Chapter VIII: Part 8

I am well aware how much my sentiments differ from the orthodox opinion of one or two principal patriots, (at the head of whom I name with honour Pistorides.[147]) For these have decided the matter directly against me, by declaring that no person who was ever known to lie under the suspicion of one single Tory principle, or who had been once seen at a great man's levee in the worst of times,[148] should be allowed to come within the verge of the Castle; much less to bow in the antechamber, appear at the assemblies, or dance at a birth-night. However, I dare assert, that this maxim hath been often controlled, and that on the contrary a considerable number of early penitents have been received into grace, who are now an ornament, happiness, and support to the nation.

Neither do I find any murmuring on some other points of greater importance, where this favourite maxim is not so strictly observed.

To instance only in one. I have not heard that any care hath hitherto been taken to discover whether Madam Violante[149] be a Whig or Tory in her principles, or even that she hath ever been offered the oaths to the Government; on the contrary I am told that she openly professes herself to be a high-flyer, and it is not improbable, by her outlandish name she may also be a Papist in her heart; yet we see this illustrious and dangerous female openly caressed by principal persons of both parties, who contribute to support her in a splendid manner, without the least apprehensions from a grand jury, or even from Squire Hartley Hutcheson himself, that zealous prosecutor of hawkers and libels.[150] And as Hobbes wisely observes, so much money being equivalent to so much power, it may deserve considering with what safety such an instrument of power ought to be trusted in the hands of an alien, who hath not given any legal security for her good affection to the government.

I confess, there is one evil which I could wish our friends would think proper to redress. There are many Whigs in this Kingdom of the old-fashioned stamp, of whom we might make very good use; They bear the same loyalty with us, to the Hanoverian family, in the person of King George II.; the same abhorrence of the Pretender, with the consequent of Popery and slavery; and the same indulgence to tender consciences; but having nothing to ask for themselves, and consequently the more leisure to think for the public, they are often apt to entertain fears, and melancholy prospects concerning the state of their country, the decay of trade, the want of money, the miserable condition of the people, with other topics of like nature, all which do equally concern both Whig and Tory, who if they have anything to lose must be equally sufferers. Perhaps one or two of these melancholy gentlemen will sometimes venture to publish their thoughts in print: Now I can by no means approve our usual custom of cursing and railing at this species of thinkers under the names of Tories, Jacobites, Papists, libellers, rebels, and the like.

This was the utter ruin of that poor, angry, bustling, well-meaning mortal Pistorides, who lies equally under the contempt of both parties, with no other difference than a mixture of pity on one side, and of aversion on the other.

How hath he been pelted, pestered, and pounded by one single wag, who promiseth never to forsake him living or dead![151]

I was much pleased with the humour of a surgeon in this town, who having in his own apprehension, received some great injustice from the Earl of Galway,[152] and despairing of revenge, as well as relief, declared to all his friends that he had set apart a hundred guineas to purchase the Earl's carcase from the sexton, whenever it should die; to make a skeleton of the bones, stuff the hide, and shew them for threepence; and thus get vengeance for the injuries he had suffered by the owner.

Of the like spirit too often is that implacable race of wits, against whom there is no defence but innocence, and philosophy: Neither of which is likely to be at hand; and therefore the wounded have nowhere to fly for a cure, but to downright stupidity, a crazed head, or a profligate contempt of guilt and shame.

I am therefore sorry for that other miserable creature Traulus,[153] who although of somewhat a different species, yet seems very far to outdo even the genius of Pistorides, in that miscarrying talent of railing without consistency or discretion, against the most innocent persons, according to the present situation of his gall and spleen. I do not blame an _honest_ gentleman for the bitterest invectives against one to whom he professeth the greatest friendship; provided he acts in the dark, so as not to be discovered. But in the midst of caresses, visits, and invitations, to run into the streets, or to as public a place, and without the least pretended excitement, sputter out the basest and falsest accusations; then to wipe his mouth, come up smiling to his friend, shake him by the hand, and tell him in a whisper, it was "all for his service;" this proceeding, I am bold to think a great failure in prudence; and I am afraid lest such a practitioner, with a body so open, so foul, and so full of sores, may fall under the resentment of an incensed political surgeon, who is not in much renown for his mercy upon great provocation: who without waiting for his death, will flay, and dissect him alive, and to the view of mankind lay open all the disordered cells of his brain, the venom of his tongue, the corruption of his heart, and spots and flatuses of his spleen--And all this for threepence.[154]

In such a case what a scene would be laid open! and to drop my metaphor what a character of our mistaking friend might an angry enemy draw and expose! particularizing that unnatural conjunction of vices and follies, so inconsistent with each other in the same breast: Furious and fawning, scurrilous and flattering, cowardly and provoking, insolent and abject; most profligately false, with the strongest professions of sincerity, positive and variable, tyrannical and slavish.

I apprehend that if all this should be set out to the world by an angry Whig of the old stamp, the unavoidable consequence must be a confinement of our friend for some months more to his garret, and thereby depriving the public for so long a time, and in so important a juncture, of his useful talents in their service, while he is fed like a wild beast through a hole; but I hope with a special regard to the quantity and quality of his nourishment.

