Chapter I: Part 1

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE
Some minor changes to the text are noted at the end of the book.

UNCLE TWEAZY

AND HIS

QUIZZICAL NEIGHBOURS.

Plummer and Brewis, Printers, Love-lane, Eastcheap.

UNCLE TWEAZY

AND HIS

QUIZZICAL NEIGHBOURS:

_A COMI-SATIRIC NOVEL_.

IN THREE VOLUMES.

BY

_The Author of the_ “_Observant Pedestrian_,”

&c. &c. &c.

“Holds to the world a picture of itself,
“And raises sly the fair impartial laugh.”
_Thomson’s Winter._

VOL. I.

_LONDON_:

PRINTED FOR W. SIMPKIN AND R. MARSHALL,
STATIONERS’-COURT, LUDGATE-STREET.

1816.

UNCLE TWEAZY.

CHAP. I.

In the centrical part of a small village, not an hundred and fifty miles from the capital, resided my old uncle Peter Tweazy, one of the most petulant and unprepossessing of human beings, but so eminently endowed with the favours of fortune, that not a mushroom-picker or a plough-boy passed his gate, without dropping a bob-curtsey or a hob-nail scrape and a nod, if they could but discover the tip of Squire Tweazy’s red velvet night-cap through any window in the house; or if that was not the case, they mechanically bowed to the gate itself; for they were told always to homage the squire, as he could, when he pleased, be bountiful to the children of indigence.

Petulant beyond all idea, he was literally a living monument of self perplexity; for having been crossed in love in the early part of life, he had never forgot the disappointment, and was now in his sixty-fifth year, the most ill-natured man in existence, and certainly one of the most unpleasant companions upon earth. If he frowned, every brow must instantly contract; if perchance he forced a smile, every body must dilate their muscles from a simper to a broad grin; in short, the whole world must conform to his humour, though he took especial care never to conform to any body’s.

One poor slave in the shape of a housekeeper, who had patiently borne the yoke of his troublesome services thirty years, and old Geoffry, who officiated in the united capacities of butler, groom, valet, and gardener, composed the favourites of the family, with the exception only of Alice the cook, whom he boasted could alike dress him a turtle or potatoe in perfection, a qualification which few women possessed; and my poor uncle being a great epicure, Mrs. Alice’s culinary talents were highly prized by her master, which with the occasional promise of being scratched down in one corner of his will, as a reward for past services, made her doubly diligent.

Now, though my uncle was excessively morose, he could, when the humour suited, be sociable with his neighbours; and as every one was aware of his temper, they heeded not his petulance; all looked upon him as an eccentric being; the opulent admired him for his talents, which at times, when he liked his companions, he could most ably exert; and the indigent feared his frowns. So that upon the whole, his virtues counterpoised his vices, temper excepted, which overbalanced all bounds; but as people used to say, there was no knowing _who_ might become his heir, (having quarrelled all his life with the major part of his family, my father excepted,) and I happening to have been a great favourite with him when a school boy, I determined to try my luck with the old gentleman, and accordingly, self-invited, I formed a plan of passing a fortnight with him; and receiving his most gracious answer and assent, I left London with a full determination to _bear_ and _forbear_, and in thirty hours found myself at his gate.

“How is your master, Geoffry?”

“Much as _usual_, Sir,” and Geoffry sighed. I therefore concluded by the doleful cast of his countenance, that all was not right; however, he opened the parlour door, and in I walked, greeting the old squire, as I thought, very politely.

“How d’ye do, good Sir? I’m rejoiced to see you.”

“I guessed as much, nephew; I guessed as much, by your being in too great a hurry to _wipe_ your shoes, but I can assure you, my servants won’t _rejoice_ at the trouble of cleaning the hall; you have made more dirt in one moment, than I do in a year.”

“I beg ten thousand pardons, Sir.”

“Pshaw, boy!” (and he curled up his nose like a snarling dog) “that’s nine hundred and ninety-nine too many. Why exaggerate? Why talk nonsense?”

“Wrong again,” said I to myself; “well, but how do you find yourself, Sir?” and I ventured to take a chair.

“Why, I find myself every thing I should not be; a mere composition of pain and perplexity; every body and every thing conspires to torment me. How’s your father and mother, hey, boy?”

“Charming, Sir, I thank you.”

“Charming?” repeated my uncle with a sarcastic drawl, “that is impossible.”

“I must beg leave to differ from you in that point, Sir; there are not two more worthy people on earth than my father and mother.”

“Different people, different opinions,” rejoined my uncle, carelessly taking a pinch of snuff. “Any news in town, child?”

“Nothing particular, Sir.”

“Aye, we live in a sad world; I’m sick of it.”

“Very troublesome times, indeed, Sir,” replied I, most humbly acquiescent.

“Not troublesome at all, if a parcel of foolish headstrong folks did not trouble themselves with what don’t concern them; but pray don’t talk politics in my presence; it’s a subject I detest. Well, but now you haven’t told how your father and mother do?”

“Both well, Sir; they have sent you a turbot, of which they beg your acceptance.”

“Humph! Why did they do that, child, when it’s the _only_ fish I detest; I can’t bear the very name of it.”

“Bless me, how unlucky!” exclaimed I.

“Not at all,” replied my uncle; “I shall make a present of it to the parson; he won’t think it unlucky, I’ll be bound; so it’s all mighty well, if it’s honestly _paid_ for.”

This sarcasm uttered with much gravity, gave my temper a fillip; but I swallowed the pill, and directing my eye towards the garden, I observed how delightfully pleasant it appeared.

“I don’t think it looks pleasant at all,” said my uncle.

