Chapter XXVIII: Act II: ,――scene I

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A MONODY ON MONEY.

DEDICATED TO OUR “VERY” PARTICULAR BANKERS.

“I know a bank” where busy men are daily seen to pore
Over their books with earnest zeal from ten o’clock till four,
From whose retreat are issued forth more rich and treasured _notes_
Than ever have been known to come from sweetest song-birds’ throats.
Where _crowns_ abound, and _sov’reigns_ rule the place with despot
sway,
For no one there will _check_ their power, so well belov’d are they.
There seems a _money mania_ for everything that’s dear,
And, strange as it may seem, I’ve heard that far-things here are near.
Cleopatra drank pearls, they say, but here she is outvied,
If pork they wish, they’ve _guinea_ pigs; if beef, the _silver_ side.
Their drink is pure _aqua d’ora_, and I have heard it’s true
Their servant men are _Bills_ and _Franks_, their housemaid is a
_Sou_.
And now, before I end my lay, I ought to make it known
That though this bank is always thronged, each one may get _a-loan_;
And though these bankers care for gold, it never can be said
_Matter-o’-Money_ it will be if ever they are wed.

_Fun_, 1879.

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SHAKESPEARE AT PADDINGTON.

I know a bank whereon foul road-slush flows,
Where passing one hath need to hold one’s nose;
Where the familiar slop-carts do combine
To store malodorous muck in fetid line.
There drowses heavy BUMBLE day and night,
Lulled into stupor to his soul’s delight.
He, with his pompous Paddingtonian kin,
With well-plumped pocket and with well-filled skin,
Allows the fetid foul fermenting mass
To nauseate the souls of all who pass.

_Addendum by Mr. Punch_

BUMBLE’s _our_ “_Bottom_”!――written down an Ass!

_Punch_, October 27, 1883.

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Shakespeare, who knew everything, was aware of the coming of Lord Randolph Churchill when he wrote――

“I am that merry wanderer of the night.
I jest to Salisbury and make him smile,
When I a fat and bean-fed squire beguile,
Speaking in likeness of a Tory _rôle_.
And sometimes lurk I in the Lib’ral’s bowl,
In very likeness of a Democrat;
And when he speaks, against his lips I bob,
And contradict him with my Tory tale.”

_Funny Folks_, May 5, 1884.

THE LIFE AND DEATH OF KING JOHN.

As long ago as November, 1883, my valued friend Mr. T. F. Dillon-Croker, hearing that I contemplated publishing a collection of “Parodies and Burlesques,” wrote a characteristic letter, generously placing his accumulated stores of materials at my disposal. How fully and frankly I have availed myself of that kind offer may be judged from the fact that scarcely a single part of “Parodies” has appeared which has not contained one, or more, contributions furnished by Mr. Dillon-Croker.

In the letter above-mentioned, he remarked:――“You may not be aware that the late Mr. Gilbert A’ Beckett wrote a burlesque on _King John_ (with the benefit of the Act,) 1837, so that irreverence in this direction is no novelty. Hubert was acted by Edward Wright, afterwards so popular at the Adelphi, and who, though often inclined to be coarse, made me as a boy laugh more than I have ever done since, and Madame Sala (the mother of the genial and accomplished G. A. Sala,) was Lady Constance.

Faulconbridge remarks:

We are two brothers of the same Mama,
But there are reasons for suspecting rather,
By some mistake there was an extra father.

Arthur, instead of losing his eyes, is condemned to have a tooth out, and Hubert enters with a large pair of pinchers:

“And you’ll take out my tooth――If you will, come,
I’ll not resist, here is my tooth by gum!”

This, at the present day sounds very insipid, if not, irreverent fooling. A’ Beckett also turned Manfred into a burlesque ballet opera in 1834. These pieces were considered worth publishing, and are curious, as shewing the style of composition that amused an audience nearly 50 years ago.”

Following up the clue given in this letter, it appears that this burlesque was first produced at the St. James’s Theatre October 29, 1837, when the cast was as follows:――

NATIVES.

_King John the first._ (Successor to Richard
the Second) Mr. H. Hall.

_Hubert._ (Dentist and Cupper to the Court) Mr. Wright.

_Ruffian._ (Attached to Hubert, but a member
of the Animal’s Friend Society) Mr. Hart.

_Faulconbridge._ (Illegitimate & bar Sinister) Mr. Gardner.

_Robert._ (His brother, bar Illegitimate, but
Sinister) Mr. Long.

_Prince Arthur._ (A royal duodecimo, a pledge
of affection taken in by his uncle) Miss C. Booth.

_Herald._ (In accordance with the Times) Mr. Post.

_Lady Constance._ (Wife to her son Arthur’s
father, and mother to Arthur’s father’s
son) Madam Sala.

_Lady Elinor._ (John’s father’s widow, and
Arthur’s uncle’s mother Mrs. Pensor.

FOREIGNERS.

_King Philip of France_. (Successor to his
predecessor) Mr. Sidney.

_Lewis._ (Suspected of being the Dauphin) Mr. Moore.

_Chatillon._ (Upon speaking and singing
terms with Philip) Mr. Burnett.

_Duke of Austria._ (Founder of the Skinner’s
Company, bound in calf, but unlettered) Mr. Halford.

_Cardinal Pandulph._ (Full of point) Mr. Brooks.

Mr. Hall, who impersonated King John, wore a chimney cowl as a helmet, surmounted by a weather cock, of which the letters N. E. W. S., translated, burlesque fashion, became “Naughty English Wrongful Sovereign.” Undoubtedly the best scene in the burlesque is that which treats of Hubert and Prince Arthur, the first scene of the fourth act in the original. This approaches more nearly to a parody of the language of Shakespeare, than is usual in most burlesques of his tragedies.

