Chapter XII: Prologue: , (3)

_Man._ If you please to give me leave, my Lord----the fact is thus.--This inclos'd letter to Lady _Grace_ was a real original one, written by this girl, to the Count we have been talking of: the Count drops it, and my Lady _Wronghead_ finds it: then only changing the cover, she seals it up as a letter of business, just written by herself, to me: and pretending to be in a hurry, gets this innocent girl to write the direction, for her.

Lord _Town._ Oh! then the girl did not know she was superscribing a billet-doux of her own to you?

_Man._ No, my Lord; for when I first question'd her about the direction, she own'd it immediately: but when I shew'd her that the letter to the Count was within it, and told her how it came into my hands, the poor creature was amazed and thought herself betray'd both by the Count and my Lady----in short, upon this discovery the girl and I grew so gracious, that she has let me into some transactions, in my Lady _Wronghead_'s family, which, with my having a careful eye over them, may prevent the ruin of it.

Lord _Town._ You are very generous to be so solicitous for a Lady that has given you so much uneasiness.

_Man._ But I will be most unmercifully reveng'd of her: for I will do her the greatest friendship in the world----against her will.

Lord _Town._ What an uncommon philosophy art thou master of? to make even thy malice a virtue?

_Man._ Yet, my Lord, I assure you, there is no one action of my life gives me more pleasure than your approbation of it.

Lord _Town._ Dear _Charles_! my heart's impatient, 'till thou art nearer to me: and as a proof that I have long wished thee so: while your daily conduct has chosen rather to deserve than ask my sister's favour; I have been as secretly industrious to make her sensible of your merit: and since on this occasion you have open'd your whole heart to me, 'tis now with equal pleasure, I assure you, we have both succeeded----she is as firmly yours----

_Man._ Impossible! you flatter me!

Lord _Town._ I am glad you think it flattery: but she herself shall prove it none: she dines with us alone: when the servants are withdrawn, I'll open a conversation, that shall excuse my leaving you together--_O! Charles!_ had I, like thee, been cautious in my choice, what melancholy hours had this heart avoided!

_Man._ No more of that, I beg, my Lord----

Lord _Town._ But 'twill, at least, be some relief to my anxiety (however barren of content the state has been to me) to see so near a friend and sister happy in it: your harmony of life will be an instance how much the choice of temper is preferable to beauty.

While your soft hours in mutual kindness move,
You'll reach by virtue what I lost by love.

[_Exeunt._

+ACT+ IV. +SCENE+ I.

+SCENE+, _Mrs._ Motherly's _House_.

_Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~, meeting ~Myrtilla~._

_Moth._ So, niece! where is it possible you can have been these six hours?

_Myr._ O! Madam! I have such a terrible story to tell you!

_Moth._ A story! ods my life! what have you done with the Count's note of five hundred pounds I sent you about? is it safe? is it good? is it security?

_Myr._ Yes, yes, it is safe: but for its goodness----mercy on us! I have been in a fair way to be hang'd about it.

_Moth._ The dickens! has the rogue of a Count play'd us another trick then?

_Myr._ You shall hear, Madam; when I came to Mr. _Cash_, the Banker's, and shewed him his note for five hundred pounds, payable to the Count, or order, in two months--he looked earnestly upon it, and desired me to step into the inner room, while he examined his books----after I had staid about ten minutes, he came in to me----claps to the door, and charges me with a constable for forgery.

_Moth._ Ah poor soul! and how didst thou get off?

_Myr._ While I was ready to sink in this condition, I begg'd him to have a little patience, 'till I could send for Mr. _Manly_, whom he knew to be a gentleman of worth and honour, and who, I was sure, would convince him, whatever fraud might be in the note, that I was myself an innocent abus'd woman----and as good luck would have it, in less than half an hour Mr. _Manly_ came----so, without mincing the matter, I fairly told him upon what design the Count had lodg'd that note in your hands, and in short, laid open the whole scheme he had drawn us into, to make our fortune.

_Moth._ The devil you did!

_Myr._ Why how do you think it was possible I could any otherwise make Mr. _Manly_ my friend, to help me out of the scrape I was in? To conclude, he soon made Mr. _Cash_ easy, and sent away the Constable; nay farther promis'd me, if I would trust the note in his hands, he would take care it should be be fully paid before it was due, and at the same time would give me an ample revenge upon the Count; so that all you have to consider now, Madam, is, whether you think yourself safer in the Count's hands, or Mr. _Manly_'s.

_Moth._ Nay, nay, child; there is no choice in the matter! Mr. _Manly_ may be a friend indeed, if any thing in our power can make him so.

_Myr._ Well, madam, and now pray how stand matters at home here? What has the Count done with the ladies?

_Moth._ Why every thing he has a mind to do, by this time, I suppose. He is in as high favour with Miss, as he is with my Lady.

_Myr._ Pray, where are the ladies?

_Moth._ Rattling abroad in their own coach, and the well-bred Count along with them: they have been scouring all the shops in town over, buying fine things and new clothes from morning to night: they have made one voyage already, and have brought home such a cargo of bawbles and trumpery----mercy on the poor man that's to pay for them!

_Myr._ Did not the young Squire go with them!

_Moth._ No, no; Miss said, truly he would but disgrace their party: so they even left him asleep by the kitchen fire.

_Myr._ Has he not asked after me all this while? for I had a sort of an assignation with him.

_Moth._ O yes! he has been in a bitter taking about it. At last his disappointment grew so uneasy, that he fairly fell a crying; so to quiet him, I sent one of the maids and _John Moody_ abroad with him to shew him----the lions and the Monument. Ods me! there he is, just come home again----you may have business with him----so I'll even turn you together.

_Enter Squire ~Richard~._

Squ. _Rich._ Soah! soah! Mrs. _Myrtilla_, where han yow been aw this day, forsooth?

_Myr._ Nay, if you go to that, Squire, where have you been, pray?

