Chapter IV: Act ONE (3)

MRS. PAMPINELLI. In that last line. You are doing splendidly, darling, [_Turning to Hossefrosse_] both of you; [_He acknowledges his excellence with a short bow._] but I have always _felt_ that that last line--was really the _big_ moment--of the play. It seems to me--[_She toys with her necklace, narrows her eyes and looks away off._] that it is there--that she makes her big plea, for her boys, for her home,--for every woman’s home. And even though that plea _is_ made in the form of a threat,--somehow or other--I seem to hear her saying, sub-vocally, of course, “In God’s _name, don’t_ make it necessary for me to do this thing!” [_She concludes this speech rather dramatically, her arms outstretched. Mr. Spindler, at this point, engaged in a too curious examination of the keyboard, accidentally touches D flat above High C. Everybody turns and looks at him, but his consciousness of guilt does not permit of his meeting their eyes, so he remains bent over the keyboard in precisely the attitude he was in when he struck the note._]

MRS. FELL. Oh, go away from that piano, Mr. Spindler! [_Mrs. Ritter comes forward at the left with a dish of cakes and a glass of claret._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Withdrawing her eyes witheringly from Spindler and turning back to Florence_] Do you see what I mean, dear?

FLORENCE. I think I do. Do you want me to go back?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No, that’s quite all right. We’ll take it right from Mr. Hossefrosse’s line, [_She turns toward Hossefrosse. And Mrs. Ritter takes advantage of the circumstance to offer Florence a cake; which, of course, is declined with thanks. Then she turns to Mrs. Pampinelli and waits till the lady has finished directing Hossefrosse._] “What do you want me to do?” [_Mrs. P. turns back, to be confronted with the cakes and claret; and she takes both. Then she and Paula move back towards the center-door._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Clearing his throat_] What do you want me to do? [_Paula gives a shriek of laughter, at something Mrs. Pampinelli whispers to her. Then Paula goes out through the center-door and offers Twiller, who is still sitting half-way up the stairs, some cake, which he accepts, and then Teddy, who declines, and finally, after taking another one herself, sets the plate down on the hallway table and resumes her chair up at the left; while Mrs. Pampinelli, cake and claret in hand, wanders forward at the right, passing over between the piano and the table below it._]

FLORENCE. I’ve already told you.

HOSSEFROSSE. Then, I suppose I’m simply to decline all women patients in the future, [_She makes a little sound of amusement._] or else submit them for general approval. [_He now presses the imaginary fire out of the cigarette on the imaginary tray on the table._]

FLORENCE. Stick to your guns, Clyde.

HOSSEFROSSE. That’s the only thing I see to do. [_Mrs. Pampinelli stands over at the right watching the scene, and eating and drinking._]

FLORENCE. Your tenacity is commendable, but it’s a lost cause. [_Looking at him steadily_] I appreciate your embarrassment--

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning to her, thrusting his hands into his coat-pockets, tilting his chin, and looking at her with an absurdly perky expression_] I’m not embarrassed.

FLORENCE. Desolation, then.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Snapping his fingers at her_] Ha! [_He swings rather jauntily across and up towards the mantelpiece._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. More nonchalance in the cross, Mr. Hossefrosse.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Turning to her suddenly_] Me?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. More savoir faire, as we say in French. [_She illustrates the idea with a kind of floating gesture of the hand._]

HOSSEFROSSE. I see. [_He continues over to the left and down towards Ritter and Mrs. Fell, endeavoring to execute Mrs. Pampinelli’s idea by raising his shoulders, stiffening his arms, throwing his head back and swinging his legs, as he walks. Nelly Fell is whispering something to Ritter behind her fan, so that, when Hossefrosse reaches them, he is obliged to touch Ritter on the shoulder and suggest with a nod and a smile that the exigencies of the play require that he shall sit where Ritter is sitting. So Ritter jumps up and tiptoes across in front of the table and up to the piano, where he stands leaning--and watching--particularly Mrs. Pampinelli._]

FLORENCE. [_Moving to the table below the piano_] But, I shall be magnanimous; having loved and lost myself. So that, really, it may not be nearly so difficult as you imagine.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Sitting on the chair vacated by Ritter_] Well, I can’t say that I relish the prospect, with any such misunderstanding as this between us.

FLORENCE. [_Crossing to the table at the left_] It’s the portion of half the world, Clyde. [_Twiller gets up from the stairs and comes down into the right hallway, where he stands watching._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Trying to look sullen, by resting one elbow on his knee and hunching his shoulders_] It certainly isn’t a very inviting one. [_Nelly Fell starts to whisper something in his ear._]

FLORENCE. But it has its compensations. [_Mrs. Pampinelli, having finished her cake and claret, sets the empty glass down on the table below the piano and uses her handkerchief._] You’ll have your memories, and I shall have the wisdom of disillusionment;--[_The telephone-bell rings, up in the left hallway. Mrs. Ritter jumps up, places her sewing-basket on the chair, and, touching her hair, comes forward quickly at the right to the table below the piano._] as well as the consciousness of lots of company.

MRS. RITTER. [_Speaking directly to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Is that my cue? [_Florence stops and turns and looks at her._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Which cue, dear?

MRS. RITTER. [_Taking a step towards Florence, and with a little questioning, bewildered gesture_] The telephone is my cue, isn’t it?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With a touch of impatience_] No, darling, you’re not on in this scene at all. Go on, Florence. [_Mrs. Ritter puts her hand to her cheek and looks from one to the other in puzzled embarrassment._]

FLORENCE. [_Turning and resuming her lines to Hossefrosse, who, by this time, is deep in conversation with Mrs. Fell_] For there are a million women exactly like me. [_Mrs. Ritter bursts out laughing. So does Teddy. Twiller reaches over the partition and flips Teddy on the head with his handkerchief. Jenny appears in the left hallway to answer the telephone._]

MRS. RITTER and FLORENCE, together.

MRS. RITTER. [_Turning to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Oh, I beg your pardon!
[_She leans across the table explaining to Mrs. Pampinelli, who tries
politely to silence her by suggestion that the scene is in progress._]
I thought that was my cue.

FLORENCE--Secondary women. [_She moves around above the table and
stands just above Hossefrosse._] So don’t look so tragic; you haven’t
lost anything but a lot of time;

JENNY. [_At the telephone_] Hello?