In vain would his excusers endeavour to palliate his enormities, by imputing them to madness:[155] Because, it is well known, that madness only operates by inflaming and enlarging the good or evil dispositions of the mind: For the curators of Bedlam assure us, that some lunatics are persons of honour, truth, benevolence, and many other virtues, which appear in their highest ravings, although after a wild incoherent manner; while others on the contrary, discover in every word and action the utmost baseness and depravity of human minds; which infallibly they possessed in the same degree, although perhaps under a better regulation, before their entrance into that academy.

But it may be objected, that there is an argument of much force to excuse the overflowings of that zeal, which our friend shews or means for our cause. And it must be confessed, that the easy and smooth fluency of his elocution bestowed on him by nature, and cultivated by continual practice, added to the comeliness of his person, the harmony of his voice, the gracefulness of his manner, and the decency of his dress, are temptations too strong for such a genius to resist upon any public occasion of making them appear with universal applause: And if good men are sometimes accused of loving their jest better than their friend, surely to gain the reputation of the first orator in the kingdom, no man of spirit would scruple to lose all the friends he had in the world.

It is usual for masters to make their boys declaim on both sides of an argument; and as some kinds of assemblies are called the schools of politics, I confess nothing can better improve political school-boys, than the art of making plausible or implausible harangues, against the very opinion for which they resolve to determine.

So Cardinal Perron after having spoke for an hour to the admiration of all his hearers, to prove the existence of God; told some of his intimates that he could have spoken another hour, and much better, to prove the contrary.

I have placed this reasoning in the strongest light, that I think it will bear; and have nothing to answer, but that allowing it as much weight as the reader shall please, it hath constantly met with ill success in the mouth of our friend, whether for want of good luck, or good management I suspend my judgment.

To return from this long digression. If persons in high stations have been allowed to choose mistresses, without regard even to difference in religion, yet never incurred the least reflection on their loyalty or their Protestantism; shall the chief governor of a great kingdom be censured for choosing a companion, who may formerly have been suspected for differing from the orthodox in some speculative opinions of persons and things, which cannot affect the fundamental principles of a sound Whig?

But let me suppose a very possible case. Here is a person sent to govern Ireland, whose unfortunate weak side it happens to be, for several reasons above-mentioned, that he hath encouraged the attendance of one or two gentlemen distinguished for their taste, their wit, and their learning; who have taken the oaths to his Majesty, and pray heartily for him: Yet because they may perhaps be stigmatized as _quondam_ Tories by Pistorides and his gang; his Excellency must be forced to banish them under the pain and peril of displeasing the zealots of his own party; and thereby be put into a worse condition than every common good-fellow; who may be a sincere Protestant, and a loyal subject, and yet rather choose to drink fine ale at the Pope's head, than muddy at the King's.

Let me then return to my supposition. It is certain, the high-flown loyalists in the present sense of the word, have their thoughts, and studies, and tongues so entirely diverted by political schemes, that the zeal of their principles hath eaten up their understandings; neither have they time from their employments, their hopes, and their hourly labours for acquiring new additions of merit, to amuse themselves with philological converse, or speculations which are utterly ruinous to all schemes of rising in the world: What must then a great man do whose ill stars have fatally perverted him to a love, and taste, and possession of literature, politeness, and good sense? Our thorough-sped republic of Whigs, which contains the bulk of all hopers, pretenders, expecters and professors, are, beyond all doubt, most highly useful to princes, to governors, to great ministers, and to their country, but at the same time, and by necessary consequence, the most disagreeable companions to all who have that unfortunate turn of mind peculiar to his Excellency, and perhaps to five or six more in a nation.

I do not deny it possible, that an original or proselyte favourer of the times, might have been born to those useless talents which in former ages qualified a man to be a poet, or a philosopher. All I contend for is, that where the true genius of party once enters, it sweeps the house clean, and leaves room for many other spirits to take joint possession, till the last state of that man is exceedingly better than the first.

I allow it a great error in his Excellency that he adheres so obstinately to his old unfashionable academic education: Yet so perverse is human nature, that the usual remedies for this evil in others, have produced a contrary effect in him; to a degree, that I am credibly informed, he will, as I have already hinted, in the middle of a session quote passages out of Plato, and Pindar at his own table to some book-learned companion, without blushing, even when persons of great stations are by.

I will venture one step further; which is, freely to confess, that this mistaken method of educating youth in the knowledge of ancient learning and language, is too apt to spoil their politics and principles; because the doctrine and examples of the books they read, teach them lessons directly contrary in every point to the present practice of the world: And accordingly, Hobbes most judiciously observes, that the writings of the Greeks and Romans made young men imbibe opinions against absolute power in a prince, or even in a first minister, and to embrace notions of liberty and property.

