Chapter II: Part 2

[_Pleased._] Thank ye--thank ye. [_To himself._] I begin to like helping Carrie with the pupils. [_Peggy enters. She is quaintly but untidily dressed in poor, much worn, and old-fashioned finery. In her hand she carries a pair of soiled, long white gloves._] Hallo! [_Without speaking a word, Peggy hurries across the room and goes out._] What is the matter with that vexing girl now? [_Peggy re-enters with Tyler, pushing him forward._]

TYLER.

[_Announcing._] Miss Margaret Hesslerigge. [_Peggy advances to Queckett, holding out her hand._]

PEGGY.

How do you do?

QUECKETT.

[_Savagely._] How d'ye do--delighted to see you--for goodness' sake, sit down! [_He turns away to the fire. The three girls rise to greet Peggy._]

Dinah.

[_Anxiously.'_] I don't think it's nearly half-past nine yet.

PEGGY.

[_Rather proudly, produces a huge, old-fashioned watch._] Twenty to ten.

DINAH.

I thought it was. [_Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude run to one window, pull aside the blind, and look out. Peggy goes to the other window, pulls up the blind and opens the window._]

QUECKETT.

What are you doing?

PEGGY.

I can just see him, under his lamp-post.

DINAH.

The fog will hurt him.

PEGGY.

Hush! I told him we'd whistle twice.

DINAH.

Do it!

PEGGY.

[_Peggy makes two or three ineffectual attempts to whistle._] Girls, it's ominous--my whistle has left me. [_ To Queckett, taking his arm._] Come and whistle!

QUECKETT.

No--no.

PEGGY.

[_Leading Queckett to the open window._] Whistle, or you'll catch cold. [_Queckett whistles twice, desperately, then returns to the fireplace, annoyed._] He's heard it. [_She closes the window and pulls down the blind._] Now, listen. [_To Gwendoline and Ermyntrude._] You two girls count five.

GWENDOLINE.

One.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Two.

DINAH.

Oh, how slowly you count!

GWENDOLINE.

Three.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Four.

DINAH.

[_Clasping her hands._] Five! [_There is a distant ring at the bell; with a little cry Dinah runs out. Peggy begins to put her gloves on. Ermyntrude and Gwendoline go to the door, open it, and listen._] [_To Queckett._] Thank you for whistling. I shall never make a "Whistling woman," shall I?

QUECKETT.

A wide knowledge of humanity, in its highest and lowest grades, Miss Hesslerigge, does not enable me even to conjecture the possibilities of your future.

PEGGY.

No compliments, please. Thank you. [_She holds out her gloved hand for him to button the glove. After a look of astonishment he complies._] You know my idea about my future, don't you?

QUECKETT.

No.

PEGGY.

That I only need one essential to become a Duchess.

QUECKETT.

What is that?

PEGGY.

A Duke.

GWENDOLINE.

They're coming upstairs!

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] Now you'll see Mr. Paulover. Oh, I do hope he'll take to you!

QUECKETT.

Well, really, I'm--[_He walks angrily away as Dinah enters with Reginald Paulover, a good-looking lad, rather sheepish when in repose, but fiery and demonstrative when out of temper. He is in evening dress, overcoat, and muffler, and wears a respirator, which he removes on entering._]

DINAH.

[_Introducing the three girls._] Reggie, these are my three dear friends--Miss Hawkins--Miss Johnson--

REGINALD.

[_Bowing._] Awfully pleased to meet you.

DINAH.

And Miss Hesslerigge.

[_Peggy advances and shakes hands with Reginald._]

REGINALD.

Thank you very much for being so kind to--my wife.

ERMENTRUDE.

[_To Gwendoline, disappointed._] No whiskers or moustache! Oh!

PEGGY.

[_To Reginald._] Had you been waiting long?

REGINALD.

Ten minutes. I was jolly glad to hear my wife's dear little whistle. I should know it from a thousand.

PEGGY.

H'm! Dinah dear, make Mr. Paulover and Mr. Queckett known to each other. [_Queckett comes forward with a disagreeable look. Reginald glares at him._]

DINAH.

[_Timidly._] Reggie dear, this is Mr. Queckett. [_Queckett bows stiffly. Reginald nods angrily._]

REGINALD.

[_To Dinah._] Dinah, what is a man doing here? You know I can't bear you to talk to a man.

DINAH.

Oh, Reggie, why are you always so jealous?

PEGGY.

Mr. Queckett is giving the party.

REGINALD.

What party?

PEGGY.

Your wedding party.

REGINALD.

Is he! [_To Queckett, angrily._] I'm much obliged to Mr. Queckett.

PEGGY.

[_Pacifying Reginald._] Mr. Queckett is so nice--he calls himself Dinah's uncle.

REGINALD.

Does he! Then it's a liberty--that's all I can say.

QUECKETT.

Do you know you're in my house, sir?

REGINALD.

I'm not in your house, sir! Come away, Dinah!

PEGGY.

Hush! Mr. Queckett is Miss Dyott's--

QUECKETT.

Be quiet--mind your own buiness.

REGINALD.

[_To Queckett._] At any rate it's my business sir.

QUECKETT.

I'm afraid you're a cub, sir.

REGINALD.

What!

DINAH.

Oh, Reggie, don't! [_A loud knock and ring are heard._]

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] Your friend.

REGINALD.

Whose friend?

QUECKETT.

My friend.

REGINALD.

Another man, I suppose--Dinah!

PEGGY.

Ladies, do explain everything to Mr. Paulover. [_Dinah seizes Reginald's arm. Gwendoline and Ermyntrude gather round them, Reginald protesting._]

REGINALD.

[_Handing his card as he passes Queckett._] My card, sir.

QUECKETT.

Pooh, sir! [_Throwing the card in the fire. The three girls hurry Reginald out of the room._]

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] I'm so sorry--he hasn't taken to you.

QUECKETT.

He needn't trouble himself! Upon my soul, this is going to be a nice party!

TYLER.

[_Tyler enters._]

Three gentlemen, sir: I was to say the name of Mallory.

QUECKETT.

Three gentlemen!

PEGGY.

[_Delighted, to Queckett._] Oh, he's brought some good fellows! [_Reckoning on her fingers,_] That's one for Ermyntrude--and one for me--and one for--

QUECKETT.

[_To Peggy._] Be quiet. [_To Tyler._] I'll come down.

MALLORY.

[_Outside._] Queckett!

QUECKETT.

Yes, Jack! [_Jack Mallory enters. He is a good-looking, jovial fellow of about thirty-six, with a bronzed face. He is in evening dress and overcoat. Tyler goes out._]

MALLORY.

[_Shaking hands heartily with Queckett._] Ah, Queckett--dear old chap--well, I am glad to see you.

QUECKETT.

How are you, Jack?

MALLORY.

Quaint diggings you have up here. The hanging committee have shied you, though, haven't they? [_Seeing Peggy._] I beg your pardon.

QUECKETT.

[_Confused._] Oh--ah--yes. I didn't mention it. I have my--my--nieces spending Christmas with me.

MALLORY.

[_Bowing to Peggy._] Delighted. [_To Queckett._] Did you say niece or nieces?

QUECKETT.

Nieces. [_Softly to Peggy, quickly._] How many? I forget.

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] Three.

QUECKETT.

Three.

PEGGY.

Three, not counting me.

QUECKETT.

Three, not counting me. I mean three, not counting that vexing girl--Peggy--Margaret.

MALLORY.

[_Bowing._] It would be impossible not to count Miss--Margaret.

PEGGY.