MRS. RITTER, FLORENCE and MRS. FELL, together.

MRS. RITTER.--I was thinking of something else, you know, and when I
heard the telephone, I thought it was for me.

FLORENCE.--And that’s always lost when it’s spent on things that are
insusceptible of conclusion.

MRS. FELL. [_Bursting into a perfect shriek of laughter at something
Hossefrosse has just finished telling her, and pushing him away from
her_] Huxley Hossefrosse, you are perfectly dreadful! [_He laughs,
too, and attempts to tell her something else, but she turns away and
waves him aside._] No, No, No.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No dear, that is your own telephone.

JENNY. [_At the telephone still_] Just a minute. [_Mrs. Ritter turns towards the back of the room._]

MRS. RITTER. Oh, so it is! [_Directly to Ritter_] I knew I had one telephone cue. [_She goes laughing through the center-door and on out into the right hallway._]

JENNY. [_Trying to attract Ritter’s attention_] MR. RITTER! [_But Ritter is absorbed in watching Hossefrosse. Florence stands waiting for Hossefrosse and Nelly to stop laughing, but as it doesn’t look as though they will ever stop, she gives Hossefrosse a little dig in the shoulder with her finger. He straightens up abruptly._]

FLORENCE. [_Prompting him_] I’ve lost her.

JENNY. Mr. Ritter!

HOSSEFROSSE. I’ve lost her.

FLORENCE. That was inevitable in your case, Clyde; you have a conventional soul. [_Jenny asks Teddy in pantomime to attract Ritter’s attention._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_In a tone intended to express abysmal despair_] I’ve lost you. [_Ritter bursts out laughing. Teddy reaches out and indicates that he is wanted on the telephone. Jenny holds the telephone up, and he steps quickly out into the hallway to take it from her._]

FLORENCE. That was incidental, eh?

HOSSEFROSSE. But, it seems to me there should be some other way.

FLORENCE. [_Moving to the right, above the table_] There is, my dear boy,--for lots of people----

RITTER. [_at the telephone_] Hello? [_Jenny goes out._]

FLORENCE. But not for you.

RITTER. Yes.

FLORENCE. You’re too respectable--Physically, I mean. [_She laughs a little, and stands above the table looking at him._]

RITTER. Well, wait a minute, I’ll talk to you upstairs. [_He sets the telephone down and starts towards the right to go upstairs. As he passes the center-door he speaks to Teddy, who is still sitting just inside the center-door on the right partition-seat._] Hang that up when I get on, will you, Teddy? [_Teddy jumps up and goes out to the telephone, and holds it, waiting till Ritter gets on the extension upstairs._]

FLORENCE. And Mrs. Rush has what it appears to me to be a rather--primitive husband--[_Hossefrosse gives her a narrow look._] and you have a very modern wife. So be wise, Clyde; you know what usually happens to him who “loves the danger.” [_There is a loud knock at the right door. Hossefrosse jumps to his feet and stands looking fearfully toward it. Florence assumes all the dignity at her command, drawing herself up, placing her right hand upon her throat, her left on her hip, and waiting,--the proud but outraged wife. Mrs. Pampinelli holds up both hands and looks in the direction of the door, to impress everybody with the dramatic value of the situation. Teddy hangs up the receiver and stands watching her. Nelly Fell straightens up briskly and sits watching the door, in expectant attention. Then Mrs. Pampinelli makes a gesture to Florence to go on with her lines._] Go into your office, I’ll talk to this woman. [_Hossefrosse drops his head and shoulders and slinks across in front of the table, a beaten man. He continues up to the center-door and out, into the right hallway. The knock is repeated at the right door. Mrs. Pampinelli motions to Teddy that that is his cue to open the door. He comes through the center-door and crosses above the piano to the right door, Mrs. Pampinelli at the same time moving over to the arm-chair at the right and enshrining herself. Teddy opens the door; and Mrs. Ritter swishes in self-consciously. Nelly Fell and Mr. Twiller give a little ripple of applause, but Mrs. Pampinelli holds one finger up toward Nelly and shushes her. Mrs. Ritter is wearing a rather bizarre-looking hat, set at something of a challenging angle, and as she comes forward at the right of the piano, she bursts into a self-conscious giggle. But Mrs. Pampinelli reproves her with a look. So she controls herself and crosses below the piano, Teddy, simultaneously, crossing above the piano. She stops at the corner of the piano and rests her left hand upon it. Then she places her right hand upon her hip, and, tilting her head back, looks at Teddy, who has stopped directly above her. Ritter appears on the stairway, and moves down a step or two, watching his wife, narrowly._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Flipping her left hand at Teddy, in an attempt to give a fly impression_] Hello, kid.

TEDDY. Hello, Mrs. Arlington. [_Mrs. Ritter swishes down towards the left, shaking her head from side to side and holding her arms akimbo. She turns around to her left, gives Florence a look, supposed to be a very contemptuous look, and stands in the middle of the room again, facing Teddy._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Speaking directly to Teddy_] Is my sweetie in? [_Ritter moves slowly down to the landing of the stairs, watching his wife as though she were some baffling phenomenon._]

TEDDY. No, mam, he ain’t.

MRS. RITTER. [_Drawing her shoulders up, and speaking in a high unnatural key_] What!

TEDDY. He went about six o’clock.

MRS. RITTER. Why, I had an appointment with _him_!

TEDDY. He might be back, maybe.

MRS. RITTER. But, I can’t wait unless I’m _certain_ that he’s coming back.

TEDDY. He was expecting you.

MRS. RITTER. [_Still shaking her head and trying generally to appear bold_] Yes, I know he was. [_Turning to the table at the left, back of which Florence is standing_] I suppose I’d better leave a note for him. [_She indicates the table with a waving gesture of her left hand._]

TEDDY. You’ll find that green one is the best pen.

MRS. RITTER. [_Stepping to the table_] Thanks. [_She looks at Florence, who gives her a withering look over her right shoulder and turns away to the mantelpiece at the left. Then Mrs. Ritter gives her idea of a scornful laugh._] Ha! Ha! Ha!

