Chapter VII: Epilogue: , (1)

Written by Mr. =Motteux=.

_I'm thinking, now good husbands are so few,
To get one for my friend what I must do.
~Camillo~ ventur'd hard; yet at the worst,
She stole love's honey-moon, and try'd her lover first.
Many poor damsels, if they dar'd to tell,
Have done as much, but have not 'scap'd so well.
'Tis well the scene's in ~Spain~; thus, in the dark,
I should be loth to trust a ~London~ spark.
Some accident might for a private reason,
Silence a female, all this acting-season.
Hard fate of women: any one wou'd vex,
To think what odds, you men have, of our sex.
Restraint and custom share our inclination,
You men can try, and run o'er half the nation.
We dare not, even to avoid reproach,
When you're at ~White~'s, peep out of hackney-coach;
Nor with a friend at night, our fame regarding,
With glass drawn up, drive 'bout ~Covent-Garden~.
If poor town-ladies steal in here, you rail,
Tho' like chaste nuns their modest looks they veil;
With this decorum, they can hardly gain
To be thought virtuous, e'en in ~Drury-Lane~.
Tho' this you'll not allow, yet sure you may
A plot to snap you, in an honest way.
In love affairs, one scarce would spare a brother: }
All cheat; and married folks may keep a pother, }
But look as if they cheated one another. }
You may pretend, our sex dissembles most;
But of your truth none have much cause to boast:
You promise bravely; but for all your storming,
We find you're not so valiant at performing.
Then sure ~Camillo~'s conduct you'll approve:
Wou'd you not do as much for one you love?
Wedlock's but a blind bargain at the best,
You venture more sometimes, to be not half so blest.
All, soon or late, that dangerous venture make,
And some of you may make a worse mistake._

THE

COUNTRY HOUSE.

A

FARCE.

Dramatis Personæ.

MEN.

_Mr._ Barnard.

_Mr._ Griffard, _Brother to Mr._ Barnard.

Erastus, _in love with_ Mariamne.

Dorant, _Son to Mr._ Barnard.

_Monsieur le Marquis_.

_Baron_ de Messy.

Janno, _Cousin to Mr._ Barnard.

Colin, _Servant to Mr._ Barnard.

Charly, _a little Boy_.

_Servant to_ Erastus.

_Three gentlemen, friends to_ Dorant.

_A cook, other servants, &c._

WOMEN.

_Mrs._ Barnard.

Mariamne, _her daughter_.

Mawkin, _sister to_ Janno.

Lisetta, _servant to_ Mariamne.

The +SCENE+ is laid in _Normandy_ in
_France_.

THE

COUNTRY HOUSE.

+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I.

_Enter ~Erastus~ and his man, with ~Lisetta~, ~Mariamne~'s maid._

_Lis._ Once more I tell ye, Sir, if you have any consideration in the world for her, you must be gone this minute.

_Er._ My dear _Lisetta_, let me but speak to her, let me but see her only.

_Lis._ You may do what you will; but not here, whilst you are in our house. I do believe she's as impatient to see you, as you can be to see her; but----

_Er._ But why won't you give us that satisfaction then?

_Lis._ Because I know the consequence; for when you once get together, the Devil himself is not able to part you; you will stay so long 'till you are surpriz'd, and what will become of us then?

_Serv._ Why, then we shall be thrown out at the window, I suppose.

_Lis._ No, but I shall be turn'd out of doors.

_Er._ How unfortunate am I! these doors are open to all the world, and only shut to me.

_Lis._ Because you come for a wife, and at our house we do not care for people that come for wives.

_Serv._ What would you have us come for, child?

_Lis._ Any thing but wives; because they cannot be put off without portions.

_Serv._ Portions! No, no, never talk of portions; my Master nor I neither don't want portions; and if he'd follow my advice, a regiment of fathers shou'd not guard her.

_Lis._ What say you?

_Serv._ Why, if you'll contrive that my Master may run away with your Mistress, I don't much care, faith, if I run away with you.

_Lis._ Don't you so, rogue's face? but I hope to be better provided for.

_Er._ Hold your tongues. But where is _Mariamne_'s brother? He is my bosom friend, and would be willing to serve me.

_Lis._ I told you before, that he has been abroad a hunting, and we han't seen him these three days; he seldom lies at home, to avoid his father's ill humour; so that it is not your Mistress only that our old covetous cuff teizes----there's nobody in the family but feels the effects of his ill humour----by his good will he would not suffer a creature to come within his doors, or eat at his table----and if there be but a rabbit extraordinary for dinner, he thinks himself ruin'd for ever.

_Er._ Then I find you pass your time comfortably in this family.

_Lis._ Not so bad as you imagine neither, perhaps; for, thank Heaven, we have a Mistress that's as bountiful as he is stingy, one that will let him say what he will, and yet does what she will. But hark, here's somebody coming; it is certainly he.

_Er._ Can't you hide us somewhere?

_Lis._ Here, here, get you in here as fast as you can.

_Serv._ Thrust me in too.

[_Puts 'em into the closet._

+SCENE+ II.

_Enter ~Mariamne~._

_Lis._ O, is it you?

_Mar._ So, _Lisetta_, where have you been? I've been looking for you all over the house: who are those people in the garden with my mother-in-law? I believe my father won't be very well pleas'd to see 'em there.

_Lis._ And here's somebody else not afar off, that I believe your father won't be very well pleas'd with neither. Come, Sir, Sir.

[_Calls._

[_Erastus and his servant come out._

_Mar._ O Heavens!

[_Cries out._

_Lis._ Come, lovers, I can allow you but a short bout on't this time; you must do your work with a jirk----one whisper, two sighs and, a kiss; make haste, I say, and I'll stand centry for you in the mean time.

[_Exit ~Lisetta~._

_Mar._ Do you know what you expose me to, _Erastus_? What do you mean?

_Er._ To die, Madam, since you receive me with so little pleasure.

_Mar._ Consider what wou'd become of me, if my father shou'd see you here.

_Er._ What wou'd you have me do?

_Mar._ Expect with patience some happy turn of affairs; my mother-in-law is kind and indulgent to a miracle, and her favour, if well managed, may turn to our advantage; and cou'd I prevail upon myself to declare my passion to her, I don't doubt but she'd join in our interest.