Squ. _Rich._ Rich. Why, when I fun' at yow were no loikly to come whoam, I were ready to hong my sel----so _John Moody_, and I, and one o' your lasses have been----Lord knows where----a seeing o' the soights.

_Myr._ Well and pray what have you seen, Sir?

Squ. _Rich._ Flesh! I cawnt tell, not I----seen every thing I think. First there we went o' top o' the what d'ye call it? there, the great huge stone post, up the rawnd and rawnd stairs, that twine and twine about, just an as thof it were a cork screw.

_Myr._ O, the Monument! well, and was it not a fine sight from the top of it?

Squ. _Rich._ Sight, Miss! I know no'--I saw nowght but smoak and brick housen, and steeple tops----then there was such a mortal ting-tang of bells, and rumbling of carts and coaches, and then the folks under one look'd so small, and made such a hum, and a buz, it put me in mind of my mother's great glass bee-hive in our garden in the country.

_Myr._ I think, Master, you give a very good account of it.

Squ. _Rich._ Ay! but I did no like it: for my head--my head--began to turn----so I trundled me dawn stairs ugain like a round trencher.

_Myr._ Well! but this was not all you saw, I suppose?

Squ. _Rich._ Noa! noa! we went after that and saw the lions, and I lik'd them better by hawlf; they are pure grim devils; hoh, hoh! I touke a stick, and gave one of them such a poke o' the noase----I believe he would ha' snapt my head off, an he could ha' got me. Hoh! hoh! hoh!

_Myr._ Well, Master, when you and I go abroad, I'll shew you prettier sights than these----there's a masquerade to-morrow.

Squ. _Rich._ O laud! ay! they say that's a pure thing for _Merry Andrews_, and those sort of comical mummers----and the Count tells me, that there lads and lasses may jig their tails, and eat, and drink, without grudging, all night-lung.

_Myr._ What would you say now, if I should get you a ticket and go along with you?

Squ. _Rich._ Ah dear!

_Myr._ But have a care, Squire, the fine ladies there are terribly tempting; look well to your heart, or ads me! they'll whip it up in the trip of a minute.

Squ. _Rich._ Ay, but they can't thoa----soa let 'um look to themselves, an' ony of 'um falls in love with me--mayhap they had as good be quiet.

_Myr._ Why sure you would not refuse a fine lady, would you?

Squ. _Rich._ Ay, but I would tho' unless it were--one at I know of.

_Myr._ Oh! oh! then you have left your heart in the country, I find?

Squ. _Rich._ Noa, noa, my heart----eh----my heart e'nt awt o' this room.

_Myr._ I am glad you have it about you, however.

Squ. _Rich._ Nay, mahap not soa neather, somebody else may have it, 'at you little think of.

_Myr._ I can't imagine what you mean!

Squ. _Rich._ Noa! why doan't you know how many folks there is in this room, naw?

_Myr._ Very fine, Master, I see you have learnt the town gallantry already.

Squ. _Rich._ Why doan't you believe 'at I have a kindness for you then?

_Myr._ Fy! fy! Master, how you talk! beside you are too young to think of a wife. Squ. _Rich._ Ay but I caunt help thinking o' yow, for all that.

_Myr._ How! why sure, Sir, you don't pretend to think of me in a dishonourable way?

Squ. _Rich._ Nay, that's as you see good----I did no' think 'at you would ha' thowght of me for a husband, mayhap; unless I had means in my own hands; and feyther allows me but half a crown a week, as yet a while.

_Myr._ Oh! when I like any body, 'tis not want of money will make me refuse them.

Squ. _Rich._ Well, that's just my mind now; for 'an I like a girl, Miss, I would take her in her smuck.

_Myr._ Ay, Master, now you speak like a man of honour: this shews something of a true heart in you.

Squ. _Rich._ Ay, and a true heart you'll find me; try me when you will.

_Myr._ Hush! hush! here's your papa come home, and my aunt with him.

Squ. _Rich._ A devil rive 'em, what do they come naw for?

_Myr._ When you and I get to the masquerade, you shall see what I'll say to you.

Squ. _Rich._ Well, hands upon't then----

_Myr._ There----

Squ. _Rich._ One buss and a bargain.

[_Kisses her._

Ads wauntlikins! as soft and plump as a marrow-pudding.

[_Exeunt severally._

_Enter Sir ~Francis Wronghead~ and Mrs. ~Motherly~._

Sir _Fran._ What! my wife and daughter abroad say you?

_Moth._ O dear Sir, they have been mighty busy all the day long; they just came home to snap up a short dinner, and so went out again.

Sir _Fran._ Well, well, I shan't stay supper for 'em, I can tell 'em that: For ods-heart! I have had nothing in me, but a toast and a tankard, since morning.

_Moth._ I am afraid, Sir, these late Parliament hours won't agree with you.

Sir _Fran._ Why, truly, Mrs. _Motherly_, they don't do right with us country gentlemen; to lose one meal out of three, is a hard tax upon a good stomach.

_Moth._ It is so indeed, Sir.

Sir _Fran._ But, hawsomever, Mrs. _Motherly_, when we consider, that what we suffer is for the good of our country----

_Moth._ Why truly, Sir, that is something.

Sir _Fran._ Oh! there's a great deal to be said for't--the good of one's country is above all things----A true hearted _Englishman_ thinks nothing too much for it----I have heard of some honest gentlemen so very zealous, that for the good of their country----they would sometimes go to dinner at midnight.

_Moth._ O! the goodness of 'em! sure their country must have vast esteem for them?

Sir _Fran._ So they have Mrs. _Motherly_; they are so respected when they come home to their Boroughs, after a session, and so belov'd----that their country will come and dine with them every day in the week.

_Moth._ Dear me! what a fine thing it is to be so populous?

Sir _Fran._ It is a great comfort, indeed! and I can assure you you are a good sensible woman, Mrs. _Motherly_.

_Moth._ O dear Sir, your Honour's pleas'd to compliment.

Sir _Fran._ No, no, I see you know how to value people of consequence.

