Chapter V: Part 5

SIR F. (_aside_). That's a dig in the ribs for me! (_Aloud._) But we are wandering from our subject! Do you think Myrtle loves Vallance at all?

LADY F. I fancy she likes him well enough!

SIR F. "Well enough" won't do! She must like him a _great deal_ better--as I believe she would if we could only make her just a little bit jealous!

LADY F. Perhaps so--but how? My lady's-maid is no beauty! The house-maid's no chicken! The cook's too fat! And there's no one else!

SIR F. No, exactly! (_Here LADY FRITTERLY turns and goes up stage._) Are you going out this morning?

LADY F. Yes, unless you wish for the pleasure of my society here!

SIR F. Well, it would be a novelty!

LADY F. And you promise to spare me the infliction of those melancholy exhibitions which you call jokes?

SIR F. I'll be as dull as an undertaker! Suppose you put a few stitches into that smoking-cap of mine, which has been your sole occupation in needle-work for the last two years and a half!

LADY F. Be it so! It's in my room--I'll fetch it! (_Aside as she goes up stage._) So--so--he's evidently got some "little game" on hand--which it will be my business to find out! (_Turning to SIR F._) Ta! ta!

[_Goes out at door L. H._

SIR F. Poor, unsuspecting innocent, it's too bad to take advantage of her simplicity! Ah! here comes old Cosey for his forty winks--better and better--but he mustn't see me! (_Hides behind window-curtain._)

_Enter COLONEL at R.; looks round._

COL. Nobody here! got it all to myself! That's just what I like! I was afraid of meeting Fritterly! He's a pleasant fellow enough in his way, but I prefer being _out_ of his way! To be within the sound of his voice is like living over a printing-office--one continual clatter! Now, then, for a little solitary rumination!--there's nothing equals it. Look at a cow--how she enjoys it! and isn't she the most peaceful of all animals? Who ever heard of a cow in a passion? See the touching resignation with which she allows herself to be milked! I wish Arthur had more of that docile animal in his composition! he wouldn't talk of doing something desperate! Now, then, for a delicious nap! (_Ties his handkerchief over his head and lies down on couch, and no longer in sight of audience._)

SIR F. (_peeping from behind curtain_). Thank you, colonel, for your flattering opinion of me; but I'll be even with you! I wonder if he's asleep? (_advancing on tiptoe to couch_). Yes, sound as a top! Now, then, to call in Arthur! Stop a bit! let me first perform the part of the benevolent robin in the "Babes in the Wood," and cover this "Sleeping Beauty" up! (_Carefully spreading several antimacassars over COSEY._) There! now for Arthur! (_Runs to window and waves his hand._) All right; he sees me!

_Enter VALLANCE at C._

ARTH. Well, you still stick to your plan?

SIR F. Like a horse-leech. My wife will be here directly!

ARTH. But Uncle Cosey?

SIR F. Comfortably tucked in there (_pointing to couch_), to be roused from the land of dreams when the proper time arrives with this implement (_taking a long feather brush_). Sure you've got your part in this little domestic drama by heart? Rehearse!

ARTH. "Loveliest of women," "emotions," "agony," "Seringapatam," "despair," "Pegwell Bay"--

SIR F. Keep on going over it, like the multiplication-table; but hang it, man, don't look as lively as if you were waiting in a dentist's back parlor! (_Suddenly._) Here comes my wife! (_hurriedly hiding behind curtains_).

_Enter LADY FRITTERLY at L. H., carrying a smoking-cap._

LADY F. (_seeing VALLANCE_). Mr. Vallance?

ARTH. Lady Fritterly! (_bowing_).

LADY F. (_aside_). The ball is about to open! (_Aloud._) Won't you be seated? (_seating herself at L., ARTHUR moving a chair to some distance from LADY F., and seating himself_). A lovely morning, is it not? (_beginning to work at the smoking-cap_).

ARTH. Delicious!

LADY F. Quite cool and pleasant!

ARTH. (_aside_). I feel quite hot and _un_pleasant!

LADY F. By-the-bye, do you know where my husband is?

ARTH. (_fidgeting on his chair_). Not exactly; but I believe he's somewhere or other, or if not there, somewhere else.

SIR F. (_who has peeped out, listening_). Idiot! (_hiding again_).

LADY F. (_observing the movement of the curtain. Aside_). He's there! traitor! (_Aloud._) I'm sure I ought to feel deeply grateful to him for leaving so agreeable a substitute.

SIR F. (_listening_). That ought to encourage him!

ARTH. (_aside_). It's time I began, if I'm going to begin at all! (_Suddenly, and clasping his hands._) Oh, Lady Fritterly, pardon my agitation; but agitated as I am with the agitations that agitate me--the agony, the despair-- (_Aside._) I shall stick fast presently; I know I shall!

SIR F. (_listening_). That's better.

ARTH. But say--say you forgive me!

LADY F. Forgive you! for what? (_insinuatingly, and moving her chair nearer to ARTHUR, who draws his back_).

ARTH. For the confession which, alas! (_here a very deep sigh_) I am about to make.

LADY F. Continue, I beg!

ARTH. Oh, madam, dear madam, dearest madam, if you only knew _all!_

LADY F. Hall? A gentleman of your acquaintance?

ARTH. I didn't say _Hall,_ madam! Let me observe, Lady Fritterly, that this is no subject for levity.

LADY F. No one would imagine it was, from your countenance, Mr. Vallance. Its solemnity is positively, painfully ludicrous!

SIR F. (_listening_). Why the deuce don't he open his batteries?

ARTH. (_seeing SIR FELIX, who is making energetic signs to him to proceed with his love-making. Aside_). Well, since he will insist upon it, here goes! (_Aloud, and in an ultra impassioned tone._) Loveliest of women!--pardon the apparent insanity of the remark--I love you! adore you! in fact, I rather like you! Behold me at your feet! (_flopping down on one knee. Here SIR F. reaches over and tickles COSEY with the feather brush, who starts up and shows his head above the back of couch; then, seeing he is not alone, withdraws his head again out of sight_).

LADY F. (_with pretended emotion_). Love me, Mr. Vallance? (_Aside._) So this is the "little game," is it? (_Aloud._) Well, is that all?

ARTH. All? (_Aside_). And pretty well too, I think; what the deuce _would_ she have? (_Aloud, and very enthusiastically._) No, madam, it is _not_ all! I've only just begun! Oh, could you but know the conflicting emotions, the agony, the despair-- (_counting on his fingers. Aside._) I forgot the rest! (_Aloud._) Say, say that you love me in return! (_seizing her hand_).

LADY F. (_with pretended emotion_). Oh, Mr. Vallance, you're too vehement; release my hand!

