Chapter VII

Now while I am on this Athaletic stuff I better kinder call you over to one side and tip you off to a little bit of the life that is really very interesting, in fact kinder exciting, and to an outsider makes life worth while in Moscow. The river runs right through the town and, contrary to the general notion and looks of some of them, why, they do bathe--that is, some of them do; and when I say they bathe, I mean they bathe together. They don’t let race, creed or sex interfere with them. And what I mean--they bathe right. They just wade in what you would call the Nude, or altogether. No one-piece bathing suits to hamper their movements.

If there is a bathing suit in Russia, somebody is using it for an overcoat. Why, there is only two pair of trunks in Russia, and they were being mended the weeks I was there. Well, when I saw that I just sit right down and cabled my old friend Mr. Ziegfeld: “Don’t bring Follies to Russia. You would starve to death here.” But you know the way they do it there--don’t seem to be so much what we used to years ago call--what was that word? Oh, yes, “Immoral.” Well, they just walk down there on the bank of the river and everybody skins off their clothes. They don’t have much. Underwear is about as scattering there as bathing suits.

Now if it hadent been for this bathing existing I would have got out and seen a lot more places in Russia than I did. But I want to state positively that while I did not get to see all of Russia, I got to see all of some Russians.

We must hide ourselves away and see what else we can learn from the Muscovite Empire that America may profit by besides Negligee Bathing. Oh, yes, Aeroplanes! It just seems like I can’t write without drawing attention to the amount of flying that is being done in Europe. Now take Russia. Here is Russia, so poor that they don’t even know where their next Revolution is coming from, and get this--what just one Society did to help their country out in the way of Aviation; a thing that they know is absolutely necessary. They enlisted two million members and got in contributions seven Million Rubles--that, in sensible money, is $3,000,000--organized 20 air clubs, set up over a thousand aeronautical Libraries and distributed millions of pamphlets of propaganda all on flying, opened up landing fields, bought 130 fighting planes and presented the government with seven equipped Air squadrons. Now this was all in addition to establishing Civil and Commercial routes.

This was not the Government. It was just one Society; and there is two others almost as big that have accomplished as much. And here is New York City, the second biggest city in the world, that hasent even got a place to land. You have to go halfway to Montauk Point and then drive back two hours in an Auto to get to New York after you get out of a Plane. And here is the humor of it--you can make a landing field on half the ground it takes to make a Golf course on.

So just look what those poor Russians are doing, and they are so poor they havent got a Golf Course to their back. That, by the way, is one thing that makes me sometimes think they will eventually pull through. Mind you, all these Commercial Air lines in Russia and all over Europe are subsidized by their Governments. Of course, at home the minute we holler for a subsidy for ships to keep our Flag on the ocean, why, up jumps some cocklebur Congressman and objects: “Where do you come in to give some Airplane Co. help, or some Steamship line? You don’t do a thing for the Cafeteria Owners, and they are just as good Americans as anybody ever broke a tray of dishes for. What about the Farmer? Why don’t you give him a subsidy? No, sir-ree, I am agin helping anybody till you help my constituents.”

The subsidy to give most of our people is to take their spedomoter away from them and give them an Alarm Clock. If America don’t look out they will be caught in the next war with nothing but a Niblick and a Putter. Putting is all right, but it keeps you too close to the ground to be of much use in the real war of the future.

And if you think there ain’t going to be no Next War you better see some of these Nations drilling and preparing, and they are not the people that will go to work and learn a trade that they are not going to work at. The next war you don’t want to Look Out; you want to Look Up. When you look up and see a cloud during the next war to end wars, don’t you be starting to admire its silvery lining till you find out how many Junkers and Fokkers are hiding behind it.

’Course, these are only tips, and you needent play them unless you want too; but as that is what I am doing over here, why, I am giving you this for all it is worth. I am like the old Rooster when he brought out the Ostrich egg and showed it to all the hens and said, “I am not criticizing, but I just want you to know what others are doing.” Now that’s an old Gag, but it has to be an old Gag to get over with you fellows. In talking and writing to Politicians you have to be like a Country preacher. You have to illustrate everything you want to drive home with a simple story that all of them can understand. So I just want you-all to know what even Russia is doing. Everybody is using their air for something besides speeches but us.

Now while we are on wars, you might like to know about Russia’s Army. They are without a doubt the seediest-looking layout I ever saw in my life. They look about like a Chamber of Commerce in Evening clothes lined up to meet Queen Marie. Their uniforms are made out of a very heavy grade of calico. They have what used to be a red stripe down the leg. Then their pants are stuck in those big old heavy, clumsy boots. So the pants, I imagine, are really just union suits if the Guy had his boots off. They are not drafted. They have some kind of an arrangement by which they make them think it is an honor to belong to the Red Army. It is composed of men and boys at first that cannot read or write. They get, so they told me, the most low and ignorant they have; then they teach them after they get them in. But he is taught along their lines--they don’t want enybody that has his own ideas. So they do away with illiteracy. The Soviet Literature says they teach them culture.

Well, I wouldent go as far as to claim that if I was them. But “culture” is their main word over there. Everything is supposed to improve their culture. Well, if it is improving their culture, why, culture must have started at a mighty low ebb originally.

The Red Army is instructed politically, as they figure, I guess, that in a war, if the worst comes to the worst, why, the Red Army can shoot a few Proletariat truths at the enemy, lay down a barrage of “Everybody should divide up equal even if he ain’t got anything.” The present standing of the Army is admitted to be 600,000. But there is millions of the workers that are receiving Military training in addition to the army.

’Course, you take those ignorant old Boys and give them some real training and they are going to be kinder hard to clean. War is a relief to them anyway.