_Moth._ Good lack! here's company, Sir; will you give me leave to get you a little something 'till the ladies come home, Sir?

Sir _Fran._ Why troth, I don't think it would be amiss.

_Moth._ It shall be done in a moment, Sir.

[_Exit._

_Enter Mr. ~Manly~._

_Man._ Sir _Francis_, your servant.

Sir _Fran._ Cousin _Manly_!

_Man._ I am come to see how the family goes on here.

Sir _Fran._ Troth! all as busy as bees; I have been upon the wing ever since eight o'clock this morning.

_Man._ By your early hour, then, I suppose you have been making your court to some of the great men.

Sir _Fran._ Why, faith! you have hit it, Sir----I was advised to lose no time: so I e'en went straight forward, to one great man I had never seen in my life before.

_Man._ Right! that was doing business: but who had you got to introduce you?

Sir _Fran._ Why, no body----I remember'd I had heard a wise man say--My son be bold--so troth! I introduced myself.

_Man._ As how, pray?

Sir _Fran._ Why, thus----look ye----please your Lordship, says I, I am Sir _Francis Wronghead_ of _Bumper-hall_, and member of Parliament for the borough of _Guzzledown_----Sir, your humble servant, says my Lord; thof I have not the honour to know your person, I have heard you are a very honest gentleman, and am glad your Borough has made choice of so worthy a representative; and so, says he, Sir _Francis_, have you any service to command me? Naw, cousin! those last words, you may be sure gave me no small encouragement. And thof I know, Sir, you have no extraordinary opinion of my parts, yet I believe, you won't say I mist it naw!

_Man._ Well, I hope I shall have no cause.

Sir _Fran._ So when I found him so courteous----My Lord, says I, I did not think to ha' troubled your Lordship with business upon my first visit: but since your Lordship is pleas'd not to stand upon ceremony----why truly, says I, I think naw is as good as another time.

_Man._ Right! there you push'd him home.

Sir _Fran._ Ay, ay, I had a mind to let him see that I was none of your mealy-mouth'd ones.

_Man._ Very good!

Sir _Fran._ So in short, my Lord, says I, I have a good estate----but----a----it's a little awt at elbows: and as I desire to serve my King, as well as my country, I shall be very willing to accept of a place at Court.

_Man._ So, this was making short work on't.

Sir _Fran._ I'cod! I shot him flying, cousin: some of your hawf-witted ones naw, would ha' humm'd and haw'd, and dangled a month or two after him, before they durst open their mouths about a place, and mayhap, not ha' got it at last neither.

_Man._ Oh! I'm glad you're so sure on't----

Sir _Fran._ You shall hear, cousin----Sir _Francis_, says my Lord, pray what sort of a place may you ha' turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, says I, beggars must not be chusers; but ony a place, says I, about a thousand a year, will be well enough to be doing with 'till something better falls in--for I thowght it would not look well to stond haggling with him at first.

_Man._ No, no, your business was to get footing any way.

Sir _Fran._ Right! there's it! ay, cousin, I see you know the world!

_Man._ Yes, yes, one sees more of it every day----well! but what said my Lord to all this?

Sir _Fran._ Sir _Francis_, says he, I shall be glad to serve you any way that lies in my power; so gave me a squeeze by the hond, as much as to say, give yourself no trouble----I'll do your business; with that he turn'd him abawt to somebody with a coloured ribbon across here, that look'd in my thowghts, as if he came for a place too.

_Man._ Ha! so, upon these hopes, you are to make your fortune!

Sir _Fran._ Why, do you think there's ony doubt of it, Sir?

_Man._ Oh no, I have not the least doubt about it----for just as you have done, I made my fortune ten years ago.

Sir _Fran._ Why, I never knew you had a place, cousin.

_Man._ Nor I neither, upon my faith, cousin. But you perhaps may have better fortune: for I suppose my Lord has heard of what importance you were in the debate to-day----You have been since down at the house, I presume?

Sir _Fran._ O yes! I would not neglect the house, for ever so much.

_Man._ Well, and pray what have they done there?

Sir _Fran._ Why, troth! I can't well tell you, what they have done, but I can tell you what I did: and I think pretty well in the main; only I happened to make a little mistake at last indeed.

_Man._ How was that?

Sir _Fran._ Why, they were all got there, into a sort of a puzzling debate, about the good of the nation----and I were always for that, you know----but in short, the arguments were so long winded o' both sides, that, waunds! I did no well understand 'em, hawsomever, I was convinc'd, and so resolved to vote right, according to my conscience----so when they came to put the question, as they call it,----I don't know haw 'twas----but I doubt I cry'd ay! when I should ha' cry'd no!

_Man._ How came that about?

Sir _Fran._ Why, by a mistake, as I tell you----for there was a good-humour'd sort of a gentleman, one Mr. _Totherside_ I think they call him, that sat next me, as soon as I had cry'd ay! gives me a hearty shake by the hand! Sir says he, you are a man of honour, and a true _Englishman_! and I should be proud to be better acquainted with you----and so with that, he takes me by the sleeve, along with the crowd into the lobby, so, I knew nowght----but ods-flesh! I was got o' the wrung side the post--for I were told, afterwards, I should have staid where I was.

_Man._ And so, if you had not quite made your fortune before, you have clench'd it now!----Ah! thou head of the _Wrongheads_.

Sir _Fran._ Odso! here's my lady come home at last----I hope, cousin, you will be so kind, as to take a family supper with us?

_Man._ Another time, Sir _Francis_; but to-night I am engaged!

_Enter Lady ~Wronghead~, Miss ~Jenny~, and Count ~Basset~._

Lady _Wrong._ Cousin! your servant; I hope you will pardon my rudeness: but we have really been in such a continual hurry here, that we have not had a leisure moment to return your last visit.

_Man._ O Madam! I am a man of no ceremony; you see that has not hindered my coming again.

Lady _Wrong._ You are infinitely obliging; but I'll redeem my credit with you.