_Er._ Well, since we've nothing to fear from her, and your brother, you know is my intimate friend; you may therefore conceal me somewhere about the house for a few days. I'll creep into any hole.

_Serv._ Ay, but who must have the care of bringing us victuals?

[_Aside._

_Er._ Thrust us into the cellar, or up into the garret: I don't care where it is, so that it be but under the same roof with you.

_Serv._ But I don't say so, for that jade _Lisetta_ will have the feeding of us, and I know what kind of diet she keeps----I believe we shan't be like the fox in the fable, our bellies won't be so full but we shall be able to creep out at the same hole we got in at.

_Er._ Must I then be gone? must I return to Paris?

_Enter ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ Yes, that you must, and immediately too, for here's my master coming in upon ye.

_Er._ What shall I do?

_Lis._ Begone this minute.

_Mar._ Stay in the village 'till you hear from me, none of our family know that you are in it.

_Er._ Shall I see you sometimes?

_Mar._ I han't time to answer you now.

_Lis._ Make haste, I say; are you bewitch'd?

_Er._ Will you write to me?

_Mar._ I will if can.

_Lis._ Begone, I say, is the Devil in you?

[_Thrusting ~Erastus~ and his servant out._

Come this way, your father's just stepping in upon us.

[_Exeunt._

+SCENE+ III.

_Enter Mr. ~Barnard~ beating ~Colin~._

Mr. _Barn._ Rogue! rascal! did not I command you? Did not I give you my orders, sirrah?

_Col._ Why, you gave me orders to let no body in; and Madam, her gives me orders to let every body in----why the Devil himself can't please you boath, I think.

Mr. _Barn._ But, sirrah, you must obey my orders, not hers.

_Col._ Why the gentlefolks asked for her, they did not ask for you--what do you make such a noise about?

Mr. _Barn._ For that reason, sirrah, you shou'd not have let 'em in.

_Col._ Hold, Sir, I'd rather see you angry than her, that's true; for when you're angry you have only the devil in ye, but when Madam's in a passion she has the devil and his dam both in her belly.

Mr. _Barn._ You must mind what I say to you, sirrah, and obey my orders.

_Col._ Ay, ay, Measter----but let's not quarrel with one another--you're always in such a plaguy humour.

Mr. _Barn._ What are these people that are just come?

_Col._ Nay, that know not I----but as fine volk they are as ever eye beheld, heaven bless 'em.

Mr. _Barn._ Did you hear their names?

_Col._ Noa, noa, but in a coach they keam all besmeared with gould, with six breave horses, the like on 'em ne'er did I set eyes on----'twou'd do a man's heart good to look on sike fine beast, Measter.

Mr. _Barn._ How many persons are there?

_Col._ Vour----two as fine men as ever women bore, and two as dainty deames as a man wou'd desire to lay his lips to.

Mr. _Barn._ And all this crew sets up at my house.

_Col._ Noa, noa, Measter, the coachman is gone into the village to set up his coach at some inn, for I told him our coach-house was vull of vaggots, but he'll bring back the six horses, for I told him we had a rear good stable.

Mr. _Barn._ Did you so, rascal? Did you so?

[_Beats him._

_Col._ Doant, doant, Sir, it wou'd do you good to see sike cattle, i'faith they look as if they had ne'er kept Lent.

Mr. _Barn._ Then they shall learn religion at my house----Sirrah, do you take care they sup without oats to-night----What will become of me? Since I bought this damn'd country house, I spend more in a summer than wou'd maintain me seven years.

_Col._ Why, if you do spend money, han't you good things for it? Come they not to see you the whole country raund? Mind how you're belov'd, Measter.

Mr. _Barn._ Pox take such love----How now, what do you want?

_Enter ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ Sir, there's some company in the garden with my mistress, who desire to see you.

Mr. _Barn._ The devil take 'em, what business have they here? But who are they?

_Lis._ Why, Sir, there's the fat Abbot that always sits so long at dinner, and drinks his two bottles by way of whet.

Mr. _Barn._ I wish his church was in his belly, that his guts might be half full before he came----and who else?

_Lis._ Then there's the young Marquis that won all my Lady's money at cards.

Mr. _Barn._ Pox take him too.

_Lis._ Then there's the merry Lady that's always in a good humour.

Mr. _Barn._ Very well.

_Lis._ Then there's she that threw down all my Lady's china t'other day, and laugh'd at it for a jest.

Mr. _Barn._ Which I paid above fifty pounds for in earnest--very well, and pray how did Madam receive all this fine company?----With a hearty welcome, and a courtsy with her bum down to the ground, ha.

_Lis._ No indeed, Sir, she was very angry with 'em.

Mr. _Barn._ How, angry with 'em, say you?

_Lis._ Yes indeed, Sir, for she expected they wou'd have staid here a fortnight, but it seems things happen so unluckily that they can't stay here above ten days.

Mr. _Barn._ Ten days! How! what! four persons with a coach and six, and a kennel of hungry hounds in liveries, to live upon me ten days.

[_Exit ~Lisetta~._

_Enter a soldier._

So, what do you want?

_Sol._ Sir, I come from your nephew, Captain _Hungry_.

Mr. _Barn._ Well, what does he want?

_Sol._ He gives his service to you, Sir, and sends you word that he'll come and dine with you to-morrow.

Mr. _Barn._ Dine with me! no, no, friend, tell him I don't dine at all to-morrow, it is my fast-day, my wife died on't.

_Sol._ And he has sent you here a pheasant and a couple of partridges.

Mr. _Barn._ How's that, a pheasant and partridges, say you?----let's see----very fine birds, truly----let me consider--To-morrow is not my fast-day, I mistook, tell my nephew he shall be welcome----And d'ye hear? [_To ~Colin~._] do you take these fowls and hang them up in a cool place----and take this soldier in, and make him drink--make him drink, d'ye see----a cup,----ay, a cup of small beer----d'ye hear?

_Col._ Yes, Sir----Come along; our small beer is reare good.

_Sol._ But, Sir, he bade me tell you that he'll bring two or three of his brother officers along with him.

Mr. _Barn._ How's that! Officers with him----here, come back----take the fowls again; I don't dine to-morrow, and so tell him [_Gives him the basket._] Go, go.

