Chapter TWO: The Etiquette of Engagements and Weddings

THE HISTORIC ASPECT

“Matrimony,” sings Homer, the poet, “is a holy estate and not
lightly to be entered into.” The “old Roman” is right.

A modern wedding is one of the most intricate and exhausting of
social customs. Young men and women of our better classes are now
forced to devote a large part of their lives to acting as brides,
grooms, ushers and bridesmaids at various elaborate nuptials.
Weeks are generally required in preparation for an up-to-date
wedding; months are necessary in recovering from such an affair.
Indeed, some of the participants, notably the bride and groom,
never quite get over the effects of a marriage.

It was not “always thus.” Time was when the wedding was a
comparatively simple affair. In the Paleolithic Age, for example,
(as Mr. H. G. Wells of England points out in his able “Outline of
History”), there is no evidence of any particular ceremony
conjunctive with the marriage of “a male and a female.” Even with
the advent of Neolithic man, a wedding seems to have been
consummated by the rather simple process of having the bridegroom
crack the bride over the head with a plain, unornamented stone
ax. There were no ushers—no bridesmaids. But shortly after that
(c- 10,329—30 B.C. to be exact) two young Neoliths named Haig,
living in what is now supposed to be Scotland, discovered that
the prolonged distillation of common barley resulted in the
creation of an amber-colored liquid which, when taken internally,
produced a curious and not unpleasant effect.

This discovery had—and still has—a remarkable effect upon the
celebration of the marriage rite. Gradually there grew up around
the wedding a number of customs. With the Haig brothers’
discovery of Scotch whiskey began, as a matter of course, the
institution of the “bachelor dinner.” “Necessity is the mother of
invention,” and exactly twelve years after the first “bachelor
dinner” came the discovery of bicarbonate of soda. From that time
down to the present day the history of the etiquette of weddings
has been that of an increasing number of intricate forms and
ceremonies, each age having added its particular bit of ritual.
The modern wedding may be said to be, therefore, almost an
“Outline of History” itself.

ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT

Let us begin, first of all, with the duties of one of the minor
characters at a wedding—the Groom. Suppose that you are an
eligible young man named Richard Roe, who has just become
“engaged” to a young lady named Dorothy Doe. If you really intend
to “marry the girl,” it is customary that some formal
announcement of the engagement be made, for which you must have
the permission of Miss Dorothy and her father. It is not
generally difficult to become engaged to most girls, but it will
surprise you to discover how hard it is to get the young lady
whom you believe to be your fiancée to consent to a public
announcement of the fact. The reason for this probably is that an
engagement which has been “announced” often leads to matrimony,
and matrimony, in polite society, often lasts for several years.
After you have secured the girl’s permission, it is next
necessary that you notify her father of the engagement. In this
particular case, as he happens to be your employer, the
notification can take place in his office. First of all, however,
it would be advisable to prepare some sort of speech in advance.
Aim to put him as far as possible at his ease, lead up to the
subject gradually and tactfully. Abruptness is never “good form.”
The following is suggested as a possible model. “Good morning,
Mr. Doe, say, I heard a good story from a traveling salesman last
night. It seems that there was a young married couple—(here
insert a good story about a young married couple). Wasn’t that
_rich_? Yes, sir, marriage is a great thing—a great institution.
Every young man ought to get married, don’t you think? You do?
Well, Mr. Doe, I’ve got a surprise for you, (here move toward the
door). I’m going to (here open the door) marry (step out of the
room) your daughter” (close the door quickly).

THE BRIDE-TO-BE

Before the public announcement of the engagement it is customary
for the bride-to-be to write personal letters to all other young
men to whom she happens to be engaged at the time. These notes
should be kindly, sympathetic and tactful. The same note can be
written to all, provided there is no chance of their comparing
notes. The following is suggested:

“Dear Bob—

Bob, I want you to be the very first to know that I am engaged to
Richard Roe. I want you to like him, Bob, because he is a fine
fellow and I would rather have you like him than any one I know.
I feel that he and I shall be very happy together, and I want you
to be the first to know about it. Your friendship will always
remain one of the brightest things in my life, Bob, but, of
course, I probably won’t be able to go to the Aiken dance with
you now. Please don’t tell anybody about it yet. I shall never
forget the happy times you and I had together, Bob, and will you
please return those silly letters of mine. I am sending you
yours.”

