Chapter I: Part 1

WEHMAN BROS.’
VAUDEVILLE
JOKES
No. 1.

PUBLISHED BY
WEHMAN BROS., 126 Park Row,
NEW YORK.

Copyright, MCMVII, by WEHMAN BROS.

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WEHMAN BROS.’

Vaudeville Jokes No. 1.

The coalman’s season may be the winter, and the summer the iceman’s harvest, so that it’s possible the milkman finds his greatest profit in the spring.

* * * * *

What is the difference between a grocer who uses false weights and a highwayman?

The tradesman lies in weight, while the highwayman lies in wait.

* * * * *

I saw Romeo and Juliet in a restaurant last night. Juliet ordered some soft-shelled crabs and Romeo ordered a cup of tea. Now, the question arises, does Rome-o for what Juli-et?

* * * * *

You know my girl? Her name is Plaster. I go to court Plaster every night. She is a poor girl, but there are lots of other girls as por-ous Plaster. I took her out riding the other day, when the horse ran away and threw her out and broke her leg in four places, and her arm in three places. I got some sticking plaster and put on her leg and arm, and then carried her home. Next morning she wouldn’t speak to me.

Why not?

She was too stuck up.

* * * * *

How old did you say your daughter was?

Twenty-two.

Gracious, but she’s young for her age.

* * * * *

George Washington was the bravest man in the world. He was never licked in his life.

Oh, yes he was; he was licked on a postage stamp.

Then they had to do it behind his back.

* * * * *

It has been asked when rain falls, does it ever get up again?

Of course it does, in dew time.

* * * * *

I dared to go up on Broadway to-day and a team ran over me. Just as I was getting up, the driver shouted: “Look out!”

And what did you say?

I said: “Are you coming back?”

* * * * *

I went to church last Sunday and lost my umbrella. I got up in the congregation and said if I didn’t get my umbrella I would come here next Sunday and mention the party’s name that had it. Next morning when I woke up, my back yard was full of umbrellas.

* * * * *

If your stomach continues to trouble you, you will have to diet.

What color do you prefer?

* * * * *

When you put on your stockings, why are you sure to make a mistake?

Because you put your foot in it.

* * * * *

“Did I ever tell you the story about the empty box?”

“You did not. Tell me about it.”

“No use--there’s nothing in it.”

* * * * *

“The President is going to have his name stamped on eighty million toothpicks.”

“Yes. He wants his name in everybody’s mouth.”

* * * * *

When I die I’m going to take all my gold and silver with me.

Don’t you do it.

Why?

Because it will melt where you are going.

* * * * *

Oh, I’m the flower of my family, all right.

I wonder if that’s what your brother meant yesterday when he said you were a blooming idiot?

* * * * *

The young man in love doesn’t care so much about having a yacht at sea as having a little smack ashore.

* * * * *

How do you spell mule?

M-l-e.

That isn’t right; you left something out.

Yes. I left _you_ out.

* * * * *

“How are you to-day?”

“Oh, I can’t kick.”

“Thought you were ill.”

“I am--I have the gout.”

* * * * *

A little girl went to the drug store for some pills.

“Anti-bilious?” asked the clerk. “No, sir. It’s my uncle,” replied the little girl.

* * * * *

That’s my umbrella you have there.

Well, I got it in a pawnshop.

Yes, I soaked it away for a rainy day.

* * * * *

“Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Rich, the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet.”

“And when was that, pray?”

“At the time he was bathing.”

* * * * *

How do you like my suit?

A beautiful suit; who made it?

Carrie Nation.

Why, is she a tailor?

Yes, she made all the saloonkeepers close.

* * * * *

What are you crying about?

A horse ran away with my brother, threw him out of the carriage, and he has been laid up for six months.

Why, that’s nothing. My brother had a terrible accident, too; only his was different; he ran away with the horse. He’s laid up now for six years.

* * * * *

What are you doing now?

I’m brakes-man on a canal boat.

What are the duties of a brakes-man on a canal boat?

Breaking up wood for the cook.

* * * * *

I see they are going to have umbrellas made square.

What for?

Because they are not safe to leave a-round.

* * * * *

Corbett, the prize-fighter, has sold the right to a whiskey firm to name a new brand after him. No doubt it will be a good liquor to make strong punches with.

* * * * *

“And now that we are married, dear, how do you think I will strike your mother?”

“Good gracious, Reuben! You’re not going to begin abusing mother right away, are you?”

* * * * *

Did you hear about it--my wife is married.

To whom?

Why, to me, of course.

* * * * *

Why is a woman’s knee and a Jew alike?

I don’t know.

They are both sheeneys.

* * * * *

“Doctor,” said the friend, stopping him on the street, “what do you take for a heavy cold?” “A fee,” replied the doctor, softly, and he passed on.

* * * * *

_Mrs. Peck_ (hearing a racket in the hall)--What are you up to now, Henry?

_Mr. Peck_ (feebly)--I’m not up to anything, my dear. I just fell down stairs.

* * * * *

I got on a train to-day and rode as far as Yonkers, and the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk all the way back to New York again. I got on another train and went out about thirty miles, and the conductor came around and looked at my ticket and said: “Young man, you are on the wrong train.” I had to get off and walk back to New York again. I got on another train, and, of course, was mad and began to swear; a minister, sitting in a seat behind me, said: “Young man, stop your swearing. Do you know you are on the road to hell?” I said: “Here I am on the wrong train again,” and I had to get off.