[_Simpering._] Oh! [_Queckett assists Mallory to take off his overcoat, first darting an angry look at Peggy._]

PEGGY.

[_To herself._] I shall give Gwendoline and Ermyntrude the two that are downstairs.

QUECKETT.

H'm! You're not alone, are you, Jack? Mallory. No--they're coming up.

QUECKETT.

[_ Grimly._] Are they?

MALLORY.

The old gentleman takes his time with the stairs.

QUECKETT.

[_ With forced ease._] Poor old gentleman! Who the deuce--!

MALLORY.

The fact is, there's been a big Navy dinner tonight at the Whitehall Rooms. The enthusiasm became rather forced--Britannia rules the waves, and all that sort of thing--so I gladly thought of finishing up with you. I've brought my nephew--hallo, here he is. [_Mr. Saunders enters. He is a pretty boy, almost a child, in the uniform of a naval cadet._] My nephew--Horatio Nelson Drake Saunders, of the Training Ship "Dexterous."

SAUNDERS.

[_ With the airs of a little man, but in a treble voice._] How do you do? Awfully pleased to come here.

QUECKETT.

Glad to see you, Mr. Saunders.

MALLORY.

[_Laughing, to Saunders._] I say, you shouldn't have left the old gentleman.

SAUNDERS.

[_Laughing._] He sent me up to count how many more stairs there were.

QUECKETT.

[_Impatiently._] Jack, I don't put the question on theological grounds, but who is the old gentleman?

MALLORY.

Oh, I beg your pardon--and his. We persuaded an old acquaintance of yours to join us--Admiral Rankling.

QUECKETT.

[_Aghast._] What!

MALLORY.

Do you mind?

QUECKETT.

Mind!

RANKLING.

[_Outside.'_] Mr. Saunders!

SAUNDERS.

Here, sir.

[_Peggy makes a bolt out of the room. Saunders goes to the door, and returns with Rankling. Rankling is in evening dress, overcoat, and muffler, and is much out if breath._]

RANKLING.

Ah, Mr. Queckett, how do you do? We haven't met anywhere lately; I've been away, you know.

QUECKETT.

I am delighted to renew our acquaintance, Admiral Rankling.

RANKLING.

[_Puffing._] Mr. Mallory suggested that we should smoke our last cigar at your lodgings. I can't stay, for I've a long distance to drive home. At least, I suppose I have, for I really don't know quite where we are. What quarter of London have you brought me to, Mr. Mallory? Oh, thank ye! [_He turns to Saunders, who is offering to remove his overcoat. The door is slightly opened, and the heads of all the girls are seen. _]

QUECKETT.

[_Hastily to Mallory._] He doesn't know where he is!

MALLORY.

The fog's as thick as a board outside.

QUECKETT.

He isn't aware he lives a hundred and fifty yards off!

MALLORY.

No--does he?

QUECKETT.

Hush, don't tell him! Jack, don't tell him! I'll explain why by-and-by.

[_Queckett turns to assist Saunders who, mounted on a chair, is struggling ineffectually to relieve Rankling of his overcoat._]

RANKLING.

Thank ye--bits o' boys, bits o' boys.

MALLORY.

[_To himself._] There's a wild look about poor Queckett I don't like. It's his lonely bachelor life, I suppose. Curious place too--he used to be such a swell in the Albany. [_Looking about him. The door shuts and the heads disappear._]

RANKLING.

[_To Queckett._] Thank ye--thank ye. [_Panting._] Ouf! [_Rankling sits down, and Mallory talks to him. Saunders has seated himself on the sofa and is dozing off, quite tired out. _]

QUECKETT.

Oh, what a party! [_ The door opens, and Peggy's head appears._]

PEGGY.

[_Hurriedly to Queckett._] Who'd have thought of this?

QUECKETT.

It might be worse--he doesn't recognise the house he is in.

PEGGY.

Doesn't he?

QUECKETT.

Get rid of his daughter and that horrid Paulover.

PEGGY.

Certainly not; I know he won't recognise his daughter.

QUECKETT.

Won't recognise his own dau--you'll drive me mad! [_They continue to talk in undertones. Saunders is now fast asleep._]

RANKLING.

[_To Mallory._] No--I don't like the look of poor Queckett.

MALLORY.

He seems altered.

RANKLING.

Altered--he glares like the devil. He's not married, is he?

MALLORY.

No.

RANKLING.

Then, what does he mean by it? Queer rooms too. [_Catching sight of the wedding-cake on the table._] Lord, look there!

MALLORY.

[_Looking at the cake._] Hallo!

RANKLING.

Why, it's like the thing we had at my wedding breakfast. Phew! I shall go.

MALLORY.

No, no! The fact is poor old Queckett has some nieces staying with him.

RANKLING.

Nieces?

MALLORY.

Four of 'em. I've seen one, and I fancy by the look of her mischievous little face, that they're too much for him.

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett._] Leave everything to me. Don't spoil the party, Uncle.

QUECKETT.

Dash the party! [_Peggy retiring hastily, the door bangs, at which Rankling and Mallory look round._]

RANKLING.

Oh, Queckett, where are your nieces?

QUECKETT.

Nieces--nieces? Oh, they retire at eight o'clock. Early to bed, early to rise--[_Gwendoline and Ermyntrude enter, visibly pushed on by Peggy._]

RANKLING.

[_Rising._] Um, this doesn't look like early to bed.

QUECKETT.

[_ Weakly._] Just got up, I suppose. Gwendoline--Ermyntrude--my dears--Admiral Rankling--Mr. Mallory--[_Looking about for Saunders._] Mr.--Mr.--Oh, Mr. Saunders is asleep! [_Ermyntrude and Gwendoline advance to Rankling._]

RANKLING.

[_To the girls._] How do you do? And whose daughters are you? [_Gwendoline and Ermyntrude look frightened, and shake their heads._]

QUECKETT.

Oh, these are my sister Isabel's girls.

RANKLING.

Why, all your sister Isabel's children were boys.

QUECKETT.

Were boys, yes.

RANKLING.

[_Irritably._] Are boys, sir.

QUECKETT.

Are men, now. H'm! I should have said these are my sister Janet's children.

RANKLING.

Oh! I've never heard of your sister Janet.

QUECKETT.

No--quiet, retiring girl, Janet.

RANKLING.

Well then, whom did Janet marry?

QUECKETT.

Whom didn't Janet marry? I mean, whom did Jane marry? Why, Finch Griffin of the Berkshire Royals!

RANKLING.

Dear me, we're going to meet Major Griffin and his wife on Christmas Day at the Trotwells'.

QUECKETT.

Are you? [_To Gwendoline and Ermyntrude._] Go away. [_Peggy enters._] Oh--ahem! This is Margaret--Peggy.

RANKLING.

Oh--another of Mrs. Griffin's.

QUECKETT.

Yes, yes!

RANKLING.

Large family.

QUECKETT.

Rapid--two a year.

RANKLING.

[_Eyeing Peggy._] Why, we've met before to-day!

PEGGY.

Eh--where?

RANKLING.

At a miserable school near my house in Portland Place.

PEGGY.

Oh, yes. Our holidays began this afternoon.

RANKLING.

Why, Queckett, my daughter Dinah and Miss Griffin are school-fellows!

QUECKETT.

No!

RANKLING.

Yes!

QUECKETT.

No!

RANKLING.

Yes, sir.

QUECKETT.

How small the world is!

RANKLING.

Do you happen to know anything about the person who keeps that school? What's the woman's name--Miss--Miss--?

QUECKETT.

Miss--Miss--Miss--

PEGGY.

