Chapter ONE: The Etiquette of Courtship

A FEW WORDS ABOUT LOVE

Courtship is one of the oldest of social customs, even antedating
in some countries such long-established usages as marriage, or
the wearing of white neckties with full evening dress. The
beginnings of the etiquette of courtship were apparently
connected in some way with the custom of “love” between the
sexes, and many of the old amatory forms still survive in the
modern courtship. It is generally agreed among students of the
history of etiquette that when “love” first began to become
popular among the better class of younger people they took to it
with such avidity that it was necessary to devise some sort of
rules for the conduct of formal or informal love-making. These
rules, together with various amendments, now constitute the
etiquette of courtship.

Suppose, for example, that you are a young gentleman named
Richard Roe desirous of entering upon a formal courtship with
some refined young girl of fashion. You are also, being a college
graduate, engaged in the bond business. One morning there comes
into your financial institution a young lady, named Dorothy Doe,
who at once attracts your attention by her genteel manners, as
exemplified by the fact that she calls the president of your
company “father.” So many young people seem to think it “smart”
to refer to their parents as “dad” or “my old man”; you are
certain, as soon as you hear her say “Hello, father” to your
employer, that she is undoubtedly a worthy object of courtship.

CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM

Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an
introduction. Introductions still play an important part in
social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by
those ignorant of _savoir faire_ (correct form). When introducing
a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not _au fait_
(correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands
with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the _beau monde_
(correct form) this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy
(or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of
the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the
President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a
member of the nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person
who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) right
ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same
time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other
replies, “I’ll say it is.”

This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people
to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is
generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of
course you know Miss Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly,
so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even
sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the
two people will at once say, “I didn’t get the name,” at which
you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several times,
saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the
name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still
persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being
introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on
the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone.

The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to
do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally
be arranged as follows:

Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any
of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social
Register, preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence,
and go there on some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the
rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six
inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match
and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady’s house in several
places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if
she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her
house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will
fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the
sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an
introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely,
you say, in a well modulated voice, “I beg your pardon, Miss Doe,
but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the
sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to
you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should
be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize,
Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but
you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is
my card—and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you
should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing
your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her
family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it is correct to leave
cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the
name on the calling card is generally sufficient for
identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint.

When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers,
after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to
rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions
further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper
regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire.

Table Manners Betray One’s Bringing-Up _Every one knows that table manners betray one’s bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal Dinners_.

Hat? Toupee? or Book? _When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.

Park Benches and Their Uses _You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young man just out of college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid embarrassment look this up in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR.

Travelling with a Player Piano _A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew’s harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having referred to_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR?

A Child, a Banana, A Hard-Boiled Egg _The young mother in the picture is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR, _she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider area_.

CARDS AND FLOWERS

The next day, however, you should send flowers, enclosing another
of your cards. It might be well to write some message on the card
recalling the events of the preceding evening—nothing intimate,
but simply a reminder of your first meeting and a suggestion that
you might possibly desire to continue the acquaintanceship.
Quotations from poetry of the better sort are always appropriate;
thus, on this occasion, it might be nice to write on the card
accompanying the flowers—“‘This is the forest primeval’—H. W.
Longfellow,” or “‘Take, oh take, those lips away’—W.
Shakespeare.” You will find there are hundreds of lines equally
appropriate for this and other occasions, and in this connection
it might be well to display a little originality at times by
substituting pertinent verses of your own in place of the
conventional quotations. For example—“This is the forest
primeval, I regret your last evening’s upheaval,” shows the young
lady in question that not only are you well-read in classic
poetry, but also you have no mean talent of your own. Too much
originality, however, is dangerous, especially in polite social
intercourse, and I need hardly remind you that the floors of the
social ocean are watered with the tears of those who seek to walk
on their own hook.

Within a week after you have sent the young lady the flowers, you
should receive a polite note of thanks, somewhat as follows: “My
dear Mr. Roe: Those lovely flowers came quite as a surprise. They
are lovely, and I cannot thank you enough for your
thoughtfulness. Their lovely fragrance fills my room as I write,
and I wish to thank you again. It was lovely of you.”

FLOWERS AND THEIR MESSAGE IN COURTSHIP

It is now time to settle down to the more serious business of
courtship. Her letter shows beyond the shadow of a figurative
doubt that she is “interested,” and the next move is “up to you.”
Probably she will soon come into the office to see her father, in
which case you should have ready at hand some appropriate gift,
such as, for example, a nice potted geranium. Great care should
be taken, however, that it is a plant of the correct species, for
in the etiquette of courtship all flowers have different meanings
and many a promising affair has been ruined because a suitor sent
his lady a buttercup, meaning “That’s the last dance I’ll ever
take you to, you big cow,” instead of a plant with a more tender
significance. Some of the commoner flowers and their meaning in
courtship are as follows:

Fringed Gentian—“I am going out to get a shave. Back at 3:30.”

