Chapter III: Part 3

JACK (_aside_). I rather like this! I do, by Jove! There's some fun in having one's head punched by one's servant! (_Aloud._) All right, old boy! you shall have satisfaction after your own fashion! Look out for some nice quiet spot, and in ten minutes' time we'll have it out; in the mean time, mum, not a word.

[_BLUNT runs out at C., rubbing his hands in high glee._

JACK (_after a pause_). I'd better by half have stopped in China! I can't stop _here!_ I can't look quietly on--probably with my eye bunged up--and see the woman I love married to a Dicky! No, no; I'll pack up at once!

(_MRS. TARLETAN and JESSIE have entered R. H. during the above._)

MRS. T. (_overhearing_). Pack up?

JACK. Yes, aunt. I'm off--good-by!

MRS. T. Off? Where--where?

JACK. I don't know; somewhere or other--if not there, somewhere else. Good-by!

MRS. T. John Pepperpot, you are deceiving me! I want the truth! you hear, sir, the _truth!_

JACK. Do you? then you shall have it! I love Jessie--there! now you've got it!

JESSIE (_joyously_). You hear, aunty? He loves me; _me_ whom you are about to sacrifice--to immolate! (_in a tragic tone_).

JACK. On the altar of a Chirper! (_in a similar tone_).

JESSIE. It's cruel!

JACK. Barbarous!

JESSIE. Inhuman!

JACK. Savage!

MRS. T. (_who has been trying to speak_). Will you let me speak? (_To JACK._) You say you love Jessie?

JACK. Awfully!

MRS. T. Well--unless, indeed, Jessie objects--

JESSIE (_very quietly_). But I don't!

MRS. T. In that case, the sooner you get married the better!

JESSIE. Oh, you kindest, best of aunties! (_kissing her_).

MRS. T. Well, Jack, have _you_ nothing to say to me?

JACK. Only this: that you can't form the faintest idea what a trump you are!

MRS. T. (_suddenly_). But what about poor Mr. Chirper? He'll be here presently.

JACK. Of course, the sooner we put Dicky's pipe out the better.

MRS. T. I will speak to Dr. Jogtrot myself, and beg him to break the intelligence to his young friend.

JACK. Very well (_seeing BLUNT, who crosses at back_). Blunt, by Jove! (_Exchanges a sign with BLUNT, who disappears._) Excuse me for a few minutes--I'll be back directly (_hurries up towards C., running against JOGTROT, who enters_). Beg pardon. (_Aside to him._) My aunt's got a little bit of news for you that'll rather astonish your upper works.

[_Runs out at C._

MRS. T. You had better retire, Jessie. (_Aside to her._) Leave everything to me!

[_JESSIE exits at R. H._

JOGTROT. It seems, my dear lady, you have a communication to make to me?

MRS. T. I have; a very important one! I have just made a discovery which I confess has given me the greatest possible pleasure. In a word, my nephew loves Jessie, and Jessie loves my nephew!

JOGTROT (_very quietly_). In other words, Mr. Chirper is expected to resign his pretensions in your nephew's favor?

MRS. T. Exactly!

JOGTROT. My answer, madam, will be brief! I presented Mr. Chirper as a candidate for the hand of your niece, and, _my_ word, you received him graciously. I cannot, therefore, become an accomplice in your inconsistency, not to say _caprice!_

MRS. T. (_impatiently_). But don't I tell you the young people _love_ each other?

JOGTROT (_very quietly_). What of that?

MRS. T. (_indignantly_). What of that?

JOGTROT. I myself have loved, madam!

MRS. T. But perhaps the lady did not love you in return?

JOGTROT. She did, madam, intensely! and married her dancing-master!

MRS. T. (_in a compassionate tone_). Dear, dear! Of course you were inconsolable!

JOGTROT. No, madam, I went in for trigonometry, and that cured me! Why should your nephew not do the same?

MRS. T. Jack go in for trigonometry? ha! ha! Come, my dear doctor, you'll explain the state of affairs to Mr. Chirper, won't you? (_coaxingly_).

JOGTROT (_very stiffly_). Certainly not, madam!

MRS. T. (_angrily_). Then _I_ will--and in the mean time I beg to assure you that I consider you a very uncivil, unamiable, and intensely disagreeable person!

[_Exit at L. H._

JOGTROT. Umph! a decided check for Chirper--who, if he loses the young lady, will also lose the thousand pounds I owe him. But it isn't necessarily check_mate._ No, no! as the young lady's legal guardian I shall have something to say yet!

_Enter JACK hastily at C., putting on his coat._

JACK (_laughing as he enters_). Ha! ha! poor old Blunt! he soon had enough of it! (_Seeing DOCTOR._) Well, you've seen my aunt--eh? She rather astonished you, didn't she? But really, now (_taking JOGTROT'S arm familiarly_), you never thought your man had the ghost of a chance, did you?

JOGTROT. My man?

JACK. Yes, Dicky! here he is! (_going up to meet CHIRPER, who enters at C._). (_Aside to him._) Our intellectual friend has something to tell you! Be a man, Dicky (_slapping him on the back_). It's no use crying over spilt milk, my Trojan!

[_Exit at C., CHIRPER staring after him in astonishment._

JOGTROT (_aside_). There are circumstances under which a fib becomes a duty. (_Aloud, and grasping CHIRPER'S hand._) I congratulate you, she's yours! At least she will be!

CHIRPER (_very quietly_). Oh, joyful tidings.

JOGTROT. But it is possible you may have a rival.

CHIRPER (_very quietly again_). Oh, maddening thought!

JOGTROT. But follow my advice and you shall win her yet. Never leave her side! say all sorts of tender things to her. By-the-bye, have you brought her a bouquet? No! Then go and get one--the bigger the better. Go at once--recollect, the bigger the better (_hurrying CHIRPER up stage, who goes out at C., shouting after him_)--the bigger the better!

JOGTROT (_coming down--then suddenly_). By no means a bad idea of mine; at any rate, it's well worth the trial! Surely this fire-eating captain must have _some_ blemish--_some_ small vice or other, I don't care _how_ small. I'll undertake to stretch it as far as it will go! Here comes his servant; I may be able to squeeze something out of _him._

_Enter BLUNT at C., one of his cheeks very swollen._

JOGTROT (_beckoning BLUNT_). Here, my worthy creature! I wish to speak to you. (_BLUNT touches his cap and advances._) A swollen face, I see! Toothache?

BLUNT. No, sir. I'll tell you how it was. _I_ makes a feint with my left (_hitting out, JOGTROT skips back_), when slap comes a right-hander straight from the elbow (_hitting out again, JOGTROT skips back again_), and catches me bang on the--

JOGTROT. Yes; yes! exactly; but tell me, have you been long with your gallant master?

BLUNT. Better than ten years, sir!

