Chapter XIX: Part II: 104 (2)

They will not speak the mother language[147] of their native country, but must have southern oaths, refined like raw-sugar thro’ the mills of cursing, finely polished, and fairly struck in the profane mint of London, into a perfect form of flunky-language; even the very wild Arabs from the mountain-tops, who have not yet got English to profane his Maker’s name, will cry, _Cot, Cot_; hateful it is to hear them swear, who cannot speak. O! strange alteration since the days of old![148] the downful of Popery, and the Prelates’ decay, when reformation was alive, and religion in taste and fashion; the people during the sabbath, were all packed up in closets, and their children kept within doors, when every city appeared like a sanctuary, nothing to be heard on the streets, but the sound of prayer on the right-hand, and the melodious sound of psalms on the left.

Now is the days of counting, scribing, riding of horses, and the sound of the post-horn come; surely there will be trade now; and none will miss prosperity when every day is a fair; I add no more on this head, but every one claim a right to his own set time, &c.

Another grievance of the female offenders I cannot omit, which attacks a man’s fancy, and is the cause of his fall;[149] I mean Flighters who has gotten a little of the means of Mammon, more silver than sense, more gold than good nature, haughtiness for humility, value themselves as a treasure incomprehensible, their heads and hearts of Ophir-gold, their hips of silver, & their whole body as set about with precious stones, great and many are the congresses of their courtship, and the solemnizing of their marriage is like the conclusion of a peace after a bloody and tedious war.[150]

And what is she after all! yea, her poor penny will never be exhausted, it must be laid out in lunacy and laziness, she must have fine teas and the tuther thing: When pregnancy and the speuing of porich approaches, then she prophecies of her death; as she hatches life, she embraces laziness; then O the bed, the bed, nothing like the bed for a bad wife, her body becomes as par-boil’d,[151] being so bed-ridden, this rots their children in the brewing, and buries them in the bringing up; yea, some mothers are so beastly, as to water the bed and blame the child therefore; yet such lazy wives live long, and their children soon die; their far fetched feigned sickness, soon render the husband to the substance of one sixpence, he becomes poor and hen-peck’t under such petticoat government.

But when I Janet was a Janet, and had the judgement of my own house, my husband was thrice happy, I never held him down, he was above me day and night, I sat late and raise early, kept a fu’ house and rough back, when summer came we minded winter’s cauld, we had peace ay at porich-time, and harmony through the day; we supp’d our sowens at supper-time with a seasonable heat, and went to bed good bairns kent naething but stark love and kindness, we wrought for riches, and our ages and earthly stores increased alike, we hated pride and loved peace, he died with a good name; I let you ken I live, but not as many do, not so lordly of my brain as some are of their belly! and was not my life strange by that now practised? Come help yourselves you hillocat-livers and avoid it.

Now after a’, if a poor man want a perfect wife, let him wale a weel blooded hissie wi’ braid shouders an thick about the haunches, that has been lang servant in ae house, tho’ twice or thrice awa’ and ay fied back, that’s weel liked by the bairns and the bairns’ mither, that’s naeway cankard to the cats, nor kicks the colly-dogs amang her feet, that wad let a’ brute-beasts live, but rats, mice, lice, flaes, neets and bugs, that bites the wee bairns in their cradles, that carefully comb the young things’ heads, washes their faces, and claps their cheeks, snites the snotter frae their nose[152] as they were a’ her ain, that’s the lass that will mak a good wife; for them that dauts the young bairns, will ay be kind to auld fouk an they had them.

And ony hale-hearted halsome hissie, that wants to halter a good husband, never tak a widow’s ae son, for a’ the wifely gates in the warld will be in him, for want of a father to teach him manly actions; neither tak a sour looking sumf wi’ a muckle mouth, and a wide guts, who will eat like a horse and soss like a sow, suffer none to sup but himsel, eat your meat and the bairns baith; when hungry angry, when fu’ full of pride, ten sacks will not haud his sauce, tho’ a pea-shap wad haud his siller: But go, tak your chance, and if cheated, channer not on me, for fashionable fouk flee to fashionable things, for lust is brutish-blind, and fond love is blear-ey’d. I add no more, says Janet; so be it, said Humphray the Clerk.