Ignorance of Sporting Terms Betrays the “Cockney” _Nothing so completely betrays the “Cockney” as a faulty knowledge of sporting terms. The young lady at the left has just returned from the hunting field hand-in-hand with the dashing “lead,” who happens to be an eligible billionaire. Her hostess, the mother of the sub-deb at the right, has greeted her by hissing, “S—o—o! I see you’ve had a good day’s hunting!” The use of this unsportsmanlike expression—in stead of the correct “Hope you had a good run,” or “Where did you find?”—at once discloses the hostess’s mean origin and the young lady will almost certainly never accept another invitation to her house._

Proper Attitude Towards the Hostess’ Furniture _In this work-a-day world, one is likely to forget that there is an etiquette of pleasure, just as there is an etiquette of dancing or the opera. One often hears a charming hostess refuse to invite this or that person to her home for a game of billiards on the ground that he or she is a “bum sport” or a “rotten loser.” The above scene illustrates one of the little, but conspicuous, blunders that people make. The gentleman, having missed his fifth consecutive shot, has broken his cue over his knee and is ripping the baize off the table with the sharp end. This display is not in the best taste._

Correct Bathing Costumes for Ladies _Good form at the beach is still a question of debate. Some authorities on the subject insist that the Rubenesque type is preferable, while others claim that the Byzantine is more fashionable. One thing is certain—it is absolutely incorrect for ladies who weigh less than 75 or more than 275 pounds (avoirdupois) to appear in costumes that would offend against modesty. It is also considered rude to hold one’s swimming partner under water for more then the formal quarter of an hour._

THE ENGAGEMENT LUNCHEON

The engagement is generally announced at a luncheon given by the
parents of the prospective bride. This is usually a small affair,
only fifteen or twenty of the most intimate friends of the
engaged “couple” being invited. It is one of the customs of
engagement luncheons that all the guests shall be tremendously
surprised at the news, and great care should be taken to aid them
in carrying out this tradition. On the invitations, for example,
should be written some misleading phrase, such as “To meet
General Pershing” or “Not to Announce the Engagement of our
Daughter.”

The announcement itself which should be made soon after the
guests are seated, offers a splendid opportunity for the display
of originality and should aim to afford the guest a surprise and
perhaps a laugh, for laughter of a certain quiet kind is often
welcome at social functions. One of the most favored methods of
announcing an engagement is by the use of symbolic figures
embodying the names of the affianced pair. Thus, for example, in
the case of the present engagement of Richard Roe to Dorothy Doe
it would be “unique” to have the first course at luncheon consist
of a diminutive candy or paper-mache doe seated amorously upon a
heart shaped order of a shad roe. The guests will at first be
mystified, but soon cries of “Oh, how sweet!” will arise and
congratulations are then in order. Great care should be taken,
however, that the symbolic figures are not misunderstood; it
would be extremely embarrassing, for example, if in the above
instance, a young man named “Shad” or “Aquarium” were to receive
the congratulations instead of the proper person. Other
suggestions for symbolistic announcements of some of the more
common names are as follows:

“_Cohan-O’Brien_”—ice cream cones on a plate of O’Brien potatoes.

“_Ames-Green_—green ice cream in the shape of a man aiming at
something.

“_Thorne-Hoyt_—figure of a man from Brooklyn pulling a thorn from
foot with expression on his face signifying “This hoits.”

“_Bullitt-Bartlett_—bartlett pears full of small 22 or 33 calibre
bullets.

“_Tweed-Ellis_”—frosted cake in the shape of Ellis Island with a
solitary figure of a man in a nice fitting tweed suit.

“_Gordon-Fuller_”—two paper-mache figures—one representing a
young man full of Gordon gin, the other representing a young man
fuller.

“_Hatch-Gillette_”—figure of a chicken surprised at having
hatched a safety razor.

“_Graves-Colgate_”—figure of a man brushing his teeth in a
cemetery.

“_Heinz-Fish_”—57 assorted small fish tastily arranged on one
plate.

SELECTING THE BRIDAL PARTY

AS soon as the engagement has been announced it is the duty of
the prospective bride to select a maid-of-honor and eight or ten
bridesmaids, while the groom must choose his best man and ushers.
In making these selections it should be carefully borne in mind
that no wedding party is complete without the following:

1 bridesmaid who danced twice with the Prince of Wales. 2 Bridesmaids who never danced more than once with anybody. 1 bridesmaid who doesn’t “Pet.” 1 bridesmaid who was expelled from Miss Spence’s. 1 bridesmaid who talks “Southern.” 1 bridesmaid who met Douglas Fairbanks once. 1 bridesmaid who rowed on the crew at Wellesley. 1 usher who doesn’t drink anything. 9 ushers who drink anything.