RITTER. [_Sweeping his hand across his brow, groaning, and falling down the stairs, into the right hallway_] Oh my God!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Seeing him fall, and jumping up_] Oh, my dear! [_Everybody turns._]

TWILLER. [_Trying to catch him_] Hold it! [_Spindler rushes past Mrs. Pampinelli and out the center-door into the right hallway. Teddy jumps into a kneeling position on the right partition-seat and looks over the partition. Florence and Mrs. Fell rush up to the center-door and try to see what’s going on, Nelly dodging from one side of Florence to the other, and peering through her lorgnon._] Are you hurt, old man?

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Handing his cane and gloves to Spindler_] Hold those, please. [_Spindler takes them, and Hossefrosse prepares to assist Twiller to lift Ritter from the floor._]

TWILLER. Get some water, somebody! [_Spindler rushes out the left hallway. Mrs. Pampinelli sweeps up from below the table at the right to the center-door._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Bewildered, in the middle of the room, as Mrs. Pampinelli passes her_] What is it, Betty?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Now, don’t get excited, Paula. [_Mrs. Ritter steps frantically across to the piano and turns, leaning against it, looking wide-eyed at Nelly Fell._]

HOSSEFROSSE. Lift up his head.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Looking eagerly out into the right hallway_] Is he hurt, boys?

TWILLER. I want to get him under the arms. [_They lift Ritter onto a bench in the hallway. Nelly Fell turns away from the center-door with an exclamation of distress._]

HOSSEFROSSE. We’d better lay him right here.

MRS. RITTER. Is it Fred, Nelly?

MRS. FELL. I don’t know, dear.

MRS. PAMPINELLI and MRS. FELL, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Addressing Hossefrosse and Twiller_] You can lay
him right here, boys, I think it’ll be as good as any.

MRS. FELL. What is it, Florence, did Mr. Ritter fall downstairs?

FLORENCE. I think so.

MRS. FELL. [_Covering her eyes and swaying_] Oh, dear child, don’t! [_Florence puts her arm around her and guides her towards the arm-chair at the left._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Give me one of those pillows, Teddy. [_He hands her a pillow from the partition-seat where he’s kneeling._]

MRS. FELL. [_Sinking into the arm-chair at the left_] Betty, I think I’m going to faint!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to her_] Sit down, dear, I’ll get you some water. [_Calling and beckoning out into the left hallway_] Jenny dear! come here, please!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Rushing across from the right to the left hallway_] I think I’d better call Dr. Wentworth. [_He snatches up the telephone and works the hook violently._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, I would. [_She turns around to her left and stands looking questioningly at Mrs. Ritter._] Go on with your lines, Paula.

MRS. RITTER. Well, is he _dead_, Betty?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With a definite little gesture of her right hand_] Never mind! [_The curtain commences to descend, and she sweeps forward._] We will go right on from where Mr. Ritter fell downstairs.

THE CURTAIN IS DOWN

AS IT RISES AGAIN FOR THE PICTURE

HOSSEFROSSE. [_At the telephone_] Landsdowne 8, please,--right away! [_Spindler rushes in from the left hallway carrying a glass of water, and followed immediately by Jenny. Twiller is ministering to Ritter. Mrs. Pampinelli is standing in the middle of the room, facing the center-door, and holding up both her hands, as a signal to the various artists that the rehearsal is about to be resumed; so they quickly step to the various positions in which they respectively were when Mr. Ritter fell._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Addressing Teddy_] Yes, I know he was. I s’pose I’d better leave a note for him.

END OF THE ACT

THE TORCH-BEARERS--ACT II.

NOTE:

The setting for this act consists simply of three wings set in the middle of the stage about four feet from the footlights, and parallel to the footlights, the wing in the middle, a plain one, and the one on either side of it, a door-wing. These doors open toward the footlights, and the one on the right is hinged to the right, and the one on the left, to the left. From these door-wings, regular plain wings oblique off to the back wall; and the whole thing is lashed and stage-screwed after the fashion of regulation stage-setting. As the doors in the back flat open, there can be had a glimpse of footlights, and just beyond them, a neutral drop, in grayish black, to represent an auditorium. Between the back flat and the stage footlights, (as distinguished from the regular footlights) the miniature stage is set to represent the interior of a doctor’s waiting-room. Through the door at the right can be seen a desk and revolving chair, and a couple of plain chairs against the wall; and through the left door, a table, littered with magazines, a cabinet, a revolving bookcase and two more chairs. There is a bright rug on the floor. Between the back flat and the regular footlights, over toward the left, there is a stage-screw sticking right up out of the floor; and between the two doors there is a plain chair with its back against the flat. Over the door on the right, there is a row of six electric bulbs with a cord and button depending from it; and further right, half-way back, there is a wood-wing, set as though it were the exterior backing for a window in the miniature set. Over at the left, away back, fastened about head-high against the back wall, there is a small switchboard-arrangement. Just below this there is an old chair, without a back, with a newspaper lying upon it.

THE TORCH-BEARERS--ACT II.

