Chapter I: WE have here an opportunity, in a very lively instance, to see the (5)

Friday 25. This evening I have been at the interment of an acquaintance. What nothings we are, and how soon turned to our mother earth? Should not this thought cause us to live in love and peace with all men? And to live as expecting the messenger of death every moment?

Saturday, August 2. I have been for several days much disordered in body. In my illness I had hardly power to pray, or to do any thing. O may I prize health more, and make full use of it, when the Lord sends it. Glory be to God, I had no fear of death, and no anxious care for my children. I only wanted more power to praise God. And will he not give that and all things? _O cleanse me from my secret faults!_ And let no sin ever more prevail over me!

*Wednesday 6. Blessed be thy name, I do not find any thing within to close with temptations. Yesterday anger presented as quick as thought; but it found no entrance. Yet shame covered me, for fear any that were present might discern the appearance of it. And I begged the Lord to shew me, if there was any evil root left? As far as I know myself, I do not find there is: I do firmly believe, he hath purified me from all sin. But I am big with the desire of living nearer God: O how dear was he to me this night? Thou art altogether lovely: thou art fairer than the sons of men.

Thursday 14. Glory be to God, there has been a cry in my dear mother’s soul all this day. Lord, increase it! Thou hast set her sins in array before her. May she never rest till she rests in thee!

Friday 22. I went three or four miles this evening to the preaching: My mind was solemnly stayed on God; but I was not very lively: my husband being talking most of the way about worldly affairs. O Lord, direct him in all his ways, and let nothing hurt his precious soul.

Saturday 30. I have been much disordered in body all this day; but, glory be to God, have enjoyed calmness of spirit. Yet I have been grieved to see some of my family, so busy about the world, and so little concerned for their poor souls, but trifling away their precious moments. Lord, let me redeem the time! Let me never rest in any thing I have attained: but still press on, till I know all that love of God that passeth knowledge!

Thursday September 4. Blessed be God for the comfort I had in hearing dear Mr. _W._ at _Penryn_. I was tempted to impatience, both in the morning, when my husband stayed long before he set out: and at noon, when I was disappointed of being in Mr. _W._’s company. But I looked up, and felt nothing but calmness and quietness of spirit.

Tuesday 9. I waked between four and five, with praises in my mouth. Glory be to God, I find an inlarged heart, to run the ways of the Lord with great delight. His love is sweeter than honey to my taste, and my will is swallowed up in his.

Sunday 14. A cold almost disabled me from speaking, which gave me to see the great blessing of speech. Lord, help me to use it more to thy glory! This afternoon, blessed be God, we had the happiness of having dear Mr. _W._’s company. Lord imprint his exhortations deep on my heart! And may all the words he delivered be watered with the dew of thy heavenly grace!

Tuesday 16. Glory be to God, he has kept me in the hour of strong temptation. The enemy bears me a tyrannous hatred, and stirs up my bosom friends against me. Lord, thou knowest they lay to my charge things I know not. But thou art to me a place of broad rivers. And _these light afflictions will work out for_ me _an eternal weight of glory_.

Wednesday, October 1. Blessed be God, he keeps me in trials from those who are nearest and dearest to me. What a powerful energy has love? It keeps my soul in perfect peace, while all around me is storm and tempest.

Saturday 25. I have the greatest reason to bless God of any creature: for he gives me great hope, that my dear husband will not proceed on his intended voyage. He seems at length to see the strength of the objections against it. I wept over him last night, and reasoned with him in much love, till one o’clock in the morning. And, glory be to God, whatever it was to _him_, it was a blessed means of grace to _me_.

Monday, November 3. At night I was much frighted between sleeping and waking, I believe, by the enemy. I was afraid I had offended my Lord, by not going to church yesterday in the afternoon. I besought the Lord to pardon me for the omission; and he soon spoke the answer to my heart.

Wednesday 5. Glory be to God for the blessings of this day, and for giving me more patience and more watchfulness. Indeed I was tempted to anger against my husband, and afterwards to lightness. But help was at hand. O that I may be more thankful! Lord, may thy pure love always fill my soul: and do thou water me every moment!

Monday 24. I was calm and serene all this day, and had power to restrain my words. But in the evening I was much tempted, when one told me, Mr. _Mason_ designed to make me leader of a band. I found it hard to leave my sisters, and harder still to undertake so important a charge. When he gave me the paper the next day, I was closely exercised. And when I came to the band, it was a great mountain, and I was full of shame and confusion. But when I began to speak, I found a little freedom, and, blessed be God, he helped my infirmity. Afterwards I found the same power to pray, as if we had been together some time. Lord, bless us together, and let me be always little, and base, and vile in my own eyes!