“It’s a delightful day, Sir.”

“By no means; it’s too sultry; it’s going to rain; there’s a nasty blight hanging in the air.”

“Well, I’m no great judge, to be sure, Sir.”

“So it’s a sign; you need not have blown a cracked trumpet.”

“Why, I’m a cockney to be sure, Sir.”

“So much the better,” said my uncle; “an honest cockney can never be a bad man.”

Unfortunately, at this moment I happened to stretch my listless form upon the chair, and slid one of my legs across the marble hearth.

“Mercy defend me!” exclaimed my uncle, “is that the new fashioned way of sitting on a chair, or are you inventing caricature postures? See, your shoes are sprawled over my hearth. If I had wanted the polish rasped off in that manner, I could have sent for one of my plough-boys.”

I begged pardon, withdrew my truant foot, seated myself in an upright posture; but, alas, having assumed the indulgence of lolling my elbow on the table, and drumming a little stave of vexation with my fingers.

“Boy! boy!” rejoined my uncle, “have a care; see how you are spoiling your coat, and ruining my bright table. What, are you making drumsticks of your fingers, on purpose to render them as dubby as a cobler’s; dear me, how terribly troublesome an unthinking person makes himself for want of a moment’s attention.”

The flush of vexation crossed my cheek, and I took out my handkerchief to erase the spots, which I began rubbing off.

“Zounds!” exclaimed my uncle, “why, the fellow’s mad; d’ye think we have not something of less value in the house than a silk handkerchief, to make a dishclout of? Ring the bell; do, pray, if you can.” Not doubting my own abilities, I seized the pull and off set such alarum as might have roused the whole village.

My uncle jumped up, stamped his feet, stopped his ears, and paced the room like a madman, till the vibration ceased, and old Geoffry stood bowing before him to know what he pleased to want.

“My hearing, my senses, a new pair of drums to my ears,” said my uncle; “I’ll tell you what, nephew, in cool blood,” (though he foamed with passion,) “if ever you ring a bell again in such a manner in my house, I’ll knock you down; you’ll excuse me, but I shall certainly knock you down.” I bowed, and assured him I should for the future be more on my guard.

“I desire you will,” continued my uncle, “or else you’ll plague my soul out. Here, Geoffry, see if you can find any thing in the house to rub these spots out with, except my best laced ruffled shirt; or if you can’t, my nephew will lend you the elbow of his _new_ coat, or a _silk_ handkerchief.”

Geoffry withdrew, and I again adjusted another erect position, but most unfortunately for me, he had left the door open, and my uncle requesting me to shut it, I mechanically slammed it too with my left hand.

“Plague take the fellow!” exclaimed my uncle, “I shall run wild. What d’ye mean by banging the door with one hand, as if God hadn’t given you two; one would think that you was a white-smith, trying to spoil all the locks, and wrench off the hinges to make good for trade. I never saw your equal in my life; for whether sitting still or moving, you appear to me to be committing perpetual depredation.”

Oh, how I wished myself at home! My very chair was planted with thorns; but I remembered my vow; “bear and forbear, rebellious heart!” said I, and this silent soliloquy tranquillized my rising choler; but the reflection I was to endure it for a fortnight, almost conquered my determination.

CHAP. II.

At length, after a pause of some moments, “Nephew,” said my uncle, “if you’ll lend me your arm, I’ll treat you with a walk round my grounds; you was always a promising lad, and I hope I shan’t be deceived in you. I wish to make your time pass pleasantly; I shall do all in my power to make you comfortable; I’m an odd man, but I must have my way; I shall pay well for’t in time; you understand me, boy; all’s in _your_ power, if you mind your hits. I haven’t made my will yet;” and he winked me a sagacious leer, intimating a sort of _cobweb_ promise.

We now proceeded to the garden, where, miserable to relate, the high narrow heels of my Cordovan Hessians so perforated the damp gravel, that wherever I trod, an ungracious cavity marked the spot, which the vigilant eye of my uncle soon discovered, and he halloed with the vehemence of a Stentor, for Geoffry to bring the flat clogs, declaring that a mad ox could not have done him more mischief.

In vain I apologized; he looked as sulky as a bear, and requested I’d pluck him half a dozen peaches; the fruit looked tempting, and I obeyed his command; but lo, when he came to _pinch_ them, not one was ripe enough to please his palate.

“Psha! what an oaf thou art, child! These peaches are as hard as iron; they are not worth a ----” the sentence I must not repeat, though I both heard and felt it.

“I _thought_ they were ripe, Sir,” and I cast a penitent look.

“Never _think_ for any body but yourself, Sir,” and on we walked arm in arm, till we came within sight of a remarkable fine cherry tree, at the foot of which stood a short ladder, which my uncle requested me to ascend, and gather a leaf-full of cherries.

Alert as a squirrel, up I mounted, and espying one bunch loaded with delicious clusters, I fixed my foot on a protruding bough, and had just got the tempting prize in my hand, when from some perverse fate that seemed doomed to attend me, the treacherous basis snapped under my foot, and precipitated me to the ground, bringing with me an immense branch, to which I mechanically clung for preservation.

Stunned with the fall, and smothered with the mashed cherries, though I had incurred no other injury, had you seen my uncle’s countenance, you would never have forgotten it; he stood petrified at the sight of his mutilated tree, but my broken neck or limbs seemed no object of consideration.

“I am not hurt,” said I, picking myself nimbly up.

“But my tree is materially injured; you have done me a guinea’s worth of damage in a moment.”

“But I might have broken a limb, which would have been much worse.”

“You have _limbed_ my finest tree, however, Sir; run into the house, and call Geoffry.”