FINIS.

_THE COMICAL AND WITTY JOKES OF JOHN FALKIRK._

[The text here used is from an edition bearing the following
matter on the title-page:--‘The Comical and Witty Jokes of John
Falkirk the merry Piper; When in Courtship to an old Fiddler’s
Widow, who wanted all the Teeth. With a Copy of the Love-Letter
he sent her, who is commonly called F--ting Betty.

Here’s a Piper on a merry pin,
Selling his words instead of win,
In courtship with an old fiddler’s jigg,
As weather beaten as his wigg;
Swears by his chanter he can win her bread,
Though never a tooth be in her head.

Edinburgh: Printed in the Year 1777.’ It has been collated with
an undated edition published by Morren of Edinburgh. On the title
of this latter edition the widow is called ‘Flinging Betty.’ The
1777 edition is an 8 pp. 12mo., containing only the ‘Jokes’; but
in Morren’s Edition the ‘Jokes’ follow the ‘Cariches.’ The two
were generally printed separately, although they are occasionally
to be seen together.]

THE COMICAL AND WITTY JOKES OF JOHN FALKIRK.

A certain old reverend priest, being one night at supper in a gentleman’s house; and for one article having eggs, the server of the table, as usual laid a cloath on every ones knee, wherewith to hold their egg in when hot, when supper was over, the priest looking down between his legs, and seeing the white cloath thought it was his shirt-tail: and very slyly stops it into his breeches bite, and bite, which the lady and her maid observed, but was ashamed to challenge him; so home he went with the servet in his breeches, and knew nothing of it till going to bed, when it fell from him, his wife enquired how he came by it, he could not tell, but was surprized how he came to have more bulk in his breeches than formerly, but perceiving the name they sent it back again, the priest pleaded to be excused own’d himself only a thief through ignorance.[153]

An old gentleman and his two sons, being in a company, his oldest son sitting next him, spoke a word which highly displeased his father; for which his father gave him a hearty blow on the side of the head: A well said he, I will not lift my hand to strick at my parents, but gives his other brother that sat by him, a blow on the ear, saying give that about by the way of a drink, till it comes to my father again.

A sailor being traveling between _Edinburgh_ and _Linlithgow_ which is twelve long computed miles: and as he was setting out in the morning about 8 o’clock, he seed a vain like young spark go running past him, which he never minded, but kept jogging on at his own leisure: and as he was going into _Linlithgow_, about twelve o’Clock, up comes the young spark, and asked the sailor, what a Clock it was, why says the sailor, I see you have a watch and I have none, what is it? out he pulls his watch, ho said he, it’s directly twelve, and what do you think, it was half an hour after ten or I came out of _Edinburgh_, I have walked it in an hour and a half; it is pretty well tript, says the sailor, but pray sir, what man of business are you? O! said he, I am a watch maker, I was thinking so, said the sailor, for you have made your watch to answer your feet, for those feet can’t answer a right watch, and I suppose your tongue can’t keep time with none of them do you remember where you went past me this morning about eight o’Clock; O yes said he, and off he went.

As two maids was coming from the milking of their cows, one of them steping over a style, fell and spill’d the whole peal full of milk from her head O said she, what will I do, what will I do, O said the other maid, let it go who can help it now, you can make it up again it is not your maiden-head: My maiden-head said she, if it were my maiden-head, I would think nothing of it, many, many a time, I have lost my maiden-head with great pleasure, and I got it ay again, it came ay back to its ain place again, but I’ll never gather up my milk again.

