Chapter XLII: The Logicians Refuted

This piece was first printed in _The Busy Body_ in 1759, in direct
imitation of the style of Swift. It was, therefore, improperly
included in the Dublin edition of Swift's works, and in the edition
of Swift edited by Sir Walter Scott.

Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human mind,
Reason they say belongs to man,
But let them prove it if they can,
Wise Aristotle and Smiglesius
By ratiocinations specious
Have strove to prove with great precision,
With definition and division,
_Homo est ratione preditum_;
But for my soul I cannot credit 'em.
And must in spite of them maintain,
That man and all his ways are vain:
And that this boasted lord of nature
Is both a weak and erring creature.
That instinct is a surer guide
Than reason, boasting mortals' pride;
And that brute beasts are far before 'em,
_Deus est anima brutorum_.
Who ever knew an honest brute
At law his neighbour prosecute.
Bring action for assault and battery,
Or friend beguile with lies and flattery?
O'er plains they ramble unconfin'd.
No politics disturb the mind;
They eat their meals, and take their sport,
Nor know who's in or out at court;
They never to the levee go
To treat as dearest friend, a foe;
They never importune his Grace,
Nor ever cringe to men in place;
Nor undertake a dirty job,
Nor draw the quill to write for Bob:
Fraught with invective they ne'er go
To folks at Pater-Noster Row:
No judges, fiddlers, dancing-masters,
No pickpockets, or poetasters,
Are known to honest quadrupeds,
No single brute his fellows leads.
Brutes never meet in bloody fray,
Nor cut each other's throats for pay.
Of beasts, it is confess'd, the ape
Comes nearest us in human shape.
Like man he imitates each fashion,
And malice is his ruling passion;
But both in malice and grimaces,
A courtier any ape surpasses.
Behold him humbly cringing wait
Upon the minister of state;
View him soon after to inferiors
Aping the conduct of superiors:
He promises with equal air,
And to perform takes equal care.
He in his turn finds imitators,
At court, the porters, lacqueys, waiters,
Their master's manners still contract,
And footmen, lords and dukes can act,
Thus at the court both great and small
Behave alike, for all ape all.