Friday 28. Glory be to God, this has been a blessed day. My soul has been full of love to the people of God, my band in particular. And the Lord gives me more light into myself, more freedom from wanderings and evil reasonings, and more power to check my own spirit. But O! the mighty void I saw in myself! I never saw it so before. This constrained me to wrestle with the Lord. And he did not send me empty away.

Monday, December 1. Glory be to God, the Sun of Righteousness shone on my soul all the day long. Whenever Satan was nigh, I looked to him, and was instantly saved. He gave me a clear sight of the work of my soul, and a brighter evidence than ever, accompanied with the pure streams of his love pouring down into my heart.

Friday 5. Glory be to God, I found a tender conscience, and power to set the Lord always before me. And I can now enjoy my God in my business, as well as in my duty. My heart is constantly stayed upon him, and I long for more of that living principle within. O that thou wouldst fill me with heaven, with love, with God!

*Saturday 6. I find my soul is, as a well of water, springing up into everlasting life. But I thirst for more. Blessed be God, he does keep my soul in perfect peace, and in the midst of fire and water, give me patience, with an hope full of immortality. But I feel a great soreness of spirit, for those of my family. Lord, give them to know themselves, and direct them in all things! Take the cause into thine hands, and enable me, to stand still, and see the salvation of God.

Tuesday 12. Glory be to God, I enjoy peace and power, in the midst of multitudes and hurry of business. My eye is still single toward the mark of my high calling, and my one desire, to live more to God.

Friday 19. It was a cross to me to rise in the morning, but I was well rewarded for taking it up. I was very lively all day; but in the afternoon was suddenly tempted to lightness; so were all of us who afterwards met in band; but the temptation soon fled away. My soul is alive to God, and only longs to fathom more of the depths of humble love.

Monday 22. My soul’s desire this day has been, to sink down into the depth of humility. I see my helplessness, and feel the want of my Redeemer’s merits every moment. But how often does my own will present itself! Yet it prevails nothing. I want to be always as clay in the hands of the potter, and to be all moulded into love! As far as I know, I do love the Lord with all my heart. But I want to have all vain reasonings destroyed.

Saturday, January 3, 1767. I was greatly blessed to-night, in a weeping state, and mourned before the Lord for the sins of others. Yet at some times, quickness presented itself, but only as a flying cloud. I found a great reverence to-night, while I said, Our Father. May this awful sense of his Majesty rest upon me, wheresoever I go!

Thursday 8. I was tempted to think lightly of my husband, as if he was always asking, but not watching. I was much disordered in body, which weighed down my mind when I waited on the Lord in private. But, on reading the second chapter of _Zechariah_, my soul revived greatly: and I had a lively sense of his sparing mercy; but still more, in talking with a dear friend. I could then see, what a sinner I had been in times past, in wishing for my own will; and could bless the Lord, that not my will, but his, had taken place. O, may a due sense of the love and mercies of God be ever engraven on my heart!

Tuesday 13. Glory be to God for shewing me, I had done amiss, in reproving my husband before company, and for giving me to be humbled on the account, and to acknowledge my fault. And blessed be God for the Christian conversation we have had together this evening, wherein we have seen, what advantage Satan had gained over us in time past. We had power to speak to one another with all freedom, of the state of our souls; and I trust this will be the beginning of happy days between us.

Sunday 18. Blessed be God, I have to-day found much life and light in my soul at church. And I had a solemn time, in accompanying the relicks of sister _Harris_ to the grave. We fulfilled our promise, in singing her body to church, as we did her soul to glory. I was afterwards tempted both to lightness and to impatience; but I bless God, I remain in peace and love. My desire is, to know myself as I am known of God, and to live no longer than I live to him.

*Friday 23. Glory be to God, though the enemy rages, I enjoy a calm peace in my soul. But this evening I found little power to pray. I believe it was owing to disorder of body. Yesterday I kept my bed all day. I am still much indisposed. But I was much delighted with the amiableness of Christ. And I saw the great need we have of him, and shall have, when we stand naked before God. I saw the worth of Christ exceedingly, and loathed myself and all my own performances: yet being persuaded, that neither life, nor death, nor things present, nor things to come, should ever separate me from his love.

Tuesday, February 3. I have been confined to my bed by a fever, from Saturday till to-day. I found not much joy, but patience and peace, and sweet tranquility of mind: especially when sister _Pearce_ prayed with me. I found a longing desire to see some of my other sisters. But, when one of them came, I could not speak to her at first, I was so overcome with joy. The Lord blessed us in the afternoon also, when Mr. _Storey_ prayed with us. Glory be to his holy name, for christian conversation; and for all the other helps we enjoy, to make our calling and election sure.

Monday 23. All yesterday and to-day, I have been much disordered by the cholic. At six this evening I bowed before God in prayer, and gave myself up to him. I then resolved to try, whether I could not go to the preaching. I went, and was better after it than before. While I was in strong pain, the enemy thrust sore at me: But I did not give place to him for a moment. Blessed be God for a tender conscience! I find, if ever I speak a word unawares; if it is not right, I see it immediately, and am grieved that I was not more on my guard. Lord, help me to watch and pray every moment, that all my words may be to edification!