A sailor being one night in company with a country taylor, O said the taylor, but your trade is a very dangerous trade, do you ever pray any? yes said the sailor, when we’re hard beset we pray to blast one anothers eyes and limbs, if they wont be nimble and quick, a wow man but that’s a sad trade, said the taylor, and what trade was your father? why said the sailor, he was a sailor too, and where did he die, said the taylor? why he was drowned at sea, and O man! said the taylor are you not fear’d to go to sea? not I said the sailor: But what trade was your father? indeed said the taylor, he was a taylor as well as me, and where did he die? said the sailor, indeed he died in his bed, says the poor taylor. O then says the sailor, are not you afraid to go to bed lest you die there too.[154]

Three merry companions having met on a saturdays night at an Ale house, (a hatter and a shoemaker, and a taylor,) where they drunk heartily all that night, and to morrow until mid day; and their beats was who had the lovingest wife: So they agreed for a trial of their good nature that every man should do, whatever his wife bade him do; as soon as ever he went home, or who did not as she ordered him, was to pay all the reckoning, which was seven and six-pence, or if all of them did as their wives bade them: then they were to pay all alike: so on this agreement they all came away, first to the hatters house, and in he goes like a madman, dancing and jumping round the floor, his wife at the very time was taking of the pot and setting it in the floor, he still dancing about, now says the wife, ding over the pot with thy madness, so he gives it a kick, and over it went, and that saved him as he had done what his wife bad him do. Then away he goes to the taylors house, and in he goes dancing likewise, but his wife fell a scolding him. O says he, my dear give me a kiss? kiss my arse you drunken rogue, said she; then to her he flys and whips her over in the bed, up with her petty coats and kisses her arse before them all, and that saved him; then away they went to the shoe-makers, and in he goes very merry and dancing about as he saw the other two do: saying come my dear heart and give me a kiss: go hang yourself you drunken dog said she, so he must either go and hang himself directly or pay all the reckoning.

An honest highlandman not long since, not much acquainted with the law, fell out with one of his neighbours, and to the law they went; he employed one advocate, and his opposite another, and as they were debeating it in court before the judges, the highlandman being there present, a friend of his asked him how he thought it would go, or who would win the day, indeed said the highland man, his law man speaks well, and my law man speaks well, I think we’ll both win, and the judges will lose for they speak but a word now and then.

A young woman by the old accident having got herself with child, was called to the Session for so doing: and after one elder another examining her how she got it, and where she got it, and what tempt her to get it; and no doubt the de’il wad get her for the getting of it; last of all the minister he fell a enquiring how she got it, which run the poor lass out of all patience about the getting of it, says the priest: tell me plainly where it was gotten, I tell you said she, that it was gotten in the byre, at a cows staike, and what other place do you want to ken about: but said he, he did not tye you to the cows staike, no said she, I did not need any tying, and how far was between the byre and the house? just butt and ben, up and down twa steps of a stone stair, then says the priest, why did you not cry to the folks in the house: indeed sir, said she, I could not get cried for laughing at it.

An old sodger being on a furlough from the north of Scotland, having got no breakfast, fell very hungry by the way and no ale house being near; came into a farmers house, and desired they would sell, him some bread, or any kind of victuals: to which the surly good wife reply’d, she never sold any bread, and she was not going to begin with him, he had but three miles and a bittok[155] to an ale-house, and he might march on, and she did fair enough when she gide bits of bread for naething to beggars though she gide nane to idle sodgers; he had naething to do there awa: Hute said the goodman gi’ him a laidle fu’ o’ our kail, he’s been ay somebodys bairn, before he was a sodger,[156] What said she there not a drop in the pot, they’re a’ in the plate before you, then gi’ him a spoon and let him sup wi’ us, the soldier gets a spoon and thinking he could sup all he seed himself, the first soup he put in his mouth, spouted it back again in the plate, and crys out O my sore mouth, the hide’s all of it yet since I had the Clap then every one threw down his spoon, the soldier got all to sup himself, the wife stood cursing and scolding all the while, and when he was done burnt both plate and spoon in the fire to prevent the Clap: So the soldier came off with a full belly, leaving the wife dressing the goodmans rigging with a four footed stool, for bidding him sup.