It hath been therefore a great felicity to these kingdoms, that the heirs to titles and large estates, have a weakness in their eyes, a tenderness in their constitutions, are not able to bear the pain and indignity of whipping; and as the mother rightly expresses it, could never take to their book; yet are well enough qualified to sign a receipt for half a year's rent, to put their names (_rightly spelt_) to a warrant, and to read pamphlets against religion and high-flying; whereby they fill their niches, and carry themselves through the world with that dignity which best becomes a senator, and a squire.[156]

I could heartily wish his Excellency would be more condescending to the genius of the kingdom he governs, to the condition of the times, and to the nature of the station he fills. Yet if it be true, what I have read in old English story-books, that one Agesilaus (no matter to the bulk of my readers, whether I spell the names right or wrong) was caught by the parson of the parish, riding on a hobby-horse with his children; that Socrates a heathen philosopher, was found dancing by himself at fourscore; that a king called Cæsar Augustus (or some such name) used to play with boys; whereof some might possibly be sons of Tories; and, that two great men called Scipio and Lælius, (I forget their Christian names, and whether they were poets or generals,) often played at duck and drake with smooth stones on a river. Now I say, if these facts be true (and the book where I found them is in print) I cannot imagine why our most zealous patriots may not a little indulge his Excellency, in an infirmity which is not morally evil, provided he gives no public scandal (which is by all means to be avoided) I say, why he may not be indulged twice a week to converse with one or two particular persons, and let him and them con over their old exploded readings together, after mornings spent in hearing and prescribing ways and means from and to his most obedient politicians, for the welfare of the kingdom; although the said particular person or persons may not have made so public a declaration of their political faith in all its parts, as the business of the nation requires. Still submitting my opinion to that happy majority, which I am confident is always in the right; by whom the liberty of the subject hath been so frequently, so strenuously, and so successfully asserted; who by their wise counsels have made commerce to flourish, money to abound, inhabitants to increase, the value of lands and rents to rise; and the whole island put on a new face of plenty and prosperity.

But in order to clear his Excellency, more fully from this accusation of shewing his favours to high-flyers, Tories, and Jacobites; it will be necessary to come to particulars.

The first person of a Tory denomination to whom his Excellency gave any marks of his favour, was Doctor Thomas Sheridan.[157] It is to be observed, that this happened so early in his Excellency's government, as it may be justly supposed he had not been informed of that gentleman's character upon so dangerous an article. The Doctor being well known and distinguished, for his skill and success in the education of youth, beyond most of his profession for many years past, was recommended to his Excellency on the score of his learning, and particularly for his knowledge in the Greek tongue, whereof it seems his Excellency is a great admirer, although for what reasons I could never imagine. However it is agreed on all hands, that his lordship was too easily prevailed on by the Doctor's request, or indeed rather from the bias of his own nature, to hear a tragedy acted in that unknown language by the Doctor's lads,[158] which was written by some heathen author, but whether it contained any Tory or High-Church principles, must be left to the consciences of the boys, the Doctor, and his Excellency: The only witnesses in this case, whose testimonies can be depended upon.

It seems, his Excellency (a thing never to be sufficiently wondered at) was so pleased with his entertainment, that some time after he gave the Doctor a church living to the value of almost one hundred pounds a year, and made him one of his chaplains, from an antiquated notion, that good schoolmasters ought to be encouraged in every nation, professing civility and religion. Yet his Excellency did not venture to make this bold step without strong recommendations from persons of undoubted principles, fitted to the times; who thought themselves bound in justice, honour, and gratitude, to do the Doctor a good office in return for the care he had taken of their children, or those of their friends.[159] Yet the catastrophe was terrible: For, the Doctor in the height of his felicity and gratitude, going down to take possession of his parish, and furnished with a few led-sermons, whereof as it is to be supposed the number was very small, having never served a cure in the Church; he stopped at Cork to attend on his bishop; and going to church on the Sunday following, was according to the usual civility of country clergymen, invited by the minister of the parish to supply the pulpit. It happened to be the first of August[160]; and the first of August happened that year to light upon a Sunday: And it happened that the Doctor's text was in these words; "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof;" and lastly it happened, that some one person of the congregation, whose loyalty made him watchful upon every appearance of danger to his Majesty's person and Government, when service was over, gave the alarm. Notice was immediately sent up to town, and by the zeal of one man[161] of no large dimensions of body or mind, such a clamour was raised, that we in Dublin could apprehend no less than an invasion by the Pretender, who must be landed in the South. The result was, that the Doctor must be struck out of the chaplains' list, and appear no more at the Castle; yet, whether he were then, or be at this day, a Whig or a Tory, I think is a secret; only it is manifest, that he is a zealous Hanoverian, at least in poetry,[162] and a great adorer of the present Royal Family through all its branches. His friends likewise assert, that he had preached this same sermon often, under the same text; that not having observed the words till he was in the pulpit, and had opened his notes; as he is a person a little abstracted, he wanted presence of mind to change them: And that in the whole sermon there was not a syllable relating to Government or party, or to the subject of the day.

In this incident there seems to have been an union of events, that will probably never happen again to the end of the world, or at least like the grand conjunction in the heavens, which I think they say can arrive but once in twenty thousand years.