Off I bounded, but as I had committed so much depredation on the gravel, I ran across the lawn, where I had scarce set foot, when my uncle’s terrific vociferation to “come off, come off,” arrested my pace.

“What the devil are you galloping like a race-horse over the lawn for? Go round by the shrubbery, and up the espalier walk, you Sir, d’ye hear?”

I obeyed his mandate, and springing from the lawn, I took the premised direction; but I had not proceeded ten yards before the crown of my hat caught the branch of a low standard apricot, and knock off a cluster of seven, which rolled in golden balls at my feet.

“The devil has certainly bewitched me,” said I, stooping to pick up the fruit, when a plaguy officious pug dog, who was at that moment making towards me, ran between my feet; and losing my equilibrium, I pitched heels over head, and dashed off a fine young nonpareil espalier at one crash.

Dismayed with vexation, I had only to pick up the apricots, which I thought most prudent to put out of sight, by swallowing them as fast as possible; but with the espalier I could do nothing without the advice and assistance of Geoffry, though, thank heaven, my uncle was out of sight of my dilemma, and being pretty expeditious in my motions, I soon reached the hall door, where my unlucky stars again clashed in conjunction, for turning round rather too sharp, my elbow struck one of the crown glass panes, and shivered it completely.

Poor Geoffry stood a statue of astonishment and despair. “Master will never forgive you, Sir for sartin sure; they panes bees a guineas a-piece; dear heart! dear heart! what a mishap!”

I then briefly related the accident of the cherry and espalier trees, the latter of which he assured me he would endeavour to repair, provided it did not meet the old gentleman’s eye, “for which reason I shall persuade him to return to the house as fast as possible, for fear of rain,” said Geoffry.

“Is you master always so ill tempered and snappish?” asked I.

“I have never seen him otherwise these thirty years,” replied Geoffry, as we quickened our pace down the portentous espalier walk, where lay the levelled nonpariel, which he gave me hopes of being able to replace without discovery. “But the pane of glass,” continued he, “how shall we get over that? We must not lay it on the dog; Master knows better, and never forgives a lie.” We therefore agreed he should fetch the glazier, and I pay the expence, as the best mode of preventing anger.

By this time we were in sight of my uncle, who was busily picking off the cherries from the broken branch, and soliloquizing with numerous oaths on my aukwardness in a muttering tone, as we approached.

“Here’s a pretty job!” exclaimed he; “here’s a pretty concern!”

“It might have been worse, Sir,” said Geoffry scratching his head. “The gentleman might have broke his neck! Lack a daisey, Sir, never care about it; it has saved me the trouble of lopping next autumn; for it must have come off; it’s all seer wood, so of a bad job, I think it turns out a good one.”

“What signifies what you think?” replied my uncle. “I think you talk like an old fool; clear it away out of my sight; it will be a memorial to me of my nephew’s aukwardness as long as I live.”

“This has indeed been one of the perplexing hours of my existence,” replied I, “but I hope I shall be able, my dear Sir, to make you amends.”

“Psha! that’s mighty unlikely,” retorted he; “and as for _hoping_ about it, hope won’t mend my tree; hopes are cobwebs dangling in the air, possessing just as much substance as their texture.”

Poor old Geoffry, who plainly discerned the black cloud that deepened his master’s brow, and dreaded the second part of the storm, gave me a jog of the elbow, and a significant wink, and with a face of much earnest enquiry, thus addressed him:

“Pray, Sir, did you leave the hall door open?”

“Perhaps I might; I believe I did; why, what of that?”

“Why then, Sir,” continued Geoffry, winking with both his eyes, “it has slapped too with the _wind_ or _somehow_, and dashed a pane of glass all to shivers.”

“Impossible!” cried my uncle; “totally impossible, if the wind blew a hurricane from every point of the compass, it could not break that glass.”

“But it could slam the door, I suppose,” rejoined Geoffry, who had now triumphantly carried his point, “for I’ll swear, please your honour, I found it in that state; it made noise enough, and neither I or the maids were near it, and you and Mr. Victor were in the garden. So, in short, Sir, it must be your own fault, I’m sure. The gentleman saw all the broken glass, and was as flustered like as I was; wasn’t you, Sir?”

This appeal demanded as ingenious a reply as Geoffry had hatched to save anger, and I therefore vehemently asserted that I _saw_ the disaster, and it really did appear incredulous that the _wind_ should have such power, but such causes and effects would occasionally take place in despite of all caution.

“It’s a mighty strange occurrence,” continued my uncle, musing on his cane; “there don’t seem to be any wind stirring.”

“Oh, yes, there is; and it’s going to blow up rain in a few minutes; lauk, Sir, you haven’t got your hat on; you had better return to the house the way you came, and shew Mr. Victor the rest of the grounds to-morrow morning.”

“Well, I believe that will be the best way, Geoffry, for I’m horridly bored with perplexities this morning; come, Victor, give me your arm; there, gently! Don’t walk so fast; you’ll pull me down.”

We now crept on a funeral pace, he grumbling at his own supposed carelessness, and execrating the wind, I secretly laughing in my sleeve, and admiring the ingenuity of old Geoffry, who out of three troubles had relieved me of two most consequential ones.

The mutilated pane proved the next source of perplexity, and Geoffry was dispatched down the village to fetch the glazier, who soon repaired the damage, and all was right.

Dinner shortly after made its appearance, and with it commenced my further vexations. A carp bone first stuck in my throat to torment me, and in a paroxysm of strangulation attempting to swallow some beer, I threw it all over the tablecloth.