Miss Dyott. Oh, yes, Uncle knows her to speak to.

RANKLING.

What about her, Queckett?

QUECKETT.

[_Looking vindictively at Peggy._] Er--um--rather not hazard an opinion. [_He hastily joins Mallory, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude._]

RANKLING.

[_Confidentially to Peggy._] Er--um--my dear Miss Griffin, did you receive a short but ample apology from me this afternoon--addressed, "To the young lady who was shaken"?

PEGGY.

Yes; and oh! I shall always prize it!

RANKLING.

No, no, don't! You haven't bothered your Uncle about it, have you, dear?

PEGGY.

No--not yet.

RANKLING.

I shouldn't, then, I shouldn't. He seems worried enough. Shall I take you and your sisters to see the pantomime?

PEGGY.

Yes--please.

RANKLING.

Then you'd better give me back that apology.

PEGGY.

Oh, no--you'd use it again.

RANKLING.

One--two--three. Mr. Mallory says you have four nieces with you, Mr. Queckett.

QUECKETT.

Ah, but Jack's been dining, you know. I beg your pardon, Jack.

PEGGY.

Oh, yes, there is one more. Mrs.--Mrs.--Parkinson is here with her husband.

QUECKETT.

H'm! my brother Tankerville's eldest girl.

RANKLING.

I've never heard of your brother Tankerville!

QUECKETT.

No--he's Deputy Inspector of Prisons in British Guiana. Quiet, retiring chap.

PEGGY.

I'll go and fetch them. [_She runs out._]

QUECKETT.

[_To Rankling._] To make a clean breast of it, the girls have been preparing a little festival to-night in honor of Mr. and Mrs.--Mr. and Mrs.--the name Peggy mentioned. My niece was married, very quietly, some weeks ago to a charming young fellow--a charming young fellow--and these foolish children insist on cutting a wedding-cake and all that sort of nonsense. I didn't want to disturb you with their chatter--

RANKLING.

You forget, Queckett, you are speaking to a father.

QUECKETT.

No--I don't, indeed. [_Peggy re-enters, followed by Reginald and Dinah._]

PEGGY.

My cousin and Mr. Parkinson.

RANKLING.

How do you--[_Staring._] What an extraordinary likeness to my brother Ned! [_Taking her hand slowly, still looking at her._] And how do you do?

DINAH.

[_Palpitating._] Thank you, I am very well.

RANKLING.

Do you know, your voice is exceedingly like my sister Rachel's!

REGINALD.

[_Thrusting himself between Dinah and Rankling._] I am sorry to differ--I think my wife resembles no one but herself.

RANKLING.

[_Hotly _] I beg your pardon, sir.

REGINALD.

[_Hotly_] Pray, don't.

RANKLING.

[_To himself _] That's not a charming young fellow!

PEGGY.

[_Presenting Mallory to Dinah._] Mr. Mallory.

MALLORY.

[_Gallantly, to Dinah._] I am delighted to have the opportunity of congratulating my old friend's niece upon her recent marriage. [_Taking her hand._] I think myself especially fortunate in being present on such--

REGINALD.

[_Thrusting himself between Dinah and Mallory, and giving Dinah his arm._] How do you do, sir?

MALLORY.

Mr. Mallory--Mr. Parkinson. [_ They bow abruptly, glaring at each other._]

MALLORY.

[_To himself._] Is that a charming young fellow? [_Dinah expostulates in undertones with Reginald; he answering with violent gestures and glaring at Rankling, who mutters comments on Dinah's resemblance to various members of his family. Peggy endeavours to pacify Mallory who is evidently annoyed, and altogether there is much hubbub, with signs of general ill-feeling._]

QUECKETT.

[_Sinking back in his chair._] Oh, what a party! [_Jane enters._]

JANE.

[_Quietly to Queckett._] The pudding is in the arey, sir, waiting to be paid.

QUECKETT.

I'll come to it. [_Jane goes out. To Peggy._] Margaret, show Admiral Rankling and Mr. Mallory where the cigarettes are--they may like--[_To himself_] Years are going off my life! [_He goes out._]

PEGGY.

[_ To Mallory._] May I take you to the cigarettes?

MALLORY.

[_To Peggy._] You may take me anywhere.

PEGGY.

[_Bashfully._] Oh! [_To Rankling._] The cigarettes are in the next room, Admiral Rankling.

RANKLING.

[_Not hearing Peggy, but still eyeing Dinah._] That girl has a look of Emma's sister Susan. [_Peggy and Mallory go out. Reginald seeing Rankling is still looking at Dinah, abruptly takes her over to the door, glaring at Rankling as he passes._]

REGINALD.

[_To Dinah, fiercely._] Come away, Dinah!

DINAH.

[_To Reginald, tearfully._] Oh, Reggie, dear Reggie, you are so different when people are not present. [_They go out. Rankling watches them through the doorway. Gwendoline has meanwhile seated herself beside Saunders, whose head has gradually fallen till it rests upon her shoulder. She is now sitting quite still, looking down upon the boy's face._]

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Watching them enviously._] Well, considering that Mr. Saunders was introduced to us asleep, I don't think Gwendoline's behaviour is _coînme il faut!_ [_She bumps gently against Rankling._] Oh!

RANKLING.

[_Looking at Ermyntrude, rather dazed._] My dear, I am quite glad to see somebody who isn't like any of my relations. Come along. [_They go out. Saunders moves dreamily and murmurs._]

SAUNDERS.

[_Waking._] All right, ma dear--I'll come down directly. [_He raises his head and kisses Gwendoline, then opens his eyes, and looks at her, startled._] Oh, I've been dreaming about my ma! I--I don't know you, do I?

GWENDOLINE.

It doesn't matter, Mr. Saunders. You've had such a good sleep. [_She kisses his forehead gently._]

SAUNDERS.

Oh, that's just like my ma! Where are the others?

GWENDOLINE.

[_Arranging his curls upon his forehead._] I'll take you to them.

SAUNDERS.

Thank you. What's your name?

GWENDOLINE.

Gwendoline.

SAUNDERS.

Gwen's short for that, isn't it? [_Rubbing his eyes with his fists, then offering her his arm._] Permit me, Gwen. [_They go out. Queckett, his hair disarranged, his appearance generally wild, immediately enters, followed by Jane and Tyler._]

QUECKETT.

I can't help it! I am in the hands of fate. Arrange the table. I cannot help it! [_Tyler and Jane proceed to arrange the table and the seats for supper. Peggy enters quietly._]

PEGGY.

It is supper time. Oh, what's the matter, Uncle Vere?

QUECKETT.

Well, in the first place, there are no oysters.

PEGGY.

I've seen them!

QUECKETT.

I've gone further--I've tasted them.

PEGGY.

Bad!

QUECKETT.

Well, I should describe them as Inland oysters. A long time since they had a fortnight at the seaside.

PEGGY.

Oh, dear! Then we must fall back on the lark pudding.

QUECKETT.

You'll injure yourself seriously if you do.

PEGGY.

Tell me everything. It has not come small?

QUECKETT.

It has come ridiculously small.

PEGGY.

It was ordered for eight persons.

QUECKETT.

Then it is architecturally disproportionate.

PEGGY.

[_To herself._] Something must be done. [_She runs to the writing-table and begins to write rapidly on three half sheets of paper, folding each into a three-cornered note as she finishes it._] The girls must be warned. [_ Writing._] "For goodness' sake, don't taste the pudding." Poor girls--what an end to a happy day! [_To himself._] Oh, if the members of my family could see me at this moment! I, whose suppers in the Albany were at one time a proverb! Oh, Caroline, Caroline, even you little know the sacrifice I have made for you!