Monday, March 2. Blessed be God, for the love I have felt yesterday and to-day, under the preaching of Mr. _Haim_. O may it sink deep in my heart, and spring up into eternal life! I find Satan is continually tempting; but he has no success. I want to be more of a child-like spirit; to live more in Christ, and always near to God.

Thursday 5. My husband and maid both being sick, my body has been much exercised this week. But, glory be to God, I have enjoyed constant peace, and many blessed refreshings. Nor have I found one anxious thought concernings their living or dying.

Sunday 15. God was pleased this week to afflict my body with sickness. I mostly kept my bed. Sometimes I had doubts. Is it not, because I do not speak more to my poor mother? Or because I have taken too much upon me, in being leader of a band? But these doubts did not trouble me so much as the close reflections I had from my husband. Twice I wept concerning it; but then I thought, _the sorrow of the world worketh death_. I looked to the Lord, and he delivered me. And I said to him, Shall I one day see thy face, without a veil between? And shall I stand at thy right hand, in the great day of accounts? And how clear an assurance of it did he give me! I find earnest desires to drink deeper of his Spirit, that I may be always the same, all of a-piece at all times and in all places, and may have a solemn awe resting upon me, in business and company, especially among professors of religion.

Thursday 25. I was much grieved this evening at the stubbornness of my child. Lord, bless the correction, and give her thy grace, whatever thou with-holdest from her! And help me to discharge my duty toward my children, in this and in all things.

Thursday, April 2. I saw more than ever the necessity of simply following my blessed Lord: And the great need of grace rather than gifts; although gifts also are great blessings. Lord, on whomsoever they are bestowed, may they beg thy aid, to use them singly to thy glory. I find an encreasing zeal for God and his people. I long to live more to God, and to have less to do with the world; and am sometimes tempted against my husband, for incumbring himself so much with it. Yet I am thankful to God for these outward blessings: But my whole aim is, to be more devoted to God.

Wednesday 8. I want to have every thought brought into obedience to Christ: And to feel continually the awful sense of the presence of the great God! I have had a thankful and a melting heart, to think what blessed helps my children have in their tender years; and indeed, in looking back on my own life, and on the blessed showers of grace, which God has poured upon me, from time to time, in christian conversation. Lord, give me a thankful heart, and fulfil in me all the good pleasure of thy will!

Monday 20. Glory be to God, that I am out of hell, and that I still find, God is a God of love. My desire is, to begin now; to live this moment, and believe for the next. I have been for some time confined to my bed, and am still confined to my room. But all is well, while I am enabled, in every state, to be content. I have had a week of close trials and temptations; but of deep consolations likewise. But I see I am still short in bearing all things, and in discerning the enemy’s first approach. Yet glory be to thy great and holy name, for what I do enjoy. O help me to prize thy blessings more, and to believe and love to the end!

Sunday 26. In the morning, before I rose, wandering thoughts were thrown into my mind. I begged the Lord to give me power to drive them out; and he heard my prayer. He gave me likewise a thankful heart, to think how richly he had provided for me, in temporals (while so many were in pressing want) as well as in spirituals: I could not help weeping before the Lord, and asking, “Why me, or mine? Why hast thou given _me_ this composure of mind, more desirable than all this world? Lord, give me to press after more inward solitude, and keep and water me every moment!”

Sunday, May 3. Glory be to thy great and holy name, for all thy blessings and mercies: But above all, for my dear Jesus: I feel the value of his blood and merits more than ever. I find myself all weakness and helplessness: his blood is all my plea. Through this I enjoy great peace of mind; although much indisposed in body. But I have been in doubt what to do. I said, about a year before I found peace with God, that I would not eat any more flesh suppers, except I was with child. But, as my present disorder was thought to require it, I eat this evening a little of a calf’s foot. Lord, keep me from scrupulous fears after it: Let not the enemy accuse me for it. Help me in this, and all things, to extol thy love and guardian care.

Monday 25. Glory be to God for new desires to serve him: Lord, encrease them every moment; and enable me to put in practice every desire, and every resolution, which is to thy glory! Let me never be weary of well-doing; but endure to the end, that no man take my crown!

Sunday, June 14. To-day I was at the house of mourning, at sister _Pearce_’s, whose child was near death. It was an happy time. While we read the experience of some departed saints, the Lord showered down his love upon us. After the boy died, I thought, Who can tell, what a blessed convoy surrounded us, although unseen by mortal eyes? And I had strong faith, that, through the blood of the Lamb, I should one day meet the saints above. I found also great faith for the welfare of Zion, and hope that the Lord would soon build her up. In my late indisposition, I found little activity and little power to pray. And I found the enemy taking every occasion to tempt me: But there was nothing in me to side with the temptation. Glory be to God for pure love! Glory be to Jesus Christ, my Lord! O continue to reign supreme Lord over every motion of my soul!