[_Thrusts him out._

_Sol._ Sir, Sir, that won't hinder them from coming, for they retir'd a little distance off the camp, and because your house is near 'em, Sir, they resolve to come.

Mr. _Barn._ Go, begone, Sirrah,

[_Thrusts him out._

There's a rogue now, that sends me three lean carrion birds, and brings half a dozen varlets to eat them.

_Enter Mr. ~Griffard~._

_Griff._ Brother, what is the meaning of these doings? If you don't order your affairs better, you'll have your fowls taken out of your very yard, and carried away before your face.

Mr. _Barn._ Can I help it, brother? But what's the matter now?

_Griff._ There's a parcel of fellows have been hunting about your grounds all this morning, broke down your hedges, and are now coming into your house----don't you hear them?

Mr. _Barn._ No, no, I don't hear them: who are they?

_Griff._ Three or four rake-helly officers, with your nephew at the head of 'em.

Mr. _Barn._ O the rogue! he might well send me fowls----but is it not a vexatious thing, that I must stand still and see myself plunder'd at this rate, and have a carrion of a wife who thinks I ought to thank all these rogues that come to devour me! but can't you advise me what's to be done in this case?

_Griff._ I wish I cou'd; for it goes to my heart to see you thus treated by a crew of vermin, who think they do you a great deal of honour in ruining of you.

Mr. _Barn._ Can there be no way found to redress this?

_Griff._ If I were you, I'd leave this house quite, and go to town.

Mr. _Barn._ What, and leave my wife behind me? ay that wou'd be mending the matter indeed!

_Griff._ Why don't you sell it then?

Mr. _Barn._ Because nobody will buy it; it has got as bad a name as if the plague were in't; it has been sold over and over, and every family that has liv'd in it has been ruin'd.

_Griff._ Then send away all your beds and furniture; except what is absolutely necessary for your own family, you'll save something by that, for then your guests can't stay with you all night, however.

Mr. _Barn._ I've try'd that already, and it signified nothing----For they all got drunk and lay in the barn, and next morning laugh'd it off for a frolick.

_Griff._ Then there is but one remedy left that I can think of.

Mr. _Barn._ What's that?

_Griff._ You must e'en do what's done when a town's on fire, blow up your house that the mischief may run no farther----But who is this gentleman?

Mr. _Barn._ I never saw him in my life before, but for all that, I'll hold fifty pound he comes to dine with me.

_Enter the Marquis._

_Marq._ My dear Mr. _Barnard_, I'm your most humble servant.

Mr. _Barn._ I don't doubt it, Sir.

_Marq._ What is the meaning of this, Mr. _Barnard_? You look as coldly upon me as if I were a stranger.

Mr. _Barn._ Why truly, Sir, I'm very apt to do so by persons I never saw in my life before.

_Marq._ You must know, Mr. _Barnard_, I'm come on purpose to drink a bottle with you.

Mr. _Barn._ That may be, Sir; but it happens that at this time I am not at all dry.

_Marq._ I left the ladies at cards waiting for supper; for my part, I never play; so I came to see my dear Mr. _Barnard_; and I'll assure you I undertook this journey only to have the honour of your acquaintance.

Mr. _Barn._ You might have spared yourself that trouble, Sir.

_Marq._ Don't you know, Mr. _Barnard_, that this house of yours is a little paradise?

Mr. _Barn._ Then rot me if it be, Sir.

_Marq._ For my part, I think a pretty retreat in the country is one of the greatest comforts of life; I suppose you never want good company, Mr. _Barnard_?

Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, I never want company; for you must know I love very much to be alone.

_Marq._ Good wine you must keep above all things, without good wine and good cheer I would not give a fig for the country.

Mr. _Barn._ Really, Sir, my wine is the worst you ever drank in your life, and you'll find my cheer but very indifferent.

_Marq._ No matter, no matter, Mr. _Barnard_; I've heard much of your hospitality, there's a plentiful table in your looks----and your wife is certainly one of the best women in the world.

Mr. _Barn._ Rot me if she be, Sir.

_Enter ~Colin~._

_Col._ Sir, Sir, yonder's the Baron _de Messy_ has lost his hawk in our garden; he says it is pearch'd upon one of the trees; may we let him have'n again, Sir?

Mr. _Barn._ Go tell him that----

_Col._ Nay, you may tell him yourself, for here he comes.

+SCENE+ IV.

_Enter the Baron ~de Messy~._

Sir, I'm your most humble Servant, and ask you a thousand pardons that I should live so long in your neighbourhood, and come upon such an occasion as this to pay you my first respects.

Mr. _Barn._ It is very well, Sir; but I think people may be very good neighbours without visiting one another.

_Baron._ Pray how do you like our _country_?

Mr. _Barn._ Not at all, I'm quite tired on't.

_Marq._ Is it not the Baron? [_Aside._] it is certainly he.

_Baron._ How; my dear Marquis! let me embrace you.

_Marq._ My dear Baron, let me kiss you.

[_They run and embrace._

_Baron._ We have not seen one another since we were school-fellows, before.

_Marq._ The happiest _Rencontré_!

_Bro._ These gentlemen seem to be very well acquainted.

Mr. _Barn._ Yes, but I know neither one nor t'other of them.

_Marq._ Baron, let me present to you one of the best-natur'd men in the world, Mr. _Barnard_ here, the flower of hospitality----I congratulate you upon having so good a neighbour.

Mr. _Barn._ Sir!

_Baron._ It is an advantage I am proud of.

Mr. _Barn._ Sir!

_Marq._ Come, gentlemen, you must be very intimate; let me have the honour of bringing you better acquainted.

Mr. _Barn._ Sir!

_Baron._ Dear Marquis, I shall take it as a favour, if you'll do me that honour.

Mr. _Barn._ Sir!

_Marq._ With all my heart----Come, Baron, now you are here we can make up the most agreeable company in the world----Faith you shall stay and pass a few days with us.

Mr. _Barn._ Methinks now, this son of a whore does the honour of my house to a miracle.

_Baron._ I don't know what to say, but I shou'd be very glad you'd excuse me.

_Marq._ Faith, I can't.

_Baron._ Dear Marquis.

_Marq._ Egad I won't.