PEGGY.

[_To Queckett, handing him the notes._] Quick, please, quick--give them these notes.

QUECKETT.

[_Taking the notes._] What for?

PEGGY.

Oh, don't ask; you will see the result.

QUECKETT.

But you mustn't write to people you--!

PEGGY.

[_Angrily._] Go away! [_He hurries out. Peggy wipes her eyes. _]

JANE.

Oh, don't be upset, Miss!

PEGGY.

No, I won't, I won't. But I am only a girl, and the responsibility is very great for such young shoulders. [_There is a murmur of voices outside. Jane and Tyler go out as Rankling enters with Ermyntrude, followed by Reggie with Dinah. Reginald is endeavouring to keep her away from Mallory, who comes after them. Saunders and Gwendoline follow next, and Queckett brings up the rear. There is much talking as Queckett indicates the seats they are to occupy._]

PEGGY.

[_Quietly to Queckett._] Did you give the girls the notes?

QUECKETT.

[_Surprised. _] No.

PEGGY.

Oh! Never mind--I'll whisper to them now. [_She whispers hurriedly to Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude._]

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] didn't understand they were for the girls. [_He goes to the head of the table as Rankling, Mallory, and Saunders come suddenly together, each carrying a note._]

RANKLING.

[_To Mallory._] Mallory, we were right--there is some horrible mystery about Queckett. [_Looking to see they are not observed._] I've had an anonymous warning. "For heaven's sake, don't touch the pud--pudding."

MALLORY.

I know.

RANKLING.

Tell the boy. [_To Saunders._]

MALLORY.

I say--don't you say yes to Saunders.

MALLORY.

I know. Tell the old gentleman. [_To Saunders._] He knows. [_To Rankling._] He knows. [_ With a simultaneous gesture they pocket the notes and go to find their seats at table. They all sit. The lobster salad and the pâté have been placed by Tyler at the end of the table. Tyler now enters carrying nine large plates which he places before Queckett._]

QUECKETT.

[_ With assumed composure and good spirits. _] There is a spontaneity about our jolly little supper which will perhaps, ah'm! atone for any absence of elaboration.

RANKLING.

Don't name it, Mr. Queckett.

MALLORY.

Just as it should be, my dear fellow. [_Tyler goes out._]

QUECKETT.

The language of the heart is simplicity. Our little supper is from the heart.

MALLORY.

Ah, I shall never forget your little suppers in the Albany--where were they from?

QUECKETT.

Gunters', Jack. [_With a groan._] Oh! [_ Jane, at the door, hands to Tyler a very small pudding in a silver basin, which he places before Queckett._]

RANKLING, MALLORY, AND SAUNDERS.

[_To themselves._] The pudding! [_They exhibit great eagerness to get a view of the pudding. _]

PEGGY.

[_Behind Mallory's bach._] Oh, how shameful it looks!

QUECKETT.

[_Falteringly._] Here is a homely little dish which has fascinations for many, though I never touch it myself--I never touch it myself. [_Rankling, Mallory and Saunders exchange significant looks._] Ah'm! A pudding made of larks. [_He glances round, all look down, there is deep silence._] A pudding--made--of larks. [_To Dinah._] My dear--a very little?

DINAH.

No, thank you, Uncle.

QUECKETT.

Perhaps you're right. Gwendoline, a suggestion?

GWENDOLINE.

No, thank you, Uncle.

QUECKETT.

[_To Peggy._] Margaret, I know what your digestion is--I won't tempt you. [_To Ermyntrude._] Ermyntrude--the least in the world?

ERMYNTRUDE.

No, thank you, Uncle.

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] Ah! How lucky!

PEGGY.

[_To herself!_] Brave girls; I was afraid they'd falter.

QUECKETT.

[_Heartily.'_] Now then--Admiral Rankling?

RANKLING.

No, thank you. No pudding? I haven't long dined, thank you, Queckett.

QUECKETT.

[_ To Reginald--coldly._] May I?

REGINALD.

[_Distantly.'_] I never eat suppers, thank you.

QUECKETT.

[_To Saunders._] My dear Mr. Saunders?

SAUNDERS.

No, Mr. Queckett, thank you.

QUECKETT.

[_Getting desperate--to Mallory._] Jack--a lark?

MALLORY.

No, thanks, old fellow.

QUECKETT.

Well, I--[_Throwing down his knife and spoon, and leaning back in his chair. To Tyler._] Take it away! [_Tyler removes the pudding; they all watch its going._]

TYLER.

[_Handing it to Jane._] Keep it warm, Jane.

JACK.

A lobster salad and a small pâté de foie gras are at your end of the table.

MALLORY.

[_Looking round.'_] May I? [_There is a general reply of "No, thank you," expressed in symbols by the ladies._]

PEGGY.

[_ To herself _] Poor girls, what sacrifices they make for these men!

MALLORY.

[_ With a plate in his hand._] May I--?

RANKLING, SAUNDERS, AND REGINALD.

[_Together._] No, thank you.

QUECKETT.

[_To himself_] What a supper party! Tyler, the champagne. [_Tyler fetches a bottle of champagne, and proceeds to open it._]

RANKLING.

[_Behind Ermyntrude and Peggy, to Mallory._] If we see the cork drawn, shall we risk it?

MALLORY.

[_To Rankling._] Risk it.

RANKLING.

Risk it. [_Reginald has risen from the table and is seen tapping Saunders upon the shoulder and speaking to him rapidly and excitedly._]

SAUNDERS.

No, I have not! [_Talking together, Reginald and Saunders go out hurriedly._]

MALLORY.

What's the matter with that charming young fellow now? [_To the table._] Excuse me. [_He follows them out._]

DINAH.

[_Tearfully to Gwendoline._] Reginald's jealousy gets worse and worse. I am sure it will cloud our future.

GWENDOLINE.

[_To Dinah._] Mr. Saunders wasn't looking at you, I am positive. The poor little fellow was stroking my hand. [_Mallory returns with Saunders and Reginald, who both look excited, and their hair is disarranged._]

REGINALD.

[_To Mallory and Saunders._] I beg your pardon; I may have been mistaken. I imagined that Mr. Saunders was regarding my wife in a way which overstepped the borders of ordinary admiration. [_They hastily shake hands all around and hurry back to their seats. Tyler has poured out the champagne, and now departs. Admiral Rankling rises. Queckett taps the table for silence._]

QUECKETT.

Please--please.

RANKLING.

Ah'm!

MALLORY.

[_To himself._] I thought the old gentleman wouldn't resist the temptation.

RANKLING.

My dear Mr. Queckett, it would ill become an old man--himself the father of a daughter, nearly, if not quite, of the age of the young lady opposite me--to lose an opportunity of saying a few words on the pleasant, the--the extremely pleasant--condition of the British Naval Forces--ah'm! no--

MALLORY.

[_To himself._] I knew that would happen.

RANKLING.

Pardon me, I have been speaking on other subjects to-night. I should say, the extremely pleasant occasion which brings us together.

QUECKETT.

Certainly, my dear Rankling, how nice of you!

RANKLING.

Not only am I the commander--the father--of a ship--of a daughter whom it is my ambition to see happily wedded to the man of her choice--

PEGGY.

Hear, hear!

QUECKETT.

[_In an undertone, glaring at her._] You vexing girl.

RANKLING.

But I am also the husband of a heavily plated cruiser--er--um--h'm! of a dear lady to whose affection and society I owe the greatest happiness of my life.

PEGGY.

[_To herself._] How different some gentlemen are when their wives are not present.

