Chapter I: Front Matter

[Transcriber's Note:

The HTML version of this e-text includes the third-act song
("If you would only, only love me") in three forms: raw lilypond
(.ly extension, can be converted to other formats), .pdf (image),
and MIDI file. Some sites will allow you to download these files
individually; if so, look in the "files" directory associated with
the HTML text.

The published play did not include music for the title song ("Mind
the Paint"), sung in Act I.

Errors are listed at the end of the e-text.]

THE
"MIND THE PAINT"
GIRL

_The Plays of Arthur W. Pinero_

Paper cover, 1s 6d; cloth, 2s 6d each

THE TIMES
THE PROFLIGATE
THE CABINET MINISTER
THE HOBBY-HORSE
LADY BOUNTIFUL
THE MAGISTRATE
DANDY DICK
SWEET LAVENDER
THE SCHOOLMISTRESS
THE WEAKER SEX
THE AMAZONS
* THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY
THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
THE PRINCESS AND THE BUTTERFLY
TRELAWNY OF THE "WELLS"
+ THE GAY LORD QUEX
IRIS
LETTY
A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE
HIS HOUSE IN ORDER
THE THUNDERBOLT
MID-CHANNEL
PRESERVING MR. PANMURE
THE "MIND THE PAINT" GIRL

* This Play can be had in library form, 4to, cloth,
with a portrait, 5s.

+ A Limited Edition of this play on hand-made paper,
with a new portrait, 10s net.

THE PINERO BIRTHDAY BOOK
Selected and Arranged by MYRA HAMILTON
With a Portrait, cloth extra, price 2s 6d.

_London: William Heinemann_

THE

"MIND THE PAINT"

GIRL

_A COMEDY_
_In Four Acts_
_By ARTHUR PINERO_

London: William Heinemann
MCMXIII

_Copyright 1912_
_by Arthur Pinero_

_This play was produced in London, at the Duke of York's Theatre, on Saturday, February 17, 1912; in New York, at the New Lyceum Theatre, on Monday, September 9, 1912; and in Germany, at the Stadttheater in Mainz, on Monday, January 13, 1913_

_The Persons of the Play_

VISCOUNT FARNCOMBE
COLONEL THE HON. ARTHUR STIDULPH
BARON VON RETTENMAYER
CAPTAIN NICHOLAS JEYES
LIONEL ROPER
SAM DE CASTRO
HERBERT FULKERSON
STEWART HENEAGE
GERALD GRIMWOOD
CARLTON SMYTHE (_Manager of the Pandora Theatre_)
DOUGLAS GLYNN, ALBERT PALK, }
WILFRID TAVISH, and } (_Actors at the Pandora_)
SIGISMUND SHIRLEY }
VINCENT BLAND (_A Musical Composer, attached to the Pandora_)
MORRIS COOLING (_Business Manager at the Pandora_)
LUIGI (_Maître d'hôtel at Catani's Restaurant_)
WAITERS

THE HON. MRS. ARTHUR STIDULPH
(_Formerly, as Dolly Ensor, of the Pandora Theatre_)
LILY PARRADELL }
JIMMIE BIRCH }
GABRIELLE KATO }
ENID MONCRIEFF }
DAPHNE DURE } (_Of the Pandora_)
NITA TREVENNA }
FLO CONNIFY }
SYBIL DERMOTT }
OLGA COOK }
EVANGELINE VENTRIS }
MRS. UPJOHN (LILY PARRADELL's _mother_)
GLADYS (LILY's _parlourmaid_)
MAUD (LILY's _maid_)

_The action of the piece takes place in London-- at LILY PARRADELL'S house in Bloomsbury, in the foyer of the Pandora Theatre, and again at LILY'S house._

_The curtain will be lowered for a few moments in the course of the Second Act._

_The following advertisements are to appear conspicuously in the programme._

MIND THE PAINT (the complete song), words by D'Arcy Wingate, music by Vincent Bland, as originally sung by Miss LILY PARRADELL at the Pandora Theatre in the Musical Play of "THE DUCHESS OF BRIXTON," may be obtained from Messrs. Church and Co. (Ltd.), Music Publishers, 181 New Bond Street.

AFTER THE THEATRE. CATANI'S RESTAURANT, 459 Strand. Best _cuisine_ in London. Milanese Band. Private Rooms. Urbano Catani, Sole Proprietor. Tel.: 10,337 Gerrard.

THE "MIND THE PAINT" GIRL

THE FIRST ACT

_The scene is a drawing-room, prettily but somewhat showily decorated. The walls are papered with a design representing large clusters of white and purple lilac. The furniture is covered with a chintz of similar pattern, and the curtains, carpet, and lamp-shades correspond._

_In the wall facing the spectator are two windows, and midway between the windows there is the entrance to a conservatory. The conservatory, which is seen beyond, is of the kind that is built out over the portico of a front-door, and is plentifully stocked with flowers and hung with a velarium and green sun-blinds. In the right-hand wall there is another window and, nearer the spectator, a console-table supporting a high mirror; and in the wall on the left, opposite the console-table, there is a double-door opening into the room, the further half of which only is used._

_In the entrance to the conservatory, to the right, there is a low, oblong tea-table at which are placed three small chairs; and near-by, on the left, are a grand-piano and a music-stool. Against the piano there is a settee, and on the extreme left, below the door, there is an arm-chair with a little round table beside it. At the right-hand window in the wall at the back is another settee, and facing this window and settee there is a smaller arm-chair._

_Not far from the fire-place there is a writing-table with a telephone-instrument upon it. A chair stands at the writing-table, its back to the window in the wall on the right; and in front of the table, opposing the settee by the piano, there is a third settee. On the left of this settee, almost in the middle of the room, is an arm-chair; and closer to the settee, on its right, are two more arm-chairs. Other articles of furniture-- a cabinet, "occasional" chairs, etc., etc.-- occupy spaces against the walls._

_On the piano, on the console-table and cabinet, on the settee at the back, on the round table, and upon the floor, stand huge baskets of flowers, and other handsome floral devices in various forms, with cards attached to them; and lying higgledy-piggledy upon the writing-table are a heap of small packages, several little cases containing jewellery, and a litter of paper and string. The packages and the cases of jewellery are also accompanied by cards or letters._

_A fierce sunlight streams down upon the velarium, and through the green blinds, in the conservatory._

[_Note: Throughout, "right" and "left" are the spectators' right and left, not the actor's._]

[_LORD FARNCOMBE, his gloves in his hand, is seated in the arm-chair
in the middle of the room. He is a simple-mannered, immaculately
dressed young man in his early twenties, his bearing and appearance
suggesting the soldier. He rises expectantly as GLADYS, a flashy
parlourmaid in a uniform, shows in LIONEL ROPER, a middle-aged
individual of the type of the second-class City man._

ROPER.

[_To FARNCOMBE._] Hul-lo! I'm in luck! Just the chap I'm hunting for. [_Shaking hands with FARNCOMBE._] How d'ye do, Lord Farncombe?

FARNCOMBE.

How are you, Roper?

GLADYS.

[_To ROPER, languidly._] I'll tell Mrs. Upjohn you're here.

ROPER.

Ta. [_GLADYS withdraws._] Phew, it's hot!

FARNCOMBE.

Miss Parradell's out.

ROPER.

[_Taking off his gloves._] She won't be long, I dare say.

FARNCOMBE.

I've brought her a few flowers.

ROPER.

Have you? I've sent her a trifle of jewellery.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Glancing at the writing-table._] She seems to have received a lot of jewellery.

ROPER.

[_Bustling across to the table._] By Jove, doesn't she! Ah, there's my brooch!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Modestly._] I didn't consider I'd a right to offer her anything but flowers, on so slight an acquaintance.