My uncle execrated my aukwardness, and observed my bread lay on the wrong side of my plate, which those who studied men and manners ought to know; but some _never_ arrived at the age of discretion.

With such like taunts, the fish and fowl was removed for a supply of tarts and jellies, both which I should have managed extremely well, if a new plague, in the shape of a codling dumpling, (my uncle’s most favourite dish) had not made its appearance, to dress which my uncle requested me to hand him a little melted butter, which with my usual alacrity I whipped into the cavity of the dumpling, to the great dismay of my uncle, who precipitately exclaimed, “It’s anchovy sauce, by G--d. Take it out of my sight; clear the table, and let me starve;” then rising abruptly, “if you can’t say grace, nephew, let Geoffry repeat it over the dumpling.”

“The tureens being covered, Sir, I really did not perceive the difference of the sauces. I sincerely beg pardon; but in my zeal to serve you I confess I have committed a most provoking mistake,” said I.

“Aye, it’s that plaguy zeal, as you call it, that does so much mischief. I little thought, when I stood sponsor for you, what a clumsy fellow you’d make. I’m sure you’re old enough to know better; I believe by my chronological book you’re three and twenty.”

I bowed; “It’s a true bill, Sir, indeed.”

“I’m sorry for it,” rejoined my uncle; “for it bears a very bad stamp for _value received_.”

“Dear Sir, I’m the most volatile fellow upon earth; my heart’s the very mansion of peace and content, and I would not willingly injure a worm; Providence has blest me with an eminent share of health, and I dare say I shall never look grave till I’m in love.”

My uncle groaned! I had forgot myself, and by endeavouring to exculpate my error, I had launched into a much greater, which nothing but his groan would have brought to my recollection; and a profound silence in consequence ensued, during which pause I had stedfastly fixed my eyes on my uncle’s countenance, which displayed a complete portrait of misanthropy: his long white eye-brows shaded his downcast eye half an inch lower than usual; and his protending under lip seemed quivering with some inarticulate sentence, while I sat petrified at the visible agitation I had unintentionally caused; at length starting from his reverie:--

“Love,” cried he, “Victor, my boy, is either the supreme source of earthly bliss, or the severest calamity of heaven; to me, alas! perhaps, you know, it has proved an unrooted thorn, rankling my peace of mind, and almost subduing the principles of philanthropy I once possessed; ’tis that has rendered me petulant, ’tis that has tinctured the cup of life with bitterest gall. Perhaps, you never heard the particulars, but some evening I’ll endeavour to relate them as a lesson to you; till when, don’t again start the subject.”

While I was thanking him for his intended confidence, to which I promised to pay strict attention, a loud ringing at the gate announced the arrival of some visitor, which broke the thread of an interesting subject, by Geoffry’s announcing Dr. Tonic.

CHAP. III.

Imagine a man of the middling stature, a complexion truly Egyptian, embellished by _two_ black eyes, not a pair, for one was constantly screwed up like an old woman’s money box, in consequence of a defect in the sight; a pair of enormous black bushy eye-brows, and a mouth wide enough to have swallowed his own pestle and mortar; though, in fact, beside _eating_, its chief employment was to retail all the news of the village, which the Doctor collected and disbursed wholesale; a black coat striped waistcoat, brown inexpressibles and boots, subjoined to a snug brown bob wig, and a _cocked_ hat, which tending to add _fierceness_ to _ugliness_, completed his figure.

A violent hem! hem! (loud enough to have raised instant annihilation to a nervous patient) and a profound bow added to half a dozen _swaggering professional steps_, brought him to my uncle’s side.

“How d’ye do, Sir? How d’ye do to-day?”

And down he sat _sniffing_ his nose, _snapping_ his eyes, and _distorting_ his features with a variety of _nervous catches_ and gestures, during which operation he had fixed his eye intently on me, which my uncle observing, said:

“That’s my nephew Victor, just arrived from London, to spend some time with me.”

The Doctor bowed. “How d’ye do, Mr. Victor? I thought I discerned a family likeness, I declare; I shall be glad to see you with your respected uncle, to take a bit of mutton at my house. Mrs. Tonic and my family will be happy in the acquisition of your company, and if you are fond of music, my daughter Elizetta can give you a treat.”

“Pish!” cried my uncle, and fidgetted upon his chair, while I assured the Doctor I would do myself the pleasure of waiting on him.

“You won’t repent, I dare say,” replied the Doctor, “my daughters are devilish nice clever girls; hem! hem! e’ent they, Sir?” addressing my uncle, who, instead of replying, set up a ptisicky cough.

The Doctor’s glove was off in a moment, and his Mulatta fingers (decked with five mourning rings, which he constantly wore as badges of respect, sacred to the merits of his profession) were applied to the vibration of my uncle’s pulse.

“Why, you’ll live to be ninety, squire; your pulse possesses the vigour of youth; but pray take your cough linctus; I’ll send you another pot.”

“I won’t touch it, by G--d; I can’t bear the sight of it. Don’t I always tell you, Doctor Tonic, you and I should be much better friends, if you would not bore me to death with your medicine. Physic the whole parish, and welcome; but you nor any man alive shall physic me. Nature gave me the cough, and nature’s like to take it away.”

“Well, well; hem! hem! every man in his humour,” answered the Doctor; “I only spoke for your relief,” and his cheek assumed a brickdust tinge.

“Why don’t you prescribe your self a glass of Madeira?” said my uncle; “fill the Doctor a bumper, nephew.”

I obeyed; the Doctor cocked his _game_ eye at it; clicked his tongue, nodded his approbation, sipped again, and then finished it in a slow gulph.