RANKLING.

If I have the regret of knowing that my acquaintance with Mrs.--Mrs.--

PEGGY.

Parkinson.

RANKLING.

Thank you, I know--Parkinson--has begun only to-night, I have also the pleasure of inaugurating a friendship with that delightful young lady, which on my side shall be little less than paternal. I--I--I--

MALLORY.

Oh, gracious!

RANKLING.

I--I cannot sit down--

MALLORY.

[_ Wearily._] Why not!

RANKLING.

I will not sit down without adding a word of congratulation to Mr.--Mr. --

PEGGY.

Parkinson.

RANKLING.

Thank you, I know--Parkinson--the young gentleman whose ingenious construction and seagoing qualities--

MALLORY.

No--no.

RANKLING.

Er--um--whose amiability and genial demeanour have so favourably impressed us. As an old married man I welcome this recruit to the service.

PEGGY.

Hear, hear.

RANKLING.

It is one of hardship and danger--of stiff breezes and dismal night watches. But it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten--

MALLORY.

No, no.

RANKLING.

Yes, sir--it is because Englishmen never know when they are beaten that they occasionally find conjugal happiness. I ask you all to drink to the Navy--to Mr. and Mrs.--thank you, I know--Jenkinson.

[_All except Dinah and Reginald rise and drink the toast "Mr. and Mrs. Parkinson," then as they resume their seats, Reginald rises sulkily._]

REGINALD.

Admiral Rankling.

[_Jane appears at the door, wildly beckoning to Queckett._]

JANE.

[_In a whisper._] Sir--Sir--!

QUECKETT.

[_Angrily._] Not now--not now--go away.

THE GIRLS.

Hush! [_The Girls motion Jane away; she retires._]

QUECKETT.

[_To Reginald._] I beg pardon.

REGINALD.

All I have to say is that the highest estimation Admiral Rankling can form of me will not do justice to my devotion to my wife.

PEGGY.

[_Sotto voce._] Oh, beautiful!

REGINALD.

[_Fiercely._] And I should like to know the individual, old or young, who would take my wife from me!

MALLORY.

[_To himself _] Many a husband would like to know that person.

REGINALD.

In conclusion--as for Admiral Rankling's offer of a paternal friendship, I trust he will remember that offer if ever we should have occasion to remind him of it. [_Looking at his watch._] And now I regret to say--[_ The girls rise, the men follow. _]

PEGGY.

No, no--not before we have danced one quadrille.

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

Oh, yes--oh, yes! A quadrille!

PEGGY.

Uncle Vere will play for us.

QUECKETT.

No, Uncle Vere will not!

MALLORY.

Oh, yes, you will, Queckett, old fellow, eh?

QUECKETT.

Well--I--with pleasure, Jack. [_To himself!_] How dare they!

PEGGY.

Clear the floor! [_Saunders and Mallory, assisted by Ermyntrude and Gwendoline, put back the table and chairs._]

RANKLING.

[_Getting very good humoured._] Upon my soul, I never saw such girls in my life! I wonder whether my Dinah is anything like 'em! [_Dinah and Reginald are having a violent altercation._]

DINAH.

A wife shouldn't dance with her husband--it is horrible form!

REGINALD.

I can't see you led out by a stranger.

DINAH.

It is merely a quadrille.

REGINALD.

Merely a quadrille! Woman, do you think I am marble?

DINAH.

[_Distractedly, turning to Rankling._] Admiral Rankling, are you going to dance?

RANKLING.

[_Gallantly._] If you do me the honour, my dear Madam. [_She takes his arm._]

REGINALD.

[_Madly, to Dinah._] Ah, flirt!

QUECKETT.

[_To Peggy._] Get rid of them soon, or I shall become a gibbering idiot!

MALLORY.

[_Slapping Queckett on the back._] Now, then, Queckett. [_Queckett goes to the piano. To Peggy._] Will you make me happy, dear Miss Peggy?

PEGGY.

Thank you, Mr. Mallory, I never dance. [_Taking his arm._] But I don't mind this once. Uncle!

QUECKETT.

[_To himself._] I wash my hands of the entire party! [_He plays the first figure of a quadrille, while they dance--Rankling and Dinah, Saunders and Gwendoline, Mallory and Peggy, Ermyntrude and Reginald. They dance with brightness and animation, but whenever Reginald encounters Dinah there is a violent altercation. As the figure ends Jane enters again, and runs to Queckett at the piano. _]

QUECKETT.

What is it?

JANE.

Oh, sir, do come down-stairs--as far down as you can get.

QUECKETT.

What do you mean?

JANE.

That boy, Tyler, sir!

QUECKETT.

Tyler--well?

JANE.

He went off bang in the kitchen, sir, about ten minutes ago. Them fireworks!

QUECKETT.

Fireworks! Where is he?

JANE.

Gone for the engines, sir.

QUECKETT.

[_Rising._] The engines!

ERMYNTRUDE.

Uncle!

GWENDOLINE.

Uncle Vere!

PEGGY.

Now then, Uncle!

QUECKETT.

Excuse me--let somebody take my place at the piano. I--I'll be back in a moment! [_Jane hurries out, he following her._]

PEGGY.

[_Running to the piano and commencing a waltz.'_] A waltz! Change partners! [_Rankling dances with Ermyntrude, Saunders with Gwendoline. Reginald is left out, but is wildly following Dinah, who is dancing with Mallory._]

RANKLING.

[_Puffing._] Not so fast, Miss Griffin--not so fast.

REGINALD.

[_Dinah's ear._] I shall require some explanation, Madam.

DINAH.

Oh, Reginald! [_There is the sound of a prolonged knocking at the street door, followed by a bell ringing violently._]

PEGGY.

[_Playing._] Somebody wants to come in, evidently. [_Suddenly the music and the dancing stop and everybody listens; then they all run to the windows and look out._]

RANKLING.

What's that?

MALLORY.

What's wrong?

SAUNDERS.

Oh, look there!

PEGGY.

Oh, there's such a crowd at our house! [_Queckett re-enters with Jane, who sinks into a chair. Queckett looks very pale and frightened._]

QUECKETT.

Listen to me, please.

ALL.

What's the matter?

QUECKETT.

Don't be alarmed. Look at me. Imitate my self-possession.

ALL.

What is the matter?

QUECKETT.

The matter? The weather is so unfavourable that the boy Tyler has been compelled to display fireworks on the premises.

THE GIRLS. THE MEN.

Oh! What has happened?

QUECKETT.

Pray don't be disturbed. There is not the slightest occasion for alarm. We have now the choice of one alternative.

RANKLING AND MALLORY.

What's that?

QUECKETT.

To get out without unnecessary delay.

THE GIRLS.

[_Clustering together._] Oh!

RANKLING.

[_Assuming the tone of a commander._] Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!

MALLORY.

Yes, sir.

SAUNDERS.

Yes, sir. [_Mallory and Saunders place themselves beside Rankling._]

RANKLING.

Ladies, fetch your cloaks and wraps preparatory to breaking up our pleasant little party. Who volunteers to assist the ladies?

MALLORY.

I, sir!

SAUNDERS.

I, sir!

REGINALD.

I do!

QUECKETT.

I do!

RANKLING.

Mr. Mallory, tell off Mr. Queckett and Mr. Jenkinson to help the ladies. [_The girls run out, followed by Reginald, Queckett, and Jane._]

RANKLING.

Mr. Mallory! Mr. Saunders!

MALLORY AND SAUNDERS.

Yes, sir.

RANKLING.

Our respective coats. [_They bustle about to get their coats as the door quietly opens and Jaffray, a fireman, appears._]

JAFFRAY.