ROPER.

Exactly; but I'm an old friend, you know. [_Turning to FARNCOMBE._] Perhaps, by her next birthday----

FARNCOMBE.

[_Smiling._] I hope so.

ROPER.

[_Approaching FARNCOMBE and taking him by the lapel of his coat._] What I want to say to you is, doing anything to-night?

FARNCOMBE.

I-- I shall be at the theatre.

ROPER.

Oh, we shall all be at the theatre, to shout Many Happy Returns. Later, I mean.

FARNCOMBE.

Nothing that I can't get out of.

ROPER.

Good. Look here. Smythe is giving her a bit of supper in the foyer after the show, a dance on the stage to follow. About five-and-twenty people. 'Ull you come?

FARNCOMBE.

If Mr. Smythe is kind enough to ask me----

ROPER.

He _does_ ask you, through me. He's left all the arrangements to me and Morrie Cooling. Carlton never did anything in his life; _I_ egged him on to this. I've been sweating at it since eleven o'clock this morning. Haven't been near the City; not near it. Well?

FARNCOMBE.

[_His eyes glowing._] I shall be delighted.

ROPER.

Splendid. Been trying to get on to you all day. I've called twice at your club and at St. James's Place.

FARNCOMBE.

Sorry you've had so much trouble.

ROPER.

[_Dropping on to the settee in front of the writing-table and wiping his brow._] There'll be the Baron, Sam de Castro, Bertie Fulkerson, Stew Heneage, Jerry Grimwood, Dwarf Kennedy, Colonel and Mrs. Stidulph-- Dolly Ensor that was-- and ourselves, besides Cooling and Vincent Bland and the pick o' the Company. Catani does the food and drink. I don't believe I've forgotten a single thing. [_With a change of tone, pointing to the arm-chair in the middle of the room._] Sit down a minute. [_FARNCOMBE sits and ROPER edges nearer to him._] Are you going to wait to see Lily this afternoon?

FARNCOMBE.

I-- I should like to.

ROPER.

Because if Jeyes should happen to drop in while you're here----

FARNCOMBE.

Captain Jeyes?

ROPER.

Nicko Jeyes-- or if you knock up against him to-night at the theatre-- mum about this.

FARNCOMBE.

About the supper?

ROPER.

[_Nodding._] Um. We don't want Nicko Jeyes; we simply don't want him. And if he heard that you and some of the boys are coming, he might wonder why _he_ isn't included.

FARNCOMBE.

He strikes me as being rather a surly, ill-conditioned person.

ROPER.

A regular loafer.

FARNCOMBE.

He appears to live at Catani's. I never go there without meeting him.

ROPER.

Exactly. Catani's and a top, back bedroom in Jermyn Street, and hanging about the Pandora; that's Nicko Jeyes's life.

FARNCOMBE.

_He's_ an old friend of Mrs. Upjohn's and Miss Parradell's too, isn't he?

ROPER.

[_Evasively._] Known 'em some time. That's _it_; Lily's so faithful to her old friends.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Smiling._] _You_ oughtn't to complain of that.

ROPER.

Oh, but I'm a _real_ friend. I've always been a patron of the musical drama-- it's my fad; and I've kept an eye on Lily from the moment she sprang into prominence-- [_singing_] "Mind the paint! Mind the paint!" --looked after her like a father. Uncle Lal she calls me. [_Reassuringly._] I'm a married man, you know; [_FARNCOMBE nods_] but the wife has plenty to occupy her with the kids and she leaves the drama to me. She prefers Bexhill. [_Leaning forward and speaking with great earnestness._] Farncombe, what a charming creature!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Innocently._] Mrs. Roper?

ROPER.

No, no, no; Lily. [_Hastily._] Oh, and so's my missus, for that matter, when she chooses. But Lily Upjohn----!

FARNCOMBE.

[_In a low voice._] Beautiful; perfectly beautiful.

ROPER.

Yes, and as good as she's beautiful; you take it from me. [_With a wave of the hand._] Well, if you see Jeyes, you won't----?

FARNCOMBE.

Not a word.

ROPER.

[_Rising and walking away to the left._] I've warned the others. [_Returning to FARNCOMBE who has also risen._] By-the-bye, if Lily should mention the supper in the course of conversation, remember, _she's_ not in the conspiracy.

FARNCOMBE.

Conspiracy?

ROPER.

To shunt Nicko. We're letting her think there are to be no outsiders.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Becoming slightly puzzled by ROPER'S manner._] Why, would she very much like Captain Jeyes to be asked?

ROPER.

[_Rather impatiently._] Haven't I told you, once you're a friend of Lil's----! [_Looking towards the door._] Is this Ma? [_MRS. UPJOHN enters._] Hul-lo, Ma!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_A podgy little, gaily dressed woman of five-and-fifty with a stupid, good-humoured face._] 'Ullo, Uncle!

ROPER.

Lord Farncombe----

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Advancing and shaking hands with FARNCOMBE._] Glad to see you 'ere again. You _'ave_ been before, 'aven't you?

FARNCOMBE.

Last week.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Of course; you came with Mr. Bertie Fulkerson. But somebody or other's always poppin' in. [_Pleasantly._] Lil sees too many, _I_ say. It's tirin' for 'er. Won't you set?

ROPER.

Lord Farncombe's brought Lily some flowers, Ma. [_To FARNCOMBE._] Where are they?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Who, after waiting for MRS. UPJOHN to settle herself upon the settee in front of the writing-table, sits in the chair at the end of the settee-- pointing to a large basket of flowers._] On the piano.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Barely glancing at the flowers._] 'Ow kind of 'im! Sech a waste o' money too! They do go off so quick.

ROPER.

[_Reading the cards attached to the various floral gifts._] Where _is_ Lil?

MRS. UPJOHN.

She's settin' to a risin' young artist in Fitzroy Street-- Claude Morgan. She won't be 'ome till past five. So tirin' for 'er.

ROPER.

Never heard of Morgan.

MRS. UPJOHN.

No, nor anybody else. That's what I tell 'er. Why waste your time givin' settin's to a risin' young artist when the big men 'ud go down on their 'ands and knees to do you? But that's Lil all over. She's the best-natured girl in the world, and so she gets imposed on all round.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Gallantly._] I prophesy that Mr. Morgan's picture of Miss Parradell won't have dried before he's quite famous.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Turning a pair of dull eyes full upon him._] 'Ow do you mean?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Disconcerted._] Er-- I mean--

MRS. UPJOHN.

_Why_ won't it 'ave dried?

FARNCOMBE.

I mean he will have become celebrated _before_ it has dried.

MRS. UPJOHN.

'Is pictures never do dry, you mean?

ROPER.

No, no, Ma!

MRS. UPJOHN.

'Owever, it doesn't matter. 'E isn't even goin' to put 'er name to it.

ROPER.

Why not?

MRS. UPJOHN.

You may well ask. 'E's bent on callin' it "The 'Mind the Paint' Girl."

ROPER.

What's wrong with that? Everybody'll recognise who _that_ is.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Unconvinced._] 'Er name's printed on all 'er photos.

FARNCOMBE.

The first time I had the pleasure of seeing your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Upjohn, a man next to me said, "Here comes the 'Mind the Paint' girl."

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Cheering up._] Oh, well, p'r'aps young Morgan knows 'is own business best. Let's 'ope so, at any rate.

ROPER.

[_By the tea-table, beckoning to FARNCOMBE._] Farncombe----

FARNCOMBE.

[_To ROPER._] Eh? [_To MRS. UPJOHN, rising._] Excuse me.

[_FARNCOMBE joins ROPER, whereupon MRS. UPJOHN goes to the
writing-table and, seating herself there, examines the jewellery
delightedly._

ROPER.