ARTH. (_aside_). Release her hand! Come, I like that! I wish she'd let go of _mine_ (_trying to disengage his hand, then catching another glimpse of SIR F., who by signs encourages him to proceed. Aloud_). Release this hand? Not till I've finished! Loved one! let us fly; horses are waiting--flashing express--distant clime--Seringapatam--Madagascar--the Sandwich Islands--anywhere.

LADY F. (_with pretended emotion and an affecting faintness_). A sudden faintness (_leaning against VALLANCE_); oh, support me!

SIR F. (_looking out_). Holloa! holloa!

LADY F. (_looking up in ARTHUR'S face, and with mock sentimentality_). Oh! Arthur, Arthur!

SIR F. (_behind_). Damn it, she calls him Arthur!

ARTH. (_aside_). I've been getting on _too_ fast!

LADY F. (_pathetically to VALLANCE_). Spare my blushes; I guess all you would say.

ARTH. (_aside_). Do you? That's lucky, for _I'm_ regularly stumped.

LADY F. (_suddenly grasping VALLANCE by the wrist and dragging him forward, almost upsetting him_). Listen! my husband is not unkind, though he might be kinder; he is not ill-looking, indeed, he _might_ be uglier; _but_ he has one terrible defect. (_SIR F. here leans forward and listens._) He really flatters himself that he possesses a fund of wit; that he is literally running over with fun; whereas the poor man really doesn't possess a single particle of either. It's very sad, isn't it?

ARTH. Melancholy in the extreme.

LADY F. And I'm sure, as for humor--

ARTH. He's just about as much in him as an old cab horse! (_FELIX shakes his fist at VALLANCE._)

LADY F. But alas! for every one of his dismal jokes that _you_ hear _I_ am doomed to listen to a hundred! Is it to be wondered at, then, that I should pant, _crave_ for a change?--(_gradually getting more excited_)--that I should find the temptation you offer me too great to resist?

ARTH. (_aghast_). Eh! what? You don't mean to say you consent?

LADY F. Of course I do! (_with enthusiasm_). What woman _could_ resist the Sandwich Islands, and _you_ for a companion! In five minutes expect me here on this spot. Give me but time to pack up my jewels, a dozen or two dresses, and a sprinkling of hats, and I'll be with you, my Arthur! (_Going--stops._) You won't mind my bringing my favorite little pug-dog, of course you won't--(_going--stops again_)--and a couple of kittens--a thousand thanks--and you won't object to putting the parrot cage under your arm? I thought not.

[_Runs hastily out at L. H._

(_During the above scene COSEY occasionally shows his head above
the back of the couch and withdraws it again._)

ARTH. A parrot cage under my arm all the way to the Sandwich Islands! (_Shouting after LADY F._) Stop! madam, Lady Fritterly, don't hurry yourself; take your own time--one hour, two hours, six weeks, any time you like. Wheugh! here's a pretty state of affairs; catch me running off with another man's couple of kittens--I mean wives--no, _wife_ again! (_thrusting both hands into his trousers-pockets and walking violently to and fro, then flings himself into a chair at L. SIR FELIX hurries down and drops into a chair at R. COLONEL rolls off the end of couch enveloped in antimacassars, and seats himself in chair at C. All pull out their white pocket-handkerchiefs, and indulge in extravagant business, etc._).

ARTH. (_not seeing them_). Poor Sir Felix!--a pretty kettle of fish _he's_ made of it! I've been too fascinating!

SIR F. (_coming hurriedly down_). Don't talk nonsense, sir! But of course this is all a joke! Why don't you say it's all a joke?

ARTH. It's anything but a joke for _me!_--all the way to the Sandwich Isles with a parrot cage under my arm!--how would you like it?

SIR F. Pshaw! you carried the thing too far, sir!--a devilish deal too far!

ARTH. Come, I like that! I only did what you told me!--except that I didn't tear my hair out by handfuls!

COL. (_counting his pulse_). A hundred and twenty at the very least! (_tossing a couple of pills into his mouth--then to VALLANCE_). Now, sir, what do you mean by making love to Lady Fritterly, and proposing an elopement to her? It's scandalous, sir!

ARTH. Not the slightest doubt about it, uncle! but I only did it to oblige Sir Felix!

COL. _Oblige_ Sir Felix by running off with his wife?

ARTH. Yes! in order to show you what a _desperate_ dog I had become, so that you might put me out of the way of temptation by consenting to my marriage with Myrtle! But now--(_with a deep sigh_)--that's all knocked on the head!

SIR F. How so?

ARTH. Because, my dear fellow, your wife having accepted, I am bound, as a man of honor, to run away with her!

COL. (_turning to SIR F._). Of course, as a man of honor, we're bound to run away with her!

ARTH. A lady--(_here COLONEL turns to him_)--for whom I entertain the highest respect!

COL. (_turning to SIR F._). A lady for whom we entertain the highest respect!

ARTH. But--(_here COLONEL turns again to him_)--for whom I don't care two pins!

COL. (_turning to SIR F._). But for whom we don't care two pins!

SIR F. (_fiercely to COLONEL_). You needn't be insulting by associating Lady Fritterly with that paltry amount of haberdashery!

COL. (_feeling his pulse_). I shall be in a raging fever presently! (_two more pills_). What's to be done? (_To VALLANCE._) Recollect you've got to ascertain when the next train starts for the Sandwich Islands!

ARTH. Hang it, Sir Felix! can't you suggest something? I look to you, with your extravagant devices, to extricate me!

COL. (_to SIR F._). Yes, sir! We insist on your extricating us from your extravagant devices!

SIR F. Well, I confess I've made a slight mistake this time, but all isn't lost. Lady Fritterly will be here directly, when I flatter myself she'll hear something to _her_ advantage--(_looking off at C._) Here comes Myrtle!--couldn't be better! Now then, hide yourselves--both of you!

ARTH. Certainly not!

COL. Certainly not!

ARTH. Another of your infernal schemes! If this fails, I really _shall_ do something desperate! (_During this SIR FELIX has been edging him up towards curtains, and at last pushes him behind them at R._)

COL. (_in a helpless tone_). My system won't survive this sort of thing! I'm sure it won't.

SIR F. (_hurrying down_). Now, colonel, on to your couch before Myrtle sees you! (_edging him up towards couch_).

COL. (_resisting_). But I don't want to go to sleep! I'm thoroughly wide-awake.

SIR F. Nonsense! (_forces COLONEL on couch, and heaping pillows over him_).

COL. (_showing his head_). Tuck me up if you like, but, confound it, don't smother me! (_keeps rising, SIR FELIX pushing him down again at each attempt_).

ARTH. (_putting his head out from curtain_). Sir Felix!

COL. (_showing his head above couch_). Sir Felix! (_SIR F. seizes the nearest pillow and throws it at COLONEL'S head_).

SIR F. Silence! both of you!