* * * * *

“You would be a good dancer but for two things.”

“What are they?”

“Your feet.”

* * * * *

_Gas Man_--Hello! Tom, what are you doing these days?

_Pork Packer_--I’m in the meat business. What are you doing?

_Gas Man_--I go you one degree better. I’m in the meter business.

* * * * *

I went fishing to-day.

What did you catch?

I caught a good eel.

While I was fishing to-day I was standing in water six feet deep.

Oh, come off the perch.

* * * * *

I see your sister is getting quite stout now.

Yes; she is working in a studio.

What has that got to do with it?

Why, she works in the developing room.

* * * * *

Who was George Washington’s father?

Who?

Old man Washington, of course.

* * * * *

I’m surprised at you squandering so much money on a phonograph.

Well, money talks, you know.

* * * * *

“Well, well, the greed of these policemen!”

“What’s the matter now?”

“Why, haven’t you heard about this new Copper Trust?”

* * * * *

Do you attend the bicycle school now?

No. They’re having a terrible falling off of pupils up there.

* * * * *

If a man should cut off his knee, where would he go to get another one?

Where?

To Africa.

Why?

That’s where the ne-groes.

* * * * *

How is your wife now?

Oh, she’s all right, I guess.

She’s got you guessing, eh?

* * * * *

“Witness, did you ever see the prisoner at the bar?” “Oh, yes, that’s where I got acquainted with him.”

* * * * *

I sat before a great artist to-day for my picture.

What did he say?

Wanted to know what color I wanted my nose painted!

* * * * *

_Benedict_--“I’ve been carrying the baby around the door for a week back.”

_Bachelor_--“Carrying the baby for a week back? Pshaw! That’s no remedy at all. What you want for a weak back is a porous plaster.”

* * * * *

I went black-berrying to-day.

You did?

Yes. I went to a colored funeral.

* * * * *

“What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?”

“She gave me a turndown.”

* * * * *

The owner says if we don’t pay our rent he will make it hot for us.

Tell him to go ahead. That’s more than the janitor has ever done.

* * * * *

I went out to feed the horse this morning, and he had his bridle on and couldn’t eat a bit.

* * * * *

“I never play whist except for fun.” “Neither do I; only somebody else generally has the fun.”

* * * * *

“Billy, does your mother give you anything if you take your medicine without crying?” “No; but she gives me something if I don’t.”

* * * * *

“What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in the morning and bang things about because the coffee is cold?” _Wife_: “I would make it hot for you.”

* * * * *

“So you asked old Crusty for his daughter, eh? How did you come out?” “Through the window!”

* * * * *

“I wish you’d pay a little attention to what I say.” “I am, my dear--as little as possible.”

* * * * *

_Emmy_--“I’ve got an invite to the Charity Ball, but not the least idea what I am to go in. What would you wear if you had my complexion?” _Fanny_--“A thick veil.”

* * * * *

I have got a brother that hasn’t slept a night in two months.

How is that?

He is a night-watchman and sleeps day times.

* * * * *

“Were you moved when the old gentleman said you could never marry his daughter?” “Yes; I was moved half way across the sidewalk.”

* * * * *

“I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it left me long ago.”

* * * * *

“What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! can’t you see he’s got a double chin?”

* * * * *

“What is the height of your ambition, dear?” “Oh, something between five and a half and six feet.”

* * * * *

“How do you make chickens good fighters?”

“Feed them scraps.”

* * * * *

A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as he picked himself up, that he thought he had improved in horsemanship, but, instead had fallen off.

* * * * *

Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark light.

* * * * *

“What did you have at the first saloon you stopped at?” asked a lawyer of a witness in an assault and battery case.

“What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.”

“What next?”

“Two glasses of whiskey.”

“Next?”

“One glass of brandy.”

“Next?”

“A FIGHT.”

* * * * *

“I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper.

“Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door.

“Cut it out,” cried the scissors.

“Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked the carpet.

“I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror.

“Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. Everything is all write for mine.”

“Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters.

Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after flaring up, got hot under the collar, and saying that he refused to throw any light on the matter, went out.

* * * * *

“So you were only seventeen when you married? Well, you didn’t have to wait long for a husband, did you?”

“Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five nights a week.”

* * * * *

There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail last summer and all the prisoners “broke out.”

* * * * *

At dinner the other day there was a young lady dining opposite me. I asked her to pass the ice-cream. She did so and I took one big spoonful. I cried like a child. It was horseradish. The young lady asked the cause of my grief. I told her I was thinking of old times and a brother who was hung in Montana. I passed her the “cream.” She took a spoonful and wept copiously. I inquired why she was crying and she said: “I’m crying because you weren’t hung the same time your brother was.”

* * * * *

An acrobat practising a “backward spring” had an “early fall.”

* * * * *

Is your father still running a bunco game?

My father runs a hotel.

Well, that’s the same thing,--he’s bunking people.

* * * * *

My son is an acrobat; he tumbled on a banana peel yesterday.

* * * * *

What is a strait?

A rubber-neck.

No, it is a neck running out to sea.