_A waltz is being played somewhere off at the right. Florence and Mrs. Ritter are standing in the middle of the stage, facing the flats, talking. Florence is wearing a fawn-colored, one-piece coat-dress, buttoned high at the throat, military fashion, and a toque made of wine-colored velvet leaves. She wears fawn-colored slippers and stockings, and carries a fitch muff. Mrs. Ritter is wearing a very rich-looking coat-suit in blue serge, trimmed at the collar and cuffs with white monkey-fur. Her hat is dark-blue felt, quite large, with a bird of paradise set at a decidedly rakish tilt. Her slippers and stockings are black, and she carries an umbrella. Over at the extreme left, and forward, Mrs. Fell is hearing Mr. Twiller read his lines from the manuscript. Mrs. Fell is gowned in a brilliant creation of silver-cloth trimmed with sea-green satin. There are numerous strings of crystal beads hanging in the front from the waist to the bottom of the skirt, and she has a spreading poinsetta in scarlet velvet fastened at her waist. There is a long, fish-tail train to the gown, lined with the green satin, and she has a heavy rope of pearls and sea-green beads around her neck, from which her lorgnon depends. There are diamonds in her hair, diamonds galore upon her arms and hands, and she’s wearing her diamond dog-collar. Her slippers and stockings are of pale green. Mr. Twiller has on a double-breasted blue-serge suit, a black derby, black shoes and fawn-colored spats, and a perfectly villainous-looking black mustache, absurdly large, and obviously artificial. He stands leaning upon a cane, reciting his lines to Mrs. Fell. Mr. Spindler, in a dinner-suit, is trying desperately to unfasten the stage-screw from the floor at the left, while Mr. Hossefrosse, wearing a light business-suit, a light, soft hat, tan shoes and spats, and carrying a cane and gloves, is pacing back and forth between the left door and the extreme left, reciting his lines to himself. He is atrociously made up, with the carmine smeared heavily on his cheek-bones. The stage manager, in a tan jumper and army shirt, dirty white running-pumps, a battered old cap adorned with many tobacco-tags, and carrying a hammer, wanders on from the right and crosses the stage, passing below Florence and Mrs. Ritter, who turn and look at him curiously, and continues on up at the left to the switch-board, where he picks up the newspaper from the broken chair, and, after lighting his pipe, sits down to read. He is apparently disgusted with the world and utterly oblivious of his surroundings. The waltz-music stops, and Mr. Hossefrosse comes to a halt in his pacing, right outside the left door. It is instantly flung open, knocking him toward the left, and disarranging his hat, and Mrs. Pampinelli sweeps out--in a princess-gown of ruby-colored velvet, with a long train, and heavily trimmed about the upper part of the bodice with ornaments of ruby-colored beads. Her shoulders and arms are bare, and she has a small string of rubies about her throat;--a bracelet and several rings of rubies; as well as a high Spanish comb studded with rubies. Her slippers are of black velvet. Mrs. Ritter gives a little cry as Mr. Hossefrosse is struck by the door._

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Holding the door ajar_] Oh, did I hit you, Mr. Hossefrosse! I’m so sorry.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Settling his hat_] That’s all right.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_To the ladies_] The setting looks splendid, girls! [_Crossing quickly below Hossefrosse towards the left_] Will you come here for a moment, Mr. Spindler?

MRS. RITTER. [_Turning away to the right_] I don’t want to see it till I go on.

FLORENCE. [_As Hossefrosse comes towards her_] You’d better keep away from that door, Mr. Hossefrosse. [_She and Mrs. Ritter laugh._]

HOSSEFROSSE and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

HOSSEFROSSE. Yes, I think I had.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Up at the left, addressing the stage manager_] Are
you ready, Mr. Stage Manager? [_He continues to read._]

HOSSEFROSSE and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Brushing his clothes_] I don’t think a whisk-broom’d be
out of place on this stage, either.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to Spindler, who is still occupied with the
stage-screw_] Mr. Spindler, will you come here, please? [_Turning back
to the stage manager_] Mr. Stage Manager! [_Spindler goes towards her,
and Hossefrosse goes through the left door._]

STAGE MANAGER. [_Looking up from his paper, very peevishly_] Yes?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Are you all ready?

STAGE MANAGER and TWILLER, together.

STAGE MANAGER. Yes, sure, I’m all ready. [_He resumes his newspaper._]

TWILLER. [_Turning sharply to Spindler, who has stopped on his way to
Mrs. Pampinelli to call Mrs. Fell’s attention to the stage-screw, and
to warn her to be careful of it_] Oh, go away! Can’t you see we’re
busy.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. [_Stepping briskly to her side_] Yes, mam?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Come here, please. [_Turning to the stage manager_] Mr. Stage Manager--[_He looks up._] This young man will give you the cue for the curtain, in case I am not here.

STAGE MANAGER. All right. [_He resumes his newspaper._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning and coming forward again, holding her skirt up off the floor_] You stand right here, Mr. Spindler, and I’ll give you the signal when I’m ready.

SPINDLER. All right.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Hurrying towards the left door_] Now, is everybody all right?

FLORENCE. Yes.

MRS. RITTER. I think so.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. How are _you_, Paula?

MRS. RITTER. [_Giggling_] All right.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Where’s Mr. Hossefrosse? [_She glances frantically about._]

FLORENCE and MRS. RITTER, together.

FLORENCE. He’s just stepped on the stage.

MRS. RITTER. He was here a minute ago.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Mr. Hossefrosse, where are you! [_She opens the left door._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Calling_] Mr. Hossefrosse! [_He opens the right door and comes out._]

HOSSEFROSSE. Yes?

TEDDY and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

TEDDY. [_Sitting at the desk over at the right, in the miniature set
beyond the flats, to Mrs. Pampinelli, as she comes through the left
door_] There he is.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_To Teddy, as she steps into the miniature set,
through the left door_] Where’s Mr. Hossefrosse?

FLORENCE and MRS. RITTER, together.

FLORENCE. [_To Hossefrosse_] Mrs. Pampinelli’s looking for you.

MRS. RITTER. [_Calling_] Here he is, Mrs. Pampinelli! [_Hossefrosse
steps quickly to the left door and starts in, just as Mrs. Pampinelli
comes out through the right door. Florence steps over to the left door
and catches Hossefrosse by the arm, and pulls him back._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Coming through the right door_] Where _is_ he?

MRS. RITTER. [_Pointing to Hossefrosse_] There he is! [_She laughs._]

FLORENCE. [_Drawing Hossefrosse back_] Mrs. Pampinelli wants you!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_To Mrs. Pampinelli_] I beg your pardon.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Oh, Mr. Hossefrosse!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Crossing to the right towards her_] Yes?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Are you all right?

HOSSEFROSSE. I think so, yes.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. How is your make-up?

HOSSEFROSSE. All right, I think.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Indicating the right door_] Would you stand here for a moment under this light until I see it?

HOSSEFROSSE. Certainly. [_He goes to the right door and stands with his back against it. The light from the row of electric bulbs over the door shines down on his face. Mrs. Pampinelli stands off to his right, surveying his make-up critically._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Very good.

HOSSEFROSSE. Not too much red?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No, I shouldn’t say so.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Indicating his right cheek_] Up here, I mean.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. No, I think the contour of your face requires it. It heightens the expression. [_She starts across towards the left._] It’s very good. [_Hossefrosse comes over and chats with the ladies about his make-up._] Mr. Twiller! [_Twiller turns from Mrs. Fell._]

TWILLER. Yes? [_Turning back to Mrs. Fell_] Excuse me, Nelly.

MRS. FELL. Certainly.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. How is your mustache?