[_To FARNCOMBE, in a whisper._] Do me a favour.

FARNCOMBE.

Certainly.

ROPER.

[_Looking at his watch._] It's only half-past four. Take a turn round the Square. I've some business to talk over with the old lady.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Nodding to ROPER and then coming forward and addressing MRS. UPJOHN._] I-- er-- I think I'll go for a little walk and come back later on, if I may.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Contentedly._] Oh, jest as you like.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Moving towards the door._] In about a quarter-of-an-hour.

MRS. UPJOHN.

If we don't see you again, I'll tell Lil you've been 'ere.

FARNCOMBE.

[_At the door._] Oh, but you will; you _will_ see me again.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Well, please yourself and you please your dearest friend, as Lil's dad used to say.

FARNCOMBE.

Thank you-- thank you very much.

[_He disappears, closing the door after him._

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_To ROPER, looking up._] I b'lieve you gave that young man the 'int to go, Uncle.

ROPER.

I did; told him I wanted to talk business with you.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Business? [_Resuming her inspection of the trinkets._] This is a 'andsome thing Mr. Grimwood's sent 'er.

ROPER.

[_His hands in his trouser-pockets, contemplating MRS. UPJOHN desperately._] Upon my soul, Ma, you're a champion!

MRS. UPJOHN.

_Now_ wot 'ave I done!

ROPER.

Well, you might spread yourself a little over young Farncombe.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Spread myself! Why should I?

ROPER.

Lord Farncombe!

MRS. UPJOHN.

I treat 'em all alike; so does Lil. 'E's not the first title we've 'ad 'ere, not by a dozen.

ROPER.

No, but damn it all--! I beg your pardon----

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Beaming._] So you ought-- swearin' like a trooper.

ROPER.

_This_ chap's in love with her.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Oh, they're all in love with 'er; or _'ave_ been, one time or another.

ROPER.

Yes, but they're not all Farncombes and they're not all marrying men. I'm prepared to bet my boots that if Lil and young Farncombe could be thrown together----! [_Sitting on the settee in front of the writing-table as MRS. UPJOHN rises and comes forward._] Here! Do talk it over.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Placidly._] Where's the use o' talkin' it over? It's wastin' one's breath. [_Moving to the settee by the piano._] My Lil doesn't want to marry-- any'ow not yet awhile; she's 'appy and contented as she is. [_Sitting and smoothing out her skirt._] When she does, I s'pose it'll be the Captain.

ROPER.

[_Between his teeth._] The Captain! [_Quietly._] Ma, the day Lil marries Nicko Jeyes, you and she'll see the last o' _me_.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Oh, don't say that, Uncle.

ROPER.

I do say it. The disappointment 'ud be more than I could stand. Selfish, designing beggar!

MRS. UPJOHN.

Now, no low abuse.

ROPER.

A fellow who gets on the soft side of Lil before she's out of her teens-- before she's made any position to speak of; and when she _has_ made a position, and _he's_ practically on his uppers, sticks to her like a limpet!

MRS. UPJOHN.

She sticks to 'im, too. It meant a deal to Lil in 'er 'umble days, reck'lect-- receivin' attentions from a gentleman in the army. She doesn't forget that.

ROPER.

[_Jumping up and walking about._] It's cruel; that's what it is-- it's cruel. Here's Gwennie Harker and Maidie Trevail both married to peers' sons, and Eva Shafto to a baronet-- all of 'em Pandora girls; and Lil-- _she's_ left high and dry, engaged to a nobody! It's cruel!

MRS. UPJOHN.

She's not ackshally engaged.

ROPER.

Ho, ho!

MRS. UPJOHN.

The ideer was, when 'e shirked goin' to India an' gave up soldierin', so as to be near 'er, that 'e should get something to do in London; _then_ they were to be engaged.

ROPER.

[_Sarcastically._] Oh, to be just, I admit he's in no hurry. He's been a whole year looking for something to do in London-- looking for it at Catani's and at the Pandora bars!

MRS. UPJOHN.

'E _'as_ to be on the spot at night, to bring Lil 'ome after 'er work.

ROPER.

Exactly! And when a decent, eligible young chap comes along, and means business, he's choked off by finding Nicko Jeyes in possession. [_Stopping before MRS. UPJOHN._] But, I say!

MRS. UPJOHN.

Wot?

ROPER.

_Farncombe_ hasn't tumbled to it yet.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Indifferently._] 'Asn't 'e?

ROPER.

Bertie Fulkerson's held his tongue about it; so have the other boys who're friends of Farncombe's. _They_ see he's hard hit. [_Enthusiastically._] Oh, they're good boys; they're good, loyal boys! There's not one of them who wouldn't throw up his hat if Nicko got the chuck. [_Suddenly._] Ma!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Startled._] Hey?

ROPER.

[_Dropping his voice._] This little spree to-night at the theatre-- Lil thinks it's to be merely among the members of the Company.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Ain't it?

ROPER.

[_Sitting beside her._] You keep quiet, now. No, it isn't.

MRS. UPJOHN.

'Oo----?

ROPER.

The boys-- and Farncombe.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Disturbed._] Gracious! There'll be an awful fuss with the Captain to-morrer.

ROPER.

[_Snapping his fingers._] Pishhh!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Rising and walking away to the right._] 'E's so 'orribly jealous. When Lil tells 'im 'oo was at the party, there'll be a frightful kick-up!

ROPER.

[_Falling into despondency._] Oh, I dare say I'm a fool for my pains, Ma. Nothing'll come of it. [_Rising and pacing the room again._] Farncombe's as shy as a school-girl; he'd be on a desert island with a pretty woman for a month without squeezing her hand.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_In an altered tone._] Uncle.

ROPER.

Hullo!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Thoughtfully._] _I_ shouldn't raise any objection, bear in mind, if Lil could be weaned away from the Captain and took a fancy to young Farncombe.

ROPER.

Objection!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Sitting on the settee in front of the writing-table._] All said an' done, to be Lady F., with no need to work if you're not disposed to, is better than bein' Mrs. Captain Jeyes an' 'avin' to linger on the stage, p'r'aps, till you drop, to 'elp keep the pot a' boilin'. [_Opening her eyes widely._] Lady F.!

ROPER.

[_Coming to her._] And Countess of Godalming when his father dies.

MRS. UPJOHN.

I s'pose there'd be any amount of unpleasantness with the fam'ly?

ROPER.

[_Disdainfully._] The family!

MRS. UPJOHN.

There's generally a rumpus in sech cases.

ROPER.

Why, Ma, these tiptop families ought to feel jolly grateful that we're mixing the breed for them a bit. Look at the two lads who've married Gwennie Harker and Maidie Trevail-- Kinterton and Glenroy; and Fawcus-- Sir George Fawcus-- Eva Shafto's husband; they haven't a chin or a forehead between 'em, and their chests are as narrow as a ten-inch plank.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Quite true.

ROPER.

Farncombe himself, _he's_ inclined to be weedy. I maintain it's a grand thing for our English nobs that their slips of sons have taken to marrying young women of the stamp of Maidie Trevail and Gwennie Harker-- or Lil; keen-witted young women full of the joy of life, with strong frames, beautiful hair and fine eyes, and healthy pink gums and big white teeth. Sneer at the Pandora girls! Great Scot, it's my belief that the Pandora girls'll be the salvation of the aristocracy in this country in the long run!

[_CAPTAIN NICHOLAS JEYES lounges in. He is a man of about
five-and-thirty, already slightly grey-haired, who has gone to seed.
ROPER sits in the chair in the middle of the room rather guiltily and
MRS. UPJOHN puts on a propitiatory grin._

JEYES.

[_Nodding to MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER as he closes the door._] Afternoon, Mrs. Upjohn. How'r'you, Roper?