Thursday 25. Blessed be God, I enjoy a steddy peace, and evenness of mind. But illness weighs down my body and soul, so that I am not active in the service either of God or man. I found my own spirit very near in reproving: But I looked to the Lord, and was saved. And I was kept in a great measure from reasoning. On the closest examination, I found nothing but love in my heart. But I long to have all that mind which was in Christ Jesus my Lord!

Monday, July 6. At night, after I was in bed, I found my mind wander after distant things. I found it hard to fix my mind on the Lord only; but, glory to him, the fountain is still open. I have been much better in body to-day, and have been able to pour out my soul to God, more freely than for some time past. Indeed for some time I have had little life in prayer: But, blessed be God, he even then gave me power, which I had not, when I could rejoice to go to prayer, and found it sweet to my taste. He only knows, what is best for us. And when I was tried to-day, he gave me a meek and quiet spirit. But I believe I spoke afterward more than was necessary; yet, blessed be God, without condemnation.

Saturday 11. At a funeral, I was much tempted to look at those who were still in their sins, and to prefer myself before them. But presently it came, _Who maketh thee to differ?_ For a moment I sunk almost into despair. But I thought on the love of God, and received comfort. So busy is the enemy, first to lift us up, and then to cast us down.

Tuesday, August 4. Glory be to God, in the midst of trials, I was as calm as if I was out of the body. In the evening, while I was earnest in private prayer, I felt as it were a dart shot through me. I started a little, but still kept calling upon God, till I was more than conqueror.

Saturday 8. This evening I was obliged to speak on behalf of the injured. And I thought it my duty to speak sharply, though still in love and meekness. I found love for God and his cause constrained me so to speak: For I hate every thing that would dishonour him.

Sunday, September 9. I was closely tried from a near quarter: But I was kept in peace. I wept to myself, to think of the sore bondage sin had brought upon them who are under the power of it. It gave me to see the uncertainty of all things but the love of Christ.

Sunday 29. I was disturbed soon after midnight, and again a little before day. I did not wake any more, till almost six. I was grieved to be disappointed of the preaching, and yet contented, seeing there was no will of my own in the omission of it. All this day I had a solemn time. My soul enjoyed peace and tranquillity, and I found it good, to leave the things of time behind, and to wait simply upon God.

Thursday, October 1. When the select society met, I was much tired, and very heavy. But the Lord was pleased to bless others in a glorious manner. Immediately it was suggested, “This is false fire: or why am not _I_ affected!” I begged the Lord, to answer for himself. And, before we parted, I had the petition I asked of him, and was refreshed both in soul and body.

Saturday 3. Being much disordered in body, I was obliged to lie down. I dreamed I was exhorting some people of note, in an exceeding solemn manner. And I was so happy in God, that I afterward felt the good effect of it, even upon my body. Yet, in the end, methought I was tempted to lightness. See how Satan besets us sleeping and waking!

Tuesday 6. I had strong desires to be filled with God, and I find faith that I shall; that I shall be entirely devoted to God, and that every moment. My heart is more enlarged in love to all mankind, particularly to my brethren; and I have power to cover their faults with love, and to pray for them. Blessed be God, that his work is spreading among us: More and more are brought to the knowledge of God: And many are going from house to house, to call upon God and tell of his goodness. It is no wonder therefore that Satan rages: But I trust he will be disappointed of his hope. The Lord make us faithful, and keep us every moment watching unto prayer!

Sunday 18. Glory be to God, I find the fruits of the Spirit encreasing; particularly by means of private prayer. Indeed the enemy thrusts sore at me therein, striving to make me afraid, till I sometimes cry out, “Shall I be afraid to thank and praise my God?” He then presently flies, and immediately the Lord showers down his blessings upon me.

Though I have been kept by sickness from the public means, this has been a sabbath of rest to my soul. I had a solemn, peaceable time in reading, and a glorious time in private prayer, between five and six. And in the evening, the Lord poured his grace on my heart, as the dew upon the tender herb. I never saw so much of his greatness before. Lord, fill me with this awful sense of thy majesty, and let me be kept every moment in that silent heaven of love!

Sunday, November 1. I have kept my bed for some days, being much disordered in body. But, glory be to God, he has many times refreshed my soul with his love: particularly, when I have been favoured with the company of his dear children. When they called upon him in prayer, he was pleased to hear, and answer even while they were calling. In general, I have found calm composure of spirit, a deliverance from my own will, patience and resignation to the will of God, and power in the hour of temptation. But I want more strength of faith and love; for I find the enemy is always watching. And sometimes he comes very near, striving to sow the evil seed again. But, glory be to God, he has saved me yet, though sometimes I have been scarcely saved: So that I see I must live this moment to God, and watch and look to my dear Lord every moment.