Well, ain’t that a rubber-neck?

* * * * *

Two dentists had a fight the other day and the result was a “draw.” A man who was doing some “bridge work” near by saw the fight and had them arrested. One was discharged because he had a “pull” with the judge; the other dentist is now “filling” in time.

* * * * *

“I don’t like the way Mr. Jones kisses you.”

“Don’t find fault, papa; remember he’s only just beginning!”

* * * * *

A man stole ten thousand dollars in New York and settled in Canada.

* * * * *

“My dear, why are you saving those old fly-papers?” “Why, you said you always have to buy flies when you go fishing.”

* * * * *

A church choir played a game of ball the other day. The preacher came out to the ground to compare “notes,” but made a “short stop,” and when the “tenor” got put out on “first bass” they went home “alto”-gether.

* * * * *

“My husband has given up smoking.”

“It must have taken some will-power.”

“All I had.”

* * * * *

“It’s my treat to-night,” said the summer youth, as he bought the ice cream for the girls on the piazza.

“That’s all right,” said the doctor. “I will treat to-morrow.”

* * * * *

Did you ever hear about the egg in the coffee?

No.

That settles it.

* * * * *

“What’s the difference between the mumps and the measles?”

“Why, in the mumps you shut up and in the measles you break out.”

* * * * *

_Inventor_--If this invention doesn’t work, I’ll--

_Wife_ (alarmed)--W-what, Frank?

_Inventor_--Have to!

* * * * *

“What drove you to drink?”

“Thirst.”

* * * * *

A colored man by the name of Berry was working for a farmer (who was somewhat of a wag). Addressing him one morning, he said, “Go gather in the straw, Berry, and tell the young boys to pick the goose, Berry; the older ones the elder, Berry; the girls the black, Berry, and don’t look so blue, Berry.”

* * * * *

“I guess your wife made a deep impression on you.”

“Oh, yes, twice.”

“Twice?”

“Yes, once when we first met and another time she hit me on the head with a rolling pin.”

* * * * *

“I suppose she has something saved for a rainy day?”

“Oh, yes; an umbrella and a mackintosh.”

* * * * *

Two young ladies took a long tramp through the woods. Who brought him back?

* * * * *

“Hello! waiter, where is that ox tail soup?”

“Coming, sir--half a minute.”

“Confound you! How slow you are.”

“Fault of the soup, sir. Ox tail is always behind.”

* * * * *

“Were you cool in battle?” “Cool--why, I shivered.”

* * * * *

I went out to the races and bet.

How did you come out?

At the gate.

* * * * *

“How old are you?”

“Some take me for fifteen.”

“Street cars take me for five.”

* * * * *

“Brown has seen many a man in a tight place.”

“What is he, a pawnbroker?”

“No, he’s a bartender.”

* * * * *

“Who is that woman you tipped your hat to this morning?”

“Ah, my boy, I owe a great deal to her.”

“Oh, your mother?”

“No, my washwoman.”

* * * * *

Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?

Sure I do.

Glue it to the floor.

* * * * *

If I ever hit you, you will never forget it.

If I ever hit you, you will never remember it.

* * * * *

Why is the ankle between the foot and the knee? To keep the calf from the corn.

* * * * *

“Can’t you read that sign up there? Ten dollars fine for smoking.”

“I am not superstitious, and don’t believe in signs.”

* * * * *

“I fell asleep in the grave-yard last night.”

“On the dead?”

* * * * *

“What are you doing now?”

“I’m working on the town clock.”

“If that’s so you must be working overtime.”

* * * * *

A girl goes into a store to buy garters.

“What kind?”

“Rubber.”

“I’d lose my job if I did.”

* * * * *

“I hear your uncle died and left his fortune to an orphan asylum.”

“Yes.”

“What did he leave?”

“Fifteen children.”

* * * * *

“Do you know ping-pong?”

“Sure! He washes my shirts.”

* * * * *

There was a German friend of mine who was quite sick for some time. The doctor told him he might eat anything he wanted. He told his wife he believed he would like some Limburger cheese. His wife was a good-hearted woman; she went out and got twenty pounds of this distinct cheese, and put some in every room in the house, that he might get a nip whenever he wanted it (you can imagine the aroma in that house). The doctor called the next morning, and rang the bell; when the servant opened the door, the doctor paused a moment, then said, “When did he die?”

* * * * *

“I guess I’ll go out and get the air.”

“If you do I’ll put words to it.”

* * * * *

Do you know that I invented smokeless tobacco.

What kind of tobacco is that?

Chewing.

* * * * *

When a man longs for money he is generally short.

* * * * *

“You have a big head this morning.”

“Yes; I was drinking lots of water last night.”

“Why, you can’t get drunk on water!”

“Certainly, my boy; you can get drunk on water just the same as you can on land.”

* * * * *

A GIRL WANTED (in a bakery).--A _rising_ young woman from the (y)east, must be _floury_ in speech, well _bread_ and not inclined to _loaf_, not get _mixed up_, be _pie_-us and sober. To such a one her _dough_ will be paid every night. Any suitable young girl able to _cracker_ joke and _kneeding_ this job may apply to Miss LADY FINGER or LUKE WARMWATER.

