Chapter XVIII: Act V: Scene I

_A Chamber._[679]

_Enter Courtesans and_ MISTRESS NEWCUT.

FIRST C. Come forth, you wary, private-whispering
strumpet! Have we found your close haunts, your private
watch-towers, and your subtle means?
MIS. N. How then?
SEC. C. You can steal secretly hither, you mystical
quean you, at twilight, twitter-lights![680]
You have a privilege from your hat,[681] forsooth,
To walk without a man, and no suspicion;
But we poor gentlewomen that go in tires
Have no such liberty, we cannot do thus:
Custom grants that to you that’s shame in us.
MIS. N. Have you done yet?
SEC. C. You broke the back of one husband already; and
now th’ other’s dead with grief at sea, with your secret
expenses, close stealths, cunning filches, and continued
banquets in corners. Then, forsooth, you must have your
milk-baths to white you, your rose-leaves to sweeten
you, your bean-flour bags[682] to sleek you, and
make you soft, smooth, and delicate, for lascivious
entertainment!
MIS. N. So, and you think all this while you dance like
a thief in a mist, you’re safe, nobody can find you!
Pray, were not you a feltmonger’s daughter at first,
that run away with a new courtier for the love of
gentlewomen’s clothes, and bought the fashion at a dear
rate, with the loss of your name and credit? Why, what
are all of you but rustical insides and city flesh, the
blood of yeomen, and the bum of gentlewomen?
SEC. C. What, shall we suffer a changeable forepart to
out-tongue us? Take that! [_Attacking her._
MIS. N. Murder, murder!

_Enter_ FITSGRAVE.

FIT. How now! Why, ladies, a retreat! come, you
have shewn your spirits sufficiently: you’re all
land-captains; and so they shall find that come in
your quarters; but have you the law free now to
fight and scratch among yourselves, and let your
gallants run away with others?[683]
FIRST C. How!
SEC. C. Good——
FIRST C. Sweet master Bouser!
MIS. N. Another? [_Aside._
FIT. Why, then, I perceive you know nothing: why, they
are in the way of marriage; a knight’s daughter here in
town makes her election among ’em this night.
FIRST C. This night?
FIT. This very night; and they all present themselves in
a masque before her: know you not this?
SEC. C. O traitor master Goldstone!
THIRD C.[684] Perjured master Tailby!
MIS. N. Without soul? [_Aside._
FIRST C. She will chase him!
FIT. You have more cause to join,
And play the grounds of friendship ’mongst yourselves,
Than rashly run division: I could tell you
A means to pleasure you——
FIRST C. Good master Bouser!
FIT. But that you’re women, and are hardly secret——
SEC. C. We vow it seriously.
FIT. You should be all there in presence,
See all, hear all, and yet not they perceive you.
THIRD C. So that——
MIS. N. Sweet master Bouser, I——
FIT. I can stand you in stead;
For I frame the device——
ALL. If ever——
FIT. Will you do’t—hark you— [_Whispers._
FIRST C. Content.
SEC. C. And I’ll make one.
THIRD C. And I another:
We’ll mar the match.
MIS. N. When that good news[685] came of my husband’s
death,
Goldstone[686] promis’d me marriage,
And sware to me——
SEC. C. I’ll bring his oaths in question.
FIRST C. So will I.[687]
FIT. Agree among yourselves, for shame!
FIRST C. Are we resolv’d?
SEC. C. In this who would not feign?
THIRD C. Friends all, for my part.
MIS. N. Here’s my[688] lip for mine.
THIRD C. Round let it go.
SEC. C. All wrath thus quench’d.
FIRST C. And I conclude it so.
[_Exeunt all except_ FITSGRAVE.
FIT. How all events strike even with my wishes!
Their own invention damns them.—

_Enter two Gentlemen, and_ PYAMONT _and_ BUNGLER.

Now, gentlemen,
Stands your assistance firm?
FIRST G. Why, ’tis our own case;
I’m sorry you should doubt.
SEC. G. We’ll furnish you.
BUN.[689] Are these our gallants?
FIT. Are our gallants these?