_Enter MYRTLE at door L. H._

MYRT. (_laughing aside as she enters_). Ha! ha! poor Sir Felix! Grace has told me all, and I am to humor the joke, while she watches the result from the conservatory!

(_During the following, until LADY F.'S entrance, the COLONEL
shows his head occasionally above the back of the couch, but
withdraws it again at a sign from SIR FELIX._)

SIR F. (_aside_). Now for it--(_coming down--takes MYRTLE'S hand, and in an exaggerated tone of grief_). Myrtle! Myrtle! in me you behold a broken-hearted husband!

MYRT. (_aside_). Very well acted, indeed! (_Aloud, and in a pretended tone of commiseration_). Broken-hearted?

SIR F. When I say "broken-hearted," I don't wish you to infer that the centre of my organic functions is snapped in half like a stick of firewood--far from it, Myrtle. But I'm broken-hearted for all that!

MYRT. Absurd! while you have Grace and me to console you!

SIR F. Grace no longer. She has deserted me, and for young Vallance! (_falling into chair and burying his face in his hands_).

_Here LADY F. appears at C., listening._

SIR F. (_peeping out at the corner of his handkerchief, and seeing her. Aside_). She's there! (_Aloud._) Yes, Myrtle, I'm a wretched, abandoned man!

MYRT. You can't be serious?

SIR F. It's too true!

MYRT. What--what do you intend doing?

SIR F. I did think of shooting the young man!--but it'll be a far greater punishment to let him live! Think what the poor, unhappy youth will have to suffer from Grace's "little bits of temper!" poor devil! I know what _I_ had to go through. (_LADY F. shakes her hand at SIR F._)

MYRT. But surely you will try and prevent Grace's departure?

SIR F. (_indifferently_). I think not!--better as it is. I'm getting used to the idea! I confess it was I who advised Vallance to make just a certain little amount of love to my wife in order to excite your jealousy and show you what energy the young man was capable of; but I must confess I was not at all prepared for the perfect torrent of impassioned eloquence with which he poured forth his _unhallowed_ flame! (_Here VALLANCE shakes both his fists at SIR F._)

SIR F. Besides, Myrtle, _dear_ Myrtle, as you very sensibly observed just now, shall I not have _you_ to console me? (_with an exaggerated tender look_).

MYRT. (_alarmed_). Me?

SIR F. Why not? Your lover doesn't care a pin's point about you, or he wouldn't have agreed to my plan. My wife has about the same amount of affection for _me,_ or she'd have withered him up with her scorn at the first go-off. This sort of thing! (_putting on a haughty and scornful look_).

MYRT. Well, what then?

SIR F. Can you ask? Oh, my Myrtle! my beloved Myrtle--behold me at your feet! (_falling on both his knees and seizing her hand. Aside._) If Grace stands this, I'm a New Zealander!

MYRT. Monster! (_flinging SIR FELIX from her, who falls on his face. LADY FRITTERLY and VALLANCE hurry down_).

LADY F. So, Sir Felix Fritterly!

ARTH. So, Sir Felix Fritterly!

SIR F. (_getting up quietly and dusting his knees with his pocket-handkerchief. Then suddenly bursting out into a loud laugh_). Ha, ha, ha! Surely, my dear Grace, you didn't really think I was in earnest?

LADY F. (_smiling_). As much in earnest, probably, as you thought me. (_SIR FELIX takes her hand and kisses it._)

ARTH. (_joyously to LADY F._). Then you don't love me after all? You won't insist on my accompanying you to the Sandwich Islands?

LADY F. (_drawing herself up_). Mr. Vallance! (_To SIR FELIX._) Well, I confess you have the best of the game.

SIR F. _And_ the last laugh!

ARTH. Myrtle, have I fulfilled your conditions? have I shown some little amount of energy?

MYRT. Yes, with a vengeance!

ARTH. And may I hope--

SIR F. Have him now, Myrtle, while you can get him!

LADY F. Keep her to her promise, Mr. Vallance!

ARTH. Gladly! But it all depends on my uncle how soon!

SIR F. Then he shall decide at once! Turn out, old tortoise! (_Wheels couch round to face the audience, and pulling off the antimacassars, etc._) Hang me if he isn't fast asleep! Wake up! (_tickling COLONEL with the feather brush_).

COL. All right! Bring me my shaving-water! (_Sitting up, and looking about him._) Holloa!

ARTH. Have you forgotten all about the elopement, uncle?

COL. Elopement! Why, you ought to have been half way to the Sandwich Islands by this time!

ARTH. Ha! ha! We've arranged that little matter differently.

COL. (_crustily_). Then what the deuce did you wake me up for?

SIR F. To let you go off to sleep again in a more comfortable frame of mind.

LADY F. Come, colonel! Arthur's desperately in love with Myrtle.

SIR F. And Myrtle's over head and ears in love with--

MYRT. (_interrupting him_). Felix!

SIR F. With herself! They only wait your benediction.

COL. Bother the benediction! I'll settle a thousand a year on them!

SIR F. (_shaking his hand_). The most sensible thing you've said for a long time; and now you may go to sleep again as soon as you like.

COL. Thank you! (_Feeling his pulse._) Ninety! That's better!

SIR F. But a word at parting here! (_To audience._) How account for our eccentric behavior? Shall we boldly forestall the critics and say at once--

MYRT. Quite foreign in sentiment--

ARTH. Obviously borrowed from our lively neighbors--

COL. (_sententiously_). Possessing all their levity with regard to those domestic ties--

LADY F. (_putting her hand over his mouth_). In short--Taken from the French!

CURTAIN FALLS.

DECLINED--WITH THANKS.

_Original Farce, in One Act._

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

MR. GRITTY.

CAPTAIN TAUNTON.

EDWARD MALLINGFORD.

MR. SAMUEL SKRUFF.

SPRONKS'S BOY.

FLORENCE HALLIDAY, } } (GRITTY'S nieces.) HETTY HALLIDAY. }

SALLY, a servant.

SCENE.--_Exterior of a villa on the banks of the Thames at Teddington--house partly seen at L. H.--a low green railing round it, in C. of which is a small garden gate--rustic seats, flower-beds, etc., scattered about stage--garden wall at R. H.--door in C.--large portable bell hanging over it--bell heard and seen to ring--noise of voices in dispute heard outside._

SKRUFF (_without_). Don't tell me! I saw you do it! You needn't apologize! What do you say--"You ain't a-going to?" Very well! (_another violent ring at bell_).

_Enter SALLY from house and crossing to R._

SALLY. Who can it be ringing in that style, I wonder? (_opens door in C. of wall_).

