Chapter V: Part 5

"'Now,' ses he, 'that I have lost Ireland, it doesn't matter what happens to the rest of my territory. We'll play one game of Twenty-Five, and I'll back my boots, my meerschaum pipe, five ounces of tobacco, and Australia against Ireland and my fleet.'

"'Don't you think you are getting reckless?' ses the Shah.

"'I may be,' ses Shauno. 'But I might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. And one poor man more or less won't make much difference. On with the game. Philosophy is only a comfort to a man when he isn't in a state of desperation.'

"'As you will,' ses the Shah. 'Anything at all to please you.'

"So the cards were dealt once more and they played a game of Twenty-Five, and the Shah scored.

"Shauno lost his temper and commenced to swear and break up the furniture, but the Shah only looked on and smiled. Then Shauno flung a chair at him, and ses: 'You bleddy foreign rascal, sure 'tis myself that's the fool for having anything to do with the likes of you. I'll never be able to face home now, after all the misfortune I have had.'

"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I wouldn't behave like that if I were you. 'Tis undignified to appear natural in the presence of strangers. We should always reserve ingratitude and bad treatment for our friends. You are a little upset, of course, for losing what didn't belong to you, but you will feel all right again as soon as you will begin to acquire what you don't deserve.'

"'If I had my own way,--' ses Shauno.

"'If we all had our own way, the little glimmer of democracy and decency that we see struggling for existence occasionally would disappear for ever,' ses the Shah. 'Howsomever, don't be downhearted, but take a good drop of poteen, and 'twill give you all the false courage that any man wants.'

"And then he produced a small keg of the best poteen, and they drank glass after glass, and sang all the songs they could remember, from 'The Croppy Boy' to the 'Bard of Armagh,' until they fell on the floor and had to be taken to bed.

"And there they slept for two days and three nights, and on the morning of the third day, Shauno woke up with a bursting headache, and asked the Shah if he was still alive and in the land of the living. And the Shah was surprised that a real aristocrat should be so upset and affected by a night's innocent amusement. Well, they had breakfast together, and after the repast, the Shah took Shauno to see the sights, and when they arrived at the Royal Harem, Shauno fainted when he saw all the wives the poor Shah had to look after. It took him two weeks to count them all, and at the end of that time the Shah ses: 'Well,' ses he, 'how many would you like to take for a present? You can have all you want, because I am expecting another shipload next week as a Christmas box.'

"'Thanks for your kind offer,' ses Shauno. 'But I am cured now. I have made up my mind to go home and live in peace, and remain a bachelor for the remainder of my days.'

"'Oh,' ses the Shah, 'I think you should at least take one, and she will help to remind you of your visit to the Shah of Sperrispazuka.'

"''Tis only too well that I know that, but I have seen all I ever want to see of women,' ses Shauno. 'But I'll tell you what you can do without offending me, or hurting my tender feeling in any way.'

"'What may that be?' ses the Shah.

"'You can loan me a million sovereigns to show there is no ill feeling between us, and send me home in one of your first-class battleships. Of course, I must travel as a private gentleman, and when I will arrive home, I will get my poet laureate to write an ode to your generosity.'

"'I'll loan you all you want,' ses the Shah.

"So there and then he took out his bank book and gave him a cheque for the full amount, and on the morrow Shauno sailed away for England in one of the swiftest ships that ever went to sea, and the Shah never heard of him from that day to this."

"That's the devil's own queer yarn," said Micus. "What did the Shah do when he found out that he had been fooled?"

"Oh, he was as cross as a bag of cats, of course, and retired to the banquet hall of his castle, sent for all his wives, and made this speech:

"'Ladies of all shapes and sizes,' ses he, 'I have good news for you this blessed day. I'm going to make widows of every one here present, and all those who couldn't gain admittance to this large and spacious hall as well.'

"And when they heard what he said, they all burst forth into uproarious applause, and began to fling chairs, benches, stools, ink-bottles, and hairpins at each other. In short, they created the devil of a hullaballoo entirely, and they might have set fire to the place, only he threatened to send for the police. Well, when silence and order was restored, he continued and ses:

"'Ladies,' ses he, 'you will be all glad to hear that I have been fooled and cheated by an impostor, and as I have proved conclusively to my own satisfaction that I am too foolish to live, I have made up my mind to die. Yes, ladies, and to die by my own hand too. But as many of you as possible must have something to remind you of married life and a devoted husband who is about to begin his troubles in the other world by ending his troubles in this. Now,' ses he, 'come forward, one and all, and let each of you pluck a hair from my leonine head, and keep it in a locket as a souvenir until you will go home to the devil, or wherever else you may be destined for.'

"And as the last few words were spoken, he bent down his head, and his wives came along in single file to comply with his request, and before an hour was at an end, the Shah of Sperrispazuka was as bald as a snowball."

"And wouldn't it be easier for him to get a scissors and cut his hair and then distribute the locks, than to do anything so foolish," said Micus.