JOGTROT. The more to your credit, my fine fellow! here's a sovereign (_gives money_).

BLUNT. Thankee, sir! (_Aside._) What's his little game, I wonder?

JOGTROT. I like the captain! I like him much! Rather a lively temper, perhaps; a little bit quarrelsome--eh? slightly pugnacious--umph!--and a sad fellow among the women, I'm afraid! Ha! ha! ha! (_poking BLUNT in the side_).

BLUNT. Who? Master? Not he! Only bring him face to face with a pretty wench, and see if he don't stand there a-stammering and blushing like any big lubberly school-boy.

JOGTROT (_aside_). The scoundrel _won't_ speak! (_Aloud._) I gave you a sovereign just now; oblige me by getting it changed for me.

BLUNT (_aside_). So, so. Wanted to pump me, did he? I'll bring him a pound's worth of coppers!

[_Goes up, meets JACK, who enters at C., stops and whispers JACK,
pointing to JOGTROT, then exit at C._

JACK. So, so! my serious friend, you not only, as my aunt tells me, refuse to withdraw your man, but you've been pumping Blunt about me, have you? (_touching JOGTROT on the shoulder_). You can spare me time for half a dozen words? Thank you (_very quietly_). It seems you are not over and above anxious that I should marry my cousin? (_very quietly_).

JOGTROT. Frankly, I am _not!_

JACK (_still very quietly_). May I ask _why?_

JOGTROT (_aside_). He doesn't seem very explosive. I'll go it a bit! (_Aloud._) In the first place, from my limited acquaintance with military men, I confess--I--(_shrugging his shoulders_).

JACK (_still very quietly_). Well, sir?

JOGTROT (_aside_). He doesn't seem _at all_ explosive! I'll go it another _bit._ (_Aloud._) And although you have left the army, you can scarcely have failed to contract certain habits and pursuits, which, in my opinion, are more or less antagonistic to happiness in the married state!

JACK (_aside_). I'm getting the fidgets in my right leg! (_Aloud._) In short, you look upon me as a decidedly disreputable person? (_with difficulty restraining his passion_).

JOGTROT (_alarmed and very quickly_). I didn't say so! (_Aside._) I sha'n't go it any more bits. (_Aloud._) But _seriously!_ you don't, you _can't_ really believe you love your cousin? You've only just returned from China.

JACK. What of that, as long as I didn't leave my heart behind me?

JOGTROT. Still, this sudden, _very_ sudden, _remarkably_ sudden attachment, some people might be ill-natured enough to--to--to--

JACK (_with increasing impatience_). When you've quite done "to--to--toing," perhaps you'll get on.

JOGTROT. I repeat, some people might attribute to the lady's _fortune,_ rather than to the lady herself (_with intention_).

JACK. Fortune? What, Jessie? (_After a short pause._) Well, so much the better! Not that I was aware of it.

JOGTROT (_smiling significantly_). Oh, you were _not aware_ of it, eh?

JACK (_checking his anger_). I have said so once, sir!

JOGTROT (_smiling satirically_). Yes, you _said_ so, certainly!

JACK (_gulping down his anger, and very quietly_). Have you quite done? Then suppose we change the conversation! Now, if the thing were properly put to you, which do you think you would prefer?--having your nose pulled (_JOGTROT retreats_), a sound horse-whipping (_JOGTROT takes another jump backward_), or a good kicking (_swinging his right leg about; JOGTROT rushes out at C._).

JACK. Ha! ha! ha! (_Suddenly stopping._) Zounds! these infernal little pets of mine will be the ruin of me! Of course he'll tell aunt--she'll scold--Jessie'll blubber--so shall I--at least I'll try. Our marriage will be-- But he can't have left the house yet! I'll run after him! Memorandum for the future--when you feel a sudden impulse to strangle a man, _do_ it.

[_Runs out at C. after JOGTROT._

_Enter MRS. TARLETAN and JESSIE, followed by JOGTROT._

MRS. T. Surely, doctor, you must be mistaken? the thing is impossible!

JOGTROT. I grieve to say I have it from the best authority! an eye-witness. Half an hour ago, almost under this very roof, your nephew was engaged in a low, vulgar, disreputable, pugilistic encounter with his own servant!

MRS. T. A pugilistic encounter? But the reason?--the motive?

JOGTROT (_with malicious intention_). Is perhaps not very difficult to guess! Your waiting-woman, my informant, is a very comely young person; both master and man _may_ have noticed it too--young men _will_ be young men--a little _jealousy_ perhaps? (_MRS. TARLETAN hastily rings small bell which is on the table._)

_Enter MARTHA at R. H._

MRS. T. Come here, Martha! You have informed Doctor Jogtrot that you witnessed a scene recently, which I need not describe, between Captain Pepperpot and his servant. Is this true?

MARTHA. Yes, ma'am; they were hard at it, ma'am, behind the summer-house, ma'am, a fisticuffing one another (_imitating absurdly_).

MRS. T. Tell me, has this man--Blunt, I think, is his name--ever given you reason to think he--admires you?

MARTHA. Only so far as saying I was a niceish sort of girl! But lots have told me _that!_

JESSIE (_very eagerly_). And--his _master_--perhaps _he_ may have--

MARTHA. Well, miss, the captain has certainly chucked me under the chin once or twice, but lots have done _that!_

MRS. T. You can go, Martha!

[_Exit MARTHA at R. H._

JESSIE. Oh, auntie, this is dreadful! I never could have believed it of Jack! never! (_stops on a sign from MRS. TARLETAN, who sees JACK enter at L. H._).

JACK (_as he enters hurriedly_). Can't find him anywhere. (_Seeing JOGTROT._) So, so! he's stolen a march on me. (_Aside to MRS. TARLETAN._) Aunty, I suspect our serious friend here has been giving you _his_ version of a certain little trumpery affair that--that--

MRS. T. (_coldly_). He _has!_

JACK. Well, I confess I _was_ just a trifle hasty! One of my little pets, you know; but if you only knew the provocation--

MRS. T. (_satirically_). We _do_ know the provocation!

JESSIE (_imitating MRS. TARLETAN'S tone_). Yes, we _do_ know the provocation!

MRS. T. Come with me, doctor! We must have a little conversation--_serious_ conversation!

JOGTROT. At your service, my dear madam. (_Aside._) I wonder how our gallant friend feels _now!_

[_Exit at C. with MRS. TARLETAN, JACK staring after them
bewildered._

JACK. Jessie!

JESSIE (_very dignified_). Sir!

JACK (_astonished_). "Sir!" What's the matter? You seem annoyed--vexed.

JESSIE. I am!

JACK. Will you tell me why?

JESSIE (_with comic severity_). Ask your conscience, young man!

_Enter MARTHA at C., carrying an enormous bouquet._

MARTHA. This beautiful nosegay, miss--just come--with Mr. Chirper's compliments.