_Doughnut_ come unless well recommended. One preferred who can _roll up_ and _turn over bun_-dles so quickly as to take the _cake_, but not be _tart_, _snap_-py or _crust_-y or _puff_unctory in her conduct.

* * * * *

“Why does your wife use that pretty bathing suit?”

“Just as a matter of form. They’d arrest her, you know, if she went in without it.”

* * * * *

“Does your wife miss you much?”

“No; she can throw as straight as I can.”

* * * * *

“Did you ever see a pig wash?”

“No, but I saw pig iron.”

* * * * *

“How is your farm this year?”

“A failure. My potatoes had no eyes and they couldn’t see to grow.”

* * * * *

_She_--I hid a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can’t find it anywhere.

_He_--Did you look among the Vs, dear?

* * * * *

I would never play poker with a dentist.

Why not?

It’s too easy for him to draw and fill.

* * * * *

“Well, Tom, what are you working at now?”

“Nutting.”

“Nothing--well, that’s a healthy occupation for a big man.”

“Sure, I work in a nut and bolt factory, putting nuts on bolts, ain’t that nutting?”

* * * * *

I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach.

That’s nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle.

* * * * *

“I think I’ll celebrate my golden wedding to-morrow.”

“Why, you must be crazy! You’ve only been married a little over a year.”

“I can hardly believe it! It seems like fifty.”

* * * * *

What did the Judge say when you sassed him?

He said I was a trifle too free, and gave me sixty days.

* * * * *

Just the other day my wife paid Ten Dollars for a pair of silk hose. I told her that Ten Dollars was too much to pay for a pair of silk stockings. She said she didn’t care which way the wind blowed, she wanted something to show for her money.

* * * * *

Did you ever hear a fairy story?

Yes, a friend of mine told me about a fairy who pinched his watch.

* * * * *

What is the difference between a cat and a match?

A cat lights on its feet and a match lights on its head.

* * * * *

“I saw a freak of nature yesterday.”

“What was it?”

“A baby born with human hands and bear feet.”

* * * * *

“Is your wife a victim of bargain days?”

“No, I’m the victim. She seems to enjoy them.”

* * * * *

“Horrible fire in the shoe factory.”

“Any lives lost?”

“A thousand souls” (soles).

* * * * *

Why did they make the hand on the Statue of Liberty 11 inches long?

I don’t know.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have been a foot.

* * * * *

“My wife plays the piano entirely by ear.”

“That’s nothing! A friend of mine plays a mouth-harp with his nose.”

* * * * *

“What would you do if I should kiss you?”

“I should call for help?”

“H’m. Do you really think I’d need any help?”

* * * * *

“Do you think there is any danger in going up in a balloon?”

“Not half as much as there is in coming down.”

* * * * *

“I married my typewriter.”

“Why?”

“So I can dictate to her.”

* * * * *

My wife gave birth to triplets.

Why don’t you tell her to stop her kidding?

* * * * *

“May I print a kiss on your cheek?” I asked.

She nodded her sweet permission;

So we went to press, and I rather guess

I printed a large edition.

* * * * *

“Stingy Bill won’t pay for a glass of lager.”

“What does he do?”

“Hires root beer.”

* * * * *

“There was an accident at Mr. Child’s house yesterday. He broke through the mattress and fell into the spring.”

* * * * *

“My mother-in-law is nearly sixty years old.”

“That’s nothing. If mine lives long enough she’ll be a hundred and sixty.”

* * * * *

“Are you still following the races?”

“Yes, but if I ever catch up with them I’m going to quit.”

* * * * *

“What is our old friend Hardup doing nowadays?”

“O, he’s gone into real estate.”

“That’s the very last thing I should have supposed he’d do.”

“It was; he’s dead.”

* * * * *

When my mother-in-law was sick, I went to her bedside, and began to cry. She said, “Don’t cry, we will meet in the other world.” I began to go to church right away.

* * * * *

_Passerby_--Say, boy, your dog bit me on the ankle!

_Boy_--Well, dat’s as high as he could reach. You wouldn’t expect a little pup like him to bite yer neck would yer?

* * * * *

“A scoundrel insulted my wife and I walked five miles through a blinding snow-storm to his home so that I could give him a thrashing.”

“My! but that was a distance to walk to thrash a man. Did you walk back?”

“No, I rode back in an ambulance.”

* * * * *

“Is your sister ever out of temper?”

“I should say not. She’s got it to give away.”

* * * * *

“What time is it?” asked his wife suspiciously as he came in.

“About one.”

Just then the clock struck three.

“Gracious! when did that clock commence to stutter?” he asked, with a feeble attempt at justification and a joke.

* * * * *

“What’s become of those patent-leather shoes you wore last winter?”

“They have gone to the wall.”

“Why? Wasn’t the leather good?”

“Yes, but the patent expired.”

* * * * *

What is the difference between a man and a hen?

A man can lay an egg on a red hot stove without burning himself, and a hen can’t.

* * * * *

My brother had over fifty thousand men under him.

He must have been a great general.

No, he was in a balloon.

* * * * *

I wish that the good Lord had made me a man.

Perhaps he has, but you haven’t found him yet.

* * * * *

“I fell off a sixty-five foot ladder to-day.”

“It’s a miracle you weren’t killed.”

“Oh, I only fell off the first round.”