"Wisha, I suppose it would," said Padna. "But we all do foolish things when we are upset or excited. Well, when that part of the ceremony was all over, he ses, as the tears came to his eyes: 'Ladies,' ses he, 'I have no more to say. My hour is come and I am ready to die. I have here with me on this table a cocktail which is a concoction of ground green bottles, prussic acid, and black beetles mixed with some cheese that was refused by the soldiers at the fall of Rome, and if that won't send me to glory or perdition, may I never again drown one of you in the Canal for losing your beauty. However,' ses he, 'as a last request I would ask you to control your emotion. Let there be no singing of the National Anthem, no dancing of jigs, drinking or carousing, breaking of windows or skulls, or any other patriotic manifestation of public grief, until I am cold in my grave.'

"And then he lifted the fatal glass to his lips and drained its contents to the dregs, and so passed away the Shah of Sperrispazuka."

"I feel like having a drink of something, myself," said Micus.

"So do I," said Padna. "I think we'll stop when we'll come to the Thrush and Magpie."

"As you please," said Micus.

THE MAYOR OF LOUGHLAURNA

"I wonder," said Padna to Micus, as they wended their way along a lonely road after Mass on a Sunday morning, "if you ever heard tell of the black dog of Dooniskey that was gifted with seven senses, second sight, and an easy disposition, who followed my grandfather from the Bridge of the Hundred Arches to the Half Way House in Cromwell's Glen on the night of the rising of '98. And how he caught a hold of the tail of his coat and dragged him from Owen Roe's Cross to Cuchulain's Boreen while the soldiers of England's king were scouring the highways looking for some one to hang to the nearest finger post. And 'twas little they cared about any man, for one man looked as good as another to them, as he swung from a branch of a tree on the roadside or on a gibbet on the mountain top. And 'twas the selfsame black dog that saved him from the fairies of Galway on a dark windy night, when all the fairies of the world assembled in the Gap of Dunlow and made speeches in favour of women holding their tongues until the Judgment Day."

"I never heard tell of the black dog of Dooniskey, or your old grandfather, or the fairies who wanted to steal him either, but what the fairies wanted him for is more than I can understand," said Micus.

"Wisha, bad luck to your ignorance this blessed day, not to know that he was the best musician in the seven parishes, and the likes of his playing on the fiddle was never known since the Devil played a jig for Henry the Eighth the night he died. What do you think the fairies would want my grandfather for, but to play the 'Coulin,' 'Eileen Aroon,' 'The Last Rose of Summer,' 'The Dirge of Ossian,' 'The Lamentation of Deirdre' and 'My Dark Rosaleen' for them in the caves of the ocean when the drowsy eye of night quivers and closes, and they tired of dancing to the music of the waves on the cobbled beaches of the north, south, east, and western coast?" said Padna.

"'Tis a great thing indeed to be able to play the fiddle, sing a song, dance a jig, make a short speech, tell a good story, or do anything at all that gives pleasure to another, but the greatest of all achievements is to be able to please yourself without offending some one else. But be that as it may, let me hear no more about your grandfather, because there is nothing disagrees with me more than to have to listen to some one retailing the exploits of people I haven't the remotest interest in," said Micus.

"Well, then, you might like to hear about the black cat I met the night before I got married," said Padna.

"What's coming over you at all? If we were to be noticing the doings of black cats, black dogs, the rats that leave a ship, the queer dreams that follow a heavy supper, the calm that precedes and follows a storm, and all the other signs and tokens that may mean everything or nothing, we would become so bewildered that damn the bit of work would we do from one end of the year to the other, and by trying to become too wise we would become too foolish for sensible people to pay any attention to us," said Micus.

"Some men don't realize how foolish they are by being too sensible, until they see their grandchildren squandering their hard-earned savings," said Padna.

"That's the kind of experience that makes pessimists, and the few people worth working for are, as a rule, able to work for themselves. And though there is a limit to all things, except the extravagance of women and the patience of husbands, yet on the other hand only for women there would be no trouble, and without trouble of some kind life wouldn't be worth living," said Micus.

"There's trouble everywhere, both on the dry land, the stormy ocean, in the cot and in the castle, and the devil a one will you ever find who doesn't like to have a quarrel now and again. But as the Mayor of Loughlaurna said to me one day: 'Life is too short for some, too long for others, and a great bother to us all,'" said Padna.

"Who the devil was the Mayor of Loughlaurna, and where did you meet him?" said Micus.

"The Mayor of Loughlaurna," said Padna, "if I am to take his own word for it, was a gentleman."

"A gentleman," said Micus, "don't have to tell you he's one."

"Neither does a bla'guard, a thief, or a rogue, for that matter," said Padna. "Howsomever, 'twas on a summer's day, many years ago when I was young, and believed all the things I should doubt, and doubted all I should believe, that I met the Mayor of Loughlaurna. I was out fishing in a small boat that I had moored in the centre of the lough itself, and though I started at early morning, blast the bit did I catch all day except a cold in the head and chest, but as I was about to haul in my line at the tail end of the evening, something began to pull and tug, and I hauled and hauled and hauled until I thought I was dragging one of the Spanish Armada from the depths of the sea. But lo and behold! what did I find, when I came to the end of my pulling and tugging and dragging, but the finest-looking salmon your eyes ever rested on. And when I drew him over the gunwale, and took the hook from his mouth before breaking his neck on my knee, he gave one jump, cleared two thwarts, stood on his tail and commenced to abuse me, the same as if he was in politics all his lifetime."

