

LILY.

[_With a faint shrug of her shoulders._] Perhaps I don't, in the way you mean; [_wistfully_] perhaps it's not in me really to love anybody in a marrying way. [_Meeting his eyes._] Still, as you say----

JEYES.

As I say----?

LILY.

[_Pursing her mouth at him winningly._] I'm _accustomed_ to you, Nicko. [_He draws her to him; but, with a laugh, she checks him by offering him her head to kiss._] There-- [_putting the point of her finger playfully on the crown of her head_] you may _there_. [_As he kisses her._] Now I must run upstairs, or mother'll whack me.

JEYES.

[_Detaining her._] Won't you allow me to fetch you after the dance?

LILY.

Three or four in the morning! No; I'll give you a rest. Uncle Lal or Sam'll take on your job. [_Going to the door._] And don't try to see me to-morrow.

JEYES.

[_Sharply._] Why not?

LILY.

Not till you turn up at night as usual. I shall be a shocking rag all day.

JEYES.

[_Breaking out._] Yes, I expect you'll manage to enjoy yourself thoroughly, and dance yourself off your feet, whoever your partners may be!

LILY.

[_Wilfully._] Expect I shall. [_Tossing her head up._] Ha, ha! I'll do my best.

[_She departs, leaving him standing near the tea-table. He takes out
his handkerchief and mops his brow. As he does so, his eyes rest upon
the telephone-instrument on the writing-table and he stares at it. He
hesitates, as if struggling to resist an impulse; then he goes quickly
to the instrument and puts the receiver to his ear._

JEYES.

[_After a pause._] Gerrard, three, eight, four, eight. [_Discovering that LILY has left the door wide open, he lays the receiver upon the writing-table and goes to the door and shuts it. Then he returns to the writing-table and again listens at the receiver._] Is that the office of the Pandora Theatre?... [_Suddenly, imitating the voice of DE CASTRO._] Ith Mithter Morrith Cooling in?... I'm Mithter de Castro ... Tham de Castro ... Gone, ith he?... Oh, ith that you, Mithter Hickthon?... Yeth, you'll do ... About the thupper-party to-night that Mithter Smythe ith giving to Mith Parradell ... Yer there?... I didn't quite underthtand whether ith to be at the theatre or at a rethtaurong ... At the theatre?... Oh, yeth ... A largth party?... Oh, that _ith_ nithe!... Who are the guesth, d'ye know?... Yeth?... Yeth?... Oh, an' the boyth!... oh, thome o' the _boyth_ are comin', are they!... Hey?... Haven't got the litht from Mithter Roper yet?... Oh, _he'th_ been helpin' to get it up!... Oh, we _shall_ have a thplendid time!... The boyth!... Yeth!... Yeth!... ha, ha, ha, ha!... thankth.... goo'bye!

[_He replaces the receiver and stands looking at the door for a
moment. Then, with his head bent and his hands clasped behind him, he
goes slowly out._

END OF THE FIRST ACT.

THE SECOND ACT

_The scene is an artistically decorated refreshment-saloon-- or "foyer"-- on the first-circle floor of a theatre. The wall facing the spectator is panelled partly in glass, and through the glazed panels the corridor behind the circle, and the doors admitting to the circle, are seen. The right-hand wall is panelled in a similar way, showing the landing at the top of the principal staircase and an entrance to the corridor. Some music-stands and stools are on the landing, arranged for a small orchestra._

_In the right-hand wall there is a double swing-door giving on to the landing; and in the wall at the back, opening on to, and from, the corridor, there is a single swing-door on the left and another on the right. The left-hand door is fastened back into the saloon by a hook. Between the two doors in the back wall runs the refreshment-counter._

_In one of the further corners of the saloon there is a plaster statue representing the Muse of Comedy, in the opposite corner a companion figure of Dancing. In the wall on the left, the grate hidden by flowers, is a fireplace with a fender-stool before it, and on either side of the fireplace there is a capacious and richly upholstered arm-chair. A settee of like design stands against the wall on the right between the double-door and the spectator._

_The counter is decked-out as a sideboard, and at equal distances from each other there are four round tables laid for a supper-party of twenty-six persons. There are eight chairs at one table and six at each of the others, the chairs being of the sort usually supplied by ball-caterers._

_The saloon and the landing without are brilliantly lighted, the corridor less brightly._

[_LUIGI and four waiters-- one of whom has a curly head and a fair
beard ending in two flamboyant points-- are putting the finishing
touches to the laying of the tables, while MORRIS COOLING, a person of
imposing presence displaying a vast expanse of shirt-front, is engaged
in placing upon each of the serviettes a card bearing the name of a
guest._

COOLING.

[_Referring to a plan of the tables which he has in his hand._] Miss Connify-- Miss Connify-- Miss Connify-- where's Miss Connify? Ah, here you are, my dear-- [_moving to MISS CONNIFY'S chair and putting a card upon her serviette_] next to old Arthur.

[_The four waiters, obeying a direction in dumb-show from LUIGI, go
out at the door on the left._

LUIGI.

[_A little, dark, active man-- viewing the tables with satisfaction._] Tables look nice, Mr. Cooling?

COOLING.

[_Absorbed._] Not bad-- not bad-- not bad. [_LUIGI follows the waiters._] Miss Kato? [_Moving to another table and laying a card upon a serviette._] Gabrielle.

[_ROPER bustles in through the double-door, in high feather._

ROPER.

Hul-lo! [_Cutting a caper._] Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, and how are you to-morrow!

COOLING.

[_Deep in his plan of the tables._] Hullo, Lal!

ROPER.

[_Surveying the tables._] Splendid! [_Going from one table to another._] Seating 'em, hey?

COOLING.

Mr. Palk-- Mr. Palk-- Mr. Palk? [_Placing another card._] Albert.

ROPER.

Which d'ye make your principal table?

COOLING.

There it is; you're at it.

ROPER.

Ah, yes. [_Examining the cards._] "Miss Lily Parradell--"! [_His jaw falling._] Why, you've gone and put the Baron on her right!

COOLING.

[_Unconsciously._] Well, what's the objection?

ROPER.

Where's Farncombe? Where's Lord Farncombe?

COOLING.

On the other side, with Dolly Stidulph and Enid.

ROPER.

Rats!

COOLING.

What do you mean by Rats? [_Advancing to the principal table-- nettled._] Look heah, Lal----!

ROPER.

My dear fellow, Miss Parradell is the heroine o' the party; the seat next to her is the seat of honour.

COOLING.

That's why I've put the Baron there. With things as they are between England and Germany----

ROPER.

If Germany doesn't like it, she must lump it. Lord Farncombe's the eldest son of an Earl; you can't get over that.

COOLING.

[_Picking up FARNCOMBE'S card._] Oh, have it your own way.

ROPER.

[_Picking up VON RETTENMAYER'S card._] Besides, the Baron's sweet on Enid just now; I'm sure he'd prefer-- [_They exchange the cards and rearrange them._] thanks, ol' man. Sorry I was shirty.

COOLING.

[_Laying down his plan and cards and producing a letter from his breast-pocket._] By-the-bye, the fair Lily-- the heroine of the party, as you call her-- is in a pretty tantrum over the whole business.

ROPER.

Tantrum?

COOLING.

[_Unfolding the letter._] Had this from her ten minutes ago. Listen to _this_. [_Reading._] "My Dressing-room. 11-15. 80 degrees, with the windows open." [_In an injured tone._] Haw, so I should think!

ROPER.

[_Concerned._] What's amiss?