SCENE V.――_A Room in a Castle._

_Enter HUBERT, with a large pair of pinchers, followed by a
Ruffian._

_Hubert._ Just hold the pinchers, I’ve got here a youth,
And I’ve got orders to take out his tooth.
So when I stamp my foot come in and bind him――
His legs together and his arms behind him.

_Ruffian._ I hope there arn’t no gammon in the matter?

_Hubert._ That’s my look out. What right have you to chatter?
Vanish! [_Exit_ Ruffian.

SONG.――HUBERT.

Air.――“_There’s light in her laughing eye._”

There’s a tooth in his little gum;
’Tis a pearl a garnet broach within,
And they say that it out must come,
’Tis a job, I know, is quite a sin.
There’s a tongue in his little head,
A tongue that always wags away;
Like a clock at the back of a bed,
Which keeps on tick tick night and day.

There’s a tooth, &c.

_Hubert._ Young lad come forth, I’ve got a word to say.

_Enter_ Arthur.

_Arthur._ Hubert, good Hubert, how are you to-day?

_Hubert._ I must not listen to his childish chatter,
For if I do he’ll melt my heart like batter.
Look here, young Arthur
(_Gives warrant._)
Can you understand
This paper written in a large text hand?

_Arthur._ Oh, can I read it. Oh, unhappy youth!
Must you with pinchers then take out my tooth?

_Hubert._ Young boy I must.

_Arthur._ And will you?

_Hubert._ Yes I will.

_Arthur._ Oh, it’s too bad――When you were taken ill
Who was it to the chemist’s ran full gallop,
To get a penny dose of salts and jalap?
And when I’ve seen you, after dining out,
When you’ve made free at some hot drinking bout,
Have I not always been extremely willing
To give for soda-water my last shilling?
And you’ll take out my tooth? If you will, come,
I’ll not resist, here is my tooth, by gum!

_Hubert._ Young boy, I’ve sworn to do it――do not flinch,
These instruments must help me at a pinch.
Come forth. (_Stamps._)

_Enter_ Ruffian _with a pewter basin, towel, &c._

(_To Ruffian_) Do as I bid you.

_Arthur._ Hubert stay
My tooth is out, do send that man away.

(Ruffian _seizes_ Arthur.)

_Hubert._ Now for the pinchers――now for one bold tug.

_Arthur._ Why be so boisterous I will hold my mug?
For Heaven’s sake Hubert send that man away,
And not a word against it I will say.
Hubert, your word indeed shall be my law
My tooth is out, see I will hold my jaw!

_Hubert._ (_To_ Ruffian.) Go stand without, I by myself will do it.

_Ruffian._ Indeed ’twould make me ill were I to view it.

[_Exit_ Ruffian.

_Hubert._ Come, now prepare yourself my gentle youth.

_Arthur._ Is there no plan?

_Hubert._ None but to lose your tooth.

_Arthur._ Oh, would that your’s good Hubert did but ache,
That I to stop your pain, great pains might take.

_Hubert._ Is this your promise? Hold your tongue, sir, do.

_Arthur._ Oh, take my tongue, I want my tooth to chew,
Leave only that, e’en if it be to eat,
With you good Hubert, some delicious meat,
Which I have ordered for a little treat.

_Hubert._ Boy, you have touched me hard, as I’m a sinner,
I’ll leave your tooth at least till after dinner,
Your uncle’s heard that dentists who ain’t clever
Will sometimes lock a person’s jaw for ever.

_Arthur._ Hubert, I thank thee.

_Hubert._ Mind you ne’er unfold it.
Your jaw is safe――be good enough to hold it.

A WINTER’S TALE.

A burlesque of this play was produced at the Lyceum Theatre on September 15, 1856, entitled “_Perdita, or the Royal Milkmaid_, being the legend upon which Shakespeare is supposed to have founded his _Winter’s Tale_,” a new and original burlesque by William Brough. A reproduction of the cast on that occasion will interest old playgoers:――

LEONTES (_King of Sicilia; a King who, in
spite of the belief to the contrary,
could do wrong_) MR. S. CALHAEM.

POLIXENES (_King of Bithynia_). MR. WILLIAM BROUGH.
(_His first appearance on any stage_).

FLORIZEL (_his Son and Heir――disobedient
as usual, but charming as ever_)
MRS. ALFRED MELLON (late MISS WOOLGAR).

AUTOLYCUS (_a Rogue, and it is
hardly necessary to add, a Vagabond_) MR. J. L. TOOLE.

CAMILLO (_a Sicilian Lord_) MR. J. G. SHORE.

ANTIGONUS (_a Nurse_) MR. BARRETT.

THE BEAR (_an Ursa_) MR. H. MARSHALL.

BLOCUS (_an old Shepherd, supposed――by
everybody but the Audience, who
know better――to be Perdita’s Father_). MR. HOLSTON.

TIME, as CHORUS (_up to everything,
including, of course, the time of day_) MISS HARRIET GORDON.

HERMIONE (_Leontes’ Queen, always
elegant, and finally quite Statuesque_) MRS. BUCKINGHAM WHITE.

PERDITA (_the Royal Milkmaid_) MISS MARIE WILTON.

PAULINA (_a strong-minded Matron;
considerably the better-half of Antigonus_) MRS. WESTON.

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In 1817 Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote a dramatic poem, entitled “_Zapolya_, a Christmas Tale,” to which he prefixed the remark, “The form of the following dramatic poem is in humble imitation of the Winter’s Tale of Shakespeare.”

Beyond the mere form, however, _Zapolya_ has little or no resemblance to Shakespeare’s play.

KING HENRY V.