[_Gives nosegay, and exit R. H._

JESSIE. What a lovely bouquet! How very polite of Mr. Chirper!

JACK (_sulkily_). There's plenty of it; looks more like a bunch of greens! Of course, Jessie, you won't accept it?

JESSIE (_coldly_). Why not? I'm fond of flowers!

JACK. Yes, but you're not fond of Dicky! Come, Jessie, you'll return that bunch of greens--I mean that nosegay--to Mr. Chirper, won't you?

JESSIE (_pretending to admire the flowers_). Certainly not!

JACK (_checking his rising anger_). Take care, Jessie! I ask you once again!

JESSIE. I shall keep it!

JACK (_tenderly_). Jessie!--cousin!

JESSIE. I repeat, I shall keep it!

JACK (_furious_). You shall _not!_ (_snatching bouquet from JESSIE and tearing it to pieces_). There, there, there! (_JESSIE screams_).

_Enter MRS. TARLETAN at C., followed by DOCTOR JOGTROT._

JESSIE. Oh, aunty (_running to her_), and you, sir (_to JOGTROT_), protect me from the violence of my cousin! Because Mr. Chirper sent me a nosegay, he has snatched it from me and torn it to pieces!

JOGTROT (_advancing to JACK_). Young man, I am amazed--

JACK. Go to the devil! (_furiously; JOGTROT beats a retreat_).

MRS. T. (_sorrowfully_). Oh, Jack, Jack!

JACK. Harkee, aunt, it strikes me I've been made to play rather a ridiculous part here. First, it's all Dicky, then it's all _me!_ Now, it's all Dicky again! One would almost think I had been used merely as a bait to catch a bigger fish!

MRS. T. (_reproachfully_). Oh, nephew, nephew!

JOGTROT (_advancing_). If you allude to Mr. Chirper, sir--

JACK. Damn Mr. Chirper!

[_Hurries up, giving nosegay a violent kick, and exit L. H.,
slamming door violently after him._

MRS. T. What a dreadful scene.

JESSIE (_half crying_). I'll never marry him!--never! never! never! (_picking up the flowers_).

MRS. T. Reflect, Jessie, reflect!

JESSIE. I _have_ reflected (_trying to restrain her tears_). Mr. Chirper may be a trifle _slow_--and too fond of milk--but he wouldn't be always chucking young women under the chin--and fisti--fisti--cutting--I mean _cuffing!_

JOGTROT. Then I may at once convey the joyful tidings to the thrice-happy Chirper.

JESSIE. (_harshly_). Yes! yes! the sooner the better.

[_JOGTROT hurries out at C._

MRS. T. Oh, my darling! I fear you have been too rash--too impetuous.

JESSIE. No! I--I--(_suddenly throwing herself sobbing violently into MRS. TARLETAN'S arms_).

BLUNT (_heard without_). All right, captain!

_Enter BLUNT at L. H., carrying a portmanteau._

MRS. T. (_to BLUNT_). Where are you taking that luggage?

BLUNT. To the nearest hotel hereabouts, ma'am. Master's off directly, and I'm going with him!

MRS. T. Oh, then you bear him no malice?

BLUNT. Malice--me! What for, ma'am?

MRS. T. Pshaw!--in a word, I know what has lately taken place between you.

JESSIE. Yes! the fisti--fisti--you know (_with a lame imitation of sparring_).

MRS. T. (_with intention_). And we also know the _cause!_

BLUNT. Do you? and do you think I'd leave the captain just because of a little--little bit of a--kicking?

MRS. T. What? Then it wasn't about--her?

BLUNT (_surprised_). Her?

JESSIE. Yes. M--Martha!

BLUNT. What! me and master fall out about a petticoat? Ha! ha! Not we! I suppose I had offended him somehow or other, and he got into one of his "little pets," and--struck me--_not_ with his hand, ma'am. It nearly broke my heart. He saw it, and, like a true gentleman as he is, he asks me, with almost tears in his eyes, to give him a good hiding, and we sets at it at once then and there; and that's all about it, ma'am.

MRS. T. (_suddenly_). Take that luggage away. Not a word. Remember, I am commanding officer here! (_BLUNT makes a salute_). In the mean time I'll see your master.

JESSIE. Yes, we'll see your master.

BLUNT. Do please, ladies; and if you'd only try just to cheer him up a bit.

JESSIE (_eagerly_). Is he unhappy, then?

BLUNT. All I know is, as he was ramming his things into his portmanteau with his fists--this sort of thing (_imitating_).--I saw a great big one hanging to the tip of his nose.

JESSIE. A great big what? Not a tear?

BLUNT. Yes, miss! he said it was a cold in his head, but I know better.

JACK (_heard from room L. H._). Blunt! Blunt!

BLUNT. Coming, sir! (_about to run to the door L. H._).

MRS. T. (_pointing to C._). That way, if you please. Remember, obedience is the first duty of a soldier.

[_BLUNT makes a salute, and exit at C. with portmanteau._

JESSIE. Oh, aunty! only fancy poor Jack with a tear hanging to the tip of his great big nose--I mean, a great big tear! Why, _why_ did you let me tell my guardian that I'd never marry Jack? _Do_ run after him, and tell him I've changed my mind, and that I'll _never,_ never, never marry any one else. _Do_ make haste, aunty dear. _Do_ be a little bit impetuous like me (_during this she has urged MRS. TARLETAN towards C._).

MRS.T. (_laughing_). Spoiled child! spoiled child! (_kisses her, and hurries out at C._).

_Enter JACK at door L. H., dressed in tweed travelling suit, an
overcoat over his arm, and a small bag in his hand._

JACK (_stops on seeing JESSIE_). A thousand pardons, Jes--I mean Miss Manvers. I expected to find my aunt.

JESSIE (_archly_). And you are disappointed at finding only _me?_

JACK (_aside_). What unseemly levity! (_Aloud._) I cannot leave her roof without wishing her good-by.

JESSIE. Of course not--but you're not going? (_smiling_).

JACK (_assuming a very dignified manner_). I beg your pardon, _miss!_

JESSIE (_imitating JACK_). I beg yours, _sir!_

JACK. What! remain here and see you married?

JESSIE. Of course; how _can_ I get married unless you _do_ remain?

JACK (_indignantly_). You don't expect me to give Dicky away, I hope?

JESSIE. No; but I certainly _do_ expect you will give yourself away! and to me who love you, oh, so dearly!

JACK (_throwing away his coat, etc., and clasping JESSIE in his arms_). Jessie darling! But what--what does it all mean?

JESSIE (_very rapidly_). That I know _why_ you got fisti--fisti--you know--with your servant; that it wasn't about Martha at all; that all my guardian said about you was a great big story!