COOLING.

[_Reading._] "Morrie, you pig." [_ROPER whistles._] "Morrie, you pig. I should feel deeply indebted to you if you would kindly inform me why the devil you went out of your way to deceive me last night. You led me to suppose-- and so did that lying worm Lal Roper----" [_looking at ROPER_] _You._

ROPER.

Oh, lord!

COOLING.

[_Resuming._] "--that lying worm Lal Roper----"

ROPER.

[_Testily._] All right, all right.

COOLING.

"--you both led me to suppose that this rotten banquet was to be a family gathering of the ladies and gentlemen of the Pandora Theatre, and no outsiders asked. Now I find that only three or four of the men of the Company are invited, and I hear from Nita Trevenna, who has got it from young Kennedy, that several of the Boys are to be laid on for the occasion. The result is you have made me tell a regular whopper to a particular friend of mine with regard to this affair----"

ROPER.

[_Passing his hand over his brow._] Nicko Jeyes.

COOLING.

"--which I will never forgive you for, Morris Cooling-- neither you nor Lal Roper. As true as I am alive, I have a jolly good mind not to show, but to put on my old rags and go straight home. You are two cads. So take it out of that and believe me, Always yours affectionately, Lil."

ROPER.

[_Walking about._] Well, I'm blessed!

COOLING.

[_Returning the letter to his pocket._] Haw! Tasty document!

ROPER.

Lying worm and a cad! And from Miss Lily Margaret Upjohn! [_To COOLING._] Done anything about it?

COOLING.

No; waited for you. [_Going on with his arrangements at the tables._] _You're_ responsible. What _I_ did last night was simply to oblige a pal.

ROPER.

[_Irresolutely._] I'd better run round to her, and try to smooth her down, hadn't I?

COOLING.

Perhaps you _had_. [_Placing a card._] Mr. Stewart Heneage. [_To ROPER._] Why you wanted to mislead the girl I can't understand.

ROPER.

Damn it, you agreed that that sulky brute Jeyes 'ud be a wet blanket! You blow hot and cold, you do!

COOLING.

There you go! More filthy temper!

ROPER.

If ever I assist in getting up another party----! [_As he reaches the door on the left, he encounters CARLTON SMYTHE, who is entering at that moment, and puts on his humourous manner._] Hul-lo! Here we are again! All change for Oxford Circus!

SMYTHE.

[_A bulky, sleepy-looking man with grey hair, a darker moustache and beard, and a heavy, rolling gait._] Ha, Lal!

ROPER.

I'm just going to have a word with Lil Parradell.

[_He disappears and SMYTHE advances._

COOLING.

[_Approaching SMYTHE._] How are you to-night, Chief?

SMYTHE.

[_A silk hat on the back of his head, an overcoat on his arm-- regarding the preparations with disgust._] Puh! Here's a muck and a muddle!

COOLING.

Don't worry; we'll clear it away in no time. Shall I tell you who are coming?

SMYTHE.

No; I shall know soon enough. What was the house to-night?

COOLING.

[_Producing a long slip of paper and handing it to SMYTHE._] Big. [_SMYTHE scans the paper through half-closed lids and gives a growl of contentment._] Haw! And the weather dead against us.

SMYTHE.

[_Screwing up the paper, and cramming it into his waistcoat-pocket._] There's no bad weather for a good play. [_Looking at his hands._] I'll go and have a wash and brush up. [_LUIGI returns, entering at the door on the left, and goes behind the counter. The waiters follow him, carrying some melons lying upon ice in plated dishes. They deposit the dishes upon the counter and LUIGI proceeds to cut the melon into slices. COOLING resumes, at a table on the left, the placing of the cards. As SMYTHE is moving towards the right-hand door at the back, STEWART HENEAGE and GERALD GRIMWOOD-- two exquisitely dressed youths with blank faces-- enter from the landing. SMYTHE shakes hands with them._] Ha, Mr. Heneage! Ha, Mr. Grimwood! [_HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD murmur some polite expressions._] Excuse me; I'm just going to wash my hands. [_DE CASTRO enters, also at the double-door, and SMYTHE shakes hands with him. HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD drift over to COOLING, who hails them warmly._] How do, Sam! Back in a moment; just going to wash my hands.

DE CASTRO.

[_Detaining him._] I thay, Carlton.

SMYTHE.

Eh?

DE CASTRO.

[_Lowering his voice._] I've been in front again to-night. Magnifithent! Marvellouth!

SMYTHE.

[_Resignedly._] It'll do; I shall get a couple o' years out of it.

DE CASTRO.

There'th jutht _one_ little improvement I'd like to thee, if I may thuggetht it.

SMYTHE.

What's that?

DE CASTRO.

[_Linking his arm in SMYTHE'S._] You're thure you won't conthider me prethumptuouth?

SMYTHE.

Of course not; very kind of yer.

DE CASTRO.

[_In SMYTHE'S ear._] If you _could_ give Gabth-- Mith Kato-- a tiny bit more to do in the thecond act----!

SMYTHE.

[_Nodding._] Ah, yes, yes.

DE CASTRO.

She'th a little lump o' talent, that gal, if you only realithed it; a perfect little lump o' talent.

SMYTHE.

[_Trying to escape._] Er-- I'll think it over.

DE CASTRO.

Will yer! An extra thong! That'th all it need be-- an extra thong! Oh, it would be _thuch_ an improvement! [_VON RETTENMAYER enters at the double-door. The waiters now go to the tables and lay a plate with a slice of melon upon it at each cover._] Here'th the Baron. We've been thitting together to-night, I and the Baron. [_Wringing SMYTHE'S hand._] Thankth. [_Joining COOLING and the others on the left as SMYTHE greets VON RETTENMAYER._] Hullo, Morrith! [_Shaking hands with HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD._] Well, boyth!

SMYTHE.

[_Shaking hands with VON RETTENMAYER._] Glad to see yer, Baron.

VON RETTENMAYER.

Zo good of you to haf me.

SMYTHE.

Excuse me; I'm just going to wash my hands.

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Detaining him._] Bardon me-- one moment----

SMYTHE.

Eh?

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Dropping his voice._] May I dake the liberdy of indulging in a liddle griticism on your eggcellent blay?

SMYTHE.

Certainly.

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Drawing SMYTHE away from the tables._] Gome here. [_His mouth close to SMYTHE'S ear._] The zecond aggd!

SMYTHE.

Second act; what's the matter with it?

VON RETTENMAYER.

The pard where the gharming Miss Barradell is ghanging her gostume----

SMYTHE.

Yes?

VON RETTENMAYER.

That is where the biece reguires lifding-- [_with a gesture_] lifding.

SMYTHE.

Lifting?

VON RETTENMAYER.

Mr. Davish-- Mr. Balk-- eggsdremely glever; [_slipping his arm through SMYTHE'S_] but if you could zee your way glear to gif Enid-- Miss Mongreiff-- anoder dance----

SMYTHE.

[_Nodding._] Ah, h'm, h'm.

VON RETTENMAYER.

It would remove the zolitary imberfection.

SMYTHE.

Er-- I'll think it over. [_Releasing himself._] I'm just going to wash my hands. We'll talk about it later.

VON RETTENMAYER.

Schoensten Dank. [_Going to the men on the left._] Aha, Mr. Gooling! My dear Steward-- my dear Jerry----!

[_As SMYTHE is again making for the door on the left, MRS. STIDULPH
enters from the landing with COLONEL STIDULPH._

SMYTHE.