"And what did he say?" said Micus.

"'Bad scran to your confounded impudence and presumption, not to say a word about your absence of courtesy and good breeding,' ses he. 'How dare you interfere with people who don't interfere with you?'

"'Oh,' ses I, 'sure 'tis by interference, inference, and ignorance that most of us become prosperous and presumptuous. And without presumption there would be no assumption, and without assumption there would be only chaos, and people would never get the things they are not entitled to.'

"'Well,' ses he, 'I often heard that a little learning is the saving grace of an ignoramus, but now I have no doubt whatever about it.'

"'Well,' ses I, 'if it takes a rogue to find a rogue, it takes one ignoramus to find wisdom in another.'

"'I think,' ses he, 'that you have a lot to learn, and as much more to unlearn, before you will be fit to advise those who may be senseless enough to heed you.'

"'You should know,' ses I, 'unless you are a schoolmaster, that what is wisdom to one man is tomfoolery to another. But who the blazes are you anyway, that I should be wasting my time talking like this?'

"'You might as well be talking to me as anyone else,' ses he, 'because most people spend their lives between talking and sleeping, and all their old talk makes no more impression on the world than their snoring. And when they die, they are immediately forgotten by every one except those to whom they owed money. But if 'tis the way you want to know who I am,' ses he, 'I will tell you before you will have time to make another mistake.'

"'You must hurry up then,' ses I.

"'The man who stands here before you,' ses he, 'is no less a person than His Lordship the Mayor of Loughlaurna.'

"'That's a giant of a title for a bit of a man like yourself,' ses I. 'But how came the likes of you to be Mayor of Loughlaurna?'

"'What way would any one become mayor of a city, unless by his ability to control others, or the ability of others to control him? Many a man got a good job because he knew how to hold his tongue,' ses he.

"'Bedad,' ses I, 'honesty must have gone on a holiday the day that gold was discovered, and never returned.'

"'Wisha, God help you for a poor fool to think that honesty ever existed. Honesty is like the gift of silence among women,--it only exists, so to speak, after death. But now to my history. I suppose you often heard tell of a song that the tinkers sing in public houses on Saturday nights. It goes like this:

"On Lough Neagh's bank, as the fisherman strays,
When the clear cool eve's declining,
He sees the round towers of other days
In the waters beneath him shining."'

"'Indeed, I did then many and many a time,' ses I. 'My mother used to sing it for me when I was in the cradle, and 'twill keep ringing in my ears till the day I die, as 'twill keep ringing in the ears of every son of Granuaile, whether he be drinking tea with the dusky maidens of the South Seas or philandering with the beauties of the United States.'

"'Are the American beauties as contrary as ever?' ses he.

"'Well,' ses I, 'they can afford to be more so than women who can't support their husbands. Man at last is emancipated and is now beginning to take his place side by side with woman. The age of freedom is at hand and chaos is within arm's reach,' ses I.

"'That little digression was interesting,' ses he. 'But to proceed about the song. My poor mother used to sing it for me too, and told me the story of how it came to be written. It appears that in the long, long ago, before people were as satisfied with their ignorance and bad manners as they are to-day, there was a well in the town of Neagh that grew to be a great lake in the middle of the night, and before morning came the highest steeple was covered, and every single inhabitant, man, woman, and child, was drowned. And only for that,' ses he, 'maybe 'tis the way yourself would be walking through the streets of the town this very day admiring the pretty girls, for 'tis the eye of a philanderer you have, not to mention your sleuthering tongue.'

"''Twas long ago that I gave up admiring the pretty girls,' ses I.

"'I don't believe a word of it,' ses he. 'A man is never too old to admire a pretty woman. And the old men, God forgive them, are worse than the young men. For the young ones does be shy and bashful, while the old ones are as brazen and courageous as the Devil himself, even though they might be on the brink of the grave itself.'

"'I have listened to enough of your old talk, and if you want me to believe that you are the Mayor of Loughlaurna, you must prove it. What are you but a fish? And how could a fish be Mayor of a city?'

"'I wasn't always a fish, and I suppose you have heard of Spain and the Rocky Mountains?' ses he.

"'I have, of course,' ses I.

"'And the children of Lir?' ses he.

"'Yes,' ses I.

"'Well, the night before King Lir's lovely daughter Fionnuala and her two brothers were turned into swans by the magic power of their stepmother, and condemned to wander on the waters of the world for three hundred years, I was sitting by my own fireside, reading about the adventures of Brian Boru, the Red Branch Knights, Queen Maeve, and Deirdre.'

"'Pardon me,' ses I, 'Brian Boru wasn't born when King Lir took unto himself a second wife.'