“Capital! capital! the best wine I’ve tasted a long time. Hem! hem! had some tolerably fair though at the young fox-hunter’s t’other day; egad! Sir, we finished fifteen bottles among seven of us. Hem! hem! pretty fair dose; had a d--d head-ache next morning; took a little hiera picra; got myself all alive again; tough, Sir, tough;” and the Doctor began to unbutton his coat, and swell a little. “Wasn’t a partaker of the sports of the field, because I was engaged attending Lady Faddle’s whitlow; but I do assure you I made up for it over the haunch; fat three inches deep, upon my soul, and every mouthful flavoured by a glass of claret; and if, by the bye, we should ever be fortunate enough to have a _heir_ in the family, the squire swears he’ll dress a turtle on the occasion, and have the boy _christened_ in the _shell_ afterwards. Hah! hah! hah.”

“Come, come, to order, Doctor,” said my uncle; “don’t laugh so loud; I ee’nt in the humour to laugh; help yourself to another glass.”

The Doctor didn’t want twice asking, but tossed down another bumper; then turning to my uncle, and applying his mouth close to his ear, he in an audible whisper exclaimed, “Have you heard Miss P----’s adventure with the young officer?”

“Not I;” answered my uncle peevishly; “I never attend to any body’s adventures but my own, and that’s quite enough for any man, I’m sure.”

“Nay, but my good Sir,” resumed the Doctor, “a man cannot stop his ears.”

“But perhaps you could for him,” interrupted my uncle; “for I’m sure if you roar as loud to every body as you do to me, you’re enough to stun a whole parish.”

“Well, well; hem! hem! I’ll modulate my tone,” continued the Doctor, “for I must tell you the news; of course, you know there was a ball last night at the Dolphin?” My uncle nodded.

“Well, Sir, Miss P---- was there in her usual style of flirtation, and egad! picked up a young officer of dragoons, who happened to be a sojourner at the Dolphin, and danced with him the whole evening; lost her shoe, fainted away in his arms twice (for the pleasure of being restored by his caresses, as every body allowed,) and in short, rendered herself extremely ridiculous. Well, Sir, but how did it finish?”

“Why how the d----l should I know?” exclaimed my uncle.

“Then, Sir, I’ll just explain. When the ball broke up, it happened to be four o’clock in the morning, and of course, the captain could do no less than see his fair partner safe home; he had tied his fine cambric handkerchief over her head to prevent cold, and just as they reached her father’s door, before they rapped; observe you, before they attempted to lift the rapper; Sir, my gardener unexpectedly crossing an opposite style, espied the Captain in the very act of ----” Here the Doctor was seized with a sudden tickling in the œsophagus; from what cause I could not define.

“Why, the story seems to choak you, Doctor,” said my uncle sarcastically; “you had better not explain any farther clap a plaister over the sore part.”

“There happens to be no sore part in the case,” replied the Doctor; “but as I was observing, the Captain was in the act of----.” Again the tickling strangled the remainder of the sentence, which so provoked my uncle, whose patience and credibility were alike exhausted, that he petulantly exclaimed:

“D---- the act, as you call it, and the cough too; why don’t you take some of your specific linctus you recommended me just now?”

Poor Doctor Tonic, after hem! hem! hemming a score times, (every volley of which acted as an electric shock on my uncle’s nerves,) thus continued, much to the gratification of my curiosity, to know what _act_ the Captain and Miss P---- were engaged in, that could excite the Doctor’s attention, and so eager repetition, as caused him to choak before he could explain it. “Sir,” resumed the Doctor, “the action I mean to explain was a _liberty_; yes, Sir, a daring open liberty by broad day-light; the very sun shone upon them at the moment.”

“What moment?” said my uncle, staring aghast.

“Why, at the very moment, he was kissing her hand, after drawing off her glove, which my gardener positively saw him put into his pocket. There now, what d’ye think of that? what do you think of that? hey! squire, hey?”

“Wheugh!” cried my uncle, setting up a whistle of derision, “if that’s the summum-bonum of the story, I am clearly of opinion it’s one of your _village fudges_; you’ll excuse me; but in the first place, I never _believe_ what I _hear_, and always _doubt_ what I _see_.”

“Hem! hem! that’s being incredulous with a vengeance,” retorted the Doctor, piqued at the disbelief of his captious auditor; “however, what I have asserted is fact; my Daniel can prove it. I had it from him.”

“Then give it him back,” said my uncle, “and, hark ye me! tell him he’s an old fool to gabble about a pack of boys and girls; if he’d been digging in your garden, he’d have been much better employed. Now, I warrant you have spread this pretty tale as thick as you would the cantharides on a blister. I’ll be bound every child in the parish knows it; and so, between physic and scandal, you continue to pick a living, by picking others. Don’t be so professional; don’t _probe_ too close; you understand me.”

The Doctor looked confused, and my uncle poured him out another glass, and in half an hour the bottle was finished.

By this time the Doctor’s best eye began to twinkle like a _star_ of a _wet night_, and after the ceremony of tea handed round by Geoffry, my uncle proposed his favourite game of three-handed cribbage, and down we sat, where the poor Doctor was completely eased of carrying home the weight of a crown piece, which not a little irritated his temper, and a light supper and a bowl of punch sent him reeling home at midnight under the protection of Geoffry.

“Now, if he should meet Miss P---- and the Captain,” said my uncle, “he won’t discern any liberties, I’ll be bound for him, a foolish old dolt. The man has his virtues, I don’t dispute, and he has his vices; in short, he is a complete _country apothecary_, who knows every thing, and makes much ado about nothing; but you shall accept his invitation, and be introduced to his family; you know what he has said of his daughters;” and my uncle smiled for the first time I had seen his muscles inclined to relax.