[_To MRS. STIDULPH._] Ha, Dolly! [_Kissing her._] How are you, my dear?

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_A mature but still beautiful woman, gorgeously dressed and wearing showy jewels-- with a lofty air._] How are you, Carlton?

SMYTHE.

[_To STIDULPH._] How d'ye do, Arthur? Delighted to see yer.

MRS. STIDULPH.

Lucky I'm able to come to you to-night. It's so difficult to catch me in the season.

SMYTHE.

Been in front?

MRS. STIDULPH.

M'yes; [_in a tone of boredom_] oh, yes.

SMYTHE.

What, don't you like it?

MRS. STIDULPH.

Oh, I don't say I _dis_like it; [_shrugging her shoulders_] but one can't forget what one _used_ to do here in the old days.

STIDULPH.

[_An elderly, distinguished-looking man with a meek voice and a courteous but rather nervous manner._] I've had a most enjoyable evening, Carlton. So bright; so very bright!

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_To STIDULPH, sneeringly._] Oh, anything pleases _you_; _you'd_ laugh at Punch and Judy.

SMYTHE.

I'm just running away to wash my hands. [_Looking towards the men on the left._] You know Von Rettenmayer?

MRS. STIDULPH.

Know him! Why, he was about in my time! [_Crossing to VON RETTENMAYER, followed by STIDULPH._] Karl!

VON RETTENMAYER.

My dear lady! [_Kissing her hand perfunctorily._] What bliss! [_Shaking hands with STIDULPH._] Golonel!

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_Shaking hands with DE CASTRO._] How are you, Sam?

DE CASTRO.

Ah, Dolly! [_To STIDULPH._] Hullo, Arthur!

COOLING.

[_Presenting HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD to the STIDULPHS._] Mr. Stewart Heneage-- Mr. Gerald Grimwood----

[_As the STIDULPHS leave SMYTHE, HERBERT FULKERSON enters from the
landing with FARNCOMBE. In dumb-show, SMYTHE and FULKERSON greet each
other and then FULKERSON introduces FARNCOMBE._

SMYTHE.

[_Shaking hands with FARNCOMBE._] Glad to make your acquaintance.

FARNCOMBE.

Glad to make _yours_, Mr. Smythe-- and in such circumstances!

FULKERSON.

[_A white-faced young man with red eyes and of dissipated appearance-- espying MRS. STIDULPH._] By Jove, if it isn't Dolly Ensor! [_Hurrying to MRS. STIDULPH._] What cheer, Dolly!

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_Coldly._] How do you do, Mr. Fulkerson?

FULKERSON.

[_Slightly abashed._] Oh, I-- I'm pretty middlin', thanks; hope you're the same. [_Nodding to STIDULPH._] Evenin', Arthur.

[_VINCENT BLAND has sauntered in at the door on the left and now joins
the group surrounding the STIDULPHS._

BLAND.

[_Nodding to HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD._] H'lo, Stewart! H'lo, Jerry! [_Coming to the STIDULPHS._] Dolly----Colonel----

SMYTHE.

[_To FARNCOMBE._] I'll be back in a minute or two; I'm just going to wash my hands.

FULKERSON.

[_Calling to FARNCOMBE._] Hi! Eddie!

[_FARNCOMBE crosses to FULKERSON and is presented by him to the
STIDULPHS. GABRIELLE KATO enters at the right-hand door at the back,
meeting SMYTHE as he is going out. The waiters have finished setting
the plates of melon upon the tables and now withdraw, carrying the
plated dishes and preceded by LUIGI, at the door on the left._

SMYTHE.

[_To GABRIELLE._] Ha, Gabby, my dear! Quite well, eh?

GABRIELLE.

[_A pretty young woman with a fretful little face expressive of extreme dissatisfaction with the world-- looking at SMYTHE spiritlessly._] This _is_ a treat. Why, you haven't been to see us for ages.

SMYTHE.

[_Cunningly._] I see you all far oftener than you suspect.

GABRIELLE.

Do you? That _is_ sly of you.

SMYTHE.

[_Leaving her._] I'm just going to have a wash and brush up.

GABRIELLE.

Really? Oh, you _are_ full of news.

[_He departs as DE CASTRO approaches GABRIELLE._

DE CASTRO.

[_In a low voice._] Hullo, Gabth! How are you to-night?

GABRIELLE.

Oh, I'm all right, I s'pose. Isn't it hot?

DE CASTRO.

[_Not at his ease with her._] It _ith_ inclined that way.

[_DAPHNE DURE, NITA TREVENNA, DOUGLAS GLYNN, and ALBERT PALK enter at
the door on the left. NITA is a tall, handsome girl, DAPHNE a plump,
little, fair, baby-faced thing. They are charmingly dressed, as are
all the ladies of the Pandora Theatre. GLYNN and PALK-- the latter a
short, thick-set man who might reasonably be a low comedian-- are two
professional-looking gentlemen of the best class. The arrivals are
warmly hailed by FULKERSON, VON RETTENMAYER, HENEAGE, and GRIMWOOD
and, with more reserve, by MRS. STIDULPH. STIDULPH has seated himself
wearily in the armchair on the nearer side of the fireplace and,
beyond listening to BLAND who is talking to him, has withdrawn himself
from the proceedings._

FULKERSON.

[_To FARNCOMBE._] Here's Daphne Dure-- and Nita Trevenna. [_Going to the new comers._] Hullo, Daphne! Hullo, Nita! How'r'yer, Douglas! Hullo, Albert!

DAPHNE and NITA.

How d'ye do, Bertie? [_To VON RETTENMAYER._] How d'ye do, Von?

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Kissing their hands._] Dear ladies! [_To GLYNN and PALK._] Aha, Mr. Glynn-- Mr. Balk--!

DAPHNE and NITA.

[_To HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD._] How d'ye do, Stewie? How d'ye do, Jerry? [_To MRS. STIDULPH._] Oh, Dolly! That you, Dolly?

MRS. STIDULPH.

Well, girls!

FULKERSON.

Here! I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Dure-- Miss Trevenna-- Lord Farncombe. Douglas-- Albert-- Lord Farncombe.

NITA.

[_Pouncing upon Cooling._] I say, Morris!

COOLING.

What is it, my dear?

NITA.

Is it true that little Kennedy's met with an accident?

COOLING.

Yes; can't join us.

FULKERSON.

The Dwarf! What's happened?

COOLING.

Ran his car into a 'bus, just outside the theatre.

NITA.

Oh!

COOLING.

Pitched himself forward on to his head.

NITA.

His head!

DAPHNE.

[_With a simper._] Don't be anxious, Nita; there's nothing to hurt _there_.

VON RETTENMAYER.

Poor Dwarf!

[_GABRIELLE and DE CASTRO now move over to the others._

FULKERSON.

Hullo, Gabs! Hullo, Sam!

GABRIELLE.

Ah, Bertie!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Kissing GABRIELLE'S hand._] Gabrielle!

GABRIELLE.

Ah, Von! [_To HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD._] Ah, boys! [_To MRS. STIDULPH._] How'r' _you_?

DE CASTRO.

[_Shaking hands._] Daphne-- Nita-- Douglath-- Albert--!

FULKERSON.

I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Kato-- Lord Farncombe----

[_A band of musicians have mustered upon the landing and there is the
sound of the tuning of instruments._

COOLING.

[_Hurrying across to the double-door._] No, no; no music yet. Wait for Miss Parradell! [_As he reaches the double-door, ROPER enters quickly at the right-hand door at the back and seizes his arm._] Eh?