JACK. Oh! oh! So old Jogtrot has been poking his ugly nose into my affairs again, has he? (_Savagely._) I'll wring it off!

JESSIE (_holding up her finger_). Now listen to me, Cousin Jack; if you cannot and do not control that dreadfully peppery temper of yours--

JACK (_very quickly_). But I _will!_ I swear it by--by this (_taking small hand-bell off table_). Now, Jessie, if ever you see me getting the least little bit frantic, you've only to--

JESSIE. I understand (_taking bell and ringing it_).

JACK. That's it!

JESSIE (_looking towards C._). Here comes my guardian; now do as I tell you. Go over there (_pointing; JACK moves a few paces from her_); farther than that! Now cross your arms (_JACK obeys_); look sulky!

JACK. This sort of thing? (_putting on a sulky look_).

JESSIE. Worse than that (_JACK puts on a hideous grimace_). That's better! Now turn your back to me (_JACK obeys; JESSIE also turns her back on JACK_).

JACK (_looking round_). Isn't there time just for one kiss?

JESSIE. No--no.

JACK. Only a tiny one!

JESSIE. Hush! (_they both hastily resume their positions back to back_).

_Enter JOGTROT at C._

JOGTROT (_seeing them_). Dos-à-dos! The lady pouting--the gentleman frowning! Then the storm I contrived to raise is still at its height (_coming down and touching JACK on the shoulder; JACK turns to him with an intensely savage expression of face, making JOGTROT start back_).

JOGTROT (_in a soothing tone_). Cheer up, my gallant young friend; the sex, you know, is capricious--"sipping each flower, changing each hour." It is sad--very sad!

JACK (_sulkily_). For _me,_ not for _you,_ who have always opposed my marriage with my cousin.

JOGTROT. I? On the contrary, not ten minutes ago I asked her if she had any lingering affection for you, and her answer was--

JESSIE. That I would marry Mr. Chirper.

JOGTROT. There, there! you hear?

JESSIE. Yes, but (_imitating JOGTROT_), "the sex is so capricious," you know--"sipping each flower, changing each hour." So now, Guardy, I'll marry Jack, please (_bobbing a courtesy; then running to JACK, who takes her in his arms_).

JOGTROT (_shouting_). Stop! that's all wrong (_seeing MRS. TARLETAN and CHIRPER, who enter at C._). You're just in time, madam! There's a gigantic, a colossal mistake here!

MRS. T. (_smiling_). A mistake? Not at all!

JOGTROT. Not at all! Am I to understand, then, madam, that after the deplorable--scandalous scene of this morning--

MRS. T. Which has been fully explained, and will never be repeated!

JACK. Never! I've sworn it (_looking at JESSIE and pointing to the small bell on the table_). No more tempers, no more "little pets."

JOGTROT (_aside_). One more chance! (_Aloud._) All I desire is my ward's happiness! happiness!--poor girl! (_shrugging his shoulders and giving a deep sigh_).

JACK (_bristling up sharply._) What's that?

JOGTROT (_sneeringly_). I believe, sir, I have already expressed my opinion of military men--as _husbands!_

JACK (_threateningly_). Take my advice, sir, and leave military men alone, or else-- (_JESSIE takes small bell and rings it; JACK falls into chair laughing._)

JOGTROT. In a word--

MRS. T. Pardon me, doctor, you have said quite enough already!

JESSIE (_indignantly_) _More_ than enough, Doctor Jogtrot! (_advancing on JOGTROT, who retreats; she follows him up_). For the last ten minutes you've been insulting a better man than yourself, Doctor Jogtrot!--a _far_ better man, Doctor Jogtrot!

JACK (_aside_). Halloa! here's JESSIE getting into a pet! (_takes second small bell and rings it; JESSIE and JACK fall into chairs roaring with laughter and ringing their bells, JOGTROT staring at them in astonishment_).

CHIRPER (_to JOGTROT, in a sympathizing tone_). My dear respected friend--

JOGTROT (_turning fiercely on CHIRPER_). And you! standing there like a gaping idiot--ugh!

JACK. Oh, Dicky's all right! he's got his cow; hain't you, Dicky?

CHIRPER. _And_ the Philotechnic, where, by-the-bye, I am now due.

JOGTROT. So am I. Come along (_slams his hat on his head, puts his arm in CHIRPER'S, swings him round, and drags him out at C._).

JACK (_taking JESSIE'S hand_). Mine! mine at last!

JESSIE (_smiling_). But remember. Jack, no more irritability, no more tempers.

JACK. No! Here, here I vow, protest, and declare is the last of Pepperpot's little _Pets!_ (_kisses JESSIE'S hand as curtain falls_).

AFTER A STORM COMES A CALM.

_Comedietta, in One Act._

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

MAJOR PELICAN.

DR. VICESSIMUS PRETTYWELL.

JOSEPH (a servant).

MRS. PELICAN.

MRS. MAJOR PELICAN.

FANNY.

SCENE.--Major Pelican's Villa in St. John's Wood.

_A handsomely furnished apartment. Door at C., doors R. H. and L. H.; a window at back, at R. C._

JOSEPH (_discovered lounging in an easy-chair, his legs upon another, a newspaper open in his hand_). Now, then, for a quiet squint at the sporting intelligence. See if I can't pick out a likely one for the Great Cricklewood Handicap. (_Bell rings at L. H._) Of course! No indulging in literary pursuits in this house! That's the young missus's bell, and she can't bear being kept waiting. Well, I suppose it's only natural for young people to be impatient (_getting up and going towards L. H.; bell at R. H. is heard to ring_). Now the old lady's at it, and she's always in a hurry, she is! Well, I suppose old people can't afford to wait (_going towards door R. H.; bell at L. H. rings again, then the bell at R. H.; then both bells are rung violently; JOSEPH running backward and forward_).

_Enter MAJOR PELICAN at C._

MAJOR. Well, Joseph, don't you hear the bell?

JOSEPH. I hear two of them, sir.

MAJOR. Then why don't you go?

JOSEPH. I don't know which way to go, sir! I can't answer both bells at once, sir! (_here both bells are heard to ring again_).

_Enter DR. PRETTYWELL at C._

JOSEPH (_to MAJOR_). What am I to do, sir?

DOCTOR (_coming down_). Do what you are doing now!

JOSEPH. I ain't doing nothing, sir.

DOCTOR. Then keep on doing nothing. It's about the best thing you _can_ do.

JOSEPH. But I shall catch it from _both_ my missusses, sir!

DOCTOR. At first perhaps you _will;_ but when they find they've both fared alike, they'll each feel secretly flattered by the inattention you show to the other. Go to your work.

JOSEPH. Yes, sir.

[_Exit at C._

DOCTOR. Well, friend Jeremiah!

MAJOR. Well, friend Vicessimus!