_Enter Painter with Shields._

PAI. Here be five shields, sir.
FIT. Finished already? that’s well: I’ll see thy master
shortly.
PAI. I’m satisfied. [_Exit._
PY. Prithee, let’s see, master Fitsgrave.
FIT. I have blazed them.
FIRST G. What’s this?
SEC. G. Fooh,[690] you should be a gallant too, for
you’re no university scholar.
FIT. Look, this is Pursenet; the device, a purse wide
open, and the mouth downward: the word,[691] _Alienis
ecce crumenis_!
FIRST G. What’s that?
FIT. _One that lives out of other men’s pockets._
PY. That’s right!
FIT. Here’s Goldstone’s, three silver dice.
FIRST G. They run high, two cinques and a quater!
FIT. They’re high-men,[692] fit for his purpose: the
word, _Fratremque patremque_.
SEC. G. Nay, he will cheat his own brother; nay, his own
father, i’faith!
FIT. So much the word imports.—Master Primero—
BUN.[693] Pox, what says he now?
FIT. The device, an unvalued[694] pearl hid in a cave;
the word, _Occultos vendit honores_.
FIRST G. What’s that?
FIT. _One that sells maidenheads by wholesale._
SEC. G. Excellently proper!
FIT. Master Frip——
SEC. G. That Pythagorical rascal![695] in a gentleman’s
suit to-day, in a knight’s to-morrow.
FIT. The device for him, a cuckoo sitting on a tree; the
word, _En avis ex avibus! one bird made of many_; for
you know as the sparrow hatches the cuckoo, so the
gentleman feathers the broker.
FIRST G. Let me admire thee, master Fitsgrave!
FIT. They will scorn gentlemen; and to assist them the
better, Pursenet’s boy, that little precious pickpocket,
has a compendious speech in Latin, and, like a Mercury,
presents their dispositions more liberally.
FIRST G. Never were poor gallants so abused.
FIT. Hang ’em!
They’re counterfeits; no honest spirit will pity ’em.
This is my crown;[696]
So good men smile, I dread no rascal’s frown.
Away, bestow yourselves secretly o’erhead;
This is the place appointed for the rehearsal,
To practise their behaviours.
FIRST G. We are vanish’d.

[_Exeunt two Gentlemen_, PYAMONT, _and_ BUNGLER,
_who presently station themselves above_.

_Enter_ GOLDSTONE, PURSENET, TAILBY, FRIPPERY, PRIMERO,
_and Boy_.