"'You shouldn't interrupt me for a trifle like that, though strictly speaking trifles are the cause of most interruptions. That's only a historical mistake, and history itself is full of mistakes. And the man who can't make a mistake must be a damn fool. However,' ses he, 'as I was sitting by the hearth reading away for myself, who should stroll into the drawing-room but a fairy princess with a wand in her hand? And as I didn't know who she was or where she came from, I up and ses: "Good night, ma'am," ses I, "as you wouldn't say it yourself."'

"'Good night kindly,' ses she.

"'Might I ask who are you at all?' ses I.

"'If I told you who I am, you would be as wise as myself,' ses she.

"'Do you know who you are talking to?' ses he.

"'Indeed, I do,' ses she. 'You are Michael Henry Patrick Joseph Billy Dan MacMorrough, the Mayor of Laurna.'

"'That's my full name and title,' ses he, 'but I takes more after my mother's people than my father's.'

"'That's a pity, because your mother was decent to the point of folly, while your father never did a bit for any one but himself,' ses she.

"'And what may your business be with me this blessed night?' ses he.

"'I just want to amuse myself at your expense,' ses she.

"'And why at all?' ses he.

"'Well, just because you are the most respected man in the land, and have only a good word for every one, and because you have always done the right thing and lived an exemplary life. In this world most things go by contrary. The good must suffer so that the bad may have a chance of enjoying themselves. And as the good are always worrying about the bad, and as the bad never bother their heads about the good, and as everything is topsy turvy, 'tis only right and consistent that you should be duly punished for your virtues, and made to know what sorrow means in its widest sense,' ses she.

"'What are you going to do to me?' ses he.

"'I'm going to turn you into a fish,' ses she.

"'What kind of a fish? A sprat or a mackerel maybe?' ses he.

"'Nothing so common,' ses she.

"'What, then?' ses he.

"'A salmon,' ses she.

"'Thank heavens,' ses he. 'That same is a consolation.'

"'Things are never so bad that a woman can't make them worse. And things might be much better.'

"'Howsomever,' ses he, 'I think that 'tis a piece of gross injustice to change me from a respectable man into a fish, moreover when I am head and ears in love with King Lir's lovely daughter Fionnuala.'

"'Lir's lovely daughter was turned into a swan last night,' ses she. 'But 'tis better to have loved and lost inself than to be kept awake at night by squalling children who won't thank you when they grow up for all you had to endure on their account. And who would want to provide for a large wife and a large family unless he might have plenty money,' ses she.

"'Is it the truth you are telling about the children of Lir?' ses he.

"''Twill soon be a recorded fact in history,' ses she.

"And as the words fell from her lips, tears fell from his eyes, and he wept and wept until the water reached his chin, and then with one wave of the magic wand he was turned into a salmon, but he still continued to weep and weep until the waters rose above the highest steeple in the town of Laurna, and there he lived swimming about in his own tears, until I caught him when fishing for bream on a summer's evening some five and twenty years ago," said Padna.

"And what did you say to him when he told you that yarn?" said Micus.

"I said that I thought he should have been more upset about his own fate than that of Lir's lovely daughter.

"'That may be,' ses he, 'but there's no pleasure to be got from worrying about yourself. We only really enjoy ourselves when we fret and worry about those we love. The pleasures of melancholy are best enjoyed by those who have loved and lost and been desired by no one else. And besides,' ses he, 'the man who has suffered is always more interesting and entertaining than the man who has not. But at best that is only cold comfort.'

"'True for you,' ses I. 'Yet you should have received your liberty years and years ago, because the children of Lir were released from their captivity at the dawn of Christianity. The ringing of the first church bell was the signal for their release, but when they returned home after their wanderings, all their old friends and neighbours were dead and gone. Why you should be made suffer so much, or any of us, the best and the worst, is more than I can comprehend.'

"'The devil a one of me can understand it, either. None of us know what's before us, because none of us know what may have been behind us, so to speak. But if I did live before, 'tisn't likely that I was an angel,' ses he.

"'I suppose,' ses I, 'that none of us can differentiate thoroughly between good and evil. What one man thinks is right another will think is wrong, and while none of us understand the other, we can't expect things to be any better than they are. If we all thought alike, there would be no difference of opinion. And if we all agreed about religion and politics, we might have the greatest contempt for each other. And unless a man is either better or worse than ourselves, we don't pay any attention to him at all.'

"'True,' ses he.

"'We could keep bladdering away like this till the leaves fall from the trees, but you have not told me yet when the fairy princess said you would be released,' ses I.

"'When a woman can be found who don't want to get her photo taken, or see herself in a mirror, or want to read her husband's letters, or search his pockets, and when the Germans will get to Paris,' ses he.

"'You had better go back to the Lough,' ses I.

"'I will,' ses he, 'because I am getting thirsty as well as homesick.'

"And with that he shook hands with me, bid me good-by, and jumped into the waters, and that was the last I saw of the Mayor of Loughlaurna."

"There's no place like home," said Micus.

"No," said Padna.

