Chapter XIV: Hostile Correspondence

We regard it as a very fortunate circumstance that the manuscript record of what followed, or did not follow, the events just related, has been faithfully preserved. A simple transcription of the papers will do away with the necessity of relating the particulars in detail; and so we hasten to present the reader with the correspondence, prefacing it with the observation that the affair kept the town or city of Williamsburg in a state of great suspense for two whole days.

I.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"You insulted a lady in my presence yesterday evening, and I
demand from you a retraction of all that you uttered. I am
not skilled in writing, but you will understand me. The
friend who bears this will bring your answer.

I am your obed't serv't,

"J. DENIS."

II.

"Mr. DENIS:

"For you know you begin 'Mr. Hoffland!' as if you said,
'Stand and deliver!'--I have read your note, and I am sure I
shan't be able to write half as well. I am so young that,
unfortunately, I have never had an _affair_, which is a
great pity, for I would then know how to write beautiful
long sentences that no one could possibly fail to
understand.

"You demand a retraction, your note says. I don't like
'demand'--it's such an ugly word, you know; and if you
change the letters slightly, it makes a very bad, shocking
word, such as is used by profane young men. Then
'retraction' is so hard. For you know I said I was handsome:
must I take back that? Then I said that I could not marry
the lady we quarrelled about: must I say I can? I can't tell
a story, and I assure you on my honor--yes, Mr. Denis! on my
sacred word of honor as a gentleman!--that I cannot marry
Lucy!

"You see I can't take it back, and if you were to eat me up
I couldn't say I didn't say it.

"To think how angry you were!

"In haste,

"Charles HOFFLAND."

III.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"Your note is not satisfactory at all. I did not quarrel
with your opinion of yourself, and you know it. I was not
foolish enough to be angry at your declaring that you were
engaged to some lady already. You spoke of a lady who is my
friend, and what you said was insulting.

"I say again that I am not satisfied.

"Your obed't serv't,

"J. DENIS."

IV.

"Mr. DENIS:

"Stop!--I didn't say I was engaged to any lady: no
misunderstanding.

"Yours always,

"Charles HOFFLAND."

V.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"I do not understand your note. You evade my request for an
explanation. I think, therefore, that the shortest way will
be to end the matter at once.

"The friend who brings you this will make all the
arrangements.

"I have the honor to be,

"J. DENIS."

VI.

"Oh, Mr. Denis, to shoot me in cold blood! Well, never mind!
Of course it's a challenge. But who in the world will be
_my_ 'friend'? Please advise me. You know Ernest ought not
to--decidedly. He likes you, and you seemed to like Miss
Lucy, who must be a very sweet girl as she is Ernest's
sister. Therefore, as I have no other friend but Ernest, I
should think we might arrange the whole affair without
troubling him. I have been talking with some people, and
they say I have 'the choice of weapons'--because you
challenged me, you know. I would rather fight with a sword,
I think, than be shot, but I think we had better have
pistols. I therefore suggest pistols, and I have been
reading all about fighting, and can lay down the rules.

"1. The pistols shall be held by the principals with the
muzzles down, not more than six inches from the right
toe--pointing that way, I mean.

"2. The word shall be 'Fire! One, Two, Three!' and if either
fire before 'one' or after 'three,' he shall be immediately
killed. For you know it would be murder, and ours is a
gentlemanly affair of honor.

"3. The survivor, if he is a bachelor, shall marry the wife
of the one who falls. You are a bachelor, I believe, and so
am I: thus this will not be very hard, and for my part I'm
very glad; I shouldn't like to marry a disconsolate widow. I
think we could fight on the college green, and Dr. Small
might have a chair placed for him under the big tree to look
on from--near his door, you know.

"I have the honor to be,

"Yours truly,

"Charles HOFFLAND.

VII.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"Your note is very strange. You ask me to advise you whom to
take as your second; and then you lay down rules which I
never heard of before. I suppose a gentleman can right his
grievances without having to fight first and marry
afterwards. What you write is so much like joking, that I
don't know what to make of it. You seem to be very young and
inexperienced, sir, and you say you have no friend but
Mowbray.

"I'm obliged to you for your delicacy about Mowbray, but I
cannot take it upon myself to advise any one else.--I hardly
know how to write to you, for the whole thing seems a joke
to you. If you were jesting in what you said, say so, sir,
and we can shake hands. I don't want to take your blood for
a joke, and especially as you are a stranger here.

"Your obed't serv't,

"J. DENIS."

VIII.

"Joking, my dear fellow? Of course I was joking! Did you
think I really was in earnest when I said that I was so
handsome, and was engaged already, et cetera, and so forth,
as one of my friends used to say? I was jesting! For on my
sacred word of honor, I am not engaged to any one--and yet I
could not marry Lucy. I am wedded already--to my own ideas!
I am not my own master--and yet I have no mistress!

"But I ought not to be tiring you in this way. Why didn't
you ask me if I was joking at first? Of course I was! I was
laughing all the time and teasing you. It's enough to make
me die a-laughing to think we were going to murder each
other for joking. I was plaguing you! for I saw at once from
what you said that you were hopelessly in----well, well! I
won't tell your secrets.

"Yours truly,

"Charles HOFFLAND."

IX.

"Mr. HOFFLAND:

"I am very glad you were joking, and I am glad you have said
so with manly courtesy--though I am at a loss to understand
why you wished to 'tease' me. But I don't take offence, and
am sure the whole matter was a jest. I hope you will not
jest with me any more upon such a subject--I am very hasty;
and my experience has told me that most men that fall in
duels, are killed for this very jesting.

"As to what you say about my admiring Miss Mowbray, it is
true in some degree, and I am not offended. As far as my
part goes, we are as good friends as ever.

"Yours truly,

"J. DENIS."

X.

"Dear JACK:

"Your apology is perfectly satisfactory.--But I forgot! I
made the apology myself! Well, it's all the same, and I am
glad we haven't killed each other--for then, you know, we
would have been dead now.

"Come round this evening to my lodging--one corner from
Gloucester street, by the college, you know--and we'll empty
a jolly bottle, get up a game of ombre with Mowbray, and
make a night of it. Oh! I forgot!--my key has disappeared: I
don't see it any where, and so, to my great regret, your
visit must be deferred. What a pity!

"We shall meet this evening, when we shall embrace each
other--figuratively--and pledge everlasting friendship.

"Devotedly till death,

"Charles HOFFLAND."

Thus was the great affair which agitated all Williamsburg for more than forty-eight hours arranged to the perfect satisfaction of all parties: though we must except that large and influential body the quidnuncs, who, as every body knows, are never satisfied with any thing which comes to an end without a catastrophe. The correspondence, as we have seen, had been confined to the principals, and the only public announcement was to the effect that "both gentlemen were satisfied"--which we regard as a very gratifying circumstance.