GOL. Master Bouser——
PUR. Well said, i’faith; off with your cloaks, gallants;
let’s fall roundly to our business.
TAI. Is the boy perfect?
FIT. That’s my credit, sir, I warrant you.
FRI. If our little Mercury should be out, we should
scarce be known what we are.
FIT. I have took a course for that, fear it not, sir.
Look you, first, here be your shields.
GOL. Ay, where be our shields?
PUR. Which is mine?
TAI. Which is mine, master Bouser? this?
FIT. I pray, be contained[697] a little, gentlemen;
they’ll come all time enough to you, I warrant.
PUR. This Frip is grown so violent!
FIT. Yours to begin withal, sir.
PUR. Well said, master Bouser!
FIT. First the[698] device, a fair purse wide open, the
mouth downward; the word, _Alienis ecce crumenis_!
PUR. What’s that, prithee?
FIT. _Your bounty pours itself forth to all men._
PUR. And so it does, i’faith; that’s all my fault,
bountiful.
FIT. Master Goldstone, here’s yours, sir: three silver
dice; the word, _Fratremque patremque_.
GOL. And what’s that?
FIT. _Fortune of my side._
GOL. Well said, little Bouser, i’faith!
TAI. What say you to me, sir?
FIT. For the device, a candle in a corner; the word,
_Consumptio victus_.
TAI. The meaning of that, sir?
FIT. _My light is yet in darkness till I enjoy her._
TAI. Right, sir.[699]
PRI. Now mine, sir?
FIT. The device, an unvalued[700] pearl hid in a cave.
PRI. Aha, sirs!
FIT. The word, _Occultos vendit honores_.
PRI. Very good, I warrant.
FIT. _A black man’s a pearl in a fair lady’s eye._
PRI. I said ’twas some such thing.
FRI. My turn must needs come now: am I fitted, master
Bouser?
FIT. Trust to me; your device here is a cuckoo sitting
on a tree.
FRI. The Welsh leiger;[701] good.
FIT. The word, _En avis ex avibus_!
FRI. Ay, marry, sir.
FIT. Why do you know what ’tis, sir?
FRI. No, by my troth, not yet, sir.
FIT. O!—_I keep one tune, I recant not_.
FRI. I’m like the cuckoo in that indeed: where I love I
hold.
FIT. Did I not promise you I would fit you?
GOL. They’re all very well done, i’faith, and very
scholarlike, though I say’t before thy face, little
Bouser; but I would not have thee proud on’t now: come,
if this be performed well——
PUR. Who, the boy? he has performed deeper matters than
this.
PY. Ay, a pox on him! I think was in my pocket now,
and[702] truth were known. [_Aside._
BUN. I caught him once in mine. [_Aside._
FIT. Suppose the shields are presented, then you begin,
boy.
BOY. I, representing Mercury, am a pickpocket, and have
his part at my fingers’ ends: _Page I am to that great
and secret thief, magno illo et secreto latroni_——
FIT.[703] There you make your honour, sir.
BOY. At _latroni_?
FIT.[704] You have it, sir.
PUR.[705] _Latroni_, that’s mine.
FIT. He confesses the thief’s his.
PUR. Remember, boy, you point _latroni_ to me.
BOY. To you, master.
FIT. Proceed.[706]
BOY.[707] _These four are his companions: the one a
notable cheater, that will cozen his own father_——
FIT. Master Goldstone.
GOL. Let me alone, master Bouser; I can take mine own
turn.
FIT. Why——
GOL. Peace.
BOY.[708] _The second a notorious lecher, maintained by
harlots, cujus virtus consumptio corporis._[709]
TAI. That’s I, master Bouser.
FIT. There you remember your honour, sir.
BOY. _Ille leno pretiosissimus, virgineos ob lucrum
vendens honores._
PUR.[710] It sounds very well, i’faith.
BOY. _Postremus ille, quamvis apparatu splendidus, is no
otherwise but a broker; these feathers are not his own,
sed avis ex avibus: all which to be nothing but truth
will appear by the event._
FIT. I’faith, here’s all now, gentlemen.
GOL. Short and pithy.
TAI. A good boy, i’faith, and a pregnant!
PUR. I dare put trust in the boy, sir.—Forget not,
sirrah, at any hand, to point that same _latroni_ to me.
BOY. I warrant you, master.
GOL. Come, gentlemen, the time beckons us away.
FIT. Ay, furnish, gentlemen, furnish.
PUR. Hark, one word, master Bouser: what’s the same
_latroni_? I have a good mind to that word, i’faith.
FIT. _Latroni_? why, _shrieve_[711] _of the shire_.
PUR. I’faith, and I have shriven some shires in my days.
[_Exeunt_ GOLDSTONE, PURSENET, TAILBY,
FRIPPERY, PRIMERO, _and Boy_.
FIT. Now, gentlemen, are you satisfied and pleas’d?
FIRST G. Never more amply.
FIT. Amongst us now falls that desired lot,
For we shall blast five rivals with one plot.
[_Exit: and exeunt Gentlemen, &c. above._

SCENE II.

_A Hall in_ KATHERINE’S _House_.

_Enter_ KATHERINE _between two ancient Gentlemen_.

KAT. Grave gentlemen, in whose approved bosoms
My deceas’d father did repose much faith,
You’re dearly welcome: pray, sit, command music;
See nothing want to beautify this night,
That holds my election in her peaceful arms;
Feasts, music, hymns, those sweet celestial charms.[712]
FIRST G. May you be blest in this election!
SEC. G. That content may meet perfection!

HYMN.