ROPER.

[_To COOLING._] It's all right; she'll be round in a minute.

COOLING.

Amiable?

ROPER.

Angelic. She's wearing a new dress, and that's taken her mind off it.

COOLING.

Her bark's always worse than her bite. I knew it 'ud blow over.

ROPER.

[_Formidably._] Oh, but I have given her such a talking to! [_COOLING passes through the double-door, and instructs the leader of the band, while ROPER bustles over to the throng on the left._] Hul-lo! [_Imitating a street news-vendor._] Speshul edishun, cricket, py-per! [_Shaking hands all round._] Dolly-- Nita-- Gabs-- Daphne! Douglas-- Albert! Ah, here you are, Farncombe! [_Discovering STIDULPH._] Hul-lo, Colonel! Results, py-per, extry speshul!

[_ENID MONCREIFF, WILFRID TAVISH, and SIGISMUND SHIRLEY enter at the
right-hand door at the back. ENID is a long, spare-figured girl with
the lissom walk of a dancer; TAVISH and SHIRLEY are tall, clean-shaven
men of gentlemanlike appearance. VON RETTENMAYER makes for ENID
eagerly and is followed, at a more moderate pace, by HENEAGE,
GRIMWOOD, and DE CASTRO, and by FULKERSON bringing FARNCOMBE._

VON RETTENMAYER.

Miss Mongreiff! [_Kissing ENID'S hand with fervour._] Your dancing was more zurprizing to-night than ever. [_To TAVISH and SHIRLEY._] Aha, my friends!

ENID.

[_Shaking hands with HENEAGE, GRIMWOOD, and DE CASTRO._] Well, Stew! How are you, Jerry! Sam!

FULKERSON.

I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Moncreiff-- Lord Farncombe.

ROPER.

[_Hurrying across._] Hul-lo, here's Enid!

DE CASTRO.

[_Shaking hands with TAVISH and SHIRLEY._] Piethe went thplendidly thith evenin', didn't it?

FULKERSON.

[_Shaking hands with TAVISH and SHIRLEY._] I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Mr. Tavish-- Mr. Shirley-- Lord Farncombe.

ENID.

[_Coming forward to greet MRS. STIDULPH who advances to her._] Dolly dear!

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_Embracing ENID._] Enid darling! Good gracious, you're becoming an absolute skeleton!

ENID.

Indeed? Well, no one can say that of _you_.

MRS. STIDULPH.

It _is_ a pleasure, meeting all you girls to-night. Of course, one can't help seeing _changes_.

ENID.

[_Icily._] Ah, it must be a pleasure, _that_.

MRS. STIDULPH.

I'm going to scold dear old Carlton by-and-by. He never gave _me_ a birthday-party when I was with him.

ENID.

No; and you had so many birthdays here, hadn't you?

[_COOLING returns, entering from the landing, and, after looking at
the assembly, goes out at the right-hand door at the back. At the same
moment, FLO CONNIFY, SYBIL DERMOTT, OLGA COOK, and EVANGELINE
VENTRIS-- four statuesque beauties with impassive faces-- enter at the
door on the left. OLGA is in a dark gown and EVANGELINE is wearing a
rather elaborate head-dress. Instantly there is a movement in the
direction of the new arrivals on the part of ROPER, HENEAGE, and
GRIMWOOD. DE CASTRO and FULKERSON follow, FULKERSON still leading
FARNCOMBE about with him. MRS. STIDULPH turns from ENID disdainfully
and joins NITA and DAPHNE at the fireplace. TAVISH and SHIRLEY also
move to the left, where they come upon STIDULPH and shake hands with
him, while VON RETTENMAYER and ENID, the latter flushed with victory,
seat themselves upon the settee on the right._

ROPER.

[_Hastening to the beauties._] Hul-lo! Show your tickets, please! Room inside for four! [_Shaking hands._] How are you, Flo! How are you, Sybil! How are you, Olga! I _say_, look at 'Vangy!

THE FOUR BEAUTIES.

[_As the men shake hands with them, mechanically._] How d'ye do? How d'ye do? How d'ye do? How d'ye do?

FULKERSON.

Here! I want to introdooce Lord Farncombe. Miss Connify-- Lord Farncombe. Miss Dermott-- Miss Cook-- Miss 'Vangy Ventris-- Lord Farncombe.

THE FOUR BEAUTIES.

[_As before._] How d'ye do? How d'ye do? How d'ye do? How d'ye do?

[_COOLING hurries back._

COOLING.

[_To everybody._] Miss Parradell! [_Opening the double-door and signalling to the leader of the band._] Now!

[_The band strikes up the air of "Mind the Paint" as LILY enters at
the right-hand door at the back with JIMMIE BIRCH. LILY is dressed in
white, and altogether fulfils exteriorly ROPER'S description of
"angelic." She carries a large bouquet of lilies and pale roses with a
broad ribbon flowing from it. All the men but FARNCOMBE, who holds
aloof, press round her, STIDULPH rising and joining them. The ladies
follow._

THE MEN.

[_Struggling for her hand._] Many happy returns of day! Many happy returns of the day! Many happy returns of the day!

JIMMIE.

[_Battling with the men._] Keep away from her! Bertie, you're on her frock! Mind her frock!

ROPER.

Mind the paint!

SOME OF THE MEN.

Ha, ha, ha!

LILY.

[_Holding her bouquet above her head._] My roses! Be careful of me, boys! One at a time!

THE MEN.

Many happy returns of the day!

LILY.

I want to kiss the girls. Girls----!

[_The men make way for the ladies who come to LILY._

THE LADIES.

Many happy returns of the day!

LILY.

[_Embracing them._] Sybil-- Nita--! Oh, Mrs. Stidulph!-- Enid-- Daphne-- Gabs-- Flo dear-- Olga-- 'Vangy----!

PALK.

[_Suddenly._] Here's the guv'nor!

[_SMYTHE enters at the door on the left. LUIGI and the waiters are
behind him, the waiters carrying trays on which are sugar-casters and
dishes of powdered ginger. At once there is a movement towards SMYTHE
of everybody except those who have already greeted him, and LILY who
is detained by ROPER and others._

TAVISH.

How are you, guv'nor?

SOME OF THE LADIES.

How d'ye do, Mr. Smythe?

OTHER LADIES.

[_Hustling him._] How are you, Carlton?

SMYTHE.

[_In the midst of them all._] Girls, girls! I'll shake hands with you all in turn, girls.

ENID.

Thought you were dead.

DAPHNE.

Yes; look at Olga-- she's in deep mourning.

SOME OF THE LADIES.

Ha, ha, ha!

SMYTHE.

[_Shaking hands._] Don't, girls, don't; you're smothering me.

LILY.

[_During a momentary lull, finding FARNCOMBE standing before her and raising her eyebrows._] You! [_Giving him her hand carelessly._] Oh, it isn't long before we meet again, is it?

SMYTHE.

[_Puffing and blowing._] That's the lot of yer. Phew! Where's Lily? Lily here? [_The crowd divides, to allow him to advance. Seeing LILY, he opens his arms and she goes to him and lays her head upon his breast._] Lil-- [_patting her shoulders_] my dear!

LILY.

[_Half gaily, half tearfully._] Ha, ha, ha! Carlton!

SMYTHE.

Go'blessyer! [_In another tone._] Well, what about something to eat!

LUIGI.

Ready, Mr. Smythe. [_Loudly._] Ladies and gentlemen, supper is ready!

SMYTHE.

Ha!

COOLING.