MRS. UPJOHN.

Ah, Captain!

ROPER.

Hullo, Nicko!

JEYES.

[_Advancing._] Lily not in?

MRS. UPJOHN.

No; she's in Fitzroy Street, settin' to Morgan.

JEYES.

[_Frowning._] Why didn't she ask me to go with her?

MRS. UPJOHN.

Dun'no, I'm sure. She's took Miss Birch.

JEYES.

[_With a grunt._] Oh? [_Looking round._] Flowers.

MRS. UPJOHN.

'Eaps of 'em, ain't there?

ROPER.

[_Jerking his head towards the writing-table._] Yes, and some nice presents over here.

MRS. UPJOHN.

She's beat 'er record this year, Lil 'as, out an' out.

[_JEYES goes to the writing-table and ROPER and MRS. UPJOHN rise and
wander away, the former to the conservatory, the latter to the settee
by the piano._

JEYES.

[_Scowling at the presents._] Very nice. [_Picking up a case of jewellery._] Ve-ry nice. [_Throwing the case down angrily._] Confound 'em, what the devil do they take her for!

ROPER.

[_At the entrance to the conservatory._] I may remark that one of those gifts is from _me_, Jeyes.

JEYES.

Oh, I'm not alluding to _you_.

ROPER.

[_Stiffly._] Much obliged.

JEYES.

[_Coming forward and addressing MRS. UPJOHN._] I've called in to ask Lily whether she'll come out to supper with me to-night, to Catani's, to celebrate her birthday. Luigi's decorating a table for me specially. Mr. and Mrs. Linthorne'll come, and Jack Wethered. [_To ROPER._] Are you free, Roper? [_MRS. UPJOHN sits uneasily on the settee by the piano and ROPER finds some object to interest him near the tea-table._] I suppose it's no good asking _you_, Mrs. Upjohn?

MRS. UPJOHN.

N-n-o, thank you, Captain, and I-- I'm afraid----

JEYES.

Afraid----?

MRS. UPJOHN.

I'm afraid Lil can't manage it either.

JEYES.

Why not?

MRS. UPJOHN.

I-- I'm surprised she didn't mention it to you 'erself when you brought 'er 'ome last night.

JEYES.

Mention what?

MRS. UPJOHN.

They're givin' 'er a supper to-night at the theatre.

JEYES.

The theatre?

ROPER.

[_Advancing._] Yes, Carlton's standing a little spread in the foyer, in honour of the occasion. [_Sitting at the tea-table._] Quite right too; she's _his_ best asset, and chance it.

JEYES.

When was it fixed up?

ROPER.

Late last night.

JEYES.

The fact is, Lily and I had a slight tiff coming home last night. [_Sitting on the settee in front of the writing-table._] Ha! I suppose she kept it from me to pay me out. [_Sharply._] Who's invited?

ROPER.

Er-- only the principal members of the Company, I understand.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Moistening her lips with her tongue._] Yes, only the members of the Company, Lil says.

ROPER.

With Morrie Cooling and Vincent Bland thrown in.

JEYES.

[_Looking at ROPER._] _You_ seem to know a lot about it, Roper.

ROPER.

I was behind when Morrie was going round to the dressing-rooms.

JEYES.

[_To ROPER, suspiciously._] Are _you_ asked?

ROPER.

[_Taken aback._] E--eh?

JEYES.

Are _you_ asked?

ROPER.

[_With an attempt at airiness._] Oh, yes, they've dragged me into it.

JEYES.

Since when have _you_ been a member of the Company?

ROPER.

No, but-- dash it, I've done business for Carlton in the City for twenty years or more----!

JEYES.

That doesn't make you one.

ROPER.

And I'm an old friend of Lil's.

JEYES.

Not older than I. [_Violently._] Why the blazes doesn't Smythe invite _me_?

ROPER.

[_Extending his arms._] My dear Nicko, _I'm_ not giving the party. Really, you do jump down a man's throat----!

JEYES.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. [_Leaning back and thrusting his hands into his pocket._] Well, I'll put Jack and the Linthornes off. They don't want to sup with _me_; I shouldn't amuse 'em. [_Gazing at the carpet._] Her birthday, though! It'll be the first time I shall have been out of _that_ for-- how many years?-- six years. I---- [_Raising his head, he detects MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER eyeing each other uncomfortably._] Anything the matter?

ROPER.

T-t-the matter?

JEYES.

[_Taking his hands from his pockets and sitting upright._] Any game on?

MRS. UPJOHN.

Game?

JEYES.

At my expense?

MRS. UPJOHN.

I dun'no wot you're drivin' at, Captain.

JEYES.

[_Harshly._] How long's Lily sitting this afternoon?

MRS. UPJOHN.

Till five.

JEYES.

[_Looking at his watch._] What's Morgan's number in Fitzroy Street?

MRS. UPJOHN.

Sixty.

JEYES.

[_Rising._] I'll fetch her.

[_As he makes a movement towards the door, it is thrown open and LILY
PARRADELL enters with a rush-- an entrancing vision of youth, grace,
and beauty. She is followed by JIMMIE BIRCH, a _petite_, bright-eyed
girl in an extremely _chic_ costume._

LILY.

[_Tearing off her gloves as she enters._] Wh-e-e-w! I'm dead! [_Giving her hand to JEYES carelessly._] Ah, Nicko! [_To MRS. UPJOHN._] I couldn't stand the heat in the studio any longer, mother. [_Finding ROPER beside her, she offers her cheek to him and he kisses it._] _Mon Oncle!_

JIMMIE.

[_Closing the door._] That young man Morgan ought to paint the infernal regions.

LILY.

[_Taking her scarf from her shoulder._] He might finish with the angels first, though. [_To JEYES, softly, as ROPER turns to shake hands with JIMMIE._] You in a better temper to-day?

JEYES.

[_In her ear._] You drove me wild last night.

LILY.

[_Making a face at him._] Served you right. [_Passing him._] For God's sake, let me lie down. [_She throws herself upon the settee in front of the writing-table, and JEYES moves away as MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER go to her._] Don't come near me. Give me my fan. Jimmie, where's my fan?

JIMMIE.

Oh, I've left it in Fitzroy Street!

LILY.

Beast!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Hurrying to the writing-table._] There's one 'ere, among your presents.

LILY.

[_Unpinning her hat._] Uncle Lal, what an adorable ring that is you've sent me!

ROPER.

[_Taking the fan from MRS. UPJOHN._] Ring! A brooch!

LILY.

_Somebody's_ sent me a ring.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Sitting in the chair at the end of the settee by the writing-table._] There's three rings.

LILY.

Of course! One of them's from Nicko! [_To JEYES._] Did you get my sweet telegram, Nicko?

JEYES.

[_Who has greeted JIMMIE and is now seated in the chair on the extreme left-- sulkily._] I had your telegram, but it's a _pendant_ I sent you.

JIMMIE.

[_Sitting upon the settee by the piano and pulling off her gloves._] Ha, ha, ha!

LILY.

You shut up, Jimmie. [_Snatching the fan from ROPER._] How on earth am I to remember! [_Fanning herself._] Who's given me _this_ pretty thing?

MRS. UPJOHN.

Mr. Monty Levine.

LILY.

Bless him! He's a dear little man, though he does bite his nails. [_GLADYS appears with VINCENT BLAND, who saunters in after her. Seeing LILY, GLADYS advances to her._] Hallo, Vincent!

BLAND.

[_A thin, delicate looking man of eight-and-thirty, not over smartly dressed, wearing an eye-glass-- nodding to LILY casually._] You needn't have cut me, almost on your door-step. [_To JIMMIE and JEYES._] H'lo, Jimmie! H'lo, Nicko!

GLADYS.

[_Viewing LILY with an elevation of the brows._] Oh, are you home?