A great drover who frequainted a public inn in the north of England as he passed and repassed agreed with the servant maid of the house, for a touch of love: for which he gave her a six and thirty shilling piece: But on the next morning mounted his horse without asking a bill, or what was to pay, but sir, said the landlord, you forgot to pay your reckoning well minded, sir said he, I want my change I gave your maid a six and thirty to change, the poor maid is called on in haste, yes said she I got it, but it was not for that, throws it down and off she goes, her mistress understood and gave her the challenge, she told her it was so, but she should be up with him; so in twelve months thereafter, he came past with his drove, puts up at the same inn as foremerly; then the girl goes to a neighbour woman, and borrows a young child about three months old, comes into the company where he was, lays it down on the table, saying, sir there’s the change of your six and thirty, and away she comes; the child crys, and the bells rung, the landlord was ready enough to answer, O sir, said he, call her back for this will ruin my family and crack my credit, but sir said the girl, you thought nothing to ruin my character and crack my maiden head; peace, peace said he, my dear, here’s one hundred and fifty pound and take away the child and trouble me no more, well said she I’ll take it: But you will make more of buying cows than maiden heads; so away she came with the money, and returned the borrowed child to its own mother.

A churlish husband and virtuous wife one time fell sadly out, because the wife had given something to the poor, what, said he, mistress, I’ll let you know there is nothing about this house but what is mine and you’re mine, and your very arse is mine; a well well goodman, then you will let me have nothing take it all and give me peace: So away they went to bed the goodwife turned her backside towards the goodman, and as he was falling asleep, she draws up her smoke, and let’s fly in the goodman’s shirt-tail, which wakened him in a great fright, as he had been shot; ay, ay, woman, what are ye about; what am I about, said she, dear woman your filling the bed, not I goodman, for when my arse was my own I took care of it, and take you care of it now it is yours. O rise woman and clean the bed, and keep your arse, and a’ the liberty ye had before, and more if you want it, fich fich, what’s this! am a dirt.

A ships crew being one time in great distress at sea by reason of a violent storm, and being all fallen down to prayer, expecting every moment to go to the bottom; there happened to be an old gentleman a passenger on board with them who had a great big red nose with drinking ale and whisky; and being all at their last prayer as they thought, a little boy burst out into loud laughter: O thou thoughtless rogue said the captain what makes thee to laugh in seeing us all on the point of perishing, why, said the boy, I cannot but laugh, to think what a fine sport it will be when we are all drowning, to see how that man’s red nose will make the water bizz when it comes about it, at which words they all fell a laughing, and cheered the crew, so that they made another attempt to weather it out, and got all safe on shore at last.

_My lovely Bett_,

The beauty of old age, thy hoary head and loutching shoulders inclines to mortality, yet I’ll compare thee to an eagle that has renewed her youth, or a leek with a white head and a green tail, this comes to thee with my kind compliments, for the kisses of thy lips, and the kindness I had to thy late bed-fellow fiddler Pate my brother pensioner, ah! how we drank other’s healths with the broe of the brewket[157] ewes, we brought from boughts of the German Boors, but its nonesence, to blow the dead when in the dust, yet a better violer never scrided on a silken cord, or kittled a cat’s tryps with his finger-ends, his elbow was souple as a eel, and his fingers dabbed at the jigging end like a hungry hen picking barley: I seldom or ever saw him drunk, if keep him from whisky and whisky from him; except that night, he trysted the pair of free stone breeches from Joseph the mason, and now my dear Bessy he’s got them he’s got them, for a free stone covers his body, holds him down and will do, and now, now, my dainty thing, my bonny thing, my best match for matrimony come take me now, or tell me now, I am in anger,[158] I’ll wait nae langer, I say be clever, either now or never, its a rapture of love, that does me move, I’ll have a wife or by my life, if she should be blind and criple, I’ll sell my win, for her meat and fun, the like ne’er gade down her thraple; so now Bessy I love you and my love lies upon you, and if ye love not me again some ill chance come upon you, as am flyting free and flitting free am both in love and banter; or may your rumple rust for me, I’ve sworn it by my chanter.