_Sound lute, bandora,[713] gittern,
Viol, virginals, and cittern;
Voices spring, and lift aloud
Her name that makes the music proud!
This night perfection
Makes her election.
Follow, follow, follow, follow round,
Look you to that, nay, you to that, nay, you to that:
Anon you will be found, anon you will be found, anon you
will be found._

[_Cornets sound: enter the Masque,[714] thus ordered: a
torch-bearer, a shield-boy, then a masquer, so
throughout; then the shield-boys fall at one end,
the torch-bearers at the other; the masquers i’ th’
middle: the torch-bearers are the five gentlemen_
[FITSGRAVE, PYAMONT, BUNGLER, _and two others_];
_the shield-boys the whores_ [_three Courtesans,
Novice, and_ MISTRESS NEWCUT] _in boys’ apparel; the
masquers the five gallants_ [PURSENET, GOLDSTONE,
TAILBY, PRIMERO, _and_ FRIPPERY]: _they bow to her;
she rises and shews the like: they dance, but first
deliver the shields up; she reads. The speech: their
action._
KAT. [_reads_] _Alienis ecce crumenis!_
[PURSENET _bows to her_.

[_reads_] _Fratremque patremque._
[GOLDSTONE _bows to her_.

[_reads_] _Consumptio victus._ [TAILBY _bows to her_.
[_reads_] _Occultos vendit honores._
[PRIMERO _bows to her_.
A cuckoo: [_reads_] _En avis ex avibus!_
[FRIPPERY _bows to her_.
Are you all as the speech and shields display you?
GOL. We shall prove so.
[_They going to dance, each unhasps his weapon from
his side, and gives it to the torch-bearers._
KATHERINE _seems distrustful, but then_ FITSGRAVE
_whispers to her and falls back. At the end of
which, all making an honour_, FRIPPERY _presents
her with that chain of pearl_.
KAT. The very chain of pearl was filch’d from me!
FIT. Hold! stop the boy there!
[_Boy seized_: PURSENET _stamps_.
KAT. Will none lay hands on him? [FRIPPERY _seized_.
GOL. How now?
FRI. Alas, I’m but a broker! ’twas pawned to me in my
shop.
[FITSGRAVE, PYAMONT, _and the others discover
themselves_.
TAI. Ha, Fitsgrave!
PUR. Pyamont, and the rest!
GOL. Where’s Bouser?
FIT. Here.
GOL. We are all betrayed!
FIT. Betrayed? you’re new forth to betrayed, you have
not so much worth: nay, struggle not with the net, you
are caught for this world.
FIRST C. Would we were out!
FIT. ’Twas I fram’d your device, do you see? ’twas I:
The whole assembly has took notice of it.
That you are a gallant cheater,
So much the pawning of my cloak contains;
[_To_ GOLDSTONE.

You a base thief, think of Combe Park [_to_ PURSENET];
and tell me[715]
That you’re a hirèd smockster [_to_ TAILBY]; here’s her
letter,
In which we are certified that you’re[716] a bawd.
[_To_ PRIMERO.
FIRST G. The broker has confessed it. SEC. G. So has the
boy. TAI. That boy will be hanged; he stole the chain at
first, and has thus long maintained his master’s
gallantry.
FIT. All which we here present, like captive slaves,
Waiting that doom which their presumption craves.
KAT. How easily may our suspectless sex
With fair-appearing shadows be deluded!
Dear sir, you have the work so well begun,
That took from you, small glory would be won.
FIT. Since ’tis your pleasure to refer to me
The doom of these, I have provided so,
They shall not altogether lose their cost:
See, I have brought wives for ’em.
[_The Courtesans, &c. discover themselves._
GOL. Heart, the strumpets! out, out!
TAI. Having assum’d, out of their impudence,
The shape of shield-boys!
FRI. To heap full confusion!
FIRST C. Rather confine us to strict chastity,
A mere impossible task, than to wed these,
Whom we [do] loathe worse than the foul’st disease.
GOL. O grant ’em their requests!
FIT. The doom is past: so, since your aim was
marriage,
Either embrace it in these courtesans,
Or have your base acts and felonious lives
Proclaim’d to the indignation of the law,
Which will provide a public punishment.
As for the boy, and that infectious bawd,
We put forth those to whipping.
PRI. Whipping? you find not that in the statute to whip
satin.
FIT. Away with him! [PRIMERO _and Boy led off_.
GOL. Since all our shifts are discovered, as far as I
can see, ’tis our best course to marry ’em; we’ll make
them get our livings.
PUR. He says true.
MIS. N. You see how we are threatened: by my troth,
wenches, be ruled by me; let’s marry ’em, and[717] it be
but to plague ’em; for when we have husbands we are
under covert-baron,[718] and may lie with whom we list:
I have tried that in my t’other husbands’ days.
ALL THE C. A match.
FIT. I’ll be no more deferr’d: come, when do you join?
GOL. These forc’d marriages do never come to good.
FIT. How can they, when the[y] come to such as you?
PUR. The[y] often prove the ruin of great houses.
FIT.[719] Nor, virgin, do I in this seek to entice
All glory to myself; these gentlemen,
Whom[720] I am bound to love for kind assistance,
Had great affinity in the plot with me.
KAT. To them I give my thanks; myself to thee,
Thrice-worthy Fitsgrave!
FIT. I have all my wishes.
KAT. And I presume there’s none but those can frown,
Whose envies, like the rushes, we tread down.
[_Exeunt omnes._