In some localities, following the announcement, it is customary
for the bride’s friends, to give for her a number of “showers.”
These are for the purpose of providing her with various
necessities for her wedded household life. These affairs should
be informal and only her dearest or wealthiest friends should be
invited. A clever bride will generally arrange secretly for
several of these “showers” by promising a certain percentage
(usually 15% of the gross up to $500.00 and 25% bonus on all over
that amount) to the friend who gives the party. Some of the more
customary “showers” of common household articles for the new
bride are toothpaste, milk of magnesia, screen doors, copies of
Service’s poems, Cape Cod lighters, pictures of “Age of
Innocence” and back numbers of the “Atlantic Monthly.”

INVITATIONS AND WEDDING PRESENTS

The proper time to send out invitations to a wedding is between
two and three weeks before the day set for the ceremony, although
the out-of-town invitations should be mailed in plenty of time to
allow the recipient to purchase and forward a suitable present.
As the gifts are received, a check mark should be placed after
the name of the donor, together with a short description of the
present and an estimate as to its probable cost. This list is to
be used later, at the wedding reception, in determining the
manner in which the bride is to greet the various guests. It has
been found helpful by many brides to devise some sort of memory
system whereby certain names immediately suggest certain
responses, thus:

“Mr. Snodgrass—copy of ‘Highways and Byways in Old France’”—c.
$6.50—“how do you do, Mr. Snodgrass, have you met my mother?”

“Mr. Brackett—Solid silver candlesticks—$68.50”—“hello, Bob, you
old peach. How about a kiss?”

The real festivities of a wedding start about three days before
the ceremony, with the arrival of the “wedding party,” in which
party the most responsible position is that of best man. Let us
suppose that you are to be the best man at the Roe-Doe nuptials.
What are your duties?

In the first place, you must prepare yourself for the wedding by
a course of training extending for over a month or more prior to
the actual event. It should be your aim to work yourself into
such a condition that you can go for three nights without sleep,
talk for hours to the most impossibly stupid of young women, and
consume an unending amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for
the bachelor dinner, the bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the
wedding, and the wedding reception.

DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN

Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place
you will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home
of the bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the
bride’s father. “This is my best man,” says the groom. “The best
man?” replies her father. “Well, may the best man win.” At once
you reply, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” He then says, “Is this your first visit
to Chicago?” to which the correct answer is, “Yes, sir, but I
hope it isn’t my last.”

The bride’s mother then appears. “This is my best man,” says the
groom. “Well,” says she, “remember—the best man doesn’t always
win.” “Ha! Ha! Ha!” you at once reply. “Is this your first visit
to Chicago?” says she, to which you answer, “Yes—but I hope it
isn’t my last.”

You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to
unpack. In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy
enter. This is the brother of the bride. You smile at him
pleasantly and remark, “Is this your first visit to Chicago?”
“What are you doing?” is his answer. “Unpacking,” you reply.
“What’s that?” says he. “A cutaway,” you reply. “What’s that?”
says he. “A collar bag.” “What’s that?” “A dress shirt.” “What’s
that?” says he. “Another dress shirt.” “What’s that?” says he.
“Say, listen,” you reply, “don’t I hear some one calling you?”
“No,” says he, “what’s that?” “That,” you reply, with a sigh of
relief, “is a razor. Here—take it and play with it.” In three
minutes, if you have any luck at all, the bride’s brother will
have cut himself severely in several places which will cause him
to run crying from the room. You can then finish unpacking.

THE BRIDE’S TEA

The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a
tea at the bride’s home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to
become “acquainted.” It is your duty, as best man, to go to the
hotel where the ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea.
Just as you will leave on this mission the groom will whisper in
your ear, “For God’s sake, remember to tell them that her father
and mother are terribly opposed to drinking in any form.” This is
an awfully good joke on her father and mother.

As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the
hall a chorus shouting, “Mademoiselle from Armentières—_parlez
vous!_” Those are your ushers.

Opening the door of the room you step forward and announce,
“Fellows, we have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s
go.” At this, ten young men in cutaways will stand up and shout,
“Yeaaa—the best man—give the best man a drink!” From then on, at
twelve minute intervals, it is your duty to say, “Fellows, we
have got to go to a tea right away. Come on—let’s go.” Each time
you will be handed another drink, which you may take with either
your right or left hand.

After an hour the telephone will ring. It will be the groom. He
will say, “Everybody is waiting for you and the ushers,” to which
you reply, “We are just leaving.” He then says, “And don’t forget
to tell them what I told you about her father and mother.”