_From John Kirk’s Wind-mill at Corky Crown._

FINIS.

_THE SCOTS PIPER’S QUERIES:

OR

JOHN FALKIRK’S CARICHES._

[Reprinted from an undated edition published by C. Randall,
Stirling, and collated with one by J. Morren, Edinburgh, and the
modern Glasgow undated edition. The full title is:--‘The Scots
Piper’s Queries: or John Falkirk’s Cariches, made Both Plain and
Easy.

Old PIPER JOHN if you desire
To read at leisure by the fire:
’Twill please the Bairns and keep them laughing,
And mind the Goodwife o’ her daffing.

Stirling.--Printed by C. Randall.’]

AN ACCOUNT OF JOHN FALKIRK, THE SCOTS PIPER.[159]

John Falkirk, commonly called the _Scots Piper_, was a curious little witty fellow, with a round face and a broad nose. None of his companions could answer the many witty questions he proposed to them, therefore he became the wonder of the age in which he lived. Being born of mean parents he got no education, therefore his witty invention was truly natural; and being bred to no business, he was under the necessity of using his genius in the composition of several small books, of which the following Cariches was one, which he disposed of for his support. He became author of many small Tracts, and the following curious and diverting pieces are said to be his composition, viz.:--The History of John Cheap the Chapman, The History of the Haveral Wives, Janet Clinker’s Oration, John Falkirk’s Witty Jokes, Jockie and Maggie’s Courtship, The Proverbs of the Pride of Women, History of Lothian Tom, with many others, which are well known in Scotland, England, and Ireland. In a word, he was

The wittiest fellow in his time,
Either for Prose, or making Rhyme.

THE SCOTS PIPER’S QUERIES;

OR,

JOHN FALKIRK’S CARICHES.[160]

Q. What is the wisest behaviour of ignorant persons?

A. To speak of nothing but what they know, and to give their opinion of nothing but what they understand.

Q. What time is a scolding wife at the best?

A. When she is fast asleep.

Q. What time is a scolding wife at the worst?

A. When she is that wicked as to tear the hair out of her own head, when she cannot get at her neighbours, and thro’ perfect spite bites her own tongue with her own teeth, my hearty wish is, that all such wicked vipers may ever do so.

Q. What is the effectual cure and infallible remedy for a scolding wife?

A. The only cure is to get out of the hearing of her, but the infallible remedy is to nail her tongue to a growing tree, in the beginning of a cold winter night, and so let her stand till sun-rising next morning, she’ll become one of the peacegblest women that ever lay by a man’s side.

Q. What time of the year is it that there is most holes open?

A. In harvest when there are stubbles.

Q. At what time is the cow heaviest?

A. When the bull is on her back.

Q. Who was the goodman’s muckle cow’s calf’s mother?

A. None but the muckle cow herself.

Q. What is the likeliest thing to a man and a horse?

A. A tailor and a mare.

Q. What is the hardest dinner that ever a taylor laid his teeth to?

A. His own goose, tho’ ever so well boiled or roasted.

Q. How many tods’ tails will it take to reach up to the moon?

A. One if it be long enough.

Q. How many sticks gangs to the bigging of a craw’s nest?

A. None for they are all carried.

Q. How many whit’s will a well made pudding prick need?

A. If it be well made it needs no more.

Q. Who was the father of Zebedee’s children?

A. Who but himself.

Q. Where did Moses go when he was full fifteen years old?

A. Into his sixteenth.

Q. How near related is your aunty’s good-brother to you?

A. No nearer than my own father.

Q. How many holes are there in a hen’s doup?

A. Two.

Q. How prove you that?

A. There is one for the dung and another for the egg.

Q. Who is the best for catching of rogues?

A. None so fit as a rogue himself.

Q. Where was the usefulest fair in Scotland kept?

A. At Millgavie.[161]

Q. What sort of commodities were sold there?

A. Nothing but ale and ill wicked wives.

Q. How was it abolished?

A. Because those who went to it once would go to it no more.

Q. For what reason?

A. Because there was no money to be got for them, but fair barter, wife for wife, and he who put away a wife for one fault got a wife with two as bad.