The second gentleman (if I am right in my chronology) who under the suspicion of a Tory, received some favour from his Excellency, is Mr. James Stopford[163]; very strongly recommended by the most eminent Whig in England, on the account of his learning, and virtue, and other accomplishments. He had passed the greatest part of his youth in close study, or in travelling; and was neither not at home, or not at leisure to trouble his thoughts about party; which I allow to be a great omission; though I cannot honestly place him in the list of Tories, and therefore think his Excellency may be fairly acquitted for making him Vicar of Finglass, worth about one hundred and fifty pounds a year.

The third is Doctor Patrick Delany.[164] This divine lies under some disadvantage; having in his youth received many civilities from a certain person then in a very high station here,[165] for which reason I doubt the Doctor never drank his confusion since: And what makes the matter desperate, it is now too late; unless our inquisitors will be content with drinking confusion to his memory. The aforesaid eminent person who was a judge of all merit but party, distinguished the Doctor among other juniors in our University, for his learning, virtue, discretion, and good sense. But the Doctor was then in too good a situation at his college, to hope or endeavour at a better establishment, from one who had no power to give it him.

Upon the present Lord-Lieutenant's coming over, the Doctor was named to his Excellency by a friend,[166] among other clergy of distinction, as persons whose characters it was proper his Excellency should know: And by the truth of which the giver would be content to stand or fall in his Excellency's opinion; since not one of those persons were in particular friendship with the gentleman who gave in their names. By this and some other incidents, particularly the recommendation of the late Archbishop of Dublin,[167] the Doctor became known to his Excellency; whose fatal turn of mind toward heathenish and outlandish books and languages, finding, as I conceive a like disposition in the Doctor, was the cause of his becoming so domestic, as we are told he is, at the Castle of Dublin.

Three or four years ago, the Doctor grown weary of an academic life, for some reasons best known to the managers of the discipline in that learned society (which it may not be for their honour to mention[168]) resolved to leave it, although by the benefit of the pupils, and his senior-fellowship with all its perquisites, he received every year between nine hundred and a thousand pounds.

And a small northern living, in the University's donation, of somewhat better than hundred pounds a year, falling at the same time with the Chancellorship of Christ-Church, to about equal the value, in the gift of his Excellency, the Doctor ventured into the world in a very scanty condition, having squandered away all his annual income in a manner, which although perhaps proper enough for a clergyman without a family, will not be for the advantage of his character to discover either on the exchange, or at a banker's shop.

About two months ago, his Excellency gave the Doctor a prebend in St. Patrick's Cathedral; which being of near the same value with either of the two former, will add a third part to his revenues, after he shall have paid the great incumbrances upon it; so that he may now be said to possess of Church preferments in scattered tithes, three hundred pounds a year, instead of the like sum of infallible rents from a senior fellowship with the offices annexed; beside the advantage of a free lodging, and some other easements.

But since the Doctor hath not in any of his writings, his sermons, his actions, his discourse, or his company, discovered one single principle of either Whig or Tory; and that the Lord Lieutenant still continues to admit him; I shall boldly pronounce him _ONE OF US_: but like a new free-mason, who hath not yet learned all the dialect of the mystery. Neither can he justly be accused of any Tory doctrines, except perhaps some among those few, with which that wicked party was charged, during the height of their power; but have been since transferred for the most solid reasons, to the whole body of our firmest friends.

I have now done with the clergy; And upon the strictest examination have not been able to find above one of that order, against whom any party suspicion can lie, which is the unfortunate gentleman, Doctor Sheridan, who by mere chance-medley shot his own fortune dead with a single text.

As to the laity I can hear of but one person of the Tory stamp, who since the beginning of his Excellency's government, did ever receive any solid mark of his favour; I mean Sir Arthur Acheson,[169] reported to be an acknowledged Tory, and what is almost as bad, a scholar into the bargain. It is whispered about as a certain truth, that this gentleman is to have a grant of a certain barrack upon his estate, within two miles of his own house; for which the Crown is to be his tenant, at the rent of sixty pounds _per annum_; he being only at the expense of about five hundred pounds, to put the house in repair, build stables, and other necessaries. I will place this invidious mark of beneficence, conferred on a Tory, in a fair light, by computing the costs and necessary defalcations; after which it may be seen how much Sir Arthur will be annually a clear gainer by the public, notwithstanding his unfortunate principles, and his knowledge in Greek and Latin.

For repairs, &c. _500l._ the interest whereof _per ann._ 30 0 0
For all manner of poultry to furnish the troopers,
but which the said troopers must be at the
labour of catching, valued _per ann._ 5 0 0
For straggling sheep, 8 0 0
For game destroyed five miles round, 6 0 0
--------
49 0 0

Rent paid to Sir Arthur, 60 0 0
Deduct 49 0 0
------
Remains clear, 11 0 0
------

Thus, if Sir Arthur Acheson shall have the good fortune to obtain a grant of this barrack, he will receive net profit annually from the Crown ELEVEN pounds sterling to help him in entertaining the officers, and making provisions for his younger children.

It is true, there is another advantage to be expected, which may fully compensate the loss of cattle and poultry; by multiplying the breed of mankind, and particularly of good Protestants, in a part of the Kingdom half depopulated by the wild humour among the farmers there, of leaving their country. But I am not so skilful in arithmetic, as to compute the value.