_Baron._ Well, since it must be so----But here comes the Lady of the family.

_Enter Mrs. ~Barnard~._

_Marq._ Madam, let me present you to the flower of _France_.

_Baron._ Madam, I shall think myself the happiest person in the world in your Ladyship's acquaintance; and the little estate I have in _this country_ I esteem more than all the rest, because it lies so near your Ladyship.

Mrs. _Barn._ Sir, your most humble servant.

_Marq._ Madam, the Baron _de Messy_ is the best humour'd man in the world. I've prevail'd with him to give us his company a few days.

Mrs. _Barn._ I'm sure you could not oblige Mr. _Barnard_ or me more.

Mr. _Barn._ That's a damn'd lye, I'm sure.

[_Aside._

_Baron._ I'm sorry, Madam, I can't accept of the honour----for it falls out so unluckily, that I've some ladies at my house that I can't possibly leave.

_Marq._ No matter, no matter, Baron; you have ladies at your house, we have ladies at our house--let's join companies----come, let's send for them immediately; the more the merrier.

Mr. _Barn._ An admirable expedient, truly!

_Baron._ Well, since it must be so, I'll go for them myself.

_Marq._ Make haste, dear Baron, for we shall be impatient for your return.

_Baron._ Madam, your most humble servant----But I won't take my leave of you----I shall be back again immediately----Monsieur _Barnard_, I'm your most humble servant; since you will have it so, I'll return as soon as possible.

Mr. _Barn._ I have it so! 'sbud, Sir, you may stay as long as you please; I'm in no haste for ye.

[_Exeunt Baron and Marquis._

Mr. _Barn._ Madam, you are the cause that I am not master of my own house.

Mrs. _Barn._ Will you never learn to be reasonable, husband?

_The Marquis returns._

_Marq._ The Baron is the best humour'd man in the world, only a little too ceremonious, that's all----I love to be free and generous; since I came to _Paris_ I've reform'd half the court.

Mrs. _Barn._ You are of the most agreeable humour in the world, _Marquis_.

_Marq._ Always merry----But what have you done with the ladies?

Mrs. _Barn._ I left them at cards.

_Marq._ Well, I'll wait upon 'em----but, Madam, let me desire you not to put yourself to any extraordinary expence upon our accounts----You must consider we have more than one day to live together.

Mrs. _Barn._ You are pleased to be merry, Marquis.

_Marq._ Treat us without ceremony; good wine and poultry you have of your own; wild-fowl and fish are brought to your door----You need not send abroad for any thing but a piece of butcher's meat, or so----Let us have no extraordinaries.

[_Exit._

Mr. _Barn._ If I had the feeding of you, a thunder bolt should be your supper.

Mrs. _Barn._ Husband, will you never change your humour? If you go on at this rate, it will be impossible to live with ye.

Mr. _Barn._ Very true; for in a little time I shall have nothing to live upon.

Mrs. _Barn._ Do you know what a ridiculous figure you make?

Mr. _Barn._ You'll make a great deal worse, when you han't money enough to pay for the washing of your shifts.

Mrs. _Barn._ It seems you married me only to dishonour me; how horrible this is!

Mr. _Barn._ I tell ye, you'll ruin me. Do you know how much money you spend in a year?

Mrs. _Barn._ Not I truly, I don't understand arithmetic.

Mr. _Barn._ Arithmetic, O lud! O lud! Is it so hard to comprehend, that he who receives but sixpence and spends a shilling, must be ruin'd in the end?

Mrs. _Barn._ I never troubled my head with accompts, nor never will; but if you did but know what ridiculous things the world says of ye----

Mr. _Barn._ Rot the world----'Twill say worse of me when I'm in a jail.

Mrs. _Barn._ A very Christian-like saying, truly.

Mr. _Barn._ Don't tell me of Christian----Adsbud, I'll turn Jew, and nobody shall eat at my table that is not circumcised.

_Enter ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ Madam, there's the Dutchess of _Twangdillo_ just fell down near our door, her coach was overturn'd.

Mrs. _Barn._ I hope her Grace has received no hurt.

_Lis._ No, Madam, but her coach is broke.

Mr. _Barn._ Then there's a smith in town may mend it.

_Lis._ They say, 'twill require two or three days to fit it up again.

Mrs. _Barn._ I'm glad on't with all my heart, for then I shall enjoy the pleasure of her Grace's good company.----I'll wait upon her.

Mr. _Barn._ Very fine doings this!

[_Exeunt severally._

+ACT+ II. +SCENE+ I.

_Enter ~Mr.~ Barnard._

Heaven be now my comfort, for my house is hell: [_Starts._] Who's there, what do you want? who are you?

_Enter servant with a portmanteau._

_Serv._ Sir, here's your cousin _Janno_ and cousin _Mawkin_ come from _Paris_.

Mr. _Barn._ What a plague do they want?

_Enter ~Janno~ leading in ~Mawkin~._

_Jan._ Come, sister, come along----O here's cousin _Barnard_----Cousin _Barnard_, your servant----Here's my sister _Mawkin_ and I are come to see you.

_Mawk._ Ay, cousin, here's brother _Janno_ and I are come from _Paris_ to see you: pray how does cousin _Mariamne_ do?

_Jan._ My sister and I waunt well at _Paris_; so my father sent us here for two or three weeks to take a little country air.

Mr. _Barn._ You cou'd not come to a worse place; for this is the worst air in the whole county.

_Mawk._ Nay, I'm sure, my father says it is the best.

Mr. _Barn._ Your father's a fool; I tell ye, 'tis the worst.

_Jan._ Nay, cousin, I fancy you're mistaken now; for I begin to find my stomach come to me already; in a fortnight's time you shall see how I'll lay about me.

Mr. _Barn._ I don't at all doubt it.

_Mawk._ Father wou'd have sent sister _Flip._ and little brother _Humphrey_, but the calash would not hold us all, and so they don't come till to-morrow with mother.

_Jan._ Come, sister, let's put up our things in our chamber; and after you have washed my face, and put me on a clean neckcloth, we'll go in and see how our cousins do.

_Mawk._ Ay, come along, we'll go and see cousin _Mariamne_.

_Jan._ Cousin, we shan't give you much trouble, one bed will serve us; for sister _Mawkin_ and I always lie together.