THE LAND OF PEACE AND PLENTY

"Ah, God help us, but 'tis a bad night for poor sailors," said Padna Dan, as he pulled his chair close to the glowing hearth where faggots blazed and a kettle sang. "The strand will be strewn with wreckage to-morrow, and there will be more widows and lonely mothers in the world than ever there was before, and all because the winds have no mercy, and the sea has no mercy, and there's no mercy anywhere but in the heart of God. There's a peal of thunder now, and if the clouds burst and the rain comes, there won't be a sheaf of corn left standing in Castlebawn to-morrow."

"There will, please God," said Micus, as he stirred the fire.

"'Tis like you to have the good word," said Padna, "but I'm sick and tired of this country altogether. When we have a fine summer we have a bad autumn, and when we have a good spring we have a wet summer, and when we have a hard winter we have nothing at all. I can't understand these things. 'Pon my word, I can't."

"No, nor any one else, either," said Micus. "How is it that decent fathers and mothers rear worthless children, and worthless children rear decent fathers and mothers? Or how is it that grass grows in the fields, and the lark sings in the sky, and the trees lose their leaves in winter? Or how is it that the world isn't under water long ago after all the rain we've had since Cromwell went to hell? Or how is it that people will spend half their lifetime educating themselves, and then go to war and kill people they had no quarrel with at all?"

"Didn't I tell you I can't understand these things?" said Padna, rather piqued. "Sure if I could, I'd be a philosopher, and if I was a philosopher, I wouldn't have to worry about anything."

"And why?" said Micus.

"Because philosophers are people with easy minds and usually they have all they want."

"And what's a pessimist?" said Micus.

"A pessimist is a philosopher before he gets a good job," answered Padna.

"And what am I then?"

"What are you? You're a philosopher, of course."

"Bedad, I suppose I am," said Micus. "It takes all kinds of people to make a world, anyway."

"It does," said Padna. "Philosophers, pessimists, suffragettes, and policemen."

"The world is a strange place."

"Indeed it is, and a beautiful place, when you haven't to work for a living."

"And life is a strange thing."

"Life is a wonderful thing, a queer and bewildering thing, but a magnificent thing withal, when you're not married."

"'Tis, but no one makes the most of it. Some make it short by trying to make it long, and others make it long by trying to make it short."

"Suicide is a cowardly thing if you're married, and a brave thing if you're not, but there's nothing worse than selfishness, except being an Orangeman. They're more proud than the peacocks themselves, and no one would bother with peacocks only for their fine feathers."

"I never ate peacocks," said Micus, "but I'd rather a good piece of bacon and cabbage than the finest turkey that was ever killed, cooked, and eaten."

"Good green cabbage is a wholesome thing and bacon is better, but when a man has neither, there's nothing like a good smoke."

"That's the worst of this country," said Micus. "Some things are better than others, and a little of anything only gives you an appetite for more, and too much is as bad as too little. Too little makes one peevish and selfish, and too much makes one foolish. When you're happy, you start thinking about the days of sorrow and mourning you had, and when you're unhappy you start thinking about the days of joy and pleasure, and no matter what way you are, you want to be some other way. Sure this is no place for a man to live, if he wants to enjoy himself."

"And where would you live if not in your native land? The savage loves his native heath."

"I know he does, but the real estate men love it better, and that's why land is so dear in America. The Land of Peace and Plenty is the only place to live."

"The Land of Peace and Plenty! Where's that?"

"Oh! 'tis leagues and leagues and leagues from anywhere you know."

"And how did you get there?"

"In a ship, of course. When I was a boy, I sailed over the ocean for six months without finding a single night, nothing but days all the time, until you forgot what darkness was like. Well, one night at twelve o'clock, though 'twas broad daylight, mind you, one of our crew, Martin O'Farrell, was playing 'The Boys of Wexford' on a gadget, when lo and behold! a sea serpent puts his head out of the waters and ses: 'Bravo, Martin,' ses he. 'That's the finest tune in all the world, but play me a four-hand reel,' ses he, '"The Kerryman's Daughter," for choice, and I'll dance for you until old Ireland is free.' And Martin started to play 'The Kerryman's Daughter' and the sea serpent started to dance, and he kicked up such a devil of a row, and lashed and splashed the waters until our ship got tossed about so badly that she finally foundered, and not a soul was saved but myself."

"And how did you save yourself?"

"Well, when I saw the way things were, I thought to myself that there was trouble ahead, so I lashed a knife to each of my feet, and one on each of my hands, the way you'd see fins on a fish. I put three on my back and so many on my head that you'd think I was a porcupine, and when I looked to the west, I saw land about two or three hundred miles away. 'Fortune favors the brave as well as the foolish,' ses I, and then I started out for the shore."

"You did, is it?"

"If I didn't, how could I be telling you all about it? Well, the sea was alive with hungry sharks, but every time one swallowed me up, I cut my way through and escaped, only to be swallowed again, but even that had its advantages. I was carried nearer the shore each time, until finally I reached terra firma, as safe and as sound as a Protestant."

"How many sharks did you kill?"

"Just enough to teach the others how to behave themselves."

"And when you reached the shore, what did you do?"