I have reckoned one _per cent._ below the legal interest for the money that Sir Arthur must expend, and valued the damage in the other articles very moderately. However, I am confident he may with good management be a saver at least; which is a prodigious instance of moderation in our friends toward a professed Tory, whatever merit he may pretend by the unwillingness he hath shewn to make his Excellency uneasy in his administration.

Thus I have with the utmost impartiality collected every single favour, (further than personal civilities) conferred by his Excellency on Tories, and reputed Tories, since his first arrival hither to this present 13th day of April, in the year of our Lord 1730, giving all allowance possible to the arguments on the other side of the question.

* * * * *

And the account will stand thus.

Disposed of preferments and employments to Tories, or reputed Tories, by his Excellency the Lord Lieutenant in about the space of six years.

To Doctor Thomas Sheridan in a rectory near
Kinsale, _per ann._ 100 0 0
To Sir Arthur Acheson, Baronet, a barrack,
_per ann._ 11 0 0
-----------
111 0 0
-----------

Give me leave now to compute in gross the value of the favours done by his Excellency to the true friends of their King and Country, and of the Protestant religion.

It is to be remembered, that although his Excellency cannot be properly said to bestow bishoprics, commands in the army, the place of a judge, or commissioner in the revenue, and some others; yet they are, for the most part, disposed upon his recommendation, except where the persons are immediately sent from England by their interest at Court, for which I have allowed large defalcations in the following accounts. And it is remarkable that the only considerable station conferred on a reputed Tory since his present Excellency's government was of this latter kind.

And indeed it is but too remarkable, that in a neighbouring nation, (where that dangerous denomination of men is incomparably more numerous, more powerful, and of consequence more formidable) real Tories can often with much less difficulty obtain very high favours from the Government, than their reputed brethren can arrive to the lowest in ours. I observe this with all possible submission to the wisdom of their policy, which, however, will not I believe, dispute the praise of vigilance with ours.

WHIG Account.

To persons promoted to bishoprics, or removed
to more beneficial ones, computed
_per ann._ 10050 0 0
To civil employments, 9030 0 0
To military commands, 8436 0 0
-----------
27516 0 0

TORY Account.

To Tories 111 0 0
-----------
Balance 27405 0 0
-----------

I shall conclude with this observation. That, as I think, the Tories have sufficient reason to be fully satisfied with the share of trust, and power, and employments which they possess under the lenity of the present Government; so, I do not find how his Excellency can be justly censured for favouring none but High-Church, high-fliers, termagants, Laudists, Sacheverellians, tip-top-gallant-men, Jacobites, tantivies, anti-Hanoverians, friends to Popery and the Pretender, and to arbitrary power, disobligers of England, breakers of DEPENDENCY, inflamers of quarrels between the two nations, public incendiaries, enemies to the King and Kingdoms, haters of TRUE Protestants, laurelmen, Annists, complainers of the Nation's poverty, Ormondians, iconoclasts, anti-Glorious-memorists, white-rosalists, tenth-a-Junians, and the like: when by a fair state of the account, the balance, I conceive, plainly lies on the other side.[170]

A PROPOSAL

FOR

AN ACT OF PARLIAMENT, TO PAY OFF THE DEBT OF THE NATION,

WITHOUT TAXING THE SUBJECT.

BY WHICH THE NUMBER OF LANDED GENTRY AND SUBSTANTIAL FARMERS WILL BE CONSIDERABLY INCREASED, AND NO ONE PERSON WILL BE THE POORER, OR CONTRIBUTE ONE FARTHING TO THE CHARGE.

NOTE.

In volume three of the present edition two tracts are given
relating to attempts made by the bishops of Ireland for enlarging
their powers. These tracts are entitled: "On the Bill for the
Clergy's residing on their Livings," and "Considerations upon two
Bills, sent down from the House of Lords and the House of Commons
in Ireland relating to the Clergy of Ireland" (pp. 249-272). The
bills which Swift argued against were evidently intended to give
the bishops further powers and increased opportunities for making
money. (The matter is gone into at length in the notes prefixed to
the above reprints.) The bishops sought rights which would enable
them to obtain large powers in letting leases, and their eagerness
to get such powers, coupled with the efforts they expended, showed
that they had less regard for the Church's interest than for their
own.

In the present tract Swift, with his usual assumption of grave
consideration of an important question, but in reality with cutting
irony, proposes to dispose of all the Church lands for a lump sum,
give the bishops their full just share, including the amount of
fines for possible renewals of leases, and, at the same time, pay
off the national debt with the money that remains. With an air of
strict seriousness he solemnly computes the exact sums obtainable,
and impartially divides the amounts with accurate care. Then, with
a dig at the strangers England was continually sending to Irish
preferments, among whom he counts himself, he concludes by saying
that although the interests of such cannot be expected to be those
of the country to which they have been translated, yet he, as one
of them, is quite willing, and indeed feels himself in duty bound
"to consult the interest of people among whom I have been so well
received. And if I can be any way instrumental toward contributing
to reduce this excellent proposal into a law ... my sincere
endeavours to serve this Church and kingdom will be rewarded."