TWILLER. [_Touching it gingerly_] All right, I think.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Is it quite secure?

TWILLER. I think so. [_Mrs. Ritter, Florence and Hossefrosse turn and look._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Stepping back a step from him and looking at the mustache, with her head tilted a bit to the left side_] You’ve made it a little smaller, haven’t you?

TWILLER. [_Touching the left side of his mustache_] I cut it down a bit on this side.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. I thought you had.

TWILLER. I was a little conscious of it.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Well,--I don’t know but that it’s better for the characterization.

TWILLER. And how are my eyes? [_He turns and looks out and away off, widening his eyes as though he were having his picture taken._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_After looking keenly at his eyes for a second_] Very effective. [_She turns quickly away towards the right, and Twiller turns back to his left to Mrs. Fell._] Now, is everybody ready? [_They all smile and nod._] Your gloves and cane, Mr. Hossefrosse?

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Crossing above Florence and Mrs. Ritter towards Mrs. Pampinelli, extending his cane and gloves_] Yes.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning towards Mrs. Fell_] Places, Nelly! Get ready, Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. I’m all ready. [_Mrs. Fell closes the manuscript, excuses herself to Twiller, and crosses, above him, towards the right. He goes back at the left and says something to Spindler, then comes forward again._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Calling through the left door_] Are you all right, Teddy?

TEDDY. [_Beyond the flats, over at the right_] All right. [_As Mrs. Fell passes above Florence and Mrs. Ritter, on her way over to the right, she whispers something to them which causes a general laugh:--then she continues on over to the door at the right and takes up her official position, as promptress._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning and addressing them generally_] Now, is everybody all right? [_They all nod._] You both all right, girls? [_Mrs. Ritter nods._]

FLORENCE. All right.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning around to the left to Mr. Spindler, and with an authoritative gesture_] All right, then--take up the curtain!

SPINDLER. [_Waving his hand to the stage manager_] All right, Stage Manager!

STAGE MANAGER. [_Getting up, very reluctantly_] Are you ready?

MRS. PAMPINELLI and SPINDLER, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, all ready.

SPINDLER. Let her go!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_With a kind of ceremonious flourish of the hand_] Take up the curtain! [_The stage manager tosses his newspaper onto the chair and steps out of sight, to the left. There is an anxious pause. Then Mrs. Pampinelli starts violently and grabs the knob of the left door._] Oh, wait one moment! [_Spindler rushes back at the left, whistling._]

FLORENCE, MRS. RITTER, TWILLER and HOSSEFROSSE, together, [_as Mrs. Pampinelli pulls open the left door._]

FLORENCE. Wait a minute!

MRS. RITTER. Oh, wait!

TWILLER. Hold it!

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Grabbing the door and holding it open_] Not yet!

MRS. RITTER. [_Calling to the stage manager_] Just a minute!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Going in through the left door_] One moment, please! [_She vanishes to the right, and there is a slight pause, during which the curtain, which had been raised four feet, can be seen through the door to descend again. They all exchange looks of distress and amused annoyance. Then Mrs. Pampinelli hurries out through the door again._] All right!

SPINDLER. [_Who has come forward at the left_] Is it all right? [_Hossefrosse releases the door and it closes._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, it’s all right. [_Spindler goes towards the back at the left and she follows him half-way._]

SPINDLER. All right, Mr. Stage Manager!

STAGE MANAGER. [_Off at the left_] Are you ready?

MRS. PAMPINELLI and SPINDLER, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, all ready, Mr. Stage Manager!

SPINDLER. Let her go!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning and coming forward at the left_] Take it up! [_She stands just to the left of the left door, peering through the flats. Spindler is farther back at the left, peering, also; and Mrs. Fell is over at the right door, peering. There is a pause. Mr. Hossefrosse takes up his position outside the left door, preparatory to making his entrance. He settles his clothes generally, and clears his throat._] The curtain is going up, Mr. Hossefrosse, go on.

HOSSEFROSSE. Is it up?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Yes, yes, go on! [_He opens the door, rather magnificently, and swings in. There is a ripple of applause, and the door closes after him; and they all try to find a crevice between the flats that will afford a glimpse of the stage beyond. The stage manager appears from the left carrying a regulation door-slam, which he brings forward and drops, with a bang, just to the left of the left door. They all turn and look at him, in resentful astonishment, but he simply gives them a look of infinite disdain and returns to his chair at the back to read._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Beyond the flats_] Anybody here, David?

TEDDY. [_Beyond the flats, over toward the right_] No, sir.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Beyond the flats, moving towards the right_] No telephones?

TEDDY. No, sir.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Coming through the right door, without his hat_] Nothing at all, eh? [_Mrs. Ritter is standing right in front of the door._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Get away from the door, Paula! [_Paula jumps to the left. Mrs. Fell takes advantage of the crevice caused by the door being open, to try to see the audience._]

TEDDY. [_Who can be seen through the open door standing at the desk_] No, sir.

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Leaning over and laying his cane and gloves on the chair between the doors_] All right, sir. [_The door begins to swing to behind him._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Keep that door open, Mr. Hossefrosse! [_Spindler comes forward at the left to see what’s the matter. Hossefrosse thrusts his foot back and kicks the door open._]

HOSSEFROSSE. And I think that will do very nicely for this day. [_The door begins slowly to swing to again._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. There it goes again, Mr. Hossefrosse!

HOSSEFROSSE. It won’t _stay_ open! [_Mrs. Fell looks around the door._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Take hold of that door, Nelly! [_Nelly puts one foot around it, and stands looking at her manuscript. Spindler goes back at the left and looks through the wings again, at the stage._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_In a frantic whisper_] Telephone!

MRS. FELL. Telephone, somebody!

HOSSEFROSSE. Good Lord!

FLORENCE. Mr. Spindler, telephone! [_Spindler rushes forward at the left._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Where is he?

SPINDLER. What?

FLORENCE. The telephone-bell!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Where’s your bell?

SPINDLER. [_Pulling the battery-arrangement out of his pocket_] Has the cue been given?