Q. What was the reason that in those days, a man could put away his wife for pissing the bed, and not for sh----g it?

A. Because he could shute it away with his foot and ly down.

Q. What is the reason now a-days, that men court cast marry, and re-marry so many wives, and only but one in public at last?

A. Because private marriage is become as common as smuggling and cuckolding the kirk no more thought of than a man to ride a mile or two upon his neighbour’s mare, men get will and wale of wives, the best portion, and properest person is preferred, the first left the weak to the worst, and she whom he does not love, he shutes away with his foot, and lies down with whom he pleases.

Q. How will you know the bairns of our towns by all others in the kingdom?

A. By their ill-breeding, and bad manners.

Q. What is their behaviour?

A. If you ask them a question in civility, if it were but the road to the next town, they’ll tell you to follow your nose, and if you go wrong curse the guide.

Q. Are young and old of them no better?

A. All the odds lies in the difference, for if you ask a child to whom he belongs, or who is his father, he’ll tell you to kiss his father’s a--.

Q. What sort of creatures is kindliest when they meet?

A. None can exceed the kindness of dogs when they meet in a market.

Q. And what is collie’s kindness there?

A. First, they kiss others mouths and noses, smell all about, and last of all, they are so kind as to kiss others below the tail.

Q. What is the coldest part of a dog?

A. His nose.

Q. What is the coldest part of a man?

A. His knees.

Q. What is the coldest part of a woman?

A. The back parts of her body.

Q. What is the reason, that these three parts of man, woman, and dogs, are coldest?

A. Fabulous historian say that there was three little holes in Noah’s Ark, and that the dog stopt his nose in one, and the other the man put his knee in it, a third and biggest hole broke, the woman bang’d her backside in it and these parts being exposed to the cold blast, make them always cold ever since.

Q. And what does the women do to warm their cold parts?

A. The married women turn their backsides to the goodman’s belly; virgins and those going mad for marriage the heat of their maidenhead keeps them warm, old matrons, whirl’d o’er maidens, widow and widows bewitch’d hold up their coldest parts to the fire.

Q. And what remedy does the poor dog take for his cold nose?

A. Stops it below his tail the hottest bit in his body.

Q. What is the reason the dogs are worst on the chapmen, than on other strange people?

A. It is said the dogs have three accusations against the chapmen, handed down from father to son, or from one generation of dogs to another; the first is as old as Æsop the great wit of Babylon, the dog having a lawsuit against the cat, gained the plea, and coming trudging home with the decree below his tail a wicked chapman throwing his ellwan at him, he let it fa’ and so lost all his privileges thereby. The second is, because in old times the chapmen used to buy dogs and kill them for their skins. The third, when a chapman was quarterd in a farmer’s house, that night the dog lost his property the licking the pot.

Q. What creature resembles most a drunken piper?

A. A cat when she sips milk; she always sings, and so does a piper when he drinks good ale.

Q. What is the reason a dog runs twice round about before he ly down?

A. Because he does not know the head of his bed from the foot of it.

Q. What creature resembles most a long lean, ill looking greasy-fac’d lady for pride?

A. None so much as the cat, who is continually spitting in her lufe and rubbing her face, as many of such ladies do the brown leather of their wrinkled chafts.

Q. Amongst what sort of creatures will you observe most of a natural law?

A. The hart and the hind meet at one certain day in the year; the brood goose, lays her first egg on Fasterns Even, old stile; the crows begin to build their nest the first of March old stile; the swans observe matrimony, and if the female die, the male dares not take up with another or the rest will put him to death; all the birds in general join in pairs and keep so; but the dove resembles the adulterer, when the shoe-one turns old, he puts her away, and takes another; the locusts observe military order, and march in bands; the frogs resemble pipers and preachers, for the young ride the old to death.