LILY.

[_Returning GLADYS'S stare._] Apparently.

GLADYS.

I'll whistle up to Maud.

LILY.

Don't, if it's too severe a strain on you.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_To GLADYS, as the girl moves to the door._] Gladys, we'll 'ave tea.

GLADYS.

[_At the door._] You can't till it's ready.

LILY.

[_Calmly._] Cheek!

[_GLADYS retires._

BLAND.

[_Who has strolled across to LILY, indolently._] Why do you retain the services of that tousled-headed hussy?

LILY.

[_With conviction._] Oh, she's a little under the weather, but she's a perfect servant.

BLAND.

[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Ma, you look blooming.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Wish I could return the compliment, Mr. Bland.

BLAND.

[_To ROPER, who is wearing a waistcoat of rather a pronounced pattern._] Congratulations on your waistcoat, Lal.

ROPER.

[_Joining JIMMIE, annoyed._] Now, no personalities.

LILY.

[_Giving BLAND her hand._] Vincent, yours is one of the loveliest presents I've had to-day. _Remerciement!_ How's that for a French accent?

BLAND.

[_Dropping his eyeglass._] You cat!

LILY.

Why----?

BLAND.

You know I've given you nothing, not even a penny nosegay.

JIMMIE.

Ha, ha, ha!

LILY.

[_Raising herself on her elbow._] On my honour--! Vincent dear, I swear I thought----!

BLAND.

The funds are too low. [_Replacing his eyeglass._] I did go so far as to price a bangle at Sellby's, but that was before a certain event yesterday.

JIMMIE.

What horses did you back, Vincent? I won a fiver, through Jerry Grimwood.

ROPER.

[_To BLAND._] You _are_ a patent ass. Why don't you leave betting alone?

BLAND.

[_To ROPER, flaring up._] Why don't you leave your City muck alone?

LILY.

[_Putting her feet to the floor, imperiously._] That'll do. Be quiet, you two! I won't have any wrangling in my house. Run away and play, all of you. I want to speak to Vincent for a minute privately. [_With a gesture._] Uncle Lal-- Jimmie-- Nicko-- [_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Scoot, mother!

MRS. UPJOHN.

Oh, dear, wot a child!

[_ROPER, JIMMIE, JEYES, and MRS. UPJOHN move away and LILY beckons to
BLAND._

LILY.

Vin.

BLAND.

[_Close to her, with a wry face._] Mercy!

LILY.

[_In a low voice._] You've broken your word to me, then? [_Through her teeth._] Those damned horses!

BLAND.

Cooling had a tip from the stable----

LILY.

Cooling! Morrie Cooling has no children; only a fat wife. You've a darling little wife and three kiddies. How much did you drop yesterday?

BLAND.

Shan't say.

LILY.

[_Rising and touching his arm._] Oh, Vincent!

[_She looks round, to assure herself that she is unobserved. MRS.
UPJOHN and ROPER are seated at the tea-table with their heads
together, talking; JIMMIE is at the piano, fingering out a piece of
music; JEYES is half hidden in the arm-chair facing the settee at the
back. LILY tiptoes to the writing-table and seats herself there as
GLADYS reappears showing in the BARON VON RETTENMAYER._

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_A tall, fair young man of three-and-thirty, speaking in thick, guttural tones-- advancing to LILY._] Aha, goddess! [_Gladys withdraws._] Many habby returns of the day!

LILY.

H'sh! I'm busy for a moment, Baron.

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_To LILY-- shaking hands with BLAND._] A thousand bardons.

LILY.

Talk to mother and Jimmie.

VON RETTENMAYER.

With bleasure. [_Going to MRS. UPJOHN and ROPER and shaking hands with them._] How are you, my dear Ma? How are you, Jimmie? [_Waving a hand to ROPER and JEYES._] My dear Rober! My dear Neegolas!

JIMMIE.

[_To VON RETTENMAYER, mimicking him._] Rober! Neegolas! Why don't they provide you with throat lozenges at the Embassy, Baron?

[_VON RETTENMAYER laughs. LILY has quickly opened a drawer in the
writing-table and produced a cheque-book. After another glance over
her shoulder, she sweeps the presents aside and writes. Then she
replaces the cheque-book, rises, and returns to BLAND. Again there is
a loud guffaw from VON RETTENMAYER in response to some sally of
JIMMIE'S._

LILY.

[_To BLAND, folding a cheque and slipping it into his hand._] Promise-- promise you won't make another bet.

BLAND.

[_Unfolding the cheque._] Your cheque?

LILY.

[_Hastily._] Put it in your pocket.

BLAND.

A blank one.

LILY.

[_In a whisper._] Don't fill it in for more than you can help. _I'm_ not over flush.

[_He deliberately tears the cheque into four pieces and, looking at
her steadily, puts them into his waistcoat-pocket._

BLAND.

[_As he does so._] I'll keep those, Lil, for as long as I keep anything.

LILY.

[_Hotly._] You fool, Vincent!

BLAND.

My dear, as if----!

LILY.

Such ridiculous pride! [_Stamping her foot._] Lord, what I owe to you!

[_GLADYS enters with SAM DE CASTRO. GLADYS is carrying a lace-edged
table-cloth which, assisted by MRS. UPJOHN, she proceeds to lay upon
the tea-table._

BLAND.

[_Moving away to join the others-- to DE CASTRO._] Ha, Sam!

DE CASTRO.

[_A stout, coarse, but genial-looking gentleman of forty, of marked Jewish appearance, speaking with a lisp-- shaking hands with LILY._] How are you to-day, Lil? Many happy returnth, wunth more.

LILY.

Thanks, dear old boy. [_Sitting on the settee in front of the writing-table._] Did I send you a wire this morning?

DE CASTRO.

Not you; not a thix-pen'north.

LILY.

I ought to have done so, to acknowledge your-- what was it?

DE CASTRO.

A ring-- diamondth and thapphires.

LILY.

Ah, yes; beautiful.

DE CASTRO.

It _ith_ rather a nithe ring. [_Lowering his voice._] But I thay.

LILY.

What?

DE CASTRO.

Mind you don't go and tell Gabth, on any account.

LILY.

[_With a great assumption of ignorance, raising her eyebrows._] Gabs?

DE CASTRO.

Gabrielle-- Mith Kato.

LILY.

Why shouldn't I?

DE CASTRO.

Nonsenth; _you_ know very well. [_Urgently._] You won't, will you?

LILY.

[_Shrugging her shoulders._] I won't if I remember not to.

DE CASTRO.

[_Alarmed._] Ah, now, don't be thtupid! Whath the good o' making mithchief! [_LILY shows him the tip of her tongue._] Oh, Lil! [_GLADYS goes out._] Lil----!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Leaving the group at the back and putting an arm round DE CASTRO'S shoulder._] My dear friend Zam!

DE CASTRO.

How are you, Baron? [_Going to MRS. UPJOHN._] Afthernoon, Ma! [_Nodding to JIMMIE and ROPER._] Afthernoon, everybody! [_Shaking hands with JEYES, who has risen and now joins the group._] How are you, Nicko?

LILY.

[_Giving her hand to VON RETTENMAYER._] Excuse me for cutting you short when you came in. Thanks for your splendid present. I did send you a wire, didn't I?

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Kissing her hand and bowing over it._] I shall breserve it, with a few oder souvenirs, till the end of my life.

LILY.

[_Withdrawing her hand and blowing the compliment away._] Phew! Lal, lal, lal, la!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_In an altered tone, after a cautious look round._] Goddess.

LILY.

Eh?

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Anxiously._] My drifling liddle offering-- I endreat you not to mention it to Enid.

LILY.

[_Laughing heartily._] Ha, ha, ha, ha! Another of you!