TEDDY. [_Picking up the telephone on the desk beyond the flats_] Hello?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Ring it! Of course it’s been given! [_He rings the bell, and Hossefrosse steps through the right door and watches Teddy anxiously._]

SPINDLER. I didn’t hear it!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Annihilating him with a look, and starting over towards the right door_] Well, why aren’t you over here when your cue’s given and then you would hear it! [_Spindler trails over after her._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Over his shoulder, to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Shush!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning sharply back towards the left, and directly to Spindler, who is right behind her_] Shush! [_She passes below him and continues towards the left._] Keep away from that door, they’ll see you! [_In attempting to keep out of the way of the door, Spindler turns sharply and trips over the screw of a stage-brace, falling his length across the open door. Mrs. Ritter gives a little scream, and Mrs. Pampinelli whirls round and glares at him. He scrambles to his feet, and Mrs. Ritter giggles and pulls him to the left, away from the door._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Standing in the open door, addressing Teddy_] Mrs. A.? [_Teddy nods, and Hossefrosse pretends to pick up an imaginary telephone from a desk just to the left of the right door._] Yes? All right. [_He pretends to hang up and set the telephone down on the desk again._] You can clear out of here now, David, any time you like,--Mrs. Arlington is on her way up.

TEDDY. [_Rising, and settling the various papers on the desk_] All right.

MRS. RITTER. [_Helping Mr. Spindler to brush off his clothes_] Did you hurt yourself, Mr. Spindler? [_Mrs. Pampinelli tries to attract Spindler’s attention to the door-slam._]

SPINDLER. No. [_He hurries over to the door-slam at the left and picks it up._]

HOSSEFROSSE. I’ll let you off early Monday. [_Florence stands anxiously outside the left door._]

TEDDY. Oh, that’s all right.

HOSSEFROSSE. And don’t forget to leave that list with the Robinson people on your way down Monday.

TEDDY. No, sir, I won’t; I have it right here in me pocket. [_Florence puts her lips against the left door and coughs hard. Then she shuffles her feet; so does Spindler. Hossefrosse steps through the right door and looks over toward the left door._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Addressing Teddy, in a subdued tone_] Is that someone coming?

TEDDY. [_Looking toward the left door_] I think so. [_There is a slight pause, then Mrs. Pampinelli makes a decisive movement to Spindler and he brings the door-slam down with a thunderous bang. Mrs. Pampinelli starts violently._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. That’s too loud, Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. There’s too much wood in it! [_He starts across to the right._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Stepping down to Teddy’s desk and picking up his hat_] That can’t be Mrs. Arlington already. I won’t see anyone else. [_He starts back towards the door._] Tell them I’ve gone; and don’t let anybody wait. [_He takes hold of the door as he steps through._] Say you’re just locking up the office. [_He comes through the door and tries to close it, but Nelly’s foot is still around it, and she is lost in the manuscript. He pulls at the door, but she is oblivious._]

MRS. RITTER. Nelly! [_Spindler gives a little whistle to attract her attention._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Let go of the door, Nelly!

MRS. FELL. [_Jumping out of the way, to the right_] Oh, I beg your pardon! [_Hossefrosse scowls at her and closes the door. Spindler jumps to the door and turns a key, which he has in his hand, in the lock, then touches the button at the end of the cord, extinguishing the row of lights over the door, then rushes back towards the left door. Mrs. Ritter is right in his way as he rushes back, and they dodge each other twice before Mr. Spindler can get past. When he reaches the left door, he raps violently, Mrs. Pampinelli directing his activities with little nervous gestures. There is a pause: then the left door is opened by Teddy. Mrs. Ritter is right in front of it._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Standing to the left of the door_] Get out of the way, Paula! [_Mrs. Ritter jumps out of the way, to the right, then looks back at Mrs. Pampinelli and giggles, but Mrs. Pampinelli puts her finger on her lips._]

FLORENCE. [_Passing through the left door_] Good evening, son.

TEDDY. [_Reaching out and closing the door_] Good evening. [_There is prolonged applause from beyond the flats, and everybody, having seen Florence safely through the door, rushes to his favorite crevice between the wings, or rip in the scenery, to see how she is being received by the audience._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Isn’t the Doctor in?

TEDDY. No, mam, he ain’t; he went about six o’clock.

FLORENCE. That’s unfortunate, I wanted to see him. [_Hossefrosse turns away from the right door, where he’s been peeking, and mops his brow: then he turns and puts his hat down on the chair._]

SPINDLER. [_Stepping towards him from the left door_] How do you feel?

HOSSEFROSSE. All right; but that door and that telephone got me kind of rattled.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Looking over from the extreme left of the back flat, where she has been peeking_] Shush, boys! [_Hossefrosse turns away and tiptoes towards the right, and the others resume their peeking._]

MRS. FELL. [_Turning to Hossefrosse, as he passes below her_] What’s the matter, Huxley, did something go wrong? [_Mrs. Pampinelli looks over again to see who’s talking._]

HOSSEFROSSE. [_Indicating the right door_] That door kind of got me rattled for a minute.

MRS. FELL. I don’t think the audience noticed it.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Shush! [_Nelly consults her manuscript, listening at the same time to the dialogue beyond the flats, and Mr. Hossefrosse continues to the extreme right and forward, trying to make the squeak of his new shoes as inaudible as possible. Mrs. Pampinelli puts her ear to the flat and listens keenly._]

TEDDY. [_Faintly, beyond the flats_] Why, he always asts me to wait whenever he’s expectin’ his wife downtown. [_Spindler suddenly turns from the wing where he has been peeking, and, breaking into quite a jaunty little whistle, starts across towards the left; but Mrs. Pampinelli turns abruptly and glares him into silence. He clasps his hand over his mouth and apologizes with an obsequious little gesture._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] I see. And he was expecting her this evening?

TEDDY. Yes, mam.

FLORENCE. Do you know her? [_Spindler trips and almost falls over the stage-screw in the floor at the left. Twiller, who has been standing down at the extreme left, makes an impatient move and goes up towards the back._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Oh, Mr. Spindler, for Pity’s sake do keep still for one moment!

SPINDLER. [_Squatting down and attempting to remove the screw_] We’d better get this thing out of here, before somebody gets hurt.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Now, don’t take that out of there, Mr. Spindler! You might loosen the scenery.

SPINDLER. This isn’t connected with the scenery.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. You don’t know whether it is or not! Leave it where it is.