“And what do you say of them?” said I.

“I say nothing; I leave every one to judge for themselves,” replied my uncle; “but come, the hour is late; the female servants are gone to rest, and as soon as Geoffry returns, I will shew you your bed room; for you must know I see all the candles out before I retire; but you shall have my light to undress by, and then I’ll fetch it away myself.”

Geoffry now returned, and after the usual ceremony of fastening the hall door, wished his master good night, and decamped to bed.

My uncle now began his usual round of inspecting every room in the house, to see no particle of fire remained alight, and I was deputed to carry the two candles, (one lighted and the other unlighted,) and stood centinel outside every door, that, as Paddy says, he might have a _clear view_ in the dark.

We had examined six apartments in this style, when most unfortunately, in shutting the door of the drawing room, the wind extinguished the candle, and left us as motionless as two Egyptian mummies.

My uncle vociferated a volley of execrations, while I proposed calling the servant to strike a light; but my uncle peremptorily refused, and said they were all snoring long ago, and should not be disturbed.

“Keep to the right hand, and take hold of my arm,” continued my uncle; “we must find our way up as well as we can; I’ll conduct you to your chamber, and you must tumble into bed, and thank yourself only for the inconvenience you have suffered.”

“Do let me call Geoffry, Sir?”

“No, Sir, I tell you once more you shall _not_ call Geoffry; so come along.”

“But suppose you should fall, Sir,” continued I.

“Why, then you must pick me up again. Why suppose things that may never happen? None but fools ever trouble themselves to _suppose_; a wise man scorns an idea so incongruous to reason.”

By this time we had groped our way to the hall clock, the exact contrary direction to what we ought to have taken.

“Zounds!” exclaimed my uncle, “we’re all wrong; we must face about to the left. I’ve hit my elbow a confounded blow.”

“I was afraid you would, Sir,” replied I; “I’d give a guinea for a light. I hope you haven’t hurt yourself.”

“What if I have?” answered my uncle snappishly; “you’re the cause of it.”

Thus squabbling, stumbling, and poking about, at length my uncle found the door of my chamber, and with outstretched hands twirling in pugilistic attitudes, we caught hold of the bed curtain.

“We’re landed at last,” cried my uncle, “and you must now shift for yourself. My room joins this; therefore, we are now safe; scramble into bed as well as you can, and I’ll do the same.”

A reciprocal “good night,” “good night,” ended our dark perplexity, and glad was I the day had finished, and put an end to my troubles.

CHAP. IV.

The next morning I was up with the larks, and down in the garden; for, as I understood my uncle never rose early, I determined to improve the moment, and try if I could not assist Geoffry in replacing the espalier, which, with my assistance and his dexterity, we soon accomplished so as to preclude discovery; and thankful was I to Geoffry for his ingenuity on that subject, and also the broken pane, for which I rewarded him with a crown, and we were reciprocally pleased.

I then returned to the house, where I amused myself with a volume of Petrarch for above an hour, till the hobbling footstep of my uncle sounding on the stairs, made me close the book, and offer him the salutation of the morning.

“How have you slept, Sir?” said I.

“Never worse; I’ve been pinched to pieces with the cramp.”

I expressed my sorrow at the intelligence, but no soft reply seemed to palliate my aukwardness or seal my pardon; for he looked as cross as a cat in a passion, when her ears lay horizontal, and she spits at her enemy most ungracious.

Breakfast was immediately served, and my uncle mumped his French roll still sullen; I ventured to start several subjects, but none agreed with his humour; for his only reply was a laconic snap of “like enough;” “may be so;” “should not wonder;” expressions which, in my opinion, always tend to quash a subject, but never offer an encouragement.

The breakfast equipage had not been removed five minutes before Doctor Tonic presented himself at the gate.

“Here comes old Dose-um with some fresh species of scandal,” said my uncle; “I just wish he was an hundred miles off; for I’m not in the humour to listen to his gabble.”

The Doctor made his entrée as usual, hem--hemming, winking, sniffling, bowing, and how-d’ye-doing, then slapping me on the shoulder, “you’re a sad chap, Mr. Victor; you filled my glass too often; got a wretched head-ach this morning. Hem! hem! don’t know how I got home. Mrs. Tonic read me a pretty curtain lecture, I assure you. Hem! hem! I just called to say we shall be glad of your company to meet a little party to-morrow; dinner on table at three precisely; village hours to be sure; but we medical men must make our meals conform to our engagements; we’ll make you heartily welcome; my house is liberty hall. A-propos! I must introduce you to my sons, two clever dogs! fine fellows; Tonics to the back bone; chips! family chips! Sir, yes, yes, they’ve feathered their nests well, I promise you; let my son Bob alone for a _marksman_; got a nice girl for his wife and plenty of the needful; a _Broomfield_ one stick and stiver, tight little heiress; no bad catch, hey?”

“A very happy man, Sir, no doubt,” said I.

“Aye, happy as a lark! Prosperous profession; d--d clever dog! be a physician very shortly. Yes, yes, the Tonics are the family to get cash; why now there’s my second son, Dick, what has he done for himself? Married a ten-thousand pounder; there’s luck for you! But then, he’s a sharp shrewd fellow; wit and ability at his finger’s end! In short, he’s a Tonic, and I should not wonder if my girls were to be as fortunate in a pair of coronets. Who knows what may happen?”

The Doctor now drew his watch; “Heyday! I’ve exceeded my time; my horse is waiting,” continued the Doctor. “Good morning, gentlemen; you’ll pilot your nephew, squire; beef and bottle at three, remember;” and in a censequentia full trot he left the room, crossed the hall, and swung his tail out of the gate in a twinkling.