_SKRUFF enters hurriedly, holding his handkerchief to his face;
he wears a white hat, red scarf, white waistcoat, cutaway coat,
and very gay trousers; carries an umbrella._

SKRUFF (_walking up and down_). The young vagabond deliberately put his toe on a loose stone and squirted half a pint of muddy water into my eye! I saw him do it. He must be an old hand at it too, or he wouldn't have taken such a good aim; but, luckily, I spied his name on his basket, and if I don't spoil his trade for potatoes in this establishment my name's not Skruff! (_Takes out a note-book and writes in it "Spronks."_) There! and now, Spronks, my boy, look out for squalls! Some people may like being insulted with impunity--I don't.

SALLY (_who has been following SKRUFF to and fro the stage, at last stops him by the coat-tail_). Now, then! what's your business, young man?

SKRUFF. "Young man!"

SALLY. If you've come for the water-rate--or the gas--or the sewers--you must call again!

SKRUFF. Water-rate! Gas! Are you aware, young woman, that you're addressing a gentleman?

SALLY. You don't mean it? Well, that's about the last thing I should have thought of! It only shows one mustn't always judge by appearances.

SKRUFF (_with importance_). I happen to be a friend of your master's.

SALLY. Well, I _am_ surprised--'cause master's so very particular--then how came you to ring the servants' bell?

SKRUFF (_aside_). I never _shall_ get out of that habit--been used to it so long, I suppose. (_Aloud._) Is Mr. Gritty down?

SALLY. Can't say, I'm sure, sir--but I know he ain't up.

SKRUFF. Oh! at what time does he usually get up?

SALLY. Well, sir, that depends; but, as a rule, I've observed he usually gets up about his usual time.

SKRUFF. Does he indeed? (_Aside._) There's a flippancy about this young woman I don't like. (_Aloud._) Perhaps the young ladies, Mr. Gritty's nieces, are down?

SALLY. Can't say positively, sir--but I know they ain't up.

SKRUFF (_aside_). I shall not interrogate this domestic any further. (_Aloud._) Will you inform Mr. Gritty, with my compliments, that I have called to see him?

SALLY. Certainly, sir--but--

SKRUFF (_impressively_). I repeat, Will you inform Mr. Gritty that I have called? Do you think you can manage that?

SALLY. Well, sir, don't you think it would be as well just to mention the name? Do you think you can manage that? Shall I take your card, sir?

SKRUFF. Yes! (_taking out card-case_). No! (_Aside._) Cards cost a shilling a hundred. Why should I waste one on people I've hardly ever seen. (_Aloud._) You can say--"Mr. Samuel Skruff." Do you think you can remember that?

SALLY. "Skruff!" Not likely to forget it, sir--such an aristocratic name. (_Bringing forward a three-legged rustic seat._) Like to sit down, sir?

GRITTY (_heard from house at L._). Sally! My shaving water!--hot! all hot!

SALLY. Coming, sir!

[_Runs into house L._

SKRUFF. Her name's Sally, is it? (_writing in note-book_). Down goes Sally along-side of Spronks. (_Seats himself and almost tumbles over._) What the deuce does old Gritty mean by having such rickety things as this about the premises?--to do a good turn to the wooden-leg makers, I suppose! (_Sitting down very cautiously._) Now let me see what I've come down here for (_consults note-book_). Here we have it! (_Reads._) "Florence Halliday," "Hetty Halliday"--old Gritty's two nieces. The fact is, dad wants to see me settled; that is, if I can make a good thing out of it! Well, he's just heard on the extreme quiet that one of the young ladies is very soon coming in for £10,000!--unluckily he doesn't know which of the two--so, on the strength of a former business acquaintance with old Gritty, he has trotted me down here to ferret the secret out, and if I get hold of the right scent I am to go the entire animal at once!--not likely I should waste any time about courtship and all that sort of thing. Not I! Only let me worm out which of the two has got the tin, and I'll marry her to-morrow morning!--I can't say fairer than that! (_Looking about him._) Rather a niceish sort of place this! must have cost something! I hope old Gritty can afford it. Father says he was always fond of squandering his money and doing good. Doing good!--what is it, after all?--getting up a vainglorious reputation at the expense of people who stick to their money!

GRITTY (_without, at L._). In the garden, is he? All right! I'll find him!

_Enter GRITTY from villa L. H._

GRITTY. Where is he? (_he is in his morning-gown, and wears a wide-brimmed straw hat--sees SKRUFF_). Ah! my dear Samuel--(_seizing and shaking SKRUFF'S hand violently_)--delighted to see you, Samuel--for I suppose you are Samuel--eh, Samuel? And how's your father, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. And your mother, too, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. And your sisters--and your uncles--and your aunts--and all the rest of 'em--eh, Samuel?

SKRUFF. Quite well, thank you, Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. Bless me, what a time it is since I've seen any of you--and to think that your father and I were partners when you were a baby--and a precious ugly little brat you were! I don't see much alteration in you _now,_ Samuel--I mean, not for the better. Yes, "Gritty & Skruff," that was the name of the firm--"tailors"--"Conduit Street"--and a capital business it was, too--and is so still, I hope.

SKRUFF. Yes; better than ever. Father's made heaps more money since you retired! Trade's altered completely!

GRITTY. Has it? When I was in it we gave a first-rate article, paid good wages, and were satisfied with a fair profit.

SKRUFF. We manage matters better than that _now!_

GRITTY. How so?

SKRUFF. By adding the profit on to both ends. Putting down the wages and putting up the prices.

GRITTY. Well, well, every one to his taste! Your father chose London smoke and slaving on to amass a fortune. _I_ preferred fresh air and a moderate competence, and so we parted. You'll stay and dine with us to-day, of course?

SKRUFF. Thank you, Mr. Gritty. (_Aside_). I put a paper of sandwiches in my pocket. Never mind, they'll keep a day or two.

GRITTY. And after dinner you can tell me to what I'm indebted for the pleasure of this visit. (_Suddenly_). By-the-bye, you'll have a glass of wine? Of course you will! (_Calling._) Sally! bring in that decanter of port out of the sideboard!

SKRUFF (_aside_). What extravagance!

GRITTY. Ha! ha! I remember I never could get your father to drink anything stronger than raspberry vinegar drowned in water--and what a wretched looking object he was!--the color of gingerbread and as thin as a pair of nut-crackers! Do you know, Samuel, the more I look at you the more you remind me of him?

_Enter SALLY from house with decanter and wine-glasses on a tray,
which she places on a small table in C.--GRITTY sits L. and
SKRUFF R. Exit SALLY into house._

GRITTY (_pouring out a glass of wine_). There, Samuel--tell me what you think of that (_SKRUFF sips the wine_). Zounds, man, it won't hurt you, down with it! (_SKRUFF takes down the wine at a gulp, almost choking himself._)

GRITTY (_after tossing off his glass of wine_). How the deuce is it that my old friend Skruff hasn't found his way down to see me all these years?