DOCTOR. I seem to have dropped in at rather an unlucky moment; but frankly, if I were to wait till your domestic barometer pointed to "calm and settled" weather, I'm afraid my visits wouldn't be very frequent.

MAJOR. True, my dear doctor.

DOCTOR. I don't know how you manage it, but you generally contrive to have a thunder-storm, more or less violent, rumbling over this house of yours.

MAJOR. True again, and I'll tell you why. Because this "house of mine," as you call it, is constantly exposed to two discordant elements from opposite directions, but invariably coming into contact and exploding _here!_

DOCTOR. I don't exactly understand.

MAJOR. It's very simple. Living here with my mother and my wife, who _both_ claim to be "monarch of all they survey," I, the master of the house--

DOCTOR. Find yourself cutting rather a contemptible figure--eh?

MAJOR. Very much so. It would be easy enough to do as Georgina wishes, _or_ my mother, but to do as they _both_ wish is impossible, for the simple reason that no two women ever wish the same thing, _consequently,_ the result is anger on one side, sulky looks on the other; one invokes her title of "mother," the other her privileges of "wife;" consequently, between the two--

DOCTOR. You come in for more kicks than half-pence?

MAJOR. Considerably more! In fact, _all_ kicks.

DOCTOR. And yet I don't know a more charming, amiable person than your excellent mother. I've known and admired her for more than thirty years; in fact, had it depended on me, I might very possibly have been your father.

MAJOR. Thank you. But I'm very well satisfied as I am; besides, the thing couldn't be done now.

DOCTOR. Not conveniently! However, she preferred marrying the "author of your being," so there was an end of my romance! But to return to these unfortunate domestic quarrels; from what I know of your mother, I am convinced the fault lies with your wife.

MAJOR. And from what I know of my wife, I'm certain it lies with my mother.

DOCTOR. Then, my good friend, why not at once put an end to these personal and conjugal troubles of yours?

MAJOR. How?

DOCTOR. Simply thus. Appoint one of the two contending parties--no matter which--to the sole control of your domestic affairs; support her authority through thick and thin, give her credit for always being right, even when she's wrong, and the thing's done!

MAJOR. A very good plan, I dare say, but, unluckily, it's impracticable.

DOCTOR. Why?

MAJOR. Because it would require a considerable amount of _pluck_ to carry it out, and I hain't got an atom.

DOCTOR. Nonsense! You've only to show a proper spirit.

MAJOR. How can I do that when I hain't any spirit _at all?_

DOCTOR. Pshaw! Recollect, Nero was a perfect lamb at starting, and yet he fiddled when Rome was burning.

MAJOR. But I'm not a Nero! Besides, I hain't got a fiddle, and I couldn't fiddle if I had.

MRS. P. } (_from rooms R. and L.--together_). Joseph! MRS. MAJOR. } Joseph!

DOCTOR. Here they both come! Do as I tell you, pluck up a proper spirit; in the mean time I'll beat a retreat (_runs out at C._).

MAJOR (_shouting after him_). Coward! to leave me alone to the mercy of two exasperated females!

_Enter MRS. PELICAN hurriedly at R. H._

MRS. P. This is perfectly intolerable!

MRS. MAJOR. It's absolutely unbearable! (_entering hurriedly at L. H._).

MRS. P. To take no notice of my bell!

MRS. MAJOR. What's the use of my ringing?

MRS. P. Oh! here you are, son Jeremiah.

MAJOR. Yes, my dear mother; (_aside_) and I devoutly wish I was anywhere else!

MRS. P. (_turning him round towards her_). I appeal to you to see that my authority in this house is respected!

MAJOR (_with pretended surprise_). What! Has any one dared--

MRS. MAJOR (_turning him towards her_). I presume you won't allow _me_ to be treated with inattention?

MAJOR. (_with pretended surprise again_). What! Has any one presumed--

MRS. P. (_aside to him_). But what's the matter with your wife? She seems out of temper!

MAJOR. Yes! because Joseph didn't attend to her summons at once. When _you_ require him, he knows better than to do _that!_

MRS. MAJOR (_aside to him_). Your mother appears annoyed at something or other?

MAJOR. No wonder! Joseph didn't answer her bell. He knows better than keep _you_ waiting. (_Aside._) What a humbug I am!

MRS. P. By-the-bye, Jeremiah, I have ordered dinner an hour later to-day.

MRS. MAJOR. Indeed? and for what reason, pray?

MRS. P. Because it suits me.

MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear Georgina, if it suits her--

MRS. MAJOR. But it doesn't suit _me._ I expect Mr. Simcox, the jeweller, early this evening, and cannot dine later than five.

MAJOR. Oh! of course, my dear mother, if she expects Mr. Simcox--

MRS. P. It's too late now, the dinner will be served at six o'clock.

MRS. MAJOR. I won't give way! It will be on the table at five.

MRS. P. Six.

MRS. MAJOR. Five.

MAJOR (_aside_). There they are again! hard at it! hammer and tongs!

_Enter JOSEPH, running, at C._

JOSEPH. Please, ma'am, please, sir, here's Miss Fanny just driven up in a cab from the station!

MRS. P. Fanny!

MAJOR. What can have brought her back?

FANNY (_heard speaking off at C._). Gently, my good man, with that box! My best hat's in it! such a beauty too! (_runs in at C.; she is in a light summer travelling costume_). Here I am! How astonished you all look! Ha! ha! ha! (_Running to MRS. MAJOR P._) Dear Georgina! so glad to see you once again (_kissing her--Nodding to MAJOR_). How do, brother Jeremiah? and you, dear mamma? (_about to kiss MRS. PELICAN_).

MRS. P. (_stiffly_). I was not aware, miss, that it was usual for a well-educated young lady to address her sister-in-law before her mother!

FANNY. Did I? So sorry, dear mamma. I really didn't see you at first.

MAJOR (_aside_). I'm sure she's big enough!

FANNY (_holding up her face to MRS. P._). Well, mamma, won't you kiss me? (_Slyly._) You know you're punishing yourself as well as me.

MRS. P. Who can resist the dear child? (_kissing FANNY_). But we thought your visit to your Cheltenham friends was intended to last another week?

FANNY. So it was, but they were obliged to return to town, so they brought me with them, put my luggage into a cab at the station, me on the top--I mean my luggage on the top--and here I am!

_Enter JOSEPH at L. H._

JOSEPH. Luncheon is on the table, sir.

MRS. P. Very well, Joseph. (_Aside to MAJOR._) Don't forget what I said about the dinner.

MAJOR (_aside to her_). All right; six o'clock, sharp!

MRS. MAJOR (_aside to MAJOR_). Remember what I decided about the dinner-hour!

MAJOR (_aside to her_). All right; five o'clock, sharp! (_Aside._) Between the two the chances are I sha'n't get any dinner at all!