_Man._ At your own time, Madam.

Count _Bas._ I must say that for Mr. _Manly_, madam; if making people easy is the rule of good-breeding, he is certainly the best bred man in the world.

_Man._ Soh! I am not to drop my acquaintance, I find--[_Aside._] I am afraid, Sir, I shall grow vain upon your good opinion.

Count _Bas._ I don't know that, Sir; but I am sure, what you are pleas'd to say, makes me so.

_Man._ The most impudent modesty that ever I met with.

[_Aside._

Lady _Wrong._ Lard! how ready his wit is?

[_Aside._

Sir _Fran._ Don't you think, Sir, the Count's }
a very fine gentleman? }
}
_Man._ O! among the ladies, certainly. }
}
Sir _Fran._ And yet he's as stout as a lion: } _Apart._
waund, he'll storm any thing. }
}
_Man._ Will he so? Why then, Sir, take }
care of your citadel. }
}
Sir _Fran._ Ah! you are wag, cousin. }

_Man._ I hope, Ladies, the town air continues to agree with you?

_Jenny._ O! perfectly well, Sir! We have been abroad in our new coach all day long----and we have bought an ocean of fine things. And to-morrow we go to the masquerade! and on Friday to the play! and on Saturday to the opera! and on Sunday we are to be at what d'ye call it--assembly, and see the ladies play at quadrille, and piquet and ombre, and hazard, and basset, and on _Monday_, we are to see the King! and so on _Tuesday_----

Lady _Wrong._ Hold, hold, Miss! you must not let your tongue run so fast, child----you forgot! you know I brought you hither to learn modesty.

_Man._ Yes, yes! and she is improved with a vengeance--

[_Aside._

_Jenny._ Lawrd! Mama, I am sure I did not say any harm! and if one must not speak in ones turn, one may be kept under as long as one lives, for ought I see.

Lady _Wrong._ O! my conscience, this girl grows so headstrong----

Sir _Fran._ Ay, ay, there's your fine growing spirit for you! Now tack it dawn, an' you can.

_Jenny._ All I said, Papa, was only to entertain my cousin _Manly_.

_Man._ My pretty dear, I am mightily obliged to you.

_Jenny._ Look you there now, Madam.

Lady _Wrong._ Hold your tongue, I say.

_Jenny._ [_Turning away and glowting._] I declare it, I won't bear it: she is always snubbing me before you, Sir!----I know why she does it well enough----

[_Aside to the Count._

Count _Bas._ Hush! hush, my dear! don't be uneasy at that! she'll suspect us.

[_Aside._

_Jenny._ Let her suspect, what do I care----I don't know, but I have as much reason to suspect, as she--tho' perhaps I'm not so afraid of her.

Count _Bas._ [_Aside._] I'gad, if I don't keep a tight hand on my tit here, she'll run away with my project before I can bring it to bear.

Lady _Wrong._ [_Aside._] Perpetually hanging upon him! The young harlot is certainly in love with him; but I must not let them see I think so----and yet I can't bear it: Upon my life, Count, you'll spoil that forward girl----you should not encourage her so.

Count _Bas._ Pardon me, Madam, I was only advising her to observe what your Ladyship said to her.

_Man._ Yes, truly, her observations have been something particular.

[_Aside._

Count _Bas._ In one word, Madam, she has a }
jealousy of your Ladyship, and I am forc'd to }
encourage her, to blind it; 'twill be better to }
take no notice of her behaviour to me. }
}
Lady _Wrong._ You are right, I will be more }
cautious. } _Apart._
}
Count _Bas._ To-morrow at the masquerade, }
we may lose her. }
}
Lady _Wrong._ We shall be observ'd. I'll send }
you a note, and settle that affair----go on }
with the girl, and don't mind me. }

Count _Bas._ I have been taking your part, my little angel.

Lady _Wrong._ _Jenny_! come hither, child----you must not be so hasty my dear----I only advise you for your good.

_Jenny._ Yes, Mama; but when I am told of a thing before company it always makes me worse, you know.

_Man._ If I have any skill in the fair sex; Miss, and her Mama, have only quarrel'd, because they are both of a mind. This facetious Count seems to have made a very genteel step into the family.

[_Aside._

_Enter ~Myrtilla~._ [_~Manly~ talks apart with her._]

Lady _Wrong._ Well, Sir _Francis_, and what news have you brought us from _Westminster_, to-day?

Sir _Fran._ News, Madam? I'cod! I have some----and such as does not come every day, I can tell you----a word in your ear----I have got a promise of a place at Court of a thousand pawnd a year already.

Lady _Wrong._ Have you so, Sir? And pray who may you thank for't? Now! who is in the right? Is not this better than throwing so much away, after a stinking pack of fox-hounds, in the country? Now your family may be the better for it!

Sir _Fran._ Nay! that's what persuaded me to come up, my Dove.

Lady _Wrong._ Mighty well--come----let me have another hundred pound then.

Sir _Fran._ Another! child? Waunds! you have had one hundred this morning, pray what's become of that, my dear?

Lady _Wrong._ What's become of it? why I'll shew you, my Love! Jenny! have you the bills about you?

_Jenny._ Yes, Mama.

Lady _Wrong._ What's become of it? Why laid out, my dear, with fifty more to it, that I was forced to borrow of the Count here.

_Jenny._ Yes, indeed, Papa, and that would hardly do neither--There's th' account.

Sir _Fran._ [_Turning over the bills._] Let's see! let's see! what the devil have we got here?

_Man._ Then you have sounded your aunt you }
say, and she readily comes into all I propos'd }
to you? }
}
_Myr._ Sir, I'll answer, with my life, she is }
most thankfully yours in every article: she }
mightily desires to see you, Sir. } _Apart._
}
_Man._ I am going home directly; bring }
her to my house in half an hour; and if she }
makes good what you tell me, you shall both }
find your account in it. }
}
_Myr._ She shall not fail you. }

Sir _Fran._ Ods-life, Madam, here's nothing but toys and trinkets, and fans, and clock stockings, by whole-sale.