"I dried my clothes on the hot sand, shaved myself with one of the knives I had on my head, and used a pool of water for a looking glass, and when I combed my hair, every lady in the land fell in love with me, but I only fell in love with one."

"And what kind was she?" asked Padna.

"She was a lady of great beauty," said Micus, "and as she passed by she looked into my eyes, and though I might live for ten thousand years I will never forget her. Sure no words that ever were spoken could describe her queenly gait and inspiring glances. She seemed to have come from some place not yet discovered by man, and looked as lonesome and as beautiful as a lily in a cabbage garden."

"And why did you not follow her and find out something about her?"

"Ah me, sure she disappeared for ever, before I could find any word at all to say. I have seen other beautiful women, but they had only the beauty of flowers which fade and die. But her beauty was the beauty which lives and never dies."

"I suppose it must be that same thing which all the people does be talking about, but don't know what it is at all, at all."

"Sure if you knew all about anything, you wouldn't be talking about it."

"That's true."

"Love is the most beautiful thing in all the world, and it isn't so much anything else as a divine state of mind."

"So 'twas in the Land of Peace and Plenty that you fell in love with a beauty who came into your life for a moment and went out of it for ever?"

"Yes," said Micus.

"An' that's why you've remained an old bachelor, was it?"

"That's the one and only reason."

"I am sorry for you," said Padna.

"You needn't be sorry," said Micus. "If a bachelor has sorrows, he has joys as well, and 'tis better to keep what you have than to lose what you haven't."

"How could you lose what you haven't?"

"Well, you might get it if you tried hard enough, and then only find discontent and disillusionment."

"I'd like to go to the Land of Peace and Plenty. It must be a wonderful place."

"A wonderful place it is, then, surely, and nearly as wonderful as the sun itself."

"When the earth goes too near the sun it is too hot, and when it goes too far away from the sun it is too cold, but in the Land of Peace and Plenty, I suppose it must be always beautiful."

"Indeed and it is."

"What do all the people do there?"

"In the Land of Peace and Plenty, nobody does anything but enjoy themselves."

"And if the Land of Peace and Plenty is such a wonderful place, how is it that the great powers of the world don't go to war for it?" asked Padna.

"Sure they did go to war for it long before you began to make mistakes," answered Micus, "and great battles were fought there too. And after the greatest battle of all was ended, the King ses to all the High Generals: 'Fellow warriors and likewise courageous omadhauns,' ses he, 'what are we fighting for, anyway? The world is large enough for us all, and there's enough of dead men already, and those that aren't dead are alive, and those that are alive are nearly dead, but all the same,' ses he, 'I must compliment you on the magnificent way you slaughtered my fellow countrymen and your own fellow men, though why you did so, or wanted to do so, God alone knows.'"

"Every man is entitled to as much enjoyment as he can afford," said Padna. "Sorrow is the price of pleasure, and the sport of nations is the curse of mankind."

"We won't discuss international politics. The world was best when people left others to mind their own business."

"Proceed about the King of the Land of Peace and Plenty," said Padna. "Interruptions and digressions are bad unless they're for one's good."

"That's true, but half a loaf is better than no bread when a man isn't hungry."

"Two heads are better than one," said Padna, "and two fools, if they are any way sensible at all, are better than a wife with a bad temper. But comparisons are odious, as the whale said to the grasshopper. Go on with your story."

"Well, the King ses to the Generals, after they had all forgotten what he first started talking about: 'I demand,' ses he, 'in the name of justice, common sense, and humanity, that we will be allowed time to bury our dead, and that there will be no thunderous cannonading of artillery, no charges of cavalry, infantry, nor anything else that might be a breach of the etiquette of war, until our last man is buried.' And then and there the Generals agreed, and from that day to this, there was never a sound, except of music, heard in the Land of Peace and Plenty."

"I don't quite understand," said Padna.

"Well," said Micus, "don't you see, when the last man was buried, some one else died, and as there will be always some one dying, there will be always some one to be buried in the Land of Peace and Plenty."

"All the water is boiled out of the kettle," said Padna.

"There's plenty more in the well," said Micus.

THE LINNET WITH THE CROWN OF GOLD

"What's troubling you at all? You're not looking yourself to-day," said Padna Dan to his friend Micus Pat, as he cut a switch from a blackthorn tree on the road to Mallow on a May morning.

"There's many a thing that troubles a man that he doesn't like to talk about," said Micus, "and many a thing that he talks about that doesn't trouble him at all."

"Maybe some one died who owed you money," said Padna.

"Well, as you seem to be anxious to know, it was the way that some one died, but the devil a ha'penny did he owe me, no more than yourself or the Pope of Rome," said Micus.

"Was he a member of the Royal Family then, or some one born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and no more brains in his head than you'd find with a sparrow?"

"He was no way connected with royalty or the aristocracy, but a decent man who always worked for a living, one Lareen, the birdcatcher from Duhallow."

"And what's the use fretting about any one who is dead and gone? Sure we must all die, and maybe there will be no one fretting about ourselves."

"There is some truth in that, but we can't always be as philosophic as we pretend to be."