Poppy—“I would be proud to be the father of your children.”

Golden-rod—“I hear that you have hay-fever.”

Tuberose—“Meet me Saturday at the Fourteenth Street subway
station.”

Blood-root—“Aunt Kitty murdered Uncle Fred Thursday.”

Dutchman’s Breeches—“That case of Holland gin and Old Tailor has
arrived. Come on over.”

Iris—“Could you learn to love an optician?”

Aster—“Who was that stout Jewish-looking party I saw you with in
the hotel lobby Friday?”

Deadly Nightshade—“Pull down those blinds, quick!”

Passion Flower—“Phone Main 1249—ask for Eddie.”

Raspberry—“I am announcing my engagement to Charlie O’Keefe
Tuesday.”

Wild Thyme—“I have seats for the Hippodrome Saturday afternoon.”

The above flowers can also be combined to make different
meanings, as, for example, a bouquet composed of three tuberoses
and some Virginia creeper generally signifies the following, “The
reason I didn’t call for you yesterday was that I had three inner
tube punctures, besides a lot of engine trouble in that old car I
bought in Virginia last year. Gosh, I’m sorry!”

But to return to the etiquette of our present courtship. As Miss
Doe leaves the office you follow her, holding the potted plant in
your left hand. After she has gone a few paces you step up to
her, remove your hat (or cap) with your right hand, and offer her
the geranium, remarking, “I beg your pardon, miss, but didn’t you
drop this?” A great deal depends upon the manner in which you
offer the plant and the way she receives it. If you hand it to
her with the flower pointing upward it means, “Dare I hope?”
Reversed, it signifies, “Your petticoat shows about an inch, or
an inch and a half.” If she receives the plant in her right hand,
it means, “I am”; left hand, “You are”; both hands—“He, she or it
is.” If, however, she takes the pot firmly in both hands and
breaks it with great force on your head, the meaning is usually
negative and your only correct course of procedure is a hasty bow
and a brief apology.

RECEIVING AN INVITATION TO CALL

Let us suppose, however, that she accepts the geranium in such a
manner that you are encouraged to continue the acquaintance. Your
next move should be a request for an invitation to call upon her
at her home. This should, above all things, not be done crudely.
It is better merely to suggest your wish by some indirect method
such as, “Oh—so you live on William Street. Well, well! I often
walk on William Street in the evening, but I have never called on
any girl there—_yet_.” The “yet” may be accompanied by a slight
raising of your eyebrows, a wink, or a friendly nudge with your
elbow. Unless she is unusually “dense” she will probably “take
the hint” and invite you to come and see her some evening. At
once you should say, “_What_ evening? How about _to-night_?” If
she says that she is already engaged for that evening, take a
calendar out of your pocket and remark, “Tomorrow? Wednesday?
Thursday? Friday? I really have no engagements between now and
October. Saturday? Sunday?” This will show her that you are
really desirous of calling upon her and she will probably say,
“Well, I think I am free Thursday night, but you had better
telephone me first.”