Lady _Wrong._ There's nothing but what's proper, and for your credit, Sir _Francis_----Nay you see I am so good a housewife, that in necessaries for myself I have scarce laid out a shilling.

Sir _Fran._ No, by my troth, so it seems; for the devil o' one thing's here, that I can see you have any occasion for!

Lady _Wrong._ My dear! do you think I came hither to live out of the fashion? why, the greatest distinction of a fine lady in this town is in the variety of pretty things she has no occasion for.

_Jenny._ Sure, Papa, could you imagine, that women of quality wanted nothing but stays and petticoats?

Lady _Wrong._ Now, that is so like him!

_Man._ So! the family comes on finely.

[_Aside._

Lady _Wrong._ Lard, if men were always to govern, what dowdies would they reduce their wives to!

Sir _Fran._ An hundred pound in the morning, and want another before night! waunds and fire! the Lord Mayor of London could not hold it at this rate!

_Man._ O! do you feel it, Sir?

[_Aside._

Lady _Wrong._ My dear, you seem uneasy; let me have the hundred pound, and compose yourself.

Sir _Fran._ Compose the devil, Madam! why do you consider what a hundred pound a day comes to in a year?

Lady _Wrong._ My life, if I account with you from one day to another, that's really all my head is able to bear at a time----But I'll tell you what I consider----I consider that my advice has got you a thousand pound a year this morning----That now methinks you might consider, Sir.

Sir _Fran._ A thousand a year? wounds, madam, but I have not touch'd a penny of it yet!

_Man._ Nor ever will, I'll answer for him.

[_Aside._

_Enter Squire ~Richard~._

Squ. _Rich._ Feyther an you doan't come quickly, the meat will be coal'd: and I'd fain pick a bit with you.

Lady _Wrong._ Bless me, Sir _Francis!_ you are not going to sup by yourself!

Sir _Fran._ No, but I am going to dine by myself, and that's pretty near the matter, Madam.

Lady _Wrong._ Had not you as good stay a little, my dear? we shall all eat in half an hour; and I was thinking to ask my cousin _Manly_ to take a family morsel with us.

Sir _Fran._ Nay, for my cousin's good company, I don't care if I ride a day's journey without baiting.

_Man._ By no means, Sir _Francis_. I am going upon a little business.

Sir _Fran._ Well, Sir, I know you don't love compliments.

_Man._ You'll excuse me, Madam----

Lady _Wrong._ Since you have business, Sir----

[_Exit ~Manly~._

_Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~._

O, Mrs. _Motherly_! you were saying this morning, you had some very fine lace to shew me----can't I see it now?

[_Sir ~Francis~ stares._

_Moth._ Why, really Madam, I had made a sort of a promise to let the Countess of _Nicely_ have the first sight of it for the birth-day: but your Ladyship----

Lady _Wrong._ O! I die if I don't see it before her.

Squ. _Rich._ Woan't you goa; Feyther? }
}
Sir _Fran._ Waunds! lad, I shall ha' noa } _Apart._
stomach at this rate! }

_Moth._ Well, Madam, though I say it, 'tis the sweetest pattern that ever came over----and for fineness----no cobweb comes up to it!

Sir _Fran._ Ods guts and gizard, Madam! lace as fine as a cobweb! why, what the devil's that to cost now?

_Moth._ Nay, Sir _Francis_ does not like of it, Madam----

Lady _Wrong._ He like it! dear Mrs. Motherly, he is not to wear it.

Sir _Fran._ Flesh, Madam, but I suppose I am to pay for it.

Lady _Wrong._ No doubt on't! think of your thousand a year, and who got it you, go! eat your dinner, and be thankful, go. [_Driving him to the door._] Come, Mrs. _Motherly_.

[_Exit Lady ~Wronghead~ with Mrs. ~Motherly~._

Sir _Fran._ Very fine! so here I mun fast, 'till I am almost famished for the good of my country; while Madam is laying me out an hundred pounds a day in lace as fine as a cobweb, for the honour of my family! ods-flesh; things had need go well at this rate!

Squ. _Rich._ Nay, nay----come, feyther.

[_Exit Sir ~Francis~._

_Enter Mrs. ~Motherly~._

_Moth._ Madam, my Lady desires you and the Count will please to come and assist her fancy in some of the laces.

Count _Bas._ We'll wait upon her--

[_Exit Mrs. ~Motherly~._

_Jenny._ So! I told you how it was! you see she can't bear to leave us together.

Count _Bas._ No matter, my dear: you know she has ask'd me to stay supper: so when your papa and she are a-bed, Mrs. _Myrtilla_ will let me into the house again; then you may steal into her chamber, and we'll have a pretty sneaker of punch together.

_Myr._ Ay, ay, Madam, you may command me any thing.

_Jenny._ Well! that will be pure!

Count _Bas._ But you had best go to her alone, my life: it will look better if I come after you.

_Jenny._ Ay, so it will: and to-morrow you know at the masquerade. And then!----hey! _Oh, I'll have a husband! ay, marry_, &c.

[_Exit singing._

_Myr._ So, Sir! am not I very _commode_ to you?

Count _Bas._ Well, child, and don't you find your account in it? did not I tell you we might still be of use to one another?

_Myr._ Well, but how stands your affair with Miss, in the main?

Count _Bas._ O she's mad for the masquerade! it drives like a nail, we want nothing now but a parson, to clinch it. Did not your aunt say she could get one at a short warning?

_Myr._ Yes, yes, my Lord _Townly_'s chaplain is her cousin, you know; he'll do your business and mine, at the same time.

Count _Bas._ O! it's true! but where shall we appoint him?

_Myr._ Why, you know my Lady _Townly_'s house is always open to the masques upon a ball-night, before they go to the _Hay-market_.

Count _Bas._ Good.