"And was Lareen of such importance that you can't forget him, now that he's gone to his reward or his deserts, as the case may be?"

"Well," said Micus, "Lareen was a Murphy on his father's side and a Cassidy on his mother's, and both families were noted the world over for their love of sport, black pudding, and fresh drisheens. And Lareen, like his father and grandfather, was a birdcatcher by nature and a shoemaker by profession, and he always made boots and shoes for the parish priest and the minister, and he used to collect the money at the chapel door on Sundays. There was no man in the seven parishes who could blow the organ for vespers better than himself, but the devil a bit he ever got for all he did for others, except that he contracted rheumatics from walking in the rain while attending funerals of the poor. However, that same had its compensations, because it helped him to remember that he wasn't long for this life, and that he had a soul to save and a wife and family to support. But to go on with my story. One fine morning, as I was reading the newspaper that I got the lend of from the public house opposite the pump at the bend of the road, who should come into the house but Lareen himself, and there and then he up and ses: 'Good morning, Micus,' ses he.

"'Good morning kindly, Lareen,' ses I. 'What's the good word?'

"'Nothing in particular,' ses he.

"'Have you no news at all?' ses I.

"'Yes, I have a little,' ses he.

"'I'd like to hear it then,' ses I.

"'Very well,' ses he. 'The King of Morocco has a corn on his big toe, and he sent to the United States for a specialist to remove it.'

"'Is that so?' ses I. 'Sure 'twould be as cheap to send to London or Dublin or Cork itself for a specialist as the United States,' ses I. 'An operation like that will cost him a lot of money, anyway, but what matter? He don't have to earn it, and the more he spends, the more respectable the people will think he is. But nevertheless 'twould be cheaper for him to cut a piece out of his boot, or cut his toe off altogether, than to send to America for a doctor.'

"'True,' ses he, 'and if we were all to charge as much for the little we do as the doctors and the specialists, 'tis the way that we might make bankrupts of each other overnight, and as a consequence we might all die of want and privation.'

"'That's very true indeed, but is that all the news you have for me?' ses I.

"'Well, not exactly,' ses he. 'There was a man shot in Russia last week, the Grand Duke of Ballybrophy went to America to be lionized by the republicans and democrats, a kangaroo died in Australia, the King of Italy bought a new hat, and Queen Victoria gave a shilling for the relief of the poor of Ireland.'

"'And tell me,' ses I, 'is it all to be given to the Protestants?'

"'No,' ses he, ''tis to be equally divided among the poor of all classes.'

"'I'm glad to hear that,' ses I, 'because it denotes a fine, broad-minded, and generous spirit. But what pleases me more than anything else is that she has not forgotten that Ireland is still on the map.'

"'Why,' ses he, 'Ireland will never be forgotten while there is money to be made at politics in America, and politics, they say, is the most popular religion in the United States.'

"'And was it to tell me what I know already that brought you here?'

"'No,' ses he. 'I wanted to tell you that I dreamt of my mother's people last night, and that always brings me good luck. So as 'tis a fine hard frosty day, I'd like to go birdcatching in Fingal's Glen, and catch a dozen linnets, half a dozen finches, and maybe a couple of blackbirds and thrushes. But I haven't the makings of a sprig of birdlime, or a crib, or a good singing bird to bring with me,' ses he.

"'If that is all that's troubling you,' ses I, 'you have no longer any cause to worry. I'll give you the box of birdlime that the bishop himself made me a present of last Easter, and I'll give you the loan of the best singing bird I have in the house, a linnet that would put a nightingale or a prima donna to shame,' ses I.

"And with that I handed him the box of birdlime that was made by the best cobbler in Antrim, and I took down the linnet cage from over the half door, and gave him that also.

"And then ses I, 'Go your way and may God bless you, and if you can't catch birds with my linnet and the bishop's birdlime, you might as well go to America and try and convince the Irish-Americans that they are not a bit better than the Irish at home.'

"'Wisha, bad luck to their impudence,' ses he. 'What do they know about the Irish at home?'

"'The devil a hap'orth,' ses I. And then he put the cage under his arm and ses: 'I wish I knew how to thank you for all your kindness, and now I will trouble you for the loan of your topcoat, the fillings of a pipe, and a box of matches. For 'tis frozen with the cold I'll be, standing behind a furze bush waiting for a flock of linnets to rise, so that I may throw myself down on my face and hands on the wet grass, the way they wouldn't see me at all,' ses he.

"'A good birdcatcher,' ses I, 'will always find a place where he will be able to hide without throwing himself down on the wet grass or soft earth. However, you are welcome to the loan of my old coat, and I will make you a present of a plug of tobacco and a box of matches.'

"So after he put on the coat, he walked away with his 'May the Lord spare and protect you all the days of your life,' and a week passed before he returned. I was eating my breakfast when he called, and as he pushed open the half door with his 'God bless all here,' I up and ses: 'What luck?' ses I.

"'Don't talk to me about luck,' ses he, as he placed the overcoat, the box of birdlime, and the cage on a chair beside him. 'I'm the happiest man alive,' ses he.