* * * * *

“There was a fight at the baker shop.”

“What caused it?”

“A stale loaf of bread got fresh.”

* * * * *

“Do you know my brother?”

“Which one, the one with the smooth face?”

“No, the one with the hair lip. Well, he attempted to beat his wife last night, and two policemen rushed in just in time to prevent murder.”

“Horrible! Did they take him to jail?”

“No, to the hospital.”

* * * * *

If a hen laid an orange, what would her chickens say?

I don’t know; what would they say?

Oh, look at the orange mar-ma-lade.

* * * * *

I used to work in a watch factory.

What did you do?

I made faces.

* * * * *

“What time is it by thet thar clock, Silas?” inquired the old lady in the Grand Central depot.

“That ain’t a clock, mother; that’s a weighing machine.”

“Land sakes! What do they have that fur in a depot?”

“So’s the folks kin git away, I s’pose,” said Silas solemnly.

* * * * *

How did that sausage that you ate agree with you?

It hurt my liver wurst.

* * * * *

A minister was horrified one Sunday to see a boy in the gallery of the church pelting the hearers in the pews below with horse chestnuts. As the good man looked up, the boy cried out: “You tend to your preaching, Mister. I’ll keep ’em awake.”

* * * * *

“Say, what kind of a race was that you and your wife had?”

“Race? Why, we didn’t have any race.”

“Now, that’s funny. The neighbors told me that you beat her.”

* * * * *

We got a cow and she doesn’t give any milk. We take it away from her.

* * * * *

“What is the greatest hydraulic feat of the age?”

“Flushing Long Island.”

* * * * *

“They say that whiskey has killed more men than bullets.”

“Well, I’d sooner be full of whiskey than bullets, wouldn’t you?”

* * * * *

“Hello, is this you, Doctor?”

“Yes,” says Doctor.

“My mother-in-law is at death’s door, so come up at once and help me to pull her through.”

* * * * *

Beer always makes me fat.

Beer makes me lean--against telegraph poles and houses.

* * * * *

“Are you sure these corsets are unbreakable?” asked the doubting customer.

“I have been wearing a pair myself for a year,” said the shop girl, “and they are not broken yet. And,” she continued, blushing, “I’m engaged.”

* * * * *

“All I have eaten in two days is one bowl of soup.”

“That’s nothing, old chap. I lived two weeks once on water.”

“On water! and you lived?”

“Lived fine. I was spending my vacation on a canal boat.”

* * * * *

“When I marry I’ll marry a candy woman.”

“Why?”

“Well, if I don’t like her I can lick her.”

* * * * *

A schoolma’am once caught the janitor in a falsehood and thereupon asked him where he supposed he’d go if he told such stories. The janitor replied that wherever he went he expected he’d be making fires for the school-teachers.

* * * * *

A drunken barber while shaving a minister cut him. The minister said: “You see what drink does.”

_Drunken Barber_--“Yes. It makes the skin verra tender.”

* * * * *

I saw a terrible accident happen while I was in Chicago. A street-car run over a little girl and cut both of her hands off. I ran to her and was going to pick her up, when she hollered, “Hands off!”

* * * * *

“How’s your brother?”

“Why, my brother is away for three years.”

“Yes, I was there. I thought he’d get ten.”

“Well, my brother’s smart.”

“You bet. I didn’t think they’d catch him.”

“Well, you never mind my brother.”

“I don’t have to. There are men paid for minding him.”

* * * * *

“Where do you think I got this collar?”

“Where?”

“Around my neck.”

* * * * *

“I’ve got a lot of money in England and I don’t know how to get it over here.”

“Well, just sit down and think it over.”

* * * * *

A western farmer writes to his local paper: “If your people want to see a big hog, come out to my farm and ask for me.”

* * * * *

“Ma, what is an angel?”

“An angel is one that flies.”

“Why, Pa says my governess is an angel.”

“Yes, and she’s going to fly, too.”

* * * * *

I can’t sing since I worked for a baker.

Why not?

I can’t get any higher than dough.

* * * * *

“What did the doctor do after he pulled your teeth?”

“He pulled my leg.”

* * * * *

“I understand they can’t play Quo Vadis next season.”

“Why is that?”

“The beef trust has taken the bull away from them.”

* * * * *

“They say that Eve is the only woman that never looked behind her to see what the other woman had on. But then you know she was only a side issue.”

* * * * *

I took a prize once on these roller skates.

How did you do it?

The man wasn’t looking.

* * * * *

Mr. and Mrs. Nichols and their little boy were introduced recently as “fifteen cents” (three nickels).

* * * * *

“Did your sister marry a rich husband?”

“No. He’s a rich man, but a poor husband.”

* * * * *

“What’s your occupation?”

“I’m janitor of a car.”

“Well, I never heard of a car having a janitor. I’ve heard of the janitor of a flat.”

“Well, this is a flat car.”

* * * * *

I cut my dog’s tail off.

Did it make any difference with his carriage?

No, but it stopped his wagon.

* * * * *

The drummer looked across the aisle. The seat beside the pretty girl was vacant. Going over, he said: “Is this seat engaged?”

“No,” said the girl, “but I am; so it won’t do you any good.”

* * * * *

“No more parlor matches. They’re against the law,” said Reginald.