Q. Who are the merriest and heartiest people in the world?

A. The sailors, for they’ll be singing and cursing one another when the waves, their graves, are going over their heads.

Q. Which are the disorderliest creatures in battle?

A. Cows and dogs for they all fall on them that are neath-most.

Q. Who are the vainest sort of people in the world?

A. A barber, a tailor, a young soldier, and a poor dominie.

Q. What is the great cause of the barber’s vanity?

A. His being admitted to trim noblemen’s chafts, thyke their sculls, take kings by the nose, and hold a razor to his very throat, which no other subject else dare do.

Q. What is the great cause of the tailor’s pride?

A. His making of peoples new clothes, of which every person, young and old is proud of, then who can walk in a vainer shew than a tailor carrying home a gentleman’s clothes.

Q. What is the cause of a young soldier’s pride?

A. When he lists, he thinks he is free from his mother’s correction, the hard usage of a bad master, has a liberty to curse, swear, whore, and do every thing; until he be convinced by four halberts and the drummer’s whip that he has now got both a military and civil law above his head, and perhaps worse masters than ever.

Q. What is the cause of the poor dominie’s pride?

A. As he is a teacher of the young and ignorant, he supposes no man knows what he knows, the boys call him master therefore he thinks himself a great man.

Q. What sort of a song is it that is sung without a tongue, and its notes are understood by people of all nations?

A. It is a fart which every person knows to be but wind.

Q. What is the reason that young people are vain, giddy-headed, and airy, and not so humble as the children of former years?

A. Because they are brought up and educat after a more haughty strain, by reading fables, plays, novels, and romances; gospel books, such as the psalm-book, proverbs, and the catechisms are like old almanacks; nothing in vogue, but fiddle, flute, Troy and Babylonish tunes; our plain English corrupted with beauish cants, dont, wont, nen, and ken, a jargon worse than the Yorkshire dialect.[162]

Q. Why is swearing become so common amongst the Scot people?

A. Because so many lofty teachers come from the south amongst us, where swearing is practised in its true grammatical perfection, hot oaths, new struck, with as bright a lustre as a new quarter guinea.

Q. How will you know the bones of a mason’s mare at the back of a dyke amongst the bones of a hundred dead horses.

A. Because it is made of wood.

Q. Which are the two things not to be spared, but not to be abused.

A. A soldier’s coat, and a hired horse.[163]

Q. How is a man in debt like a nobleman?

A. Because he has many to wait on and call for him.

Q. How is swearing like a shabby coat?

A. Because it is a bad habit.

Q. How is a bad pen like a wicked and profligate man?

A. Because it wants mending.

Q. Why is a church bell like a story that is handed about?

A. Because it is often toll’d.

Q. What is a man like that is in the midst of a river and cannot swim?

A. He is like to be drowned.

Q. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgot?

A. Because it is out of one’s head.

Q. Why is a book like a tree?

A. Because it is full of leaves.

Q. Why is a good sermon like a plump pudding?

A. Because there is reasons in it.

Q. How is a whorish woman like a charitable person?

A. Because she brings her husband to a piece of bread.[164]

Q. How is a lawyer like a contentious person?

A. Because he breeds wrangling and jangling.

Q. Who is the greatest fool in the world?

A. A whore; for she hazards soul and body for a miserable livelihood.

Q. Who are the two greatest thieves in Great Britain?

A. Tea and Tobacco, for they pick the pockets of the whole nation.

Q. What is the difference between Ale-drapers and Linen-drapers?

A. Only this, the one cheats you with froth and the other with cloth.

Q. If Extortioners cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven, where will Usurers, Tallymen, and Pawn-brokers go?