VON RETTENMAYER.

The gharming Miss Mongreiff.

LILY.

[_Seriously._] Baron, I wish you boys wouldn't make me presents and then ask me to keep them a secret from the other girls.

VON RETTENMAYER.

And I-- I wish it were not nezezzary. But, goddess, you are alzo a young lady of the world-- you know what women are.

LILY.

H'm! I know what you men are.

[_MAUD, a buxom young woman with a good-tempered face, dressed as a
lady's-maid, enters quickly, tying her apron, and runs to LILY. JEYES
comes to the further side of the writing-table and VON RETTENMAYER now
joins him there. JIMMIE BIRCH also comes forward, accompanied by DE
CASTRO._

MAUD.

[_To LILY._] Here, give me your things. [_LILY tosses her hat, scarf, and gloves to MAUD._] I was in my room, having a lie down. Is my hair untidy?

LILY.

I've never seen it anything else.

MAUD.

[_Merrily._] Ha, ha, ha! [_To JIMMIE and DE CASTRO._] Afternoon, Miss Jimmie. Afternoon, Mr. de Castro. [_To LILY._] Now, don't let them all tire you to death, there's a pet.

LILY.

Oh, clear out. [_As MAUD is departing._] Hi! [_Rising and kicking off her shoes and sending them in MAUD'S direction._] Fetch me a pair of slippers.

MAUD.

[_Picking up the shoes and chuckling._] He, he, he!

[_When MAUD reaches the door, which she has left open, GLADYS appears
with the tea-tray and with FARNCOMBE at her heels._

GLADYS.

[_To MAUD, in a low voice, witheringly._] Oh, you're doing something, are you?

MAUD.

[_In the same tone, passing GLADYS._] Yes, setting you an example, my girl. [_Encountering FARNCOMBE._] Beg pardon.

[_MAUD withdraws, closing the door, and FARNCOMBE stands looking at
LILY, who is talking to JIMMIE. GLADYS carries the tray to the
tea-table._

LILY.

[_Become aware of FARNCOMBE'S presence and nodding to him._] How d'ye do?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Moving a step or two towards her._] I-- I've been here before this afternoon. I ventured to bring you some flowers.

LILY.

[_Going to him and shaking hands with him formally._] Nobody told me. Awfully kind of you. Where have they put them?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Lifting his basket of flowers from off the piano and showing it to her._] Here.

LILY.

Pretty. [_Pulling out a carnation._] Stick it up there again. [_He replaces the basket._] You're Lord Farncombe, aren't you?

FARNCOMBE.

Yes.

LILY.

[_With a glance at the others._] Know anybody here?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Looking round the room._] Nearly everybody, I fancy. [_He advances to VON RETTENMAYER, who comes to meet him. LILY sits upon the settee by the piano and fastens the carnation in her dress. GLADYS goes out._] Karl----!

VON RETTENMAYER.

My dear Eddie!

FARNCOMBE.

[_Bowing to DE CASTRO, who is now seated beside JIMMIE on the settee in front of the writing-table._] How are you, Mr. de Castro? [_To JEYES, who is standing by the chair at the writing-table gnawing his moustache and watching LILY and FARNCOMBE sourly._] How are you, Captain Jeyes? [_Turning to BLAND._] How are you, Mr. Bland? [_To LILY._] I've been talking to Mrs. Upjohn and Mr. Roper already.

LILY.

[_Looking across to JIMMIE._] Miss Birch-- Lord Farncombe.

JIMMIE.

[_Nodding to FARNCOMBE._] How d'ye do?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Going to JIMMIE and shaking hands with her._] I-- I needn't say that I am one of Miss Birch's warmest-- most profound----

JIMMIE.

[_Smiling at him._] That's all right; don't you bother about that.

[_MAUD returns, carrying a pair of silken slippers. VON RETTENMAYER,
who has come to LILY, makes a dart at the slippers and takes them from
MAUD._

VON RETTENMAYER.

Aha! Permid me.

MAUD.

Now, Baron----! [_Slapping his arm._] Ha, ha, ha----!

[_He pushes MAUD out of the room, she resisting laughingly, and closes
the door._

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Holding the slippers aloft._] Gendlemen! Homage to Beaudy! Vollow me! Zam! Vinzent! Rober! Neego! Eddie! [_The men put themselves behind him, in single file, in the order in which he calls them, with the exception of JEYES, who deliberately sits at the writing-table, and FARNCOMBE, who is embarrassed. JIMMIE claps her hands and MRS. UPJOHN, who is pouring out tea, laughs herself into a fit of coughing._] Ta, ta, ra, ra, ta, ta! Boum, boum!

LILY.

Baron, you great baby!

VON RETTENMAYER.

Quig! Marge!

ROPER.

[_Calling to FARNCOMBE._] Come along, Farncombe!

JIMMIE.

[_Giving FARNCOMBE a shove._] Go on!

[_FARNCOMBE takes his place behind ROPER and, headed by VON
RETTENMAYER, the men march round the room._

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Waving the slippers in the air and singing._]

Weib, was ist in aller Welt
Dir an Schönheit gleichgestellt!
Reizumflossen, wunderhold,
Perl' der Schöpfung, Herzensgold!
Tag's Gedanken, Traum der Nacht,
Schweben um Dich, Süsse, sacht.

[_VON RETTENMAYER halts before LILY and kneels to her. She extends her
left foot and he kisses her instep and puts her foot into her slipper.
She rewards him by lightly boxing his ears. He makes way for DE
CASTRO, handing him the other slipper, and DE CASTRO performs the same
ceremony with LILY'S right foot. She upsets DE CASTRO'S balance by a
little kick._

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Seating himself beside JIMMIE, singing._]

Venus, seinen Nacken beut
Dir Den Sklave, dienstbereit!

[_DE CASTRO gathers himself up and sits in the chair at the end of the
settee in front of the, writing-table. BLAND and ROPER, having knelt
and kissed LILY'S foot, also sit, the former in the chair in the
middle of the room, the latter in the chair on the extreme left.
Finally, FARNCOMBE finds himself before LILY. He looks at her
hesitatingly and she returns his look with awakened interest and
withdraws her foot._

LILY.

[_Shaking her head._] No, no; don't _you_ be silly, like the others.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Loudly._] Tea!

[_BLAND, VON RETTENMAYER and DE CASTRO jump up and go to the tea-table
where FARNCOMBE joins them. GLADYS enters, carrying a stand on which
are a plate of bread-and-butter, a dish of cake, etc. ROPER takes the
stand from her and the girl retires. FARNCOMBE brings LILY a cup of
tea. DE CASTRO and BLAND follow him, the one with a milk-jug, the
other with a sugar-basin. VON RETTENMAYER carries a cup of tea to
JIMMIE, and then DE CASTRO and BLAND, having waited upon LILY, go to
JIMMIE with the milk and sugar. ROPER hands the bread-and-butter and
cake to LILY, then to JIMMIE, and in the end ROPER, BLAND, DE CASTRO
and VON RETTENMAYER assemble at the tea-table and receive their cups
of tea from MRS. UPJOHN._

ROPER.

[_Relieving GLADYS of the stand._] Give it to me. I want a little exercise.

LILY.

[_Taking her cup of tea from FARNCOMBE._] Thanks.

DE CASTRO.

[_Helping LILY to milk._] Milk-ho!

BLAND.

Sugar?

LILY.

Br-r-r-rh! I'm putting on weight as it is.

ROPER.

[_Offering the bread-and-butter, etc.-- facetiously._] Ices, sweets _or_ chocolates, full piano-score!

LILY.

Nothing to eat, Uncle; I dine at six.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Calling to JEYES from the tea-table._] Captain, ain't you goin' to 'ave any tea?

JEYES.