"'I'm sorry to hear that,' ses I.

"'And why, might I ask?' ses he.

"'Well,' ses I, ''tis only selfish people who can be really happy. Howsomever, let me hear what you have to say.'

"'I caught a linnet with a crown of gold,' ses he.

"'You did!' ses I.

"'Yes, I did,' ses he.

"'There must be a finch or a canary in the family then,' ses I.

"'Maybe both,' ses he.

"'How does he sing?' ses I.

"'Sing!' ses he. 'Why, he never stops singing at all, only when the twilight fades and the darkness comes from east and west, and north and south, and the blackness of the night covers up the hills and the valleys, the trees and the rivers, and the streams and the houses themselves,' ses he.

"'He must be a wonder,' ses I.

"'A wonder he is surely,' ses he. 'He starts at five o'clock in the morning and sings all day.'

"'If that's so,' ses I, 'I'll be outside your door with my ear to the keyhole at quarter to five, so that I can't miss the first note to break the silence and tell us that day is come.'

"'And herself is going to stay up all night, lest she might miss even the flutter of his wings, when he wakes from his sleep,' ses Lareen.

"Well, when the morrow came, I was at Lareen's door at the peep o' day, listening to the sweetest music that was ever heard in town or city, in lonely glen or by the cobbled seashore when the storm does be raging and huge breakers dash themselves to pieces on the treacherous rocks. Wonderful indeed was the song of the linnet with the crown of gold, and musicians came from all parts of the world to hear him, and all listened with great attention and took down in a book each note as he uttered it. And when they returned home, they made operas, oratorios, and symphonies from the melodies they heard in Lareen's kitchen. And selections were made for the violin, 'cello, and organ, and played at classical concerts where the well-fed fashionable people, who have no more love for art or music than a tinker's donkey, pay for being bored to death. And thus it was that the fame of Lareen's linnet grew until the King of Spain heard all about him, and immediately he sailed away from the shores of his native country with more money in his pocket than all the kings of Europe could earn in ten thousand years. And when, after a weary journey, he found himself seated by the fire talking to Lareen, all of a sudden he up and ses: 'Lareen,' ses he, 'I'll give you a golden guinea for every mistake you have made since you came to the use of reason, if you will give me the linnet with the crown of gold,' ses he.

"'And did you accept his offer?' ses I.

"'No, I did not,' ses he.

"'You damn fool,' ses I. 'Sure, if you only got a half sovereign inself for every mistake you made since you were born, you would have been made a millionaire on the spot.'

"'And how do you know I have made so many mistakes?' ses he.

"'Why, you omadhaun,' ses I, 'don't you know as yet that nearly everything we do is some kind of a mistake or other, but we don't know it until we are told so by some one else?'

"'I do not,' ses he. 'And I am just as well pleased that I don't.'

"'And what did the king say when he heard your refusal?' ses I.

"He took out his handkerchief and began to cry, and then ses he: 'I will give you your choice of a wife, and I will give you your own way as long as you can stand it, if you will give me the linnet, and I will make you a Knight of the Spade and Turnip besides.'

"'Thank you kindly,' ses Lareen. 'But, not for all the women that ever made fools of their husbands would I part with the linnet with the crown of gold.'

"So the king sailed away that night with sadness in his heart and tears in his eyes, and 'twas said that he was never heard whistling anything till the day he died but the song of the linnet with the crown of gold.

"And then the King of Prussia came and ses to Lareen: 'There's going to be a great war one day,' ses he, 'and if you will give me the linnet with the golden crown, I will give you half of France, the whole of Belgium, and maybe the Tower of London as well, when the war is over.'

"'Don't count your chickens before they are hatched,' ses Lareen, 'and remember the gentleman who went to live on St. Helena after the battle of Waterloo.'

"'Oh, the spalpeen!' ses he. 'He was bound to be caught anyway, because he overestimated his own importance.'

"'Just like a good many more people who don't know it,' ses Lareen.

"'So you won't give me the linnet?' ses the king.

"'No,' ses Lareen. And with that the king shook his head and went his way.

"The next to come was the King of Japan. And he up and ses: 'There's going to be great ructions on the other side of the Atlantic another day, and if you will give me the linnet with the golden crown, I will give you your choice of New York or Boston when the war is over.'

"'And how are you going to land an army, might I ask?' ses Lareen.

"'With the aid of the navy,' ses the king, with a smile.

"'Bedad, I wonder if that ever occurred to America,' ses Lareen.

"'I don't know, and what's more, I don't care,' ses the king.

"'There's too much old talk about peace, I'm thinking,' ses Lareen.

"'That's so,' ses the king. 'And talk by itself never did anything. Why, man alive, there is no such thing as peace in the world. The very people who advocate peace are always at cross-purposes with some one else. Sure every thing that's alive fights, from the fish in the sea to the birds of the air, and those who are not prepared always gets the worst of it. A man with a gun is better than a man with a blackthorn stick in his fist at any time, even though he might be an Irishman inself,' ses he.

"'And a small dog often leathered the devil out of a large dog when he caught him unawares,' ses Lareen.