THE ETIQUETTE OF TELEPHONING

On Thursday morning, therefore, you should go to a public
telephone-booth in order to call the young lady’s house. The
etiquette of telephoning is quite important and many otherwise
perfectly well-bred people often make themselves conspicuous
because they do not know the correct procedure in using this
modern but almost indispensable invention. Upon entering the
telephone-booth, which is located, say, in some drug store, you
remove the receiver from the hook and deposit the requisite coin
in the coin box. After an interval of some minutes a young lady
(referred to as “Central”) will ask for your “Number, please.”
Suppose, for example, that you wish to get Bryant 4310. Remove
your hat politely and speak that number into the mouthpiece.
“Central” will then say, “Rhinelander 4310.” To which you reply,
“NO, Central—_Bryant_ 4310.” Central then says, “I beg your
pardon—Bryant 4310,” to which you reply, “Yes, please.” In a few
minutes a voice at the other end of the line says, “Hello,” to
which you answer, “Is Miss Doe at home?” The voice then says,
“Who?” You say, “Miss Doe, please—Miss Dorothy Doe.” You then
hear the following, “Wait a minute. Say, Charlie, is they anybody
works around here by the name of Doe? There’s a guy wants to talk
to a Miss Doe. Here—you answer it.” Another voice then says,
“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He says, “What do you want?” You
reply, “I wish to speak to Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “What
department does she work in?” You reply, “Is this the residence
of J. Franklin Doe, President of the First National Bank?” He
says, “Wait a minute.” You wait a minute. You wait several.
Another voice—a new voice says-“Hello.” You reply “Hello.” He
says, “Give me Stuyvesant 8864.” You say, “But I’m trying to get
Miss Doe—Miss Dorothy Doe.” He says, “Who?” You say, “Is this the
residence of—” He says, “Naw—this is Goebel Brothers, Wholesale
Grocers—what number do you want?” You say, “Bryant 4310.” He
says, “Well, this is Rhinelander 4310.” You then hang up the
receiver and count twenty. The telephone bell then rings, and
inasmuch as you are the only person near the phone you take up
the receiver and say, “Hello.” A female voice, says, “Hello,
dearie—don’t you know who this is?” You say, politely but firmly,
“No.” She says, “Guess!” You guess “Mrs. Warren G. Harding.” She
says, “No. This is Ethel. Is Walter there?” You reply, “Walter?”
She says, “Ask him to come to the phone, will you? He lives
up-stairs over the drug store. Just yell ‘Walter’ at the third
door down the hall. Tell him Ethyl wants to speak to him—no,
wait—tell him it’s Madge.” Being a gentleman, you comply with the
lady’s request. After bringing Walter to the phone, you
obligingly wait for some twenty minutes while he converses with
Ethel—no, Madge. When he has finished, you once more enter the
booth and tell “Central” you want Bryant 4310. After a few
minutes “Central” says, “What number did you call?” You say
patiently, “Bryant 4310.” She replies, “Bryant 4310 has been
changed to Schuyler 6372.” You ask for Schuyler 6372. Finally a
woman’s voice says, “Yass.” You say, “Is Miss Doe in?” She
replies, “Yass.” You say, “May I speak to her?” She says, “Who?”
You reply, “You said Miss Doe was at home, didn’t you?” She
replies, “Yass.” You say, “Well, may I speak to her?” The voice
says, “Who?” You shout, “Miss Doe.” The voice says, “She ban
out.” You shriek, “Oh, go to hell!” and assuming a graceful, easy
position in the booth, you proceed to tear the telephone from the
wall. Later on in the day, when you have two or three hours of
spare time, you can telephone Miss Doe again and arrange for the
evening’s visit.

A Crude Bridegroom _Not realizing his mistake, the Groom stands waiting for the Bridal Procession, apparently in high spirits and the best of health. Such an attitude toward a wedding is in the worst possible taste._ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _tells all about the correct appearance and conduct of Bridegrooms_.

A Best Man’s Blunder _The Best Man has just been introduced to the Maid of Honor. Instead of waiting for her to extend her hand and make the acknowledgment, he has turned on his heel and bolted from the room. This constitutes a social blunder, after the commission of which he could never again, in polite society, be considered quite a gentleman_. PERFECT BEHAVIOR _would have told him how the man of birth and breeding learns to face anything with perfect “Sang froid.”_

The Pun “De Rigueur” _The Groom has just presented his Best Man to his sister, who, though she is more than eager to make every one feel at home, has failed to make at once the pun “de rigueur” on the words “best man.” An awkward silence has ensued. What is to be done? Should one of the gentlemen fill the breach by making the pun for her? If so, which?_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _covers the whole subject of making the “best man” pun authoritatively._

The Young Man Doesn’t Know How to Drink _The young man at the right does not know how to drink. Nevertheless, he has been selected by a friend to act as Best Man at his wedding and has attended the Bachelor Dinner. Instead of doing what he should do under the circumstances, he is making himself conspicuous by remaining coherent while the others sing “Mademoiselle from Alabam’.” Had the Bridegroom provided himself with a copy of_ PERFECT BEHAVIOR _he would have known better than to have selected him._

MAKING THE FIRST CALL

The custom of social “calls” between young men and young women is
one of the prettiest of etiquette’s older conventions, and one
around which clusters a romantic group of delightful traditions.
In this day and generation, what with horseless carriages,
electric telephones and telegraphs, and dirigible gas bags, a
great many of the older forms have been allowed to die out,
greatly, I believe, to our discredit. “Speed, not manners,” seems
to be the motto of this century. I hope that there still exist a
few young men who care enough about “good form” to study
carefully to perfect themselves in the art of “calling.” Come,
Tom, Dick and Harry—drop your bicycles for an afternoon and fill
your minds with something besides steam engines and pneumatic
tires!