_Mawk._ But, cousin; mother prays you that you'd order a little cock-broth for brother _Janno_ and I, to be got ready as soon as may be.

_Jan._ Ay, _a propos_, cousin _Barnard_, that's true; my mother desires, that we may have some cock-broth to drink two or three times a-day between meals, for my sister and I are sick folks.

_Mawk._ And some young chickens, too, the doctor said would bring us to our stomachs very soon.

_Jan._ You fib now, sister, it waunt young chickens, so it waunt, it was plump partridges sure, the doctor said so.

_Mawk._ Ay, so it was brother,--come, let's go in, and see our cousins.

_Jan._ Ay, come along, sister--cousin _Barnard_, don't forget the cock-broth.

[_Exeunt ~Janno~ and ~Mawkin~._

Mr. _Barn._ What the Devil does all this mean----mother, and sister _Flip._, and little brother _Humphrey_, and chickens, and partridges, and cock-broth, and fire from hell to dress 'em all.

+SCENE+ II.

_Enter ~Colin~._

_Col._ O measter, O measter----you'll not chide to-day, as you are usen to do, no marry will you not; see now what it is to be wiser than one's measter.

Mr. _Barn._ What wou'd this fool have?

_Col._ Why thanks and money to boot, an folk were grateful.

Mr. _Barn._ What's the matter?

_Col._ Why the matter is, if you have good store of company in your house, you have good store of meat to put in their bellies.

Mr. _Barn._ How so? how so?

_Col._ Why a large and stately stag, with a pair of horns on his head, heavens bless you, your worship might be seen to wear 'em, comes towards our Geat a puffing and blawing like a cow in hard labour----Now says I to myself, says I, if my measter refuse to let this fine youth come in, why then he's a fool, d'ye see--So I opens him the geat, pulls off my hat with both my honds, and said you're welcome, kind Sir, to our house.

Mr. _Barn._ Well, well!

_Col._ Well, well, ay, and so it is well, as you shall straightway find----So in he trots, and makes directly towards our barn, and goes bounce, bounce, against the door, as boldly as if he had been measter on't----he turns'en about and thwacks'n down in the stra, as who would say, here will I lay me till to-morrow morning--But he had no fool to deal with----for to the kitchen goes I, and takes me down a musquet, and with a breace of balls, I hits'n such a slap in the feace, that he ne'er spoke a word more to me----Have I done well or no measter?

Mr. _Barn._ Yes, you have done very well for once.

_Col._ But this was not all, for a parcel of dogs came yelping after their companion, as I suppose; so I goes to the back yard-door, and as many as came by, shu, says I, and drove them into the gearden, so there they are as safe as in a pawnd----ha, ha,----but I can but think what a power of pasties we shall have at our house, ha, ha.

[_Exit ~Colin~._

Mr. _Barn._ I see Providence takes some care of me: this cou'd never have happened in a better time.

+SCENE+ III.

_Enter ~Cook~._

_Cook._ Sir, sir, in the name of wonder, what do you mean? is it by your orders that all those dogs were let into the garden?

Mr. _Barn._ How!

_Cook._ I believe there's forty or fifty dogs tearing up the lettice and cabbage by the root. I believe before they have done, they'll rout up the whole garden.

Mr. _Barn._ This is that rogue's doings.

_Cook._ This was not all, Sir, for three or four of 'em came into the kitchen, and tore half the meat off the spit that was for your worship's supper.

Mr. _Barn._ The very dogs plague me.

_Cook._ And then there's a crew of hungry footmen who devour'd what the dogs left, so that there's not a bit left for your worship's supper, not a scrap, not one morsel, Sir.

[_Exit ~Cook~._

Mr. _Barn._ Sure I shall hit on some way to get rid of this crew.

+SCENE+ IV.

_Enter ~Colin~._

_Col._ Sir, Sir, here's the devil to do without yonder; a parcel of fellows swear they'll have our venison, and s'blead I swear they shall have none on't, so stand to your arms, measter.

Mr. _Barn._ Ay, you've done finely, rogue, rascal, have you not?

[_Beating him._

_Col._ 'Sblead, I say they shan't have our venison. I'll die before I'll part with it.

[_Exit._

_Enter ~Griffard~._

_Griff._ Brother, there's some gentlemen within ask for you.

Mr. _Barn._ What gentlemen? who are they?

_Griff._ The gentlemen that have been hunting all this morning, they're now gone up to your wife's chamber.

Mr. _Barn._ The Devil go with 'em.

_Griff._ There is but one way to get rid of this plague, and that is, as I told you before, to set your house on fire.

Mr. _Barn._ That's doing myself an injury, not them.

_Griff._ There's dogs, horses, masters and servants, all intend to stay here 'till to-morrow morning, that they may be near the woods to hunt the earlier--besides (I overheard them) they're in a kind of plot against you.

Mr. _Barn._ What did they say?

_Griff._ You'll be angry if I tell ye.

Mr. _Barn._ Can I be more angry than I am?

_Griff._ They said then that it was the greatest pleasure in the world to ruin an old lawyer in the country, who had got an estate by ruining honest people in town.

Mr. _Barn._ There's rogues for ye!

_Griff._ I'm mistaken if they don't play you some trick or other.

Mr. _Barn._ Hold, let me consider.

_Griff._ What are you doing?

_Griff._ I'm _conceiving_, I shall _bring forth_ presently----oh, I have it, it comes from hence, wit was its father, and invention its mother; if I had thought on't sooner, I shou'd have been happy.

_Griff._ What is it?

Mr. _Barn._ Come, come along, I say; you must help me to put it in execution.

+SCENE+ V.

_Enter ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ Sir, my mistress desires you to walk up, she is not able, by herself, to pay the civilities due to so much good company.

Mr. _Barn._ O the carrion! what does she play her jests upon me too?----but mum, he laughs best that laughs last.

_Lis._ What shall I tell her, Sir, will you come?

Mr. _Barn._ Yes, yes, tell her I'll come with a pox to her.

[_Exeunt ~Mr.~ Barnard ~and~ Griffard._

_Lis._ Nay, I don't wonder he shou'd be angry--they do try his patience, that's the truth on't.

+SCENE+ VI.

