Chapter XX: Section V

THE CONJUGATION OF THE AUXILIARY VERBS TO HAVE AND TO BE.

We have observed that boys, in conjugating verbs, give no indications of delight, except that which an ingenuous disposition always feels in the acquisition of knowledge. Now, having arrived at that part of the Grammar in which it becomes necessary that these same verbs should be considered, we feel ourselves in an awkward dilemma. The omission of the conjugations is a _serious_ omission--which, of course, is objectionable in a _comic_ work--and the insertion of them would be equally serious, and therefore quite as improper. What _shall_ we do? We will adopt a middle course; referring the reader to Murray and other talented authors for full information on these matters; and requesting him to be content with our confining ourselves to what is more especially suitable to these pages--a short summary of the _Comicalities_ of verbs.

The Conjugation of a verb is the combination and arrangement of its numbers, persons, moods, and tenses.

The Comicalities of verbs consist in certain liberties taken with their numbers, persons, moods, and tenses.

The Conjugation of an active verb is called the Active Voice, and that of a passive Verb the Passive Voice.

If verbs have voices, it is but reasonable that walls should have ears.

The auxiliary and active verb To Have is thus peculiarly conjugated by some people in some of its moods and tenses.

TO HAVE.

INDICATIVE MOOD.

PRESENT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. Pers. I has. 1. Pers. We has.
2. Thee’st. 2. Ye or you has.
3. He’ve. 3. They has.

PERFECT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I’ze had. 1. We’ze had.
2. Thee’st had. 2. Ye or you’ze had.
3. He’ve had. 3. They’ze had.

FIRST FUTURE TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I sholl _or_ ool ha’. 1. We shool _or_ ool ha’.
2. Thee shat _or_ oot ha’. 2. Ye or you sholl _or_ ool ha’.
3. He sholl _or_ ool ha’. 3. They sholl _or_ ool ha’.

IMPERATIVE MOOD.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. Let me ha’. 1. Let’s ha’.
2. Ha’, _or_ ha thou, _or_ do 2. Ha, _or_ ha ye, _or_ do ye,
thee ha’. _or_ you ha’.
3. Let un ha’. 3. Let um ha’.

POTENTIAL MOOD.

PRESENT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I med _or_ can ha’. 1. We med _or_ can ha’.
2. Thee medst _or_ canst ha’. 2. Ye _or_ you med _or_ can ha’.
3. He med _or_ can ha’. 3. They med _or_ can ha’.

SUBJUNCTIVE MOOD.

PRESENT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. If I has. 1. If we has.
2. If thee hast 2. If ye or you has.
3. If he ha’. 3. If they has.

INFINITIVE MOOD.

Present, To ha’. Perfect, To a had.

PARTICIPLES.

Present or Active, Havun or Avun.
Perfect, ’Ad.
Compound Perfect, Havun ’ad.

The auxiliary and neuter verb To Be, is maltreated as follows:

TO BE.

(Toby or not Toby?--that is the question!)

INDICATIVE MOOD.

PRESENT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I be. 1. We be.
2. Thee bist. 2. Ye _or_ you be.
3. He, she or it am. 3. They be _or_ am.

IMPERFECT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I wor, or wus. 1. We wus.
2. Thee wort. 2. Ye _or_ you wus.
3. He wur. 3. They wur.

“When I say as you was, I mean, as you were.”

PERFECT TENSE.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. I’ve a bin. 1. We’ve a bin.
2. Thee’st a bin. 2. Ye _or_ you’ve a bin.
3. He’ve a bin. 3. They’ve a bin.

IMPERATIVE MOOD.

SINGULAR. PLURAL.
1. Let I be. 1. Let we be.
2. Be thee _or_ ’st thee be. 2. Do ’ee be.
3. Let un be. 3. Let um be.

INFINITIVE MOOD.

Present Tense, For to be. Perfect, For to ha’ bin.

PARTICIPLES.

Present, Beun. Perfect, Bin.
Compound Perfect, Havun bin.

If _being_ a younster, I had not been smitten,
Of _having been_ jilted I should not complain,
Take warning from me all ye lads who are bitten,
When this part of Grammar occurs to your brain.

As there is a certain _intensity_ of feeling abroad, which renders people indisposed to trouble themselves with _verbal_ matters, we shall take the liberty of making very short work of the Regular Verbs. Even Murray can only afford to conjugate one example,--To Love. The learner must amplify this part of the Grammar for himself: and we recommend him to substitute for “to love,” some word less harrowing to a sensitive mind: as, “to fleece, to tax,” verbs which excite disagreeable emotions only in a sordid one; and which also, by association of ideas, conduct us to useful reflections on Political Economy. We advise all whom it may concern, however, to pay the greatest attention to this part of the Grammar, and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to make a particular study of the Auxiliary Verbs: not only for the excellent reasons set forth in “Tristram Shandy,” but also to avoid those awkward mistakes in which the Comicalities of the Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly consist.

“Did it rain to-morrow?” asked Monsieur Grenouille.

“Yes it was!” replied Monsieur Crapaud.

We propose the following as an _auxiliary mode_ of conjugating verbs:--“I love to roam on the crested foam, Thou lovest to roam on the crested foam, He loves to roam on the crested foam, We love to roam on the crested foam, Ye or you love to roam on the crested foam, They love to roam on the crested foam,” &c. These words, if set to music, might serve for a grammatical _glee_, and would, at all events, be productive of _mirth_.

The Auxiliary Verbs, too, are very useful when a peculiar emphasis is required: as, “I shall give you a drubbing!” “_Will_ you?” “I know a trick worth two of that.” “_Do_ you, though?” “It _might_,” as the Quaker said to the Yankee, who wanted to know what his name might be; “it _might_ be Beelzebub, but it _is_ not.”

Now we may as well say what we have to say about the conjugation of regular verbs active.