SKRUFF. Well, the fact is, Mr. Gritty, my father has often talked of paying you a visit-- Thank you, I don't mind taking just one more glass (_holding out his glass to GRITTY, who fills it--SKRUFF tosses it down._) Let me see--I was saying--

GRITTY. That your father has often talked of paying me a visit.

SKRUFF. Exactly--but the fact is-- Well, since you insist upon it, I don't mind just _half_ a glass more (_holding out his glass--GRITTY fills it half full._)

GRITTY. I think you said _half_ a glass?

SKRUFF. Did I?--far be it from me to contradict you, but--(_GRITTY laughs and fills up SKRUFF'S glass, which SKRUFF again tosses off._)

GRITTY. Now you haven't told me why my old friend hasn't been down to see me all these years.

SKRUFF. Well, the fact is, it's such an awful expense to get down here!

GRITTY. What! from Putney to Teddington--eighteenpence second-class return? Surely that wouldn't have ruined him!

SKRUFF (_aside_). If ever old Gritty becomes my uncle-in-law, I shall have to put a stop to all these extravagant notions of his.

GRITTY. Well, it seems _you_ didn't grudge the expense.

SKRUFF. Not a bit of it, because I didn't go to it! I got a lift in our butcher's cart to Richmond--then on to Twickenham with a benevolent baker, and walked the rest.

GRITTY (_aside_). A careful young man this! but I'm afraid my old friend has made a trifling mistake in his calculations. He used to say it was time enough to make a gentleman when you'd made your money--but in my opinion, a man can't begin a bit too soon! (_Aloud._) Now, Sammy, come and take a stroll round the grounds, and I'll introduce you to my nieces, a couple of nice girls, Sammy! I hope you're a lady's man (_poking him in the ribs_), ha! ha!

SKRUFF. Well, as a _rule,_ the sex _is_ rather partial to me!--ha! ha! (_giving GRITTY a poke in the ribs_).

GRITTY. Is it? Well, there's no accounting for taste!

SKRUFF. You see, father's well off--and the pickings 'll be uncommon good when the old boy pops off!--a great attraction to the female mind, Mr. Gritty!

GRITTY. I dare say; but luckily, my girls will not have to look to _money_ as the main thing! (_Looking round, and then in a confidential whisper to SKRUFF._) Ten thousand pounds, left by a rich old aunt! which may probably fall to--

SKRUFF (_very eagerly_). Yes! to--to--

GRITTY (_in a whisper_). Florence!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Oh! that's the one, is it? (_Writing aside in note-book._) Then down she goes, "Sally! Spronks! Florence!"

GRITTY (_continuing_). Unless, indeed--

SKRUFF (_quickly_). Unless, indeed, what?

GRITTY. Hetty should turn out to be the lucky one!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Who's to make head or tail out of this? (_Aloud._) Then you don't exactly know which of the two it is?

GRITTY. No, but I _shall,_ as soon as Hetty comes of age, by which time, by-the-bye, both the girls must, according to the terms of the will, be married.

SKRUFF. Oh! (_Aside._) It strikes me this is a dodge to get the two girls off with one legacy! (_Aloud._) And when _does_ Miss Hetty come of age?

GRITTY. In ten days.

SKRUFF. Ten days? Rather a short time to provide two husbands in?

GRITTY. Not at all! They're already provided!--both of 'em!

SKRUFF. Already provided! (_Aside._) And this is what I get for coming down here and wasting my income in travelling expenses! but I'll make a fight of it yet! If they think they're going to walk over the course they'll find themselves mistaken! (_Aloud._) And what sort of articles are these young chaps, eh? You can't be too particular in selecting the _pattern,_ Mr. Gritty.

GRITTY. Oh, they're all right!--nice gentlemanly young fellows!

SKRUFF. Take care, Mr. Gritty!--I know pretty well what the general run of "gentlemanly young fellows" is!--they're uncommon fond of running long tailors' bills!

GRITTY. Well, you shall judge for yourself--they both dine here to-day!

SKRUFF. To-day? (_Aside._) Then I haven't much time to lose if I'm to cut 'em out! (_Aloud._) You haven't told me their names.

GRITTY. Oh! one is a military man, Captain Taunton of the Buffs--the other, Edward Mallingford, of the War Office!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Don't remember either of their names--but they're sure to be in debt somewhere or other--if I only had time to find out _where!_ (_Aloud._) And pray, which is which destined for, Mr. Gritty? (_Aside._) It's important for me to know that! (_taking out his pocket-book on the sly_).

GRITTY. Oh, there's no secret about it--Florence is engaged to-- (_Seeing FLORENCE, who enters from house._) Oh! here she comes! And Hetty is going to marry--and here _she_ comes (_seeing HETTY, who follows FLORENCE from house_).

GRITTY. Come here, my dears! (_FLORENCE and HETTY come down_). The son of my old partner, Mr. Samuel Skruff. (_Introducing._) Mr. Samuel Skruff--my nieces--Miss Florence Halliday, Miss Hetty Halliday. (_FLORENCE and HETTY courtesy._)

SKRUFF (_bowing_). Firm of Skruff & Son, Miss Florence! first-rate business, Miss Hetty! (_To FLORENCE._) Our 13_s._ trousers is a fortune in itself! (_To HETTY._) And as to our everlasting wear fabric, which we advertise so extensively, it is simply all plunder! (_following HETTY and addressing her apart with much gesticulation, while FLORENCE comes down to GRITTY_).

FLOR. Oh! uncle, dear! why do you ask your dreadful tailoring acquaintances here? Do try and get rid of this vulgar little man before Captain Taunton comes, or he'll think he's a relation!

[_Retires up._

SKRUFF (_aside_). I'm getting on first-rate (_joining FLORENCE, while HETTY comes down_).

HETTY (_to GRITTY_). If this odious creature Skruff stays, you really must let him have his dinner in the kitchen. I dare say he's used to it, Edward would be perfectly horrified at his vulgarity.

GRITTY. Can't do that, my dear, but I'll relieve you of his presence as much as I can! (_To SKRUFF._) Now, Samuel, as you've made the acquaintance of the ladies, suppose we take a turn round the garden! (_taking SKRUFF'S arm_).

FLOR. By all means, Mr. Skruff; there's such a beautiful view of the river from the lawn, Mr. Skruff!

HETTY. And we've such a nice boat, Mr. Skruff!

FLOR. You can paddle yourself about in it for hours, Mr. Skruff!

HETTY. Yes, the longer the better, Mr. Skruff!

GRITTY. Come along, Sammy! (_twisting SKRUFF round--SKRUFF resisting_).

HETTY. Good-bye, Mr. Skruff!

FLOR. Ta, ta, Mr. Skruff! (_GRITTY drags SKRUFF off, struggling at R._)

FLOR. Well, Hetty?

HETTY. Well, Florence?