[_Moodily examining the presents on the writing-table._] No, thank you, Mrs. Upjohn.

BLAND.

[_To JIMMIE, after she has been helped to milk._] Sugar?

JIMMIE.

Two lumps.

ROPER.

[_Pushing BLAND and DE CASTRO aside, imitating a female voice._] Ices, sweets _or_ chocolates, full piano-score!

JIMMIE.

[_Cutting a slice of cake._] Lal, the world 'ud be a much happier place to live in if Lloyd George taxed your jokes.

VON RETTENMAYER, BLAND, and DE CASTRO. [_Returning to the tea-table._] Ha, ha, ha, ha!

LILY.

[_To FARNCOMBE, who remains standing near her._] Seen our show at the Pandora?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Gazing at her._] Twenty-three times.

LILY.

Not really?

FARNCOMBE.

This week and last, every night.

LILY.

[_Running her eye over him._] You in the Guards, by any chance?

FARNCOMBE.

[_Nodding._] Yes.

LILY.

[_Smiling._] Ah, you'll never do a braver deed than seeing our show twenty-three times.

JIMMIE.

[_As ROPER leaves her to go to the table, her mouth full of cake._] Boys! [_Choking._] Heugh, heugh, heugh! Wait a minute; I've swallowed some of the Baron's German. [_Gulping._] B-oys, seriously-- no rot-- [_raising her tea-cup_] jolly good health to Lily! [_There is a cry of approbation from BLAND, VON RETTENMAYER, DE CASTRO and ROPER. FARNCOMBE fetches himself a cup of tea from the tea-table._] She's a white woman, Lily is-- the staunchest, truest pal, where she takes a liking----

BLAND, VON RETTENMAYER, DE CASTRO, AND ROPER.

Hear, hear!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Pressing forward through the men and going to LILY._] And the best daughter breathing. [_Embracing LILY and then turning to the others._] D'ye notice the new dress I'm wearin' this afternoon?

LILY.

Don't, mother; don't.

MRS. UPJOHN.

Fifteen guineas it's cost her. [_Sitting in the chair on the extreme left, proudly._] Madame Godolphin made it, and a 'at to go with it _ong sweet_.

LILY.

[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Hu-s-s-sh!

JIMMIE.

Well---- [_sipping her tea as if drinking a toast_] in a cup of tea!

BLAND, DE CASTRO, AND ROPER.

[_Sipping their tea._] In a cup o' tea!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Drinking._] In a gob o' dea!

JIMMIE.

[_To VON RETTENMAYER, mockingly._] Gob o' dea!

LILY.

[_Waving her hand._] Thank you, Jimmie. Thank you, dear boys, from the bottom of my heart.

JIMMIE.

[_To the men._] By Jove, she saved _me_ once from going home to a cheap lodging and taking a dose of rat-killer!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Behind ROPER and DE CASTRO, peeping over their shoulders._] A pidy-- a gread pidy.

JIMMIE.

[_To VON RETTENMAYER._] I'll attend to you presently, Baron.

LILY.

[_To JIMMIE._] I remember. A wretched little shrimp you looked that day.

JIMMIE.

[_To everybody._] It was my first morning at the Pandora. They'd had me up from Harrogate in a hurry, to take Gwennie Harker's place. I'd been playing her part in the Number Two Co. in the country; and she'd left 'em in a hole, to get married to a stupid lord---- [_To FARNCOMBE, finding him standing near her._] Sorry. I was to have only one rehearsal; [_clenching her fist_] and, oh, didn't they treat me abominably! Miss Ensor was late and we were all hanging about on the stage, waiting for her. I've never felt so cold in my life, or so lonely. Not a word of welcome, not a nod, from a single soul; simply a blank stare occasionally from a haughty beauty with a curled lip! And at last, when I was on the point of howling, I became conscious that somebody was watching me-- a tall, pretty thing in a lavender frock----

DE CASTRO.

[_Sitting in the chair in the middle of the room._] Lil.

JIMMIE.

I caught her eye, and she came straight over to me and sat down beside me. "Shaky?" she said. "A corpse," I said. And she quietly laid hold of my hand and held it till Dolly Ensor condescended to stroll in. And when I got up I asked her who she was, and she told me. "Oh, my God," I said, "I'll never forget your kindness! Why, of course, you're the 'Mind the Paint' girl----!"

ROPER, DE CASTRO, AND VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Singing._] "Mind the paint! Mind the paint! Tra, lal, la, lal, la, lal, la, lal, la, lal, tra, la, la, la----!"

[_BLAND seats himself at the piano and thumps out the air of the
refrain of "Mind the Paint." The three men, mouthing the time
silently, wave their arms, and LILY'S head and body move from side to
side._

BLAND.

[_With a groan._] Ugh! Is there anything more ancient than a four-year-old comic song? [_Playing a few bars of the melody of the song._] Shade of Nineveh and all the buried cities!

ROPER, VON RETTENMAYER, AND DE CASTRO.

[_To LILY, coaxingly._] Lily! Goddess! Lil!

LILY.

[_Shaking her head._] Oh, boys, it's gone. [_Pressing temples._] I couldn't----

[_BLAND plays the introductory symphony and then pauses. Then she
sings, he accompanying her. In a moment or two, the song comes back to
her readily and she gives it with great witchery and allurement. JEYES
starts up and goes to the window in the wall on the right and looks
out._

LILY.

[_Singing._]

I've a very charming dwelling,
(You know where without the telling)
Decorated in a style that's rather quaint!
Smart and quaint!
When you pay my house a visit,
You may scrutinise or quiz it,
But you mustn't touch the paint!
Brand-new paint!
Mind the paint! Mind the paint!
(No matter whether Maple's bills are settled or they ain't!)
Once you smear it or you scratch it,
It's impossible to match it;
So take care, please, of the paint-- of the paint!

[_Rising and coming to the middle of the room, LILY repeats the
refrain, dancing to it gracefully. JIMMIE also rises and she, ROPER,
VON RETTENMAYER, and DE CASTRO join in the chorus and the dance, the
three men very extravagantly. FARNCOMBE looks on, enraptured, while
MRS. UPJOHN beats time with her hands._

LILY.

[_Singing._]

I'm possessed of all the graces,
Oh, a perfect dr-r-r-ream my face is!
(It may owe to Art a trifle or it mayn't
H'm, it mayn't!)
And I'll cry out for assistance.
Should you fail to keep your distance,
Goodness gracious, mind the paint!
Mind the paint!
Mind the paint! Mind the paint!
A girl is not a sinner just because she's not a saint!
But my heart shall hold you dearer--
You may come a little nearer--
If you'll _only_ mind the paint-- mind the paint!

[_The refrain is repeated as before, MRS. UPJOHN rising and taking a
share in it. Then LILY drops on to the settee before the
writing-table, laughing and holding up her hands in protest._

LILY.

No more, boys! [_ROPER, VON RETTENMAYER, and DE CASTRO gather round her, applauding her and urging her to continue._] No, no; no more! I've had such a stiff day----

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_With sudden energy, to everybody._] Out you go, all of you; out you go!

JIMMIE.

[_To the men._] Come on; let's mizzle. [_Shaking hands with FARNCOMBE._] Cruel of us to tire her so.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Tapping VON RETTENMAYER on the shoulder._] Now, then, Baron!

VON RETTENMAYER.

[_Shaking hands with LILY._] I'm goming.

JIMMIE.

[_Taking VON RETTENMAYER to the door._] Well, _gome_!

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Pulling ROPER away from LILY._] Now, Uncle!

ROPER.

[_Adjusting his coat._] Mind the paint, Ma.

JIMMIE.

[_Calling out._] Good-bye, Lil!

LILY.

[_As she shakes hands with DE CASTRO, calling to JIMMIE._] Good-bye!