“Come out on the veranda,” said Gladys, hastily leading the way.

* * * * *

“I did a good thing to-day.”

“Where did you meet him?”

* * * * *

“How long was your father in the penitentiary?”

“Ten years.”

“They weren’t in a hurry to let him out, were they?”

“No, you have to take your time there.”

* * * * *

The other day I started on a business trip and told my wife I would not be home that night. I missed the train and arrived home at about eleven o’clock. My wife in answer to my ring called down: “Is that you, Jack?” I remain at home now.

P. S.--My name is Bill.

* * * * *

“My son tells me you have discharged him,” said the office boy’s mother. “It’s very strange; you advertised for a strong boy and that’s what he is----”

“He’s too strong, madam,” replied the employer; “in the single day he was here he broke all the rules of this office and some of the furniture.”

* * * * *

A stout woman said to a little boy: “Can you tell me if I can get through this gate to the park?”

He said: “I guess so. A load of hay just went through.”

* * * * *

When your wife died, did she leave you any real estate?

Yes, she left the earth.

* * * * *

My wife dresses out of sight.

That’s the proper place for her to dress.

* * * * *

_Widson_--I wonder what induced Jumkins to marry his typewriter?

_Booler_--Why, didn’t you know that he’d been trying for years to get a typewriter of his own?

* * * * *

“Is your watch all right, now?”

“No, but it’s gaining.”

* * * * *

George Little has a wife and nine children and only earns eight dollars a week but he gets along splendidly.

How does he manage to do it on such a small salary?

Why, every little helps.

* * * * *

The other day an ear of corn was run over by an automobile and three kernels were killed.

* * * * *

_She_--We haven’t seen much of you this week.

_He_--I saw a good deal--at least I saw you--er--last Tuesday.

_She_--Did you? Where was I? Cycling?

_He_--Not at the moment. You were just falling over the handles.

* * * * *

I’ve got a brother that’s awful funny. People come from miles around to see him cut up, he’s a butcher, and he always dresses to kill.

* * * * *

“An Indiana man is making a study of perpetual motion.”

“What does he model it on?”

“His wife’s tongue.”

* * * * *

Are you a carpenter?

Yes.

How would you make a Venetian blind?

Punch him in the eye.

* * * * *

There was a piece of cold pudding on the lunch table and mamma divided it between Willie and Elsie. Willie looked at his mother’s empty plate.

“Mamma,” he said, earnestly, “I can’t enjoy my pudding when you haven’t any. Take Elsie’s.”

* * * * *

“I wonder what makes so many letters go to the dead-letter office?”

“Why, I suppose it’s because the addresses are so perfectly killing.”

* * * * *

Do you know that my little dog is dead?

I suppose he either swallowed a tape-line and died by inches, or else went up the alley and died by the yard.

Oh, no, he crawled away up under the bed and died by the foot.

* * * * *

_Husband_--Why are you so angry at the doctor?

_Wife_--When I told him I had a terrible tired feeling, he told me to show him my tongue.

* * * * *

In a prison scene, a man is supposed to be shot while filing the bars of his cell in an effort to escape. The pistol failed to explode and the prisoner finally dropped as though dead. The guard, whose pistol refused to work, gazed at him in astonishment for a second, then with great presence of mind, he raised both hands and exclaimed in a tone of horror: “My God! He’s swallowed the file!”

* * * * *

Show me a man who likes to be interrupted in the middle of a sentence.

All right. Come along with me to the nearest prison.

* * * * *

“Poor Swickles thoroughly enjoyed life.”

“Yes, he enjoyed it so much that people are getting up a fund for his widow and children.”

* * * * *

My sister married a street-car conductor. They ain’t getting along very well together.

Why don’t she get a transfer?

* * * * *

“I’ll see you through,” as the surgeon said to the patient just before turning on the _x_-rays.

* * * * *

_Beggar_--Please give a poor old blind man a dime?

_Citizen_--Why, you can see out of one eye.

_Beggar_--Well, then, give me a nickel.

* * * * *

“The other day, I saw a farmer on Fourteenth Street, so I asked him to hold my cigar while I went into Huber’s. When I came out, he was there with the cigar, all right.”

“Well, he wasn’t a farmer.”

“No? What was he?”

“A cigar-holder.”

* * * * *

“Doesn’t her hair look killing?”

“No wonder; it’s dyed.”

* * * * *

“If they put the _x_-ray over the hand the bones will come right out.”

“Bring it over to the house fish day.”

* * * * *

“How did you get your start in life?”

“My little sister shoved me downstairs.”

“No, no. I mean how did you earn your fortune?”

“I made all of my money selling wisdom.”

“Oh, then you were a bookseller.”

“No, I was a bookmaker.”

* * * * *

“Is your brother, the bank cashier, behind in his accounts?”

“No. The bank’s behind. My brother’s ahead.”

* * * * *

“I lost my watch in the river three years ago, and it is still running.”

“The river?”

“The installment jeweler’s bill.”

* * * * *

The man that makes bets is a gambler, and the man that don’t is no bettor.

* * * * *

I have got a smart little dog that tracked me for five miles by the scent of my feet.

Why don’t you take a bath and fool him?

* * * * *

“James, my son,” said the man, who stood mixing milk and water, “ye see what I’m a-doin’ of?”