FLOR. Were you ever introduced to such an objectionable individual before?

HETTY. Never! and the creature evidently shows symptoms of falling in love.

FLOR. With me?

HETTY. With you? Don't flatter yourself! with _me!_ He was on the point of saying something very tender to me when you jealously monopolized his attention!

FLOR. Nonsense! I'm sure he was about to declare his passion for me when you cruelly dragged him away!

HETTY. Then it's quite clear he means to marry one of us! If he honors _me_ with the preference, I must refer him to Mallingford, ha! ha!

FLOR. And if he pops to _me,_ he'll have to settle the matter with Captain Taunton, ha! ha! ha!

_Here CAPTAIN TAUNTON'S head appears above the wall at R._

TAUNT. Good-morning, ladies! Will you open the door or shall I storm the fortress? (_HETTY runs and opens door R.; TAUNTON enters_). Now, ladies, may I ask the cause of all this merriment, and whether there is any objection to my sharing in the joke?

FLOR. None at all, Harry; it simply means that Hetty is likely to become "Mrs. Samuel Skruff" _vice_ "Edward Mallingford," cashiered.

HETTY. Don't be quite so positive, because it isn't _quite_ decided yet whether it will not be "Samuel Skruff" _vice_ "Henry Taunton." He's a tailor, and a capital hand at cutting out.

TAUNT. A very bad joke that (_they all laugh_); but of course you can't be serious?

HETTY. That will entirely depend, most gallant captain, on whether you are prepared to resign your pretensions! Your rival is a regular fire-eater, I can assure you.

TAUNT. And consequently one who would stand any amount of--kicking, eh?

FLOR. Ha! ha! But don't you think it's high time we dropped the tailor?

TAUNT. Certainly!

HETTY. Carried _nem. con._--"of Samuel Skruff we've had enough."

FLOR. But tell me, Harry, have you arranged for the payment of the thousand pounds?

TAUNT. Yes! and upon the most favorable terms.

FLOR. Then, not a single word to uncle on the subject until we give you permission. Remember that!

HETTY. Well, I must run away. You'll have some little compassion on poor Mr. Skruff, won't you, Florence? ha! ha! ha!

[_Exit laughing into house L. H._

TAUNT. Now, perhaps you'll enlighten me! Who the deuce is Skruff? Explain this Skruff.

FLOR. All I know of the interesting object of your inquiry is that he is the son of an old friend of my uncle's; that the object of his visit here is to make a conquest, on the shortest possible notice, either of Hetty or your humble servant!

TAUNT. (_savagely_). Let Skruff beware how he poaches on my manor!

GRITTY (_heard without_). Now then, Florry, Hetty, where the deuce are you?

FLOR. There's uncle calling; come along, Harry, I know how anxious you must be to make Mr. Skruff's acquaintance--ha! ha!

[_Exeunt FLORENCE and TAUNTON at back R._

_Enter SKRUFF hurriedly at back from L._

SKRUFF. Confound old Gritty! Wouldn't let me go till he'd dragged me through several acres of lettuces and spring onions; consequently the girls have vanished and I've lost my chance. Wish to goodness I knew which of the two was to have the money (_bell rings_).

SKRUFF (_opening gate R. and seeing SPRONKS'S boy with basket on his arm_). The youthful Spronks again. Come in!

SPRONKS (_entering, then giving the basket to SKRUFF_). Them's the taters and them's the ignuns!

SKRUFF. Of course; do you suppose I don't know a tater from an ignun? (_Aside._) I'll see if I can't pump a little information out of Spronks! (_Aloud._) Been long in the neighborhood, Spronks?

SPRONKS. Ever since I've been in it, sir!

SKRUFF. Have you indeed?--then of course you know something about Mr. Gritty, eh?

SPRONKS. I know he's a downright trump, and has always got a shilling to spare for them as wants it!--_I_ wants one dreadful bad just now! (_going--stops_). Now don't you go and forget--them's the taters--(_going_).

SKRUFF. Stop a minute!--there's--twopence for you! (_giving money to SPRONKS'S boy, who turns to go_). Don't be in such a hurry. (_Confidentially._) I dare say you hear a good deal of tattle from the servants, eh? (_patting boy familiarly on the back_)--here's another twopence for you!--now about the money that's coming to the young ladies--do you happen to have heard which of the two is likely to have it?

SPRONKS (_looking round mysteriously_). Well! I don't mind telling you all I know!

SKRUFF. That's right--here's another twopence for you! Now then (_taking out his note-book_).

SPRONKS. Well, sir--I've been making no end of inquiries about it from servants and tradespeople, and at last I've found out--

SKRUFF (_eagerly_). Yes! yes!

SPRONKS. That I know just as much about it now as before I began--ha! ha! ha! (_runs up to gate--stops_). Don't go and forget which is the taters!

[_Runs out._

SKRUFF. That boy will end his days in penal servitude!

_Enter SALLY from house._

SALLY. How late that boy is with the vegetables!

SKRUFF. Here they are, Sally--I took 'em in! (_giving SALLY the basket_)--them's the taters!

SALLY. Thank'ee sir (_going_).

SKRUFF. Stop a minute, Sally! Do you know, I've taken quite a fancy to give you a shilling? (_SALLY hurries back_). (_Aside._) That eagerness to collar the shilling convinces me that sixpence would have been enough! (_Aloud._) Been long in the Gritty family, Sally?

SALLY. Ever since I first came, sir--not before.

SKRUFF. That's a remarkable fact!--find yourself comfortable here, eh, Sally?

SALLY. Nothing much to complain of, sir; twelve pounds a year, everything found--except beer--and every other Sunday!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Except beer and every other Sunday! (_Aloud._) And your young ladies, Sally. They treat you kindly, eh?

SALLY. Yes, sir. We get on very comfortably, my young Missussesses and me.

SKRUFF (_aside._) She gets on very comfortably, her young Missussesses and she.

SALLY. They give me their old dresses and does their own hair.

SKRUFF. Oh! they does their own hair, does they? Ah! (_with intention_). It's a nice thing, Sally, to come in for a hatful of money, eh?

SALLY. Yes, sir. Ever so much nicer than sixpence?

SKRUFF. Ah! _Miss Hetty_ will be a fortunate girl, eh?

SALLY. Think so, sir?

SKRUFF. Unless, indeed, _Miss Florence_ should be the lucky one? Now tell me, if you were a betting man, which color would you bet on?

SALLY. Well, I think I should take the _fair_ one for choice!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Hetty, evidently.

SALLY. Unless the _dark_ one should happen to come in first--but you can't expect me to say any more for sixpence.

SKRUFF. Then the sixpence will have to stay where it was! (_Pockets the coin._)

SALLY. All right! dare say you want it a deal more than I do! (_Going--stops, and bobbing a courtesy._) Please sir, which did you say was the taters?--ha! ha!