Good evening, gentlemen. Can you tell me where I'll find the ladies?

MALLORY.

They're putting on their hats and cloaks.

JAFFRAY.

Thank you, gentlemen, I'm much obliged to you. [_He goes to the window, pulls up the blind, and throws the window open, the top of a ladder is seen against the balcony._] Are you coming up, Mr. Goff?

GOFF.

[_Out of sight._] Yes, Mr. Jaffray. [_Goff, a middle-aged, jolly-looking fireman, enters by the balcony and the window. _]

JAFFRAY.

Gentlemen, Mr. Goff--one of the oldest and most respected members of the Brigade. Mr. Goff tells some most interesting stories, gentlemen.

RANKLING.

[_Impatiently._] Stories, sir! Call the ladies, Mr. Mallory. [_Mallory goes out._]

GOFF.

I shouldn't hurry them, sir--ladies like to take their time. Now I remember an instance in October, '78--

RANKLING.

Confound it, sir, you're not going to relate anecdotes now!

JAFFRAY.

I beg your pardon, sir, Mr. Goff is one of the most experienced and entertaining members of the Brigade.

RANKLING.

I tell you I don't care about that just now! Where are the ladies? [_Saunders goes out._]

JAFFRAY.

Excuse me sir, Mr. Goff's reminiscences are well worth hearing while you wait.

RANKLING.

But I don't wish to wait! [_Mallory and Peggy, Saunders and Gwendoline, Reginald and Dinah, followed by Jane, enter. The girls are hastily attired in all sorts of odd apparel and carrying bonnet-boxes, parcels, and small hand-bags. Ermyntrude carries, amongst other things, a cage of white mice, Gwendoline a bird in a cage, and Dinah a black cat, and Peggy a pair of skates and a brush and comb._]

THE GIRLS.

We're ready. Take us away!

JAFFRAY.

I must really ask you, ladies and gentlemen, to take it quietly for a few minutes.

ALL.

Take it quietly! What for?

JAFFRAY.

The staircase isn't just the thing for ladies and gentlemen at the present moment. I shall have to ask the ladies and gentlemen to use the Escape.

ALL.

[_Turning to the window._] The Escape! is it? Where?

JAFFRAY.

It'll be here in two minutes. In the meantime, I think Mr. Goff could wile away the time very pleasantly with a reminiscence or two. Ladies, Mr. Goff--

THE GIRLS.

Oh, take us away! Take us away! [_Mallory, Saunders, and Reginald soothe the ladies, Jaffray goes to the window and looks out._]

GOFF.

[_Pleasantly seating himself and taking off his helmet._] Well, ladies, I don't know that I can tell you much to amuse you--however--

RANKLING.

Be quiet, sir--we will not be entertained!

JAFFRAY.

[_Carrying a hose from the window to the door. _] Really, gentlemen, I must say I've never heard Mr. Goff treated so hasty at any conflagration. [_He carries the hose out._]

RANKLING.

A fireman full of anecdote! I decline to appreciate any reminiscence whatever. So do we all!

REGINALD.

Certainly!

MALLORY.

All of us!

GOFF.

It was in July, '79, ladies--my wife had just brought my tea to the Chandos Street Station--[_Jaffray re-enters and goes to the window._]

MALLORY.

Will you be silent, sir?

REGINALD.

Get up and do something!

SAUNDERS.

Go away!

JAFFRAY.

The Escape, ladies and gentlemen--that window--one at a time. [_There is a general movement and hubbub. Goff rises, he and Jaffray disappear by the window on the left. Mallory throws open the other window, and Jaffray appears outside and receives Dinah, Gwendoline, Ermyntrude, Peggy, and Jane as they escape._]

RANKLING.

Mr. Mallory--Mr. Saunders--good evening! [_Reginald disappears by the right-hand window. Saunders goes after him, Mallory is about to follow when Queckett enters hurriedly. Queckett is in a tall hat, a short covert coat, and carries gloves and an umbrella. He is flourishing a letter._]

QUECKETT.

[_Pulling Mallory back._] Jack--Jack!

MALLORY.

Hallo!

QUECKETT.

I'm going back to save some valuables. Directly you get down post that letter. Oh, Jack, it's so important.

MALLORY.

[_Looking at the letter._] To the Eagle Fire Insurance Company.

QUECKETT.

Quite so--slipped my memory. [_Mallory disappears. Jaffray follows him. _]

RANKLING.

[_Hurrying to Queckett._] My dear Queckett, it is the commander's duty to be the last to leave the ship--you are master here. Thank you for your hospitality. Good-night.

QUECKETT.

My dear Rankling, thank you for coming to see me. Good-night. [_Jaffray appears at the window._]

JAFFRAY.

It's all right, gentlemen--there's a kind lady down below who is taking everybody into her house for the night--Mrs. Rankling of Portland Place.

RANKLING.

Mrs. Rankling--that's my wife! [_Queckett disappears._]

JAFFRAY.

Is she, sir? Glad to hear it. Then they are all your visitors till to-morrow.

RANKLING.

Confound it, sir, where do I live?

JAFFRAY.

Just at the corner here, sir--a hundred yards off.

RANKLING.

Then where am I now?

JAFFRAY.

Miss Dyott's boarding school, sir--Volumnia College.

RANKLING.

What! [_He and Jaffray go out by the window on the right as Goff enters by the window on the left._]

GOFF.

Where is he? [_Calling at the door._]Sir, here's the lady of the house--rode up on an engine from Piccadilly--make haste--she says she will come up the ladder. [_Queckett enters quickly, dragging after him several boxes of cigars. _]

QUECKETT.

A lady! What lady? [_Miss Dyott appears at the window. She is in the gorgeous dress of an opera-bouffe Queen, with a flaxen wig much disarranged and a crown on one side. Recoiling. _] Caroline!

MISS DYOTT.

[_Entering and taking him by the collar._] Come down! [_She drags him towards the window._]

END OF THE SECOND ACT.

THE THIRD ACT

_The scene is a well-furnished, tastefully decorated morning-room in the house of Admiral Rankling. At the further end of the room there are two double doors facing each other, one with glazed panels opening to a conservatory, the other to a dark room. There are also two doors near to the pillars that support an archway spanning the room. All is darkness save for a faint glow from the fire, and a blue light coming through the conservatory windows._

_Peggy, dressed as before, enters quietly, looking about her._

PEGGY.

[_In a whisper._] Where have I got to now, I wonder? What a dreadful wilderness of a house to wander about in, in the dark, all alone. Oh, for the daylight! [_Looking at her watch._] Half-past six. Why, gracious! here's a spark of fire! Oh, joy! [_She goes down on her knees, and replenishes the fire with coal from the scuttle. The door opens, and Gwendoline peeps in._]

GWENDOLINE.

[_In a whisper._] What room is this? [_Entering noiselessly._] Will the day never break? [_Frightened, and retreating as Peggy makes a noise blowing up the fire._] Oh!

PEGGY.

[_Frightened._] Oh! Who is that? [_Looking around._] Gwendoline!

GWENDOLINE.

Peggy!

PEGGY.

Are you wandering about too?

GWENDOLINE.

Yes. I can't sleep--can you?

PEGGY.

[_Shivering._] Sleep? no. As if I could sleep in a strange bed in a strange house, in one of Admiral Rankling's night-gowns. You didn't meet any daylight on the stairs, did you? [_Another door opens, and Ermyntrude enters noiselessly._]

GWENDOLINE.

[_Clinging to Peggy._] Oh, look there!