“Yes, father,” replied James; “you’re a-pouring water into the milk.”

“No, I’m not, James; I’m a-pouring milk into the water. So, if anybody axes you if I put water into the milk, you tell ’em no. Allus stick to the truth, James. Cheatin’ is bad enough, but lyin’ is wuss.”

* * * * *

_Whyte_--I always make it a rule to kiss my wife whenever I leave the house in the morning and when I come home at night.

_Browne_--That’s right. I would if I were you.

* * * * *

“Gracious me! I think papa is going to take that young man into the family.”

“Why, dear?”

“Well, when they were playing cards last night I distinctly heard papa say: ‘I think I’ll raise you, Harry.’”

* * * * *

“It looks like thirty cents, doesn’t it?”

“What does?”

“A nickel and a quarter.”

* * * * *

“How does your brother like the job of running an elevator?”

“Oh, he’s taken up with it.”

* * * * *

_Dusty Dolittle_--De old guy offered me a job turning a grindstone!

_Weary Willie_--Wasn’t yer shocked?

_Dusty Dolittle_--Shocked! Why, I didn’t know which way to turn.

* * * * *

Where are you living now?

Up in the tenth story of a brick building.

Have you got any children?

No, the elevator is broke, and we can’t raise them.

* * * * *

“See here, waiter! Do you call that roast beef? It’s nothing but cow-hide!”

“What do you expect for a twenty-five cent dinner? Morocco?”

* * * * *

Mrs. Tizzletop overheard her son, Johnny, swear like a trooper.

“Why, Johnny,” she exclaimed, “Who taught you to swear like that?”

“Taught me to swear,” exclaimed Johnny, “Why, it’s me who teaches the other boys.”

* * * * *

_Guest_--“What are these chops, lamb or pork?”

_Waiter_--“Can’t you tell by the taste?”

_Guest_--“No.”

_Waiter_--“Well then, what difference does it make?”

* * * * *

Do you think it is possible for a thing that has no life to move?

I have seen a watch spring, a match box, a plank walk and a banana stand. I have even seen a cat fish, and a horse fly.

* * * * *

Before marriage, he sits and holds her hand. He don’t dare let go. If he did she’d pick his pockets. After marriage, there’s rent to pay. And there’s the coal bill to pay. And there’s the butcher to pay. Then his mother-in-law comes to visit him and there’s the devil to pay.

* * * * *

Is the Lord everywhere?

Yes, my child.

Is he in our cellar?

Yes, dear.

He is not. We have no cellar.

* * * * *

A Chinaman is the greatest curiosity in the world because he has a head and tail on the same end.

* * * * *

_Wife_--How did you get along while I was away?

_Husband_--I kept house for about ten days, and then I went boarding.

_Wife_--Boarding! Why didn’t you go on keeping house?

_Husband_--Couldn’t; all the dishes were dirty.

* * * * *

“What makes you so foolish?”

“It’s my mother’s fault.”

“Why, how is that?”

“She made me sleep under a crazy quilt.”

* * * * *

“And we have one baby,” said the meek man, who was applying for board; “will you mind it?”

“Mind it!” snapped the thin-faced landlady. “Of course not! Do you think I’m a nurse?”

* * * * *

“What did you get that bronze medal for?”

“For singing.”

“What did you get the gold one for?”

“For quitting.”

* * * * *

“I saw a couple of blue jays on Broadway, yesterday.”

“Yes. In a millinery store?”

“No, alive. They were jays from the country and they were blue with cold.”

* * * * *

_Tourist_--“Pretty dull around here.”

_Rube_--“Jest now ’tis. Yew wait a couple of months and see how this place’ll be stirred up.”

_Tourist_--“What’s going to happen?”

_Rube_--“Ploughin’.”

* * * * *

“I went into Macy’s last summer to get my wife a shirt-waist. She wanted something extremely thin. So I said to the floor-walker, ‘Will you show me the thinnest thing you’ve got in a shirt-waist?’”

“He said, ‘I would, but she’s just gone to lunch.’”

* * * * *

“If I like the Waldorf Astoria I’m going to buy it.”

“And if I was as drunk as you are I’d sell it to you right now.”

* * * * *

What is your business?

I am a diamond cutter.

Where did you ever cut any diamonds?

Out at the baseball grounds. I used to cut the grass off of the diamond.

* * * * *

A woman got on a car with a baby. I began to look at it and she said, “Rubber.” I said, “Is that so? I thought it was real.”

* * * * *

“That was a handsome woman in the pink tights.”

“What was the color of her hair?”

“I didn’t notice her face.”

* * * * *

How do you like married life?

Oh, I live like a bird.

How is that?

I have to fly for my life.

* * * * *

“They say that the blind can determine color by the sense of touch?”

“Sure, I once knew a blind man who was able to tell a red-hot stove by merely putting his finger on it.”

* * * * *

“By the way, did you recover the umbrella you lost last week?”

“No; but I recovered a better one that I didn’t lose.”

* * * * *

“Is that punch bowl cut glass?”

“Yes. Cut from $2 to $1.98.”