[_Runs off into house._

SKRUFF (_looking after her_). There goes another candidate for penal servitude! This sort of thing won't do. I _must_ make up my mind one way or the other, so I'll make a bold stroke for Hetty and chance it! (_During this speech HETTY has entered at L.--stops and listens._)

HETTY. So, so! Then I must prepare myself for an equally bold resistance (_coming forward humming a tune_).

SKRUFF (_seeing her_). Ah, Miss Hetty!

HETTY. Ah, Mr. Skruff!

SKRUFF. Do you know, Miss Hetty, I'm quite pleased with this little place of your uncle's!--there's something about it--a sort of a kind of a--umph!

HETTY. Yes. I have noticed myself that there's something about it--a sort of a kind of a--(_imitating SKRUFF_).

SKRUFF. In short, it's the sort of place one could live in altogether--I shouldn't mind it _myself_--but not _alone!_ (_with a tender look at HETTY_).

HETTY (_with pretended sentimentality_). Of course not, Mr. Skruff! "Who would inhabit this bleak world alone?" You would require a companion--with beauty--amiability--and--

SKRUFF (_sentimentally_). Ten thousand pounds! (_Aside._) Neatly suggested!

HETTY. Ten thousand pounds! Why, that's a fortune, Mr. Samuel!

SKRUFF (_aside_). _Mr. Samuel!_ She's coming round! By Jove! I'll risk it--neck or nothing, here goes! (_suddenly seizing HETTY'S hand._) If _you_ had ten thousand pounds, Miss Hetty--do you think you could be happy with a gentleman like me? (_very sentimentally_).

HETTY (_aside_). A positive declaration! (_hiding her face in her handkerchief to conceal her laughter--then trying to release her hand_). Release my hand!--I beg!--I implore! If Captain Taunton should see us--

SKRUFF (_aside_). Captain Taunton!--the fellow that old Gritty was talking about!--after Hetty, is he? That's a sure sign the money lies in this quarter! (_Aloud._) Ah, Miss Hetty--these military gents seldom come to any good!--I should strongly advise you to give him up! I should indeed!--if he's a _gentleman,_ he won't make any fuss about it!

HETTY. Ah, Mr. Skruff, you don't know the captain--his very quietest moments are characterized by the most savage ferocity. Tell me (_seizing his arm_), can you shoot?

SKRUFF. Well, I used to be considered quite a crack shot at the bull's-eye!

HETTY. At the Wimbledon meeting?

SKRUFF. No! at the end of a barrow--for nuts!

HETTY. That's nothing! The captain can snuff a candle with a bullet at thirty paces!

SKRUFF. Can he? but doesn't he find that rather an inconvenient substitute for snuffers?

TAUNT. (_heard without at R._). Good-bye, then, for the present.

HETTY (_starting, and pretending alarm_). Ah! his voice--my absence has excited his suspicions--should he find us together we are lost! Break the painful intelligence to him gently--but be firm, Samuel, be firm! (_Aside._) Now to tell Florence.

[_Runs into house L._

SKRUFF. On second thoughts, perhaps I'd better not break the painful intelligence to him on our first interview, it would hardly be delicate. Besides, I really shouldn't like to commit an act of violence on Gritty's premises--it wouldn't be the right thing to do! Here he comes! I'll pretend not to notice him! (_Seats himself at back at L., and taking out a newspaper, which he pretends to read._)

_Enter CAPTAIN TAUNTON at back from R._

TAUNT. (_not seeing SKRUFF_). Yes! There is no doubt about it, it certainly _was_ risking a good deal to raise that one thousand pounds; but who could resist Florence's entreaties. One thing is quite certain--Mr. Gritty must know nothing about it.

SKRUFF (_watching him over his newspaper_). Old Gritty must know nothing about _what?_

TAUNT. The old gentleman has such a horror of accommodation-bills!

SKRUFF. Oh! oh! accommodation-bills, eh? That's your little game, my fine fellow, is it? I've got him safe enough now, and can split upon him at any time. I wonder what he's reading? (_Seeing TAUNTON, rises and comes cautiously down behind him to look over his shoulder at the letter--stumbles._)

TAUNT. (_looking round--aside_). The tailor! (_Aloud._) Perhaps you would like to read my private letters, sir?

SKRUFF. I should, very much-- I mean no, of course not.

TAUNT. What were you going to say, Mr.--Stuff?

SKRUFF. Skruff! (_Aside._) I wish Miss Hetty had broken the "painful intelligence" to him herself. I don't relish the idea of being "snuffed out" at thirty paces. Never mind, I'll risk it. (_Aloud._) Captain Taunton, I believe?

TAUNT. Well, sir, what then? (_angrily_).

SKRUFF. Now don't be jumping down my throat because I've an unpleasant duty to perform. In a word--I deeply regret to inform you--

TAUNT. (_fiercely_). _You,_ sir?

SKRUFF. I mean. Miss Halliday begs me to inform you--

TAUNT. (_impetuously_). Go on!

SKRUFF. I'm going to go on, sir.

TAUNT. Miss Halliday begs you to inform me--what?

SKRUFF. That when she accepted you as a friend of the family she had no intention whatever of accepting you as a _husband_--and _now,_ she _thinks_--I mean, _imagines_--I should say, _believes,_ she's made a slight mistake, because she finds she likes somebody else _better._

TAUNT. What! (_seizing SKRUFF by the collar and shaking him._)

SKRUFF. It's no use giving way to your "savage ferocity," sir; if you don't believe me, you'd better go and ask Miss Hetty yourself.

TAUNT. (_leaving hold of SKRUFF_). _Hetty!_ Did you say Hetty? (_Aside._) One of her practical jokes evidently. Ha! ha! ha! (_Pulls out his handkerchief and uses it to conceal his laughter, and at the same time drops the letter on stage._)

SKRUFF (_in a compassionate tone to TAUNTON, who has still got his handkerchief to his face, and patting him commiseratingly on the back_). Now don't go and make yourself miserable because another fellow has stepped into the ten thousand pounds!

TAUNT. (_aside_). The mercenary rascal! I see Hetty's "little game" now.

SKRUFF. Keep your pecker up, noble captain. I didn't mean to cut you out, upon my life I didn't!

TAUNT. (_aside_). I'll humor the fellow. (_Aloud, and with a very deep sigh._) Well, Mr.--Mr.--

SKRUFF. One moment (_presents card to TAUNTON_).

TAUNT. (_reading_). "Skruff--Tailor--Conduit Street. Orders promptly attended to." Your information, Mr. Skruff, I confess, is not a pleasant one! Far from it, Mr. Skruff! (_gives a very deep sigh_).

SKRUFF. Now don't go on sighing like that, or you'll be doing yourself some frightful internal injury!