SPINDLER. [_Getting up and moving over towards the right_] Somebody’s going to get their neck broken, the first thing you know.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Very well, then, that will be their misfortune! We’ve simply got to be careful, that’s all. Get ready, Paula. [_Mrs. Ritter giggles and takes up her position outside the left door._]

MRS. FELL. [_As Spindler comes towards her_] What’s the matter, Mr. Spindler?

SPINDLER. [_In quite a temper, and indicating the stage-screw over at the left_] Why, that thing there is sticking right up in the middle of the floor, and the first thing you--

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Shush!--[_He turns and scowls at her, and she glares at him. He passes below Mrs. Fell and over to Hossefrosse, at the extreme right and forward, where he whispers his grievance._]

MRS. FELL. You all right, Paula? [_Paula nods yes._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Don’t be nervous, now, Paula. [_Twiller comes forward at the left._]

MRS. RITTER. I’m not the least bit, dear, really.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Well, that’s splendid, dear. I’ll open the door for you. [_She takes hold of the knob of the left door._]

MRS. RITTER. All right, thank you. [_They stand listening, keenly._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Do you mind if I wait a few minutes, in case he comes?

TEDDY. [_Beyond the flats_] Why, I was just going home.

FLORENCE. Oh, were you? [_Twiller lifts his hat and gives it a little wave at Mrs. Ritter, and she waves her hand back at him._]

TEDDY. Yes, mam; and I have to lock up the office before I go.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Suddenly_] There it is now, dear. [_She opens the door, and Mrs. Ritter steps back a bit, in order to make a more effective entrance._] Good luck, darling.

MRS. RITTER. [_Turning to her_] Thank you, dear. [_She steps through the door, tripping awkwardly over the door-strip. Mrs. Pampinelli makes a gesture of extreme annoyance. There is an outburst of applause; then Mrs. Pampinelli closes the door, and they all step to the flats and peek through, Mrs. Pampinelli at the left door, Mrs. Fell at the right, Mr. Spindler between them, and Hossefrosse and Twiller about half-way back at the right and left, respectively. There is a pause; and then Mrs. Ritter can be heard beyond the flats._] Hello, kid!

TEDDY. Hello, Mrs. Arlington.

MRS. RITTER. Is my sweetie in?

TEDDY. No, mam, he ain’t.

MRS. RITTER. [_With an unnatural inflection_] What!

MRS. FELL. [_Calling over in a whisper to Mrs. Pampinelli_] Betty! [_Mrs. Pampinelli doesn’t hear her, so she tiptoes over towards her._] Betty!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What?

MRS. FELL. Did Paula trip?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Coming away from the flat, and moving down to Mrs. Fell_] Yes. [_Mrs. Fell gives an annoyed shake of her head._] But I don’t see how anyone can get onto _that_ stage _without_ tripping.

MRS. FELL. I don’t either.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. It seems an utter impossibility to me for anyone, especially a woman, to get through those doors without catching her heel or her skirt or something. [_Spindler crosses to the left, back of the ladies, and speaks to Twiller._]

MRS. FELL. [_Returning to the right door_] It’s dreadful!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to her left and going back again to the left door_] I don’t see the necessity of it.

MRS. FELL. [_Opening her manuscript_] I don’t either.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Listening keenly_] I’m afraid they’re not hearing Paula at all.

MRS. FELL. What?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. I say, I’m afraid Paula isn’t loud enough.

MRS. FELL. Well, why don’t you speak to her, Betty, she’s sitting right here. [_She indicates the point right inside the right door, and Mrs. Pampinelli, picking up her skirt, hurries over. Mrs. Fell steps out of the way, to the right._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Putting her lips to the joining of the door-wing and the side wing_] Speak a little louder, Paula! I’m afraid they’re not hearing you!

MRS. FELL. Can she hear you?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. A little louder, dear! [_The right door is thrust open by Teddy._]

TEDDY. [_In a frantic whisper_] There’s no pen and ink on the desk! [_Spindler rushes over from the left._]

SPINDLER. What? [_Mrs. Pampinelli, Mrs. Fell and Mr. Hossefrosse rush round to him from the right._]

TEDDY. No pen and ink!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What is it, Teddy?

TEDDY and SPINDLER, together.

TEDDY. No pen and ink on the desk!

SPINDLER. No pen and ink!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. My God!

MRS. FELL. Tell her to use a lead-pencil!

TEDDY and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

TEDDY.--[_To Mrs. Fell_] There’s none on there!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Give him a lead-pencil, Mr. Spindler!

SPINDLER. [_Whirling and springing towards the left_] Haven’t got one! [_Teddy, Mrs. Pampinelli and Mrs. Fell rush after him._]

SPINDLER and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

SPINDLER. Twiller!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Oh, dear, dear!

TWILLER. [_Rushing towards them from the left_] What’s the matter?

SPINDLER and TEDDY, together.

SPINDLER. Got a lead-pencil?

TEDDY. Give him a lead-pencil, Ralph!

TWILLER. [_Dropping his cane_] No! [_They fling him out of the way, to the left, and rush on back to the stage manager._] What are you trying to do, knock me off my feet!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Haven’t you got one, Mr. Twiller?

SPINDLER and MRS. FELL, together.

SPINDLER. [_To the stage manager_] Got a lead-pencil, old man?

MRS. FELL. [_At Mrs. Pampinelli’s heels_] There’s one in my bag
somewhere!

MRS. PAMPINELLI, SPINDLER and TEDDY, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to Mrs. Fell_] See what they’re doing out
there, Nelly!

SPINDLER. [_To the stage manager_] Or a fountain-pen!

TEDDY. [_To the stage manager_] They need it on the stage!

MRS. FELL and STAGE MANAGER, together.

MRS. FELL. [_Turning and rushing back towards the right door_]
Certainly, darling!

STAGE MANAGER. [_Feeling in his shirt-pockets_] Well, now, wait a
minute, wait a minute!

MRS. FELL. [_Turning with a despairing gesture, after having opened the right door and looked in_] My dear, they’re not doing a thing, they’re just sitting there!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Turning to the left_] Hurry, boys! [_Turning to the right_] Tell them to say something, Nelly! Anything at all! Something about the weather! [_Nelly runs to the extreme right end of the flat. Teddy and Spindler come rushing forward at the left._] Did you get it, Teddy?