A MAD WORLD, MY MASTERS.

_A Mad World, my Masters. As it hath bin lately in
Action by the Children of Paules. Composed by T.
M. London, Printed by H. B. for Walter Bvrre, and
are to be sold in Paules Churchyard, at the signe
of the Crane._ 1608. 4to. A second ed. appeared
1640. 4to.

This drama has been reprinted (most carelessly) in
the several editions of Dodsley’s _Coll. of Old
Plays_, vol. v.

_A Mad World, my Masters_, was licensed by the
deputy of Sir George Bucke, 4th Oct. 1608: see
Chalmers’s _Suppl. Apol._, p. 199.

_The City Heiress, or Sir Timothy Treatall_, 1682,
by Mrs. Behn, and _The Country Lasses, or the
Custom of the Manor_, 1715, by Charles Johnson,
are partly taken from the present play.

THE PRINTER AND STATIONER
TO THE
GENTLE READER.[721]

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Courteous reader, let not the title or name of
this comedy be any forestalling or weakening of
the worthy author’s judgment, whose known
abilities will survive to all posterities,
though he be long since dead. I hope the reading
thereof shall not prove distasteful unto any in
particular, nor hurtful unto any in general; but
I rather trust that the language and the plot
which you shall find in each scene shall rather
be commended and applauded than any way derided
or scorned. In the action, which is the life of
a comedy, and the glory of the author, it hath
been sufficiently expressed to the liking of the
spectators and commendations of the actors; who
have set it forth in such lively colours, and to
the meaning of the gentleman that true penned
it, that I dare say few can excel them, though
some may equal them. In the reading of one act
you guess the consequence; for here is no
bombasted or fustian stuff, but every line
weighed as with balance, and every sentence
placed with judgment and deliberation. All that
you can find in the perusal I will give you
notice of beforehand, to prevent a censure that
may arise in thy reading of this comedy, as also
for the excuse of the author; and that is this:
here and there you shall find some lines that do
answer in metre; which I hope will not prove so
disdainful, whereby the book may be so much
slighted as not to be read, or the author’s
judgment undervalued as of no worth. Consider,
gentle reader, it is full twenty years[722]
since it was written, at which time metre was
most in use, and shewed well upon the conclusion
of every act and scene. My prevalent hope
desires thy charitable censure, and thereby
draws me to be

Thy immutable friend,
J. S.[723]

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DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.

SIR BOUNTEOUS PROGRESS, _an old rich knight_.
DICK FOLLYWIT, _his grandson_.
HAREBRAIN.
PENITENT BROTHEL.
LIEUTENANT MAWWORM, }
ANCIENT HOBOY, } _comrades to Follywit_.
INESSE, }
POSSIBILITY, } _two elder brothers_.
GUMWATER, _Sir Bounteous’s chief man_.
JASPER, _Penitent’s man_.
RALPH, _Harebrain’s man_.
SEMUS, _one of Sir Bounteous’s servants_.
_Constable._
_Watchmen._
_Two Knights._
_Companions of Follywit, Servants, &c._

MISTRESS HAREBRAIN.
FRANK GULLMAN, _a courtesan_.
_Her Mother._
_A Succubus._

Scene, partly LONDON, partly the COUNTRY.

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A MAD WORLD, MY MASTERS.

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