TAUNT. Hetty will make you a good wife, Mr. Skruff, and a good mother to the little Skruffs, Mr. Skruff. Might I ask to be allowed to stand godfather to your first, Mr. Skruff?

SKRUFF. My dear sir, you shall stand godfather to the first dozen or two if you like!

TAUNT. Thank you, Mr. Skruff--but alas! alas! what is to become of the poor abandoned, broken-hearted Taunton? (_another very deep sigh_).

SKRUFF. Well! I don't like to advise--but I really don't see why you shouldn't chuck yourself in the water, especially if you can't swim!

TAUNT. (_very quietly_). Drown myself--not I! I shall at once propose to the other sister!

SKRUFF (_aghast_). What! (_seeing letter on stage, and putting his foot on it_). You mean to propose to Miss Florence?

TAUNT. Yes! this very day, this very hour! I suppose I shall be safe in that quarter? You won't have the heart to molest me _there,_ Mr. Skruff. (_Aside._) Now to let Mallingford know about this wretched little interloper! I shall be sure to meet him coming from the station! (_Aloud, and grasping SKRUFF'S hand._) Good-bye, Mr. Skruff! you have acted nobly!--nobly!--nobly, Mr. Skruff!

[_Shaking his hand violently, and going off at gate R._

SKRUFF. Have I? Don't be too sure about that! Wheugh! I've got the most excruciating attack of pins and needles all up my leg in trying to hide this letter! (_Picks it up._) The question is, ought I to read it? Of course I ought, or how should I know what's in it. Here goes! (_Reading letter._) "Dear Harry, I can raise the one thousand pounds on our joint acceptance, for a term--but for Heaven's sake conceal this from Mr. Gritty. Yours, Teddy." Teddy!--Teddy what? Teddy who? Yes; I remember now--I've got him down somewhere! (_looking at his memorandum-book_). Here he is!--"Edward Mallingford"--he's old Gritty's other young man! Here's a bit of luck!--I've got both the young chaps in my clutches now. Ha! ha!--but stop a bit--(_reflecting_). Isn't it rather strange, if the captain was _really_ in love with Hetty, that he should give her up so quietly?--then the eagerness with which he bound me down not to cut him out with Florence. What if the money comes to _her_ after all! Luckily, I haven't quite committed myself yet--and what's more, I won't.

_FLORENCE has entered from house and runs down eagerly to
SKRUFF._

FLOR. (_seizing SKRUFF'S hand_). Hetty has told me all--all, Mr. Skruff. I cordially congratulate you on your conquest! (_shaking SKRUFF'S hand violently_).

SKRUFF (_trying to remove his hand_). I really don't exactly understand-- (_Aside._) A clear case--they think they've hooked me. If Hetty had got the money they wouldn't be so precious polite! (_Aloud._) I'm afraid, miss, we're laboring under some little mistake!

FLOR. Mistake? Not at all! Did you not propose to my sister?

SKRUFF. Propose? You mean pop? Ha! ha! ha! Excuse my laughing--but it really is so very ridiculous!

FLOR. Excuse me, Mr. Skruff--but your merriment is an insult. Poor Hetty! I'm afraid she'll be quite broken-hearted!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Another broken-hearted one! It runs in the family!

FLOR. Besides, even if Captain Taunton resigns in your favor--

SKRUFF. He _has!_ in the handsomest manner! He's even proposed to stand godfather to our first! but, says I, "No, Taunton, my boy, certainly not," says I, "I will _not_ blight your young life, Taunton, my boy," says I.

FLOR. How generous of you! (_Aside._) The little hypocrite!

SKRUFF (_aside_). If Hetty doesn't get the money, Florence must! That's logic, so here goes! (_Aloud._) Miss Florence, I hope you will pardon the liberty I am about to take--

FLOR. A liberty! from _you_--_you_ whom I hope I may look upon as a _friend!_ (_with pretended earnestness_).

SKRUFF. _Dearest_ miss--you may!

FLOR. Then I may venture to ask your advice on a matter of the most vital importance to me!

SKRUFF (_aside_). Now for Teddy! If Teddy doesn't catch it hot it'll be no fault of mine! So look out for squalls, Teddy! (_Aloud._) I think I can guess the subject you are about to refer to--a certain Mr.--Mr.--(_taking a side look at his memorandum-book_)--Edward Mallingford?

FLOR. Exactly!--do you know him?

SKRUFF. Personally, no!--professionally, as the signer of accommodation-bills by the bushel, intimately!

FLOR. Mr. Mallingford? There must be some mistake!

SKRUFF. Yes! it was a gigantic mistake on your old fool of an uncle's part to admit him here at all! If he'd had a grain of common-sense he'd have seen that he only came here after your ten thousand pounds.

FLOR. (_smiling_). _My_ ten thousand pounds!

SKRUFF (_aside_). She doesn't deny it! Rapture!

FLOR. (_drawing a long sigh_). Ah! Mr. Skruff--what dangers surround the hapless girl destined by cruel fate to be an heiress!

SKRUFF (_in a sympathizing tone_). It must be very unpleasant! though I never was an heiress myself!

FLOR. Would that all men were as disinterested as you, sir!

SKRUFF. True, Miss Florence--for my part, if I were to marry a young lady with ten thousand pounds--

FLOR. You'd settle it all on herself--I _know_--I'm _sure_ you would! The quiet charm of a country life would be unspeakable rapture to you! To help her to tend her flowers--to feed her poultry--to grow her own currants and gooseberries--

SKRUFF. And her own eggs--and new-laid butter!

FLOR. But alas! Mallingford is my uncle's choice, and our union is irrevocable!

SKRUFF. It wouldn't break your heart, then, to part with Teddy! because if you really _do_ feel a sort of a sneaking kindness for me, I'll do all I can for you, I will indeed.

FLOR. (_with pretended emotion_). Oh, Mr. Skruff!--but, of course--my uncle--ah! he's here--

[_Runs off hastily into house._

SKRUFF. She refers me to her uncle! nothing could be plainer! I'll soon obtain his consent by enlightening his weak mind as to Master Teddy and his friend the captain!

_Enter GRITTY at back._

GRITTY. Oh, here you are, Sammy! What the deuce have you been doing with yourself?

SKRUFF (_aside_). I must give old Gritty a lesson! (_Aloud._) Mr. Gritty, allow me to remark, with the greatest possible respect, that you're an infant! a positive infant!

GRITTY (_looking at him--aside_). Samuel's been at the sherry!

SKRUFF. Yes, Gritty! there's a simple confiding innocence about you that's positively pitiable!

GRITTY (_angrily_). Gently, Samuel, gently! What the deuce are you driving at?

SKRUFF. In one word--what do you know about this Captain Taunton and Teddy?

GRITTY. Teddy! who the deuce is Teddy?

SKRUFF. Mr. Edward Mallingford.