_Myr._ Now the Doctor purposes, we should all come thither in our habits, and when the rooms are full, we may steal up into his chamber, he says, and there----crack----he'll give us all canonical commission to go to bed together.

Count _Bas._ Admirable! Well, the devil fetch me, if I shall not be heartily glad to see thee well settled, child.

_Myr._ And may the black gentleman tuck me under his arm at the same time, if I shall not think myself oblig'd to you, as long as I live.

Count _Bas._ One kiss for old acquaintance sake----I'gad I shall want to be busy again!

_Myr._ O you'll have one shortly will find you employment: but I must run to my squire.

Count _Bas._ And I to the ladies----so your humble servant, sweet Mrs. _Wronghead_.

_Myr._ Yours, as in duty bound, most noble Count _Basset_.

[_Exit ~Myr~._

Count _Bas._ Why ay! Count! That title has been of some use to me indeed! not that I have any more pretence to it, than I have to a blue ribband. Yet, I have made a pretty considerable figure in life with it: I have loll'd in my own chariot, dealt at assemblies, din'd with Ambassadors, and made one at quadrille, with the first women of quality----But----_Tempora mutantur_----since that damn'd squadron at _White_'s have left me out of their last secret, I am reduced to trade upon my own stock of industry, and make my last push upon a wife: if my card comes up right (which I think can't fail) I shall once more cut a figure, and cock my hat in the face of the best of them! for since our modern men of fortune are grown wise enough to be sharpers: I think sharpers are fools that don't take up the airs of men of quality.

[_Exit._

+ACT+ V. +SCENE+ I.

+SCENE+, _Lord_ Townly's _House_.

_Enter ~Manly~ and Lady ~Grace~._

_Man._ There's something, Madam, hangs upon your mind, to-day: is it unfit to trust me with it?

Lady _Grace._ Since you will know----my sister then----unhappy woman!

_Man._ What of her?

Lady _Grace._ I fear is on the brink of ruin!

_Man._ I am sorry for it----what has happened?

Lady _Grace._ Nothing so very new! but the continual repetition of it, has at last rais'd my brother to an intemperance that I tremble at.

_Man._ Have they had any words upon it?

Lady _Grace._ He has not seen her since yesterday.

_Man._ What, not at home all night!

Lady _Grace._ About five this morning in she came! but with such looks, and such an equipage of misfortunes at her heels----what can become of her?

_Man._ Has not my lord seen her, say you?

Lady _Grace._ No! he chang'd his bed last night----I sat with him alone till twelve, in expectation of her: but when the clock had struck, he started from his chair, and grew incens'd to that degree, that had I not, almost on my knees, dissuaded him, he had ordered the doors that instant to have been locked against her.

_Man._ How terrible is his situation? when the most justifiable severities he can use against her, are liable to be the mirth of all the dissolute card-tables in town!

Lady _Grace._ 'Tis that, I know, has made him bear so long: but you that feel for him, Mr. _Manly_, will assist him to support his honour, and, if possible, preserve his quiet! therefore I beg you don't leave the house, 'till one or both of them can be wrought to better temper.

_Man._ How amiable is this concern, in you!

Lady _Grace._ For heaven's sake don't mind me, but think of something to preserve us all.

_Man._ I shall not take the merit of obeying your commands, Madam, to serve my Lord----but pray, Madam, let me into all that has past, since yesternight.

Lady _Grace._ When my intreaties had prevail'd upon my Lord, not to make a story for the town, by so public a violence, as shutting her at once out of his doors; he order'd the next apartment to my lady's to be made ready for him----while that was doing----I try'd by all the little arts I was mistress of, to amuse him into temper; in short, a silent grief was all I could reduce him to----on this, we took our leaves, and parted to our repose: what his was, I imagine by my own: for I ne'er clos'd my eyes. About five, as I told you, I heard my lady at the door; so I slipt on a gown, and sat almost an hour with her in her own chamber.

_Man._ What said she, when she did not find my Lord there?

Lady _Grace._ O! so far from being shock'd or alarm'd at it; that she blest the occasion! and said that in her condition, the chat of a female friend was far preferable to the best husband's company in the world.

_Man._ Where has she spirits to support so much insensibility?

Lady _Grace._ Nay! it's incredible! for though she had lost every shilling she had in the world, and stretch'd her credit ev'n to breaking; she rallied her own follies with such vivacity, and painted the penance, she knows she must undergo for them, in such ridiculous lights, that had not my concern for a brother been too strong for her wit, she had a'most disarm'd my anger.

_Man._ Her mind may have another cast by this time: the most flagrant dispositions have their hours of anguish; which their pride conceals from company; but pray, Madam, how could she avoid coming down to dine?

Lady _Grace._ O! she took care of that before she went to bed; by ordering her woman, whenever she was ask'd for, to say, she was not well.

_Man._ You have seen her since she was up, I presume?

Lady _Grace._ Up! I question whether she be awake yet.

_Man._ Terrible! What a figure does she make now! That nature should throw away so much beauty upon a creature, to make such a slatternly use of it!

Lady _Grace._ O fy! there is not a more elegant beauty in town, when she's drest.

_Man._ In my eye, Madam, she that's early drest, has ten times her elegance.

Lady _Grace._ But she won't be long now, I believe: for I think I see her chocolate going up----Mrs. _Trusty_,--a hem!

_Mrs. ~Trusty~ comes to the door._

_Man._ [_Aside._] Five o'clock in the afternoon, for a lady of quality's breakfast, is an elegant hour indeed! which to shew her more polite way of living too, I presume, she eats in her bed.

Lady _Grace._ [_To Mrs. ~Trusty~._] And when she is up, I would be glad she would let me come to her toilet--That's all, Mrs. _Trusty_.

_Trusty._ I will be sure to let her ladyship know, Madam.

[_Exit Mrs. ~Trusty~._

_Enter a Servant._

_Serv._ Sir _Francis Wronghead_, Sir, desires to speak with you.

_Man._ He comes unseasonably----what shall I do with him!