_Enter ~Mariamne~._

What, Madam, have you left your mother and the company?

_Mar._ So much tittle tattle makes my head ake; I don't wonder my father shou'd not love the _country_, for besides the expence he's at, he never enjoys a minute's quiet.

_Lis._ But let's talk of our own affairs--have you writ to your lover?

_Mar._ No, for I have not had time since I saw him.

_Lis._ Now you have time then, about it immediately, for he's a sort of desperate spark, and a body does not know what he may do, if he shou'd not hear from you; besides you promised him, and you must behave yourself like a woman of honour, and keep your word.

_Mar._ I'll about it this minute.

_Enter ~Charly~._

_Char._ Cousin, cousin, cousin, where are you going? Come back, I have something to say to you.

_Lis._ What does this troublesome boy want?

_Char._ What's that to you what I want? perhaps I have something to say to her that will make her laugh----why sure! what need you care?

_Mar._ Don't snub my cousin _Charly_----well, what is't?

_Char._ Who do you think I met, as I was coming here, but that handsome gentleman I've seen at church ogle you like any devil?

_Mar._ Hush, softly, cousin.

_Lis._ Not a word of that for your life.

_Char._ O I know I shou'd not speak on't before folks; you know I made signs to you above, that I wanted to speak to you in private, didn't I, cousin?

_Mar._ Yes, yes, I saw you.

_Char._ You see I can keep a secret.----I am no girl, mun----I believe I cou'd tell you fifty and fifty to that, of my sister _Cicely_----O she's the devil of a girl----but she gives me money and sugar-plumbs----and those that are kind to me fare the better for it, you see cousin.

_Mar._ I always said my cousin _Charly_ was a good-natur'd boy.

_Lis._ Well, and did he know you?

_Char._ Yes, I think he did know me--for he took me in his arms, and did so hug and kiss me----between you and I, cousin, I believe he is one of the best friends I have in the world.

_Mar._ Well, but what did he say to you?

_Char._ Why, he ask'd me where I was going; I told him I was coming to see you; you're a lying young rogue, says he, I'm sure you dare not go see your cousin--for you must know my sister was with me, and it seems he took her for a crack, and I being a forward boy, he fancied I was going to make love to her under a hedge, ha, ha.

_Mar._ So.

_Char._ So he offer'd to lay me a _Lewis d'Or_ that I was not coming to you; so done, says I----Done, says he,----and so 'twas a bett, you know.

_Mar._ Certainly.

_Char._ So my sister's honour being concern'd, and having a mind to win his _Lewis d'Or_, d'ye see----I bid him follow me, that he might see whether I came in or no--but he said he'd wait for me at the little garden gate that opens into the fields, and if I would come thro' the house and meet him there, he should know by that whether I had been in or no.

_Mar._ Very well.

_Char._ So I went there, open'd the gate and let him in--

_Mar._ What then?

_Char._ Why then he paid me the _Lewis d'Or_, that's all.

_Mar._ Why, that was honestly done.

_Char._ And then he talk'd to me of you, and said you had the charmingest bubbies, and every time he nam'd 'em, ha! says he, as if he had been sipping hot tea.

_Mar._ But was this all?

_Char._ No, for he had a mind, you must know, to win his _Lewis d'Or_ back again; so he laid me another, that I dare not come back, and tell you that he was there; so cousin, I hope you won't let me lose, for if you don't go to him and tell him that I've won, he won't pay me.

_Mar._ What, wou'd you have me go and speak to a man?

_Char._ Not for any harm, but to win your poor cousin a _Lewis d'Or_. I'm sure you will--for you're a modest young woman, and may go without danger----Well, cousin, I'll swear you look very handsome to-day, and have the prettiest bubbies there; do let me feel 'em, I'll swear you must.

_Mar._ What does the young rogue mean? I swear I'll have you whipt.

[_Exeunt ~Charly~ and ~Mariamne~._

_Enter ~Colin~._

_Col._ Ha, ha, ha! our old gentleman's a wag efaith, he'll be even with 'em for all this, ha, ha, ha----

_Lis._ What's the matter? what does the fool laugh at?

_Col._ We an't in our house now, _Lisetta_, we're in an inn: ha, ha!

_Lis._ How in an inn?

_Col._ Yes, in an inn, my measter has gotten an old rusty sword, and hung it up at our geat, and writ underneath with a piece of charcoal with his own fair hand, _At the_ Sword Royal; _entertainment for man and horse_: ha, ha----

_Lis._ What whim is this?

_Col._ Thou, and I, live at the _Sword Royal_, ha, ha--

_Lis._ I'll go tell my mistress of her father's extravagance.

[_Exit ~Lisetta~._

+SCENE+ VII.

_Enter Mr. ~Barnard~ and ~Griffard~._

Mr. _Barn._ Ha, ha! yes I think this will do. Sirrah, _Colin_, you may now let in all the world; the more the better.

_Colin._ Yes, Sir----Ods-flesh! we shall break all the inns in the country----For we have a brave handsome landlady, and a curious young lass to her daughter----O, here comes my young measter----We'll make him chamberlain----ha, ha----

_Enter ~Dorant~._

Mr. _Barn._ What's the matter, son? How comes it that you are all alone? You used to do me the favour to bring some of your friends along with ye.

_Dor._ Sir, there are some of 'em coming; I only rid before, to beg you to give them a favourable reception.

Mr. _Barn._ Ay why not? it is both for your honour and mine; you shall be master.

_Dor._ Sir, we have now an opportunity of making all the gentlemen in the country our friends.

Mr _Barn._ I'm glad on't with all my heart; pray how so?

_Dor._ There's an old quarrel to be made up between two families, and all the company are to meet at our house.

Mr. _Barn._ Ay, with all my heart; but pray, what is the quarrel?

_Dor._ O, Sir, a very ancient quarrel; It happened between their great grandfathers about a duck.

Mr. _Barn._ A quarrel of consequence truly.

_Dor._ And 'twill be a great honour to us, if this shou'd be accommodated at our house.

Mr. _Barn._ Without doubt.

_Dor._ Dear Sir, you astonish me with this goodness; how shall I express this obligation? I was afraid, Sir, you would not like it.

Mr. _Barn._ Why so?