* * * * *

The text of this pamphlet is based on that given at the end of the
volume containing the first edition of "Considerations upon two
Bills," etc., published in 1732.

[T. S.]

A PROPOSAL FOR AN ACT OF PARLIAMENT, TO PAY OFF THE DEBT OF THE NATION, WITHOUT TAXING THE SUBJECT.

The debts contracted some years past for the service and safety of the nation, are grown so great, that under our present distressed condition by the want of trade, the great remittances to pay absentees, regiments serving abroad, and many other drains of money, well enough known and felt; the kingdom seems altogether unable to discharge them by the common methods of payment: And either a poll or land tax would be too odious to think of, especially the latter, because the lands, which have been let for these ten or dozen years past, were raised so high, that the owners can, at present, hardly receive any rent at all. For, it is the usual practice of an Irish tenant, rather than want land, to offer more for a farm than he knows he can be ever able to pay, and in that case he grows desperate, and pays nothing at all. So that a land-tax upon a racked estate would be a burthen wholly insupportable.

The question will then be, how these national debts can be paid, and how I can make good the several particulars of my proposal, which I shall now lay open to the public.

The revenues of their Graces and Lordships the Archbishops and Bishops of this kingdom (excluding the fines) do amount by a moderate computation to _36,800l._ _per ann._ I mean the rents which the bishops receive from their tenants. But the real value of those lands at a full rent, taking the several sees one with another, is reckoned to be at least three-fourths more, so that multiplying _36,800l._ by four, the full rent of all the bishops' lands will amount to _147,200l._ _per ann._ from which subtracting the present rent received by their lordships, that is _36,800l._ the profits of the lands received by the first and second tenants (who both have great bargains) will rise to the sum of _110,400l._ _per ann._ which lands, if they were to be sold at twenty-two years' purchase, would raise a sum of _2,428,800l._ reserving to the Bishops their present rents, only excluding fines.[171]

Of this sum I propose, that out of the one-half which amounts to _1,214,400l._ so much be applied as will entirely discharge the debts of the nation, and the remainder laid up in the treasury, to supply contingencies, as well as to discharge some of our heavy taxes, until the kingdom shall be in a better condition.

But whereas the present set of bishops would be great losers by this scheme for want of their fines, which would be hard treatment to such religious, loyal and deserving personages, I have therefore set apart the other half to supply that defect, which it will more than sufficiently do.

A bishop's lease for the full term, is reckoned to be worth eleven years' purchase, but if we take the bishops round, I suppose, there may be four years of each lease elapsed, and many of the bishops being well stricken in years, I cannot think their lives round to be worth more than seven years' purchase; so that the purchasers may very well afford fifteen years' purchase for the reversion, especially by one great additional advantage, which I shall soon mention.

This sum of _2,428,800l._ must likewise be sunk very considerably, because the lands are to be sold only at fifteen years' purchase, and this lessens the sum to about _1,656,000l._ of which I propose twelve hundred thousand pounds to be applied partly for the payment of the national debt, and partly as a fund for future exigencies, and the remaining _456,000l._ I propose as a fund for paying the present set of bishops their fines, which it will abundantly do, and a great part remain as an addition to the public stock.

Although the bishops round do not in reality receive three fines a-piece, which take up 21 years, yet I allow it to be so; but then I will suppose them to take but one year's rent, in recompense of giving them so large a term of life, and thus multiplying _36,800l._ by 3 the product will be only _110,400l._ so that above three-fourths will remain to be applied to public use.

If I have made wrong computations, I hope to be excused, as a stranger to the kingdom, which I never saw till I was called to an employment, and yet where I intend to pass the rest of my days; but I took care to get the best information I could, and from the most proper persons; however, the mistakes I may have been guilty of, will very little affect the main of my proposal, although they should cause a difference of one hundred thousand pounds more or less.

These fines, are only to be paid to the bishop during his incumbency in the same see; if he changeth it for a better, the purchasers of the vacant see lands, are to come immediately into possession of the see he hath left, and both the bishop who is removed, and he who comes into his place, are to have no more fines, for the removed bishop will find his account by a larger revenue; and the other see will find candidates enough. For the law maxim will here have place, that _caveat_, &c. I mean the persons who succeed may choose whether they will accept or no.

As to the purchasers, they will probably be tenants to the see, who are already in possession, and can afford to give more than any other bidders.

I will further explain myself. If a person already a bishop, be removed into a richer see, he must be content with the bare revenues, without any fines, and so must he who comes into a bishopric vacant by death: And this will bring the matter sooner to bear; which if the Crown shall think fit to countenance, will soon change the present set of bishops, and consequently encourage purchasers of their lands. For example, If a Primate should die, and the gradation be wisely made, almost the whole set of bishops might be changed in a month, each to his great advantage, although no fines were to be got, and thereby save a great part of that sum which I have appropriated towards supplying the deficiency of fines.