[_At the principal table._] Here you are, Chief! Miss Parradell!

SMYTHE.

[_To LILY._] Come along!

[_There is a general hunt for places and much hubbub and confusion._

COOLING.

[_Calling to ROPER._] Lal, that's your table.

ROPER.

[_Imitating a shop-walker._] Mr. Roper, forward!

COOLING.

Mrs. Stidulph! Lord Farncombe! [_Pointing to another table._] Glynn, you're there.

BLAND.

Here you are, Daphne!

ROPER.

[_At his table._] Miss Kato, wanted!

DE CASTRO.

[_Calling to GABRIELLE._] Gabth!

NITA.

[_Calling to HENEAGE._] Stewie!

COOLING.

Baron-- Enid----

VON RETTENMAYER.

Aha!

COOLING.

[_To STIDULPH._] Over there, Colonel.

FULKERSON.

[_Wandering about._] Where am _I_? Where am _I_?

NITA.

[_Pushing him aside._] Oh, be off!

LILY.

[_Calling._] Jimmie!

COOLING.

[_At his place at a table._] Olga, you're here. Mr. Grimwood!

FULKERSON.

Where am _I_?

JIMMIE.

[_To FULKERSON._] Next to me, worse luck. [_Screwing up her face at him._] Ugh!

ROPER.

Ladies' mantles on the second-floor!

COOLING.

Where's Sybil?

DAPHNE.

[_Calling._] Syb! Syb!

[_The curtain falls, but the music of "Mind the Paint" continues for a
while. Then it ceases and, after a short silence, the curtain rises
again. The supper-tables have disappeared and the saloon is empty of
people. The musicians and their music-stands and stools have also
gone, and faintly from the distance comes the sound of a waltz. Two
settees, matching the rest of the furniture, now stand in the centre
of the saloon back-to-back, one of them facing the counter, the other
facing the spectator. LILY'S bouquet lies on the nearer of the two
settees, and upon the floor there is a fan, a red rose that has fallen
from a lady's corsage, and a pocket-handkerchief with a powder-puff
peeping from it. On the counter there are carafes of lemonade,
decanters of spirits and syphons of soda-water, a bowl of
strawberries-and-cream, various dishes of cakes, boxes of cigars and
cigarettes, a lighted spirit-lamp, and other adjuncts of a buffet.
COLONEL STIDULPH wanders in through the double-door as the waltz comes
to an end. Feebly and dejectedly he goes to the counter, takes a
cigarette, and is lighting it when LUIGI and the waiters enter the
door on the left. Two of the waiters are carrying bottles of champagne
in wine-coolers, another brings a tray on which are champagne-glasses
and tumblers, and the bearded waiter follows with a large dish of
sandwiches._

LUIGI.

[_Behind the counter-- to STIDULPH, familiarly._] Ain't you dancing, Colonel?

STIDULPH.

Dancing-- I? [_Shaking his head._] No.

LUIGI.

[_Who speaks Cockney English with a slight foreign ascent-- cutting the wire of a champagne bottle._] Why, you used to be a regular slap-up dancing man when I first knew you.

STIDULPH.

[_Nodding._] Ah, ah; [_moving away_] my dancing days are done.

LUIGI.

Done! Oh, I like that! I bet you ain't sixty, come now, eh?

STIDULPH.

What's the time, Luigi? I haven't a watch on.

LUIGI.

Time, Colonel? [_Looking at his watch._] Twenty to three.

STIDULPH.

No later? [_Sitting on the settee on the right, with a sigh._] Oh, dear!

[_One of the waiters goes out, in obedience to a direction from LUIGI,
at the door on the left as HENEAGE enters with ENID, GRIMWOOD with
NITA, and VON RETTENMAYER with MRS. STIDULPH at the right-hand door at
the back. A wisp of hair has fallen over HENEAGE'S forehead, GRIMWOOD
looks somewhat downcast, and VON RETTENMAYER is obviously bored by
MRS. STIDULPH._

ENID.

[_To HENEAGE, walking across to the left._] Never been to Ostend! You've never been born, then. I'm counting the hours to my holiday. [_Sitting in the chair on the nearer side of the fireplace._] Hôtel de la Plage. Why don't you run over while I'm there?

NITA.

[_To GRIMWOOD, following ENID._] My dear boy, I give you my solemn word it wasn't you. It was that fool Bertie. Anyhow, it's a rotten old frock. [_Showing a small rent in her skirt to ENID, gaily._] Pom, pa-ra, rom, pom, pom!

[_HENEAGE and GRIMWOOD go to the counter, secure a waiter, and return
with him to ENID and NITA. The waiter receives his orders and
presently fetches the ladies glasses of lemonade._

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_Whispering to VON RETTENMAYER._] Well! Did you ever! Just fancy!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Absently, looking at ENID._] I beg your bardon?

MRS. STIDULPH.

Fancy those two girls walking into a room before _us_! [_Discovering the fan upon the floor._] Oh, I do believe that's my fan!

[_VON RETTENMAYER restores the fan to MRS. STIDULPH as ROPER and
GABRIELLE enter at the door on the left._

GABRIELLE.

[_To ROPER, in a low, complaining voice._] It's a shame of you; that's what it is. You went and put Lily Parradell into rubber and enabled _her_ to make a bit. She told us so.

ROPER.

Yes; but how long ago?

GABRIELLE.

That's not the point. The point is, it's always Lily Parradell with you; you never do anything for us other girls.

[_She sits upon the nearer settee in the centre and she and ROPER, he
standing by her, continue their conversation._

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] No, thanks; I'm on a diet. Didn't you notice me at supper? [_Moving to the settee on the right._] Let's sit. [_To STIDULPH._] Oh, get up. [_STIDULPH rises quickly._] Why aren't you dancing? If you don't dance, go home and put yourself to bed. You might, for all the good you're doing here.

STIDULPH.

[_With a forced, painful laugh._] Ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_As MRS. STIDULPH seats herself._] Blenty of room for you too, Golonel.

STIDULPH.

No, no; I won't inconvenience you.

[_He moves away and VON RETTENMAYER sits beside MRS. STIDULPH. The
waiter who has previously gone out now returns at the door on the left
with a tray of ices in paper cases. He goes to the counter for a
supply of ice-spoons as FARNCOMBE enters with LILY at the right-hand
door at the back. Her cheeks are flushed, her eyes sparkling._

ROPER.

[_All his attention suddenly directed to LILY and FARNCOMBE._] Here's Lil!

LILY.

[_Excitedly, seizing STIDULPH'S hand._] You're not dancing, Colonel Stidulph. [_Showing him her programme._] Dance with me. I'll make one of the others give up a dance for you.

STIDULPH.

[_Going to the counter._] No, no; I'm too old.

LILY.

Too old for dancing! I shall never be too old for dancing. [_Coming to the nearer settee in the centre, picking up her bouquet, and sitting beside GABRIELLE._] Ah-h-h-h!

ROPER.

[_To FARNCOMBE, who follows LILY._] Hul-lo! [_Beaming._] Jolly party, hey, Farncombe?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Boyishly._] Lovely! [_To LILY._] May I bring you some lemonade-- an ice----?

LILY.

[_Looking up at him._] You may keep on bringing me ices till the music starts again. [_FARNCOMBE leaves her._] Gabby, wasn't that waltz delicious!

[_PALK and SYBIL enter at the door on the left. SYBIL seats herself
beside NITA on the fender-stool and PALK fetches her some
refreshment._

GABRIELLE.

[_To LILY, drearily._] I say, Lil.