You then hang up the receiver, take a drink in one hand and say,
“Fellows, I have a very solemn message for you. It’s a message
which is of deep importance to each one of us. Fellows—her father
and mother object to the use of alcohol in any form.”

This statement will be greeted with applause and cheers. You will
all then take one more drink, put on your silk hats and gray
gloves, and leave the room singing, “Her father and mother object
to drink—_parlez vous_.”

The tea given by the bride’s parents is generally a small affair
to which only the members of the wedding party are invited. When
you and the ushers arrive, you will find the bride, the maid of
honor and the bridesmaids waiting for you. As you enter the room,
make a polite bow to the bride’s father and mother, and be sure
to apologize for your lateness. Nothing so betrays the social
“oil can” as a failure to make a plausible excuse for tardiness.
Whenever you are late for a party you must always have ready some
good reason for your fault, such as, “Excuse me, Mrs. Doe, I’m
afraid I am a little late, but you see, just as I was dressing,
this filling dropped out of my tooth and I had to have it put
back in.” If the host and hostess seem to doubt your statement,
it would be well to show them the recalcitrant filling in
question, although if they are “well-bred” they will probably in
most cases take you at your word.

THE MAID OF HONOR

You and the ushers will then be introduced to the bridesmaids and
the maid of honor. As you meet this latter young lady, who is the
bride’s older sister and, of course, your partner for the
remainder of the wedding festivities, she will say, “The best
man? Well, they say that the best man wins... Ha! Ha! Ha!” This
puts her in class G 6 without further examination, and your only
hope of prolonging your life throughout the next two days lies in
the frequent and periodic administration of stimulants.

THE BACHELOR DINNER AND AFTER

That evening the groom gives for the best man and the ushers what
is known as a “bachelor dinner.” It is his farewell to his men
friends as he passes out of the state of bachelorhood. The formal
passing out generally occurs toward the end of the dinner, and is
a quaint ceremony participated in by most of those present.

It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the
following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where
you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress
trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks
and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be
clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a
low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in
evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the
trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say,
“What happened?” to which he replies, “Oh, Judas.” You wait
several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower
bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling
continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the
ushers. He is the usher who always “feels great” the next day
after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, “Well, boys, you look
all in.” You do not reply. He continues, “Gosh, I feel fine.” You
make no response. He then begins to chuckle, “I don’t suppose you
remember,” he says, “what you said to the bride’s mother when I
brought you home last night.” You sit quickly up in bed. “What
did I say?” you ask. “Was I tight?” “Were you tight?” he replies,
still chuckling. “Don’t you remember what you said? And don’t you
remember trying to get the bride’s father to slide down the
banisters with you? Were you tight—Oh, my gosh!” He then exits,
chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance
companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent
death before the age of thirty.

THE REHEARSAL

The rehearsal for the wedding is usually held in the church on
the afternoon preceding the day of the nuptials. The ushers, of
course, are an hour late, which gives the bridegroom (Bap.) an
opportunity to meet the minister (Epis.) and have a nice, long
chat about religion, while the best man (Atheist) talks to the
eighty-three year old sexton who buried the bride’s grandpa and
grandma and has knowed little Miss Dorothy come twenty years next
Michaelmas. The best man’s offer of twenty-five dollars, if the
sexton will at once bury the maid of honor, is generally refused
as a matter of courtesy.

THE BRIDAL DINNER

In the evening, the parents of the bride give the bridal dinner,
to which all the relatives and close friends of the family are
invited. Toasts are drunk in orange juice and rare old Virginia
Dare wine, and much good-natured fun is indulged in by all.
Speeches are usually made by the bride and groom, their parents,
the best man, the maid of honor, the minister and Aunt Harriet.

Just a word about the speeches at a bridal dinner. Terrible!

A CHURCH WEDDING

On the day of the wedding the ushers should arrange to be at the
church an hour or so in advance of the time set for the ceremony.
They should be dressed in cutaways, with ties, gloves and
gardenias provided by the groom.

It is the duty of the best man to dress the bridegroom for the
wedding. As you enter his room you see, lying half-dressed on the
bed, a pale, wan, emaciated creature, who is staring fixedly at
the ceiling. It is the happy bridegroom. His lips open. He speaks
feebly. “What time is it?” he says. You reply, “Two-thirty, old
man. Time to start getting dressed.” “Oh, my God!” says the
groom. Ten minutes pass. “What time is it?” says the groom.
“Twenty of three,” you reply. “Here’s your shirt.” “Oh, my God!”
says the groom.