TEDDY and SPINDLER, together.

TEDDY. Yes!

SPINDLER. Yes, he’s got it!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Indicating the left door_] Go on here, Teddy! [_He grabs the knob of the door, but it won’t open._]

MRS. FELL. [_Calling through the flats_] Say something, Paula!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. You should never leave the stage during a scene, Teddy!

TEDDY and MRS. FELL, together.

TEDDY. [_Wrestling with the door_] Damn these doors!

MRS. FELL. [_Calling through the flats_] Something about the weather!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Take hold of this, Mr. Spindler! [_He grabs the knob of the door and Teddy runs across to the right door._]

TEDDY. I’ll go on here!

MRS. FELL. [_As Teddy goes through the right door_] If you can’t use one door, use the other! [_The door closes after him; and Mrs. Pampinelli turns and looks upon Spindler, who is still trying to get the left door open._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. You know, this is _all your fault_, Mr. Spindler. [_He doesn’t look up._] You said you’d attend to all those properties!

MRS. FELL. What’s the matter with the door, Betty?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_To Spindler_] Never mind it now. [_She moves towards the center of the stage._]

SPINDLER. We’d better get it open before somebody has to use it again.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Go away from it, I tell you! [_He walks away towards the left, sulking._] It will probably open all right from the other side. [_She comes forward slowly, touching her hair and relaxing generally, then, suddenly, stands stock-still, and listens, wide-eyed. She looks quickly at Mrs. Fell, who is carefully settling her necklace, at the right door._] What’s wrong out there, Nelly? [_Nelly turns and looks through the flats, then turns quickly to Mrs. Pampinelli._]

MRS. FELL. I think he’s up!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Frozen to the spot_] Who? [_Nelly looks again, and then back to Mrs. Pampinelli._]

MRS. FELL. All of them!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Picking up her skirt and rushing towards the right door_] Let me see! [_Nelly jumps out of the way, to the right, and Twiller and Spindler rush to the left door and peek through. Mrs. Pampinelli peeks through, and then speaks through the flats._] What’s the matter, Teddy? Go over and get your hat and coat! [_Turning frantically to Mrs. Fell_] He’s up in his lines! What is it?

MRS. FELL. [_In a panic_] Up in his lines!

MRS. PAMPINELLI and MRS. FELL, together.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Speaking through the flats_] Go over and get your
hat and coat, Teddy! Don’t stand there like a jack!

MRS. FELL. [_Handing the manuscript to Hossefrosse, who is at her
right_] Oh, find that for me, will you, Huxley! [_He takes the
manuscript from her and turns it over furiously, while Nelly opens
her lorgnon._] About page eleven, I think it is! [_She assists him in
finding the place._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What was the last line, Nelly? This is dreadful!

MRS. FELL. Now, wait a moment, darling! Don’t get me nervous, or I’ll _never_ be able to find it! [_Twiller and Spindler are in a panic of suspense over at the left door._]

HOSSEFROSSE. Here’s page eleven.

MRS. FELL. Is that eleven? Well, now, here it is, right here-- Why, a-- I’ll get you an envelope!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. What’s the next?

MRS. FELL. The next is--a--why a--I’ve got to go now--

MRS. FELL and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

MRS. FELL. It takes me nearly an hour to get home!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Calling through the flats_] I’ve got to go now!

TEDDY and MRS. PAMPINELLI, together.

TEDDY. [_Beyond the flats_] I’ve got to go now!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Calling through the flats_] It takes me nearly an
hour to get home.

TEDDY. It takes me an hour to get home!

MRS. FELL. Are they all right?

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Coming away from the flats_] Yes, they’re all right now. But you’d better stand right here, I’m afraid of Paula. [_She moves towards the left._]

SPINDLER. [_Coming towards her_] You know, I could have _sworn_ I put a pen and ink on that desk!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Imperiously_] Please, Mr. Spindler, don’t explain anything! I am interested in results. [_She turns and moves back again towards the right, and Spindler goes over to the left. Just as he passes beyond the left door, the entire lock and knob fall to the floor. He turns nervously, only to find Mrs. Pampinelli, who has turned quite as nervously, looking at him dangerously._]

SPINDLER. I didn’t _touch_ it!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Will you go away, before you ruin the entire performance! [_He snaps around and goes over to the left and up towards the back._]

TEDDY. [_Opening the left door and swaying through_] Good night. [_He is dressed in a brown sack-suit and wears tan shoes._]

FLORENCE. [_Beyond the flats_] Good night, son.

MRS. RITTER. [_Beyond the flats_] Good night, kid.

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Going towards him_] You should _never_ walk off the stage, Teddy, in the middle of a scene! [_He closes the door behind him, and, pressing his hand to his brow, starts towards the left._] Do something, no matter what it is! [_He falls backward in a full-length faint. She catches him._] Oh, dear child! Mr. Spindler! Come here, Mr. Twiller, Teddy’s fainted! [_Twiller, who has been standing over at the left, and forward, rushes towards her; and Mrs. Fell, followed by Hossefrosse, comes rushing from the right._]

MRS. FELL. [_In a panic_] What’s the matter, Betty!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Take Teddy over to the door, Mr. Twiller, he’s fainted!

TWILLER. [_Dropping his cane, in his excitement_] I _can’t_ take him now, I’ve got a cue coming right here in a minute! [_Spindler comes rushing down from the left._]

MRS. PAMPINELLI. Here, Mr. Spindler, take Teddy over to the door, where he’ll get some air! He’s sick. Look at the color of him. [_She hands him to Spindler, who half carries him up at the left; and she and Twiller follow on behind them._] Hold on to him, now, Mr. Spindler.

MRS. FELL. [_Turning back towards the right door, and addressing Hossefrosse, who has returned to his former position down at the right_] I always said he wasn’t strong enough for that part! [_She just gets past the right door when it is frantically opened and Mrs. Ritter thrusts her head out._]

MRS. RITTER. [_Breathlessly_] Mr. Twiller! [_The door closes again._]

MRS. FELL. [_Running towards the left_] Mr. Twiller! They’re waiting for you!

MRS. PAMPINELLI. [_Rushing forward at the left_] What is it?

MRS. FELL. [_In a perfect frenzy_] They’re waiting for Mr. Twiller!