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_In a whisper._] I wonder where I am now.

PEGGY.

Ermyntrude!

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Clinging to a chair._] Ah!

PEGGY.

Be quiet! It's we--it's us--it's her and me! Oh, my grammar's going now!

ERMYNTRUDE.

Can't you girls get to sleep?

GWENDOLINE.

I should think not.

PEGGY.

There wasn't any daylight in your room when you came down, was there?

ERMYNTRUDE.

I thought I saw a glimmer through the window on the first floor landing.

PEGGY.

Ah, perhaps that's some of yesterday's. I know! I've made up the fire; let us bivouac here till daybreak. Two by the fire, and take it in turns for the sofa. [_Picking up a bearskin rug and carrying it to the sofa._] Who's first for the sofa?

GWENDOLINE.

Ermyntrude.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Gwendoline.

PEGGY.

Come along, Gwendoline. [_Gwendoline puts herself upon the sofa, and Peggy covers her with the bearskin._] There--as soon as you drop off to sleep it will be Ermyntrude's turn. [_Looking through the conservatory doors._] Oh, how the snow is coming down! [_Joining Ermyntrude, who is warming her hands by the fire. She sits in an arm-chair._]

ERMYNTRUDE.

Peggy--do you know what has become of poor Dinah?

PEGGY.

Yes, she's locked up up-stairs till the morning. Admiral Rankling locked her up.

GWENDOLINE.

[_From the sofa._] It's a shame!

PEGGY.

Go to sleep! Oh, what a scene there was! Admiral Rankling foamed at the mouth. It was lucky they got Mr. Queckett away from him in time.

GWENDOLINE.

[_Sleepily._] Where is Mr. Queckett?

PEGGY.

Go to sleep.

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Leaning against Peggy's knees._] Mr. Queckett is locked up too, isn't he?

PEGGY.

Of course he is--till the morning. Miss Dyott locked him up--very properly I think.

ERMYNTRUDE.

And where's Miss Dyott?

PEGGY.

Up-stairs, in the room next to mine, in hysterics. Hush! I do believe Gwendoline has gone off. Are you pretty comfortable?

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Her head on Peggy's lap--sleepily._] Yes, thank you.

PEGGY.

[_ Wearily._] Oh! [_The door quietly opens, and Saunders appears. Peggy and Ermyntrude are hidden from him by the armchair._]

SAUNDERS.

[_Sleepily._] I can't sleep in my room. Where have they put Uncle Jack, I wonder? [_Seeing Gwendoline, who is sleeping, with the light from the conservatory windows upon her._] Oh--what's that? [_Going softly up to Gwendoline, and looking at her._] Why, here's my Gwen. I wonder if she'd mind my sitting near her. [_Turning up his coat collar and sitting gently on the footstool, he leans against the head of the sofa drowsily._] Now if any robbers wanted to hurt Gwen, I could kill them. [_Closing his eyes wearily._] Oh! [_Soon there is a sound of heavy regular breathing from the four sleeping figures. The door opens, and Mallory enters._]

MALLORY.

[_Shivering._] Can't get a blessed wink of sleep. Where have I wandered to? Why, this is the room where the awful row was. [_Seeing Gwendoline._] Hallo, here's one of those schoolgirls--[_discovering Saunders_] and--well, this nephew of mine is a devil of a fellow! That isn't a glimmer of fire, surely. [_ Walking towards the fireplace he nearly stumbles over Ermyntrude._] More girls! [_He accidentally knocks over the scuttle. They all wake with a start._]

PEGGY AND ERMYNTRUDE.

What's that?

GWENDOLINE AND SAUNDERS.

Who is it?

MALLORY.

Hush, don't be frightened! It's only I.

PEGGY.

Mr. Mallory.

MALLORY.

I've been wandering about--can't sleep.

PEGGY.

No--we can't sleep either.

MALLORY.

Well, I don't know about that. [_Ermyntrude lights the candle on mantelpiece._]

PEGGY.

Why haven't you and Mr. Saunders gone home? You're not burnt out.

MALLORY.

Perhaps not; but Admiral Rankling asked me to remain, and, if he hadn't, I'm not going to leave this house till my friend Queckett is out of danger.

PEGGY.

Out of danger.

MALLORY.

Yes. Are you aware that you young ladies have brought very grave difficulties upon that unfortunate gentleman?

PEGGY.

[_Crying._] He encouraged us! He's a man!

MALLORY.

Now, pray don't cry, my dear Miss--what is your name this morning?

PEGGY.

Hesslerigge, and I wish I'd never been born!

MALLORY.

Hesslerigge and you wish you'd never been born. [_ Taking her hand._] Well, Miss Hesslerigge, the serious aspect of the affair is that Admiral Rankling has a most violent, ungovernable temper.

PEGGY.

[_Tearfully._] I know. I've never seen a gentleman foam at the mouth before. It's quite a new experience.

MALLORY.

[_Soothingly._] Of course--of course--and therefore I'm apprehensive for poor Mr. Queckett's bodily safety. Meanwhile I won't disturb you any longer; come along, Saunders.

PEGGY.

Where are you going?

MALLORY.

To the front door--to speak a word or two of encouragement to that young fellow, Paulover.

PEGGY.

Oh, is he outside still? In the snow!

MALLORY.

Why, he has been walking up and down on the other side of the way all night.

PEGGY.

[_Indignantly._] And you haven't let him in!

MALLORY.

How could I! You forget that our host has forbidden him the house.

PEGGY.

No, I don't; I saw them roll out into the road together. Girls, shall we open the front door or shall we remain the mere slaves of etiquette?

GWENDOLINE.

I should like to let him in.

ERMYNTRUDE.

Certainly--why not?

SAUNDERS.

Come along--I know the way. [_Saunders, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude go out quietly._]

MALLORY.

[_To Peggy._] Well, you'll perhaps pardon my saying that you are a devil-may-care little schoolgirl!

PEGGY.

You make a great mistake. I am not a schoolgirl; I am struggling to be a governess.

MALLORY.

Ah, I hope you'll make your way in your profession. [_Peggy has discovered the spirit-stand on the sideboard and now places it on the table. _]

MALLORY.

What are you going to do now?

PEGGY.

Brew poor Mr. Paulover something hot. [_Bringing the kettle and spirit lamp to the table_] Light this lamp for me, please. [_He lights the lamp._] If you can recommend me at any time to a lady with young daughters I shall be grateful.

MALLORY.

I will--I will.

PEGGY.

I think I am almost capable of finishing any young lady now.

MALLORY.

I am sure you are. [_Looking at the spirit lamp._] Is that alight? [_They put their heads down close together to look at the lighted lamp._] That's all right.

PEGGY.

Seems so. [_They rise and look at one another._]

MALLORY.

We'd better watch it, perhaps, in case it goes out. [_ They bob down again with their heads together and both sit on the same chair._] You'll get into an awful scrape over your share in last night's business, won't you?

PEGGY.

Frightful; the thought depresses me.

MALLORY.

Do you think Miss Dyott, or Mrs. Queckett, or whatever she is, will send you home?

PEGGY.

She can't--she's got me for ever. She took me, years ago, for a bad debt.

MALLORY.

How can she punish you then?

PEGGY.

I think she will withdraw her confidence from me.

MALLORY.

You won't despair, will you?

PEGGY.

I'll try not to.

MALLORY.

What a jolly little sailor's wife you'd make--brewing grog like this.

PEGGY.

I hope I should do my duty in any station of life to which I might be called.

MALLORY.

I'm a sailor, you know.

PEGGY.

No--are you?

MALLORY.