_Dor._ I thought, Sir, you did not care for the expence.

Mr. _Barn._ O Lord, I am the most alter'd man in the world from what I was, I'm quite another thing, mun; but how many are there of 'em?

_Dor._ Not above nine or ten of a side, Sir.

Mr. _Barn._ O, we shall dispose of them easily enough.

_Dor._ Some of 'em will be here present'y, the rest I don't expect 'till to-morrow morning.

Mr. _Barn._ I hope they're good companions, jolly fellows, that love to eat and drink well.

_Dor._ The merriest, best-natur'd creatures in the world, Sir.

Mr. _Barn._ I'm very glad on't, for 'tis such men I want. Come, brother, you and I will go and prepare for their reception.

[_Exeunt Mr. ~Barnard~ and his brother._

_Dor._ Bless me, what an alteration is here! How my father's temper is chang'd within these two or three days! Do you know the meaning of it?

_Col._ Why the meaning on't is, ha, ha----

_Dor._ Can you tell me the cause of this sudden change, I say?

_Col._ Why the cause on't is, ha, ha.----

_Dor._ What do you laugh at, sirrah? do you know?

_Col._ Ha----because the old gentleman's a drole, that's all.

_Dor._ Sirrah, if I take the cudgel----

_Col._ Nay, Sir, don't be angry for a little harmless mirth----But here are your friends.

+SCENE+ VIII.

_Enter three gentlemen._

_Dor._ Gentlemen you are welcome to _Pasty-Hall_; see that these gentlemens horses are taken care of.

_1 Gen._ A very fine dwelling this.

_Dor._ Yes, the house is tolerable.

_2 Gen._ And a very fine lordship belongs to it.

_Dor._ The land is good.

_3 Gen._ This house ought to have been mine, for my grandfather sold it to his father, from whom your father purchased it.

_Dor._ Yes, the house has gone thro' a great many hands.

_1 Gen._ A sign there has always been good house-keeping in it.

_Dor._ And I hope there ever will.

_Enter Mr. ~Barnard~, and ~Griffard~, drest like drawers._

Mr. _Barn._ Gentlemen, do you call? will you please to see a room, gentlemen? somebody take off the gentlemens boots there?

_Dor._ Father! uncle! what is the meaning of this?

Mr. _Barn._ Here, shew a room----or will you please to walk into the kitchen first, gentlemen, and see what you like for dinner.

_1 Gen._ Make no preparations, Sir, your own dinner is sufficient.

Mr. _Barn._ Very well, I understand ye; let's see, how many are there of ye? [_Tells 'em._] One, two, three, four: well, gentlemen, 'tis but half a crown a-piece for yourselves, and sixpence a-head for your servants; your dinner shall be ready in half an hour; here, shew the gentlemen into the _Apollo_.

_2 Gen._ What, Sir, does your father keep an inn?

Mr. _Barn._ The _Sword Royal_; at your service, Sir.

_Dor._ But father let me speak to you; would you disgrace me?

Mr. _Barn._ My wine is very good, gentlemen, but to be very plain with ye, it is dear.

_Dor._ O, I shall run distracted.

Mr. _Barn._ You seem not to like my house, gentlemen; you may try all the inns in the county, and not be better entertained; but I own my bills run high.

_Dor._ Gentlemen, let me beg the favour of ye.

_1 Gen._ Ay, my young _'Squire ~of the~ Sword Royal'_, you shall receive some favours from us.

_Dor._ Dear Monsieur _le Guarantiere_.

_1 Gen._ Here, my horse there.

_Dor._ Monsieur _la Rose_.

_2 Gen._ Damn ye, ye prig.

_Dor._ Monsieur _Trofignac_.

_3 Gen._ Go to the devil.

[_Exeunt Gentlemen._

_Dor._ O, I'm disgrac'd for ever.

Mr. _Barn._ Now, son, this will teach you how to live.

_Dor._ Your son? I deny the kindred; I'm the son of a whore, and I'll burn your house about your ears, you old rogue you.

[_Exit._

Mr. _Barn._ Ha, ha----

_Griff._ The young gentleman's in a passion.

Mr. _Barn._ They're all gone for all that, and the _Sword Royal_'s the best general in Christendom.

_Enter ~Erastus~'s servant, talking with ~Lisetta~._

_Lis._ What, that tall gentleman I saw in the garden with ye?

_Serv._ The same, he's my master's uncle, and ranger of the king's forests----He intends to leave my master all he has.

Mr. _Barn._ Don't I know this scoundrel? What, is his master here? What do you do here, rascal?

_Serv._ I was asking which must be my master's chamber.

Mr. _Barn._ Where is your master?

_Serv._ Above stairs with your wife and daughter; and I want to know where he's to lie that I may put up his things.

Mr. _Barn._ Do you so, rascal?

_Serv._ A very handsome inn this--Here, drawer, fetch me a pint of wine.

Mr. _Barn._ Take that, rascal, do you banter us?

[_Kicks him out._

_Enter Mrs. ~Barnard~._

Mrs. _Barn._ What is the meaning of this, husband? Are not you asham'd to turn your house into an inn----and is this a dress for my spouse, and a man of your character?

Mr. _Barn._ I'd rather wear this dress than be ruin'd.

Mrs. _Barn._ You're nearer being so than you imagine: for there are some persons within, who have it in their power to punish you for your ridiculous folly.

_Enter ~Erastus~, leading in ~Mariamne~._

Mr. _Barn._ How, Sir, what means this? who sent you here?

_Er._ It was the luckiest star in your firmament that sent me here.

Mr. _Barn._ Then I doubt, at my birth, the planets were but in a scurvy disposition.

_Er._ Killing one of the king's stags, that run hither for refuge, is enough to overturn a fortune much better established than yours----However, Sir, if you will consent to give me your daughter, for her sake I will bear you harmless.

Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, no man shall have my daughter, that won't take my house too.

_Er._ Sir, I will take your house; pay you the full value of it, and you shall remain as much master of it as ever.

Mr. _Barn._ No, Sir, that won't do neither; you must be master yourself, and from this minute begin to do the honours of it in your own person.

_Er._ Sir, I readily consent.

Mr. _Barn._ Upon that condition, and in order to get rid of my house, here, take my daughter----And now, Sir, if you think you've a hard bargain, I don't care if I toss you in my wife to make you amends.