The first call at the home of any young lady of fashion is an
extremely important social function, and too great care can not
be taken that you prepare yourself thoroughly in advance. It
would be well to leave your work an hour or two earlier in the
afternoon, so that you can go home and practice such necessary
things as entering or leaving a room correctly. Most young men
are extremely careless in this particular, and unless you
rehearse yourself thoroughly in the proper procedure you are apt
to find later on to your dismay that you have made your exit
through a window onto the fire-escape instead of through the
proper door.

CONVERSATION AND SOME OF ITS USES

Your conversation should also be planned more or less in advance.
Select some topic in which you think your lady friend will be
interested, such as, for example, the removal of tonsils and
adenoids, and “read up” on the subject so that you can discuss it
in an intelligent manner. Find out, for example, how many people
had tonsils removed in February, March, April. Contrast this with
the same figures for 1880, 1890, 1900. Learn two or three amusing
anecdotes about adenoids. Consult Bartlett’s “Familiar
Quotations” for appropriate verses dealing with tonsils and
throat troubles. Finally, and above all, take time to glance
through four or five volumes of Dr. Eliot’s Five Foot Shelf, for
nothing so completely marks the cultivated man as the ability to
refer familiarly to the various volumes of the Harvard classics.

A PROPER CALL

Promptly at the time appointed you should arrive at the house
where the young lady is staying. In answer to your ring a German
police dog will begin to bark furiously inside the house, and a
maid will finally come to the door. Removing your hat and one
glove, you say, “Is Miss Doe home?” The maid replies, “Yass, ay
tank so.” You give her your card and the dog rushes out and bites
you on either the right or left leg. You are then ushered into a
room in which is seated an old man with a long white beard. He is
fast asleep. “Dot’s grampaw,” says the maid, to which you reply,
“Oh.” She retires, leaving you alone with grampaw. After a while
he opens his eyes and stares at you for a few minutes. He then
says, “Did the dog bite you?” You answer, “Yes, sir.” Grampaw
then says, “He bites everybody,” and goes back to sleep.
Reassured, you light a cigaret. A little boy and girl then come
to the door, and, after examining you carefully for several
minutes, they burst into giggling laughter and run away. You feel
to see if you have forgotten to put on a necktie. A severe
looking old lady then enters the room. You rise and bow. “I am
Miss Doe’s grandmother. Some one has been smoking in here,” she
says, and sits down opposite you. Her remark is not, however, a
hint for a cigaret and you should not make the mistake of saying,
“I’ve only got Fatimas, but if you care to try one—” It should be
your aim to seek to impress yourself favorably upon every member
of the young lady’s family. Try to engage the grandmother in
conversation, taking care to select subjects in which you feel
she would be interested. Conversation is largely the art of
“playing up” to the other person’s favorite subject. In this
particular case, for example, it would be a mistake to say to
Miss Doe’s grandmother, “Have you ever tried making synthetic
gin?” or “Do you think any one will _ever_ lick Dempsey?” A more
experienced person, and some one who had studied the hobbies of
old people, would probably begin by remarking, “Well, I see that
Jeremiah Smith died of cancer Thursday,” or “That was a lovely
burial they gave Mrs. Watts, wasn’t it?” If you are tactful, you
should soon win the old lady’s favor completely, so that before
long she will tell you all about her rheumatism and what grampaw
can and can’t eat.

Finally Miss Doe arrives. Her first words are, “Have you been
waiting long? Hilda didn’t tell me you were here,” to which you
reply, “No—I just arrived.” She then says, “Shall we go in the
drawing-room?” The answer to this is, “For God’s sake, yes!” In a
few minutes you find yourself alone in the drawing-room with the
lady of your choice and the courtship proper can then begin.

The best way to proceed is gradually to bring the conversation
around to the subject of the “modern girl.” After your
preliminary remarks about tonsils and adenoids have been
thoroughly exhausted, you should suddenly say, “Well I don’t
think girls—nice girls—are really that way.” She replies, of
course, “_What_ way?” You answer, “Oh, the way they are in these
modern novels. This ‘petting,’ for instance.” She says, “_What_
petting’?” You walk over and sit down on the sofa beside her.
“Oh,” you say, “these novelists make me sick—they seem to think
that in our generation every time a young man and woman are left
alone on a lounge together, they haven’t a thing better to do
than put out the light and ‘pet.’ It’s disgusting, isn’t it?”
“Isn’t it?” she agrees and reaching over she accidentally pulls
the lamp cord, which puts out the light.

On your first visit you should not stay after 12:30.

THE PROPOSAL PROPER

About the second or third month of a formal courtship it is
customary for the man to propose matrimony, and if the girl has
been “out” for three or four years and has several younger
sisters coming along, it is customary for her to accept him. They
then become “engaged,” and the courtship is concluded.