[_ Taking her hand and putting it to his lips._] You know I am.

PEGGY.

[_Suddenly._] It's going to boil over! [_They jump up quickly, Mallory retreats._] Oh, no, it isn't. [_Gwendoline and Ermyntrude enter, leading Reginald, with Saunders following. Reginald is in a deplorable condition, covered with snow and icicles, his face is white, and his nose red._] Oh, poor Mr. Paulover!

SAUNDERS.

He's frost-bitten!

PEGGY.

Thaw him by degrees. [_Peggy mixes the grog. Gwendoline and Ermyntrude lead Reginald to a chair before the fire, he uttering some violent but incoherent exclamations._]

ERMYNTRUDE.

He's annoyed with Admiral Rankling. [_The girls chafe his hands while he still mutters, with his eyes rolling._]

PEGGY.

It's a good job his language is frozen. [_Putting the glass of grog to his lips._]

REGINALD.

[_Reviving._] Thank you. Take my hat off, please--I bought it from a cabman. [_Gwendoline removes his hat, which is very shabby._] Good morning! Where's my wife Dinah?

PEGGY.

She's quite safe.

REGINALD.

I must see her--speak to her!

PEGGY.

You can't--she's locked up.

REGINALD.

Then I must push a long letter under her door. She must, she shall, know that I am going to walk up and down outside this house all my life. [_Faintly._] Bring writing materials!

MALLORY.

I'll hunt for the pen and ink.

SAUNDERS.

So will I.

REGINALD.

[_To Peggy._] No--no--you do it. These men are bachelors--they can't feel for me!

MALLORY.

Here's a writing-table. [_Peggy runs to Mallory and opens the lid of the writing-table. _]

PEGGY.

Note paper and envelopes--where's the--[_opening one of the small drawers--she starts back with a cry._] Oh! [_They all turn and look at her._]

ALL.

What's the matter?

PEGGY.

[_Taking from the drawer a large bunch of keys, each with a small label, which she examines breathlessly._] Duplicate keys of all the rooms in the house! What gross carelessness--to leave keys in an open drawer! Girls, why should not we impress this fact upon Admiral Rankling by releasing Dinah immediately?

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

Oh, yes, yes.

REGINALD.

[_Seizing Peggy's hand._] Oh, Miss Hesslerigge, my father-in-law is entertaining an angel unawares.

MALLORY.

Oh, stop, stop, stop--I don't think we're quite justified--

REGINALD.

[_Scornfully._] Hah, I told you he was merely a bachelor! [_Pointing to Saunders._] So is his companion. Give me the keys?

PEGGY.

No--no--I take the responsibility of this. I am a girl! [_ Going towards the door, and looking at Mallory and Saunders as they make way for her. _] I hope you will repent your line of conduct, gentlemen. [_She goes out._]

MALLORY.

I think we all shall. [_There is a sudden noise, as of some one falling down a couple of stairs. They start and listen._]

GIRLS.

Oh!

MALLORY.

What's that?

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Looking out at door.'_] Here's Admiral Rankling! [_There is a suppressed exclamation with a silent scamper to the further end of the room._]

MALLORY.

[_Indignantly._] What the deuce does a respectable man want out of bed at this unearthly hour?

RANKLING.

[_In a rage, outside the door._] Confound that!

GIRLS.

Oh!

REGINALD.

[_Opening the door leading to the dark room._] Here's a room here. Shall we condescend to hide?

ALL.

Yes. [_They disappear hastily as Rankling appears in a dressing-gown, his face pale and his eyes red and wild._]

RANKLING.

Hallo! Some one has been sitting up--candles--and a fire. Ah! [_Sniffing and walking about the room, he goes straight to the mantelpiece upon which Reginald's grog has been left and takes up the tumbler._] It's Mallory. [_ With suppressed passion._] It's against the rules for anybody to sit up in my house!

[_Calmly._] But I don't mind Mallory--I don't--[_Looking at sofa._] Hallo--Mallory has been turning in here. [_Going to the sofa and sitting there shaking with anger._] Are we never going to have any more daylight? How long am I to wait till that miserable schoolmistress releases the worm Queckett! Queckett! Uncle Vere! The reptile who has made a fool of me in the eyes of my wife and daughter! Ugh! But I must husband my strength for Queckett. I have been a very careful man all my life; as far as muscular economy goes, Queckett shall have the savings of a lifetime. [_Lying down and pulling the rug over him._] Uncle Vere! Ah--I was a wild, impetuous, daring lad once--[_going to sleep_] and I can be unpleasant even now. I can! The Admiralty doesn't know it--Emma doesn't know it--Queckett shall know it. [_He breathes heavily. The others have been peeping from their hiding place, and as they close the door, Peggy enters alone, quickly but silently. She looks for the others, then almost falls over Rankling on the sofa, at which she retreats with a suppressed screech of horror. Mallory opens the further door and gesticulates to her violently to be silent._]

PEGGY.

[_Petrified._] Oh, my goodness gracious! [_Mallory comes and bends over Rankling, listening to his breathing; he then goes to Peggy._]

MALLORY.

He's dropped off. Where is Mrs. Paulover?

PEGGY.

She's not on that side of the house.

MALLORY.

I've a plan for disposing of the old gentleman. Try the other side.

PEGGY.

I'm going to. [_Turning and clutching Mallory._] But, oh, Mr. Mallory, what do you think I've done?

MALLORY.

That's impossible to conjecture.

PEGGY.

I've made a mistake about the doors and--I have unlocked Mr. Queckett! [_She goes out quickly, Mallory thinks for a moment, then bursts into a fit of silent laughter._]

MALLORY.

I love that girl! [_Reginald appears at the further door, gesticulating._]

REGINALD.

[_In a hoarse whisper. _] Where is my wife? I cannot live longer without her! Where is Dinah?

MALLORY.

Hush! She'll be here in a minute. Come out of there and lend me a hand. [_Saunders, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude enter on tiptoe. To Reginald._] Now then--gently. [_Mallory and Reginald each take an end of the sofa and carry Rankling out through the door into the dark room._]

GWENDOLINE.

[_Breathlessly._] If they bump him, all's lost! [_Mallory and Reginald re-appear._]

REGINALD.

I feel warmer now.

MALLORY.

Turn the key. Reginald turns the key as Dinah and Peggy enter cautiously.

GWENDOLINE AND ERMYNTRUDE.

Dinah!

DINAH.

Reggie!

REGINALD.

My wife! [_Reginald rushes down to Dinah and embraces her frantically. There is a general cry of relief as Mallory embraces Peggy, and Gwendoline throws her arms round Saunders. Suddenly there is the sound of some one stumbling downstairs, accompanied by a smothered exclamation._]

ALL.

[_Listening._] What's that?

ERMYNTRUDE.

[_Peeping out at the door._] Here's Uncle Vere got loose. He has fallen downstairs.

REGINALD.

Oh, bother! Come along, Dinah. [_Reginald and Dinah, Saunders, Ermyntrude, and Gwendoline go out quickly._]

PEGGY.

[_To Mallory._] Rather bad taste of your nephew and those girls to run after a newly-married couple, isn't it?

MALLORY.

Yes; we won't do it.

PEGGY.

No; but we don't want to be bothered with your old friend, Queckett, do we?

MALLORY.

No--he's an awful bore.

PEGGY.

Is the conservatory heated? [_Taking his arm._] I don't mind if it isn't. [_They disappear into the conservatory. The door opens and Queckett, his face pale and haggard, enters, still wearing his hat and the short covert coat over his evening dress, and carrying his gloves and umbrella._]

QUECKETT.