Monday 2. When I waked, my husband soon began talking to me about worldly business. It was lawful, but I quickly found it was not expedient: For I had not so much power to pray as usual. But, in the evening, blessed be God, I waited upon him in a sweet, calm peace, at the preaching. Only I found a little reasoning, “What if I should fall in labour?” But it was quickly removed: And though my body failed a little, yet I was freer from wandrings than I ever was for a long time.

Thursday 5. The Lord does still bless me and keep me; but I come short of what I desire to be. In the morning I find strong desires to be wholly devoted to God in every thing. But in the evening, I find I have still come short, though without condemnation and fear. Blessed be God, I am kept from inordinate sorrow for my dear friend’s illness. Lord, prepare me for the same hour. And, if it be thy blessed will, rebuke the disorder, and raise her up, for the good of her family, and of thy people.

Sunday 8. The Lord was pleased to call her to himself. The day before she seemed much better. But in the evening she fell worse again, and this morning, about nine, departed. When word came of this, I was not shocked at first; but in a while I began to reason on what had passed between us the evening before. She then said, “When death seemed nigh some nights since, the enemy thrust sore at me, and said, This will be thy end: But I said, Not without God’s permission: He can bring me down to the belly of hell, and bring me up again, as he did _Jonah_ out of the whale’s belly. But it is one thing to talk of death, and another to have it brought home to us.” Then her husband, and children, and friends came near, and sorrow seemed to overwhelm her. But she said, “God is able to bless and keep them, without me, if he is pleased to take me. And if he is pleased to spare me, I can do nothing for them, without the Lord.” When I reflected upon these things, not watching unto prayer, I was quickly encompassed with a flood of temptations: So that I never remember to have passed such a night, since I knew the goodness of God. I could not sleep till six in the morning. But, glory be God, I had peace at the bottom, and continued striving with all my might. About Monday noon I found ease, and at five in the evening, I could wait upon the Lord without distraction. On Tuesday I had such a sweet and resigned will as I scarce ever had before. I was much taken up with the blessedness of heaven, and had no doubt but I should be there; but had no will of my own to die or live, only as the Lord should please, and not one reluctant thought concerning the leaving of my friends or family. I lay quite passive in the hands of my dear Lord. O may he ever keep me so!

_Mary Pearce_ was a woman of good sense, which, mixed with grace, was exceeding amiable. She had great light as to the spiritual life, could see the state of our souls, and set them before us as clear as the sun. She was of a spirit that sympathized with every one, both in their temporal and spiritual trials. Indeed her own life was a life of trials; which, she always said, was best for her, and no more than was needful to keep her from pride, and to break her stubborn will. But she bore all her trials with sweetness of temper, and never mentioned them but to a near friend. She was a dutiful child, a tender parent, an affectionate wife, and a faithful friend. May I tread in her steps, and follow the example of her patience to the end!

Friday, December 18. I am much burthened in body, and confined by reason of my burthen. Yet, blessed be God, I have patience to bear it, and tarry his leisure. I have been much tempted to an angry zeal, against some of my unconverted relations. But I saw the snare, and was delivered. Sometimes it is a cross to go to private prayer: but I still have peace and love. In meeting my band, I saw and felt my weakness very much. Yet the Lord blessed us, while we called upon him. Lord, bless me in the approaching hour of trial. Bless what is formed in me, and, if it live in this world; may it be devoted to thy service. Sanctify her sickness to my child, that is now under thy correcting hand. Prepare her for life or for death: and may I, and all my dear children meet at thy right-hand.

Sunday 27. I see more and more, that every thing I receive, is for the sake of my dear Lord, and that I always want his precious blood, to wash and keep me clean. Blessed be his name for faith in him. I find his light discovers darkness more and more. It is a great thing to come empty to God. Lord, help me to come wholly out of myself, to come to thee, as at first I came, and to return to thee all thou givest me. And help me in the approaching trial, to glorify thy great and holy name, either by life, or by death. To me, to live be Christ, and to die be gain.

Wednesday 30. Though I was greatly burthened in body, I enjoyed much peace of mind. But I was desirous, that those who had so highly dishonoured God should be openly expelled from us. Lord, lay thy mighty hand upon them, and sink them into deep repentance, that they may cry mightily to God, that he may enable them to return to him, from whom they have so deeply revolted.

Friday, January 1, 1768. Glory be to God for his unbounded mercies to me, in the year that is past. Thanks be to God and the Lamb, that he has given me to see the beginning of another year. Whatever time I live, may I live more to his glory, than ever I have done heretofore!