_Well then, since all things thus are fairly sped,
My ~Son~ in anger, and my ~Daughter~ wed;
My ~House~ dispos'd of, the sole cause of strife, }
I now may hope to lead a happy life, }
If I can part with my ~Engaging Wife~._ }

A

=Journey= to =London=.

Being Part of a

COMEDY.

Written by

Sir =John Vanbrugh=.

Dramatis Personæ.

MEN.

Sir _Francis Headpiece_, a country gentleman.

Lord _Loverule_.

Sir _Charles_.

Uncle _Richard_, uncle to Sir _Francis_.

Squire _Humphry_, son to Sir _Francis_.

Colonel _Courtly_.

_John Moody_, servant to Sir _Francis_.

_James_, servant to uncle _Richard_.

WOMEN.

Lady _Headpiece_.

Miss _Betty_, her daughter.

Lady _Arabella_, wife to Lord _Loverule_.

_Clarinda_, a young unmarried lady.

Mrs. _Motherly_, one that lets lodgings.

_Martilla_, her niece.

A

=Journey= _to_ =London=.

+ACT+ I. +SCENE+ I.

+SCENE+ _Uncle_ Richard's _House_.

_Uncle ~Richard~ solus._

What prudent cares does this deep foreseeing nation take, for the support of its worshipful families! In order to which, and that they may not fail to be always significant and useful in their country, it is a settled foundation-point that every child that is born shall be a beggar----except one; and that he----shall be a fool----My grandfather was bred a fool, as the country report: my father was a fool,----as my mother used to say; my brother was a fool, to my own knowledge, though a great justice of the peace; and he has left a son, that will make his son a fool, or I am mistaken. The lad is now fourteen years old, and but just out of his Psalter. As to his honour'd father, my much esteem'd nephew, here I have him. [_Shewing a letter._] In this proprofound epistle (which I have just now received) there is the top and bottom of him. Forty years and two is the age of him; in which it is computed by his butler, his own person has drank two and thirty ton of ale. The rest of his time has been employed in persecuting all the poor four-legg'd creatures round, that wou'd but run away fast enough from him, to give him the high-mettled pleasure of running after them. In this noble employ he has broke his right arm, his left leg, and both his collar-bones----Once he broke his neck, but that did him no harm: A nimble hedge leaper, a brother of the stirrup that was by, whipt off his horse and mended it. His estate being left him with two jointures, and three weighty mortgages upon it, he to make all easy, and pay his brother's and sister's portions, married a profuse young housewife for love, with never a penny of money. Having done all this, like his brave ancestors, for the support of the family, he now finds children and interest money make such a bawling about his ears, that he has taken the friendly advice of his neighbour, the good Lord _Courtlove_, to run his estate two thousand pounds more in debt, that he may retrieve his affairs by being a parliament-man, and bringing his wife to _London_, to play off an hundred pounds at dice with ladies of quality, before breakfast.

But let me read this wiseacre's letter once over again.

Most Honoured Uncle,

_I do not doubt but you have much rejoiced at my success, in my election; it has cost me some money, I own: but what of all that! I am a parliament-man, and that will set all to rights. I have lived in the country all my days, 'tis true; but what then! I have made speeches at the sessions, and in the vestry too, and can elsewhere perhaps, as well as some others that do; and I have a noble friend hard by, who has let me into some small knowledge of what's what at ~Westminster~. And so that I may always be at hand to serve my country, I have consulted with my wife, about taking a house at ~London~, and bringing her and my family up to town; which, her opinion is, will be the rightest thing in the world._

My wife's opinion about bringing her to _London_! I'll read no more of thee----Beast.

[_Strikes the letter down with his stick._

_Enter ~James~ hastily._

_James._ Sir, Sir, do you hear the news? they are all a-coming.

Unc. _Rich._ Ay, sirrah, I hear it with a pox to it.

_James._ Sir, here's _John Moody_ arriv'd already; he's stumping about the streets in his dirty boots, and asking every man he meets, if they can tell where he may have a good lodging for a parliament-man, 'till he can hire such a house as becomes him; he tells them his lady and all the family are coming too, and that they are so nobly attended, they care not a fig for any body. Sir, they have added two cart-horses to the four old geldings, because my lady will have it said, she came to town in her coach and six, and (ha, ha,) heavy _George_ the plowman rides postillion.

Unc. _Rich._ Very well; the journey begins as it shou'd do----_James_.

_James._ Sir.

Unc. _Rich._ Dost know whether they bring all the children with them?

_James._ Only 'Squire _Humphry_, and Miss _Betty_, Sir; the other six are put to board at half a crown a week a head, with _Joan Growse_, at _Smoke-Dunghill_ farm.

Unc. _Rich._ The Lord have mercy upon all good folks! what work will these people make! dost know when they'll be here?

_James._ _John_ says, Sir, they'd have been here last night, but that the old wheezy-belly horse tir'd, and the two fore-wheels came crash down at once in _Waggonrut_-lane. Sir, they were cruelly loaden, as I understand; my lady herself, he says, laid on four mail trunks, besides the great deal-box, which fat _Tom_ sat upon behind.

Unc. _Rich._ Soh!

_James._ Then within the coach there was Sir _Francis_, my Lady, and the great fat lap-dog, 'Squire _Humphry_, Miss _Betty_, my Lady's maid Mrs. Handy, and _Doll Tripe_ the cook; but she puked with sitting backward, so they mounted her into the coach-box.

Unc. _Rich._ Very well.

_James._ Then, Sir, for fear of a famine, before they should get to the baiting-place, there was such baskets of plumb-cake, Dutch-gingerbread, Cheshire-cheese, Naples-biscuits, Macaroons, Neats-tongues, and cold boil'd beef----and in case of sickness, such bottles of usquebaugh, black cherry-brandy, cinamon-water, sack, tent, and strong beer, as made the old coach crack again.

Unc. _Rich._ Well said!

_James._ And for defence of this good cheer, and my Lady's little pearl necklace, there was the family basket-hilt sword, the great Turkish cimiter, the old blunderbuss, a good bag of bullets, and a great horn of gunpowder.

Unc. _Rich._ Admirable!