[_Exeunt MRS. PELICAN and MAJOR at R. H._

FANNY. I'm so glad we're alone at last, Georgina; we can have a nice long chat together all alone; and I've such a lot to tell you!

MRS. MAJOR. Well, I'm all attention! But first, how did you enjoy your trip to Cheltenham?

FANNY. Not much. I found it rather slow. Nothing but a collection of bilious-looking fogies being wheeled about in Bath-chairs. But never mind that; I've something else to talk about!

MRS. MAJOR (_smiling_). Something very serious, no doubt.

FANNY. Awfully serious! Listen! At the very first ball I went to at the Assembly-rooms--

MRS. MAJOR. A very brilliant affair, of course!

FANNY. Really, Georgina, if you keep on interrupting me in this sort of way--

MRS. MAJOR. I beg your pardon! Well?

FANNY. Well, at my very first ball I danced with a gentleman once or twice--perhaps three or four times.

MRS. MAJOR. Young, of course (_smiling_).

FANNY. Rather!

MRS. MAJOR. Handsome?

FANNY (_very quickly_). Very! Well, judge of my surprise when, the very next morning, as I was sitting in the drawing-room, the door opened and the servant announced "Captain Boodle!"

MRS. MAJOR. The "young gentleman?" (_smiling_).

FANNY. Yes.

MRS. MAJOR. Perhaps you had given him your address?

FANNY (_indignantly_). Not I, indeed! He didn't ask for it, or perhaps I might! Well, the next morning he called again, and the following morning, and the morning after that--in short, every morning--and as I was always in the drawing-room, of course quite by accident--

MRS. MAJOR. You naturally became quite intimate--familiar and chatty.

FANNY. _He_ didn't. _I_ did all the _chatting_ part! Never did I see any one so timid, so bashful, as Boodle. When he _did_ try to say something, there he'd stand stammering and stuttering and blushing like a school-girl! But although his tongue didn't say much, his _eyes_ did!

MRS. MAJOR (_smiling_). And they said, "I love you?"

FANNY. Distinctly! Well, I thought to myself it's not a bit of use going on like this. It's quite evident the poor man worships the very ground I tread upon. So when he called next day, and I told him, in _tremulous accents,_ of course, that I was going away, the effect was magical. First he turned pale, then red, then blue; then he let his hat fall, then his umbrella, then himself--on both his knees, at both my feet, and there, I believe, he would have remained till further notice, if I hadn't said to him, "Augustus"--his name is Augustus--"I won't pretend to misunderstand you. You love me! I am yours!"

MRS. MAJOR. What! Such an act of thoughtlessness, of indiscretion, on your part!

FANNY. Perhaps it was, but I know this: it quite cured him of his timidity; for when he once _did_ begin, I never heard anybody's tongue rattle on at such a rate as his did--never!

MRS. MAJOR. And the result, I presume, was--

FANNY. That we both, then and there, exchanged vows of constancy and locks of hair! His is rather red, by-the-bye! But I see mamma coming!

MRS. MAJOR. Then I'll retire. Seeing us closeted together would only arouse her ridiculous jealousy.

FANNY. And I'll see if I can't find an opportunity to slip in a word about Augustus. In the mean time you'll keep my secret?

MRS. MAJOR. Religiously! for your sake (_going up_).

FANNY. And Boodle's.

MRS. MAJOR (_turning and smiling_). And Boodle's.

[_Exit at C._

_Enter MRS. PELICAN at R. H._

MRS. P. Oh, here you are, Fanny!

FANNY. Yes, mamma! and quite alone.

MRS. P. _Now!_ But you were not alone.

FANNY. No, dear Georgina was with me.

MRS. P. And "dear Georgina," no doubt, lost no opportunity of prejudicing you against your mother!

FANNY. Oh, mamma! (_reproachfully_).

MRS. P. But fortunately you will not long be exposed to her pernicious influence.

FANNY. Oh, mamma!

MRS. P. Bring a chair and sit down by me.

FANNY (_sitting down by MRS. PELICAN'S side--aside_). I wonder what's coming?

MRS. P. I have something serious to say to you, Fanny.

FANNY. So have I to you, mamma--_very_ serious!

MRS. P. Indeed! In the mean time, as I happen to be your mother, and you, consequently, happen to be my daughter, perhaps you'll allow me to begin _first?_

FANNY. Certainly.

MRS. P. Then listen. Although you are still very young--

FANNY. Nineteen next birthday, mamma.

MRS. P. Don't interrupt me! Although you are still young, I have been reflecting a good deal lately on that all-important subject, your future settlement in life!

FANNY (_quickly_). So have I, mamma! (_Aside._) I shall be able to get in a word presently about Augustus!

MRS. P. In other words, don't you consider it high time you thought of matrimony?

FANNY (_very quickly_). I _do,_ mamma! I'm always thinking of it!

MRS. P. But of course it isn't likely _you_ can have any one in your eye _yet!_

FANNY. I beg your pardon! I _have!_

MRS. P. (_severely_). What's that you say?

FANNY. That is--I mean--of course I hain't! (_Aside._) It won't do to say anything about Augustus yet; I must keep him dark!

MRS. P. Then you have no positive antipathy to the married state?

FANNY. I should think not, indeed! (_very quickly_).

MRS. P. (_severely_). My dear, I'm really surprised to hear a well-educated young lady express herself in such, I might almost say indelicate, terms. But to return; I need not say I would not encourage any candidate for your hand who was not deserving of you.

FANNY. Of course not, mamma! He _must_ be worthy of such a treasure!

MRS. P. Tolerably young, and not absolutely ill-looking!

FANNY (_eagerly_). Certainly not! (_Aside._) I call Augustus decidedly _good-_looking!

MRS. P. And in the possession of ample means.

FANNY (_aside_). Augustus has got ever so much already, besides two rich maiden aunts and an aged godmother!

MRS. P. All of which qualifications are, fortunately, in the possession of Sir Marmaduke Mangle!

FANNY. Sir Marmaduke Mangle? Lor, mamma, you can't mean that little old man we met at Brighton, with a bad cough, a wig, and a canary-colored complexion?

MRS. P. He's not old by any means, and is only _slightly_ canary-colored after all! However, he has seen you, he admires you, and offers you his hand, his heart, his title, and his fortune!

FANNY. But I don't love _him,_ mamma! I never _could_ love him--even if I didn't love somebody else!

MRS. P. (_starting_). What's that I hear? You love somebody else?

FANNY. Yes, and one who loves _me,_ and one I'm determined to marry, or die an old maid. There!

MRS. P. (_angrily_). Silence, miss!

FANNY (_impatiently_). I won't silence! If you think Sir Marmaduke such a very great catch, marry him yourself! I'll consent to it, and give you away into the bargain! It's quite evident you were never in love!