He takes the shirt and tries to put it on. You help him. “Better
have a little Scotch, old man,” you say. “What time is it?” he
replies. “Five of three,” you say. “Oh, my God!” says the groom.

At three-thirty you and he are dressed in cutaways and promptly
at three-forty-two you arrive at the church. You are ushered into
a little side room where it is your duty to sit with the corpse
for the few brief hours which elapse between three-forty-five and
four o’clock. Occasionally he stirs and a faint spark of life
seems to struggle in his sunken eyes. His lips move feebly. You
bend over to catch his dying words. “Have—you—got—the ring?” he
whispers. “Yes,” you reply. “Everything’s fine. You look great,
too, old man.” The sound of the organ reaches your ears. The
groom groans. “Have you got the ring?” he says.

Meanwhile the ushers have been performing their duty of showing
the invited guests to the various pews. A correctly trained usher
will always have ready some cheery word or sprightly bit of
conversation to make the guests feel perfectly at home as he
conducts them to their seats. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” is
suggested as a perfectly safe and yet not too unusual topic of
conversation. This can be varied by remarking, “Isn’t it a nice
day?” or in some cases, where you do not wish to appear too
forward, “Is it a nice day, or isn’t it?” An usher should also
remember that although he has on a cutaway, he is neither a
floor-walker nor a bond salesman, and remarks such as “Something
in a dotted Swiss?” or “Third aisle over—second pew—next the
ribbon goods,” are decidedly _non au fait_.

The first two pews on each side of the center aisle are always
reserved for members of the immediate family, but it is a firmly
established custom that the ushers shall seat in these “family
pews” at least three people with whom the family are barely on
speaking terms. This slight error always causes Aunt Nellie and
Uncle Fred to sit up in the gallery with the family cook.

With the arrival of the bride, the signal is given to the
organist to start the wedding march, usually either Mendelssohn’s
or Wagner’s. About this time the mother of the bride generally
discovers that the third candle from the left on the rear altar
has not been lighted, which causes a delay of some fifteen
minutes during which time the organist improvises one hundred and
seventy-three variations on the opening strains of the march.

Finally all is adjusted and the procession starts down the aisle
led by the ushers swaying slowly side by side. It is always
customary for three or four of the eight ushers to have
absolutely no conception of time or rhythm, which adds a quaint
touch of uncertainty and often a little humor to the performance.

After the Scotch mist left by the passing ushers has cleared,
there come the bridesmaids, the maid of honor, and then, leaning
on her father’s arm (unless, of course, her father is dead), the
bride.

In the meantime, the bridegroom has been carried in by the best
man and awaits the procession at the foot of the aisle, which is
usually four hundred and forty yards long. The ushers and
bridesmaids step awkwardly to one side; the groom advances and a
hush falls over the congregation which is the signal for the
bride’s little niece to ask loudly, “What’s that funny looking
man going to do, Aunt Dotty?”

Then follows the religious ceremony.

Immediately after the church service, a reception is held at the
bride’s home, where refreshments are served and two hundred and
forty-two invited guests make the same joke about kissing the
bride. At the reception it is customary for the ushers and the
best man to crawl off in separate corners and die.

The wedding “festivities” are generally concluded with the
disappearance of the bride, the bridegroom, one of the uninvited
guests and four of the most valuable presents.

The Man of Refinement Controls His Emotions _The man of culture and refinement, while always considerate to those beneath him in station, never, under any circumstances, loses control of his emotions for an instant. Though the gentleman-rider in the picture may be touchingly fond of his steeplechase horse, it is unpardonably bad form for him to make an exhibition of his affection while going over the brush in plain view of numbers of total strangers. In doing so he simply is making a “guy” of himself, and it is no more than he deserves if those in the gallery raise their eyebrows at each other and smile knowingly._

Comparative Advantages of the Pen—the Phone _The Romans had a proverb, “Litera scripta manet,” which means “The written letter remains.” The subtle wisdom of these words was no doubt well known to the men of the later Paleolithic Age before them, but evidently the gentleman in the engraving never heard of it. If he had kept this simple little rule of social correspondence in mind he would have avoided the painful experience of hearing his obsolete emotions exposed to the eager ears of twelve perfect strangers. It is customary nowadays for unmarried elder sons of our most aristocratic families to express their appreciation of the qualities of fascinating bachelor girls over the sensible, though plebeian, telephone._