A. The same road with Extortioners.

Q. What is the consequence of immoderate gaming?

A. By cards and dice, a man is ruin’d in a trice, for gaming and whoring often hang together.

Q. What employments are likest to one another?

A. Soldiers and Butchers are bloody near relations, for they both live by slaughtering and killing.

Q. What are the two hardest things to be found, and yet they are both good in their kind?

A. Good women and good small beer.

Q. Who is the likest to a Boatman?

A. An hypocrite, who always look one way and rows another, in all his transactions.

Q. What are the five greatest rarities to be found in the world?

A. A black Swan, a Phœnix, an Unicorn, the Philosophers’ Stone, and a maiden at sixteen.

Q. What is the greatest folly that sensible people can be guilty of?

A. To go to law about trifles, for whatever way the plea end, the lawyers will be the greatest gainers.

Q. Who has the honestest trade in the world?

A. Ballad-singers; for they always deal with ready-money: and it is as ancient as the Siege of Troy, for Homer was a ballad-singer.

Q. What is the surest method for one to become both rich and respectable?

A. To be sober and industrious.

Q. What is the best method of overcoming the argument of a positive person?

A. Either to say with him, or give him no answer.

Q. What is the wisest course to be followed by a man who has a brawling and scolding wife?

A. To keep silent, and then she’ll bite her own fingers with anger.

Q. What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends?

A. A Ditch.

Q. What is that which was born without a soul, lived and had a soul, yet died without a soul?

A. The whale that swallowed Jona.

Q. What is the longest and the shortest thing in the world? the swiftest and the slowest? the most indivisible and the most extended? the least valued and the most regretted? without which nothing can be done? which devours all that is small, yet gives life and spirit to all that is great?

A. Time.

Q. What creatures are those which appear closely connected, yet upon examination are found to be three distinct bodies, with eight legs, five on one side, and three on the other; three mouths, two straight forwards, and the third on one side; six eyes, four on one side, two on the other: six ears, four on one side, and two on the other?

A. A Man and Woman on horseback.

Q. Why is a churchyard like an inn?

A. Because it receives weary travellers.

Q. Why is a carrotty[165] lady like a troop of soldiers?

A. Because she bears fire-locks.

Q. What did Adam first set in the garden of Eden?

A. His foot.

Q. How is it that a clergyman’s horse is like a King?

A. Because he is guided by a minister.

Q. What is the difference between a boiled sheep’s head and a sheep’s head boiled?

A. In the first the sheep is boiled and in the last the head is boiled.

Q. What kind of snuff is that, the more that is taken the fuller the box is?

A. It is the snuff off the candle.

Q. What relation is that child to its own father who is not its father’ own son?

A. Surely his daughter.

Q. What is that which is often brought to table, always cut, but never eaten?

A. A pack of cards.

Q. Where was Peter when his candle went out?

A. He was in the dark.

Q. What relation is your uncle’s brother to you who is not your uncle?

A. He must be your father.

Q. What difference is there between twice five and twenty and twice twenty five?

A. The former is 30, the latter is 50.

Q. Why is a brewer’s horse like a tap-ster?

A. Because they draw drafts of drink.

END OF THE CARICHES.

_THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF PADY FROM CORK._

[The text here followed is that of an edition in the possession
of Matthew Shields, Esq. The full title is:--‘The Comical
Sayings of Pady from Cork, with his coat button’d behind. Being
an Elegant Conference between English Tom and Irish Teague:
With Pady’s Catechism, his Opinion of Purgatory, the State of
the dead; and his Supplication when a Mountain Sailor. To which
is added, a Creed for all Romish Believers. In all its parts,
carefully corrected. Glasgow, Printed by J. & M. Robertson, (No.
18.) Saltmarket, 1807.’ It is a 24 pp. 12mo. Pady’s Catechism and
petition, and the Creed, have been collated with the versions of
them given in the 1777 edition of _Lothian Tom_. See prefatory
note to that chap-book at p. 66 of the present volume, and also
footnote at p. 84.]

THE COMICAL SAYINGS OF PADY FROM CORK.