Chapter XXVII: Act II: ――the Casting of the Cabinet

SCENE――_Room in Arlington House_.
_Enter Members of the Conservative Party._

SALISBURY. Is all our company here?

CHURCHILL. You were best to call them generally, man by man,
according to _my_ list.

SALISBURY. Here is the scroll of every man’s name which is thought fit by Churchill and myself to play in our interlude before the Houses of Parliament, and all England.

CHURCHILL. First, good Salisbury, say what the play treats on; then
read the names of the actors; and so grow to a point.

SALISBURY. Marry, our play is the most lamentable comedy and
laughable tragedy――_A Conservative Government_.

CHURCHILL. A very good piece of work, I assure you, and a merry. Now, good Salisbury, call forth your actors by the scroll. Masters, spread yourselves.

SALISBURY. Answer as I call you: Randolph Churchill, the “Woodstock
Wonder” and “Champion of the Universe.”

CHURCHILL. Ready! Name the part I set myself down for, and proceed.

SALISBURY. You, Randolph Churchill, are set down as Secretary for
India.

CHURCHILL. What is Secretary for India?――a statesman or a fool?

SALISBURY. A statesman that spends himself most loyally for the State.

CHURCHILL. That will require some brains in the true performance of it. If I do it, let the country look to’t. I will move storms; I will be wise in _some_ measure. To the rest――Yet my chief humour is for a fool. I could play a fool rarely, or a part to tear a cat in, to make all split.

The raging Rads
Are blackguardly cads,
With lots of fads,
About men’s rights.

But Churchill’s star
Shall shine from far,
And make and mar
All lesser lights.

This was lofty. Now name the rest of the players.

SALISBURY. Stafford Northcote, the Antiquated.

STAFFORD NORTHCOTE. Here, my lord.

SALISBURY. You must take what Churchill and I choose to give you. We will attend to you when the others are all served. Hicks-Beach, the Tea-Taxer, you must play at being Chancellor of the Exchequer and Leader of the House of Commons. But disobey Churchill at your peril. Richard Cross, the Waterman.

CROSS. Here, sir.

SALISBURY. You can take the Home Office. Smith, the Stallkeeper, you must take the lion’s part――the Secretary for War. And I hope here is a Cabinet fitted.

SMITH. Have you the lion’s part written? Pray you, if it be, give it
me, for I am slow of study.

SALISBURY. You may do it extempore, as I do, for it is nothing but
roaring.

CHURCHILL. Let me play the lion too. I will roar, that it will do any man’s heart good to hear me; I will roar, that I will make the Tories say, “_Let him roar again! Let him roar again!_”

SALISBURY. An’ you should do it too terribly, you would fright the
Liberals, that they would shriek; and that would turn us all out.

ALL. That would turn us all out, every mother’s son.

CHURCHILL. I grant you, friends, if that you should fright the Liberals out of their wits, they would have no more discretion but to turn us out; but I will aggravate my voice so that I will roar you as gently as any Liberal, I will roar you an ’twere any Radical.

SALISBURY. You can play no part but Secretary for India; for you took a Cook’s tour there, wear an indigo-dyed suit, use India tea for breakfast――therefore, who knows India as you do?

CHURCHILL. Well, I will undertake it. What way had I best to play it?

SALISBURY. Why, what you will.

CHURCHILL. I will discharge it in either your Tory way, your Whig manner, your Liberal-Conservative manner, your Democrat, Republican, Socialist, Communist manner, or no manner at all.

SALISBURY. Play it as you have your former parts――bare-faced. But, masters, here are your parts; and I am to entreat you, request you, and desire you to con them by to-morrow night. In the meantime, I will draw a bill of taxes such as Tories usually want.

CHURCHILL. We will meet again――and rehearse our parts most obscenely
and courageously. Adieu!
[_Exeunt._

――――――――

THE NEW MINISTRY’S STATEMENT TO THE COUNTRY.

If we offend, it is with our good will.
That you should think, we come not to offend,
But with good will. To show our simple skill,
That is the true beginning of our end.
Consider, then, we come not in despite,
We do not come as minding to content you,
Our true intent is. All for your delight
We are not here. That you should here repent you,
The Cabinet is formed; and by their show,
You shall know all that you are like to know.

THE PUBLIC.

Their speech is like a tangled chain.
Truly this is hot ice, and wondrous strange snow.
Where shall we find the concord of this discord?

_Funny Folks_, July 4, 1885.

――――:o:――――

_Oberon._
I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine:
There sleeps Titania sometime of the night,
Lull’d in these flowers with dances and delight;
And there the snake throws her enamell’d skin,
Weed wide enough to wrap a fairy in:
And with the juice of this I’ll streak her eyes,
And make her full of hateful fantasies.