LILY.

What?

GABRIELLE.

How much did you make out of rubber last year through Lal?

LILY.

Rubber, rubber, rubber? Br-r-r-rh! I don't know. [_To ROPER._] How much?

ROPER.

Four-fifty.

GABRIELLE.

There!

LILY.

I did my house up with it-- gave the job to young Charlie Ramsden who's gone in for decorating----

ROPER.

Yes, and blued the whole lot at one go!

LILY.

[_Laughing._] Blued it completely. Ha, ha, ha! [_Singing._] "What does the blue sea Whisper to me-ee--!" [_FARNCOMBE appears at her side with the waiter carrying the ices._] Ices!

ROPER.

[_Leaving GABRIELLE and, with his hands in his pockets, walking about exultingly._] Ices, sweets or chocolates, full piano-score! Hul-lo, here! Ha, ha, ha!

[_GLYNN and OLGA and DE CASTRO and EVANGELINE have entered at the
right-hand door at the back. OLGA and EVANGELINE seat themselves upon
the further settee in the centre and GLYNN and DE CASTRO summon a
waiter to attend upon them. SHIRLEY and FLO now enter at the door on
the left and go to the counter. At the same moment SMYTHE, COOLING,
and TAVISH enter at the right-hand door at the back, SMYTHE smoking a
huge cigar. They also stand at the counter and are served with drinks
by LUIGI. LILY and GABRIELLE having each taken an ice, the waiter with
the ices moves away and offers his ices to the other ladies. Another
waiter carries round a tray on which are a box of cigarettes and the
spirit-lamp, and the bearded waiter moves about with the dish of
sandwiches. Some of the ladies light cigarettes, a few of the men take
sandwiches._

COOLING.

[_As he enters with SMYTHE and TAVISH._] Haw, haw, haw! You're wonderful, Chief. [_To TAVISH._] The Chief's in great form, Willy. [_To STIDULPH._] Colonel, listen to the Chief.

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_To VON RETTENMAYER, confidentially._] Of course, this is strictly between ourselves-- though I almost hinted as much to Smythe-- but the fact is the Pandora isn't in the least what it _was_, Karl.

VON RETTENMAYER.

Noding is what it was, my dear Dolly, and nobody.

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_Fanning herself._] I suppose he can't find the artists; _that's_ it. If you don't have the artists--! [_Shutting up her fan._] You recollect my "Polly Taggart" in _The Merry Milliner_?

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Stifling a yawn._] Gharming; gharming.

[_FARNCOMBE is bending over LILY while she is eating her ice and they
are talking lightly but intently. GABRIELLE, finding that she is "out
of it," rises with a pout and, carrying her plate, joins the ladies
and men who are at the fireplace. BLAND enters with JIMMIE at the door
on the left._

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] I hate blowing my own trumpet, but I was looking through my press-cuttings only yesterday. _I've_ never seen such notices as I had for "Polly Taggart."

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Closing his eyes._] Vavourable?

MRS. STIDULPH.

Favourable! They make me blush to read them. Stupid of me; but they make me blush, positively.

[_JIMMIE comes to LILY, BLAND following her. On her way she sees the
handkerchief and powder-puff lying upon the floor._

JIMMIE.

Why, _there_ it is! [_Picking up the handkerchief and puff, and rubbing the puff, which is an extremely ragged one, over her nose-- singing sentimentally._] "There are no friends like the old friends, The constant, tried, and true;--" [_Sitting beside LILY._] Room for a little 'un?

[_LILY, without interrupting her talk with FARNCOMBE, lays her hand on
JIMMIE'S for a moment._

BLAND.

[_To JIMMIE._] Bring you anything?

JIMMIE.

[_Wrapping the puff in the handkerchief tenderly and slipping it into her bosom._] A liqueur of petrol and a lucifer-match.

BLAND.

[_Leaving her._] Oh, go on!

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] And then to give it all up, as I was idiot enough to do when I married, and for a life as dull as ditch-water! If ever a woman sacrificed herself in this world----!

[_FULKERSON and DAPHNE enter at the door on the left and hurry to the
counter._

FULKERSON.

[_Boisterously._] Time! Time! [_To those standing at the counter._] 'Low me. 'Low me. [_To LUIGI._] Glass o' lemonade and a whiskey-and-soda. Quick with the whiskey-and-soda.

MRS. STIDULPH.

[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] But I don't intend to stick to _that_ arrangement. If I can't get back into the theatres, there are the halls! I was telling the Colonel this morning----

ROPER.

[_Appearing before MRS. STIDULPH, his programme in his hand._] Ours, Dolly.

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Rising with alacrity._] Aha! [_Bowing to MRS. STIDULPH._] I yield with relugtance.

[_ROPER sits beside MRS. STIDULPH and VON RETTENMAYER hastens to
ENID._

ROPER.

[_To MRS. STIDULPH._] Another waltz.

DAPHNE.

[_To HENEAGE, who is claiming her._] Wait till I've finished my drink, Stewie.

BLAND.

[_To NITA._] Nita.

NITA.

No; this is with Douglas.

BLAND.

Nothing o' the sort.

NITA.

[_Referring to her programme._] You're correct; my mistake.

DE CASTRO.

[_Coming to GABRIELLE who is talking to SYBIL._] Gabth.

GABRIELLE.

[_Dolefully._] Oh, you again!

DE CASTRO.

[_Mortified._] Afraid tho.

[_The sound of distant music is again heard, and there is a great deal
of bustle as the men claim their partners. TAVISH goes to EVANGELINE,
GRIMWOOD to, FLO, PALK and GLYNN to OLGA and SYBIL, and gradually the
assemblage melts away._

FULKERSON.

[_Coming to JIMMIE, who is conning her programme, and standing before her-- reading from his programme._] "_Vawlse. Cry dee cure._"

JIMMIE.

[_With withering accuracy._] "_Valse. Cri de coeur._"

FULKERSON.

[_Wagging his head._] Very likely. Come along, Jimmie.

JIMMIE.

[_Rising and shaking herself out._] Jane to you, _if_ you please.

FULKERSON.

Tosh!

JIMMIE.

I was christened Jane, _Herbert_.

FULKERSON.

Well, I wasn't at the christening, see.

JIMMIE.

No; but if you are not more careful of those feet of yours while you're waltzing, you _will_ be at my funeral.

[_She takes his arm and they go out at the door on the left. SMYTHE,
STIDULPH, COOLING, and SHIRLEY follow, talking together. All the
couples have now disappeared except VON RETTENMAYER and ENID and
FARNCOMBE and LILY. VON RETTENMAYER and ENID are at the counter, where
LUIGI is giving VON RETTENMAYER a glass of champagne, and the waiters
are busying themselves in collecting the soiled glasses, plates, etc.,
which have been left upon the mantel-piece and chairs. The bearded
waiter comes to LILY and she hands him her plate._

FARNCOMBE.

[_To LILY._] Shall we go down?

[_She rises, leaving her bouquet upon the settee, and is about to put
her arm through FARNCOMBE'S when she checks herself and looks at her
programme._

LILY.

[_Frowning._] Tsss!

FARNCOMBE.

Eh?

LILY.

[_In a low voice._] One, two, three, four--! Why, this-- this is our fifth dance!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Softly._] Yes.

LILY.

Five out of eight!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Looking at his programme._] And 10, 12, and 14 are mine, too.

LILY.

[_With a movement of her shoulders, accepting his arm._] How unfair!

FARNCOMBE.