MRS. P. I beg your pardon! I _was,_ intensely, with a youthful doctor! (_Aside._) Poor Vicessimus! Ah! (_giving a long sigh_). Nevertheless, I married your father--and we were not so _very_ unhappy, considering! (_To FANNY, who is about to speak._) Not another word! My mind is made up, so the sooner you make up _yours_ to become Lady Mangle the better!

_Enter MRS. MAJOR and MAJOR at C., followed by JOSEPH._

MRS. MAJOR. Nothing so simple, Joseph! Tell Mary to put up a bed for Miss Fanny in her mamma's room!

MRS. P. (_sharply_). What's that? Put up a bed in my room?

MRS. MAJOR. Yes! Why not?

MRS. P. Because I won't allow it!

MAJOR (_aside_). There they are, at it again!

FANNY. But why can't I have my own snug little room?

MRS. MAJOR. The fact is, I have made a work-room of it for myself; besides, Fanny's proper place is with her mother.

MRS. P. Quite out of the question! The slightest noise disturbs my sleep.

FANNY. But I sleep so very quietly, mamma--you'd scarcely hear me breathe; _I_ don't, and as for snoring--

MRS. P. I won't hear another word.

MAJOR. But, hang it all, Fanny must sleep _somewhere!_ She requires a horizontal position as much as other people.

MRS. P. Then let her find one--but not in _my_ room!

MRS. MAJOR. I insist on my wishes being carried out.

FANNY (_aside to MAJOR_). Oh, brother Jeremiah, if I was only in your place just for five minutes!

MAJOR (_aside_). She's quite right! I'm master here after all, confound it! If I'm _not_, I ought to be; and if I ought to be, I _will_ be, confound it! (_Aloud, and assuming an authoritative manner._) My patience is exhausted! Anarchy has presided too long over my domestic hearth.

FANNY (_aside to him_). Confound it!

MAJOR. Confound it!

MRS. P. } } Quite true! MRS. MAJOR. }

MAJOR. And henceforth I'm determined to be master of my own house. (_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it!

MAJOR. But there must be a mistress as well.

MRS. P. } } Of course! Well (_anxiously_), decide between us. MRS. MAJOR. }

MAJOR. That's what I'm going to do. (_Aside._) It's really very awkward! My mother screams loudest, but my wife screams longest; besides, I only hear my mother in the day, whereas my wife--

MRS. P. (_to MAJOR_). Well? which of the two is to be mistress here?

MRS. MAJOR. Yes, which of the two?

MAJOR (_after a violent effort_). My wife! There! I've said it. (_FANNY whispers him._) Confound it!

MRS. P. Ah! (_screaming and falling into a chair_).

MRS. MAJOR. Come, major, and as your reward you shall hear me issue my orders in such a style.

[_Exit at L. H., hurrying MAJOR with her, and calling, as she
goes out,_ Joseph! Mary! Sophia!

MRS. P. (_suddenly starting up from her chair_). So! she--_she's_ to be everybody, and _I'm_ to be nobody! a cipher, a nonentity! Was there ever such ingratitude? I, who left my own home to live with them, without even waiting to be asked, to give them the benefit of my experience, to take upon myself the entire control of their domestic affairs--nay, even to carry my maternal affection so far as not to allow either of them to interfere in anything whatever!

FANNY (_aside_). Poor dear mamma! she doesn't see that's the very reason why everything went wrong.

MRS. P. But I'll forget them, I'll renounce them, I'll cast them off, I'll abandon them to their unhappy fate; and when you're comfortably married, dear, I'll come and live with _you_ (_throwing her arms round FANNY, who tries to speak_). No thanks, I see you are literally bursting with gratitude; but I am rewarded already! I feel it here--here! (_striking her breast, then flings her arms round FANNY again, and hurries out at R. H._).

FANNY. Mercy on us! here's a pretty piece of business! Live with me when I am married! Poor Augustus! he little suspects what a rod there is in pickle for him! It's all Jeremiah's fault, and it's poor little I who am punished.

DOCTOR (_without_). In the parlor, is she? Very well!

FANNY. Surely that's dear Doctor Prettywell's voice!

_Enter DOCTOR at C._

DOCTOR. Ah! my dear young friend, delighted to see you!

FANNY. Not more than I am to see you, doctor!

DOCTOR. But let me look at you. How we're grown! I declare we're quite a young woman!

FANNY. Yes, doctor.

DOCTOR. And a very pretty one, too!

FANNY. Yes, doctor.

DOCTOR (_looking intently at FANNY_). She's the very image of her mother as she _was_ thirty years ago; the same soft blue eyes, before she took to spectacles, the same fairy form, before it filled out, the same alabaster brow, before the wrinkles set in!

FANNY (_aside_). How earnestly he looks at me! I hope I hain't fascinated _him_ as well as Sir Marmaduke! (_Suddenly._) Goodness me! what if _he_ should be the "youthful doctor" mamma was speaking about? (_DOCTOR looks at her again and gives a loud sigh._) What a sigh! It must be he. He may still have some lingering affection for her; the flame may not be _quite_ burnt out; there may be a tiny spark left which a little gentle _blowing_ may rekindle into a blaze. It isn't very likely; still, I may as well try what a little "blowing" may do.

DOCTOR. Well, now that your education is completed, and you've come home brimful of accomplishments, of course you'll go into society, and, like other young ladies, pick up a husband?

FANNY (_with affected indifference_). A husband? Not I, indeed! I've never even thought of such a thing! (_Aside._) I had no idea I could fib so well! (_Aloud._) No, doctor! I've too much regard for my own tranquillity, my own peace of mind!

DOCTOR. Hoity-toity! Who's been putting such nonsense into your head?

FANNY. Why, you yourself never ventured on matrimony!

DOCTOR. No! because I--I-- Heigh-ho! (_giving a loud sigh_).

FANNY (_aside, and smiling_). The "tiny spark" is gradually getting into a blaze! I did quite right in trying the effect of a little "_blowing!_" (_Aloud._) Besides, I have come to the conclusion, from considerable personal experience, that the male sex in general--I mean, taken in a _lump_--is no better than it should be.

DOCTOR (_laughing_). Indeed!

FANNY. I'm sorry to say they're a false, fickle, perfidious _lot!_ They gain a poor confiding woman's heart only to trifle with it and trample on it! Poor dear mamma! I am no longer surprised at your little fits of temper--at your discontent with everything and everybody--now that I know the sad circumstances which blighted your youth and cast a gloom over your after-life! (_with affected pathos_).

DOCTOR (_aside_). What do I hear? (_Aloud, and anxiously._) Has your mother, then, revealed?

FANNY. No; but she might just as well, because I was sure to find it out.

DOCTOR. Find out _what?_

FANNY. A lot of things! Ah, doctor! if you had only heard her sigh as I have!