Saturday 2. This day has been a day of faith, and peace, and love: and my soul has been much drawn out in prayer. Now let me expect fresh trials, after such a shower of blessings.

Sunday 3. Though I am still confined from the outward means, which are highly desirable, yet, blessed be God, I find him present with me, keeping my soul in perfect peace. But I doubt I spoke more words to-day than were to the glory of God. O let the blood of thy Son, Jesus Christ, still cleanse me from all sin!

Sunday 10. Though much disordered in body, I enjoyed much peace and love in my soul. I calmly expect the Lord to deliver me of the fruit of my womb. But I do not find any will, but to glorify God; either by life or by death.

Sunday 17. Many times I have not power to speak: but, blessed be God, I find much thankfulness for all his mercies. My desires are still strong for God and his work, and I find an increase of peace and patience. In meeting my band, and in family prayer, he blessed us in an uncommon manner. But the more blessings I receive from him, the more I see and feel of my own weakness.

*Saturday 23. When the Lord opens my hand, to relieve the want of any of his poor creatures, I find still there is need to cry to him, that I may give him all the glory. Blessed be his name, my own spirit is dying daily. Yet I sometimes find it a cross to go to private prayer; but so much the more am I blest therein. And the Lord greatly blessed us in family prayer, when I earnestly called upon him, to come and destroy inbred sin out of the hearts of those who know his pardoning love.

Sunday 24. I had a longing desire to speak very plainly to my dear mother. But I could not; I could only pray with her, and read to her some passages of scripture. But, blessed be God, he has answered my prayer, with regard to my family’s keeping the Lord’s day. Lord, enable them always to keep a sabbath of rest, and to find rest in their own souls!

Sunday 31. Glory, and thanks, and praise, be to God and the Lamb, for his unbounded love to such an helpless worm! Blessed be his holy name, I enjoy peace, and love to God and all mankind. I have no desire to live, unless to his glory: but, through the burden and pain of my body, I cannot put my desires in practice as I would: blessed be God, that he takes the will for the deed. Lord, help me in my present condition, to glorify thee by patience: to be content to suffer as long as thy goodness pleases, and to wait till thy good time is come. And let me regard neither pain, nor ease, but as it brings me nearer to my dear Lord.

From Tuesday to Friday I was quite confined to my bed. On Tuesday, I had much liberty in meeting my band: but since that time, I have had little power, except at intervals. On Friday evening, it was strongly suggested to me, “Thou wilt fail, when thy hour of trial comes.” I immediately told my husband: he prayed with me, and I found liberty. Yesterday morning, the same temptation assaulted me strongly: but I spoke of it as soon as it came. And since that time, blessed be his name, I have felt it no more. Lord, help me! Lord, keep me every moment! Keep me to the end, for my dear Lord’s sake!

A short ACCOUNT of
ANN JOHNSON.
By JOHN JOHNSON.

1. SHE was born at _Lambeth_, October 17, 1717. Her mother died while she was young. About sixteen, she married a seafaring man, who by his extravagance exposed her to many difficulties. Often in sailing from port to port, to prevent, if possible, his wasting his money when he came from sea, she was in great danger, and then made many resolutions; but they quickly died away.

2. On February 14, 1747. Her husband brought her to _Dublin_. But she was still the same: “I do not remember, said she, that I had any thought, whether I had a soul or not, till I was about twenty-eight years old.” At that time she began to reflect with terror, on the immortality of her soul. She saw and felt, that hell was her just desert, and could find no way to escape it. She knew she was under the wrath of God, but knew not how to appease it. She went from church to church, and endeavoured to do whatever she was taught; but found all she could do was nothing. Sometimes indeed her convictions subsided for a time; but returned with double violence. The cry of her soul continually was, “Lord what must I do to be saved? Shew me the way wherein I should go!” Thus she went on for several years.

3. About fourteen years ago she heard Mr. _Thomas Walsh_ preach in the New-room. She said, “He made my soul tremble exceedingly.” Her fears were rather increased than lessened. But the eyes of her understanding were not opened, with regard to the true method of salvation. Afterwards she heard “that blessed man of God,” (as she justly called him) _Paul Greenwood_. She then saw, that _by grace we are saved through faith_, and at the same time, sin received a mortal wound. She determined, nothing should prevent her seeking the pearl of great price, that precious faith. She had much opposition; but nothing stopped her soul on full stretch for salvation. Such was her desire to hear the word, that frequently when she was locked into the room, up one pair of stairs, she got out at a window. She directly joined the society, and counted all things loss, so she might win Christ.