I have valued the bishops' lands two years' purchase above the usual computed rate, because those lands will have a sanction from the King and Council in England, and be confirmed by an Act of Parliament here; besides, it is well known, that higher prices are given every day, for worse lands, at the remotest distances, and at rack rents, which I take to be occasioned by want of trade, when there are few borrowers, and the little money in private hands lying dead, there is no other way to dispose of it but in buying of land, which consequently makes the owners hold it so high.

Besides paying the nation's debts, the sale of these lands would have many other good effects upon the nation; it will considerably increase the number of gentry, where the bishops' tenants are not able or willing to purchase; for the lands will afford an hundred gentlemen a good revenue to each; several persons from England will probably be glad to come over hither, and be the buyers, rather than give thirty years' purchase at home, under the loads of taxes for the public and the poor, as well as repairs, by which means much money may be brought among us, and probably some of the purchasers themselves may be content to live cheap in a worse country, rather than be at the charge of exchange and agencies, and perhaps of non-solvencies in absence, if they let their lands too high.

This proposal will also multiply farmers, when the purchasers will have lands in their own power, to give long and easy leases to industrious husbandmen.

I have allowed some bishoprics of equal income to be of more or less value to the purchaser, according as they are circumstanced. For instance, The lands of the primacy and some other sees, are let so low, that they hardly pay a fifth penny of the real value to the bishop, and there the fines are the greater. On the contrary, the sees of Meath and Clonfert, consisting, as I am told, much of tithes, those tithes are annually let to the tenants without any fines. So the see of Dublin is said to have many fee-farms which pay no fines, and some leases for lives which pay very little, and not so soon nor so duly.

I cannot but be confident, that their Graces my Lords the Archbishops, and my Lords the Bishops will heartily join in this proposal, out of gratitude to his late and present Majesty, the best of Kings, who have bestowed such high and opulent stations, as well as in pity to this country which is now become their own; whereby they will be instrumental towards paying the nation's debts, without impoverishing themselves, enrich an hundred gentlemen, as well as free them from dependence, and thus remove that envy which is apt to fall upon their Graces and Lordships from considerable persons, whose birth and fortunes rather qualify them to be lords of manors, than servile dependants upon Churchmen however dignified or distinguished.

If I do not flatter myself, there could not be any law more popular than this; for the immediate tenants to bishops, being some of them persons of quality, and good estates, and more of them grown up to be gentlemen by the profits of these very leases, under a succession of bishops, think it a disgrace to be subject both to rents and fines, at the pleasure of their landlords. Then the bulk of the tenants, especially the dissenters, who are our loyal Protestant brethren, look upon it both as an unnatural and iniquitous thing that bishops should be owners of land at all; (wherein I beg to differ from them) being a point so contrary to the practice of the Apostles, whose successors they are deemed to be, and who although they were contented that land should be sold, for the common use of the brethren, yet would not buy it themselves, but had it laid at their feet, to be distributed to poor proselytes.

I will add one word more, that by such a wholesome law, all the oppressions felt by under-tenants of Church leases, which are now laid on by the bishops would entirely be prevented, by their Graces and Lordships consenting to have their lands sold for payment of the nation's debts, reserving only the present rent for their own plentiful and honourable support.

I beg leave to add one particular, that, when heads of a Bill (as I find the style runs in this kingdom) shall be brought in for forming this proposal into a law; I should humbly offer that there might be a power given to every bishop (except those who reside in Dublin) for applying one hundred acres of profitable land that lies nearest to his palace, as a demesne for the conveniency of his family.

I know very well, that this scheme hath been much talked of for some time past, and is in the thoughts of many patriots, neither was it properly mine, although I fell readily into it, when it was first communicated to me.

Though I am almost a perfect stranger in this kingdom, yet since I have accepted an employment here, of some consequence as well as profit, I cannot but think myself in duty bound to consult the interest of a people, among whom I have been so well received. And if I can be any way instrumental towards contributing to reduce this excellent proposal into a law which being not in the least injurious to England, will, I am confident, meet with no opposition from that side, my sincere endeavours to serve this Church and kingdom will be well rewarded.

A CASE SUBMITTED BY DEAN SWIFT TO MR. LINDSAY, COUNSELLOR AT LAW.[172]

A. B. agent for J. S. comes to desire J. S. to sign an assignment of a lease in order to be registered for the security of _38l._ J. S. asks A. B. to show him the lease A. B. says he left it at home. J. S. asks the said A. B. how many years of the lease are unexpired? what rent the tenant pays, and how much below the rack value? and what number of acres there are upon the farm? To each of which questions the agent A. B. answers categorically, that he cannot tell, and that he did not think J. would ask him such questions. The said A. B. was asked how he came two years after the lease was assigned, and not sooner, to have it registered. A. B. answers, that he could not sue till the assignment.

Query, Whether the said agent A. B. made any one answer like a man of business?

AN

EXAMINATION

OF

CERTAIN ABUSES, CORRUPTIONS, AND ENORMITIES

IN THE CITY OF DUBLIN.

NOTE.

