Chapter I: S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with the dogondest lookin'

critter I calculate I ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin around purty considerable. I'd seen all sorts of cooriosoties and monstrosities in cirkuses and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust time I'd ever seen a critter with his head and tail on the same end. You see I sed to a feller, now whar abouts in New York do you folks git your washin' done; when I left hum to come down here I lowed I had enuff with me to do me, but I've stayed here a little longer than I calculated to, and if I don't git some washin' done purty soon, I'll have to go and jump in the river.

Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and he told me thar wuz a place round the corner whar a feller done all the washin', so I went round, and there was a sine on the winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon, or jump up and hop, or some other kind of a durned hop; and then thar wuz a lot of figers on the winder that I couldn't make head nor tail on; it jist looked to me like a chicken with mud on its feet had walked over that winder.

Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my washin' done, and gosh all spruce gum, thar was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze, he jist looked fer all the world like a picter on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz sort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to myself--I don't spose this durned critter can talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here, I might as well find out. So I told him I'd like to git him to do some washin' fer me, and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish lingo, sounded to me like cider runnin' out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong oowong fang kai moi oo ung we, velly good washee. Wall I understood the last of it and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv him my clothes and he giv me a little yeller ticket that he painted with a brush what he had, and I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the holler in a log, that no livin' mortal man could read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell into the ink bottle and then crawled over the paper. Wall I showed it to a gentleman what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and I sed to him--mister, what in thunder is this here thing, and he sed "Wall sir that's a sort of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your clothes thar to have them washed you git one of them tickets, and then you have a chance to draw a prize of some kind." So I sed--wall now I want to know, how much is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I spose bout ten cents," and I told him if he wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav it, I didn't want to get tangled up in any lotery gamblin' bizness with that saucer faced scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took the ticket, and in a couple of days I went round to git my washin', and that pig tailed heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd lost that lotery ticket. So I sed--now look here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round and git me my collars and ciffs and other clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if I don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by chowder. Wall that critter he commenced hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz saw could turn, and all I could make out wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung yong wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as plain as could be that he wuz a tryin' to swindle me outen my clothes, so I made a grab fer him, and in less 'n a minnit we wuz a rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top, and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and you couldn't hav told which one of us the pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove and kicked out the winder, and I sot Mr. Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got out of thar I had somebody's washin' in one hand and about five yards of that pig tail in tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin' thar yellin'--ung wa moo ye song ki le yung noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee. I had quite a time with that heathen critter.

Uncle Josh in a Museum

WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a theater or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar it sed it only cost ten cents to go in, and I alowed I might as well go in and see it. Wall I don't spose I'd bin in thar over five minutes afore I made myself the laffin' stock of every one in thar. I noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his boots blacked, and thar was a durned little pick pockit a pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't want to see him git robbed, so I went right up to him and I sed--look out mister, you air gittin' your pockits picked, wall sir, that durned cuss never sed a word and every body commenced to laff, and I looked round to see what they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax figger. I never felt so durned foolish since the day I popped the question to Samantha. Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and thar wuz a feller what they called the human pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of needles and pins and looked like a hedge hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and sed, "everybody over to this end of the hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a feller what had more picters painted on him than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist got to lookin' at him when that feller what had charge sed, "right this way everybody," and we all went into whar they wuz havin' the theater doins', and I got sot down and a feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I kin remember it wuz this way--

Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year,
And I cum within one of not bein' here,
The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember,
It happened some time 'bout last December.
Li too ra loo ri too ra loo
ri too ra loo la ri do.

The load was composed of both girls and boys,
All tryin' to outdo the other in noise.
And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather
Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together.
Li too ra loo ri too ra loo
ri too ra loo ri li do.

Wall, they had a parrit in that place and the way he sputtered and jabbered and talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself. Wall, I bought one of them birds from a feller one time--he said it wuz a good talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it about three months, and it never sed a durned word. I put in most of my spare time tryin' to git it to say "Uncle Josh," but the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got mad at him one day and throwed him out in the barn yard amongst the chickens, and left him thar. Wall, when I went out the next mornin', I tell you thar wuz a sight. Half of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of 'em wuz skeered to death, and that durned parrit had a rooster by the neck up agin the barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin', and every time he'd hit him he'd say, "Now you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say Uncle Josh."

Uncle Josh in Wall Street