Lady _Grace._ O see him by all means, we shall have time enough; in the mean while I'll step in, and have an eye upon my brother. Nay, nay, don't mind me--have business.----

_Man._ You must be obey'd----

[_Retreating while Lady Grace goes out._

Desire _Sir Francis_ to walk in----

[_Exit servant._

I suppose by this time his wise worship begins to find, that the balance of his journey to London is on the wrong side.

_Enter Sir ~Francis~._

Sir _Francis_, your servant; how came I by the favour of this extraordinary visit?

Sir _Fran._ Ah! cousin!

_Man._ Why that sorrowful face, man?

Sir _Fran._ I have no friend alive but you----

_Man._ I am sorry for that----but what's the matter?

Sir _Fran._ I have play'd the fool by this journey, I see now----for my bitter wife----

_Man._ What of her?

Sir _Fran._ Is playing the devil!

_Man._ Why truly, that's a part that most of your fine ladies begin with, as soon as they get to _London_.

Sir _Fran._ If I am a living man, cousin, she has made away with above two hundred and fifty pounds since yesterday morning!

_Man._ Hah! I see a good housewife will do a great deal of work in a little time.

Sir _Fran._ Work do they call it! fine work indeed!

_Man._ Well, but how do you mean made away with it? What, she has laid it out, may be----but I suppose you have an account of it.

Sir _Fran._ Yes, yes, I have had the account indeed; but I mun needs say, it's a very sorry one.

_Man._ Pray, let's hear.

Sir _Fran._ Why, first I let her have an hundred and fifty, to get things handsom about her, to let the world see that I was somebody! and I thought that sum very genteel.

_Man._ Indeed I think so; and in the country, might have serv'd her a twelvemonth.

Sir _Fran._ Why so it might----but here in this fine tawn, forsooth! it could not get through four and twenty hours----for in half that time, it was all squandered away in baubles, and new fashion'd trumpery.

_Man._ O! for ladies in _London_, Sir _Francis_, all this might be necessary.

Sir _Fran._ Noa, theere's the plague on't! the devil o' one useful thing do I see for it, but two pair of lac'd shoes, and those stond me in three pound three shillings a pair too.

_Man._ Dear Sir! this is nothing! Why we have city wives here, that while their good man is selling three penny worth of sugar, will give you twenty pound for a short apron.

Sir _Fran._ Mercy on us! what a mortal poor devil is a husband!

_Man._ Well, but I hope you have nothing else to complain of?

Sir _Fran._ Ah would I could say so too--but there's another hundred behind yet, that goes more to my heart, than all that went before it.

_Man._ And how might that be disposed of?

Sir _Fran._ Troth I am almost ashamed to tell you.

_Man._ Out with it.

Sir _Fran._ Why she has been at an assembly.

_Man._ What, since I saw you! I thought you had all supt at home last night?

Sir _Fran._ Why, so we did----and all as merry as grigs----I'cod! my heart was so open, that I toss'd another hundred into her apron, to go out early this morning with----but the cloth was no sooner taken away, than in comes my Lady _Townly_ here, (----who between you and I----mum! has had the devil to pay yonder----) with another rantipole dame of quality, and out they must have her, they said, to introduce her at my Lady _Noble_'s assembly forsooth----a few words, you may be sure, made the bargain----so, bawnce! and away they drive as if the devil had got into the coach box--so about four or five in the morning----home comes Madam, with her eyes a foot deep in her head----and my poor hundred pound left behind her at the hazard-table.

_Man._ All lost at dice!

Sir _Fran._ Every shilling----among a parcel of pig-tail puppies, and pale fac'd women of quality.

_Man._ But pray, Sir _Francis_, how came you, after you found her so ill an housewife of one sum, so soon to trust her with another?

Sir _Fran._ Why truly I mun say that was partly my own fault: for if I had not been a blab of my tongue, I believe that last hundred might have been sav'd.

_Man._ How so?

Sir _Fran._ Why, like an owl as I was, out of goodwill, forsooth, partly to keep her in humour, I must needs tell her of the thousand pound a year, I had just got the promise of--I'cod! she lays her claws upon it that moment----said it was all owing to her advice, and truly she would have her share on't.

_Man._ What, before you had it yourself?

Sir _Fran._ Why ay! that's what I told her----My dear, said I, mayhap I mayn't receive the first quarter on't this half year.

_Man._ Sir _Francis_, I have heard you with a great deal of patience, and I really feel compassion for you.

Sir _Fran._ Truly and well you may cousin, for I don't see that my wife's goodness is a bit the better, for bringing to _London_.

_Man._ If you remember I gave you a hint of it.

Sir _Fran._ Why ay, it's true you did so: but the devil himself could not have believ'd she would have rid post to him.

_Man._ Sir, if you stay but a fortnight in this town you will every day see hundreds as fast upon the gallop, as she is.

Sir _Fran._ Ah! this _London_ is a base place indeed----waunds, if things should happen to go wrong with me at _Westminster_, at this rate, how the devil shall I keep out of jail!

_Man._ Why truly, there seems to me but one way to avoid it.

Sir _Fran._ Ah! wou'd you could tell me that, cousin.

_Man._ The way lies plain before you, Sir; the same road that brought you hither will carry you safe home again.

Sir _Fran._ Ods-flesh! cousin, what! and leave a thousand pound a year behind me?

_Man._ Pooh! pooh! leave any thing behind you, but your family, and you are a saver by it.

Sir _Fran._ Ay, but consider, cousin, what a scurvy figure I shall make in the country, if I come dawn withawt it!

_Man._ You will make a much more lamentable figure in jail without it.

Sir _Fran._ Mayhap 'at yow have no great opinion of it then, cousin?

_Man._ Sir _Francis_, to do you the service of a real friend, I must speak very plainly to you: you don't yet see half the ruin that's before you.

Sir _Fran._ Good-lack! how may yow mean, cousin?