[_As they go to the right-hand door at the back._] Unfair?

LILY.

To the others. I can't think what made me so thoughtless.

[_They disappear. Two of the waiters carry out the soiled glasses,
etc.; another follows with the ices, and the bearded waiter with the
strawberries-and-cream. After a while, LUIGI also withdraws._

ENID.

[_Leaving the counter with VON RETTENMAYER._] Well, what did you say to him?

VON RETTENMAYER.

I told him the biece wants lifding in the zecond aggd and that he ought to gif you anoder dance.

ENID.

[_On the right._] What did _he_ say?

VON RETTENMAYER.

He will think it over!

ENID.

[_Scornfully._] Ha! That's Smythe's invariable formula, cunning old fox!

VON RETTENMAYER.

But we are to dalk aboud it lader. I am waiding to ged him alone.

ENID.

Pff! _You_ won't get him alone, you stupid; _he'll_ take precious good care of that. [_Finding that LUIGI and the waiters have departed, and walking across to the left._] Ah, but it isn't dancing my mind's dwelling on just now, dear boy.

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Following her._] Nod?

ENID.

It's rest I'm yearning for-- my holiday!-- rest for my weary bones. [_Turning to him without a sign of disturbance._] Karl, I'm simply bursting with rage.

VON RETTENMAYER.

Rage?

ENID.

That wretched hotel at Ostend-- the Plage! They've the confounded impudence to ask me a hundred-and-twenty-five francs a day for two cubby-holes on the third floor, for my aunt and me.

VON RETTENMAYER.

Monsdrous. [_With a shrug._] But Ostend is-- Ostend.

ENID.

Thanks for the information. Is that all the sympathy you can offer?

VON RETTENMAYER.

Bardon. [_Humbly._] There may be gheaper hodels.

ENID.

Where the common people pay for their beds and meals with Cook's coupons! [_Sitting upon the arm of the further settee in the centre and swinging her feet._] Oh, it doesn't matter. I suppose it'll have to be Swanage, or some brisk resort of that description. [_Sighing._] So be it! [_Humming._] Tra, lal, lal, la----!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Sitting on the nearer settee in the centre, close to her, with an anxious expression._] A hundred-and-twendy-five frangks a day?

ENID.

Including nothing-- absolutely nothing!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Biting his nails._] Prezisely! There's the eading and dringking.

ENID.

One can't starve, that's certain.

VON RETTENMAYER.

Which would amound to----?

ENID.

[_Watching him out of the corner of her eye._] I believe aunt and I could manage to feed ourselves on forty francs a day-- or fifty-- at a pinch.

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_His face growing longer and longer._] A hundred-and-twendy-five-- and fifdy----

ENID.

A hundred-and-seventy-five. [_Stroking his hair with a finger._] Call it two hundred.

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Leaning back appalled._] Fifdy-sigs bounds a weeg!

ENID.

Sixty, in round figures.

VON RETTENMAYER.

For a fordnight?

ENID.

Oh, no, dear; a fortnight's no use.

VON RETTENMAYER.

But one begomes sig of a blace afder a fordnight.

ENID.

If you only go for enjoyment; not if you go for rest-- rest.

VON RETTENMAYER.

Three weegs, then?

ENID.

A month. Smythe gives me the whole of August.

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Passing his hand across his forehead._] A month!

ENID.

[_Rising and carefully picking a piece of fluff from her skirt._] We're losing this dance. Shall we have a turn?

[_He gets to his feet with some difficulty and then faces her._

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Breathing heavily._] Enid----

ENID.

[_Guilelessly._] Yes?

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Putting his heels together and bowing to her._] If you would permid me to be your bangker during your sday at Ostend-- four weegs----

ENID.

Karl----

VON RETTENMAYER.

I should be mosd gradified.

ENID.

[_Going to him._] I couldn't. Such an obligation!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Bowing again._] On my side.

ENID.

[_Giving him her hands._] Of course, I'd defray my travelling expenses, and tips and incidentals----

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Raising her hands to his lips._] Ah!----

ENID.

Not a penny of those should fall on you. [_Withdrawing her hands quickly and backing away from him._] H'sh!

[_STIDULPH enters at the door on the left and again wanders to the
counter._

STIDULPH.

[_Taking another cigarette._] You're missing a very pretty waltz, Miss Moncreiff.

ENID.

[_Going to the door on the left, VON RETTENMAYER following her._] I was just saying so to the Baron.

[_ENID and VON RETTENMAYER disappear. STIDULPH lights his cigarette
and is leaving the counter when GABRIELLE and DE CASTRO enter at the
right-hand door at the back, DE CASTRO looking exceedingly sulky._

STIDULPH.

[_To GABRIELLE and DE CASTRO._] Ah, Miss Kato; ah, Sam! A pleasant party, eh?

DE CASTRO.

[_Shortly._] Yeth. [_STIDULPH goes out at the right-hand door at the back. DE CASTRO crosses to the left and then turns to GABRIELLE._] Dam pleathant party!

GABRIELLE.

[_Dolefully._] Well, don't make a scene.

DE CASTRO.

Thene! _I'm_ not makin' a thene. Walkin' away from me in the middle of a danthe and leavin' me thtandin' thtarin' after you like a detherted child! _You're_ makin' the thene!

GABRIELLE.

I'm very sorry.

DE CASTRO.

I'm jutht ath good a waltzther ath anyone here, and better than motht. [_Waving his arms._] If you're tired of me, announthe the fact quietly. Don't go and wipe your bootth on me in public, becauthe that hurtth my pride.

GABRIELLE.

[_With a little twist of her body._] I can't do more than apologise. First time I've ever done _that_ to a man.

DE CASTRO.

[_Coming to her, mollified._] I don't athk it, Gabth; I don't athk it. All I athk----

GABRIELLE.

[_Sitting on the nearer settee in the centre._] If I'm rude, it's owing to my low spirits. I'm so shockingly low-spirited.

DE CASTRO.

I know you are, and I make allowanthes for yer. I repeat, all I athk----

GABRIELLE.

[_Gazing at vacancy._] Mine's a strange nature. _On_ the stage, I'm liveliness itself----!

DE CASTRO.

A perfect little lump o' talent! I've been tellin' Carlton tho-- perthuadin' him to introduthe an extra thong for you in Act Two.

GABRIELLE.

[_Looking at DE CASTRO._] You have?

DE CASTRO.

Yeth.

GABRIELLE.

Did he promise to think it over?

DE CASTRO.

Hith exthact wordth!

GABRIELLE.

[_With a hollow laugh._] Ha, ha, ha! [_Resuming her former attitude._] As I was remarking, I'm a mass of inconsistency. _On_ the stage the embodiment of elfish fun----

DE CASTRO.

That wath in the _Mail_.

GABRIELLE.

[_Nodding._] In the _Mail_. _Off_ the stage, I'm a sufferer from what's called the artistic temperature-- no-- temperament----

DE CASTRO.

[_Uncomfortably, patting her shoulder._] Po' little girl; po' little girl!

GABRIELLE.

[_Her melancholy increasing._] Sometimes I've an idea that if I had a motor-car of my _own_ I should feel easier and happier.

DE CASTRO.

[_With a change of tone._] What d'ye mean-- motor-car of yer own? Mine'th alwayth at your dithpothal, ithn't it?

GABRIELLE.

[_Shaking her head._] That's not the same thing. Whenever I have yours out, I'm weighed down by a sense of borrowing.

DE CASTRO.

Well, if I gave you a new car, you'd be weighed down by a thenthe of my havin' paid for it.