[_JIMMIE and VON RETTENMAYER disappear._

MRS. UPJOHN.

Now, Mr. de Castro! [_Moving with ROPER towards the door._] 'Owever d'ye think she's goin' to get through her work to-night!

DE CASTRO.

[_Pausing to comb his moustache._] Quite right, Ma---- [_thoughtlessly_] and a thupper and a danthe afterwardth.

ROPER.

[_Turning upon him quickly._] Sssh! [_In a low voice._] Dam fool!

DE CASTRO.

[_Clapping his hand to his mouth._] Oh----!

[_They glance at JEYES who, hearing de Castro's remark, has left the
window and come forward a step or two._

ROPER.

[_Uneasily._] Er-- good-bye, Nicko.

DE CASTRO.

[_To JEYES, in the same way._] G-good-bye.

JEYES.

[_To both, dryly._] Good-bye.

BLAND.

[_Talking to LILY, neither of them having heard de Castro's slip._] That jingle-- an echo of old times, eh?

LILY.

[_Looking up at him._] Yes, but not better times than these times, Vin?

BLAND.

[_Sadly, holding her hand._] Ah, Lil, there are so many tunes in life left for _you_, my dear!

ROPER.

[_At the door, with MRS. UPJOHN and DE CASTRO-- to BLAND._] Come along, Vincent.

[_BLAND joins the group at the door as FARNCOMBE approaches LILY._

FARNCOMBE.

[_Shaking hands with her._] Thank you. [_With fervour._] Glorious!

LILY.

[_Reproachfully._] For shame!

FARNCOMBE.

I mean it.

LILY.

T'sh! [_Lightly._] See you again some day, perhaps?

FARNCOMBE.

Ah, yes--

ROPER.

[_Calling to FARNCOMBE._] Coming our way, Farncombe?

[_ROPER, BLAND, and DE CASTRO depart. FARNCOMBE bows to LILY and makes
for the door._

FARNCOMBE.

[_To JEYES._] Good-bye, Captain Jeyes.

JEYES.

[_Who has wandered to the entrance to the conservatory, where he is now standing with his back to the room-- half turning._] Good-bye.

FARNCOMBE.

[_Shaking hands with MRS. UPJOHN._] Delightful! Enjoyed myself amazingly.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Graciously._] Oh, we're always glad when a few folks pop in-- [_he wrings her hand_] if they don't over-stay their welcome.

FARNCOMBE.

Naturally. [_Hurriedly._] Good-bye. [_He vanishes._

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_Remaining at the door._] Captain----

JEYES.

[_Advancing._] I want just half a dozen words with Lily, Mrs. Upjohn.

LILY.

[_To MRS. UPJOHN._] Tell Maud to put out my old green frock, mother; I'll be up in a minute or two.

MRS. UPJOHN.

[_To JEYES._] Now, you won't keep 'er longer, will you?

JEYES.

[_Grimly._] No, no; I know she won't be in bed till four o'clock to-morrow morning at the earliest. [_MRS. UPJOHN goes out, closing the door, and Jeyes comes to LILY._] So Smythe is giving you a grand feed to-night at the theatre, Lil?

LILY.

[_Arranging the pillows on the settee._] In the foyer.

JEYES.

And a dance, it appears.

LILY.

[_Yawning._] Oh-h-h-h! [_Lying upon the settee at full length._] Who told _you_, grumpy?

JEYES.

Roper and your mother told me about the supper. _You_ didn't.

LILY.

Ha, ha! You were in such a vile mood last night, coming home.

JEYES.

Who will there be to dance _with_ to-night?

LILY.

The men of the Company.

JEYES.

That doesn't sound very inspiring.

LILY.

Rather school-treaty, isn't it!

JEYES.

Nobody from outside?

LILY.

No; it's to be only the men in the theatre and the principal ladies.

JEYES.

_Roper's_ going.

LILY.

Uncle Lal? Oh, well, he's hardly from outside.

JEYES.

And de Castro.

LILY.

Sam?

JEYES.

I'm sure of it, from something I heard him say just now.

LILY.

Sam used to finance Carlton. I suppose they reckon _him_ one of us.

JEYES.

[_Sitting in the chair in the middle of the room._] Smythe might have extended the compliment to _me_, Lil. He knows how I stand towards you.

LILY.

Awfully sorry; _I_ can't help it.

JEYES.

[_Twining his fingers together._] You see, if Roper and de Castro are asked, there may be others.

LILY.

[_Changing her position._] Oh, lal, lal, lal, lal, la!

JEYES.

[_With a set jaw._] Some of the more juvenile "boys," perhaps. [_Examining his nails._] Lil.

LILY.

What?

JEYES.

When did you make the acquaintance of the young sprig o' the nobility who's been here this afternoon?

LILY.

Lord Farncombe? Bertie brought him and introduced him one day last week.

JEYES.

Ha! _He's_ at your feet now.

LILY.

Phuh!

JEYES.

Oh, you may "phuh"! He's in front every blessed night. There he sits, Row B., three stalls from the end, prompt side!

LILY.

There are a few good-looking girls at the Pandora besides your humble servant.

JEYES.

Rubbish! His glass follows you all over the stage. I watched him talking to you in this room----

LILY.

[_Raising herself._] Did you indeed!

JEYES.

[_Beating his clenched hands upon the arms of his chair._] God in heaven! First it's one, then it's another, chasing you!

LILY.

[_Putting her feet to the ground._] Oh, you're maddening, Nicko! You _are_; you're maddening. Last night it was Stewie Heneage you chose to be jealous of, simply because you'd heard him sounding my praises at Catani's! You almost broke the window of the car, you went on so!

JEYES.

I confess I object to Heneage, or any man, raving about you at the top of his voice in a public place.

LILY.

Sakes alive, why _shouldn't_ Stewie rave about me in a public place, if he feels like it! I belong to the public. He might rave about a girl who's a jolly sight less deserving of being raved about, as a girl _and_ an artist, than I am.

JEYES.

Well, we'll dismiss Heneage.

LILY.

Yes, exit Stewie and enter somebody else for you fuss and fume about. This afternoon it's Lord Farncombe, and to-morrow it'll be a fresh person altogether. One 'ud think, to hear you, that I don't know how to take care of myself, and of any poor boy who loses his head over me! [_Rising and walking away._] You're growing worse and worse with your jealousy, Nicko. Stop it! I'm surprised at you, after all these years! It's beginning to fret me, and that's bad for my spirits and bad for me in business. [_At the tea-table, grabbing a piece of bread-and-butter and biting at it._] And now you're making me spoil my dinner-- [_relenting_] and that's not good for me either, you brute!

JEYES.

[_His hands hanging loosely between his knees, sighing heavily._] Oh, Lily, Lily----!

LILY.

Yes, oh, Lily, Lily!

JEYES.

Why-- why don't you put me out of my misery?

LILY.

[_Munching._] Poison you?

JEYES.

Marry me.

LILY.

[_Behind his chair._] Marry you? [_Taking his handkerchief from his breast-pocket and wiping her fingers upon it-- sarcastically._] Have you come to tell me you've got some work to do at last? Break it gently, Nicko; the shock might be too great for me.

JEYES.

Oh, _I'd_ find a billet soon enough, Lil, if only I'd an incentive to hunt for it.

LILY.

Incentive! You _had_ an incentive twelve months ago, when I was willing to engage myself to you absolutely if you could obtain a good secretaryship or something of the sort.

JEYES.

I-- I've no fancy for a beggarly secretaryship.

LILY.

No; all _you've_ a fancy for, seemingly, is for living on your unfortunate people. [_Throwing him his handkerchief and leaving him._] How a man of your age can rest satisfied with being a burden to others passes my dull comprehension!

JEYES.