Like many of Swift's satirical writings the title of this tract is
no indication to its subject-matter. Whatever "abuses, corruptions
and enormities" may have been rife in the city of Dublin in Swift's
time, the pamphlet which follows certainly throws no light on them.
It is in no sense a social document. But it is a very amusing and
excellent piece of jeering at the fancied apprehensions that were
rife about the Pretender, the "disaffected" people, and the
Jacobites. It is aimed at the Whigs, who were continually using the
party cries of "No Popery," "Jacobitism," and the other cognate
expressions to distress their political opponents. At the same
time, these cries had their effects, and created a great deal of
mischief. The Roman Catholics, in particular, were cruelly treated
because of the anxiety for the Protestant succession, and among the
lower tradesmen, for whom such cries would be of serious meaning, a
petty persecution against their Roman Catholic fellow-tradesmen
continually prevailed. Monck Mason draws attention to some curious
instances. (See his "History of St. Patrick's Cathedral," p. 399,
note y.)

In the "Journals of the Irish House of Commons" (vol. ii., p. 77)
is the record of a petition presented in the year 1695, by the
Protestant porters of the city of Dublin, against one Darby Ryan,
"a papist and notoriously disaffected." This Ryan was complained of
for employing those of his own persuasion and affection to carry a
cargo of coals he had bought, to his own customers. The petitioners
complained that they, Protestants, were "debased and hindered from
their small trade and gains." Another set of petitioners was the
drivers of hackney coaches. They complained that, "before the late
trouble, they got a livelihood by driving coaches in and about the
city of Dublin, but since that time, so many papists had got
coaches, and drove them with such ordinary horses, that the
petitioners could hardly get bread.... They therefore prayed the
house that none but Protestant hackney-coachmen may have liberty to
keep and drive hackney-coaches." Swift may have had these instances
in his mind when he urges that the criers who cry their wares in
Dublin should be True Protestants, and should give security to the
government for permission to cry.

In a country where such absurd complaints could be seriously
presented, and as seriously considered, a genuine apprehension must
have existed. The Whigs in making capital out of this existing
feeling stigmatized their Tory opponents as High Churchmen, and
therefore very little removed from Papists, and therefore
Jacobites. Of course there were no real grounds for such epithets,
but they indulged in them nevertheless, with the addition of
insinuations and suggestions--no insinuation being too feeble or
too far-fetched so long as it served.

Swift, writing in the person of a Whig, affects extreme anxiety for
the most ridiculous of signs, and finds a Papist, or a Jacobite,
or a disaffected person, in the least likely of places. The tract,
in this light, is a really amusing piece. Swift takes the
opportunity also to hit Walpole, under a pretended censure of his
extravagance, corruption, and avarice.

* * * * *

The text here given of this tract is based on that of the original
edition issued in Dublin in 1732. The last paragraph, however, does
not appear in that edition, and is reprinted here from Scott.

[T. S.]

AN

EXAMINATION

OF CERTAIN

_Abuses, Corruptions,_

AND

_ENORMITIES_

IN THE

City of _DUBLIN_.

_Dublin_: Printed in the Year 1732.

Nothing is held more commendable in all great cities, especially the metropolis of a kingdom, than what the French call the police; by which word is meant the government thereof, to prevent the many disorders occasioned by great numbers of people and carriages, especially through narrow streets. In this government our famous City of Dublin is said to be very defective, and universally complained of. Many wholesome laws have been enacted to correct those abuses, but are ill executed; and many more are wanting, which I hope the united wisdom of the nation (whereof so many good effects have already appeared this session) will soon take into their most profound consideration.

As I have been always watchful over the good of mine own country, and particularly for that of our renowned city, where (_absit invidia_) I had the honour to draw my first breath[173]; I cannot have a minute's ease or patience to forbear enumerating some of the greatest enormities, abuses, and corruptions, spread almost through every part of Dublin; and proposing such remedies as, I hope, the legislature will approve of.

The narrow compass to which I have confined myself in this paper, will allow me only to touch at the most important defects, and such as I think seem to require the most speedy redress.

And first, perhaps there was never known a wiser institution than that of allowing certain persons of both sexes, in large and populous cities, to cry through the streets many necessaries of life; it would be endless to recount the conveniences which our city enjoys by this useful invention, and particularly strangers, forced hither by business, who reside here but a short time; for, these having usually but little money, and being wholly ignorant of the town, might at an easy price purchase a tolerable dinner, if the several criers would pronounce the names of the goods they have to sell, in any tolerable language. And therefore till our law-makers shall think it proper to interpose so far as to make these traders pronounce their words in such terms, that a plain Christian hearer may comprehend what is cried, I would advise all new comers to look out at their garret windows, and there see whether the thing that is cried be tripes or flummery, butter-milk or cow-heels. For, as things are now managed, how is it possible for an honest countryman, just arrived, to find out what is meant, for instance, by the following words, with which his ears are constantly stunned twice a day, "Mugs, jugs and porringers, up in the garret, and down in the cellar." I say, how is it possible for any stranger to understand that this jargon is meant as an invitation to buy a farthing's worth of milk for his breakfast or supper, unless his curiosity draws him to the window, or till his landlady shall inform him. I produce this only as one instance, among a hundred much worse, I mean where the words make a sound wholly inarticulate, which give so much disturbance, and so little information.