4. It was not long before it pleased God to remove the opposer out of the way. She now frequently received much comfort: but that did not satisfy. Nothing could give her lasting comfort, till she knew her sins were blotted out. This she earnestly sought both in private and public, missing no opportunity of hearing the preaching. And one Sunday morning, as Mr. _Deaves_ was giving out an hymn, God was _pleased to reveal his Son in_ her, and to enable her to say with a clear confidence, “He has loved _me_, and given himself for _me_.” It was with much difficulty that she refrained from crying out, and exhorting all to praise the Lord. She now delighted to run the way of his commandments. Her heart was enlarged. Both her heart and hands were open towards those that feared God, and had her power been equal to her will, none of them should have wanted any thing. For some months she walked as on the wings of the wind.

“Jesus all the day long
Was her joy and her song:
O that all his salvation may see!
He has lov’d me, she cried,
He hath suffer’d and died
To redeem such a rebel as me!”

Though her outward situation was disagreeable, being surrounded great part of the day, with those who constrained her to see and hear what her soul abhorred; yet his grace was sufficient for her, and she remained always rejoicing, and praising the God of her salvation.

5. After some months, it was shewn her, that the seeds of sin were not yet rooted out of her heart. Yet she did not let go her confidence in God, neither lose the power over her besetting sin, which was anger. And it was her principle, not to rest an hour, without a feeling sense of the love of God.

6. On October the 9th, 1760, by the providence of God, she and I were married. She was truly an helpmate for ten years, three months, and two days: during which time we could truly say, there never was any thing but love and tenderness toward each other. There never was, that I remember, but once, any appearance of what is called a quarrel. And in a few hours she saw, it was not her business, to interfere with the discipline of the society.

7. Although there was the most tender affection between us, yet so exceeding great was her love to souls, and her desire for their welfare, that she was willing at all times for me to go to any part of the kingdom, without ever saying, “If you _must_ go, stay a few days longer.” And if I was absent three or six months, nay, a whole year, which was once the case, she never complained. She could part with husband, or any thing, to glorify him, who had done so much for her. The last time I spoke of leaving her, she was ill. My friends then advised me, not to go. I was inclined to follow their advice, as there appeared little hope of her recovery. But she insisted on my going where Providence called, saying, “I never have hindered you yet. And if I should do it now, I believe it would be displeasing to God.” I went, and after an absence of three months, returned just at the time, when she was taken with that last illness, which prevented her going out any more. And for my coming home just at that time, she praised God to her latest hour.

8. During the last ten years of her life, she had many and great conflicts. The sense of inbred sin, and of her having so many times offended God, after she had known his love, often lay heavy upon her mind, and pierced her with deep sorrow. The earnest desire of her soul was, to be wholly given up to God. But she was tormented with that fear, lest she should not glorify God in life and in death: particularly, lest by any improper behaviour at her death, she should be a reproach to the gospel. Likewise anxious care about the world, sometimes exceedingly distressed her. She was tempted to fear, lest she should live to be a burden to the society. Or, at least, till she could not be helpful to others, as she knew, it was more blessed to give than to receive. But thro’ the mercy of God, none of the things which she had feared came upon her.

9. Above two years ago, the disorder which occasioned her death began to be violent. Yet she did not abate her diligence, to support herself and family, till July 1769. Her pains then so increased, that she had no ease night or day, only when she slept, which was seldom more than an hour or two. But notwithstanding this, she could not be prevailed upon to keep her room before Christmas. From that time she was in exquisite pain, as tho’ her bowels were tearing asunder. She often said, _wearisome nights and days are appointed for me_. Yet in the sharpest pain, she never _charged God foolishly_, or once said, he dealt hardly with her.

10. During this long confinement, she felt a keen conviction of her past unfaithfulness, together with a piercing sense of inbred sin. And on both these accounts, she was often crying out in deep distress, _God be merciful to me a sinner_. She steddily believed, it was the privilege of God’s people, always to feel the clear witness of his spirit. Accordingly she was always, either rejoicing in the Lord, or deeply distressed for want of it. Even in the severest pain, she was not satisfied with patience, unless she had joy in the Lord.

11. She often would say, “The devil tells me, the peace I feel is only stupidity: that I have been an hypocrite all my life, and never was converted. But I can with confidence answer, this is false. I never desired to deceive either myself or others. I know the Lord did awaken my soul, and convert me to himself. And I cannot accuse myself of lukewarmness in my duty since. I have seldom wilfully missed my class, or band, or a sermon. Yet the manner in which I often performed those duties, causes my soul to tremble. My body was present: but often, too often my mind was engaged in my business. Herein I must plead guilty before God, and he might justly have cast me out of his presence.”