DOCTOR. Sigh?

FANNY. Yes; but that's not all. Poor mamma! You'd hardly believe the number of pearly drops I've seen fall from her poor eyes into her teacup.

DOCTOR. Pearly drops?

FANNY. But _that's_ not all! (_In a very mysterious manner._) I once heard her, when she little thought I was listening, say, in faltering accents, "Ah! if he had really loved me, would he not have declared his passion when I became a widow?"

DOCTOR. Did she? (_Aside._) She loves me still! Dear Cleopatra!

FANNY. Who can she mean? I should so like to know. Perhaps, doctor, you'll help me to find out; but here she comes (_looking towards C. DOCTOR gives a violent start_). Why, what's the matter?

DOCTOR. Nothing; only a sort of a kind of a--of a--I scarcely know whether I am standing on my head or my heels!

FANNY. On your head, of course!

DOCTOR. I thought so.

MRS. P. (_heard without_). Joseph! Joseph!

DOCTOR (_aside_). I can't meet her yet. The agitation--the trepidation--the perturbation--the--

FANNY. Perhaps you'd better retire, doctor, (_aside_) or else he'll be flopping down on his knees to mamma before I've prepared her for the shock!

_Enter MRS. PELICAN at R. H., followed by JOSEPH._

MRS. P. Joseph, inform your master that I shall dine in my own apartment.

[_JOSEPH bows and goes out R. H. DOCTOR meets MRS. PELICAN as she
comes down--looks tenderly at her--clasps his hands, and gives a
deep sigh; then hurries up--stops again at C.--turns--gives her
another tender look--another deep sigh, and hurries out at C._

MRS. P. (_watching DOCTOR in astonishment_). Why, what's the matter with the man?

FANNY (_aside_). It's _your_ turn now, mamma! You wanted to get a husband for _me;_ so as one good turn deserves another, I'll see if I can't find one for _you!_

MRS. P. (_aside_). I must find out who this "girlish fancy" of hers is. (_Aloud._) Come here, Fanny. Of course _your_ happiness is all I desire!

FANNY. And it's all _I_ desire too, mamma!

MRS. P. Then have confidence in your mother--your _only_ mother! Tell me the name of the young man who has won your affections.

FANNY. You asked me if I had any one in my eye, and I said I _had,_ but I didn't tell you he was a _young_ man. The fact is, mamma, I've been so often told that I am so giddy, so thoughtless, so flighty, that I selected some one of _maturer_ years; he would give me the benefit of his experience--his advice--his--his--

MRS. P. Maturer years?

FANNY. Yes! Besides, he has known me so long!--ever since I was a tiny little mite. He used to dandle me on his knee, and buy me dolls and toys and sweeties and hardbake and elecampane, and all that sort of thing!

MRS. P. (_aside_). Known her for years! (_Suddenly._) Mercy on us! can she be alluding to "Vicessimus?"

FANNY. But, ma dear, that which attracted more than all was the respectful, I may say the _affectionate,_ terms in which he always speaks of _you._

MRS. P. Does he? (_Aside._) Poor fluttering heart, be still! Dear Vicessimus! He hain't, then, quite forgot his Cleopatra! (_Aloud._) But is DOCTOR PRETTYWELL--for it surely must be _he_ to whom your remarks apply--

FANNY. Yes, mamma.

MRS. P. (_aside_). I thought so. (_Aloud._) Is he aware of your somewhat foolish partiality?

FANNY. I think so. He'll tell you why! Whenever he used to call, and we happened to be sitting side by side--I mean you and I, mamma--I noticed that he always kept his eye fixed on us, and it always made me blush so.

MRS. P. (_aside_). Poor simple child. She flatters herself that it was on _her_ that Vicessimus's enamoured glances were riveted.

FANNY. And don't you recollect the last time he took us to the theatre, how attentive, how polite he was to you?

MRS. P. Yes. I remember he brought me three oranges and an ounce of acidulated drops into our box.

FANNY. And if you only had heard him just now, when I told him how shamefully you had been treated here! "What!" he exclaimed, turning quite red in the face and tearing his hair out in handfuls. "What! Dare to offer such an affront to so good, so amiable, so excellent a woman--a woman born to command, born to be beloved!"

MRS. P. Did he?

_Enter JOSEPH at R. H._

JOSEPH. Please, ma'am--and wishes to know if you are disengaged?

MRS. P. I'll come to him. (_Exit JOSEPH R. H._) How shall I meet him? how conceal my feelings? Once more, poor little fluttering heart, be still! (_Aside, and looking at FANNY_). Poor Fanny! I shall be sorry to cut her out; but constancy like Vicessimus's deserves, and shall have, its reward!

[_Exit at R. H._

FANNY. There! I flatter myself I've managed that rather cleverly. I've given tranquillity to Jeremiah, happiness to Georgina; I've got mamma a husband, and-- But stop a bit! who's to get one for _me?_ Oh dear, dear! I haven't half done yet!

_Enter MRS. MAJOR very hurriedly at C._

MRS. MAJOR. Oh! what shall I do? what shall I do?

FANNY. Georgina dear, what's the matter?

MRS. MAJOR. Oh, Fanny, such an event! I quite forgot to tell you that a person--I can't call him a gentleman--has been following me about everywhere in the most persevering, the most audacious manner, for the last month!

FANNY. What a contrast to Augustus!

MRS. MAJOR. And at last he has actually had the effrontery to write to me. A groom called just now with a letter, and was in the act of giving it to Mary, with strict injunctions to deliver it to me, and to me only, when my husband suddenly appeared and snatched the letter out of his hand.

FANNY (_aside_). Something more for me to do! I shall never get my work done here!

MRS. MAJOR. He must have read the letter by this time! Oh, what, what will he think of me? But here he comes! and what a dreadful temper he looks in!

_Enter MAJOR hurriedly at C., looking very wild and agitated, a
letter in his hand; comes forward._

MAJOR (_folding his arms and assuming a tragic attitude_). So, madam; I repeat "So, madam!" You may tremble at the sight of your hitherto too confiding but now indignant husband!

MRS. MAJOR. But, Jeremiah dear--

MAJOR. Don't "Jeremiah dear" me! Are you aware, unhappy woman, that I might give you in charge to the police? No, I don't mean that--that I might insist on a separation? or call your ignoble accomplice out and shoot him?--which I _would_ do, if I were sure he wouldn't shoot _me!_ But no! I prefer to expose, to unmask you!

_Enter MRS. PELICAN hastily at C., followed by DOCTOR_.

MRS. P. What is all this disturbance about? What has happened?

MAJOR. You've arrived just in time! I only wish the entire universe were assembled in this breakfast-room to hear me!

MRS. MAJOR (_shrugging her shoulders_). Pshaw! they could only laugh at your absurd suspicions!