* * * * *

“A man said to me to-day, ‘where did you get that face?’ I told him that it belonged to me, and he said he didn’t know but that I’d beat a bull-dog out of it. The idea. You know a man can’t choose his face, nor his hair nor his eyes. He’s lucky if he can pick his teeth.”

* * * * *

“His father is the meanest man I ever knew. He never buys any coal. He lives near a railroad and makes faces at the engineer.”

* * * * *

“I saw your sister on the street to-day.”

“How was she looking?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t see her face.”

“How did you know it was my sister?”

“Oh, I’m quick at figures.”

* * * * *

“What do you take for the grip?”

“Oh, I get it without taking anything.”

* * * * *

You know that fifty-dollar watch I used to carry?

Yes.

I pawned it for five dollars.

That’s time wasted.

* * * * *

_Old Lady_ (sniffing)--“What’s that odor I smell?”

_Farmer_--“That’s fertilizer.”

_Old Lady_ (astonished)--“For the land’s sake!”

_Farmer_--“Yes, ma’am.”

* * * * *

I went into a restaurant to-day and the girl who came to take my order said: “I’ve got calves’ brains, frog’s legs, chicken’s liver, and--” I interrupted her. I said, “You ought to see a doctor.”

* * * * *

When a boy is too old to sleep with his parents, what do they do with him?

I suppose they get him a bed of his own.

No. They boycott him.

* * * * *

_Critic_--Your work seems a little raw.

_Poet_--It oughtn’t to be. It’s been roasted enough.

* * * * *

My sister’s husband got a divorce from her.

What for?

For making bad coffee.

That was poor grounds.

* * * * *

_Bill_--Your friend Crimsonbeak reminds me of the moon.

_Jill_--Because he’s out late nights?

_Bill_--No; because he appears to be brightest when full.

* * * * *

“We never remember the faces of those we love most dearly.”

“That’s so! To save me I can’t tell what a hundred-dollar-bill looks like!”

* * * * *

“Didn’t I tell you I wanted you to run an errand for me?” asked the mother the third time.

“Yes, maw,” said Johnnie, laying down his literature.

And as the boy started to the grocery he muttered to himself: “I hope Seven-fingered Sam won’t kill Old Sleuth ’till I git back.”

* * * * *

“How did you know that Charlie Coleman was a teacher?”

“Didn’t you see me look into his eyes?”

“Yes.”

“I could see his pupils.”

* * * * *

“I’m following the horses now.”

“Are you beating them?”

“No. I lost my whip.”

* * * * *

“You remind me of a river.”

“How so?”

“The biggest part of you is your mouth.”

* * * * *

“I dreamed last night, that I had a million dollars.”

“I thought so. I spoke to you twice during the night and you never noticed me.”

* * * * *

_Myra_--“What kind of a husband would you advise me to get?”

_Jessie_--“You get a single man and let the husbands alone.”

* * * * *

_Hiram_--“Yew must of felt all-fired sheepish when yew got buncoed by thet there confidence feller.”

_Josh_--“Naturally; didn’t I get fleeced?”

* * * * *

“I don’t see how she can marry such a little man. Why, she could carry him in her pocket.”

“Oh, dear, no! Never fear. He’ll be out of pocket all the time after he marries her.”

* * * * *

“How long do you expose a plate in taking a picture?”

“Oh, about three seconds.”

“Well, suppose it’s a living picture?”

“No limit.”

* * * * *

“What caused the death of Mary Murphy?”

“She dreamt she was a frog and croaked.”

* * * * *

“It was my good fortune that my ancestors came over in the Mayflower,” said Miss South Church.

“May flour,” replied Miss Hennepin, who did not quite understand. “Our folks made their fortune in September wheat.”

* * * * *

What is an Island?

A pimple on the Ocean.

What is a strait?

Nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King.

* * * * *

“What did you steal that cradle for?”

“Oh, just for a kid.”

* * * * *

“Why, the bare idea!”

“Of what, dear?”

“Telling the naked truth!”

* * * * *

“Are you going to the seashore this summer?”

“Not me; I was bored almost to death there last year.”

“Not enough men?”

“No; too many mosquitoes.”

* * * * *

“Say, there ain’t no bell in my room.”

“Well, if youse want anyt’ing, wring de towel. See?”

* * * * *

“I was down to the race track yesterday and played a horse 20 to 1.”

“Well?”

“He didn’t come in until quarter to six.”

* * * * *

“Airships will be all the rage soon.”

“Well, it is nothing unusual for people to fly in a rage.”

* * * * *

“Seeing is believing, you know.”

“Not always. I see you frequently, but I seldom believe you.”

* * * * *

“What is a profitless enterprise?”

“Telling hair-raising stories to a baldheaded man.”

* * * * *

“After all a hammock is nothing but a net.”

“You are right. Many a girl makes a good catch in one.”

* * * * *

I see there is a plan to tax the barbers of Kansas City, Kan., $1 each annually--won’t it work a hardship on them?

They can easily scrape up the money.

* * * * *

“That young man who calls on you twice a week stays too late. You will have to sit down on him.”

“Why, I do, mamma.”

* * * * *

Do you know Minnie Fish?

Yes, I’m going to drop her a line.

* * * * *

“Does your wife miss you when you are away from home?”

“No; but she frequently misses me when I’m at home.”

“How’s that?”

“Her aim isn’t accurate.”

* * * * *