12. All this time the hand of the Lord was underneath her, and did not suffer her to sink in the deep waters. Yet she often complained, “I cannot rejoice in pain,” whereas St. _Paul_ says, _Rejoice in tribulation_: and that happy soul, _Nancy Rogers_ said, “Every pain is a spring to my soul, to lift me up to heaven.” I told her, “When you, like _Nancy_, are near your end, you may triumph over pain also. But should it be otherwise, your eternal state does not depend on that.” She cried out, “Nay, but what the scriptures declare, and what others have experienced, is for _me_.” She did not fear being cast into hell: yet her distress, at times, was exceeding great. She was vehemently athirst for full salvation, and often broke out into deep lamentation. “I am unlike the Lord! When shall I awake up after his full likeness!” Sometimes she seemed just ready to lay hold on the hope set before her. But she was checked by a sense of her unprofitableness in the ways of God: and would often break out, “True Lord, true! I am unprofitable indeed.”

13. At some times she was afraid, lest she should live to expend all she had, and leave me in distress. But about a month before her death, these fears vanished away, and she was quite resigned to the will of God, leaving it wholly to him to do what seemed him good, with her and all that she had. From this time she had no other care than that which related to her soul. She was now released from her severe pains, and her soul felt a solemn peace; tho’ she was still frequently tempted to fear, lest she should deceive herself.

14. Near three weeks after, I was reading in the fifteenth volume of the Christian Library, that section in _Isaac Ambrose_’s looking unto Jesus, “Desiring Jesus with respect to his death.” The Lord now turned his hand upon her, and caused her to feel his power. Her body seemed to be forgotten; while her spirit rejoiced in God her Saviour, crying out, “O the goodness of God, which directed that passage to be read this night!” Then she began to sing

“Thou shepherd of Israel and mine,
The joy and desire of my heart!
For closer communion I pine;
I long to reside where thou art.
The pasture I languish to find,
Where all who their shepherd obey,
Are fed, on thy bosom reclin’d,
Are screen’d from the heat of the day.”

From this time she did _rejoice evermore_; and yet longed to triumph more. Her ambitious soul could not rest, till wholly swallowed up in God.

15. January 7. She desired to be taken out of bed. As soon as her cloaths were on, she expected to have gone to rest. But God was pleased to keep her a little longer in the body, for the comfort of her surviving friends. As soon as she was a little revived, I asked, “If she could stay her soul upon the Lord?” She said, “Yes, I can, tho’ I have not always that full assurance of faith.” But the next morning, God fulfilled the desire of her heart, and filled her with faith and love. About ten she seemed just expiring: but she soon revived. I said, “My dear, can you rely on the Lord?” She answered with triumph, “I can; yes, I can. All is plain before me. There is nothing now in the way. O the precious blood of God! O the precious blood of God! That precious blood cleanseth from all sin and from all stains.” I asked, “Has that blood cleansed _you_ from all stains?” She said, “Yes, yes. It has washed me, and it will still wash me.” I said, “For sorrow you shall soon have joy.” She said, “Sorrow! I have had no sorrow. When I think of what my Lord suffered for me, mine is nothing.” Indeed the exceeding happiness she now enjoyed, made her forget all her former pains. She said, “I shall be like him! I cannot tell what that is: but I shall be like him.” The convulsions then followed each other with little respite; but in the intervals, she was still praising God.

16. Wednesday 9. In the morning she was in great agonies, but said, “Lord, thou dost all things well! Now I have nothing to do but to praise: every breath shall be praise. I have just conquered death. O Jesus, thou didst bring me into the world, and hast preferred me in the world, and hast brought me thro’ the world!” I said, “He has brought you safe to Jordan’s bank.” She said, “O yes, he has, O that I may go full sail into port! I have a blessed pilot.” This day many persons came to see her. One said, “Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord!” She replied, “So saith the Spirit: for they rest from their labours.” A convulsion followed, after which she was light-headed: unless any one spoke to her of the Lord Jesus. Then for a time, her reason returned. She did not sleep the whole night, and her breath was almost gone: yet she said, “I do not feel much pain.” Thursday 10. Early in the morning she was again composed, and said, “I shall soon be with him. I shall drink of the river that makes glad the city of God. He has brought me out the white linen and put it upon me. I see Jesus! I see Jesus! He is worth more than all I have below.” This day she often dozed; but as soon as awake, said, “O precious Jesus!” Thus she spent the day, and most part of the night, saying, “I have often been weary of speaking of him: but now I can speak of him for ever.”

17. Friday 11. She knew all that came to see her, and spoke to several of them. About ten her daughter asked her blessing. She kissed her, and said, “The Lord bless you and give you grace to be dutiful.” Soon after one came, that was very dear to her. She would have spoke to her; but at first was not able. But after a short time she said, “Her voice has been pleasant to me. Farewell. I shall soon be in heaven;” These were the last words I could understand; but she was sensible to the last. About twenty minutes before one, she fell asleep.

“Thus may we all our parting breath
Into the Saviour’s hands resign!
O Jesus let me die her death,
And let her latter end be mine!”

A short ACCOUNT of
ANN ROGERS.
By JOHN JOHNSON.

Saturday, _April 8, 1769_.