“The Doctor,” said I, “seems brim full of family consequence; he seemed determined to let me know what company I was going to be introduced to.”

“The Doctor don’t want for pride,” replied my uncle; “it’s an hereditary legacy that devolved from his family, with the addition of a disorder called the _horse mania_, with which they were all individually afflicted; for so long as the Doctor could but ride, it was all he cared about; racing, trotting matches, or hunting, he was always cock of the game; but as he advanced in years, the infection abated; and the Doctor now contents himself with a knife and fork and a bottle at any table in the parish; but come, boy, let us equip ourselves for a ramble round the village, and I’ll introduce you to some of my neighbours.”

My uncle now dashed off his red night-cap, and retired with Geoffry to his dressing-room, while I sprucified myself to encounter the killing eyes of Miss Elizetta Tonic and all the village belles, who were no doubt bent upon quizzing the young cockney; but as my heart was extremely independent and perfectly in my own keeping, I sallied forth like a second _Achilles_, invulnerable, as I thought, at all points.

No sooner was my uncle dressed, than he dispatched old Geoffry with the turbot as a present to the rector, adding his compliments, and he should call on him in the course of the morning; but before we attempt to start for our peregrination, I must give you the portrait of my uncle just emerged from the duties of his dressing closet.

He was habited in an apple green coat, an embroidered waistcoat, black satin inexpressibles, fastened at the knees by gold buckles, a pair of which, in a quadrangular form, graced his shoes; his ancestorial cane was ornamented with three gold enamelled sliders, surmounted by an amber head, the centre of which was adorned by a superb ruby, and was the terrific talisman of every crying child and dog in the village; a small low-crowned hat, (whose rim partook of no shape either round, three-cornered, or square, but something in the similitude of a warped oval pye dish,) bound with a narrow gold lace, was squeezed on over a full powdered tye wig, to which was attached a small bag, which positively rendered him a complete Bond-street caricature in the semblance of some famous tooth-drawer, while, as I contemplated his figure, I blessed my stars that I was not compelled to sport such a companion in the public walks of London; for in fact I felt such strong sensations of risibility influencing every muscle, that I dared not look him in the face for several minutes, till I had conquered the troublesome convulsion of an inward chuckle.

At length off we marched arm in arm, but as usual, I walked too fast; I sprung like a doe; I scampered like a penny postman; I walked like the motion of a sedan chair, because from the length of my step I heaved my body in such a violent manner that my uncle declared I lifted him off the ground at every jerk. I begged pardon (concluding my perplexities were again beginning, and mortified that at the age of twenty-four I should not know the proper use of my legs, without my uncle’s back-string as a check,) and of course willing to endeavour to please, I slackened my pace, and we proceeded towards a handsome red brick house, which my uncle pronounced to belong to Mr. Prolix, the village lawyer, with whom having trifling business, we called to adjust, and were introduced by young _Penna-Polygraph_, the smirk engrossing clerk, into a sort of cat-swing office, crammed with all the quill and parchment treasures of the owner, who was counting over six and eight-pence from the hands of a poor peasant for a threatening letter, _three halfpence_ of which he refused taking, declaring them bad, “according to law;” but our unexpected appearance settled the difficulty in one moment, and the poor client was ordered to withdraw, while Mr. Prolix silently pocketed the fee without demur.

My uncle, in his usual unceremonious way, abruptly introduced me, and Mr. Prolix in return bowed with stately consequence: he was a tall lusty man, of swarthy complexion, a short pug nose turned up close between his eyes, and stuck in the cavity of a pair of cheeks that gave him the appearance of a brown cherubim, such as I have seen carved in oak over the altar piece of a country church; he begged us to be seated, (probably that we might take up _less_ room,) and after a few minutes conference on matters that did not concern me, we arose to take our departure.

“You’ll take a glass of bounce this morning, good Sir?” said Mr. Prolix addressing my uncle with a low query countenance, mingled with the hopes of a negative.

“When did you ever know me do such a thing?” replied my uncle; “No, no, I’ve no opinion of your morning dram drinkers; excuse me, but it’s no compliment; it’s a mere insult to nature; keep your bounce, Master Prolix, it sha’nt bounce me. Your servant, your servant. How’s Mrs. Prolix and the young “cherubim and seraphims,” for methinks, “they continually do cry,” whenever I come into the house; aye, there’s your nursery peal commencing; good morning! good morning!”

Mr. Prolix, whose bronze cheek mantled with a tincture of indignation, made no reply, but with a sullen bow conducted us to the door, and on we marched.

“Why, you touched the lawyer pretty sharp, Sir,” said I, as we walked on.

“Yes, I _bounced_ at him, sure enough; he knew he could not affront me more, though he has repeated the question fifty times. I hope I have now shamed him out of it; a glass of liquor may do to _bamboozle_ the wits of a _clodhopper_, but he forgets who he’s dealing with when he talks to me.”

“Is he clever in the profession?” asked I.

“Oh, yes, he’s a tight hand at a _will_; for instance, he can entangle a major and minor legacy with the dexterity of a spider, and like Harlequin, transform an old woman’s _plum cake bequest_ into a chancery mess of _law pottage_, by bringing the _infant’s_ noble to nine-pence; and the _adult’s_ nine-pence to _nothing_; so much for _law_, equity out of the question; zounds, I hate lawyers as I hate the----”

My uncle had scarce finished his ejaculation, when the rector came in sight, and we improved our pace to greet him. “Here comes one of the best men living,” said my uncle, and in a moment their hands joined in reciprocal union.