GABRIELLE.

At first I should, but not for long. Seeing my family crest on the door-panels, instead of your monogram, 'ud help me to forget you'd had anything to do with it. [_Gloomily._] Of course, it 'ud only be an experiment. It might cheer me up, or it mightn't.

[_The music ceases. A waiter carrying a tray enters at the door on the
left, goes behind the counter, and mixes some drinks._

DE CASTRO.

[_After a pause, loosening his collar-- in a low voice._] Here! We'd better dithcuth thith experiment. [_Glancing over his shoulder at the waiter._] Let'th come and thit in the pit.

GABRIELLE.

[_Rising._] I can't argue; my head's too bad for that.

DE CASTRO.

[_Leading her to the double-door._] I don't want to argue; I thimply want to arrive at an underthtandin'. Thuppothin' I buy you a car, am I to be made an arth of at the nexth danthe we happen to meet at-- yeth or no?----

[_They go out on to the landing and disappear as FULKERSON hurries in
at the right-hand door at the back. His eyes are rather glassy and his
utterance is a little thick._

FULKERSON.

[_To the waiter, joining him behind the counter._] Hi! Wake up, there! Gla'sodawa'erf'misspirch'nth'stage. [_Distinctly._] Misspirch-- on th'stage-- gla'-- sodawa'er. I'll have a whiskey. Wh'sthwhiskey? Which-- is-- the-- whiskey? Than'g. [_Pouring some whiskey into a tumbler._] You take sodaw'er t' Misspirch; I'll mix m'own whiskey. Loo' sharp, sodaw'er Misspirch. [_The waiter goes out with the drinks and FULKERSON, glass in hand, comes to the nearer side of the counter. He swallows his drink greedily, singing to himself between the gulps._] "Oh, the gals! Oh, the gals! I am awfully fond of the gals! [_Putting his empty glass upon the counter and making for the door on the left._] Be they ebon or blond, Of the gals I am fond; I am _dreadfully_ fond of the gals!"

[_He vanishes as FARNCOMBE and LILY enter at the right-hand door at
the back. There is an air of constraint and uneasiness about the girl.
She comes to the nearer settee in the centre and again picks up her
bouquet. FARNCOMBE follows her. They talk in subdued voices and with
frequent pauses._

FARNCOMBE.

Another ice?

LILY.

[_Rearranging a rose, almost inaudibly._] No, thanks.

FARNCOMBE.

[_After a pause._] I-- I wish I had given you a bouquet instead of a big, ugly basket.

LILY.

Why?

FARNCOMBE.

You-- you might have brought it to the theatre, as you have that one, and carried it about with you.

LILY.

[_Coldly._] I didn't bring this to the theatre.

FARNCOMBE.

No?

LILY.

I found it with a lot of other flowers at the stage-door. It's from the gallery boys-- [_looking at him for a moment steadily_]-- and I attach some value to it.

[_The bearded waiter enters at the right-hand door at the back, takes
a box of cigars from the counter, and goes out at the door on the
left. LILY walks away from FARNCOMBE and seats herself upon the
further settee in the centre._

FARNCOMBE.

[_After the waiter has withdrawn, producing his programme._] Number Nine. "_Two Step. Mind the Paint._" [_To LILY._] Of course, you-- you are engaged for this?

LILY.

And you, surely?

FARNCOMBE.

No, I-- I kept it open, in case-- in case----

LILY.

[_Decidedly._] I dance it with Morrie.

FARNCOMBE.

Mr. Cooling?

LILY.

Morrie Cooling.

FARNCOMBE.

[_After another pause, sitting, behind her, upon the nearer settee._] Miss Parradell.

LILY.

Well?

FARNCOMBE.

I wonder whether Mr. Cooling would let you off.

LILY.

I shouldn't dream of asking him.

FARNCOMBE.

No, but-- may _I_?

LILY.

[_Haughtily._] I beg you'll do nothing of the sort.

FARNCOMBE.

Forgive me.

[_There is a further pause and then she turns to him._

LILY.

Why I spoke so-- so sharply to you-- was----

FARNCOMBE.

You didn't speak sharply to me.

LILY.

Was because I've been very nasty with Morrie-- wrote him a furious letter-- and I want to make it up to him.

FARNCOMBE.

Ah, yes.

LILY.

I called him a pig, and other things; I hate myself for it.

FARNCOMBE.

A pig?

LILY.

[_Smiling._] Still, that's no reason why I should be nasty with _you_.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Laughingly._] And call _me_ a pig.

LILY.

[_Impulsively, kneeling upon the settee so that she may compare her programme with his._] Look here! Fifteen-- the last but one. Are you fixed up for Fifteen?

FARNCOMBE.

No.

LILY.

No!

FARNCOMBE.

I kept it open-- in case----

LILY.

[_Merrily._] Ha, ha--! [_Checking herself, severely._] I _might_ be able to give you Fifteen. [_FARNCOMBE scribbles on his programme eagerly._] Don't count on it, please; but it's booked to Mr. Fulkerson, and Bertie's not always to be depended upon at that hour.

FARNCOMBE.

Thank you-- thank you-- thank you. [_She resumes her seat and he jumps up and goes to her._] That reminds me. May I ask who is going to see you home, Miss Parradell?

LILY.

See me home?

FARNCOMBE.

It would be an honour that I should-- appreciate-- more than I can-- find words to express.

LILY.

[_Rising, sternly._] I am very much obliged to you. [_Walking away from him again._] I dare say Mr. Roper will see me home-- and Mr. de Castro-- and Mr. Bland----

FARNCOMBE.

[_Following her, unhappily._] I-- I hope-- I-- I hope I haven't offended you.

LILY.

Not in the least; [_in a frigid tone_] only I am in the habit of relying on old friends for those little services.

[_STIDULPH enters from the landing and again wanders to the counter
and to the cigarettes. The "Mind the Paint" air, to the time of a Two
Step, is played in the distance._

FARNCOMBE.

[_Bowing to LILY slightly and drawing himself up._] Shall I-- take you to Mr. Cooling?

LILY.

[_With dignity, inclining her head._] Will you? [_She is putting her hand through his arm when the look upon his face softens her. She drops her voice to a whisper._] Have I hurt you?

FARNCOMBE.

Oh, I deserve the rebuke.

LILY.

No, you don't. [_Gently._] You may leave me at my door, with the others, if it will give you any satisfaction.

[_As they walk to the door on the left, they are met by COOLING._

COOLING.

[_To LILY, breathlessly._] Haw! Here you are!

LILY.

[_Leaving FARNCOMBE, her manner altering completely._] Come on, Morrie! [_Her feet moving to the music._] Tra, lal, la! Tra, lal, la! [_Giving her bouquet to FARNCOMBE._] Hi-i-i-i-i! Bring my flowers!

COOLING AND LILY.

Tra, lal, la! Tra, lal, la----!

[_They run out, half dancing._

STIDULPH.

[_Calling to FARNCOMBE, who is following them._] Lord Farncombe!

FARNCOMBE.

Yes?

STIDULPH.

[_Going to him._] Will you spare me a moment?

FARNCOMBE.

[_A little impatiently._] Er-- certainly.

STIDULPH.

[_Laying a shaky hand on FARNCOMBE'S arm and leading him away from the door._] Excuse me for what I'm going to say to you. I-- I know your father-- knew him very well years ago-- and your mother. [_With deep feeling._] My boy-- my dear boy----

FARNCOMBE.

[_Surprised._] Colonel?

STIDULPH.