_Man._ In one word, your whole affairs stand thus----In a week you'll lose your seat at _Westminster_: In a fortnight my lady will run you into jail, by keeping the best company----In four and twenty hours, your daughter will run away with a sharper, because she han't been us'd to better company: and your son will steal into marriage with a cast-mistress, because he has not been us'd to any company at all.

Sir _Fran._ I'th' name of goodness why should you think all this?

_Man._ Because I have proof of it; in short, I know so much of their secrets, that if all this is not prevented to-night, it will be out of your power to do it to-morrow morning.

Sir _Fran._ Mercy upon us! you frighten me----Well, Sir, I will be govern'd by yow: but what am I to do in this case?

_Man._ I have not time here to give you proper instructions; but about eight this evening, I'll call at your lodgings; and there you shall have full conviction, how much I have it at heart to serve you.

_Enter a Servant._

_Serv._ Sir, my Lord desires to speak with you.

_Man._ I'll wait upon him.

Sir _Fran._ Well then, I'll go straight home, naw.

_Man._ At eight depend upon me.

Sir _Fran._ Ah! dear cousin! I shall be bound to you as long as I live. Mercy deliver us! what a terrible journey have I made on't!

[_Exeunt severally._

_The +SCENE+ opens to a dressing room. Lady ~Townly~, as just up, walks to her toilet, leaning on Mrs. ~Trusty~._

_Trusty._ Dear Madam, what should make your Ladyship so out of order!

Lady _Town._ How is it possible to be well, where one is kill'd for want of sleep?

_Trusty._ Dear me! it was so long before you rung, Madam, I was in hopes your Ladyship had been finely compos'd.

Lady _Town._ Compos'd! why I have laid in an inn here! this house is worse than an inn with ten stage-coaches! What between my lord's impertinent people of business in a morning, and the intolerable thick shoes of footmen at noon, one has not a wink all night.

_Trusty._ Indeed, Madam, it's a great pity my Lord can't be persuaded into the hours of people of quality----Though I must say that, Madam, your Ladyship is certainly the best matrimonial manager in town.

Lady _Town._ Oh! you are quite mistaken, _Trusty_! I manage very ill! for notwithstanding all the power I have, by never being over-fond of my lord----yet I want money infinitely oftener than he is willing to give it me.

_Trusty._ Ah, if his lordship could but be brought to play himself, Madam, then he might feel what it is to want money.

Lady _Town._ Oh! don't talk of it! do you know that I am undone, _Trusty_?

_Trusty._ Mercy forbid, Madam!

Lady _Town._ Broke! ruin'd! plunder'd!----stripp'd, even to a confiscation of my last guinea.

_Trusty._ You don't tell me so, Madam!

Lady _Townly._ And where to raise ten pound in the world----What is to be done _Trusty_?

_Trusty._ Truly, I wish I was wise enough to tell you, Madam: but may be your ladyship may have a run of better fortune, upon some of the good company that comes here to-night.

Lady _Town._ But I have not a single guinea to try my fortune!

_Trusty._ Ha! that's a bad business indeed, Madam--Adad! I have a thought in my head, Madam, if it is not too late----

Lady _Town._ Out with it quickly then, I beseech thee?

_Trusty._ Has not the steward something of fifty pound, Madam, that you left in his hands to pay somebody about this time?

Lady _Town._ O! ay! I had forgot--'twas to--a--what's his filthy name?

_Trusty._ Now I remember, Madam, 'twas to Mr. _Lutestring_, your old mercer, that your ladyship turn'd off, about a year ago, because he would trust you no longer.

Lady _Town._ The very wretch! if he has not paid it, run quickly, dear _Trusty_, and bid him bring it hither immediately----[_Exit ~Trusty~._] Well! sure mortal woman never had such fortune! five! five, and nine, against poor seven for ever!----No! after that horrid bar of my chance, that Lady _Wronghead_'s fatal red fist upon the table, I saw it was impossible, ever to win another stake----Sit up all night! lose all one's money! dream of winning thousands! wake without a shilling! and then how like a hag I look! In short----the pleasures of life are not worth this disorder! If it were not for shame now, I could almost think, Lady _Grace_'s sober scheme not quite so ridiculous----If my wise lord could but hold his tongue for a week, 'tis odds, but I should hate the town in a fortnight----But I will not be driven out of it, that's positive!

[_~Trusty~ returns._

_Trusty._ O Madam! there is no bearing it! Mr. _Lutestring_ was just let in at the door, as I came to the stair-foot! and the steward is now actually paying him the money in the hall.

Lady _Town._ Run to the stair case head, again----and scream to him, that I must speak with him this instant.

[_~Trusty~ runs out, and speaks._

_Trusty._ Mr. _Poundage_----a hem! Mr. }
_Poundage_, a word with you quickly. }
}
_Pound._ [_Within._] I'll come to you presently. }
}
_Trusty._ Presently won't do, man, you must }
come this minute. } _Without._
}
_Pound._ I am but just paying a little money, }
here. }
}
_Trusty._ Cods my life! paying money? is }
the man distracted? come here I tell you, }
to my lady, this moment, quick! }

[_~Trusty~ returns._

Lady _Town._ Will the monster come or no?----

_Trusty._ Yes, I hear him now, Madam, he is hobbling up, as fast as he can.

Lady _Town._ Don't let him come in--for he will keep such a babbling about his accounts,----my brain is not able to bear him.

[_~Poundage~ comes to the door with a money-bag in his hand._

_Trusty._ O! it's well you are come, Sir! where's the fifty-pound?

_Pound._ Why here it is; if you had not been in such haste, I should have paid it by this time----the man's now writing a receipt, below, for it.

_Trusty._ No matter! my lady says, you must not pay him with that money, there is not enough, it seems; there's a pistole and a guinea that's not good, in it----besides there is a mistake in the account too----[_Twitching the bag from him._] But she is not at leisure to examine it now; so you must bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-um call another time.

Lady _Town._ What is all that noise there?

_Pound._ Why and it please your Ladyship----