“The Reverend Dr. Markwell,” said my uncle, introducing the venerable divine; “my nephew, Victor, good Doctor, whom you’ve so often heard me mention as an unruly dog of a school boy, but I believe he can hold a Latin confab with your reverence in tolerable style.”

Doctor Markwell, the express image of benignity in form and feature, pressed my hand in the most friendly manner, and assured me he augured much pleasure in the prospect of my society, and concluded by observing his library was at my service during my residence in the country, which he hoped I should avail myself of whenever agreeable; “and to-morrow,” added the worthy man, “I shall have an acquisition to my family by the arrival of a young lady, who is placed by her guardian under my care, during his absence on a foreign tour. Mrs. Markwell is delighted with the idea, and we shall be happy to add your company to our society.”

I thanked him for his proffered civility, assured him I would avail myself of the privilege he so kindly gave me, and hoped I should not be an intruder.

“The boy’s full of compliments,” said my uncle, “but do me the favour when you go home, to drink his health over a turbot you’ll find awaiting your appetite, and if it proves good, give him credit as the donor. Good bye? we have a few calls to make, and your time may be precious; We’ll look in upon you to-morrow.”

Doctor Markwell now pursued his walk, and we ours, till we came within view of Lady Lustre’s villa.

CHAP. V.

My uncle paused at the gate to gain a little breath, as the road lay on the acclivity. “And here,” said he, “I shall introduce you to a most amiable woman, the pride of the village, the patroness of suffering virtue; the real and sincere friend, who deserts not in the hour of indigence, nor fallaciously courts you in the day of affluence. Universally beloved by every class of society, Lady Lustre rises the pattern of excellence to her sex in general.”

My uncle rang at the gate, but was informed by the butler her ladyship was just gone out in the carriage to take an airing; we therefore merely left our card, and proceeded onwards, till in crossing through a small meadow, a dashing young man moved his hat to my uncle, who returned the salute; but neither spoke.

“Who is that gentleman, Sir?” asked I.

“A young tradesman in the town, the unexpected inheritor of a handsome fortune, left him by a rich old woman in the moment of caprice, who, if she had studied her duty to her _real heir_ a little _more_, and her brandy bottle a little _less_, would not have left a stain on her memory, from the _false promises_ she evinced, and the disappointments she entailed by her perfidious fallacy; for she was nothing less than a composition of deceit and avarice; the tear of the poor never bedewed her grave, and if ever one dropped from the eye of this said young Windfall, whom we have just passed, it must have been the tear of _joy_ at his _unexpected acquisition_; in consequence of which, he soon after brushed up his old ramshackle house, and held up his head with as much ostentation as any petty King; came up to London, and married a Miss Sterling.”

“He’s a very fortunate young man,” said I.

“He is, thanks to God and good luck,” replied my uncle; “but I knew him the height of my chair, when he used to be at the old woman’s house, fetching her snuff-box, carrying her work-basket, handing the toast plate, and, in short, performing all the various duties that children are required in the capacity of a little _dependent_ visitor, for which he was rewarded with a penny apple pye every market day out of the old woman’s pocket, little dreaming at that time of becoming the _Broomfield sweeper_ of her old bureau, from which sanctorum a mouldy half guinea had been occasionally drawn with much pomp once a year as a present to her _only heir_ and _namesake_, under the assurance that it was the earnest of _future_ favours, which at her demise was to constitute “_something very handsome_,” which something amounted to a few old furrows, stacks, and barns, which not being exactly convenient to take with her, and well knowing him the _hereditary heir_, she did him the honour to tie up for life in the _immense sum_ of fifty pounds per annum, subject at the decease of him and his heirs, to revert to the said Mr. Windfall, whom she nominated trustee of this splendid bequest, much to the surprize of the whole village, who had heard her subtle promises, and repeatedly congratulated the young heir apparent, who, as the last of the family, and son of her favourite (but equally misled) nephew, had an undoubted claim both on her _conscience_, honour, and gratitude, had she possessed either. Such was the woman, for I knew her well; and such the characters we are doomed to meet with in the world! Aye, Victor, my boy, those lessons of experience are very painful tasks to learn, but they bear a great moral.”

“It is indeed, Sir,” replied I, “a great pity that our follies should stamp a blot on the tablet of that memory which should most revere our virtues; but so it often happens, through some idle caprice of the moment, or _insinuating artifice of subordinate foes_.”

My uncle grated his cane along the sandy road in deep rumination for at least twenty yards; then suddenly pausing, and striking it vehemently on the ground, exclaimed, “I have this moment fixed upon my heir, but I shall leave him an _Irish_ legacy.”

“I don’t exactly comprehend your meaning, Sir,” replied I.

“Why, Sir,” resumed my uncle, “I mean to give it him in my life time, that I may have the pleasure of seeing how he prospers; if he makes ducks and drakes of it, I shall know better how to dispose of the remaining crumbs; if he proves what my hopes and wishes should have, I shall die in peace, with the glorious satisfaction of knowing I have promoted his happiness, and rewarded his virtues by the comforts of prosperity, improved by his own diligence and prudence.”

I don’t know how it was, but I heaved an involuntary sigh, an interested one it certainly was, for my uncle had drawn such a picture, that I wished it my own portrait; but alas! I well knew I had little chance of success; and yet his momentary ejaculation puzzled me. A few minutes more brought us to the post office, where my uncle procured a shillings-worth of halfpence; “because,” said he, “whenever I go through the village, I pay toll to every child I see with a clean face, by which means, (as my rambles are extremely uncertain in their period,) there’s scarce ever a smutty infantine face in the parish, as you will presently see.”